The Island Of Misfit Toys
by The Last Letter
Summary: Two boys, leading two very different lives. A chance meeting at a Youth Centre brings the two together; for the first time, Jude lets his guard down and even lets himself develop a crush but, selfishly, Connor keeps his secrets close until it's too late, leaving Jude to chose between his best friend and the life he's always known, for good or bad.
1. Five Of Hearts

**For Enza, who inspires me even when I don't want her to!**

Connor Stevens knocked lightly on Ms. Adams' office door.

"Come in!" she called, and Connor pushed the door open. He stepped into the familiar office, and after shutting the door for privacy, took his usual spot across from Ms. Adams' desk.

Ms. Adams was the vice principal of Anchor Beach but she also acted as a guidance counsellor for a lot of people, Connor included. He saw her twice a week, for a lot of different reasons. He had been coming to talk to her for almost two years now; originally, he had started because his father had called Ms. Adams and requested it. Now, he just liked talking to her. She was very sweet and she made Connor feel at home. He had started seeing her right after his own mother had passed away, so he had a very deep appreciation for Ms. Adams.

"Good afternoon." Ms. Adams greeted him with a smile.

"Good afternoon," Connor echoed. "How are you?"

"Great. How was your day?"

"Fine," Connor answered, and he fidgeted in his seat. "I … We have to do volunteer hours for drama class. The teacher handed out assignments first period … But I didn't get one."

Ms. Adams waved a dark hand, dashing away his concerns. "Not to worry. I just wanted to talk to you about where you're going to be doing your volunteer hours instead of just throwing a place at you."

"Is it because of –" Connor started, but then he stopped himself. He didn't like to say it; but the nice thing about Ms. Adams was that he never had to, because she knew exactly what he was talking about.

"Partially," she admitted, and even though Connor had been expecting it, he still resented it. "I have two options for you, although if they don't work I'm sure there are other places. The first is the animal shelter."

"Not good," Connor said quickly. "I'm not supposed to be around animals right now. I had to fight Dad to let me keep Jelly."

Ms. Adams nodded and made a note of something in the folder open to her left. That was the only thing that Connor hated about his meetings with Ms. Adams – her notes. She was his counsellor and he was her student. He knew how it worked. But not a lot of people at Anchor Beach wanted to be friends with him, so Ms. Adams was really the only person he could talk to. He resented the notes because they were a reminder that this wasn't a friendship; that he didn't have a real friendship with anyone.

"We have an open slot for a tutoring job," Ms. Adams said. "Not the one at school but the one at the Youth Centre."

"Are you sure I'm smart enough to tutor kids?" Connor asked, highly doubting that he was smart enough to tutor kids.

Ms. Adams' brown eyes widened at the remark. "Connor, your grades are spectacular."

Of course. He didn't have a social life and he had to keep his father off his back. What did she expect to happen?

"But that's me knowing things," Connor protested. "Not me teaching people things."

"You're a smart kid, Connor," Ms. Adams said. "You'd be helping kids in grades three to four, so it's nothing you can't handle, being fifteen."

"If you say so."

"Do you want this placement?" Ms. Adams asked. "If you don't, we can find you somewhere else. We don't want anyone to be unhappy with their volunteer placements. It's a good opportunity, and we want you to make this most of it. It's a good experience to continue with, especially when it comes to universities."

The cynic in Connor smirked at her comment, but his ordinary self ignored it. Ms. Adams couldn't be hyper aware all the time. Not like Connor and his father were.

"I'll try it," Connor decided hesitantly. "It can't hurt, right?"

"Right." Ms. Adams nodded confidently, her brown curls bouncing about her face. She dug into her pile of papers and pulled out a green sheet. "This will be your schedule, so your first shift will be on Tuesday and the next is on Thursday. It'll be the same every week. If there's any conflicts let me know and we'll work it out."

"Thanks," Connor said. He folded the paper and slid it into his bag.

"And you'll have the same students every week. The two that you have are Michael and Mary. They're twins and they need a little bit of assistance in most areas. If you can't handle the two of them at once then we can relocate one of them to a different tutor."

"I'll try a few sessions with them both," Connor said.

Ms. Adams beamed at the remark and then she folded her hands onto her desk and leant toward him. "So. Really. How was your day?"

*Tuesday*

" _Callie_ ," Jude whined, and he scuffed his sneakers along the dirty floor. " _Callie_."

His sister whipped around, pinning him with her dark eyes. She looked a lot more terrifying than any seventeen-year-old should be able to look, so Jude felt a lot more scared of her than any fifteen-year-old ought to be of their sister. " _Quiet._ I told you – like I tell you every damn day – that you are going because I'm not having you hang around here all day and getting caught up in –"

"What you're going to do right now?" Jude interrupted. Sometimes he failed to stay scared of Callie and found himself mouthing off to her instead. "Hypocrite."

"Jude Jacob, on the bus," Callie hissed. "Now."

"You're not my mother."

Callie lifted her arm out of reflex, her palm prepared to move at any moment. "Do you remember the last 'mother' we had? The last 'father'?! Do you want to go back there?"

Jude ducked her swing at the last possible moment. Although he knew that he should be stronger by now, tougher, there was still a tear in his bright eyes as he looked at his sister. He watched her face rearrange and become apologetic, like it always did. He shook his head at her – her outbursts had become too plentiful recently. He didn't have to take it. He turned his back on her, slumping toward the door.

"Jude …" He heard her whisper.

"I'm getting on the bus," he mewled. "Isn't that what you wanted?"

He was almost fifteen years old. It was probably time he grew up.

(-.-)

Connor doodled another spiral in the corner of his notebook. He still had a few minutes left on today's hours. His students – tutees? – had already gone home. One of them seemed really sweet and had hung onto his every word. In contrast, the other one hadn't paid him a bit of attention, like Connor hadn't been speaking at all. He'd expected the reaction the latter had given him, and he was finding that he preferred it to the rapt attention. If someone was actually paying attention to him, it was just pressure to get things right.

Connor felt out of place at the Centre. He and his father weren't wealthy – in fact, sometimes they dipped toward the poor end of the scale, depending on what was going on – but the Youth Centre was located in one of the most underprivileged parts of town. Connor felt horrible thinking it, but he felt rich compared to most of the people who walked through the doors. It made him feel guilty and awkward, like he shouldn't be here at all.

He had just glanced up at the clock over the door when a new kid walked into the Centre. At first glance, Connor would have pinned him at thirteen. He was short and terrifyingly skinny, but the thing that caught Connor's attention was the kid's shockingly blue hair.

Norma, the woman at the front desk shouted hello to the boy, and he responded with the slightest flick of his fingers; it would be a stretch to call the gesture a wave. The boy then stomped inside the multi-purpose room that tutoring was hosted in. He dropped onto the tie-dye bean bag just inside the room. He didn't so much as glance at Connor, but Connor could tell the boy was likely closer to his own age than thirteen. The boy crossed his skinny legs and pulled a pack of cards out of his hoodie pocket. After shaking the cards out of their box and quickly shuffling them, the boy began laying the cards over his thighs and lower legs. Connor watched the boy go through two and a half rounds of solitaire – none victorious – before he realized that it was time for him to catch his bus.

He slid his notebook and his novel into his messenger beg and slung it over his shoulder. He padded out the door, the blue-haired boy never moving.

*Thursday*

 _The boy was back_ , Jude grumbled in his head. He was at the Youth Centre, like he was every afternoon as per Callie's insistence. He usually sat in his bean bag chair, playing cards until he could justify going home – or the place that he slept at, anyway. He would never consider it his home. Callie thought he was taking advantage of the rec activities or the tutors that came from Anchor Beach, one of the smarter high schools in the area.

Jude played cards and his sister never knew the difference, not that it would have mattered to him if Callie had known that he sat there and played the same mind-numbing game over and over again. He didn't like the kids and they didn't like him. While everyone here fell into the 'poor' and 'disadvantaged' categories, Jude still felt like an outsider. And they didn't jump at the chance to get to know him either. He made sure of that. Jude didn't care that he had no one. Solitude was both comfortable and preferable for him. But now that tutoring had started up again, Jude had to share the multi-purpose room in the afternoons. He could move, but he wouldn't be able to take the bean bag chair with him (he'd tried and Front Desk Norma had thwarted him every time). So, now, he had to sit here with the tutors while they did their teaching and then emptied out, going back to their perfect lives. The older ones – high school seniors, usually – often mistook him for their student. The younger ones looked through him, because they _weren't_ him. They had a nice bed and parents, and he was an ugly picture; too foreign for them to consider.

Jude hated the kids his own age the most, like the boy. The boy with brown hair and soft eyes who was the paragon of annoying, preppy tutor. He was never doing anything when Jude walked in, leading Jude to believe the boy was useless … which most of them were. They used the Youth Centre to boost their grades and to look good for universities. They never considered the lives of the people who were at the Centre and why some kids hung out there all day instead of going to school. The tutors never cared if they made a difference or not. The Youth Centre was just an end to a means for them. That's why Jude never used them … or so he told himself.

A couple of the younger kids rushed in the multi-purpose room, playing a game of tag. When they blasted in they scattered Jude's cards across the floor, stepping on a few of them and dispersing them further. Jude made a face as the dirty pair ran back out, but they paid him no mind. They never did. Even at a young age, the other kids knew to avoid him. Jude leant forward, gathering up the cards within arm's length. Before he could unravel his legs to get the rest, there was a hand already holding them out. Jude's eyes flicked forward to see the boy, his messenger bag packed and on his shoulder. Wordlessly, Jude snatched the cards out of the boy's grip.

"You're welcome," the boy muttered, stepping around Jude.

"I wasn't going to thank you," Jude ground out.

"I see," the boy drawled, and then he casually strolled out of the room.

He left a sour taste in Jude's mouth. He was clearly as snobbish as Jude had initially pegged him as being. In a childish action, Jude stuck his tongue out at the boy's retreating back, before beginning to shuffle his cards.

There was dirt on them.

(-.-)

Exhausted, Connor rested his head against the back of his bus seat. Michael, the sweeter one, and Mary, his evil sister, had been sniffling and coughing like crazy throughout the duration of their lesson. It had taken all of his self-control to not overreact to their sickness, although both children had paid more attention to how much hand sanitizer Connor was using than to what an adjective was.

Connor poured another layer of sanitizer on his hands at the thought. He noticed a thin film of dirt along his fingers, from the cards that he'd picked up for the blue-haired boy, who had been cold to him. Connor had just been trying to be nice by picking up the boy's cards. He couldn't see how the gesture could be take offensively, but judging by how the boy had looked at him, it was the worst thing that he could have done. Connor shrugged to himself. Everyone had issues. Maybe the boy was currently working through his.

Connor got off the bus, slugging his way to his front door. Feeling weighted down by every limb, Connor let himself in, Jellybean immediately curling around his legs. She followed him as he walked down the hallway to his bedroom, dialling his father's cell phone number. He had just dropped his bag down by his desk when the voicemail picked up.

"Adam Stevens cannot be reached at this time. Please leave your message at the tone."

In the ten seconds before the beep, Connor was grateful that it was the voicemail and not his actual father. Talking directly to his father was, at best, awkward. At worst … Connor shuddered thinking about it.

"It's me. I'm home from tutoring, just checking in. I … I guess I'll see you later."

Connor hung up his phone. It made him feel like a child to have to call every time he got home. When his mother was alive, he'd never had to call. But Dad was more overprotective of him than Mom would ever think of being, and Adam had all the right reasons to act the way he did, Connor supposed. Just because he understood why his father did the things he did, it didn't mean that he liked it.

He wondered what it would be like to not have parents. Then he decided it would be kind of terrible.

 **This is actually an old story that I went back and looked at decided to continue on so bonus points to anyone who can figure out when I left off and picked back up again! Updates will continue every Monday, around the usual time.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	2. Two Of Diamonds

Jude looked up as Callie once more paced across their bedroom floor.

"Can you stop moving?" Jude griped. "You're making me feel dizzy."

Callie halted mid-step and glared at him. "I'm stressed and moving helps me think."

"You're always stressed. Ever since we left the last home, you've been stressed."

"Did you want to stay there?" Callie demanded, like she always did. Like remembering the horrors of where they had been would make where they were now glamorous. "That place where we used to get hit and belittled!"

"Like you've been so perfect!" Jude roared, bouncing to his feet. He was sick of hearing it. "These past few years you've turned into someone I could count on into someone I should be scared of. You're _not_ my parent. You're my sister."

"I've always been there for you. I've been more of a parent to you then anyone else. I've always done my best. This is so hard, living like this. But I love you. You're my little brother and …"

"And what?" Jude pushed. He could see tears building in her eyes, and he couldn't handle Callie crying, because she so rarely broke down. Despite their problems of the last couple of years, she really was everything he had and he knew what she did for them to be off the streets with minimal food in their stomachs.

"I want you to be the best you can be. And I feel like I've failed you in that."

"You didn't fail," Jude said slowly, his resolve to be angry cracking and falling away. "And I understand, more every day, what you do for me. But just because it's hard for you doesn't mean it's easy for me."

"It's hard all around," Callie acknowledged. She was silent for a beat, then, "It's almost time for your bus, isn't it?"

"I hate going to that stupid place. Can't I go somewhere else?"

"The Youth Centre is a good place. You remember our compromise?"

Jude didn't know if it could be called a compromise but Callie always said it was. He grabbed his deck of cards and his bus pass.

"Bye, Jude!"

"Bye," he grumbled.

He caught the bus at the last moment, cramming himself between grubby bodies. A couple of old biddies stared at his hair, but Jude ignored them, sweeping a hand through the blue strands. He'd had to fight and bargain with Callie (and do some five-finger discount shopping) to get the hair dye, so he was proud to wear it. He knew it set him apart, yet another reason that kids his age avoided and ignored him, but Jude didn't care. He didn't want to talk to any of them anyway.

He slipped through the Youth Centre doors.

"Hello, Jude!" Norma called to him.

"Hi," Jude force himself to say. Norma could be annoying, but it was good to keep an ally – just in case.

He sat in his bean bag chair. The boy was sitting at one of the long tables, reading a book with a long-ish title. Jude squinted at it, but it didn't compute. He dropped his eyes away from the preppy tutor, pulling his deck of cards out. He counted them quickly, and, finding that they were all there, starting his first game. He'd almost won when the boy left. He glanced up to where the boy had been sitting, and noticed that the boy had left his book on the table. Jude looked back down at his game. Six more moves and he would win. Jude sighed and shoved the deck into their package. He slid the cards into the pocket of his black jeans. He stood up and took the few steps to grab the book. Without overthinking it, Jude left the Centre doors, spotting the boy at the bus stop, waiting for transit. Jude rushed up to the boy, who pulled a headphone out of his ear at Jude's approach.

"You forgot this," Jude said quickly, thrusting the book out in front of him.

The boy smiled as he took it. "Thanks. It's my favourite. You ever read it?" He flipped the book so that Jude could see the cover of it.

Jude squinted at it, taking in the cover of the novel. "To … k-k-ki … ll," Jude stammered out, blushing. He shook his head. "No. Can't say I have."

He waited for the Anchor Beach boy to laugh at him and his overwhelming stupidity. The boy surprised him by not remarking on Jude's blunder. Instead, he slid the book into the depths of his bag.

"You really should. I'm Connor, by the way."

"Jude."

"Do you live around here?" Connor asked.

"Sort of," Jude managed, admitting nothing concrete. Because of Callie, he couldn't say a single thing. "You?"

"Half an hour of transit away," Connor shrugged. "Um, so here's my bus. See you later."

"Later," Jude agreed, and he watched Connor get on the bus.

He had nice eyes.

The thought flitted across Jude's brain before he could stop it, and Jude gave himself a literal slap on the wrist. That wasn't something he should be thinking about, at all. He'd learnt his lesson.

(-.-)

On Thursday, when Jude walked in, Connor couldn't help but look up from _To Kill A Mockingbird._ Instead of sitting in his bean bag chair, Jude sat down across from Connor, who folded his page down – despite how dog-earring books annoyed his father, he thought it gave the book character and continued with the practice. Jude had his pack of cards tucked into his palm, but made no move to take the deck out.

"Are you always here?" Connor asked him.

"Every day, against my will," Jude grumbled.

"Want to go somewhere else?" Connor offered. It was a good day, and it wasn't like his father was home waiting for him to get there.

Jude's light eyebrows shot up underneath of his blue fringe, and he played with the worn top of his card box. Finally, he said, "How do I know you're not a serial killer?"

"How do I know you're not a serial killer?" Connor retorted immediately.

Jude looked taken aback at the remark. "Are you stereotyping me?"

Connor frowned. "Then what were you doing to me?"

Jude stayed silent.

"Besides," Connor continued, "I think you could take me."

Jude evaluated Connor, who was taller than him (although not as tall as most fifteen-year-old boys) and who also had broader shoulders than he did. Jude was used to being the small one, so that really didn't surprise him; he was both short and skinny. But there was a frailty to Connor that really did make Jude believe that, if it ever came to a fight between the two of them, he would win.

"How old are you, anyway?" Jude asked.

"Fifteen," Connor answered. "You?"

"Same," Jude lied. He'd be fifteen in November, but he didn't want Connor to see him as less because he was still fourteen.

"So, if neither of us are serial killers and we both agree this place is kind of boring, let's go."

Connor wasn't entirely sure if Jude was going to come with him, but when he stood up, Jude popped up along with him, leading the way out of the Youth Centre. Norma called goodbye to Jude and he gave a flippant wave in return.

When they emerged on the street, Jude stopped.

"Where are we going?"

"I'm in the mood for hot chocolate. You in?"

Jude tapped his fingers against his deck of cards. "I don't … I don't bring any money to the Centre."

"No big deal," Connor said, brushing off the words. "You can grab it another time or something."

It felt wrong to think that he'd been expecting Jude to have no money, but it was the truth. He didn't look like a kid who had money. He seemed to alternate between two sweaters and two pairs of jeans; two thirds of his clothing black. He always had the same grey sneakers on and Connor was starting to see Jude's toes peeking through the canvas.

"Okay," Jude agreed, although they both knew that, if there was a next time, Jude wouldn't be able to pick up the bill then either.

There was one of the coffee shops that Connor loved near the Centre, so they walked over to it. Jude held the door open for Connor, who jumped immediately into line.

"Do you want hot chocolate too?"

Jude nodded. "Yeah, please."

"Cool. Why don't you grab a seat?"

Jude nodded once more and left Connor. He grabbed one of the only two-seat tables left in the coffee shop. It was over by the window, by the logo plastered on the glass. Jude was tempted to pick at the lettering to see if he could pull it off. He was about to try when Connor came to the table. He had to cups of hot chocolate and a cinnamon bun that Jude was convinced was bigger than his head.

"Did you know," Connor said as he took in Jude's expression, "that if you by two of them same drinks then you get the bun half off?"

"Neat," Jude managed, staring at the cinnamon bun. It looked better than anything he'd had in a long time.

He yanked off a piece of the bun and shoved it in his mouth. Connor was working at the other edge.

"So," Connor said after they took a moment to savour the bun, "you've never read _To Kill A Mockingbird?_ "

It took Jude to realize what Connor was talking about. The novel he'd almost left behind last day at the Centre.

"I don't really like to read," Jude fibbed.

"I do. It's all I really do with my time."

"You don't play sports?" Jude questioned, surprised. Connor looked like the type who would be an avid athlete, even with the strange thinness. In essence, he was practically the physical opposite of Jude.

"I used to play baseball, until I was, like, thirteen. But it was more my dad's thing, I guess."

"Oh," Jude mumbled, wondering what his father's 'thing' would have been.

"Do you play anything?" Connor asked.

"Just cards," Jude joked, picking up his ancient card box and shaking it.

"Do you ever play against anybody?"

Jude shook his head as he lifted the mug of hot chocolate to his lips, inhaling the rich scent before taking a tiny sip. It was better than the scent had implied.

"Why not?"

Jude shrugged. Callie was often too busy or too tired to do much of anything when she was at their place, and Jude didn't really know anyone else. He wasn't allowed to talk to most of the people his sister associated with, for various reasons.

"Come on then," Connor invited, sliding the cinnamon bun more to the left. "Let's play a game."

"Of what?" Jude asked, but he pulled the cards from the box, shuffling them quickly.

"You pick," Connor decided.

"Umm," Jude mused, quickly trying to think of a game that they could play together. "Crazy eights."

"Sure." Connor spread his palms, waiting for his allotment of cards. "Bring it on. But I'll warn you now, I'm perfect at everything."

Jude glanced up at Connor, caught off guard by the boy's competitive display. But Connor was grinning good-naturedly, and Jude found himself imitating the happy expression. He dealt the cards with a practiced hand, and he couldn't keep his eyes off Connor as his opponent studied the hand that he had been given. He watched as Connor raked his fingers through his slightly errant hair before darting his eyes to the card that was on the table. With dramatic caution, he placed the two of spades on top of the six of spades.

"Pick up two," he instructed Jude.

Jude picked up his allotted cards, before dropping the two of diamonds down like it was a bomb. He ordered Connor, "Pick up four."

Connor picked up his cards, grumbling playfully as he spread out his new cards. He rearranged a few of them, and Jude almost laughed at how hard he appeared to be trying. He tossed down a three of diamonds, and the game began to move quicker.

When he had one card left and Connor had two, Jude felt a warmth spread through him, and it wasn't because a win was imminent for him. It was because he knew that this is what having a friend felt like; it felt like the richness of hot chocolate and tasted like the sweetness of a cinnamon bun.

(-.-)

"So." Ms. Adams clasped her brown hands together on the surface of her desk and leant forward. It was her classic 'you have my full attention' pose, and Connor had seen it many times before. "It's been almost three weeks since you started tutoring. Time to give me the details Connor."

It was when Ms. Adams was looking at him like that, wide eyed and expectant, that Connor reminded of the fact that she was a mom. It never failed to make him think of his own mother, who he had buried nearly three years ago, and who he needed more with every day that passed.

"It's hard keeping Michael's and Mary's attention," Connor admitted. "But I think I'm liking it more than I expected to."

Ms. Adams smiled at him. "I'm glad to hear that. Is it too strenuous or anything?"

Connor shook his head. "I've been feeling better lately, so it's been good."

"I'm even happier to hear that!" Ms. Adams celebrated, but Connor could sense the hollowness in her eyes; it was the same hollowness he felt in his heart. It was the knowledge that it wouldn't last. "Anything else going on? How's your father?"

"He's working all the time. Nothing new on that front. I know that he needs to because we need the money and I don't really mind. It's better than fighting with him, I guess."

Ms. Adams tapped her pen against her notepad, giving him such a concerned parent look that Connor had to dart his eyes away. It had been so long since he'd seen that particular look directed toward him that he wasn't sure what to do about it.

"It's getting better," he insisted, answering the question she hadn't asked. "Every Sunday we watch a movie. He calls it quality time and I'm just glad it doesn't involve any actual talking … That was mean. Dad cares about me and he tries so hard – I know that – but he doesn't understand me and I don't understand him. We clash." Connor shook his head. "But it gets worse on Fridays after _it_ because he always acts much nicer than he usually does. I'm sick of his rotating personality. I just want to be treated the way he would if I were normal and this never happened to me! I _hate_ …" he fumbled around for a word, "… everything."

Ms. Adams nodded sadly. "I don't know how you feel, Connor, but I can sympathize. And I know that this is a lot for you to handle, being so young, but you are a very mature young man. This is hard on both you and your father and I'm proud of you for being able to recognize that. I know you talked about feeling as if you had disappointed your father in some way before and I was just wondering where those feelings are at now."

"I …" Connor stumbled over the words, trying to sort through all of the thoughts in his brain. "Neither of us pictured this. I can empathize with him now in ways that I couldn't when I was younger. Do I think that I'm the son he wanted? Not necessarily. But do I think he _doesn't_ care about me? I know he does. If some things had never happened and other things had, who knows who I might have been." Connor shook his head. "Can we talk about something else?"

"Sure," Ms. Adams murmured. "How was your weekend? See any of your friends?"

He didn't remind her that he didn't have friends. He had casual acquaintances who would reach out to him from time to time, only to rescind their offer when they were reminded of what being around him was like. "Maddie called and said that a few people were going to the movies, but I had to stay home because I was sick. Oh, I did make a friend at the tutoring Centre though."

"One of the younger kids?" Ms. Adams guessed. "Or an Anchor Beach volunteer?"

"Neither. He always shows up at the Centre right when my shift is about to end. He's my age, except he's kind of short and he's _almost_ thinner than me, which in a twisted way, I appreciate because I don't like feeling small. And he has blue hair which is also … interesting," Connor slammed the brakes onto his ramble, feeling his cheeks turn unusually warm.

If Ms. Adams noticed his expression, she didn't comment. "That's really nice. I'm glad to see that you're making connections."

Connor shrugged. "We drink hot chocolate and play cards. It's not like we're best friends or joined at the hip or anything."

"It's a face to face interaction, so I'm proud of you. You can never be sure where a best friend is going to pop up, and it all has to start somewhere, right?"

"Right," Connor agreed, and he looked down at his hands, crossing them over his lap. "It's just easier to talk to him rather than some of the kids here because he doesn't know what they do … he hasn't seen what they've seen. It's easier to be around him because he's not a part of my day to day, you know? With him, it's easier to pretend that things didn't happen."

Ms. Adams looked at him sympathetically. "I understand completely. I think it's a good thing you have found someone you can feel more open around. I know you've been having some struggles socially lately."

"Things have been better," Connor protested feebly, although he knew Ms. Adams was right. It was a detail she'd probably recorded in her notes about him. The thought was not without bitterness.

"You haven't gotten involved in any extracurricular activities," Ms. Adams pointed out. "We talked about joining a club in the new school year, but as far as I can tell, you haven't even looked into anything, Connor. There are a lot of clubs here that cater to diverse interests. There's got to be something that catches your interest."

"I volunteer," Connor said, although he knew that his hours at the Youth Centre didn't count. They were for class credit.

"What about the school play?" Ms. Adams suggested brightly. "Auditions are soon and you seem to really enjoy your drama class."

"Ms. Adams," Connor reminded her as gently as he possibly could, his eyes sad. "The spring play doesn't debut until May."

(-.-)

Jude slid a fry between his lips, readjusting himself on one of the hard chairs outside the fast food place Callie 'worked' at. It was an actual, operating restaurant but that wasn't the only thing that the building was for. While Callie had one of the waitress uniforms that all the workers did and while she wore it while she was in the building, it was only as an insurance policy. She wasn't there to deal with the food or the customers because she didn't work for that part of the business; she worked for Nic's part of the business. Still, on days that she was scheduled to be at the building, Jude usually ended up there too – the closest that he ever really got to Nic's operations. And he only went because the waitresses, on Callie's order, would feed him. It wasn't really good food – often he was given options that were close to being thrown out – but Jude didn't mind because, for once, it was _warm_ food.

He slid another fry between his lips, ignoring how the salt stung the places that were chapped. Callie stepped out of the doors, back in her jeans and sweater rather than the work uniform, which she called 'slightly humiliating'. Jude didn't see how it was any worse than anywhere else. Her hair was wet and plastered to her cheeks from where she'd showered in the staff bathroom. She dropped the big paper bag that contained uniform on the table before she collapsed into the chair next to Jude. She rested her head against the slightly sticky table.

Wordlessly, Jude placed his hand on her shoulder. He knew she was exhausted. Sometimes he wondered how his sister was still alive, considering how little she slept and how little she ate. It must have been through sheer force of will, he had decided once, since Callie had copious amounts of that. He almost asked her if she was all right, before reminding himself that it would be pointless to. Their lives had never been okay, and if he asked, she would just mention the past again. It was just something she did.

"If I sleep for two minutes, can we still catch the bus?" Callie murmured against the plastic table top.

"Sure," Jude said quickly, although he had no idea what time it was or when the bus came.

Instead of remaining against the table, Callie pushed herself up so that she was sitting in the chair. A look of concentration ghosted over her features, and then she heaved herself up so that she was standing. She grabbed the top of her bag, and took off for the bus stop, Jude scrambling about in her wake. When they paused at the bus stop, Jude snuck a glance at Callie. He'd heard fighting last night and thought that it might have been Callie arguing with one of the more unsavory figures that she often found herself around.

Callie was just under eighteen years old, and (though Jude hated to admit it, even to himself) she was starting to look as rough as the streets they had been hiding on for the past four years. Her brown hair was short and chopped – a haircut that had been born from a pocket knife. Her brown eyes were closed off and haunted. He couldn't remember the last time Callie had genuinely smiled, instead of the fake one that he regularly saw plastered on her cheeks. Much to his chagrin, Jude could see battle scars on her skinny body; something that had become a far too common sight. He bore his own war wounds, most from years ago rather than the fresh ones that Callie sported. He understood why they had to do what they did, why they had to live the way they lived, but he didn't like the toll that it was taking on Callie.

The way Jude saw it, the only upsides to this life was his blue hair and the fact that he and Callie were together. As he and Callie climbed onto the bus, Connor popped into his mind. If he wasn't living this way, would he have ever met the only person he could claim as a friend? Probably not. So maybe there were three upsides.

"So," Callie sighed as they grabbed onto the rail to keep themselves upright on the quivering vehicle. "What have you been up to lately? You haven't really been talking to me."

"Not a whole lot," Jude said. Nothing in his life ever changed. "Centre, sleep, bum around, Centre."

"You sure?" Callie pressed, and he nodded. "How's the Centre these days then? Anything new?"

"Um, I made a friend with one of the Anchor Beach tutors," he confessed, and then he immediately regretted it. A huge part of the reason he was a loner was because other people genuinely didn't like him, but the reason they didn't like him is because he went out of his way to come off as hostile. He couldn't let people in and Callie was one of those people. He trusted her with his life, but she had so much on her plate already that Jude let her believe that everything was fine when it came to him and he did that by volunteering no information about what he did with his days.

"Oh?" His sister turned her head, eyes flashing with curiousity. "A tutor of yours?"

"No," Jude said, ignoring the fact that he wasn't getting tutored. "One of the younger ones. More my age."

Callie studied him. "What's their name?"

"Oh, um, Connor," Jude managed to say, his nervousness turning Connor's name into a breathless caress.

"What's that face?" Callie asked him. Then her eyes widened, and a storm blew across her pretty features. "Of course. _Of course._ "

"Callie!" Jude groaned, knowing what she was going to turn this into. His ribs ached as he remembered why she acted this way.

The bus lurched to a halt. Jude and Callie were a stop away from where they got off, but she stood up and left the bus anyway. Jude clambered out the bus doors, barely making it out. Callie was stamping down the sidewalk and Jude had to jog to catch up to her. He may be short, but he could still move faster than his sister.

"Callie, c'mon," Jude called. "What's _that_ face?'

"I can't believe you!" Callie erupted, confirming Jude's suspicions about her thoughts. "Why would you? After all you went through in the last house, after what Nic did to you and after all I've heard them say now? Jude …" She paused for a moment to look at him sadly, but then the anger and disappointment stole back over her face, and off she went down the street again.

"I'm not allowed to have a friend?" Jude demanded quietly, keeping pace behind her.

"You can't hide anything from me!" Callie proclaimed boldly.

He kept walking, focusing on the horizon rather than the back of his sister's head. He knew that what she said was true; while he would never come out and say everything, Callie could usually figure it out, as there was little room for secrets in the way they lived now. They lived together in an attic of a cramped house, and for the past four years, Callie had been the only person he had real conversations with. And he knew what she was talking about – the actions of the last foster father; the brutal beating he had received two years ago; the suggestions and rumours that Callie's gang whispered to one another about him. He'd never confirmed or denied anything to anyone, let alone Callie, but he didn't have to. When it came to this, she knew the truth about him as much as he did and, to her, it was all the more reason to hide him away and protect him.

"Callie, friend," Jude said, moving so that they were walking side by side. " _Friend._ "

She gave him a side look. "Better be."

And for now, the issue was dropped.

(-.-)

"Are you okay?" Jude asked Connor. His friend looked incredibly pale and drained today.

"Fine." Connor scooped up his hot chocolate mug, blowing on the liquid before he took a sip. "I'm just super tired. There's too much homework to be done. You know how school is."

Jude scraped some of the cinnamon bun's icing off the plate and nibbled it from his finger before he replied. "Not really. I don't go."

Connor paused. "Really? Why not?"

"No one makes me, so I just don't. From the sounds of it, it's the right decision."

Connor snorted. "I can't even argue. It sucks."

"Are any of the classes good?"

"Drama can be fun. We're making potato clocks in science – which we also did in seventh grade but, whatever. And, in English, we're reading _Mockingbird_ , which is my favourite."

Jude shifted uncomfortably at the mention of the novel. He knew it was in Connor's bag. He'd seen it when the other boy had grabbed his wallet. He didn't want to talk about it, but as long as Connor was working on it for class, Jude knew it would be a part of his world too.

"I still can't believe you haven't read it," Connor added.

"My loss, I guess," Jude mumbled, hoping the issue would be dropped but he wasn't quite that lucky.

Connor dug into his bag and pulled out the book. He sat it on the table and slid it toward Jude. "Here. I don't mind if you borrow it … I actually have a lot of copies."

Connor blushed at the admission, and Jude took a moment to appreciate how he looked with colour in his cheeks. Connor was strangely pale.

"Um," Jude managed as Connor continued to inch the book closer until it was nudging Jude's arm. Jude gently laid his fingers on the glossy cover and swallowed. He stared at the title, wondering if he trusted Connor enough to tell him the truth. He met Connor's eyes and he realized, yes, he did. "Um, I can't."

"I don't mind," Connor insisted, misunderstanding. "I really do think you'll love it."

"I mean, I can't … _read_ ," Jude clarified, feeling sick as he revealed the truth. Not even Callie knew how bad it was, and he instantly felt like he had to redeem himself. He didn't want Connor to think he was _stupid_. "I mean, I know the alphabet and I can recognize words that I see a lot but when I try to read something new it just takes me forever and I can't make myself understand half the words I see."

Jude made himself stop talking, aware that instead of making himself sound less stupid, he was making himself sound like a total dunce.

"Oh."

Jude kept his gaze on the table and waited for Connor to mock him. Jude was nearly fifteen and he couldn't read. It really wasn't his fault. Between the abusive foster parents and the rotating foster homes, he'd never had the chance to learn or refine the skill the way others had. And then, after everything, when he stopped being able to go to school and learn, he had lost it. But he'd never told anyone how low his reading level was; he'd never had anyone he could confide in about it. Callie had been the only person in the world he had trusted, but she had just assumed that everything was fine. With the way their life was, Jude hadn't the heart to correct her about it. But Callie wasn't the only person in the world that he trusted anymore, and Jude raised his eyes to Connor's. He was surprised and elated to see that there was no judgement in Connor's eyes. He really was nothing like Jude had originally pegged him as being, all those weeks ago when he had first showed up at the Centre.

"If you wanted to learn, I could teach you," Connor offered. "No pressure."

"You'd want to teach _me_?"

"I am a tutor by trade." Connor's easy smile slid across his face. "Besides, I already like you better than the other people I tutor."

Jude grinned, but it faded as he picked up Connor's novel. He flipped through the pages, the black ink blurring by. It was daunting, although he didn't want to admit that.

"We can start with something else," Connor assured him, reading Jude like a book. "Something easier."

"We could start with this one," Jude insisted, voice firm. "Words are words, right? I just need practice."

"We can do whatever you want."

Jude nodded. "Okay, let's do it … On Thursday."

"Whatever you want," Connor repeated. "Keep the book, okay?"

Jude smiled at him, tightening his grip on the short, thick novel. He felt ready for the challenge of reading; ready to have Connor lead him through it. It was time.

*Thursday*

Jude hadn't seen Callie in almost two days. It wasn't unusual. Once she'd left for almost a month without telling him. It wasn't as if she had a choice in the matter and she'd come back so bruised and angry that Jude didn't so much as comment on her impromptu trip. But that month had been hard on him. They had just moved into the attic; Nic had just entered their lives. At that point, Jude didn't have any of the street skills that he did now. It was during that month that he'd taught himself to steal. It wasn't like he had a choice: Callie wasn't around, no one else looked out for him, he had no money, and he _really_ didn't want to starve to death.

Now, Jude impulsively checked the mini-fridge and the small cupboards, seeing what kinds of food were left. Not a lot. Nothing in the fridge but an overly bruised apple; a few cans of soup and a few cans of peas in the cupboard. He'd eat half of one of the cans cold for supper tonight. For whatever reason, the stove wasn't working again. Jude backed away from the food, knowing that it was time to leave for the Centre. Normally on days Callie wasn't home, Jude skipped the Centre. She'd walk in the front door and pin him with a glare, knowing that he was supposed to be somewhere else. It was then that Jude would turn on the innocent little brother eyes – the ones Callie always fell for – and pout, saying, _"But I was worried about you, Cal"_.

And then she'd forgive him. It was basically routine at this point.

Today, though, Jude grabbed his cards, his bus pass, and Connor's book. He'd much rather go and see Connor than sit around for Callie to come home with no guarantee that she actually would, but with the guarantee that if she did, she'd be pissed that he was home. Jude locked the door behind him and scrambled down to the bus stop. He ended up being a few minutes early and he waited next to a woman, who was glued to her cell phone, and her young daughter.

"I can read," the little girl bragged to Jude. "Is that a good book? That's bigger than the books I read."

"I haven't started reading it yet," Jude admitted to her.

The little girl bent forward so that her head was parallel to the book dangling from Jude's hand. _"To Kill A Mock-ing-bird,_ " she read, trilling out the syllables separately, although she read it effortlessly. "It sounds scary."

The mother pulled her head out of her cellphone at the word 'kill'. "Teri!" she snapped, gesturing her daughter back to her side. "Leave the boy alone!"

The bus pulled up then and Jude made sure to keep away from the little girl as the three of them climbed aboard. The mother was staring at him suspiciously and it made Jude's skin crawl. He wasn't supposed to draw attention to himself. Thankfully, it only took a few minutes to get to the Centre's stop. When Jude jumped off the bus, Connor was already standing outside the Centre waiting for him. When he caught sight of Jude, he smiled, and Jude pretended he didn't feel his heart skip a beat at the expression.

"Hi, Connor."

"Hey, Jude." Connor looked at the book in Jude's hand, guessing, "You haven't even opened it yet, have you?"

"Um …" Jude said. He'd tried to read the back of the book, but it was hard and frustrating. He didn't think reading had gotten any _easier_ since he'd tried Tuesday night, but being with Connor would make reading _better_.

Connor shook his head at his friend and they started walking toward the coffee shop. "You know it's not like the monster book from Harry Potter, right? It's not going to bite."

"Monster book?" Jude repeated. He'd only seen part of the first Harry Potter movie years ago, in a foster home that he'd been in when he was young. Jude barely remembered the movie, let alone a biting book.

" _Really_? I know you haven't read them but you had to at least have seen them."

Jude shook his head and held the coffee shop door open for Connor.

"Then you're going to have to come over someday so I can make you watch them. _All_ of them."

"Really?" Jude gasped. He couldn't remember the last time he had a friend, let alone one who invited him over.

"It'll take a while to get through all of them so I'll let you build up a resistance to me first, but yes, I'm going to make you watch all of them with me."

Jude didn't bother to say that there was no need for any kind of resistance.

As per usual, when Connor took his place in line, Jude scampered off to find them a place to sit. Usually he tried to take one of the tables by the windows. Today, he went to the back of the store, sitting on one of the small couches. The couch was set away from the other patrons, which is what Jude wanted. If he was going to be reading aloud (or _attempting_ to be reading aloud, as the case may be), he wanted to lessen the amount of people who could hear him. It was going to be embarrassing enough having Connor listening to his feeble attempts.

When Connor came over with their usual afternoon snack, he didn't say anything about the change of location. He set their drinks and their cinnamon bun on the low coffee table in front of the couch and then he took his seat on the couch. He sat so close that his shoulder was rubbing against Jude's and that their knees were touching.

"Are you sure you don't want to start with something easier?" Connor asked, one last time. "The library isn't that far away."

"No," Jude insisted. "This one."

"All right. Whenever you're ready."

Jude took a drink of his hot chocolate, sucked in a deep breath, and then he cracked open the book. He flipped passed the pages of reviews and the dedication until he reached an italicized quote on the left page and a large print on the right page. Nervously, he looked away from the italicized quote to Connor's face. His friend looked nothing but encouraging.

Jude focused on the quote. "L .. law – yers." Jude blushed as he realized how badly he butchered the pronunciation of the word, and then he said it properly. "Lawyers, I su …"

He looked at Connor helplessly.

"Suppose," Connor supplied.

Jude felt a small flicker of frustration. These words were all in his vocabulary. He could say them; he could explain what they meant. So why was it so hard to recognize them on the page?

"Suppose," Jude repeated, tamping down on the frustration. He knew reading was going to be hard, but he was determined to do it. "We're –"

" _Were_ ," Connor corrected. "Only if there's an apostrophe is it pronounced _we're_ or if it's spelled w-e-i-r."

" _Were_ child … _children_ on …" Jude paused. 'On' was in the word, but it didn't feel right to say it that way. "On-ce … Once!"

Of course, it was _once_.

"Part one," Connor murmured, pointing at the large words.

"Part one," Jude echoed.

He could do this.

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	3. Four Of Spades

Connor dragged himself to English, thankful that it was his last class of the day. Friday was his least favourite day of the week because it always seemed to drag on. He always felt more exhausted on Fridays than he did on other days and every other Friday, his father picked him up after school and carted him off to hell. Yet another reason to hate the last day of the week.

"Hey, Connor," Daria said, pausing at his desk.

"Oh, hey."

Daria was nice, he supposed, although she was weird around him like all of his classmates were. While he'd always known of her, he'd never really had the opportunity to talk to her before they were in this English class together. She was a little strange, though, and it went slightly beyond the way that most of his peers were strange to him. Sometimes she would talk to him for a week straight and then she would ignore him for two weeks and then that routine would flip flop.

"How are you?" he asked her.

Daria rolled her eyes. "I'd be doing better if it weren't for this class."

"But we're doing _To Kill A Mockingbird!_ " Connor didn't even think about being embarrassed over his excitement. He had no shame in proclaiming his love for this novel.

"The book doesn't make any sense, not so far. Like, when I heard people talk about this book before, it was all about Boo Radley. I thought he was the main character, not some kid."

After reading _Mockingbird_ the first time, Connor had been in love with it. Couple that with his sudden and copious amounts of free time, and Connor had read a near ridiculous amount of online literary analysis essays on the novel.

"Boo Radley is supposed to be –" Connor cut himself off when he realized Daria wasn't listening to him, more focused on flipping through her copy of the novel.

She looked up at him. "You know, it's kind of creepy that a _kid_ is dealing with all of this. _I_ wouldn't even want to deal with it."

"Kids deal with stuff all the time," Connor reminded her. "We deal with stuff too."

"Oh." Daria's dark eyes widened. "Connor, I didn't mean –"

Neither did I," he said quickly, his body feeling strangely heavy. Would they ever let him forget, even for a single moment, that he had been completely set apart from them two years ago? Connor longed for Jude's company; he, who didn't know and who had never judged because of that ignorance.

Daria's expression flickered and without another word, she darted to her seat. Connor had a feeling they were about to kick off another stint of not talking.

"All right, class," Mrs. Saum said, finally beginning. "I assume you've all finished part one, at _least_ by this point."

There was a collective mumbling; not really an agreement but not really a disagreement either.

"Does anyone have any questions before I start the lesson?" Mrs. Saum asked.

Maddie's hand hit the air. "I don't really get the quote at the beginning. I mean, like yeah, Atticus and stuff but there had to be a better quote than that one. I just don't think that one gets the whole novel, you know?"

Mrs. Saum nodded as Maddie talked. "Class, what do you think of Charles Lamb's quote at the beginning?"

Connor liked the quote and thought the book would look weird without it, even if there was a different quote to take its place. But, what he liked more, was how he could hear Jude's voice with perfect clarity, stumbling over the words again and again until it sounded like he'd never had any trouble with them at all.

(-.-)

Jude let himself in the back door of the house as quietly as possible. The attic stars were right by the back entrance, so he wouldn't have to spend any time on the main floor. He hated the main floor – it was where Nic and his goons hung out, and, at any given time, there was bound to be at least one of them around. Jude didn't like them, but they liked him even less. Jude didn't even want to think of what they would do to him if he wasn't Callie's brother. Callie, who _was_ important to them, Nic especially.

He walked up the attic stairs, just as silently as he'd walked in the house. He didn't want to attract the attention of whoever might be lurking around; he wasn't supposed to disturb anything or anyone. He was supposed to act like he didn't exist. He made it up to the top of the stairs and twisted the doorknob to his and Callie's apartment. The door swung open and Jude crept inside hesitantly. The miniscule kitchen was empty and so was the living room; the bathroom door was hanging open. He was about to check the bedroom he and Callie shared when that door opened and it was his sister who stepped out. Jude relaxed only when he realized Callie was alone.

"Where have you been?" she asked, like _she_ hadn't been gone for days.

Jude reached into the front pocket of his black hoodie, producing one of the little plastic containers his hair dye came in. "My roots are showing."

"Want me to do it?" Callie asked, and Jude passed her the container.

He sat down on the arm of one of the armchairs Callie had picked up from the side of the road, waiting as his sister fetched plastic gloves from a bag Jude had acquired a while ago.

"Hoodie off," Callie reminded him.

Jude shrugged out of it, dropping it onto the seat of the chair.

"So, where were _you_?" he asked, knowing it was unlikely she'd tell him.

"I told you that I was going to have to start going on regular trips."

"I just like it when I know where you are." Or if she was alive. He wasn't even sure if anyone would tell him if Callie were killed at … _work._ And if Callie were dead, or anything happened to her at all, Jude knew that he wouldn't make it.

"I'll try to start leaving you notes," Callie promised, rubbing the dye into his hair. Jude's scalp prickled as the cool dye touched him. "I'll hide them in the closet, though. Just in case."

"Okay." Not that it would matter.

"Someday you're going to get caught," Callie said suddenly. "A kid with blue hair wanders in and all of a sudden blue hair dye is missing? Especially since we have to do this every month."

"I'm careful," Jude insisted. "I go to different stores every time."

"I'm just saying –"

"It's not like you could do it," Jude interrupted. Callie was no good at shoplifting; he always had to do it for them.

Sternly, Callie said, "Whatever you do –"

"Don't get caught." Jude parroted back the words that had come to govern his life. "Don't talk to the police or any other authority. Don't bring unwanted attention to myself. Make sure I can run faster than everyone else."

"And?"

"Don't tell anyone _anything_. If asked, my last name is Smith and I don't have a sister."

"Good." Callie smoothed her hands through his hair, making sure all the strands were saturated. "There. Now you just need to cook for half an hour."

"I know the drill."

"I'm going down to the basement."

Jude made a face. He'd only been the basement once, but that was one time too many. Not only was it disgusting, it was also a huge slap of reality. While Jude was always aware of the big picture of what Callie did for Nic and who she was to him, she had always kept the details from him. Therefore, he had a certain level of disassociation with it. Callie had a purpose in keeping him away from the bulk of her life, though. If push came to shove and something went wrong, she wanted him to truthfully be able to say he knew nothing about Nic and that he had never done anything _for_ Nic. It was one of the few things she could do to save Jude.

"It's not that bad," Callie said, although she knew it was a lie.

"No, it's worse," Jude agreed cheerfully.

"It's not like we're chopping up bodies." Callie rolled her eyes.

"No, you're just cooking meth."

Callie glared at him. "I didn't ask your opinion."

" _That_ wasn't an opinion, although, trust me, I have one."

"Ugh. I'll be back. Stay –"

"Here. I _know_. I even know that I have to lock the door behind you."

Callie nodded at her brother, having nothing else to say to him. She left the apartment and stood outside the door until she heard him lock the door like he had promised, and then she continued down into the basement.

After locking the door, Jude went into their bedroom, making sure he didn't even come close to touching his head to anything. Callie just might kill him if he stained something blue. Jude fetched _To Kill A Mockingbird_ from the bottom drawer of the dresser. When they had gotten the dresser, Callie had promised him she would never open the bottom drawer and that, in a world that they shared entirely, it would be his one slice of privacy. The book in his hand, he returned the armchair, sitting in the seat sideways so his hair would remain untouched. Jude opened the book to the first page. Yesterday, he had only managed to read one and a half pages before he couldn't handle it anymore. Like always, he had waited for Connor to laugh at him, but like always, Connor never did. He didn't push Jude to read more once Jude had slammed the book shut – although he did solicit a promise that Jude would at least _look_ at up to page five. Instead of continuing with reading, they had played cards for the rest of the afternoon.

Jude opened the book, once again thinking the type was too small. He whispered the words to himself as he read, going back to the very first page.

"When he was nee-ar-ly thi … thir … thirteen …"

(-.-)

Connor opened his arms so that Adam could settle the aging cat on his son's stomach while Connor laid on the couch. Connor ran his hand over Jellybean's soft grey head and she began to purr, pushing herself into his palm. Connor had picked her out when he was only two years old and she had been his cat, and his alone, ever since.

"Make sure she doesn't scratch you," Adam warned.

Jellybean flipped onto her back, revealing her white tummy. Connor continued to pat her as he said, "Dad, Jelly wouldn't know how to scratch if her life depended on it."

Adam could only stare at his son, because he didn't hear Connor's voice saying the words but, rather, his late wife's.

" _Do you really think the cat's okay to stay there?" Adam asked as they peeked into their then three-year-old son's bedroom. Jellybean was curled on Connor's pillow, right next to his brunet head, her own eyes closed in sleep. "What if she scratches him?"_

 _His wife had only rolled her eyes. "Adam, Jelly wouldn't know how to scratch if her life depended on it."_

Adam wished that she were here now; that she were alive instead of him. It would be better for Connor. But she wasn't here; she _had_ died, and Adam had to do the precious little it could.

"Do you want anything to eat?" he asked Connor.

Predictably, Connor shook his head. "I'm not hungry."

Adam wouldn't be hungry either if he'd been the one who had spent the past while throwing up.

"You need to at least drink something. Orange juice?" he suggested.

"Apple juice? It burns less."

"Sure. Whatever you want."

Adam went to the kitchen, pouring the drink into one of the cups with a lid. He poked a straw through the little hole and carried it into the living room where Connor was still on the couch. He was ignoring the TV in favour of his deep conversation with Jellybean and, for a moment, Adam was fiercely jealous of the animal; he wished Connor could talk to him like that. He placed the cup on the floor next to the couch and then he sunk into his armchair. Connor had fallen silent when his father entered the room, but he only twisted to look at his dad when the man turned the television off.

"I want to talk to you about something."

Adam's tone made Connor sit up slowly, relocating Jellybean into his lap. He held onto her as he asked, "Something bad?"

"Good, if it works out." The words weren't as assuring as Adam intended them to be. "I was talking to my boss today and there's a promotion coming up in November that he wants to recommend me for. It'd be more money but I'd only have to work four days a week."

 _We'd have more time together._ Connor mentally filled in the blank. More time together was important, despite how time together often ended in fighting. The arguing was abating with every passing week though, Adam swallowing his words and instead making himself turn into the paragon of paternal love. Connor would have preferred to fight; he was used to that. His father being overly sweet only made his heart ache because it was a reminder of all that had happened and all that he had yet to deal with.

"That sounds like a good thing."

"The catch is that, in order to be eligible, I need to attend a conference that's happening Halloween weekend."

"It's only October second," Connor protested.

"I know." Adam made a face. "But they need me to dedicate myself to it now. But it's not like we know what things are going to be like by the end of the month."

"Things are fine. Things will be fine."

It hurt Adam to hear how old his fifteen-year-old son sounded.

"Even if they are, I don't want to leave you alone, especially not for an entire weekend."

"I'm _not_ going to be babysat."

"Alternatives?" Adam asked, voice tight. He watched Connor curl Jellybean's tail around his finger. "The cat is not adequate company."

Jellybean glared at Adam.

"I'll have a friend from school come stay with me," Connor suggested.

"Who?"

"I dunno." Connor rolled his eyes. "I have an entire month to figure it out."

But he did know. There was only one person who would want to hang out with him for an entire weekend. Luckily, it was the same person Connor wanted to spend an entire weekend with.

"Mhmm," Adam mused.

"It'll be fine. Plus, going for a couple of days will be worth having every Friday off."

Adam nodded. Connor made sense.

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"If you get every Friday off work, does that mean I get every Friday off school?"

"No," Adam said with a touch of humour in his voice. "We talked about this. Best case scenario, school."

Connor rolled his eyes and even Jellybean didn't look sold on the idea. "Dad, school _is_ the worst-case scenario."

Despite everything, despite the lie, Adam made himself laugh because Connor finally sounded like a teenager.

(-.-)

Jude showed up at the Centre early on Tuesday. Nic had shown up at the attic door and that was Jude's cue to disappear completely. He waved hello to Norma and settled into his tie dye bean bag chair. Connor was sitting at one of the long tables, a girl on one side and a boy on the other.

"Mary, Michael, come on!" Connor attempted to push Michael's chair further away from him and, consequently, further away from his antagonistic sister, but he couldn't get it to go very far. In an effort to distract them from their growing spat, Connor blurted out, "What's eight times seven?"

"Sixty-five!" Michael said confidently, trying to scoot his chair back to its original position.

"Hey, idiot, it's fifty-six!" Mary snapped.

"Let's try to be nice," Connor suggested, not knowing what else to do.

"He _is_ an idiot," Mary argued. "He got the question wrong!"

"That doesn't mean he's an idiot," Connor said. "It means he's still learning."

"Or maybe he's a moron."

With a cry, Michael leapt from his seat, across Connor and onto his sister. He knocked her off her seat and they both fell to the floor with a crash. Mary scratched at him with her long nails while Michael had one hand full of her hair. Connor pulled helplessly at Michael, not having the strength to do anything more. In the end, it took two of the senior tutors to separate the duelling siblings.

"This is stupid!" Mary screamed, stamping out of the room.

"Fuck everything!" Michael agreed and raged after his sister.

Jude watched as one of the older tutors, one who had helped separate Mary and Michael, touched Connor's shoulder, saying, "Maybe you should take on early day? I'll explain why to Lena. It won't influence your hours."

Connor nodded at the girl's suggestion. "Thanks, Mariana." He gathered up his bag and other things. By the time he was done, Jude had packed up his cards and was waiting in the doorway of the multi-purpose room. They fell into step as they left the room, heading toward the door of the Centre.

"That was dramatic," Connor commented.

Jude rolled his eyes. "I wouldn't be surprised if they planned it in order to get out of tutoring."

"Do you really think I'm that bad of a tutor?" Connor teased.

"You don't want to know the answer," Jude answered, grinning. He glanced up at Connor, who was smiling weakly. _He looks wiped out today_ , Jude thought.

They reached the coffee shop and Jude held open to the door for Connor, as he always did. To his surprise, Connor then broke routine. Instead of going to stand in line while Jude went to sit down, Connor handed Jude his wallet.

"I'm just tired today," he explained, and Jude bought it. He looked a little dead on his feet. "I'm going to go sit down."

Jude went to stand in line, feeling uncomfortable, as Connor went and sat down on one of the small couches at the back of the shop. Jude looked away from his friend and down at the brown leather wallet in his hands. Jude turned the wallet over, playing with it, wondering all the while what Connor was thinking. Jude could think of no one else who would trust him with a wallet. He looked like a street kid; looked like the walking embodiment of the stereotypical kid who would unapologetically steal said wallet. However, the thought of taking the wallet and running never crossed Jude's mind. Connor could have had a thousand dollars sitting in his wallet and Jude wouldn't have felt the impulse to steal it. Feeling as if he were doing something wrong, nonetheless, Jude opened the wallet. There was a bank card and an assortment of gift cards in the card slots. In the clear slot where a driver's licence would go if Connor were old enough to have one, there was a picture of a woman, maybe in her mid-twenties. She had bright blue eyes, a bright smile, and long brown hair that reached down her back. In her arms, she held a chubby baby, who looked to be about two. Jude looked away from the photo as the cashier called, "Next!"

"Hi!" she chirped brightly. "What can I get for you today?"

"Um … two medium hot chocolates and a cinnamon bun," Jude said.

The cashier hit a few buttons on her till. "Seven-fifty, please!"

Jude opened the bill part of the wallet. Connor had forty dollars just sitting in there. For a moment, Jude felt jealous. What kind of life did Connor lead, where he was able to just have forty dollars just sitting there? Where he was able to spend seven-fifty twice a week on two drinks and a cinnamon bun? Jude couldn't even begin to comprehend that world.

Hand shaking, Jude handed the cashier one of the ten-dollar bills. The cashier quickly counted out Jude's change and passed it back. Jude put it into the bill part of the wallet and, for the briefest moment, he let himself think about what he and Callie could do with thirty-two dollars and fifty cents. The thought disappeared as quickly as it appeared, and Jude snapped the wallet shut. Stealing from Connor was not something that he could ever do to his friend. He slid the wallet in his back pocket to free his hands and picked up their two drinks and cinnamon bun. He carried it over to the coffee table that was in front of the couch and he sat it all down carefully. He took the wallet out of his pocket and gave back to Connor as soon as he was able. As Connor put his wallet away, Jude sat down.

"I have something for you," Connor said, rifling into the depths of his bag.

"You didn't have –"

Connor shut down Jude's protest. "I know. Though if it makes you feel better, it all came from the dollar store."

 _All_? Jude picked up on the word. Connor sat up and put Jude's gifts on the table: a package of pens, a package of sticky notes, and a pocket dictionary.

"When we were reading the other day, there were a couple of words we didn't know."

While Jude was sure that Connor knew all of the words in _To Kill A Mockingbird_ – words like assuaged and piety – he also knew he would never be able to express how grateful he was for the use of the word 'we'.

"So," Connor continued, seeing the small grin that appeared on Jude's face, "I thought we could put in sticky notes with the definitions. It might make reading when you're on your own easier."

"Thank you," Jude murmured, feeling touched that Connor would even think of him outside of their Tuesday and Thursday meetings.

Connor opened both the pen package and the sticky note package before he collected the dictionary into his lap. "I'll take notes while you read."

Jude's hand ghosted across the front pocket of his hoodie, feeling the novel. "You're going to get tired of hearing the same few pages."

"No," Connor argued, "I won't."

Not only could he happily read _Mockingbird_ over and over again for the rest of his life, but he could happily listen to Jude, specifically, read _Mockingbird_ over and over.

Jude pulled the book out of his pocket, stopping to stare down at the cover. While he paused, Connor spoke. "Do you mind?" Before Jude could ask 'what?' he felt Connor's head rest against his shoulder. "I'm just … tired."

Jude tensed at the touch. He couldn't remember the last time someone had rested themselves comfortably against him. He and Callie didn't touch. She did his hair and sometimes he couldn't duck her exasperated slaps. There had been others who had touched him with more brutality than Callie's smacks. But there was no one who touched him affectionately. Jude realized, in that moment, how much Connor must trust him.

He opened _To Kill A Mockingbird_ , trying not to make Connor's sleepy gesture into more than it was. Slowly, Jude began to forge through the words he'd read through multiple times. He'd gone over them, time and time again, whenever he was alone in the apartment. He'd thought that he had the first page down well (better than expected of him, at least) but he fumbled through the words distractedly. The warm, heavy weight of Connor's head was disorienting. When he got to the second sentence, Jude reached the word 'assuaged'. Jude paused as Connor picked up the new dictionary and found the word. He squeezed the definition onto one of the short sticky notes and then passed the sticky to Jude so that he could put it in the book.

Jude stared at the yellow note and Connor's cramped handwriting. If he thought the black type was hard to read, the blue writing was much worse. Jude squinted at it, trying to see if he could read it. He stuck in the book a moment later. He would try to puzzle that out at a different time. He went back to reading.

Connor was quiet, listening to Jude's voice. It wasn't until Jude had to ask if 'consulted' sounded like's-ah-lt' or 's-uh-lt' (because he couldn't remember how Connor had pronounced it last day) that Jude realized Connor had fallen asleep. Jude froze, unsure of what to do. He didn't want to bother Connor, who desperately looked like he needed the sleep, but he didn't know if Connor would want to be left asleep, especially not propped up on Jude in public like this.

Connor sighed in his sleep and his head tilted backward, almost looking like it was going to slide between the back of the couch and Jude's shoulder. Jude slouched down, tucking his shoulder tightly against the back of the couch to keep Connor's head at a good angle. Connor snuggled his head into Jude's shoulder and Jude's lips twitched into a smile as Connor's fine hair tickled his neck.

Then, as quickly as Connor had fallen asleep, his head jerked up and his eyes opened. Blinking blearily, he focused on Jude and mumbled, "Sorry."

"It's okay," Jude said, "I don't mind."

Connor leant forward and picked up his hot chocolate mug. "How long was I asleep?"

"Only, like, ten minutes."

"Good." Connor brought one leg up underneath of him and twisted sideways on the couch so that he was facing Jude. "What were you saying before I passed out?"

Jude pointed at the page. "How do you say this one?"

"Con-sul-ted," Connor broke down the syllables for him.

Jude stared down at the book, feeling unmotivated. He closed the novel and put it on the table, eating a piece of the cinnamon bun. When he glanced up Connor was staring at him.

"What?" Jude asked.

"Your hair looks bluer," Connor observed. "Did you do something to it?"

"I dyed it on Friday. It's the same colour. It just looks brighter because by the end of the month it gets really faded."

"So, you dye it a lot?" Connor asked.

"Every month," Jude answered, trying not to fidget. Connor was still staring.

"What's your natural colour?"

"Blue."

"Okay, Sonic, don't tell me." Connor squinted. "Are you a blond?"

"What? No."

"You're sure?" Connor reached forward, lifting a section of Jude's shaggy bangs. Jude kept a careful eye on Connor's hand, feeling the warmth of his fingers against his forehead. "Your eyebrows look light enough for a blond."

Jude's hand shot up to wrap around Connor's wrist, pulling his friend's hand away from his face. Shaking his head to make his hair fall back into place, Jude said, "Brown, since you care so much. Kind of like yours." It was lighter than Callie's anyway. Jude hadn't seen his real hair, in full, for a long time now.

"Was that so hard?" Connor teased.

"Yes," Jude said, feeling a flash of heat rush across his face as he realized he was still holding onto Connor … and that Connor was letting him. Hurriedly, Jude released Connor. "Now you need to tell me something."

"I'm a natural brunet if that's what you're asking." Jude didn't even dignify that with a response. Connor read his face and asked, "What do you want to know?"

"What do you want me to know?"

Connor blinked, all of the things he _didn't_ want Jude to know rushing into his head. There were so many truths that he'd never tell Jude because that would mean Jude would stop looking at him like he was now, like he was an equal. Connor didn't know what he would do if there ever came a day when Jude stopped being able to look him in the eye. He hadn't even known Jude a month yet but he already needed Jude's company more than Connor had ever needed another person's before.

"Almost everything," Connor revealed.

Jude's dark eyes peeked at him over his porcelain mug. He lowered his hot chocolate away from his mouth in order to say, "Well … what don't you want me to know?"

"I'm an international drug lord."

Instead of laughing, Jude's mouth set into a hard line. "Let's stick to the truth."

"Okay," Connor agreed and he thought of something funny about himself; something that would make Jude laugh like he had originally intended. "I've never told anyone this but, do you know the song ' _It Wasn't Me_ '? The one by Shaggy?"

Jude nodded.

"When I was three, I could sing the entirety of it. I knew every word. Actually … I can still do it."

Jude's slow smile half crept across his face. "Prove it."

"We're in public!" Connor protested.

"Chicken."

"Damn right," Connor agreed, and he fought back a yawn. "Read me a few pages?"

"Needy," Jude grumbled, but he picked up the novel anyway, trying to find his place by running his finger down the page.

Connor moved on the couch so that his head was on Jude's shoulder again. "Are you sure this is okay?"

"Yeah, as long as you're comfortable," Jude said casually, while his stomach twisted itself into knots. "Our fat-th-er said we were both ri-g-h-t … right. Being So-uth –"

"South. Sorry, but you always separate the 'so' weird. Is that how you normally say it?"

"No. _South_ ," Jude said pointedly. "South _ern_ -ners, it was a _sou_ rce of sh-shame that we had no re-e-cord-ded an-c-est-ors –"

"Not a hard 'c'," Connor interrupted again, reminding Jude of the pronunciation. "Ancestors."

"I would've corrected myself," Jude replied defensively.

"Sorry." Connor's head snuggled further in toward Jude's neck and instinctively, Jude rested his head against Connor's. "But I'm impressed. You're doing really well."

"Thanks," Jude said, embarrassed by the praise.

"Now, come on. Read me more!" Connor requested.

"Needy," Jude repeated under his breath but continued on, as they both knew he would. "Ancestors on ee-ither s-side …"

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	4. Ten Of Clubs

"Dad, either we act like everything is normal or we don't! You don't get to have it both ways!"

Adam followed his son down the stairs, though he knew very well that Connor was trying to escape him. "You can't avoid this conversation."

"Yes, I can!" Connor shouted. "We don't need to have it!"

Adam followed Connor into the kitchen, cornering him against the counter. "Yes, we do. I know it's hard, Connor, but sooner or later –"

" _Later_." Connor seized onto the word. "I don't need it, Dad. I'm not … I'm like the rest."

"What happens when we get to sooner?" Adam demanded. "Dammit, Connor, what the hell happens when –"

"Maybe I'll get hit by a truck and spare you all of this!" Connor roared at his father. "Since I know it's so hard on you!"

"That's not –" Adam began, torn between anger and heartbreak.

"Whatever, Dad. I'm going to miss the bus." He went to walk around Adam, but his father made sure to stay in his way.

"I'll drive you," he offered, not wanting to leave things this way.

Red-faced with anger, Connor glared at his father. "I'll take the bus."

Using all of his strength, Connor shoved by Adam and into the front hallway. He put his feet into his sneakers, Jelly magically appearing by his feet.

"We're talking about this when I get home!" Adam warned Connor, stomping into the entryway.

"Then _I_ won't come home!"

Connor slammed his front door, thundering down his driveway to catch the school bus. Why would his father think he'd want to talk about that? Any of it? Usually he and Adam willingly followed the same set of unspoken rules: out of sight, out of mind, but even when it's staring you in the face, _don't talk about it!_ It was how he and Adam had survived in the time since Connor's mother's death. Adam couldn't change the rules on him now.

Connor trudged into school, feeling as if he didn't want to be there at all. It was a normal feeling. Connor rarely felt like he wanted to be anywhere. School and home were just different brands of misery. He let himself think, for a moment, of where he would escape to if he could and blue flashed in his mind's eye. He sighed, shaking the taste of hot chocolate from his mouth and trudging through the school doors, resigning himself to his fate.

(-.-)

Jude jumped off the transit bus, heading toward the Centre. He was staring down at his shoes, thinking that they were starting to get too small and that he could see how dirty his socks were through the many holes when someone touched his arm. Jude shied away, his heart leaping into his throat as he thought of all the unsavory people who could be coming after him, knowing who his sister was. He was screaming in his head, even as he swung around to view whoever had touched him.

Connor?

But it was Wednesday.

"Sorry." Connor was frowning. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"I was lost in thought." Jude flicked his gaze over his friend. "Is something wrong?"

"I just couldn't stand the thought of going home." Jude could understand that. "And I wondered if, maybe, you'd want to do something."

"Like what?"

"Anything." Connor shrugged and Jude could see just how badly he wanted to be away from his house. "Wanna just walk?"

Jude nodded and steered Connor in the opposite direction of the Centre. They walked slowly. They had gone the length of a block in silence before Jude asked, "Did something happen at school?"

"No. School was the same as always." Connor hesitated. "I got into a fight with my dad."

"Oh."

"We've had worse fights," Connor said quietly, "but the _subject_ … That was what put me over the edge."

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want too," Jude assured Connor. He knew the importance of secrets.

"That's what I like about you," Connor said suddenly. "You don't have expectations of me. I don't feel like I have to be anything in particular around you."

Jude felt himself smile at the words because he felt the same way around Connor. Around Connor, Jude didn't feel any of the labels that other pressed onto him; he didn't feel the weight of the past. He was free to just be himself and it was both freeing and intoxicating.

Jude gently pumped his shoulder against Connor's. "What else are friends for?"

Connor glanced at him. "You know … I don't even know your last name."

"Smith," Jude lied immediately, although, for the first time, the lie made him feel sour and sick. "I'm Jude Smith."

"Mine's Stevens," Connor said, anticipating Jude's question. He took a breath. "Dad wants to send me away."

Jude's first thought was a selfish one: _I need him; he can't go._ He shoved that thought to the back of his mind, making it disappear completely. He made himself focus on Connor. "What does your mom think?"

"It's just me and Dad."

"Are you going to go?"

" _No!_ "

Connor's response was so passionate that Jude couldn't help but relax. Connor's dad wouldn't _make_ him leave, would he? Not when Connor so clearly wanted to stay.

Connor looked upset, his lips twisted. "Maybe in the summer." He sounded defeated. "But I definitely don't want to go now."

"Do you think you will?"

Connor pondered Jude's question but, before he answered, he said something completely unrelated. "You remind me of Ms. Adams. She always asks questions that makes me think of things from Dad's perspective, even when that wasn't her intent."

"Ms. Adams is your guidance counsellor, right?" She was either that or his English teacher; Jude couldn't remember which.

"Uh-huh." Connor dragged his heel along the sidewalk. "I don't think that Dad wants me to go, really. I just think that he thinks I'll be better off if I go and I'm not at home with him."

"Why?"

"Sometimes he listens to himself more than he listens to me." Connor frowned then, and they both paused on the sidewalk as Connor pulled his cell phone out of his jeans pocket. On the screen, Jude could see that it was Connor's father calling. Instead of answering, Connor let the phone ring until it eventually turned into a missed call. Connor turned off the phone. "We're officially on the run."

 _You have no idea_ , Jude thought.

They turned off the street and down to one of the lesser populated beaches in the area. They were quiet until they found a spot on the sand to sit. Jude stared out at the ocean, watching the waves. He felt Connor move to sit closer and Jude blurted out, "Jacob."

Connor shuffled a distance away again and Jude turned his head to look at his friend. Connor was staring back at him, something undefinable on his features. He looked almost hurt, as if someone had slapped him across the face.

"My last name," Jude clarified. "I'm actually Jude Jacob."

 _Oh_ , Connor thought and he felt something calm inside of him. He didn't know what Jude had been trying to tell him, but as soon as he'd heard the name 'Jacob', Connor had become anxious in a way that he had never felt before.

"Why'd you lie?" Connor asked, concerned now.

"I always do." Jude felt shaken as he realized the weight of what he had done. "I _have to_. And, if you ever get asked, Connor, you have to –"

"Lie too," Connor finished. "But, Jude?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't _have_ to lie to me."

Jude knew that he did. He had to lie to everyone, otherwise, he could lose Callie; he could be returned to the foster system or worse. Jude also knew something else, something that terrified him. He _wouldn't_ lie to Connor. He didn't want to. Jude wasn't in the habit of trusting people, but it was so easy to place his faith in Connor, because he knew that Connor was worth it. His chest felt heavy as he thought about Connor, about what being around Connor was like, and about how much Jude liked it.

"I know."

Connor drew his knees up to his chest, running his hands over the heated sand. "Also, I'm sorry I hijacked your day."

"I don't mind. I'm not allowed home until after nine tonight."

Connor almost asked about Jude's house. In all honesty, he hadn't been completely sure Jude even had a house. But he held his tongue. It might be rude to inquire. If Jude could refrain from asking about Connor's life, then Connor could offer Jude the same courtesy. Still, one question slipped out. "Does that happen often?"

"Do you run away often?"

"Less than I'd like."

Jude scooped up a handful of sand. "More than I'd like."

Connor dusted his hands off before tucking them behind his head and leaning backward. Jude couldn't help but watch him close his eyes and tilt his face toward the setting sun. Although Jude knew better than to let himself get to this point, although he could hear his own voice assuring Callie ' _friend'_ , Jude felt his chest get heavier and felt a pit develop in his stomach. Staring down at Connor's face, Jude fell fully into the realization that he didn't feel friendship.

He felt _more._

He immediately wondered if it was just him that felt this way, and his heart sunk as he realized that, of course, he was alone in these elevated feelings.

"Take a picture," Connor said suddenly.

"Huh?"

Connor's eyes popped open. "I said take a picture, you know, it'll last longer."

"I … Whatever." Connor had noticed him staring. What if Connor figured out Jude's new feelings? What if Connor stopped talking to him? Jude was half into a minor frenzy when he realized Connor had closed his eyes again. Whatever was going through Jude's head, Connor was oblivious to it. Jude squeezed his eyes shut for a long moment, trying to make himself oblivious to it as well. He couldn't allow himself to think of Connor and feel everything attached with a crush; he had to think of Connor and think of nothing but _friend_.

"Did you want to do something?" Connor asked.

"Like what?" Jude was quite content to stay on the beach like this, at least for a few more minutes. He was starting to feel a little bit restless.

"I don't know. We have until nine."

" _We_ do?"

"Well, if you can't go home until nine then I'll stay with you until then. Doing nothing together has to be better than doing nothing alone."

Jude grinned and faced out to the waves again, thinking about how, a few months ago, he never could have imagined someone like Connor walking into his life. He didn't think he'd ever be allowed someone like Connor. He'd spent the last few years of his life almost completely alone, always running and looking over his shoulder for the next monster. Never had Jude fantasized that he could let himself have someone he could open up to and rely on. Now that Connor was here, now that Jude knew what having a friend (because that word was all Jude would let himself focus on), Jude couldn't imagine not having Connor around.

Jude felt the restless feeling come over him again, and he began to pull off his socks and shoes. Connor sat up when he noticed what Jude was doing and watched his friend roll his pant legs up toward his knees.

"I don't feel like sitting still," Jude explained.

Connor kicked off his own sneakers and pulled off his socks, shoving them inside of his shoes. As he pulled up his own pant legs, the heel of his hand brushed the painful, itchy rash that had taken up residence on the inside of his calf. It was an ugly thing and Connor brought his ankles together to hide it from himself. He didn't think that Jude had noticed it either. He climbed to his feet, shoes in hand, and he and Jude walked down to the water.

Jude walked into the waves, feeling them swell up to the middle of his calf. He took a moment to revel in the feeling of moving sand beneath his toes before he turned and began to walk down the beach, Connor at his side in the shallower water.

"My school's on a beach," Connor mentioned idly.

"And you said there was nothing good about school." Jude laughed and took a deep breath of the salty air. "I love the beach."

"I stay inside most of the time," Connor admitted.

Jude used the inside of his foot to splash water over Connor's lower legs. "Do you intentionally shelter yourself?"

"I'm with you," Connor said jokingly, "so clearly I know how to walk on the wild side."

Jude looked at Connor out of the eye. "What happened to not stereotyping me?"

"Maybe I'm not stereotyping. Maybe I really do think you're dangerous."

Jude laughed. "You wouldn't say that if –" he stepped himself. He wouldn't lie to Connor about anything but Callie. She was the one secret he'd take to the grave "– if you actually knew dangerous people."

"Maybe I'm not sheltered. Maybe you just don't know any real sheltered people."

Jude rolled his eyes. "You _just_ said you don't even go outside!"

Connor shook his head, having no other reply, as Jude's stomach rumbled loudly.

"Are you hungry?" Connor asked.

Jude shook his head, not because it wasn't true but because he couldn't let Connor buy him anything. He felt guilty enough for their twice weekly treats, and he knew that if he told Connor he was starving (he hadn't actually had a chance to eat anything today) then he would end up being bought dinner.

Connor studied his friend's face and Jude took the opportunity to look at his eyes. Finally, Connor said, "Well, I am. Are you coming with me?"

"Where do you want to go?" Jude asked, following Connor away from the waves and up the beach.

"Wherever you want to."

As they paused to pull their socks and shoes back on, Jude said, "As long as it's not burgers and fries, I don't care where we go."

"How do you feel about Chinese food?"

"Sure," Jude agreed.

They walked back up to the street, Connor steering them to a bus stop. They got onto a crowded bus, shuffling between the packed bodies to find a space where they could stand together. The bus lurched and Connor fell forward. Quickly, Jude reached out and grabbed Connor's waist to help keep him upright. He could smell the scent of salt clinging to Connor's shirt, along with the musk of Connor's deodorant, as Connor fell against his shoulder.

"Sorry," Connor apologized, righting himself and planting his feet.

"It's okay," Jude said, the scent of Connor staining his nose.

 _Friend._

(-.-)

"You didn't have to come with me."

"Yeah, I did."

"It's just so far out of your way."

"You look like you could use the company."

Connor nodded at Jude's words and sunk further into the bus seat. It was nine-forty and Jude and Connor had finally decided that it might be time for the both of them to head home. Connor had looked so apprehensive at the thought of going back to his house that Jude offered to accompany him on his bus ride back. It was the least he could do for the boy who had stayed with him for the past several hours; who had bought him dinner and ice-cream; and who hadn't complained once, not even via a disgruntled expression, when all Jude had wanted to do was pace up and down the length of the beach.

"Thanks."

"Thanks for sticking around all day."

Connor looked at Jude, though his friend wasn't looking back. Still, he smiled. When the last bell of the day had rung at school, all Connor had known was that he didn't want to go home. He'd sat outside the building until the only people left were the teachers. It was then that he remembered Jude telling him that he was at the Centre every day. The moment Connor realized he knew where to find Jude, he had been on his feet and heading for the transit bus that would take him to his friend.

"I had fun." But that was all about to change. Connor reached up and pulled the wire to let the bus driver know he needed to stop.

Together, Jude and Connor disembarked, thanking the driver as they went. They stood on the sidewalk in the cool night air and Jude glanced around, drinking in what would probably be his one glimpse into Connors world: a simple street, with houses that weren't show home material but that were definitely well cared for; a street for families … a street that was a far cry from Jude's.

"Umm, if you go down the street, take a left, and then cross the street, you'll see the transit stop that'll take you to the Centre," Connor explained. "I can walk and wait with you."

"You need to go home sometime."

Connor stared toward his dad's car, parked in their driveway a few houses down. It was not going to be a happy homecoming.

"So do I," Jude added.

Connor thought that they both looked a little unhappy at the prospect. Connor shuffled a little closer to Jude, so that they could stay in the happy bubble they'd been in the past several hours, just the two of them. "One more thing before you go?"

"Yeah?" Jude said.

"Halloween weekend, my dad has to go out of town. He wanted me to ask a friend from school to stay with me. Would you want to?"

To Connor's bewilderment, Jude frowned.

"Why don't you actually ask a friend from school?"

"'Cause I don't have any," Connor said honestly. "You're my only friend."

 _"Oh_."

"I'm glad you're my friend," Connor said quickly, so that Jude wouldn't think Connor only wanted to see him because Jude was the only person who would talk to him. "Even if I had other friends, you'd be my best friend."

"Really?"

Connor nodded. There was no one like Jude. "So, Halloween weekend? I don't know if there's someone you need to ask …"

"There is," Jude said, wondering what Callie would say when he asked to say the night at a friend's house. "It shouldn't be a problem though."

"Okay!" Connor fixed his gaze on his dad's car again. "I guess I should go bite the bullet."

Instead of moving, though, he stayed right where he was, and stared at Jude, as if the boy could offer him a reason to stay with him longer. Jude didn't have one though, and could only nod his agreement.

"Are you sure you don't need me to walk you to your door?" Jude teased. "I hear this is a dangerous neighbourhood."

"I'm tough," Connor assured him.

"Goodnight, Connor."

"Night, Jude."

Connor stayed on the sidewalk, watching Jude until he turned the corner and was out of sight. Then Connor went to his house and let himself in as quietly as he could manage, although he knew Adam would magically appear in just a few moments. Connor took off his shoes, settled his bag on the floor, and picked up Jelly for protection. She rubbed her face against the side of his and kneaded her claws into his shoulders. Connor reached his hand up and readjusted her paws.

"You know you're not allowed to do that," he scolded her and her ears flicked at the sound of his voice.

When Connor looked up from the cat, Adam was standing just a few feet away from him.

"You know you're supposed to come home right after school." Adam crossed his arms over his chest and set his stubble covered jaw. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Nowhere."

"Tell me where you've been!"

"Why!?" Connor shouted. "It's not like you care."

"Hold on just a second –"

"You _don't_ care!" Connor cried. "When Mom was still alive, you were gone all the time, and then you went on this massive father of the year kick after she died because you felt so guilty! This protective act has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you! That's why you want to shove me away, so you can live _your_ life and not have all the responsibility that comes with a kid like me!"

"Number one – no, don't you dare move, Connor Stevens! You are going to stand there and listen! Yes, your mother and I had some problems while she was still alive. After her death I _did_ change and I _do_ feel horribly over the way that she died but those two things are not related in the way that you think. I know I wasn't a good enough father for you then and I damn well know I'm not a good enough father for you now but all that I do, I do for you. I'm not trying to shove you away. I don't sit around and dream of a life without you! Connor, I'd rather have _you_ – all of the fighting and all of the responsibility – than have any other child or no child at all."

"I don't believe it," Connor said and he held Jelly tighter. The aging feline didn't mind. She had lived through his toddler's tantrums; an extra squeeze was nothing. "You're only saying it –"

"Because it's true," Adam interrupted.

Connor laid his cheek against the top of Jelly's head, unable to explain to his father everything that he was feeling inside, especially as Adam did not want to hear any of it.

"Now, tell me where you were."

"I wasn't getting into trouble. I just … walked around by myself."

" _Where_?" Adam asked. "I drove all over looking for you."

'Nowhere. I'm going to bed now."

"We're _talking_ ," Adam reminded him, standing in Connor's way.

"I'm tired," Connor whined. "I just don't want to do this anymore!"

Adam reached for Connor, looking ill as the double meaning of Connor's words sinking in. Connor ducked under Adam's arm, heading for the stairs that would take him to his room.

"Connor!"

" _Any of it!"_ Connor shouted and then he stepped into his room, slamming the door behind him.

Downstairs, Connor heard Adam's wordless cry of anger. He ignored his father and sunk down on his bed, Jelly leaping from his hold. She made it as far as the mattress before she laid down again, curling heavily against his thigh.

"Sorry I yelled in your ear," he said to her, running his hands over her head. Talking to Jellybean like she was a playmate versus a pet was something he'd always done, since he'd treated her like a playmate as a child. And, before Ms. Adams, Jelly had been the only person that he could turn to with all of his thoughts, even back when he had real friends, not just peers who felt bad for him.

"He makes me so mad sometimes but it's not his fa – yes, it is, sometimes. I guess it's mostly my fault." He let out his own frustrated cry and flopped down on his bed. "I miss Mom."

He wrapped his hand in the soft fur of Jellybean's side and then he sat up. "I need to shower before I sleep."

As he prepared to leave his room, Adam Stevens snuck back down the stairs, his heart breaking over his son's confession.

(-.-)

When Jude let himself into the apartment, Callie was getting dressed. She wasn't wearing her usual ensemble of tight jeans and long-sleeved tops, but instead had on one of the outfits she wore on her date nights with Nic. Jude was repulsed by his sister wearing such revealing clothes, but they weren't the worst outfits that Callie had to don, and that fact scared him more.

"Oh, good," Callie said when she spotted him. "I was hoping you'd make it home before I left."

Jude leant against the bathroom doorframe while Callie squinted at her reflection in the dingy mirror, carefully applying eyeliner.

"How was the Centre?"

"Fine. How was your … meeting?"

"Classified," Callie said sternly. She put her eyeliner down and faced her little brother. "Although, I did tell Nic I'd like to know in advance if he was sending me on a trip."

"What did he say?"

"That I'd be leaving on the twenty-sixth or the twenty-seventh for two weeks."

"To go where?"

"Nowhere that you need to worry about." She gave Jude a pat on the head as she swept by him. "We'll start trying to stock food now so you'll have to leave the apartment as little as possible while you're alone."

Jude opened his mouth and before he could speak, Callie said, "You'll still be going to the Centre. You need to keep up with the tutors."

Jude hadn't even been going to mention the Centre; he'd been going to ask Callie about going to Connor's house on Halloween weekend. Then he'd realized – what would be the point? The request would either bring out Callie's protective side or her crazy side (or worse: both at the same time) and it would also give her the opportunity to say 'no'. He might as well keep living by the rules that what his sister couldn't figure out about him, wouldn't hurt her.

"Whatever you say, Cal."

"You're up to something," Callie accused without even turning around to face him.

Jude sighed at the accusation and followed her into their bedroom. Indignantly, he cried, "I am not!"

Callie pulled on the beat up black jacket Jude had stolen for her last Christmas. "We'll talk about it later."

"Sure," Jude said, although he doubted that they would. Callie had bigger things to worry about.

Jude followed her across the apartment to the front door and locked it behind her. It wasn't all that late, but Jude wasn't in the habit of staying up late, as there wasn't really anything to do at night. Although, honestly, he'd fallen into the habit after they had lost electricity in the attic for several weeks and he and Callie literally couldn't do anything at night because they couldn't see, even by the light of the few candles that Jude had shoplifted.

He returned to the bedroom, shutting the squeaky door tightly. It was both for extra protection and so that it would wake him up when Callie arrived home. He always liked to know that she had made it back. He crawled to the side of the dirty mattress that was against the wall, because Callie couldn't stand the feeling of being trapped between the wall and her brother. He readjusted the comforter that Callie kept as a boundary between their two sides and then he flipped onto his side, bringing the second comforter over his body and then curling his knees up toward his chest. He closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath. And, though he knew that it was impossible that there be any other scent but the apartment's dusty dampness hanging in the air, Jude would swear that he could smell the ocean.

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	5. Four Of Hearts

"Hello, Connor."

"Oh, hi, Ms. Adams." As he looked up at her face, Connor realized something, "I forgot about yesterday!"

Ms. Adams smiled at the remark. "Oh, good. I was worried because you had full attendance yesterday, but hadn't shown up. I was concerned that something had happened."

Connor leant his shoulder against his cold locker and shook his head. "I was just forgetful. I'm so sorry."

Ms. Adams studied him, her dark eyes making Connor feel like she was seeing right through him. "Is there something you need to talk about? We can meet in my office during the lunch period if there is."

Connor nodded, relieved. "Yes, please!"

"Great. I'll see you then."

She smiled and Connor found himself smiling back. After she walked away, Connor stood dumbly in the hallway for a minute, wondering what to do with the rest of his recess. He slung his bag over his shoulder and decided to just go and sit in his English class. In just a few more minutes, the bell would go and he would have to be there anyway.

"Hello," Mrs. Saum greeted him as he walked through the door.

"Hey."

Mrs. Saum shuffled some of the papers on her desk around. "I just wanted to say that I've been very impressed with your responses to the novel thus far. You seem to understand _To Kill A Mockingbird_ very well."

"Thanks. It's my favourite book," Connor confessed.

"It shows!" She smiled brightly at him. "I can't wait to see what you come up with for your final essay."

"Me either," Connor said under his breath. Every time he went to construct his essay, he realized that he was inadvertently copying something he'd read before. Louder he said, "I hope you'll like it."

"I'm sure I will."

Connor arranged his notebook on his desk and had just pulled his novel out of his bag when the bell rang.

(-.-)

Jude stood on the rickety stool in the apartment, wearing nothing but his last clean pair of boxer shorts. He stretched his arms above his head and threw a soaking wet pair of jeans over the rope the stretched from one of the far walls to the other and was situated ridiculously close to the ceiling. The jeans hanging, Jude jumped off the stool to slide it further to the left. He gathered more wet clothing into his arms and clambered back up to the stool, daydreaming about washers, dryers, and a life where he wouldn't have to wash clothing in the sink by hand.

The last of the laundry hung up to dry, Jude leapt from the stool again, except this time the ball of his foot stubbed itself against the seat of the stool, sending Jude and the stool crashing down the floor. Jude threw his hands out in front of him in order to catching himself. He landed heavily on his palms and knees, crying out as pain shot up his arms and throughout his legs. With a whimper, he twisted onto his butt so that he could inspect his injuries. He looked at his palms first which were, unsurprisingly, red. He rotated his wrists, and they were already feeling stiff. He then checked his legs. One knee he'd scraped badly enough that a few beads of blood had emerged. Jude made a face; he was definitely going to bruise. Feeling spiteful, Jude kicked out at the stool, like he could blame the incident entirely on the piece of furniture.

(-.-)

Connor knocked on Ms. Adam's office door and let himself in when she called. She had already started eating her lunch. She apologized to him, hand over her mouth, saying, "Sorry for the informality."

"We're going to be in the same boat," Connor said, and held up his lunch bag.

Ms. Adams laughed and cleared a space for Connor's lunch on the side of her desk. They ate in silence for a few moments before Ms. Adams asked, "So, what happened yesterday? It's not like you to be absent-minded."

"Dad and I fought yesterday. It was the same old deal of if I'm okay at home, but I just couldn't deal with it. I felt horrible all day and when the end of the day came, I just escaped. And, then, of course, he was mad because I didn't get home until, like, ten, and I turned off my phone to avoid him. Which, admittedly, was not smart because I just made him angrier. So, we argued again when I got home."

Ms. Adams took longer than necessary to chew her next bite, in Connor's opinion. Then, she asked, "Where did you escape to?"

"I went to see Jude."

"What did you do?"

"Hung out at the beach, got food, stuff."

"Did he help?"

Connor nodded. "He always does, even though he doesn't know the whole story. Just being around him makes me happier."

Ms. Adams smiled, but there was something unhappy in the expression. "You haven't told him _anything_?"

"No."

"Don't you think you should?"

" _No_ ," Connor repeated. "I don't care if it's selfish. I _can't_."

"Do you remember," Ms. Adams asked, "back when we talked about the stages of grief?"

Connor nodded, guessing where she was going with this. "I'm not in some new, mutated form of denial. I understand the same things I did before; I wish the world was different in the exact same ways I did before. Nothing's different."

Ms. Adams's lips twisted awkwardly. "Are you sure nothing is different?"

"Except for the fact that I finally have a friend? No." Connor picked the crust off the remains of the sandwich, not looking at Ms. Adams.

"I don't mean to upset you."

"I'm not upset. I'm just so tired of having my life revolve around something that I can't control; something that I didn't ask for. I know I'm being selfish when it comes to Jude, but don't you understand why I can't tell him? Can't you see why I need him to treat me like a person instead of some kind of leper?"

"Of course, I see why." Ms. Adams moved from behind her desk to sit down next to him. "There is no shame in wanting to be, as you said, a person instead of a leper. I do understand why you wouldn't say anything to Jude. I spend every day here, same as you, and I see how students act in these halls – some think I don't, but I do. And I understand you, Connor. I'm just trying to get you to see the other sides of this too. It can be very easy to get trapped inside your own head."

"Jude's not like anyone I've ever met," Connor admitted, staring down at his hands, "but when I think about telling him, all I can picture is him treating me the same way everyone else does. It's not like they treat me badly, but it's just, like, different."

"Close your eyes," Ms. Adams directed, watching as Connor's lashes fluttered shut. "Now, I want you to picture Jude." Connor smiled as he did so, and Ms. Adams found herself grinning at how happy he was. She and Connor, during their meetings, were more inclined to discuss his problems, so she saw him upset more often than not. "Now, just keeping Jude in mind, no one else, tell me how he acts after you tell him everything he doesn't already know."

Connor hesitated. Jude clearly knew what it was like to live on the fringe; Jude was different, even among a community of misfits. Connor knew that. He also knew that he and Jude felt the same way about each other: they were friends; and even though they had wildly different life experiences, they were each other's one chance to feel a sense of belonging. Connor understood Jude and didn't treat him differently, even as he found out some of the more sordid details of Jude's background.

"He acts like Jude," Connor told Ms. Adams. Jude wouldn't baby him or treat him like the kids at school did. "But I'm still not going to tell him." Connor could tell that Ms. Adams was expecting something else. "I need to have this. This one friend. I'm not going to get to have this for long, you know. I'm not stupid. I know what's going to happen to me. I'm not going to be able to hide it for too long."

"Don't you think Jude will be mad when he finds out you've been lying to him?"

It was a fair question but Connor was going to play his secrets close to his chest. It wasn't really lying to Jude, after all. If Jude ever happened to ask the right questions, Connor could imagine telling him the truth. He doubted Jude would ever ask and that knowledge made him feel safe too.

"Jude's last name is Smith," Connor whispered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing," Connor said, but he knew Jude would understand.

Jude clearly knew secrets.

(-.-)

"You seem excited to go to the Centre," Callie said.

Jude stopped cold on the floor. He'd been trying not to be obvious about how excited he was to get to the Centre and see Connor again. Realizing that he liked someone was like opening a flood for him, or so it seemed. Jude couldn't remember ever liking someone in quite the way he had a crush on Connor before. He was on his toes, just wanting to be in Connor's presence, because it was going to make him happy.

"Um, it's one of the tutors there," Jude said. "They've finally been able to find a book I like. You know that doesn't happen for me."

"Is it the friend?"

"No, he's my age. He tutors younger kids, you know that." Jude bit down on his tongue, relieved when Callie's face started to clear. Jude searched his memory for a detail about any of the other tutors. "My tutor's a girl named Mariana."

Connor had definitely called a girl there Mariana.

"Good, good. I'm glad you actually seem to start learning something."

"You've never given me a choice," Jude said.

"Okay, don't miss your bus. I won't be home tonight."

"Will you be home tomorrow?"

Callie nodded. "And then no more trips until the long one I've told you about."

"Over Halloween," Jude said. "I remember."

"You stay inside on Halloween," Callie said. "It's not a safe night."

"Yeah, yeah," Jude said. "Don't lecture me, Callie. I've heard it all before."

Callie rolled her eyes. "Go. Don't you dare be late."

Jude pranced out to the transit stop, trying not to be excited. He kept flicking the underside of his wrist, trying to distract himself from thinking about Connor's eyes but Connor's eyes were the only thing on his mind. He was going to be early to the Centre but that wasn't going to be a problem. He could play solitaire and think about Connor being a preppy tutor that he'd never be able to talk to. A smile toyed with the edges of Jude's lips. How had that just been such a short time ago? Now, he was thinking about how to be normal when he went to spent the weekend with Connor.

Jude hopped off the bus and headed to the Centre. There were two people talking outside the Centre and Jude realized that it was Connor and, ironically, Mariana. He approached a lot more slowly, wondering if he should hang back and let them finish their conversation but, as if Connor knew Jude was standing there, he looked up. He gestured Jude forward and Jude wondered what was wrong with him. He couldn't even pretend to look like he was annoyed as he headed over to Connor's side.

"Hey. This is Mariana. She's Ms. Adams' daughter. Mariana, this is Jude."

"Hi," Jude said, wondering just how he had gotten to the point that so many people knew his name. Connor was probably going to be his undoing.

"Hi!" Mariana chirped.

"We'll see you later, Mariana. We've got somewhere to be."

Jude managed a wave to the girl before he padded off with Connor.

"Did tutoring end early?" Jude asked.

"Sort of. Only Mary showed up and she spent most of her time shoving pencils up her nose. She didn't bring a lot of work so I sent her off."

"Mary's the one you don't like."

"I don't dislike either of them. Hey, I didn't eat a lot of food today. Do you mind of we go grab real food instead of the cinnamon bun?"

"Sure," Jude said, watching Connor's hand swing near his own. He jabbed his fingernails into his palm – _bad Jude_. "Where do you want to go?"

"Mmm," Connor mused. "Oh, tacos? I'm having a craving."

"Sure," Jude said. "Wherever you want."

"Except for burgers and fries, right?" Connor asked.

It made Jude feel like glowing that he had remembered and then he jabbed at himself again. "Yeah. I eat it too often. Don't want to have it when I don't have to."

"Hmm."

Jude wondered what the sound meant but he didn't have time to ask because Connor was pushing him onto a bus.

"How far are we going for tacos?" Jude asked instead.

"I know a place," Connor said. "It's really good. You'll love it."

Jude took the bus seat next to Connor, leaning his knee against his friend's. "You can't buy me tacos too. You spend enough money on me."

"It's Dad's money," Connor said. "Come on. He yells at me and then he spoils me. At least help me with that."

"You're hard to say no to," Jude confessed. "Also, is the yelling bad?"

"Define bad," Connor said. "I mean, it's loud and it's often but Dad loves me and he's not abusive or anything. I don't know what you want me to say."

"Why's he yell?"

Connor paused and looked out the window and Jude wondered if he had finally asked one question too many. Then, Connor looked back at him.

"He's always wanted a different kid that I am. We're both still trying to deal with that."

"Sorry."

"It's okay, you didn't mean anything by it." Connor pressed the button for the next stop. "Are you going to read to me while we eat?"

"Not with tacos. I'll destroy your book."

"I've got a lot of copies."

"You've said that," Jude said, following Connor off the bus. "How many?"

"I don't actually know. I'll let you count when you come over. Uh, _are_ you coming over?"

"I am. It's all good. Why do you own so many copies of one book?"

Connor stuck his hands in his pockets. "You're going to laugh at me."

"You're teaching me how to read." Jude nudged his shoulder against Connor's, feeling his skin tingle even through his sweater. "How could I laugh at you?"

"All right," Connor agreed, "that's fair. _To Kill A Mockingbird_ is my mom's favourite book, did I ever tell you that?"

Jude shook his head.

"Well, it is. She bought me my own copy of the book for my twelfth birthday. The one she had was really old, she'd had the same one since, like, high school and she didn't want me to destroy it. I read it and I liked it. She died the year after and so I read her copy, trying to imagine what she was really feeling all the times she read it and I realized that there was something new to experience every time I read the book and so I started picking up used copies every time I saw one, because I wanted to know what other people had experienced reading it. The used part is important."

"That's … kind of deep," Jude said.

"And kind of crazy, right?" Connor added.

"I wasn't going to say it."

Connor grabbed the door of the taco place and held it open. "You were thinking it though."

"I admit nothing."

"Of course, of course, Mr. Smith."

Jude groaned. "I really should not have told you that."

"What?" Connor said. "I'm trustworthy."

"It's not about you."

"Thanks, I think," Connor drawled.

Jude felt like he should apologize but he fought against the feeling, crossing his arms over his chest.

"What do you want?"

"Seriously, don't worry about it."

"I'm buying too much food anyway. You might as well pick something you want."

"Thanks, Connor."

It still took a little bit of prodded from his friend before Jude stepped up to the counter, mumbling his order. He picked the cheapest thing on the menu. He didn't want to be seen as a burden by Connor, no matter what happened between them. He skipped away from the register before he could see what his simple meal of tacos was going to cost Connor and went to find a spot for the two of them near the back. Even though he'd told Connor he wasn't going to try to read to him while eating, Jude still fished the novel they were trying to work through out of his bag and put it to the side of the table. Connor liked him to read and Jude knew that he owed Connor. If Connor wanted him to read, then read Jude would.

He straightened up as Connor slid the tray of fast food onto the table, pulling himself onto one of the tall stools. Connor picked up one of the tacos immediately, stretching his mouth around it.

"What did you do before the Centre, today?"

Jude was grateful for the mouth full of food as he tried to figure out exactly what to say. "Um, I was just at home."

"What's home like for you?" Connor asked and Jude knew that he was genuine in his question but he had no idea what to say.

"Um, lonely, I guess. My, um, my guardian works a lot and so I'm by myself a lot. It's another reason that I hang out at the Centre."

"What are the others?"

"It's not a safe neighbour either," Jude said. "I'm dangerous, you know."

At the least, it made Connor smirk. "I'm not scared of you."

"I didn't say you should be," Jude said. "But you're hanging around me. That can be kind of dangerous."

"Dangerous, how?" Connor asked, and even though Jude had somehow known that he was inviting the conversation in, he still hated the question.

"We're fine, over here," Jude said. "Don't worry."

"What? Does your guardian not like you having friends or something?" Connor asked, his tone teasing.

Jude just took another bite of his taco. Callie had never expressly forbidden him from having friends but it had always been implied that he couldn't allow anyone to get too close. There were secrets that he would never be allowed to tell and Jude knew that. He didn't let himself get close to people because he knew it would be easier. He didn't like lying; he accepted the necessity. Looking at Connor now, Jude knew that he'd been making the right decisions for the past several years. It was incredibly hard to lie to Connor – so hard it was scary. The way that he so seriously listened to everything that Jude said made Jude just want to tell him everything. He didn't know if he'd ever want to know someone so completely before, either. He knew they couldn't get close. There was a list of reasons as long as he was tall that he shouldn't let himself get close to Connor Stevens but Jude knew that had already been shot in the foot.

"I don't usually like having friends," Jude confessed.

"I'm honoured," Connor snorted.

"You should be." No one should have a face that looked like Connor's. It wasn't fair to Jude to have to avoid staring at him all the time. "I mean that, though. I don't remember the last time I had an actual friend."

"Me either," Connor said.

"You go to school and stuff. You have to have real friends."

"I don't," Connor said. "Really. I'm kind of a freak at my school."

It was hard to imagine Connor being a freak. _Jude_ was a freak. Connor was attractive; he had been an athlete. He was friendly and sweet. Jude couldn't imagine a world where Connor wasn't popular and well-liked.

"Why?"

"Um, after my mom died, I went through a really rough period and I … Um, I pushed my friends away and stuff and stopped playing sports and they saw me go through that kind of stuff and they didn't know what to do or how to talk to me so they stopped. And things have never been the same since."

"I'm sorry," Jude said, unsure of what else to do. He felt the impulse to reach out and take Connor's hand, just for comfort, but, instead, he folded his hands together in his lap. Boys didn't do that. Not with other boys.

"It's okay. I have a friend now and he's pretty great."

Jude laughed and glanced up at Connor's face, open and honest. Jude was glad that he was the only one keeping secrets. He hated the thought of Connor lying to him, even though he knew that it was hypocritical. "I think I know how you feel."

"So, when you come over next weekend, was there something you wanted to do?"

"I thought you said we were going to watch those Harry Potter movies."

"We should," Connor said. "I think everyone should see them at least once. I really like them, anyway. We don't _have_ to, though. Also, you might want to read the books first."

"I'm not even halfway through this one!" Jude protested, wiping his fingers on a napkin before propping up the novel. "And you want me to read a _series_?"

"It's only seven books."

Jude rolled his eyes.

"I plan on us being friends long enough that I can see you through a series."

"You don't know what's going to happen," Jude said cynically, trying to disguise how happy he felt. After only knowing each other for less than two months, Connor thought they were going to be friends for a long time.

"No, no one does, but, you know, I mean it."

"Of course," Jude said. "Why would you say something you didn't mean?"

"You're strange," was all that Connor said in response.

"Maybe," Jude said, trying not to bristle at the words. Connor didn't mean it in the way that Jude was taking it. "You're the one who's hanging out with me."

"Didn't say I didn't like it."

Jude wished Connor was looking at him. He wanted to be able to search in his new friend's eyes and be able to double check that Connor did mean that Connor liked him as a friend. He knew it to be true. He should just consider himself lucky that he had a friend at all and he was trying too, he really did, but he had a crush on Connor Stevens and – metaphorically and literally – Jude knew that was going to end up crushing him. And despite staring at Connor, Connor just picked up some of the lettuce that had fallen out of his taco to stuff it back in and then finish off his food. Jude made himself look away when he thought that Connor was going to look up at him. He wasn't sure how perceptive Connor truly was.

"Are you going to read to me now?" Connor asked.

"Sure," Jude said, wiping his fingers on a napkin.

"Come sit next to me," Connor said. "It'll be easier and I know you don't like reading loudly."

Connor knew that about him. It was something else that no one else knew. As Jude slid over to sit next to his friend, he tried to keep his smile off his face. What would Connor think of that, after all? But Connor didn't seem to overthink things the way that Jude did. He leant on his elbow, close to Jude, organizing Jude's sticky notes, small dictionary, and pens and other items in front of him. Jude ran his finger along the page, landing at the place he'd left on. He felt like his mouth was full of marbles as he struggled to string words together, but still, he began.

Connor wanted him to read.

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	6. Jack Of Diamonds

Connor looked up as Daria and Maddie dropped a lollipop on his desk.

"Happy Halloween!" Maddie chirped. She moved on with the candy while Daria lingered behind.

"Do you have Halloween plans?" she asked.

"Um, spending the weekend with a friend. Just going to watch movies and stuff," Connor said. "Dad's out of town, so …"

Daria's brown eyes widened. "You have the house to yourself?"

"Yeah."

"You should throw a Halloween party," she said. "You know, I bet a lot of people would come."

Connor toyed with the pencil on his desk. "No one would be there for me, just for a house free of parents."

"Does it really matter that much?" Daria asked.

It did. Not only would it overwhelm Connor but he couldn't imagine Jude at a house party. It was about a weekend alone with Jude to Connor. He just wanted to spend time with his friend.

"Some kids at this school still think I'm contagious," Connor said flatly.

"Oh, come on. It's a party. You might meet friends again. I'll definitely come," she said sweetly. Connor knew about her parties. She probably would use anyone to go to one.

"No, thanks. Not worth it," Connor said. "I don't need to throw a party."

Daria narrowed her eyes at him and flounced away without another word. Connor was suddenly glad that Daria didn't know where he lived – he had a feeling, if she did, she would show up with her friends in tow and take roost on his front lawn come Halloween. He watched her take her own desk, leaning over to talk to Taylor, Maddie nearly tipping out of her chair as she stretched to hear the conversation. Connor knew that they were talking about him and, once, it would have dug at him. It would have bothered him. He wanted to think he was growing up and that he was old enough to not care about anyone's opinion of him but he knew it wasn't true. He knew the difference was that he had a friend to turn to now.

And Jude was going to be over tonight.

It was that thought, and that thought alone, that got Connor through the day, even though his body was tired and his jeans felt harsh against the inside of his calf. He wanted to be home, in sweatpants, comfortable on his couch. He had never thought to ask Jude if he liked horror movies. He'd do that once Jude arrived. It _was_ Halloween weekend, after all. Connor got off the bus in front of his house, scrubbing his hands with sanitizer. His father's car was still in the drive and Connor checked the time. Adam should be gone in just a few minutes. In less than half an hour, Connor was going to have the weekend free from his father. Connor knew that he shouldn't be so excited about that but he couldn't help it. Adam could be too overbearing.

Connor opened the front door. There was a suitcase sitting in the short hall, Jellybean perched on top of it. Connor kicked off his shoes and threw his backpack down before pulling his car into his arms. She purred as she hooked her paws over the top of his shoulder.

"Dad?" Connor called.

"Kitchen!"

Connor padded around the corner. Adam had the cupboard open, staring at the rows upon rows of medication bottles.

"Are you going to remember –"

"Yes," Connor said, grumpily. "I'm not stupid. And I've been doing this forever. I've got it down. It's not like you're around to babysit me all day every day and I haven't offed myself yet."

Adam's glare was cutting.

" _Accidentally_ offed myself. I'm, uh, not doing that on purpose. Promise."

Adam's look didn't soften. "Are you actually having a friend over? Do I have to worry about you this weekend?"

"No. I told you, his name is Jude. Ms. Adams knows him. His, um, mom, isn't home until after six, so he won't be able to come over until she's home."

"I could go and pick him up," Adam offered. "We have time."

"It's his mom's rule," Connor said. "You know how parents can be."

"Don't let the cat scratch you."

"And that's how parents can be," Connor muttered to Jellybean. At his voice, she tilted her head and he reached up to itch her ears.

"I just don't feel right about leaving you. I'm worried something is going to go wrong."

"I'm fine. Nothing's going to happen and I won't be alone until you get back," Connor said. "Jude will be here soon."

Adam sighed. "Okay, well, I have to go or else I'm going to miss my flight."

"Don't do that," Connor said. "It's okay."

Adam nodded. "Okay. I love you. I'll be home soon. Don't forget your meds. I'll call."

"Bye, Dad."

"Bye."

Connor carried Jellybean with him as he followed his father to the door. Once Adam was out, he closed the door and locked it behind him. He watched out the window until Adam had backed his car out of the driveway and then he let Jellybean jump from his arms. Connor wandered around the kitchen. Food and groceries were stocked in the kitchen but Adam had also left the emergency credit card on the counter, telling Connor to use it for delivery if he and Jude wanted. Connor tapped the credit card against the counter, already thinking that pizza was in the cards for him and Jude. He didn't know what Jude liked on his pizza but Connor fully intended to find out. Connor didn't want to settle down on the couch, knowing that he was just going to have to get back up in a minute to let Jude in. He topped up Jellybean's food bowl and tossed her treats until the doorbell rang.

Connor thought the smile on his face was a little too big for answering the door for Jude.

"Hey," Connor said. "I'm glad you didn't get lost."

Jude shrugged. "I remembered. My brain's not dead."

"I know."

Connor shuffled to the side to let Jude in, watching Jude take in his house. He wondered what it looked like from an outsider's point of view.

"Um, you can just leave your shoes here."

Jude nodded but he didn't move. Connor followed his stare, catching Jellybean's face peeking around the corner.

"Oh, that's Jellybean. Don't mind her. She's not usual a fan of new people. Be careful with her, though, she's getting old."

"Jellybean," Jude repeated. "Okay. Um, sorry. I've never had a pet."

"She's fine, I promise. No biting or anything."

"Okay."

Jude pushed off his shoes.

"Um, come on. I'll show you around a little."

"Sure."

Jude had a battered bag on his shoulder and he clung to it tightly. Connor led him around his house. There wasn't much to see. The wide ground floor essentially went in a circle – kitchen, living room, dining room. Their bedrooms and the only bathroom was upstairs. And that was it. Simple, small, cluttered with knick-knacks and other things.

"Where's the bookshelf?" Jude asked.

"What bookshelf?"

"Your million copies of the book," Jude said.

"Oh, it's up in my room," Connor said.

He gripped the railing tightly as he pulled himself up the stairs, Jude on his heels. He led Jude to his room, instantly wondering what Jude would think of the green comforter and the airy white curtains. Jude put his bag down just inside the door and went over to the bookshelf.

"Connor, this is all almost the same book!"

"I know," Connor said, sitting down on the edge of his bed. "I told you. I have a thing about it."

Jude pulled one off the shelf. "You couldn't give me this one? You can actually read the print!"

"We can switch if you want," Connor said. "The one you have is the smallest one. It's easiest for me to carry it around."

"No, we're not switching," Jude said sternly.

Connor had a feeling he was going to say that. "Okay. Whatever you want."

Jude glanced over his shoulder. "I feel like I have something to prove now."

"You don't have to prove anything to me," Connor said.

"Maybe it's not about you," Jude said, and there was a stark honesty in his brown eyes as he met Connor's eyes. "I think it's about me."

"You'll get through the whole book, Jude, I promise."

"Thanks." Jude pushed the book back into its spot and sat up. "So, um, what's the plan?"

"Well, Dad wanted us to stick kind of close to home, just because we're alone, you know?"

"Sure," Jude agreed.

"So, I thought we'd just order pizza and watch too many movies. Unless you think that's too boring." Connor was suddenly worried that Jude would think it was too boring but he was also concerned that he wouldn't have the energy to do anything more than that. To his relief, though, Jude nodded.

"What kind of movies? Those Harry Potter ones?"

"It's Halloween," Connor said. "Do you like horror?"

Jude shrugged. "I don't hate it. I like … happy movies, though."

"Doesn't _Sonic_ have any movies?"

Jude rolled his eyes. "You're not funny."

But he was smiling and so Connor took that at a good sign.

"Okay, well, no horror movies late, okay? Sometimes, I don't sleep well."

"That's fair," Connor said. "I don't really sleep well a lot either."

Jude didn't ask why Connor slept uneasily and so Connor didn't ask him why either, though he knew that they had to be very different reasons.

"What kind of pizza do you like?" Connor asked.

"Pepperoni. I like to keep it simple." Jude stretched his arms above his head. "But, um, it's your house, so, whatever you like."

"I like pepperoni," Connor said. "Are you hungry?"

"Sure."

In the back of his mind, Connor thought that Jude must always be hungry. He ate most of the food Connor bought when they were out together and he was so skinny that Connor wondered if he was ever full. He didn't mind – Jude's eating hid his own actual appetite nicely and Connor could admit that if he could help Jude, he wanted to. He was just so at a loss to help him in a way that Jude wouldn't take offense to. Connor didn't want Jude to think that Connor pitied him at all. It was the furthest thing from the truth.

"I'll order food. Why don't you find something to watch?"

Jude nodded and Connor led the way down the stairs. He left Jude in the living room while he found the number for the closest pizza place and called. It only took a moment and then he returned to the living room. The TV was still off, though Jude was perched on the end of the couch, staring awkwardly down the couch. As Connor got closer, he realized that Jellybean was sitting on the arm of the couch, watching Jude as intently as he was watching her.

"She's just a cat."

"I don't think she likes me much," Jude confessed.

"She's just a cat."

"It's like she knows I belong somewhere else."

Connor didn't know if he had ever heard Jude sound so self-conscious.

"I like you here. Jellybean doesn't like anyone." Connor sat down on the couch, feeling like a sap. He pulled his cat into his lap and rubbed her head. "Pizza will be, like, half an hour."

"Okay." Jude slid the remote across the cushions. "Since you're here now."

Connor grabbed the remote and flicked on the TV. Sure, if that was what Jude wanted.

(-.-)

Jude jumped as the doorbell rang, echoing loudly around the house. He bit down on his lip as Connor got up off the couch and went to the door to get the pizza. He was in Connor's house, for the weekend. And the only thing that Jude could see was the differences in how he and Connor lived. He knew Connor might suspect the same thing but he would never really _know_ , not the way that Jude did. He wouldn't be able to feel the way that Connor's dad cared enough to tell him to stick close to the house but if Jude never turned back up, no one would know where he had been. However long it took them to start looking. Connor had a room to himself and he even had a _cat_ caring about him.

Who was Jude to be here?

Connor had a dining room table. Jude had seen it on his brief tour. Even still, Connor brought the pizza into the living room and dropped it onto the coffee table. Jude had never resented the fact that he didn't have a choice, really, on where to eat dinner before now. He tried to rein in his feelings. It wasn't like him. He got frustrated a lot but he rarely ever felt the flares of anger like he was right now. He took a deep breath. He was here for Connor. He _liked_ Connor. More than he wanted to talk about. He could spend a weekend here without losing his mind. He didn't get to choose his life, just like Connor didn't choose his life. It didn't mean that Jude couldn't be his friend.

Connor lowered himself to the couch with the grace of an old man, reaching down and scratching at his leg before flipping open the pizza box. Connor grabbed the first slice and held it out to Jude. Jude took it, telling himself that it was an accident the way that he touched his fingers along Connor's. He pulled the pizza toward him, biting in and letting the cheese and grease explode across his tongue. He focused on it, instead of on the cheesy horror flick. Jude didn't mind it as much as he thought he would be the fact remained that there was too much going on in his personal life for him to say that he really did like horror movies.

"There's this girl in my class, Daria," Connor mentioned, casually, and Jude's heart plummeted. Girlfriend? No. That seemed impossible. Connor said he didn't even have _friends_. "She told him I should throw a Halloween party, since my dad is gone."

"Why didn't you?"

"Not a party person," Connor said, shrugging. "Also, a weekend alone with you means more."

Jude felt his mouth go dry. Connor was _not_ going to make _friends_ easy on him, was he? He took another bite of his pizza so that he wouldn't have an excuse to say anything.

"I'm kind of a grandpa," Connor admitted. "I don't know if I ever told you this, but I go to bed really early. I sleep a lot."

"Like a cat," Jude supplied, side-eyeing the animal.

"Like a cat," Connor agreed and he dropped a piece of pepperoni on the floor. Jellybean leapt on it immediately. "Dad says not to feed her. I think she should be spoilt."

"Is she your best friend?"

Connor didn't look up from his pizza. "One of them."

Jude felt like even his stomach was blushing.

"But," Connor said, and Jude's heart dropped, "I really only have two friends. I told you, people don't like me."

"You're still doing better than me in the friend department."

Connor smirked. "You know, you're better at conversation but she's known me longer, so I think that she'd have to win."

"I think that's fair," Jude agreed.

"Doesn't mean I don't like you," Connor explained, and Jude finally had to look at you. "My best _human_ friend."

"It might mean more if you had other human friends."

Connor laughed. "I could say the same thing to you."

"You could talk to kids at school."

"You could talk to the kids at the Centre."

Jude snorted and took a second slice of pizza. "Have you met the kids at the Centre?"

"I met you there!"

Jude had absolutely no reply to that. He and Connor stayed curled on their ends of the couch, talking a little about what they were watching. Jellybean was in and out of the room a lot, mewing at Connor and shoving her head against his. Jude wanted to say that he paid a lot of attention to the movies but, really, he was just watching Connor. He thought it was fair, since Connor was mostly playing with his cat. Jude wondered if he was bored of him. He wondered if Connor regretted not throwing that party after all.

At ten-thirty, Connor stretched his arms above his head. "Are you tired?"

"Kind of," Jude said. "Are you?"

"Yeah. You want to go to bed? You can read to me."

"I didn't know this was a tutoring session."

"It doesn't have to be," Connor said. "Maybe I just like listening to you read."

"I don't see why."

"I don't see why you would," Connor agreed, and there was such a mysterious note to his voice that Jude frowned.

"What does that mean?"

"Means I like to listen to you read. Please?"

"Sure," Jude said, because as if he wasn't going to give in. "Where are we sleeping?"

"My room. Unless you wanted to sleep on the couch."

"The couch isn't that comfortable," Jude blurted quickly.

"Ha, okay. Come on."

Connor shut the TV off. Before they went upstairs, Connor fed Jellybean. Then, they were in the bedroom. Connor opened one of his drawers for pyjamas and Jude crouched in front of his backpack. He pulled out his ratty pyjama pants and changed quickly, keeping his eyes on the floor and his back on his friend.

"Did you bring your book?"

"It's your book," Jude said, reaching into his bag. He had very few possessions that actually mattered to him and he tried to keep track of them as much as possible.

"You should keep it."

"You're not crazy about your collection?" Jude asked, half-surprised.

"Not that crazy," Connor said. "And, you know, you learnt to read with this one. I think you should keep it."

"Thanks."

"Welcome. Do you mind sleeping on the inside?"

"No," Jude said, while his brain stalled out. He hadn't realized that sleeping in Connor's room meant sharing Connor's bed. "Your dad won't mind?"

"What's there to mind?" Connor asked.

Jude felt breathless, like he'd been punched again. He could think of a lot of reasons to mind. He held his tongue in front of Connor and gripped the book tightly as he crawled to the inside of the bed. It was a decent sized mattress; it wasn't as if he and Connor would be spending the night squished up against one another. It was close enough to make Jude conflicted, however. Connor, though, didn't seem to be the slightest bit affected – Jude was looking for any sign of it. He wanted there to be something. As much as he didn't want to have his feelings, he also wanted them to be validated, and Jude knew he was in a hard place. Connor did nothing but turn on his bright bedside lamp and turn off the overhead lights. He lowered himself in bed next to Jude.

"What chapter are we on?"

"Only chapter three," Jude admitted, shamefully. It wasn't as if they were long chapters. Chapter three occurred on page twenty-two. It was a hellish pace and he wasn't sure why Connor hadn't quit on him yet. He wasn't sure how he hadn't quit on himself yet.

"Go ahead," Connor said. "I believe in you."

Yeah, _that_ was probably why Jude hadn't quit yet. He cleared his throat, glancing at Connor, as Connor settled down against the pillows, tucking one hand under his head.

"I'm listening," Connor assured him, but Jude had never been worried that he wasn't.

Jude cleared his throat. "Catching Walter … Walter Cun … Connor?"

"Cunningham," Connor said, not even bothering to glance at the book.

"Cunningham," Jude repeated. "You know, why do I bother to read this to you if you have it memorized?"

"Because I don't have it memorized _yet_ ," Connor said.

"Why do you want it memorized?"

"For Mom," Connor said, as though it should have been obvious and Jude did feel slightly guilty for not thinking of it immediately. "What's next?"

"… in the schoolyard …"

And, so, Jude read, until Connor fell asleep. When he realized that Connor was completely dead to the world, Jude folded the ear of the book down, like he had noticed that Connor had done to the book many times before him. He reached across Connor, sliding the book onto the nightstand and then turning off the light. He didn't know whether or not Connor usually slept with it on but he took the chance in turning it off. He laid down on his back and stared up at the ceiling, listening to the sound of Connor breathing. He was used to sharing a bed. He was used to someone being right there as he slept. Admittedly, for a lot of reasons, he didn't sleep as well when Callie wasn't next to him. But sleeping next to Callie was a lot different than sleeping next to Connor. Callie put a buffer between them while they slept. Callie stuck to her side of the bed. He and Callie had separate blankets. Yet, he and Connor were sharing a blanket. When Connor turned onto his side to face Jude, their feet touched, and it jolted Jude's heart.

Instead of sheep, he counted Connor's breath until he fell asleep.

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	7. Three Of Clubs

Connor woke up with Jellybean on his face. It happened every morning and he wasn't surprised that his cat was on the pillow next to him. He reached one hand up, burrowing it into the fur on her stomach. Her head popped up with a trill of surprise and she glanced at him before settling her head back on her paws.

"What was that noise?"

Connor couldn't help but smile at Jude's sleepy voice. He turned his back on Jelly to face the inside of his bed. Jude was still asleep, or so it looked, hugging his pillow and hiding almost completely underneath the covers.

"It was the cat."

"Oh." One of Jude's eyes half-opened and then he closed them both again. "What time is it?"

Connor sat up and glanced at his clock. "Nearly ten."

It wasn't that early, not really that late either. Connor had no idea what Jude's usual schedule was like, though. He could wake up at eight in the morning. He could stay in bed until afternoon. It was Connor's normal time to wake up when he was left alone on weekends, no school alarm or anything else to bother him into waking up. He reached his arms up and dragged Jellybean off the pillow and under the covers with him. She barely moved as he took her into his arms.

"Does the cat always sleep with you?"

"Jellybean," Connor said. "You can say her name."

"Jellybean," Jude said, and Connor could hear his sarcasm. "Why did you name her that?"

"I was so little," Connor said. "I'm not even sure that I had a reason!"

Jude laughed at him.

"And, yes, she does always sleep with me."

Connor looked over as Jude hesitantly stretched his hand out. Jellybean lifted her head, sniffing carefully at his fingers. She tilted her head, letting him touch her ear, but just barely. Then, she flicked her tail dismissively and put her head down on Connor's chest.

"Don't take it personally," Connor said.

"She doesn't like me," Jude whined.

"She'll get used to you," Connor promised. "You'll just have to come back."

"If you don't hate me by the end of the weekend."

"That's definitely not going to happen," Connor said. He couldn't imagine it.

Jude pulled the blankets more around him. "Your dad probably won't want me around once he sees me. Didn't you tell him that I was a friend from school?"

"Yeah, so?"

"So, there's a problem with the truth."

"Apparently, Mr. Smith," Connor said, almost laughing when Jude's face soured. "That's why I didn't say anything, you know, because I didn't think you'd want him to know. I'm not hiding you."

"Promise?"

Was it just Connor's imagination or did Jude sound self-conscious? Either way, he promised, because as if he wouldn't. As if Jude wasn't the best friend he'd ever had, even with the things they couldn't say to one another, because there were still things that they could say to one another. He was safe with Jude, no matter how often Jude teased the word 'dangerous' in front of him. Jelly stood up and left off him and Connor winced as he could feel her claws against his skin. He hoped she hadn't left marks but, at least, scratches on his chest would be easy to hide. She'd be in trouble if Adam knew that he had gotten scratched.

"Maybe we should get up," Connor said, watching Jellybean stalk out of the room. "Are you hungry?"

"Sure," Jude said. "What are we having?"

"Whatever is in the fridge. We might have to make something." Connor sat up. "What do you like for breakfast? Bacon, eggs, French toast?"

"All of it."

Connor laughed. "There's tomorrow morning too. What do you want this morning?"

"Bacon. I love scrambled eggs."

As if they were the most important things in the world, Connor thought of how he knew that Jude liked pepperoni pizza and scrambled eggs. He just wanted to know Jude. All of him. He pulled his leg toward him, glancing at his calf as his pyjama pant rolled up. His rash was red and angry and all he wanted to do was itch it until it bled. Instead, he pulled the pant leg back down and left his room, heading into the bathroom so that he could do something about it.

When he came out, Jude was already downstairs, rifling through his cupboards.

"I thought I might try and get something started but I can't find a frying pan."

"Next one over," Connor said. "You were close."

"But no cigar," Jude said, and then he frowned. "I don't understand that saying."

"I've never heard it before," Connor admitted. He opened the cupboard, glanced at the medication bottles, and then glanced at Jude. He could wait a few minutes for Jude to leave the room.

Instead, he fished out the bacon and eggs from the fridge while Jude put two pans down on the stove.

"Do you have music or anything?" Jude asked. "Quiet's kind of weird."

Connor could agree with that. He went into the living room and turned on the TV, putting the volume up loud enough that they would be able to hear the music in the kitchen. He caught Jude heading up the stairs and he nearly fell over his own feet in an effort to get to the kitchen. He quickly swallowed his pills, shutting the cupboard door. He hoped Jude didn't open that one – or hadn't already in his efforts to get through the kitchen. Jude wasn't stupid and Jude was getting good enough at reading. Connor couldn't be able to lie to him and say that they were Adam's pills.

Connor carefully washed his hands and then laid the bacon out in the pan, turning the heat on low. He perked up when he heard Jude's footsteps, bringing him back into the kitchen. Connor put a bowl on the counter.

"Want to start cracking eggs?"

"Okay," Jude said. "Do you, um, have garlic salt?"

"Maybe. Why?"

"My mom used to put a little garlic salt in her eggs, I guess."

"Your mom?" Connor asked, his hand half in the shelf full of seasonings. Was it mean to think that he doubted Jude had a mom?

"Well, I never got to really know her," Jude mumbled. "I heard that second hand but I … I haven't been able to try it."

Oh.

Connor put the garlic salt down on the counter. "It's your lucky day. What else do you want in them? Cheese?"

"We have to add milk," Jude said.

"Right."

Was it too sheltered of him to think that he had never made scrambled eggs before? He had made other things but not scrambled eggs. He didn't admit it to Jude – he just placed the milk carton next to him and went about being busy with the bacon. Jude didn't measure anything, he just dumped the milk in the bowl.

"Should we shred the cheese?"

Connor could do that.

"So, your guardian isn't your mom," Connor said.

"No," Jude said. "I don't like talking about it."

"It's a secret too," Connor surmised.

"Yeah, but I feel bad about keeping it. It's the only one that's necessary."

Connor dumped the cheese into Jude's bowl. "So, I get to know everything else?"

"I'm not that interesting."

"You are." It felt like too much to Connor, somehow, and he started to feel uneasy. "I mean, you're my friend. I find you interesting."

"Right," Jude said. "But I'm really not all that interesting."

"Agree to disagree."

"If you want to know all about me, do I get to know all about you?"

"You accusing me of hiding things?" Connor asked, hoping his look didn't give him away. His stomach ached and he thought of Ms. Adams. To tell Jude the truth, to admit what it was hard to say to himself some days –

"No, I don't think you are. Honestly, I'd say you're probably too honest. At least too honest looking."

No. He'd be even guiltier now to tell Jude and nothing had changed since he had talked to Ms. Adams about Jude. He was still being selfish. He still wanted Jude in the dark so that he didn't have to see the same look on Jude's face that he had seen on his old friends' all those years ago. Jude was more than they had been. Somehow, Connor knew that. Even though he wasn't sure in what way yet.

"What? I'm not dangerous?"

Jude laughed and poured the eggs in the pan. "Have you gone outside yet?"

"Yes, in the past twenty-four hours, even!"

"Not in the past twelve."

"Well, neither have you."

Jude had nothing to say to that and he just good-naturedly glowered at Connor from under his bright blue bangs. Connor flipped the bacon again; it was starting to look done.

"So, what are we doing today?" Jude asked.

"Um, I don't know. Movies, video games, anything. I mean, we don't have to stay inside but Dad did say he wanted us close to the house and there's really nothing to do that doesn't involve a bus."

"Video games wouldn't be any fun," Jude said. "You'd beat me too easily."

"I didn't say I was good at them," Connor said, though he knew that he was decent at the games he owned. He just didn't want Jude to feel bad.

"I've never really played. Hey, these are done, by the way. Also, I hate the thought of you constantly teaching me."

"Hey, there's no teaching in Mario Kart. You either suck or you don't." Connor put plates down on the counter next to Jude. "Does it hurt to try?"

"After breakfast, maybe," Jude conceded.

"You can teach me stuff," Connor said.

"There's nothing I can do that's worth you knowing," Jude said, and a shadow passed across his face.

Connor hated that Jude was so unhappy and hated not understanding it. How could he help when he didn't know what the problem was at all?

"You'll think of something," Connor said. "Maybe you can dye my hair one day."

That made Jude smile. He put eggs on both plates, piling them on top of the bacon. "What colour?"

"We probably don't want to match."

"People might think we're twins or something."

Connor led the way to the coffee table. "I don't think we look that much alike. What about green?"

"You'd look moldy."

"Moldy?!" Connor exclaimed. "Okay, what about purple? Or pink?"

"Too gay," Jude said dismissively and Connor frowned.

"Jude –"

"We'll think of something," Jude said. "Maybe if we do a little bit of blue and green –"

"Jude!"

"What?" Jude stared at him, big brown eyes that didn't give anything away.

"Um, I … I am gay."

Something took over Jude's face. "You didn't just say that."

"Why not? Are you homophobic or something?"

"No!" Jude blurted. "But … my guardian, my … the place I live … Are you … out?"

"Just to you and Ms. Adams," Connor said, "but I don't understand."

"You won't," Jude promised, "but, listen, if you are out, I can't be around you. It's … It'll be dangerous for you if we spend any time together. Dangerous for me too."

"I don't understand," Connor repeated.

"Just don't push it," Jude said and he returned to his bacon.

Connor stuck his fork through his eggs but he didn't really feel hungry anymore, and not for the usual reasons. How could Connor feel fine? He had thought Jude was someone who would accept him, who would care about him. He thought that being gay was something that – finally – he didn't have to hide from someone. Someone who was a real friend. Ms. Adams was a little like a therapist, telling her wasn't the same. And Jude didn't accept him. Jude had essentially said that he was sticking his fingers in his ears and not listening to Connor. It was crushing. He wanted to say more but Jude's words rang in his head: _just don't push it._

"Do you want me to go?" Jude asked.

"I want you to explain."

"Where I live, they don't like me and they don't like … gay people. Well, they don't like a lot of people but they really don't like gay people. I have to toe a line and my guardian isn't, um, really fond of me even having a friend and so if they thought … They wouldn't be nice to me. They wouldn't be nice to you, either." Jude put his plate on the table and pulled his knees up to his chest. " _I_ don't care. I mean, you're my friend and that's what you'll be to me but it's about more than me. They've hurt me before. They thought I was … _gay_ and they hurt me because of it. They'll hurt you. Kill you. I don't know. If you want to be around me, you can't be like that."

"Why do you stay there?" Connor asked quietly.

"They have the only thing I love," Jude said. "I'm all out of options."

Jude was right – Connor didn't really understand after all.

"I don't want you to go," Connor said, because that was all he knew how to say. "But are you sure that you want to stay, if your home is like that?"

"Well, you're not going to tell them," Jude said. "And I want to be your friend."

"I want to be your friend too."

"Then it'll be fine," Jude said.

"As long as we don't talk about it."

"What's there to talk about?" Jude asked. "It wasn't like we talked about it before. What difference does it really make?"

None, Connor supposed, though he couldn't help but feel rejected. He took another bite of his eggs and found that he wasn't any hungrier.

(-.-)

Jude couldn't focus on the game controller in his hands. Fortunately for him, Mario Kart didn't actually take a significant amount of thought. The only thing going through his head was that Connor was gay. _Connor was gay_. Connor. Was. Gay! And Jude wished that he were normal, that he lived in a house with a family that cared about him and that wouldn't care about who he was or what he said, so then eh could say, well, me too and I've got a crush on you. Instead, Jude bit his tongue, because he wasn't _allowed_ to be him.

It made sense. He didn't like it but it made sense. Before he had known who he was, back when Callie and Nic had just met and they were still new to the apartment, Nic's friends had decided who he was. He didn't know if it was the way that he looked or Callie had let it slip why they had run away from their last foster home and Nic's friends had decided that his old foster father had the right idea when it came to him but they had taken one look at him, decided _fag_ , and shouted it at him while beating him into a pulp. He had been bruised so badly that it had felt like _months_ before his face had gone back to normal. He had probably broken ribs that had never set properly, since they still pained him every so often. He had been mostly left alone in the attic apartment for those painful months, Callie sweet-talking Nic into leaving him alone. When she was around, she tipped painkillers into his mouth that helped but also made him feel just plain sick, and she also told him that it didn't matter who he was, it just mattered who he pretended to be. It was advice that Jude had taken to heart.

It hurt him enough to like Connor. How was he supposed to cope with the fact that Connor was gay? That, if things were different, Connor might like him back. How was he supposed to live with that thought?

Jude could tell that he had just made Connor feel bad. He didn't want to explain everything about that experience to Connor. He didn't want to have to tell Connor how bad his life truly was. It was only going to make things more uncomfortable for both of them.

"Thanks for not kicking me out," Jude said, watching his avatar tailgate Connor's.

"I told you, I didn't want to." Connor was quiet for a moment. "You're better at this game than I thought. You told me you couldn't play."

"You told me you could," Jude said, and he was glad that Connor smiled at the jab. He was afraid his friend would be too angry with him.

"All right, all right. Best three of five?"

"Okay. You look tired, though." Even after they'd just woke up.

"One of those days. Kinda just want to nap. Which is rude to you."

"I can read to you some more," Jude said, like it was a peace offering.

"I'd like that. Thanks."

"Can we restart chapter three, though? I messed up a lot last night and I don't know what part you fell asleep at."

"Thanks, Jude. I'd appreciate it."

"But, best three of five, first."

Connor nodded and they switched to a new circuit. Jude could barely focus on the virtual road. He kept stealing glance over at Connor. Connor, who was hot enough that it made Jude's stomach physically hurt. Connor, who was sweet and who was starting to leak into Jude's dreams. Connor, who was like no one Jude had ever met before or would ever meet again. What was he supposed to do with Connor now? Connor's confession felt like it changed so much and so little. Connor won the next game, like Jude had thought he would, Jude rushed to get the book. He flipped through the pages as he descended the stairs, nearly knocking off some of his sticky notes. He sat down on the couch and, to his relief, Connor rested his head down on his shoulder, closing his eyes like he normally did.

"Walter Cunningham," Connor prompted.

"Right," Jude said. He opened the book a little further and then Connor reached up his hand to grab onto Jude's wrist. "Something wrong?"

"Are you sure you still want to be my friend?" Connor asked. "You … You're the first real person I've told that to, you know. I trust you."

"I trust you too," Jude said, but even his own mind asked him how much. "And we're still friends. It doesn't change us."

"Okay." Connor said. " _Catching Walter Cunningham_ …"

Jude smirked and he had half a mind to see how far Connor would get before he actually needed the book. Instead, he smoothly picked up, " _in the schoolyard gave me some pleasure …_ "

It was the best way, Jude decided, to spend an afternoon.

(-.-)

"When's the cat going to stop staring at me?"

"When are you going to stop staring at the cat?" Connor teased in return. "Feed her some chicken. She might warm up to you."

Jude pinched chicken off his nugget and dropped it on the floor. Jellybean didn't leap like she did when Connor fed her, but she did hesitantly pad over to him, sniffing the chicken suspiciously before she snapped it up. Jude offered her his hand and she sniffed his fingers before jumping up on the couch, curling up next to Connor's thigh.

"I think it helped."

"Yeah," Jude agreed. It shouldn't matter so much that the animal like him but he couldn't ignore the fact that it did. "Um, what time should I leave tomorrow?"

"Dad said he'll be back at noon but you don't have to leave before he gets here."

"I kind of do," Jude said. "I hate new people. I don't like people knowing my name."

"I'll keep your secrets," Connor said.

"I'll keep yours."

"Jude, I …" Connor sighed. "I wish that I never had to keep secrets."

"What kind of secrets do you keep?"

"The secret kind," Connor said, but he was grinning and Jude didn't worry. As if Connor had anything real to keep from him. His secrets wouldn't go bump in the night like Jude's did. "You get to ask me that when you tell me all of your secrets."

"Okay," Jude agreed, because he knew that no matter how close of friends that he became with Connor, they would never reach that point. Jude kind of wanted to, kind of trusted Connor way more than he probably should, but he knew that he could never let them get that close. It had been his accepted way of life for years; he had never thought about questioning it. Now that he had, he was a little heartbroken because he knew, in a different world, Connor would have liked him back.

 _Probably_.

"I'll set an alarm for ten," Connor said, "that way we can have breakfast before you go. I did promise you French toast."

"You did," Jude agreed.

"I'll be right back."

"Okay."

Jude sat still as Connor gently moved Jellybean over and then left the couch, ascending the stairs. Feeling silly, Jude extended his hand. Jellybean flicked her tail but extended her neck to sniff along his fingers.

"I want you to like me." It felt stupid telling her that but her ears spun forward to listen to him, just like they did when Connor talked to her. "I like him and I feel like it's important that you like me too. Like I'm meeting his mom or his sister or something. If he ever met my sister, it would be important that they got along. Which is stupid. It's not like we're dating."

Jude said it all in a whisper, like he was expecting Connor to be able to hear him from all the way upstairs. Jellybean's ears flicked about again and her tail rolled up to rest against her side.

"You know more than people do," Jude decided, just from the look in her eye. Or maybe it wasn't that she knew more, maybe it was just that, being a cat, she could see better.

Jellybean shoved herself to her feet and Jude thought she was going to jump off the couch and run away from him. Then, he would have to explain to Connor how he had scared off the cat when Connor asked her where she went. Instead, she took a hesitant step toward him and sniffed at his wrist, cocking her head. Jude held perfectly still, barely even breathing, as she inspected him. Connor's footsteps reached their ears and then she did jump from the couch.

"She got scared away when you came down," Jude blurted.

"That's okay. She does her own thing. You probably get that."

"I'm old enough to not need a babysitter," Jude pointed out.

"When's your birthday?" Connor asked.

"November."

Connor frowned, looking him over. "You'll be sixteen?"

Jude could understand his look. Jude was small, skinny, young looking. If he said he was twelve, most people probably wouldn't question him on it.

"No," Jude said. "I'll be fifteen."

"I thought you were fifteen."

"Practically!" Jude said. "I didn't think it mattered!"

Connor just laughed at him. "That's two lies, Mr. Smith. You know what that means?"

"What?" Jude said after a pause. For a moment, he had been afraid to ask.

"You have to take the dishes back to the kitchen and return with ice-cream," Connor said, handing Jude his used plate.

"Okay," Jude agreed. "That's fair."

"And think about what you want for your birthday," Connor said. "I'm going to ask when you get back."

Jude stood from the couch slowly. "You don't have to get me anything."

"You're my best friend."

Jude's stomach clenched. Connor was perfect. Connor was actually just perfect. If Jude kissed him, Jude would probably get kissed back. And that hurt more than thinking that he was going through a hopeless crush on a straight boy. He held his breath as he turned to the kitchen.

"How much ice cream do you want?"

"Two scoops," Connor said. "Dad's not here, we can do whatever want."

"Other kids would be chugging vodka."

"Dad only drinks beer."

Jude smirked as he headed into the kitchen, putting the dishes into the dishwasher. He dug out two bowls and hunted out the chocolate ice-cream. After a few days, he was already comfortable in Connor's house. It was better than he had ever felt in the past few years in Nic's attic, even with Callie to ground him and be the part of that house that was home. He moved slowly, putting equal amounts of ice-cream in each bowl. What could he ask for, for his birthday? What would make sense? Jude didn't like keeping physical objects around. Things would just get stolen and destroyed. He knew he had drawn out his time in the kitchen for long enough. He picked up both bowls, careful not to spill the spoons, and went back to the couch, putting Connor's in his hands before curling back up in his spot.

"So," Connor said, "what do you want for your birthday?"

"Um, one of those fancy cupcakes, you know? From the bakery everyone is always talking about. I hear that their mocha ones are the best ones."

"Okay," Connor said. "Deal. I'll get you a candle, too. You have to make it as birthday-ee as possible."

"Birthday-ee," Jude snorted, and Connor laughed at himself. "No, I like it."

"I didn't know what else to say!" Connor exclaimed. "My brain's probably addled, right, Jellybean?"

She meowed at him.

"What addled your brain?"

"I was probably born this way," Connor mused, and he gently pushed Jellybean's head away from his bowl. "Chocolate is bad for you."

"Chocolate's bad for everyone."

"Did you want to give me your share?"

"No," Jude said, swirling the chocolate around the bottom of the bowl. Had he ever been so full? "I've licked it."

"What? Do you have cooties?"

"No. Only girls have cooties."

Connor laughed. "I've never kissed anyone."

"Me either."

"So, neither of us probably have cooties."

"Probably not."

What did flirting sound like? Jude wondered. He wondered if it would sound like that and he knew he had to stop hoping that it would sound like that. He had to turn off his feelings. He had to stop letting his thoughts turn to Connor, no matter what he was doing. Maybe if he stopped thinking about how much he liked his best friend, he would stop liking his best friend. It was a vain hope, Jude knew, but it was all he had. It wasn't as though he could ask anyone for advice. He was stuck in place.

"We don't have to test that tonight, though."

 _Tonight_. Jude wondered if Connor was trying to imagine a different night when Jude wasn't scared and maybe they wanted to catch cooties from each other. He shook his head, trying to shake the thoughts straight out of his brain. He and Connor were friends. That was fine.

That was totally fine.

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	8. Eight Of Hearts

"Connor … _Connor_."

Connor's eyes flew open at Jude's frantic whisper. Wrong. Something had to be wrong. They were in his bed, it was morning. Had Dad come home early?

"Connor, _look_."

Connor turned his head to the side to see Jellybean sitting near Jude's head, sniffing his hairline.

"I think she likes you now, Jude."

"She's pulling my hair."

"It means she definitely likes you."

"I'm … glad she does," Jude whispered. He reached his hand up and Jellybean watched very movement he made. "Can I pet you now?"

Connor almost held his breath until Jellybean settled down under Jude's hand, letting him gently scratch behind her ears. It was funny to watch how awkward Jude was with Jellybean but he also really liked it.

"I think I like cats," Jude mused, his hand on the back of her head.

"Good, that's a requirement you have to have for us being friends."

"I didn't know that," Jude said. "I don't know if I would have passed that when we first met. I think you're the first cat I've met, Jellybean."

She tilted her head toward him and he scratched her ears.

"I'm scared of hurting her," Jude confessed to Connor. "She looks old."

"She is old but she's tough. Dad says I used to drag her around by her ears when I was little but I don't believe it. I don't think Mom would have let any kid abuse an animal."

Jude bit his lip and Connor's hand clenched around his sheets. "Um. Are you hungry? I know you said you want to be out of here before Dad got home."

"Yeah, let's make breakfast," Jude agreed. As they sat up, Jude added, "Your house makes me not want to go back to mine."

"You can always come here. Whenever you want."

"It wouldn't make my guardian happy," Jude admitted.

Connor frowned and followed Jude down the stairs. "But she let you come here."

"Well, she doesn't know," Jude said. "Other things came up and I realized she wouldn't notice if I was here and so I didn't ask."

"Oh," Connor replied. "No one knows you're here?"

"Nope. So, if you want to kill me, now is your chance."

Connor laughed awkwardly. "Jude, it took me fifteen years to make one friend. What am I going to do if I kill you?"

"You've had friends before me," Jude said. "You'd probably make one again."

"Probably," Connor agreed, "but no friends like you."

"None as dumb as me," Jude agreed.

"Don't underestimate yourself," Connor said. "What beginner reader could get through _To Kill A Mockingbird_?"

Jude pulled a face as Connor piled things for French toast on the table.

"Well, I'm not through it yet."

"You will be," Connor said. "By the time we get near the end, you won't need me to help you with the rest."

"I'll still read it to you. It wouldn't feel right to not to."

Connor managed a weak smile, wondering how long it would take Jude to get to the end, wondering how long it would be before Jude realized he probably wouldn't get to hear it. He kept his thoughts to himself. It wasn't time yet.

"I've never made French Toast," Jude confessed. "I'm not sure what I'm doing with the ingredients."

"Oh, let me look it up," Connor said, reaching for his phone.

He propped his phone up on the counter so that he and Jude could both see the screen and then they started working away. After two days, they had figured out. They could work in tandem and work as a team and Connor really liked it. He wasn't sure he had ever been so in sync with anyone before. Not his mother, not his father, not any of his friends from his former life. Jellybean, maybe, but he wasn't sure that she counted this time. At any rate, Jude was the only human that he had ever felt this way with and it paid off, in Connor's opinion, since the French toast was the best he'd ever had. No exaggeration, even though Jude accused him of doing exactly that.

Between cooking and eating, it was time for Jude to go before Connor was ready for it to be.

"See you on Tuesday?" Jude asked, his bag on his shoulder and his shoes on his feet.

Connor nodded. "If I survive Michael and Mary."

"I'll come early, help you fight them off."

"Knock on wood we won't get there," Connor said, rapping his knuckles on the doorframe. "Thanks for staying with me this weekend. I don't know what I'd do without you here."

"Sleep more comfortably, probably."

"Maybe. Jellybean wants her spot back but I really didn't mind at all."

Jude nodded and Connor wondered what he was thinking. He could imagine Jude brushing him off if he asked and so Connor held his tongue. He didn't think Jude was a liar but he knew that there were things Jude would never tell him and he was almost glad for it; they were the same that way.

"I should go," Jude said.

"Get home safe."

"It's the middle of the day."

"Bad things happen all the time."

Connor could tell from the look on Jude's face that he had managed to surprise him.

"What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you?" Jude asked.

"Would you answer that question?"

Jude paused and then shook his head. "You know, I liked being here with you this weekend."

"I liked you here too. Maybe Dad will go away again and you can come hang out. Or you can hang out with him here. He really won't mind."

"No? Grubby kid with blue hair?"

"No," Connor assured him. Dad would probably just be glad that he had a friend and if Dad did get sour about anything, Connor would remind him of that fact. "No, he wouldn't."

"Well, maybe. I'll have to get up my courage first."

"I thought you were dangerous."

"I'm more of a danger magnet," Jude snorted. "Okay, I've really got to go. I don't want to meet your dad today."

"Okay," Connor agreed, feeling like he should hug Jude or something. He was sure Jude wouldn't accept it. He was sure that it would be _too gay_ for Jude. The words bit at him and he tried to push that out of his mind too. He couldn't let himself dwell on it, otherwise he knew he'd feel different about Jude. He and Jude had gone through different things – Jude had valid reasons for saying what he did, or, at least, as far as he had explained that he did. Connor had to accept it. He really didn't think that Jude was malicious. He didn't think Jude hated any part of him. "See you Tuesday."

"See you Tuesday."

Jude slipped out the door and Connor was alone. He turned and pick up Jellybean, going to the side living room window to watch Jude head down the street, staring after him until he was long out of sight. With a sigh, he scratched the top of her head and thought about how he had to move. He should do dishes but he was tired. He didn't want to have to stretch to the cupboards to put the plates away. He –

He had forgotten his meds. He had done exactly what his father was afraid of. He was hours behind and he wondered why the pain hadn't set in yet. It might be good news, it might be bad news, it might be nothing but luck. Connor carefully put Jellybean on the couch and then he ran as quickly as he could, his fingers shaking as he reached for the bottles on the shelf. Dad would be home soon and he would have to confess he had forgotten, if he wasn't curled up on the floor in so much pain that his father immediately knew. It wasn't easy to take his medication with the lump in his throat but he forced himself through it, and then he went and sat on the couch. He didn't think he had ever been late with them before and he didn't know what would happen.

He threaded his fingers through Jellybean's fur. It would be fine. It would be fine. It would be fine.

(-.-)

Jude crept up the attic stairs. He hadn't heard anything when he'd snuck through the main floor. He was going to be fine; he was going to get away with it. Callie wouldn't be home for a while, he'd have time to adjust to all of the thought in his head, she would never expect a thing. It was best case scenario. Jude adjusted his bag over his shoulder and pushed his door open.

"Where have you been?"

Callie was home. Jude didn't even have a lie prepared.

"Why are you here?"

Callie crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him. "It's early for you to be up and out somewhere."

"Maybe I just didn't feel comfortable without you here."

Callie didn't appreciate the words. "You hide up here when I'm gone, Jude. You don't even go to the Centre. _Also_ , I got home last night. Do you know how worried I was? I thought they had killed you or something."

"Couldn't have been too worried or we still wouldn't be living here," Jude muttered.

"I belong to him for our protection," Callie said and the words fell too heavy against Jude.

"I know."

"So, where were you?"

"I was with a friend."

"The boy?"

"If you don't ask, I won't tell, but you have nothing to worry about, I promise. It's not what you're thinking."

"What if it is?"

"Trust me," Jude said. "Please, just trust me, for once."

"I don't think you should have this particular friend."

Jude's heart hurt. He wanted to always have this particular friend. "No, you can't tell me that."

"Jude! That wasn't a question."

"Are you ordering me around?" Jude demanded and before he knew it, he and Callie were in each other's face.

"I'm protecting you!" Callie cried, jabbing Jude in the chest. "And you're just too naïve to figure out what from!"

"They beat _me!_ I know what's going on! But you can't tell me what to do or not to do! I can make my own decisions!"

"They're going to kill you!"

"Maybe you should have thought about that before you brought me here and put me in danger!"

Callie punched him in the face; his cheekbone ached. Jude brought one hand up to his skin and stared at her. She had been violent before but was never quite so violent.

"Do you like it or something?" Callie asked, her face dead, none of her usual guilt after she hit him. "Is that what you want? Do you want them to do it again?"

"Callie –"

She grabbed his arm and Jude didn't even think to stop her because he was supposed to trust her. She was supposed to be his protector and his everything. And then she hit him again in nearly the exact same spot. His lip quivered and he straightened up. He was going to grow a spine.

"Callie, _enough_."

Her jaw was set and he realized that she didn't care anymore and that almost broke his heart.

"You're turning into the people you wanted to save me from!" Jude shouted.

She shoved him back into the wall. "Don't you dare!"

"Don't you dare! Leave me alone!"

Jude escaped into their bedroom and forced the door shut, sitting back against her. He didn't think that she would. In fact, he hoped she wouldn't. He hoped that she was sitting on the other side of the door, filled with guilt and remorse. He wanted her to feel bad and he wanted her to feel sorry because he didn't know what to think if she didn't feel that way. He couldn't picture Callie honestly not caring because Callie loved him. Callie was always supposed to be the one who loved him. It was the code he had lived his life by and, sometimes, it was the only thing left that he could truly trust in. Everything would be fine because Callie loved him and wanted to protect him and would protect him. That was what was true.

Jude had never considered a future where he might not think that it was true or it might not actually _be_ true. He and Callie were always supposed to have each other. But if she kept hitting him, if things kept breaking down, then what did he do? Where did he go? Without Callie, who would he be? How could he be? He wrapped his arms around himself. Would he ever really be without Callie? Would she turn him away, could she? Didn't she love him? He loved her. Did she know that?

Jude tilted his head back until it thudded against the door and he reached his fingers up to touch his skin. His cheek felt hot and stretched under the bottom of his eye. It was going to bruise. He knew what bruises felt like. And, for the first time, he wondered what someone else was going to think of it. He couldn't hide from Connor and he couldn't hide _it_ from Connor. He could hide in the house, as he always had done with injuries, but he didn't want to spend that much time with Callie, if he were being honest, and he didn't feel like he could give up being around Connor. He had a point to his sister, now. He and Connor were friends and Jude was going to keep it that way. Even with no badgering or bullying from Callie, Jude had been intending on keeping it that way. She had nothing to worry about. He was the one who should be concerned and he was the one who was dealing with those concerns.

"Jude," Callie called. "Can I come in?"

 _No_ , Jude thought but he just stayed still, listening intently. Callie remained on the other side of the door for a few long minutes and then she sighed.

"Later, then. We'll talk later, then."

She left him alone and Jude pulled his legs up to his chest.

Alone was the last thing he wanted to be.

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	9. Five Of Spades

Connor stared down at his cell phone, pulling a face at the alarm. It was a decent thing but it was probably also a thing for senior citizens. An app, to keep track of his medications. He had to tick off each one when he took it, just so the app would know. It was an exhausting process and he hated it but his father had taken to checking the app every time they were in the room together. It was what he deserved for forgetting his meds and ending up in so much pain that he threw up and his father had to call his doctor.

Adam had not been impressed. Connor, honestly, thought it was karma for lying to Jude, but now he had an app and there was no need for trying to fix his habits. He swiped the reminder away and opened the list of medications. He poured his pills out into their little pile next to his glass of water and took them, telling his app that he did so. It rewarded him with a smiling sun and Connor just rolled his eyes and shut off the app. Nearly the moment after he did, a text came in.

 **Dad: did you take your medicine?**

 **Connor: yes**

 **Dad: send me a screenshot.**

Connor rolled his eyes but knew better than to tell his father it was unnecessary. They had fought about the app all day yesterday but, even as they were fighting, Connor had known that Adam would win. He did as Adam asked.

 **Dad: Good. Go to school. Do you want to skip tutoring today? Ms. Adams will understand.**

 **Connor: No. I'm not sick or anything. I'll skip when I have a good reason.**

He had more reasons to want to go to tutoring than he did to want to avoid it. He put his phone in his pocket, grabbed his bag, and headed out the door. He knew there was only a few minutes until the bus arrived and – just so that he wasn't teased about while he was on the bus – he coated his fingers in hand sanitizer. Anything to help.

Connor got onto the bus and sat in the middle. He was far enough away from the elementary kids who wouldn't cover their mouths when they sneezed but also far enough away from the kids his own age. They wouldn't talk to him or bully him but the fact that they didn't acknowledge him was definitely worse. He readjusted his bag over his shoulder and hopped on the bus, thinking that nothing but getting to see his friend was going to make his day okay. He hoped he was proven wrong but he never was. He never saw Ms. Adams today, Daria was back to ignoring him because of his refusal to have a Halloween party, and not even _To Kill A Mockingbird_ in English could make him happy. They were starting to talk about what they were writing for their essays, which made Connor nervous because he didn't know what to write, and sometimes, honestly, he was a little frustrated about the way that his viewed his favourite book. He knew it was snobby of him and it made him want to question Jude on his thoughts. Almost made him want to question Jude. With the way that he was feeling, he didn't want Jude to let him down by not getting it and, Connor could recognize, there was a good chance that Jude wasn't. He was just reading to get the words. If Connor thought he had the time, he'd made Jude read it again for the content.

He was glad to even just get to the tutoring. Knowing how close Jude was made his spirits feel lighter. Not even Mary taunting him over how he couldn't be smart because his hair was so stupid could bring Connor's spirits down. He kept watching the door and the clock, hoping Jude did arrive a little early and sit in the corner but, by the time that Connor dismissed his pupils, he didn't see Jude. He looked down at his phone, wishing that Jude had one, and he wished that he had any way to get to Jude and talk to him. Connor knew that Jude wasn't inside and so he went outside, looking up and down the street. He spotted Jude, leaning against the end of the building. He had his hood up, with his hands in his pockets. The only reason that Connor knew for sure that it was Jude was because he had long enough hair that the blue strands were sticking out from underneath the hood.

"Jude?" Connor called as he approached, just to double check.

The boy's head turned toward him.

"Hey," Jude murmured.

"What's with the hood? Are you cold?"

"No, um, can we go sit somewhere else today, away from people? They're going to stare and I'm a little paranoid."

Connor caught Jude's arm as he turned to walk down the street. "Are you okay, first?"

"Yeah, sort of. I'll tell you when we're sitting down, promise."

"Okay," Connor agreed but he reluctantly let go of Jude "Do you still want to get our hot chocolate?"

Connor didn't really want to walk. He was tired. But when Jude nodded, he jammed his hands in his jeans pockets and kept pace with Jude's stride. The coffee shop wasn't far away but, the problem was that they weren't sitting there today. Connor collected their usual snacks and headed back outside, giving Jude his cup.

"Where do you want to go?"

"Um, come on," Jude said, "I think I know the place."

"Is it far?" Connor asked, trying not to sound like he was whining. "I'm just tired."

"Not too far. Like, two blocks."

Two blocks. Okay. He could walk two blocks. He kept a tight hold of his hot chocolate and the bag that had that cinnamon bun in it and just watched Jude's steps. They were both quiet as they walked, both thinking that they wouldn't speak until that they wouldn't get to where they were going. Connor only looked up as Jude turned, cutting behind a restaurant. To Connor's surprise, they were in, what he could only call, a small park. There were plenty of trees, tended flower boxes, and some benches scattered around. There weren't any people in the park but it was so hidden and out of the way that Connor would be surprised if many people knew about it. Jude led him over to one of the out of the way benches and sat down.

"So, what's with the hood?" Connor asked.

Jude reached up and drew it down.

"Jude!" Connor exclaimed.

He put his hot chocolate on the bench and reached out for Jude before he could think about it.

"What happened to you?"

"Um, turns out my guardian came home earlier. She didn't like that I was hanging out with you. She thinks we're … we're more than friends. She thinks I'm going to get hurt again or killed because of it."

"And, so what, she decided to hurt you to convince you not to get hurt? That doesn't make any sense. Does it hurt?"

"Kind of," Jude admitted. "It's stiff. Pulls when I talk but it'll heal."

"It looks like it hurts."

Jude shrugged and took a sip of his hot chocolate.

"People seem to hit you a lot," Connor said and surprise came over Jude's face before a cloud settled over it. Connor wondered if it was the right thing to say.

"It's … fine. Life could be worse. Was worse. It's …" Jude sighed and looked away from Connor's face. "I mean, we don't have to talk about it, right?"

"No, we don't have to," Connor said. "But if you want to, I know how to listen."

"Not today," Jude said. "Maybe someday but not today."

"That's okay." Connor couldn't keep his eyes off Jude's bruised face. "I'm sorry you got hurt because you came to see me."

"It's not your fault," Jude said. "I make my own decisions. I knew it might happen."

Connor couldn't even picture a world where he knew that he might end up getting hit for seeing friends. He wrapped his hands around his hot chocolate. The more he learnt about Jude, the more he understood the boy but the less he understood the world that Jude lived in and also how Jude could be okay in the world he lived in. He guessed he couldn't understand it until he lived it but he didn't think he'd ever want to. He felt a little guilty for thinking it but it wasn't like his life was a picnic either.

"And you still wanted to see me today?"

"You're my friend," Jude said. "I pick you. Also, I can't let her win this or I'll never have any freedom. It's not about who you are, specifically, it's about the fact that someone like you exists in my life at all."

Connor nodded though understanding that was out of his grasp too.

"Should you be putting ice on it?"

"It'll heal," Jude repeated. "Really, we don't have to talk about it."

"We're friends, I get to worry," Connor said and Jude nodded.

"I guess so." Jude had a small grin on his face. "I'll get used to the friend thing."

"Me too," Connor whispered. "How's your hot chocolate?"

"It's always good. Thanks for always getting it."

"Welcome," Connor said. "I don't mind."

Jude stared down at the bench seat for a long moment. "I'll get you something good at Christmas. You know, make up for it."

"You don't have to," Connor protested, feeling bad. Jude couldn't even buy his own hot chocolate, how was he going to get Connor a Christmas present? Connor couldn't expect it.

"You get me hot chocolate and birthday presents. I know you're going to get me a Christmas present too. Don't worry, Connor."

"All right but only because you told me not to."

Jude laughed. "Besides, I've got time to think about it. Unless your birthday is between now and Christmas."

"No, that's _your_ birthday."

Jude let out another little laugh. "Yeah, well, I know when _my_ birthday is."

"And now I do too. And, I promise, cupcakes for your birthday."

"It's not a Tuesday or a Thursday."

"I just spent a weekend with you. It's not going to kill me to see you more than twice a week," Connor said. "I'd kind of like it."

"Me too."

"So, the closest store for the cupcake place you want to go to is near my school," Connor said. "Do you want to meet me there? Or I can come here and meet you and we can go back together?"

"Well, that doesn't really make sense, does it?" Jude mused. "I'll be outside your school. What time does it let out?"

"Like, three," Connor said.

"I'll be there. Anchor Beach, right?"

"Right," Connor said.

"Schools make me nervous," Jude confessed.

"I won't make you go inside," Connor promised.

"Thanks. You'll remember these plans when we actually get to my birthday, right?"

"I wouldn't forget you," Connor exclaimed. "Trust me a little!"

"I do," Jude promised. "Why? Do you think I don't?"

Connor shook his head. "I never thought about it. I guess I just assumed you trusted me the same amount that I trust you."

"That's fair to say, I think," Jude mused, "but I can't possibly know how much you trust me."

"I think that's the definition of trust."

"Yeah, well, the definition of friendship is handing over the cinnamon bun," Jude quipped.

"And reading me the next chapter of _Mockingbird_ ," Connor said, holding out the bag.

Jude grabbed it out of his hand. "After the cinnamon bun."

"All right but only because you said so."

Jude ripped off a piece of the cinnamon bun and popped it in his mouth. "You're going to make me bossy."

"You weren't already bossy?"

"Shut up."

"Sure, but just because you say so."

"Shut up," Jude repeated but Connor just laughed at him.

(-.-)

He and Callie weren't talking. Jude sighed and stirred his half-warm soup around his bowl. He wasn't motivated to heat it further, if only because he had to walk by Callie to get to the stove and she looked like she was in a mood. He hadn't even gotten a chance to ask her why the trip was cancelled – if she would have even told him to begin with. He scooped up one of the mushy potato chunks with his spoon and he watched Callie stir her spoon around the bowl. He hated the silence but he didn't know how to break it. He didn't even know if he could. The only thing worse than the silence would be if he tried to speak to her and she didn't talk back. Jude didn't think that she had anything to be _that_ mad about but who was he to tell Callie anything? No one.

"I'm leaving for a couple of days," Callie said suddenly. "Maybe I should get someone to check and make sure you're here."

"They'd kill me, skin me, use me as a flag to welcome you back with."

"Don't be gruesome."

"They would kill me. If you gave them permission to be in here and I was alone. I was _safe_ out of here, Callie."

"Do you not want to be here anymore?"

"I want to be with you but this place really sucks."

"Yeah," Callie said and her spoon clinked against the side of the bowl. "We can't leave."

"I know."

"I wish we could."

"I know."

"I think about running the way all the time but it's not worth the risk of what will happen if we're hunted down and found."

"So, when does it end?" Jude asked.

"I don't know," she whispered. "This isn't what I thought would happen."

Jude didn't ask anything else. He didn't want to hear what she thought was going to happen when they hooked up with Nic. They'd been young, she'd probably been idyllic. He couldn't blame her, he supposed, but he guessed that was exactly what he was doing. It was also so easy to. She was the reason they were here and also the reason they were stuck. Arguably, she was also the reason they were both alive but since that one couldn't be proven, it always depended on Jude's mood whether or not he was going to believe it.

Callie put her bowl on the counter and left the room, heading for the bedroom. It was still early but, for all Jude knew, the old-fashioned alarm clock she kept on her side was set to go off at three in the morning. She shut the door most of the way and Jude curled up in his chair, taking a bite of his cooling soup. He tilted his head back, pulling his strands of hair down in front of his face. Would it bother Callie if he did his hair now? Probably. But he felt like no matter what he did now, he would be bothering he and he hated that feeling. Jude pulled his feet underneath of him and watch soup drip from his spoon down into the bowl.

He hoped Connor was having a better Friday night than he was.

(-.-)

This was what dying felt like.

Connor thought it every time and it was worse every time that he did. He hung his head over the toilet, feeling dizzy and hot. Everything inside of him hurt. He was probably going to throw up his kidneys or something. He rested his head against the side of the toilet seat and just tried not to cry. It was hard to squash it down. No matter how many times he went through this, it never failed to knock him breathless.

"Connor," Adam called, knocking on the bathroom door. "I'm coming in."

The door creaked when it opened and Connor cringed when he felt Adam's hands gently touch his back. He hurt too much for that. He hurt too much for even the cool porcelain of the toilet seat against his side. He wanted to feel nothing but he knew that, no matter how many pain meds he was given, it couldn't take it all away.

"Let me take you to bed, okay? Let's go lay down."

"Okay," Connor whispered. He was going to bruise from the tile floor. He knew it. He didn't want to know it.

His father scooped him up easily and he couldn't help but whimper.

"You lost weight again, Connor."

"Threw it all up."

It was a weak joke and it would never have made anyone laugh. His father put him gently in bed, a bucket and a glass of water on his nightstand. Connor let Adam tuck him in like he was small again, adjusting his head on the pillow and pulling all the blankets up around him. Connor's eyes kept drifting. He would have loved to fall asleep but he was being forcibly kept in the present.

"Everything okay?" Adam pressed a hand to Connor's forehead, as if he could do something. "No more meds for a while, okay? I'll bring them up when you need them."

"Dad," Connor murmured. "Dad, where's –"

He grabbed for the bucket and threw up again. His stomach clenched painfully – there was nothing left in it _to_ throw up.

"Oh, Connor," Adam said. "Here, I'll clean it and then I'll go find Jellybean for you, okay?"

"Thanks."

Connor gripped his pillow tightly, trying to ignore the urge to throw up again. He couldn't throw up until Dad gave him the bucket back because he didn't want to move again if Dad had to make his bed. Tears leaked hot and heavy down his cheeks and he was glad that Adam didn't seem to want to look at them. Adam put the bucket down and left the room again a moment later. He heard Dad calling for Jelly and he was so glad when Adam came back with the old cat in his arms. He put her down on the bed next to Connor and she pressed into his side and he lifted his hand, resting it against her back. She flopped onto her side and cuddled close to him.

"I'll be in the next room. Knock on the wall if you need me."

"Okay."

Once Adam was gone, Connor hid his face down in Jellybean's fur and let himself cry.

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	10. Jack Of Clubs

Connor wasn't here today. Michael and Mary hadn't even gone to tutoring. Jude had shown up early – he had gone shopping to get his hair dye before heading to the Centre. When he had dropped into his usual bean bag chair, he noticed that Connor wasn't in his usual spot. Jude had stared around, trying to covertly see where he could be sitting instead. Except there was no Connor and now Jude didn't know what to do. It was Tuesday and Connor was supposed to be here.

He slid his cards into his pocket and picked up the small bag he carried around now, due to Connor's book, and straightened up. He doubted Connor was avoiding him after the weekend. Connor seemed like the type of person that would show up to tutoring, even if he didn't want to see Jude, and Jude couldn't really think of a reason that Connor would want to avoid him. They were fine when he left and there was no reason it shouldn't be fine now. Jude held his breath and then walked out the door, catching the bus. He got off at Connor's stop and stuck his hands in his pockets as he walked up to the front door. He made sure that there was no car in the driveway – he didn't want to meet Connor's father today – and then he went up to the door and knocked.

He waited and then he heard a voice from inside.

"I swear, if that's you at the door – I am not a child! I –" The door swung open and Jude was face to face with Connor. "It's a friend from school. Yes. Dad! … I …" Connor held his finger up to his mouth and then tilted the phone down. "What time did your mom say you could stay over until?"

"Oh. Um, I should … leave around eight."

"Eight. He'll hang out with me until eight and so you can stay at work and I … I am not about to croak! I …" Connor rolled his eyes and then gestured Jude inside.

Jude watched him walk down the hallway and then he stepped inside. Jude put his shoes into the pile by the front door and then followed Connor's voice into the living room. His friend was sitting on the couch in a nest of blankets, a mess of dishes on the coffee table in front of him. Connor was still on the phone.

"Dad, I am fine and I know you have to work. I know. I'm fine! I … _Dad_ , I am hanging up now. Text me but you don't need to call me every hour … Yeah, okay, and if I spontaneously combust, I'm sure Jude's smart enough to dial 911 … Bye, Dad."

Connor hung up the phone and threw it onto the coffee table where it dinged against a glass.

"I'm not contagious anymore," he said, "but Dad wanted me to take an extra day off. I think he'd feel bad too if I threw up on Ms. Adams."

"You have the flu?"

"Guess so," Connor said. "I really am feeling fine. You don't have to worry."

"I just wondered why you didn't show up," Jude said. "You know, if something happened to you, I wouldn't find out."

"If I ended up in the hospital or something, I'd get Ms. Adams to send you a note with Mariana. It's a good thing you stand out from a crowd," Connor joked, and he fluffed Jude's hair.

"Yeah, I need to fix it. My roots are coming in."

"You look fine."

"Thanks, you liar." Jude took a seat on the couch, shoving a blanket out of the way and onto Connor's legs. "So, I'm staying until eight?"

"Only if you want to. Dad worries when I'm left alone which is kind of funny considering how much he leaves me alone."

"It's not like I have anything to do."

"Kicked out of your house again?" Connor guessed.

"No, but my guardian's still mad at me and so I just don't feel comfortable. As comfortable, I guess. I don't know if I'd ever call it a comfy home or anything." Jude closed his mouth, feeling like he had said too much, but Connor just nodded.

"I've been living off toast but if you're hungry there's food in the kitchen."

"No, not right now. You might want to eat more than toast for dinner."

"Well, you'll be here. You can make me," Connor said.

"Are you really feeling okay?"

"Do I not look okay?"

He really didn't look any different than he normally did. Bright eyes, pale skin, slightly shaking hands. It was just Connor.

"Was it a bad flu?" Jude asked.

"Yeah. I didn't have a great weekend," Connor said quickly. "What about you?"

"Quiet, long. I sat at the beach and tried to read a chapter by myself on Saturday," Jude confessed.

"And?"

"It's hard to read inside your head, you know? It's what people always do but it's _hard_. I felt like too much of a weirdo to sit there and read out loud, though. I kind of made it through. I'm sure you'll have a bunch of stuff to correct me on."

"You're doing great with the reading."

"You're just saying that." Jude reached into his bag and dug out the book, the dictionary, and the sticky notes, wedging them between two plates. "I'm going to get something to drink and then I'll read to you, okay?"

"You don't have to. You just got here."

"I know you like it," Jude said, "and I want you to feel better."

"Thanks."

"You want anything?" Jude said.

"Orange juice," Connor said, grabbing one of the empty glasses. "Thanks. I'm glad you came to check on me."

"I guess that's what happen when you only have one friend," Jude said.

"I'm going to pretend you'd do the same thing if you had a million friends," Connor said. "I'm going to pretend it's because I'm me.'

Jude didn't reply; he just ducked into the kitchen. It was because Connor was right. Even if he had a million friends, it was Connor that he would rather be right next to. Even if Jude came down with the flu, he would rather have spent this afternoon with Connor. It was a little scary to consider, the feelings that fluttered in his stomach too strong and too foreign, but Jude did like how Connor made him feel. He wished he didn't have to hide it but he almost couldn't imagine living in a world where he didn't have to, where he could tell Connor that he liked him and maybe they'd actually kiss and maybe Jude might have more than a friend.

Jude thought he could more easily picture a world where dragons existed than a world where he could have Connor as a boyfriend.

With juice in their glasses, Jude carried it back into the living room. He put them down and sat on the couch. Connor had draped himself in blankets, one across his lap and once across his shoulders. Jude grabbed the dictionary, sticky notes, and a pen, putting them in Connor's hands.

"Also, there's one word right away that I don't know," Jude said.

"Auspicious," Connor guessed before Jude had even opened the book.

"Do you even need me?" Jude asked.

Connor grinned in a lopsided way that made Jude's heart skip a beat. "Yes."

Well, that made Jude's heart stop completely.

Connor was already rifling through the dictionary. "It means _promising success, propitious, opportune, favourable_."

"Just write down the first one," Jude said. "I definitely don't know what the second one means."

"Okay, okay," Connor agreed, already scribbling. "We could just look it up in the dictionary."

"No way. You'd chase that thing in circles."

"Don't you think the word choice is interesting?"

Jude just rolled his eyes. "I think you think about this book too much."

"I have an essay to write," Connor said, pulling the blanket up even further toward his cheeks. "About the book."

"Can't you do that in your sleep?"

"I don't know what to say." Connor adjusted himself on the couch and Jude lowered his shoulder so Connor could rest against him, just like he knew Connor would. "I read a lot about this book. Other people's essays and analysis online."

"You're obsessed."

"Probably," Connor agreed. "But it's one of the only things that makes me ask questions like that. Things like word choice and about people and I think that's what teachers always want you to do."

"But it all started with your mom."

"Yeah but I do actually like the book."

"I think I like it too," Jude said. "But I'm not saying anything until I finish it."

"I have to wait until then?"

Jude really hadn't expected Connor to sound so annoyed about it.

"I'm still at the beginning! I have to read more, at least."

"Do you like it so far?"

"Yes. I think Scout asks a lot of questions."

"It's what kids do, right?"

"I guess. It means she's a good writer, then," Jude mused. He ran his hand down the short page. "I've got so far to go."

"Yeah but you've already come so far."

"Thanks."

Connor snuggled closer and then his head lifted. "Hey, sorry, um, you probably don't want the … the … flu."

"You said you're not contagious anymore," Jude said. "I trust you."

And he didn't want Connor to sit up.

"All right. I'll try not to breathe on you too much," Connor promised.

Jude didn't care but there was no weird way to say 'you can breathe on me, it's fine, even though your breath kind of smells like souring orange juice, I still kind of like it'. So, he just started to read. The first paragraph was a nightmare in terms of things that he didn't know and couldn't pronounce. Connor just patiently looked things up for him and helped him clutter the pocket novel with sticky notes until they would have to be moved around to read the lines underneath. Connor snuggled into his blankets and pulled his body closer to Jude's.

"Are you cold?"

"I just want to feel comfortable," Connor said, "and I like being warm."

"Cold isn't bad. It's blue. I like blue."

"Yeah, clearly. Why did you pick blue, anyway?"

"What else would I pick? It's my favourite colour, which is the simple answer, I guess."

Connor's blankets spilled across Jude's lap. "What's the complicated answer?"

"It's poetic," Jude said. "You know what blue symbolizes."

"The thing about symbols, is that they can mean basically anything. Look." Connor grabbed his phone and looked up _what does blue symbolize_. "See: sea, sky, depth, stability, trust, loyalty, wisdom, confidence, intelligence, faith, truth, heaven. And that's just from the Google blurb! And not about anything specific."

"Okay, okay," Jude said. "I get your point."

"Are you trying to tell me you're stable?"

"Hardly," Jude scoffed.

"I'd call you trustworthy. A little hard on the _trusting_ maybe."

"I trust you."

"I know."

"And I'm really not confident or smart or whatever else you said."

"I'd say you'd have to be pretty confident to wear blue hair," Connor said. "And I think you're really smart. Don't underestimate yourself."

"Maybe," Jude said. He reached down and grabbed one of Connor's blankets, pulling it completely over his lap. "Anyway, you're not the only one who gets to be comfortable."

Connor laughed and, before Jude could react, Connor reached out with both arms, encircling him in a hug and engulfing him in the mass of comforters he was draped in. Jude almost pulled away. His body ached from an ancient beating as he thought about what might happen if this moment happened anywhere else and then his stomach fluttered with butterflies that weren't nerves and he let Connor hug him. He yanked the blanket up around him.

"It feels like the desert under here!"

"I could live in the desert!"

"It's not even cold here."

Connor poked the spine of the book into Jude's thigh. "Whatever. Come on, finish the chapter."

"The chapter? It's, like, ten pages."

"You can finish ten pages. They're small pages."

"And small print!" Jude said, but he almost lost his voice. Connor's arm was still resting against his stomach. It was like he was still being held and that was all he could think about. How was he supposed to _read_ when that much of Connor was touching him? Connor's expectations of him were clearly too high.

"You can do it. You've got a couple of hours until Dad gets home."

Jude really didn't like the thought of meeting Connor's father. He couldn't imagine what he was like. Connor only really talked about his mother, unless it was to say how his father was overprotective and liked to yell. Jude had glanced at the few family photographs that were around the house. Connor's father looked like a normal man. There was nothing else he could say until he had actually come face to face with him and he wanted to avoid doing that for as long as possible. He really didn't think that Connor's father would like him. He had no experience playing nice with parents but with the way that strangers looked at him on the bus, he could only imagine how judgemental someone would be if he was actually friends with their kid.

Connor prodded him again and Jude finally settled down to try and read. It was slow going, as it usually was, but it was made worse by the fact that every time Connor moved, Jude fumbled over his words. He wished he still thought Connor was straight because, now, he kept wondering if Connor could possibly know about Jude's crush and he kept wondering if there was more behind Connor's actions. At least when Jude thought Connor was straight, he would think that something like this was totally innocent. Now, he was overwhelmed by the fact that it might not be. It probably was. Connor probably didn't have a crush on him. There was no reason for him to. Jude didn't even really get why Connor wanted to be his friend but he wouldn't ever bring himself to really question it, either, just in case it made Connor change his mind.

He dedicated himself to reading for a solid hour but, by the end of it, his head was swimming and he couldn't look at the page. It was Connor who marked the page and shut the book for him.

"Have you eaten?" Jude asked. "Do you need crackers or something? Soup? That's what sick people eat, right?"

Connor laughed. "Yeah, I guess so. I haven't been feeling very hungry. I guess I probably should."

"I'm here. I can make you something. You should eat."

Connor was smiling at him. "You're my favourite mother hen, you know?"

"I'm not a mother hen. Come on. What do you want?"

"Toast, I think, that's what sick people eat, right?"

Jude rolled his eyes and hopped off the couch, turning and holding his hands out to Connor. Connor put his hands in Jude's and Jude helped him up, trying not to pull too hard. Connor looked fragile and felt even more so. Once he was on his feet, he waved for a moment and Jude kept his hand on Connor's for a moment too long, and then he yanked his hand away from Connor's, feeling his skin burn. He wanted to kiss a boy. He wanted to hold a boy's hand. He wanted to not be afraid of having a boyfriend and knowing what that meant. And, he wanted that boy to be Connor. His heart actually hurt from how bad he wanted it and Jude forced himself to walk into the kitchen.

"Just toast?" he asked over his shoulder. "Or plain scrambled eggs too? Eggs are good for you."

"If you want scrambled eggs, sure. I'm not picky. If you're going to make something else, I'm good with toast."

Jude pulled the eggs out of the fridge and put them on the counter. "We can do breakfast for supper. We know I can make it."

"Thanks for cooking. If you weren't here, I probably wouldn't have gotten off the couch."

"If I wasn't here, your dad probably would have come home earlier."

"Probably," Connor agreed, taking a comforter and spreading it on the floor before sitting down. "But he needs to work. He doesn't like it but he has to."

"Yeah, I think I know what you mean."

Jude cracked some eggs into a bowl, grabbing for a frying pan. It was quiet as he worked and he really didn't like it. He glanced over his shoulder at Connor, who was just sitting in his blankets, all wrapped up.

"Can you talk about something? I don't like the quiet."

"Sure. I still haven't figured out what I'm writing my essay on, which is annoying. We're supposed to start working on our first drafts in class next Monday and I am drawing a total blank and that's frustrating. But, I've also been avoiding thinking about it. I think it's going to be harder to write an essay on this book because I love it so much."

"It's an obsession."

"That too," Connor agreed. He wrapped his arms around his legs. "You were in my dream last night."

Jude nearly dropped the carton of eggs. "Um, what kind of dream?"

"One of those weird ones. There was a carnival but I was trapped in a bubble and couldn't go but you were trying to give me cotton candy anyway. Your hair was glowing blue in my dream too. And that's all I remember."

"I'm dying it again tonight, probably after I get home. Next time you see me, it'll look better," Jude promised, and he poured the eggs into the frying pan.

"How long does it take to dye?"

"Like, half an hour to put the dye in, an hour for it to sit, and then I shower it out. The whole thing takes about two hours."

"And the blue hair is worth the time?"

"Absolutely. It's something I like that I actually get to have."

"Want me to help?" Connor asked. "We have time before Dad gets home."

"Really?"

"Why not? I can repay you for dinner."

"Promise you won't throw up in my hair?"

"Pinkie promise."

"Okay, maybe." Jude dropped bread in the toaster. "Do you want to eat at the couch?"

"I've been living on that couch all weekend."

"Is that a no?"

Jude turned at the sound of a loud 'meow'. Jellybean had come strutting into the kitchen.

"Summoned by food," Connor said. "You can't eat any of this, Jelly."

Jude felt paws against his thigh as Jellybean stretched up on her back legs.

"It won't stop her from asking, though," Connor added.

Jude patted the top of her head but it was clearly not what she wanted from him and she dropped down on all four paws to go sit with Connor.

"Food's done," Jude said. "Do you want anything on your toast?"

"Just butter."

"Do you have peanut butter?"

"Cupboard right in front of – No! Not that one! To your left!"

Jude drew his hand back, almost afraid of Connor's outburst. He hesitantly wrapped his hand around the handle to the other cupboard door, opening it slowly to reveal a collection of condiments and cooking spices. He pulled the peanut butter out of the cupboard and spread it across his first piece of toast.

"I didn't mean to snap at you."

"It's fine." Jude glanced at the cupboard. If he were a worse person, he'd simply throw it open now or resolve to snoop the next time he had a chance.

He heard Connor get up but he didn't turn around. He just listened to Connor's footsteps get closer and closer until Connor was standing directly behind him.

"No, I really am sorry."

Connor's genuine tone made Jude around, looking to Connor's face. Connor was staring at Jude's still healing cheek.

"I really don't like the thought of you thinking I was mean to you."

"It's your house. You've got the right to tell me to stay out of stuff."

"I just don't want to be someone else that yells at you."

"You don't get bruises from yelling," Jude muttered darkly.

He went to turn back to the peanut butter but Connor's sweaty fingers wrapped around his wrist and held Jude gently in place. Jude stared as Connor's brow wrinkled, his friends searching for the words. He didn't know if he had ever seen Connor look so serious about something and it made Jude's stomach churn.

"How … I want to … Is there any way I can help with that, Jude? I hate the thought of you being hit and whoever your guardian is –"

Jude held his hand up before Connor could say anything about Callie. He knew that, above all else, would make him turn on his best friend and he absolutely didn't want to do that.

"The only thing you can do is to not try and fix it. It _can't_ be fixed, okay? If I ever … left, if I ever changed anything and someone noticed me, it would destroy my guardian and I love her, Connor. I won't hurt her like that."

Connor nodded but Jude could tell he didn't understand. Jude wanted him to understand, at least a little. He wanted Connor to understand enough.

"I tell you things because I can trust you and I can't trust anyone else. If you try and do the fix-it thing, then I won't be able to tell you anything. I don't need it to be fixed. I just need you to listen. No one ever hears me and I just need someone to hear me."

"I hear you," Connor said. "I promise. And that's all I'll do now is listen. I just thought I'd be a bad friend if I didn't ask once and if I didn't tell you that if you ever did need help, you can come to me."

"You _are_ a good friend," Jude said. "And, thanks."

Connor smiled at him and then let go of his wrist. "Thanks for cooking."

"It's not anything complicated," Jude said, but he was glad for the compliment.

He finished with his peanut butter and then they went back to the couch. Jellybean prowled around the entire time they were eating but Connor had nothing to drop to her and she looked disappointed every time that he reached down to pet her ears. Jude felt a little satisfied that she came over to him to beg for food too but all he did was scratch at her ears. They were done eating before Jude knew it and then he reached up to touch his hair.

He didn't have to have someone help him. Jude had done his own hair before but he always liked to have Callie do it. It kept his hair a lot more even. Callie was also good at it – Connor had probably never tried to dye hair before. Admittedly, it wasn't complicated and it wasn't like Callie was in the mood to help him. Connor was going to have to do a lot of touching him. That was a problem and not a problem, all at the same time.

"So," Connor said, "do you want help with your hair?"

Jude glanced at the clock. They had more than enough time. "Okay. Yeah, I would like help. Thank you."

"You're going to have to tell me what to do," Connor mused, and then his face lit up. "See, Jude, you are teaching me something."

Jude couldn't help but smile at that too. "I guess I am. Do you have a zip-up sweater I can borrow? If I do this in my t-shirt, I'll get dye and water everywhere."

"Makes sense, I have something you can wear."

"Thanks."

"Should we do the dying in the bathroom?"

"Probably," Jude agreed, "unless you think your dad will be less mad about you dying your bedroom."

Connor thought about it and then he shook his head. He and Jude left their dishes with the already large collection on the coffee table and headed upstairs. Connor moved incredibly slowly – Jude likened it to how someone in his seventies might climb stairs but that didn't make any sense at all. Maybe it was from the flu, Jude thought, but _he'd_ never had a flu that had done that to him and it wasn't the first time Jude had thought that, but it seemed to have gotten worse. He almost asked but then he thought that it might embarrass Connor and he kept his mouth shut. When they were in Connor's room, Connor quickly tossed him a sweater out of his closet.

Jude turned his back on Connor and stripped his shirt off, quickly climbing into the hoodie. Would it be worse to know that Connor was looking or worse to know that he hadn't bothered? Not that Jude thought that Connor really would look at him change. Connor seemed to be too good of a person for that. He just didn't think that Connor would find anything in his countable ribs and bony spine. There wasn't anything to look at, even if he wanted Connor to try. He bit his lip and told himself to cool it before he turned around.

"Do you have gloves?" Jude asked.

Connor shook his head. "How hard can dye be to get off, though?"

"I won't ruin the surprise for you," Jude mused and Connor laughed.

Jude fished the dye out of his bag and put it into Connor's hands. Connor turned them over.

"This doesn't seem so hard."

"You have to make sure you cover all my hair. It's, like, putting shampoo in or something. You need to cover it."

"I can do that."

Jude supposed they would find out. He sat on Connor's bathroom floor while Connor sat on top of the closed toilet. Jude looked him up and down.

"You might want to take off the long sleeves. They'll get messy."

Connor bit his lip and stared down at his arms and then he carefully pushed up his sleeves. Jude stared down at the exposed bit of skin, thinking that he had never seen Connor's forearms before – and apparently, there was a very good reason for it. Connor was bruised. Bruised and parts of his arms were rubbed red. Jude just stared for a long moment, trying to wrap his head around what he was seeing.

"What happened to you?"

"It's not what it looks like!" Connor blurted.

"Yeah? Because it looks like you're being hit a lot worse than me."

"No one has ever hit me!" Connor said. "Dad definitely never would!"

"How do you look like _that_ with no one hitting you?"

"I have a medical condition," Connor said.

Jude sat back on his heels. "Medical condition?"

Was it serious? Was it why Connor had said his father had spoken about sending him away? At the very least, it might explain why Connor moved like an old man and why Connor always had to work. But, _was it serious_?

"What kind of medical condition?"

"It's not a big deal. I can just get hurt pretty easy," Connor said. "You know, I get bumped on the bus and I bruise for a week or I trip over something and the swelling takes twice as long to go down."

Jude touched Connor's arm and then recoiled his hand. "How hard does someone have to touch you to do that to you?"

Had they ever been sitting side by side and Jude had nudged Connor with his elbow a little too hard? Had they ever been sitting at a table and Jude had kicked him? Had dropping a book on his lap been enough to do it?

"Not super hard. Sometimes leaning on hard floors can bruise my knees," Connor admitted.

Jude squinted. "So, this happens all over your entire body?"

"Yeah. It's fine, Jude. It's been like this for a long time. I live with it. Not a big deal."

"Why wouldn't you just tell me?"

"I don't really advertise it. And it doesn't stop me from doing this. And I didn't think you were ever going to punch me in the face or anything like that."

"I might've," Jude muttered.

"Yeah, when?"

"When I first saw you. You look … I mean, I thought you looked like a jerk."

" _Me_?"

Jude nodded, even though it was embarrassing to admit now. Connor was the total opposite of a jerk. He felt his cheeks flush. "You know, the kids from Anchor Beach are always so pretentious, looking down at us. I just thought … I mean, you dressed so preppy too."

To Jude's relief, Connor laughed. "I hope you don't think I'm a jerk now."

"No, not at all." Jude flipped Connor's arm over. "What's this red stuff?"

"Tripped on my way to the bus. Caught myself on a concrete stair. It's just a rash, Jude."

"How do I avoid hurting you?"

"You don't. Hurt me, that is," Connor hurriedly added, and Jude felt like he must have had some kind of expression on his face to spur that on. "Like I said, just don't punch me and we'll be fine."

"Promise?"

"I'm not going to break."

"Promise?" Jude repeated.

"Pinkie promise," Connor said, looping his finger around Jude's for just the briefest moment and sending Jude on the smallest spiral of what it would be like to hold his hand until he got himself under control. "Come on, let's see what this hair dye is all about."

Jude watched Connor crack the jar open and sniff it. "Don't dye your nose."

Connor shrugged. "I thought it would smell like chemicals. It almost smells like fruit."

"Yeah, some brands do smell like chemicals but I like this one. Plus, it sticks better. That's important."

Connor nodded. "Where should I start?"

"Usually I start with the front and work my way to the back. If I run short on dye, I'd rather it be the back of my head."

"Okay," Connor said, and Jude thought he looked nervous. "Here we go."

Jude closed his eyes as he felt the dye touch his hair. "Try not to get my face too much."

"I'll do my best."

Jude had no doubt he would. Still, he tried not to look, just tilting his head this way and that as Connor massaged his head.

"This looks _really_ blue on skin," Connor mused.

"Told you, gloves."

"Yeah, yeah," Connor said. "Next time, I guess, if I don't screw this one up."

"You can't really screw it up that bad."

"Let's see," Connor said. "Can you turn around? I think I'm ready to get the back of your head."

It didn't take long to get Jude's short hair covered in dye. When Connor was done, Jude promptly stood up and inspected his reflection, turning his head to side to side.

"I think it looks good," he said. "Thanks for helping."

"So, you just sit around for a while?"

"Yeah. I have to make sure that it sticks to my hair. Want to go start a movie or something?"

"Watch your hair," Connor warned.

"I know, I know. I'm used to it. You couldn't imagine how much trouble I'd be in at home if I got dye anywhere."

"I can imagine."

Connor rolled down his sleeves and Jude just stared. The thought of Connor's bruises made his stomach hurt, the same way that looking at the bruises on his own face made his stomach hurt. He didn't like it. He didn't think it was fair. He didn't have anything he could do about it. He couldn't fix Connor's medical condition any more than he could fix his home life. Still, the thought of both made him feel restless and unsettled.

"You might not, actually," Jude said.

Connor just nodded and fidgeted. "So, let's go."

Jude followed him back downstairs, sitting up straight on the couch. It made his back ache and he wished that he could flop like Connor was doing and bury himself in the blankets. Instead, he had to stay in place until his hour was up.

"How do you wash it out?"

"Shower or just hang my head under a tap," Jude answered. "Can I have a towel? Something that I can dye blue?"

"Yeah. Dad has a bunch of dark towels." Connor sat up and grabbed at his abdomen. Jude opened his mouth to ask but Connor shoved himself off the couch with a look of determination. "They're just in the hall closet, I'll show you. Though I'm assuming you can shower by yourself."

"Yeah, I've had that part figured out for a while, thanks," Jude said in a deadpan.

"Just checking."

Jude felt bad for making Connor head back up the stairs just to hand him a towel. Then, he sealed himself inside of the bathroom. Jude turned on the shower and pulled off Connor's hoodie. He just bent over the side and rinsed his hair slowly under the tap. There was less spray when he did it, which mean there would be less blue dye for him to chase down the drain. He couldn't eave Connor's house a mess. He wanted to move quickly, since he wanted to be downstairs with Connor, but he also knew he couldn't rush it. In the end, he just felt anxious as he moved his head under the water, making sure that it ran clear. Like he had done last weekend, he stole a little bit of condition and rubbed it through his hair, rinsing that out too. He turned off the water and grabbed for his towel, wrapping it around his head before he could drip it anywhere. He towel-dried his hair as best as he could before he looked at it in the mirror.

Connor had done a much better job than either of them were probably expecting him to. He fluffed up the damp strands, admiring how the blue looked in the light. He looked exactly how he wanted to and there was a sense of calm to that. He had control over something and he had controlled it well. Jude spent another minute admiring it and then he looped the towel over the top of the shower, grabbed Connor's sweater, and ducked into Connor's bedroom. He switched the sweater for his shirt and he wished that he had a good reason to keep it but it wasn't cold and he didn't want to seem desperate.

He thudded down the stairs.

"How's it look?" Connor called.

"Great! You did great!" Jude said, heading into the living room. He leant on the back of the couch and glanced at the clock. "Your dad is supposed to be here in fifteen."

"I know." Connor looked up at him. "I just don't want you to go."

"You'll be back on Thursday, right?" Jude said. "You know, for tutoring."

"Yeah. Back to school tomorrow and then back to tutoring on Thursday. I really could have gone back today but Dad went into overprotective mood again so here I am."

Jude nodded. Connor had said but the information sounded different when he thought about the bruising on Connor's arms. "So, he's overprotective because of the medical condition?"

"Yeah and because Mom died and because I'm his only kid. The medical condition isn't really bad enough for him to freak out over."

"What's it called, anyway?"

"It's just something to do with my blood, some kind of, um, deficiency. That's all there is to it. Doesn't bother me in any other way."

Jude rested his head on his elbow and stared at Connor. He wanted to believe that Connor wasn't downplaying what he had but Connor hadn't even told him that he was even the slightest bit sick in the first place. He bit down on his lip. He really didn't have anything to say.

"You sure you don't want to hang out a bit longer?" Connor pressed.

Jude wanted to say yes but it wasn't really an option for him. "I'll see you on Thursday. I'm going to try and get the next chapter down."

"Good luck," Connor said. "I want you to like it."

"I think I already do."

Connor smiled at him and Jude's stomach fluttered, even though he was sure that he should have been used to Connor smiling at him.

"You better be around on Thursday."

"If I wasn't, would you come check up on me again?"

"Of course."

"It's not fair. If you didn't show up one day, I really wouldn't know what happened to you."

"I would never not show up," Jude said. "I think my guardian would move me in there if she could." Well, maybe not. Callie might not actually let him out of her sight for that long.

"What if you get sick?"

"Won't," Jude promised. "I'll see you Thursday."

"Say goodbye to Jelly or she'll be offended."

Jude scratched the cat on the ears and headed to the front door. To Jude's surprise, Connor was once again off the couch and followed him to the front door.

"I know how to get out," Jude joked.

"I know." Connor just watched him as he pulled his shoes on and grabbed his bag. "I guess I really don't want you to go."

"Why?"

"I like you being here. Even when Dad's around, it's lonely. I just like being around you. What's so bad about that?"

Jude couldn't find any fault with it except for the fact that it was how he felt about Connor. It made his spirit lift because Connor felt the same way and it tore him down because it still didn't matter. Connor could say everything that Jude wanted to hear and feel everything that Jude wanted him to feel and it wouldn't make a difference. He wondered if Connor had been sent to him to help him or hurt him.

"I get it. I'll see you on Thursday. I'd stay if I could but …"

"But my dad scares you."

"I'm not scared. I'm just … super freaked out by the thought of meeting him which is why I'm going to leave now before he gets home and your dad has me trapped here for a round of questioning."

"All right but we'll talk about it on Thursday."

"Okay."

Jude hated to turn his back on Connor and leaving, skulking across his friend's front lawn. He was glad he left when he did because the moment he was off Connor's property, a car pulled into the driveway. Jude pulled his hood of his tight sweater up over his head and made it to the bus stop. He hopped on the bus and he just felt so tired when he thought of the attic apartment. The exhaustion wasn't a new feeling. He generally felt repulsed and annoyed, if not flat out scared, when he thought about going back to the apartment, but never before had he just felt the feeling of not wanting to be there. It was supposed to be home. Callie was supposed to be home.

The lights of the lower house were all on when Jude crept around the back. He peeked his head up and looked through the window on the back door, seeing no one. He knew better than to move slowly. He popped the back door open and shut it as quietly as possible and took off up the attic stairs. He threw that door open and then shut it, locking it tightly behind him. It was only ever locked when he was in the apartment.

"Jude? Where have you been?"

"What do you mean?"

"I went to the Centre today."

Jude stopped in the middle of the living room as Callie leant out of the bathroom.

"Why? Why would you go to the Centre?" Jude asked.

"I just wanted to see if you were there or if I could see what your friend looked like but I didn't see you and so I'm guessing I didn't see your friend either. I thought you might be with your tutor."

"You really can't expect me to stay at that place all day every day. You have to know that I do other things."

"I want to know where you are."

"At all times? Unless you're going to _chip_ me, that's impossible, and it's not like you knowing where I am is going to keep me safe! I'm safer literally anywhere else than in here! And you know it, which is why you keep sending me to the Centre!"

Jude wanted to pound his head against the wall. The same argument for years, since they had moved in here.

"Do you want to go somewhere else?"

Callie didn't sound angry and that was what made Jude's blood run cold. Callie tried to be unemotional but she never achieved it.

"Do you want to go back into the foster system? Do you want to be the reason I go to prison? Is that the price you want to pay? Because I would go to prison for protecting you, remember?"

Jude swallowed hard. It was hard to forget. He'd just been eleven when they'd had to run, almost twelve, but still technically eleven. He hadn't really been aware of what had happening. He had been hiding under the kitchen table, his arms around his skinny legs, hoping that he didn't have to get hurt again, and then there was Callie, telling him exactly that. Her face was still imprinted boldly in his mind – childish with still rounded cheeks and terror in her eyes and blood on her cheeks. She had told him not to look and he hadn't as they had run out the front door.

"I remember," he whispered.

"What do you want me to do, Jude? There's no way out. At least here, at least after that first time, you've been safe."

Jude nodded. "I know. But I'm being safe out there. You don't have to worry."

"Maybe I should chip you," Callie mused.

"Really?"

"No, I don't think I could get you to hold still long enough."

For the first time in a long time, Jude and Callie were smiling at one another.

"Maybe a cheap cell phone," Callie said. "But you would have to answer every time I called."

"You'd let me have a phone?"

"Maybe. Would you answer it?"

Jude nodded.

"We'll see. I'll try and get Nic to give me a second one."

Jude resented that. He didn't want anything that would let Nic dig his claws any further into Callie.

She walked out of the bathroom. "So, where were you?"

"My friend was sick. I went to make sure he was okay and then I read some of the book that Mariana lent me to him. It's a really hard book but I'm doing okay with it."

"Your hair looks different. Did you dye it?"

"He helped," Jude admitted, because he wasn't going to lie to her and pick a fight over something that small.

"You be careful with who you trust."

Jude looked down at the floor. "He doesn't know about you. I'm smarter than that."

Callie kissed his forehead. "Go to bed. Nic's taking me out tonight."

"A job?"

"A date."

That was worse.

"I'll try not to wake you up when I come in."

" _If_ ," Jude said. Just because Callie preferred to spend her nights upstairs, keeping a sleeping guard next to him, didn't mean that she didn't sometimes stay on the first floor with Nic in his room.

"Lock the door behind me."

Jude nodded and did as she asked. Then, he changed out of his clothes and into his pyjamas, curling up tightly on his side of the bed, as if Callie were on her side to tell him to stay out of her space. He stared blankly toward the door but he didn't know what he expected. He was mostly ignored now, thanks to Callie's influence. They weren't about to stop being paranoid but Jude knew that if they were going to decide to pick on him, it would be while Callie was out of town with Nic, not while she was downstairs, able to know if someone was heading up the attic steps.

Jude pulled his pillow into his arms and thought of Connor. He wondered what his friend was doing right now. It was early for bed but Connor did say he was tired a lot. Was that another symptom of the medical condition? Jude didn't know and he felt like he had more questions to ask Connor about that but he knew that Connor would shut down his questions, just as he had done earlier today. Jude had to trust Connor but, even though they were supposed to be friends, that was still easier said than done. He didn't trust easily. Jude pulled his knees up closer to his stomach and took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

Time to go to bed.

 **Those of you who have followed my other stories, you probably can guess where this is going: playlist! I'll be releasing two or so songs with every chapter. If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This weeks songs are:** _ **Going To Be Wonderful**_ **by Tom Rosenthal and** _ **Join The Club**_ **by Bring Me The Horizon.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	11. Three Of Diamonds

Connor stared down at the cover of _To Kill A Mockingbird_ , trying not to look up at the whiteboard where Mrs. Saum had written _ESSAY TOPICS_ in large block letters. He still had no idea what to write about and he really didn't want to think about that particular shortcoming. Mrs. Saum was still organizing papers on her desk and people were still talking loudly around him, knowing they didn't have to settle until their teacher turned around. Connor was still caught off-guard by something hitting his desk and it felt just like Halloween.

"Hi, Daria."

"Hi, Connor!" she grinned brightly.

"What is this?" Connor picked up the bright red envelope with his name written on it.

Daria leant against his desk. "Open it."

So, he did, skimming the invitation. "You're having another party."

"It's my Christmas party," Daria said. "My parents are going out of town on the first Saturday. I mean, everyone's invited but I decided to give actual invitations to special people."

"What's the difference between your Christmas party and your regular parties?" Connor asked, thinking that he wouldn't really know. He had never gone to one of Daria's parties, though they seemed to attract most of their grade and some of the grades above and below.

"Santa hats. Mistletoe," she said, and she grinned. "Will you come?"

"I might," Connor said. "You said anyone can come?"

"Yeah. It's mostly BYOB but if you're going to have trouble getting drinks, let me know, and I can put you on Maddie's sister's list."

"Thanks, Daria," Connor said, seeing Mrs. Saum turn to face them. "I'll definitely think about it."

"Do that," she said, and her smile widened. "I definitely want to see you there."

(-.-)

Jude dealt himself a round of solitaire, trying to concentrate on the bent cards instead of glancing up at Connor's face. He had been eavesdropping, though, and Connor was trying to help his students with math today. It wasn't interesting to Jude – but what about school _was_ interesting to Jude? Plus, though he was slightly more familiar with the numbers than the letters, he still didn't really _understand_ math. Maybe he'd bring that up to Connor next. Maybe he'd actually talk to Mariana, if he didn't think he could handle the thought of Connor teaching him anything else. He lost his round and quietly dealt himself another but he didn't get to finish it. The two kids ran by him, yelling at one another over cleaning their room, and Jude packed up his cards so he could fall into step with Connor as they headed out the door.

"I'm never having kids," Connor said as they left the Centre.

"Michael and Mary help you make that decision?"

"They didn't hurt," Connor said. "Well, sort of. Mary hit me in the arm with a book and so that'll probably turn black by tomorrow."

Jude supposed that Connor had been living with his medical problems for long enough that he could afford to be nonchalant about it but Jude had just found out. He stuck his hands in his pockets and shrugged. Connor could probably sense his awkwardness because he lapsed into silence, only trying to speak again when they walked into the coffee shop.

"Look, they have a vanilla latte now. I'm going to try it. Do you want to try something else?"

Jude shook his head. He wasn't a fan of change but that shouldn't surprise anyone.

"Okay, you go sit."

Jude went and took a spot on one of the couches, feeling restless as he waited for Connor to return. He tucked one leg up underneath of him and tapped his fingers along the coffee table and then he pulled out his deck of cards, feeding one out just so that he could toy with it. Connor came back with their cinnamon bun and drinks.

"Do you want to play a game of something?" Connor asked.

Jude pushed the card back in the box. "Not really. I was just thinking."

"About what?"

"About you." Even though that wasn't how Jude meant it, his tongue still felt too big for his mouth at the words. "I don't know. How hard did Mary hit you? How hard would someone have to hit you for it to bruise?"

Connor pulled his shirt sleeve up slightly, just to bare his wrist. "Squeeze me. Try it."

"No. I think that would hurt me too." That definitely gave too much away but Connor didn't seem to notice. Or, maybe, he just didn't care.

Connor gave himself a hard flick on the wrist. "I bruise, it hurts. I take some vitamins and other medications and I try not to fall down stairs. It's not … Um, it's not the end of the world. Really, you'll barely be able to see that tomorrow."

"I'm not seeing you tomorrow."

"Oh, right."

Jude definitely thought that Connor looked disappointed that time.

"You'll have to show someone else at school."

Connor suddenly looked away from him. "They think it's freaky."

"Freaky is what I hope other people think of me."

"You're not."

"My life's easier if I don't have friends, I thought I told you that."

Connor shrugged. "You kinda talked to me first."

"I was drunk," Jude quipped.

Connor sort of laughed and sort of looked like he believed that Jude had said. "Have you ever been drunk?"

Jude shook his head. What would be the point? In order to get booze, he'd have to steal it – probably from Nic – and it wouldn't be worth getting caught. And, there was no way that Callie wouldn't find out, and _that_ definitely wouldn't be worth drinking, especially since he'd be drinking alone. It seemed sad to go through just to be alone.

"I've never had a drink of anything." Connor glanced over at Jude and Jude shook his head. "Daria handed out invitations for a Christmas party she's having the first weekend of December."

"That's really advanced planning."

Connor nodded absently, sipping at his drink. "Her parents are out of town. Her dad works at the same company as mine and that's their Christmas party. Maddie's got an older sister that'll buy drinks. Anyway, she invited and, so, I'm inviting you."

"Wait, what?"

"I know it can take you some time to work things out with your guardian –"

"No, not that part," Jude interrupted. "You want me to go to a school party with you?"

"I've heard about Daria's parties. They're big events. I'd only go if you came too. You can stay at my house after."

Jude shifted on the couch and ripped off a piece of the cinnamon bun, though he didn't eat it. "Your dad –"

"– has an office party and will be staying at a hotel, provided you'll stay with me anyway."

"I'll stay with you," Jude agreed, because all he could think about was sleeping next to Connor. "But, we might have to fight about the party."

"We don't fight," Connor said. "How's your hot chocolate?"

"It's good. Thank you. How's your latte?"

"I really like it," Connor said. "Do you want to try?"

Jude took the cup that was offered to him and sipped at it. "Wow, that's really good." He handed it back to Connor and sighed. "Sorry, I feel so crazy. Last night at home wasn't great."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Connor offered.

"People that I don't like and who aren't supposed to see me hang around often. In parts of the house that I'm not allowed to go in. Sometimes, they get loud. It can get kind of scary." Fifteen-year-old boys weren't supposed to be scared but Jude had to admit that's exactly what he felt when he heard obnoxious yelling and worse sounds coming from the ground floor. "I'm just waiting for something terrible to happen. Which is a really sucky way to live."

Connor nodded. "I hate that feeling. When there's something out of control going on and you're just so powerless to stop it, even though you didn't ask for it. Even though there's no way for you to fix it."

Jude couldn't stop staring at Connor's face, thinking that, maybe, just maybe, Connor understood a little bit more than Jude had originally given him credit for.

"I think, next time, I'll try the vanilla latte," Jude said, his heart twisting.

Maybe change wasn't so bad after all.

(-.-)

"Hi, Connor!"

Connor closed the office door behind him. "Hi, Ms. Adams."

She waited patiently while he made himself comfortable in the chair across from her desk and tucked his backpack under the chair. Finally, he rested his head on his hand, his elbow on the arm of the chair.

"So, how's your week been? I noticed I missed some classes at the beginning of the week."

"I got really sick from treatment last Friday," Connor said. "Dad made me stay home a few days to try and recover. It wasn't a big deal. Apparently, that's just going to happen but Jude came to check on me on Tuesday."

"And how did that go?"

"Well, at first, I let him think I had the flu," Connor admitted, pulling a face. "But, um, he saw how bruised up my arms were and asked questions."

"Did you tell him the truth?"

Connor shook his head, feeling ashamed. "I told him I had a blood disorder."

"Connor, you know that's almost worse than not telling him anything at all. When he finds out the truth, it's going to hurt that you lied to him about so much."

"I know," Connor whispered, because that was all that he had been able to think about. "I know, trust me, but I just … can't. I can't." Tears welled up in his eyes as he whispered, "I'm getting worse, Ms. Adams."

"Oh, Connor."

He held up his hand. "I knew it was going to happen. I knew. But, um, I'm going to have to tell him soon. I know I am and so I just want to be able to actually enjoy the time before I actually tell him. Isn't that okay?"

"It's okay," Ms. Adams said, but Connor could almost tell that it was from a place of sympathy rather than advice from a counselor.

"I felt really happy when he came to see me on Tuesday," Connor said. "I forgot what it was like to have a friend care about you like that. I wish I'd met him earlier."

"Well, like you said, it's time to enjoy your time."

Connor nodded. He wanted to tell Ms. Adams that he wished he had met Jude earlier so maybe Jude wouldn't be living in a bad spot. He wanted to tell Ms. Adams how bad he felt about thinking that he could make such a considerable difference in Jude's life, especially when Jude clearly didn't want to think about his life being changed. He wanted to tell Ms. Adams all about Jude, but he remembered Jude pulling faces over the fact that Adam and Mariana knew his name. He knew that Jude wouldn't like Connor telling Ms. Adams anything about him, even if Jude never found out about it.

"I guess I have to figure out how I want to do that," Connor said, and then he sighed. "Dad wants me to live life normally like I would if nothing was really wrong."

"Is that what you want?"

"I want for nothing to really be wrong."

And, though Connor could tell that she tried, Ms. Adams really had nothing to say to that.

(-.-)

Jude was laughing at him. He wasn't doing it in an obnoxious or mean way and Connor didn't really feel mocked. Still, he could feel Jude's amusement from where the other boy was sitting, even though Jude hadn't said anything about it. They were at the coffee shop, post Centre, as was their usual Thursday routine, except, Connor was on his laptop and Jude was amusing himself with solitaire.

"It's not fair that I'm doing homework while you're having fun."

"You could just not do the homework," Jude suggested.

"Dad would get mad if I slacked off. Plus, I was hoping that you could be helpful."

Jude snorted. " _Me_? How could I possibly be helpful with that essay? I haven't even read the book yet."

"I know, I know. I was just hoping that being here with you would be more inspirational than staring at my living room wall _again_ , trying to come up with something. Plus, I'm going to have to write the thing this weekend."

"First draft due on Wednesday," Jude parroted back at him. "I thought a first draft could suck."

"It can, I would just rather it didn't." Connor sighed and nudged the laptop toward Jude. "Here, you write it."

Jude looked away from him, shuffling his cards with the finesse of a Vegas dealer. "Connor, if I can't read, what makes you think I can write?"

Connor frowned, ashamed that he had never actually thought about that. "Let's play Hangman, then."

" _What_?" Jude asked, his brown eyes widening. "I thought you had to write an essay."

"And it's clearly not happening. Do you know how to play Hangman?"

"I think? Is it hard, though?"

"No, and it'll help with the writing stuff."

"Then it sounds hard."

"Do you not want to?" Connor asked. He didn't want to bully Jude into anything.

"I mean, what's the point of learning one but not the other?" Jude asked and he slid his ratty cards back into the box. "You're going to have to be so patient."

"I'm already patient."

"That's true."

Connor shut his laptop and then dug out his notebook. He wrote out the alphabet in both uppercase and lowercase letters, Jude watched him a little too intently. He ripped the page out and then sat it on their table.

"For reference," he said. "Okay, tell me how to play."

"You pick a word and I have to guess it."

"That's the simplest way to put it," Connor agreed. "Do you want to go first?"

He wasn't surprised when Jude shook his head. Connor quickly explained the few other rules of the game while he set up his page. He hesitated on picking a word. He didn't want to pick something that was way too hard for Jude but, at the same time, if he picked something too easy, it would be equally offensive. In the end, he outlined the spaces for 'BOO RADLEY'. At least Jude was guaranteed to know it.

Jude inched closer and stared down at the page. "Is that two words? Isn't that cheating?"

"I could pick a whole sentence if I wanted to," Connor replied.

"Please don't want to," Jude grumbled. "Okay, let's start with 'A'."

"You're in luck," Connor said and he filled in the spot.

Jude looked pretty happy with himself. "Which ones are the vowels?"

"A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y," Connor said, underlining them on the example page. "The rest are called consonants."

"Consonants," Jude repeated under his breath. "Okay. Um, E."

Connor filled it in and Jude's next guess was an 'I'. Connor had to hang a head for that and Jude looked disappointed about it. To Connor's relief, he looked more determined than defeated and that was what Connor wanted. He didn't want Jude to be upset, especially since reading and writing was the only way Connor felt like he could help Jude. Or, rather, the only way that Jude would let him help.

"O," Jude said, a little too firmly, like he could will an 'O' into the word. Connor filled in the two O's and Jude squinted. "OO? What, like goo?"

"Is that a guess?"

"No! I don't think it's goo. Try 'U'." Connor added a body to the head and Jude frowned. "Y?"

Connor added the letter and Jude seemed satisfied for a moment. Jude picked up the alphabet sheet and ran his finger along it, landing on the 'N'.

"Want an arm or a leg?" Connor asked.

"Leg," Jude whined. "Okay, uh, D."

"Want the D?" Connor joked and Jude just levelled a flat look at him. "Okay, okay. Not funny. I get it. But, you've got one, like it or not."

"Like it," Jude said. "Are any of those the same letter?"

Connor shook his head.

"Well, that sucks. Okay, um, C?"

"Leg or arm?"

"Arm."

"Try closer to the beginning of the alphabet," Connor hinted.

"B?"

Connor filled it in.

"Boo? What would … Oh! Boo Radley!"

Connor could only smile at Jude's enthusiastic expression. Jude's hands clasped together like he was going to clap for himself but, instead, he nudged at Connor.

"Fill it in! That means I won, right?"

"Right," Connor said, but he hated to look away from Jude's face to complete the puzzle.

"You really are obsessed with this book."

"It's a good book!" Connor said and then he pushed the notebook toward Jude. "Your turn."

Jude nodded and took the pen. He drew the gallows and then he hesitated. He turned and reached into his tiny black backpack, pulling out _To Kill A Mockingbird._

"Now who's obsessed."

"I have to make sure I can spell it!" Jude said, slightly defensive. "Otherwise, what's the point?"

"I guess," Connor admitted.

Jude frowned in concentration as he drew seven large blanks across the page, staring down at his handiwork and then double checked the book.

"Are you ready?" Connor asked.

"I think so," Jude said. "Yeah, okay, I'm ready.

"All right, A," Connor guessed, and they continued on.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **All Through The Night**_ **by Sleeping At Last and** _ **Without You**_ **by AJ Rafael.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	12. Six Of Spades

Connor held Jellybean close to him as Adam walked through the front door. He gently scratched her ear one more time before he stood up, letting her jump off him and wander away. He had practiced his speech one too many times to her since he'd gotten home from school. She didn't need to hear him actually deliver it to his father.

"Connor?" Adam called.

"I'm right here, Dad," Connor said, following him into the kitchen. "How was work?"

"Same as usual. I'm going to drown in paper one of these days," Adam said.

"Weren't you saying your company was going all digital?"

"I did and they did and yet …" Adam sighed, preheating the oven. "I picked up one of those deli pizzas on my way home."

"Those are good." Connor leant against the kitchen counter. "Can I talk to you about something?"

Adam quickly turned, pressing his hand against Connor's forehead. "How are you feeling? Are you okay?"

Connor pushed his father's hand away. "I don't have a fever. I –"

"How's the rash?"

"Rashy and not moving. I –"

"Did the cat scratch you?"

"No. I –"

"Did you throw up? Do you feel nauseous at all?"

"I don't –"

"Any blood? Any bleeding?"

"Dad!" Connor cried. "No, I'm the same as I have been. That's not what I wanted to tell you."

That didn't seem to calm Adam at all and Connor knew the conversation probably wasn't going to be the calm, easy affair that he'd been hoping for.

"So, what is it?"

"Um, I need you to call Dr. Meyer –"

"I thought you said you were feeling fine!"

Connor ignored Adam and plowed forward, saying, "And change next Friday's appointment to Saturday."

"I'm not so sure that's a good idea."

"Aren't you going to ask me why?" Connor couldn't help but sound exasperated.

"All right," Adam said but he clearly looked like he was humouring Connor. "Why do you want to change your appointment?"

"Friday is my best friend's birthday and that's when he wants to celebrate. I want to go."

Adam's face softened. "Jude, right? The boy from school?"

Connor nodded. "Please, Dad? I never get to do things with friends. I never ask. You were the one who said I should try and be normal. I can't be normal if I have to spend my afternoon throwing up."

"Well …" Adam mused, but Connor could tell what way that he was swaying.

"I always get sicker. I'm not going to get better."

It was definitely overkill but Connor knew it needed to be said and heard more. It was so easy for he and Adam to get caught in the bubble of their routine. Connor knew enough to know that it wasn't how they should be doing things.

"I'll call her tomorrow morning," Adam agreed. "But you might have to get up early on Saturday."

"That's okay," Connor said.

He was going to spend Jude's birthday with him. That, at the very least, was worth an early Saturday morning.

(-.-)

Jude woke to the smell of breakfast. _Real_ breakfast. Bacon and maple syrup. He pushed the blankets off his body, trading his pyjama bottoms for black jeans. Then, he stumbled out the bedroom door where Callie had a feast spread out along the kitchen counter. She turned to smile at him and, for once, she looked like the sister he had once known. The sister who was just his beloved older sister.

"Happy birthday, Jude!" she exclaimed, hugging him once he got close enough to her. "Fifteen. Wow!"

 _Fifteen_ , Jude thought. He hardly believed it either.

"I got you a birthday breakfast," Callie said. "Pancakes and bacon and eggs and toast. And there's another present too."

"You didn't have to do all this."

"I did." Callie gave him a pat along his hair. "It's also an apology."

"What for?"

"Tomorrow, I have to leave for a couple of weeks, but I'll be back in time for Christmas. I made Nic promise."

"Why do you have to go?" Jude asked.

"So, nothing happens to you." Callie kissed him. "We won't fight about it today."

"When you get back?" Jude suggested.

Callie laughed but agreed. "When I get back and not a second before. Come on, we should eat before it gets cold."

Jude hurriedly made himself a plate. Real, warm food. Well, diner food, not quite homemade but it was still amazing. He and Callie sat down on the couch and Jude covered his pancakes with maple syrup. He almost didn't want to use his fork. He'd rather dig in with both hands but he knew that it would cause Callie to shriek at him like she was a watchful mother. He fit about half of a pancake into his mouth, chewing quickly.

"Don't choke."

"But I love pancakes," Jude said, not even caring that his mouth was full.

Callie rolled her eyes at him. "I bet they'd be better if you slowed down and tasted them."

"You don't know that for sure," Jude argued.

"Sure, I don't," she said sarcastically.

But, Callie managed to let him get through the rest of breakfast without interrupting him or telling him he was eating like an animal, which had been a habit of hers in years past. When they were finished, Callie took the plates and left him sitting on the couch.

"There are going to be rules about this," Callie said.

"About my present?" Jude asked, and then he thought he might know what it was.

"Exactly. Close your eyes."

Jude did because it was more fun to humour her. He faced forward on the couch, his palms up. Callie placed a small, cold object in one of his hands.

"Can I look?" Jude asked.

"Okay, look."

Jude opened his eyes. There it was, a small, slightly outdated but still perfectly usable cell phone in his hand.

"You answer my calls no matter where or when you are. If you're going somewhere where you might not be able to do that, you have to tell me before you go. You delete your texts, especially the texts between you and me, every night. If anyone ever talks to you – cop, CPS, adults – you get rid of it before they can find it. Officially, it doesn't belong to you. Also, you're going to have to earn it month to month by being good about the Centre."

"I understand," Jude said. "They're the rules. I know them."

Callie hugged him. "The number for the phone is on the back. My number is already programmed in, under 'Jay'. Just so they won't guess."

"Okay," Jude said. "Does this mean we can talk while you're gone?"

"A little. Yeah, you can let me know you're safe."

Jude stared up at her. "You can let me know you're safe."

"That too. I got you the blue case so it would match your hair."

Jude picked up the phone, turning it over, and held it up to his head. "Does it match?"

"It's close enough," Callie said, and she sounded satisfied with herself.

"Thank you, Callie," Jude said.

"It does enough. A few apps. You can text, call. No data, though."

"It's still really great. Thank you, Callie."

She ruffled his hair. "You're welcome."

Jude kept staring at her face. "You're going to leave me alone now, aren't you?"

"Yeah. I have to be ready to leave tomorrow. That's why we had breakfast so early."

Jude nodded. "Um, my friend and I were going to do something for my birthday after the Centre. Unless … unless you wanted me to come home."

He hadn't considered that Callie would want him around.

"Your friend," Callie repeated and Jude could tell from her voice that she still wasn't sold on the idea of Connor.

" _Friend_ ," Jude repeated.

"Okay, Jude, friend," Callie repeated. "No, it's okay. Spend time with your _friend_."

"You can stop saying it like that," Jude replied. "It's not what you think. You don't have to worry about that."

"I have to worry about you no matter what," Callie said. "Okay, I have to go down to the basement. I'll be back up before you have to go down to the Centre."

"Okay," Jude said.

"Lock the door behind me."

"I know."

Once Callie was gone and the door was locked, Jude went to get in the shower. He knew that it was a little stupid but he wanted to look extra nice to day. He was fifteen. He had his first cell phone. He thought that should all mean something. He carefully cleaned himself and then, when he got out of the shower, he was careful to put on actually clean clothes instead of semi-clean clothes. Clothes that fit properly. He was just pulling his shirt over his head when an unfamiliar dinging noise sent him flinching into the wall. It took a moment of heavy breathing for him to realize that it was his new cell phone.

He was going to have to turn the sound off before it gave him a heart attack. He did just the before opening the text, which had come from Callie's pseudonym.

 **Jay: Just making sure the phone worked**

 **Jude: It does! Thanks again**

 **Jay: You're welcome**

Jude sat down on the bed with his phone, toying with the different features just to pass the time.

(-.-)

Connor was leaving his last class of the day, drama class. It was a class that he didn't share with Daria but that didn't stop her from finding him and falling into step with him, a bright smile on her face and her hair as bouncy as her step.

"Hi, Connor!"

"Hi, Daria." Was it bad that he was waiting for the transition to her not speaking to him again? He knew what to do with that better. He and Daria had never been close friends. Even back when Connor's classmates had spoken to him, she hadn't really been one of them. Her friend, Maddie, had been his friend but that had been a long time ago now.

"Have you thought any more about my party?"

"I've still got time, right?"

"Right," Daria said. "But if you need drinks …"

"I'll let you know on Monday, okay?"

Daria nodded. "I think you'd have fun if you came. Last time I checked, there was, like, a hundred people coming. You never know what will happen."

"I guess so. I –"

"Daria! Come on!" Taylor shouted from the doorway. "Mom's going to be pissed if we make her late."

"See you later, Connor!"

He managed a half-hearted wave to her and then he swerved down a side hall, walking quickly toward his locker. He knew that Jude was going to be waiting for him outside but he also knew that there was no way he was carrying around a heavy back pack if he and Jude were hanging out. He quickly opened his combination lock, not flinching as Ms. Adams approached.

"Were you making friends with Daria?"

"Her big Christmas party. Her parties are how everyone gets drunk." Connor glanced up at her. "I didn't tell you that."

"I've got big ears," Ms. Adams said. "Are you in a hurry?"

"It's Jude's birthday. We're going to get cupcakes."

Connor emptied as many books from his bag into his locket as possible, leaving himself only _To Kill A Mockingbird_ and a notebook in case they ended up playing Hangman again. He made sure his wallet was in his bag.

"I'll see you on Monday, Ms. Adams!"

"Bye!"

Connor joined the rush of people still leaving the building, careful not to let their bags hit him. He quickly spotted Jude – bright blue hair and awkward stance – loitering near the sidewalk, standing rock still and leaving people to swerve around him. To Connor's immense amusement, most people did exactly that. He hurried through the crowd of people, noticing how relieved Jude look when he saw Connor. Jude stuck his hands in his pockets and kicked at the ground until Connor was right next to him.

"Ready for cupcakes?"

Jude nodded.

"Happy birthday, by the way," Connor said, nudging Jude's shoulder with his own.

"Thanks," Jude said. "You know, it really feels like a birthday. I mean, last year I got my birthday breakfast like I usually do and then my sister skipped out which, she did this year too, I guess, but she didn't get me any other presents – not that I'm complaining. I guess doing more, with her and with you, makes it feel like a real birthday."

"Your _sister_?" Connor repeated. Jude had family. Real family.

"What?" Jude stopped and stared at him, frowning. "I … Um, no, I didn't say sister, I don't have a sister. My guardian. That's the only person I know. That's the only –"

Connor reached out, resting his hand on Jude's arm. "You don't have to lie to me. I'm not going to tell your secrets. Not even to Ms. Adams."

Jude shook off his hand, looking down the street at people that were approaching. "Please forget I said that."

"I don't think I could forget anything you tell me. You're easy to remember."

Jude bit down on his lip. "Okay but that's another thing we're not going to talk about."

"At some point, I should start making a list," Connor said, starting to walk again.

"You can't," Jude said. "What if someone found it?"

"Do you ever think you're paranoid?"

"Maybe but if you knew the whole story, you wouldn't question it."

"Maybe, someday, we'll be friends long enough," Connor mused, even though it hurt him to do so. What did long enough mean? He knew what it meant to him but what did it mean to Jude? It was probably really different things and Connor felt guilty when he thought about it for too long.

"Don't hold your breath," Jude warned.

"Yeah, yeah," Connor said. "So, what did you get for your birthday?"

"A phone," Jude said. "I mean, I basically had to sign my soul away and agree to go to the Centre like a good kid but I have a phone!"

"Guess you'll be stuck to it now, texting your million friends."

"Maybe Jellybean and I will text," Jude suggested.

"Well, that'd be rude of her. She _never_ answers my messages."

"She definitely likes you better," Jude said, "so if she doesn't answer you, then I don't think she'll answer me."

"But she does like you."

"If you say so."

Connor looked up and was glad to see the cupcake shop just ahead. Just a few more steps. Jude was walking quickly, almost a little too quickly, but Connor felt too awkward to ask him to slow down, especially once he realized that Jude was just excited. He wanted Jude to be excited. He was still glad when they reached the door of the cupcake shop and Jude held it open.

"You go sit," Connor said. "Mocha one, right?"

"Yes, please."

Jude headed off to take a seat and Connor went to order. He leant over the counter to ask the woman working, "Do you have birthday candles?"

She nodded. "We can put one in the top and light it for you. Which cupcake?"

"The mocha one," Connor whispered.

He paid and then she fetched the cupcakes, lighting a single candle on Jude's. Connor happily carried it over to his best friend, trilling, "Happy birthday to you!"

Jude turned his head and laughed. "You don't have to sing."

"I'm not going to." Connor put Jude's large cupcake down in front of him. "But you do have to blow out the candle."

Jude leant forward, huffing on the candle, getting the single flame out in one blow.

"Did you make a wish?" Connor asked.

"Yeah but I can't tell you," Jude said. "Otherwise, it won't come true."

"I guess that's why none of mine ever came true. I always told."

"I don't know if telling your cat actually counts."

Connor licked frosting off his finger. "I didn't tell you it was Jelly."

"You didn't have to," Jude replied. "I think that's the point of friends. You don't have to say things for them to know them."

"I think that's a really good point to friends."

Jude nodded and he pulled the candle out of his cupcake, sucking the frosting off the bottom of the candle before he put it to the side.

"Thank you for my cupcake," Jude said.

"You're welcome."

Jude hefted the cupcake and bit down, smearing frosting along his nose. Connor laughed and slid a napkin toward him.

"Your nose is turning brown."

Jude looked half-embarrassed as he tried to wipe it away, only smearing it down his nose worse. Connor nudged his chair closer to Jude's and picked up another napkin, cleaning the spots on Jude's face that he had missed. Jude looked even more embarrassed about that and he leant away from Connor.

"Sorry."

"There's more frosting," Jude said. "I'm just going to make myself even messier."

"Life with cupcakes," Connor mused.

"Eat yours," Jude said.

"And then you're going to give me your phone number," Connor said.

"Yeah, of course. You're one of two people I'm going to talk to."

"Well, you can text me about Mockingbird when you're reading on your own."

Jude rolled his eyes slightly. "I prefer to do most of the reading with you."

"I know," Connor said. "But I think you like the book. I think you _could_ read more on your own."

"I don't want to," Jude said stubbornly. "It's easier reading to you."

"Okay," Connor said. "It's up to you. I like you reading to me."

"I know," Jude echoed. "Eat your cupcake. What kind did you get?"

"Cookies and cream," Connor replied. "Here, want to try?"

Jude took a small bite of his and then he offered Connor a bite of the mocha one but Connor shook his head.

"It's your birthday cupcake. You shouldn't have to share it."

"It'll taste better if I do."

How could Connor argue with that? He sampled Jude's cupcake and, immediately, felt bad about his own cupcake choice. Jude was right; the mocha cupcake was probably the best cupcake that the store had. He was tempted to steal more – Jude would probably let him – but he went back to his cupcake. It was Jude's birthday after all.

"Are you sure you don't want to do anything else?" Connor asked. "We have all day."

Jude smirked at him. "We always have all day."

"Yeah," Connor said, not able to forget the fact that it was Friday and there was somewhere else that he was always supposed to be. He had made sure that he had all day and he thought that he should use it. "But it's a birthday. Do you want to go to the movies or anything?"

"The movies?"

"Yeah. There's got to be something on that we'd like. Why not?"

"It's not fair that you're going to do all this for my birthday."

"You can get me cupcakes for mine," Connor said, struggling to get a smile on his face. His birthday seemed so far away.

Jude just stared down at the tabletop. "What movie do you want to see?"

"No idea. We should just go and see the first one that's playing."

Jude nodded. "Okay."

"We can get popcorn for dinner." Jude looked at him and Connor could tell that Jude was about to protest what he'd said and so Connor quickly added, "Well, _I'm_ going to. You can have some if you ask nicely."

"You make it too easy to mooch, you know that?" Jude asked.

"Yeah, I know, that's the point." Connor grinned. "So, want to see a movie?"

"Okay." Jude popped the last of his cupcake into the mouth. "I did really like the cupcake."

"You were right. Mocha's really good." Connor finished his cupcake. "Come on, birthday boy. We've got a movie to catch."

"And a bus," Jude said. "I'm a lazy birthday boy. Birthday breakfast comes early, you know."

"Well, now I do," Connor said, glad that Jude was the one who suggested the bus. "Hey, let me see your phone. I'll add my number in."

Jude handed over his phone. As they walked toward the bus stop, Connor quickly typed in his number and then he sent a text to himself.

"There, now you can bother me whenever you want."

"And you can ignore me whenever you want," Jude added.

"I've never wanted to ignore you," Connor said. "I'm glad you have a phone. There's been times I wanted to talk to you but couldn't."

Jude mumbled something that sounded like _me too_ and then he cleared his throat to loudly say, "Well, I guess I won't have to show up at your house anymore if you skip Centre days."

"You can still show up to my house," Connor said. "I promise I won't mind. It was fun. Even though it took me, like, three days of scrubbing to get the dye of my hands."

"Gloves. I told you."

"Next time. If you ever decide to trust me again."

"Yeah, yeah," Jude said, sticking his hands in his pockets. "I probably trust you most."

"Not your guardian?" Connor asked carefully, wondering if Jude's temper would flare if he actually said the word _sister_.

Jude shrugged and hopped on the bus. Once they were sitting, he glanced over at Connor again. "Well, she just _knows_ everything. Not to say I don't trust her. But the fact that I have to tell you things means something else. Wouldn't you say?"

Connor nodded and he felt guilt building in the pit of his stomach. He couldn't tell Jude things. Well, he could – that had always been Ms. Adams' point – but he wouldn't. He was holding his tongue and he knew that he was doing it just because he wanted to. It didn't really have anything to do with Jude. Connor clenched his hand tightly shut, thinking about his fingers against his palm. He would just have to talk to Ms. Adams about it again next week. That was something that they could chase around in circles, rather than everything else that he knew that she would rather him be talking about and everything that he just wanted to keep quiet.

"What stop is the theatre?" Jude asked.

"Let me check," Connor said, pulling out his phone, glad to have something else to think about. "Four more."

Jude's head flopped against the back of bus seat dramatically. "Four stops? Too long."

Connor didn't think it was quite so bad but he was itching to reach for his hand sanitizer or get to the theatre bathroom so he could scrub up to his elbows, just in case. If he was delaying his appointment, he should be extra careful, even though he knew that there was only so much that he could do.

"Have you ever noticed that your hair matches the back of the bus seats?"

Jude sat up indignantly, his dark eyes flashing. "My hair is a lot lighter."

"Not since I redid it," Connor said. "It's pretty close now."

"You're just trying to make me mad," Jude said accusingly.

"Am not," Connor said. "Why would I do that to you on your birthday?"

"I don't know. I don't see why you'd make me mad at all."

"Come on, have I ever made you mad?"

Jude shrugged. "I don't think so."

"I can bribe you with extra buttery popcorn if you're mad," Connor offered.

Jude glanced at him, looking a little smug as he murmured, "Yeah, I think I am mad then."

Connor reached across Jude to hit the button for their stop. "Well, come on. Unhealthy birthday supper has to continue."

The movie theatre was quite crowded and Jude stuck close to him as they got in line for tickets and popcorn. They ended up getting tickets to a new spy movie, lots of coke, too much popcorn, and a package of M&M's, just because Connor could. He packed most of it into Jude's arms so that he could pass the theatre worker their tickets, and then they were off to sit in theatre three.

"Do you want to sit in front? Middle? Back? Wherever you want."

"Let's sit in the back," Jude said. "All the way."

Theatre steps were notoriously easy to get up and down from but Connor still had to watch his feet carefully and he knew that he was tired long before he should be. He was fifteen. He used to be an athlete. He should _still_ be an athlete. And yet, his thighs were burning and he felt like giant sores were probably developing on his rash even though he knew that couldn't possibly be true. He settled into one of the closest seats and Jude handed him the popcorn before sitting down next to him.

"Do you like spy movies?" Jude asked.

"I like action movies," Connor said. "Spies never made a whole lot of difference to me."

Jude nodded casually and then he reached across Connor to dig his hand into the popcorn. "Thanks."

"It's what friends are for."

They fell quiet as the lights dimmed and trailers started rolling. Jude kept leaning closer and closer to him as he dug around for popcorn but Connor didn't mind. It was comforting to have someone sitting close to him, someone who didn't think he was weird or diseased riddled or contagious or totally breakable. Connor had been worried about telling Jude even the little bit that he had but Jude didn't seem to care. He was concerned but the way that Jude was concerned felt nice. It wasn't like how his father was concerned, overbearing and stuffy, and it wasn't like how Ms. Adams was concerned, slightly clinical with advice he didn't know how to use.

As the movie actually started, Connor sunk down in his seat and rested his head down against Jude's shoulder. He'd gotten comfortable with it and didn't think twice. He felt Jude tense for a moment and he wondered if he should lift his head back up, but then Jude relaxed into him too and they settled in to watch the movie.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Ashes Made Of Spades**_ **by The Rocket Summer and** _ **Castor And Pollux**_ **by Kathryn Calder (reader recommended).**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	13. Seven Of Clubs

"You don't look great."

Connor shrugged in response to Ms. Adams' words. It was true. He didn't _feel_ great either.

"Want to know something funny?" Connor asked, even though it wasn't really funny. At least, not in the way that it would make someone laugh. Ms. Adams nodded but that didn't surprise him. She was here to listen to him. "Dad spent so much of September and October wondering if it was time for me to really go into a hospital, you know? And now that we're getting actually getting close to when I should be, he doesn't want me to go. My doctor brought it up and he wouldn't even listen to her."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Glad," Connor said, shifting uncomfortably on his chair. "I never wanted to go. I still don't. I think the part I like the most is that it finally _feels_ like he wants me there, like he wants me to be his son. He's not thinking of a different son or a son that I could have been, he's thinking about me. That's really screwed up, isn't it?"

"It makes sense," Ms. Adams told him and Connor thought that didn't make it any less screwed up. "I'm glad you feel like your father is really paying attention."

"He's still asking for screenshots of my app every time I have to take pills. Sometimes even randomly to see if I'm taking anything else for pain."

Connor glanced up at Ms. Adams' concerned face and thought that she was about to switch subjects from his father to something about his condition. If he were a betting man and if he had any life savings, he would put all of them on it.

"Is there a lot of pain?"

Too bad his pot was at zero.

Connor nodded. "Um, Dr. Meyer is getting more concerned about my kidney function."

He wrapped his arms around his body. He knew that it was sick; he had known for a long time that it wasn't going to do the things that it should be doing. Despite knowing all that, he still hated the thought that it was quitting on him. He had done everything exactly right and he was still going to lose his fight. _That_ almost brought tears to his eyes but he fought to keep a lid on those emotions. He didn't want to talk about it today.

"Um, Ms. Adams? Can I ask you a favour?"

"What is it?"

Sometimes he thought that she was relieved too when they switched to the easier subjects.

"Um, I kind of had my phone confiscated during chemistry and since Dad won't be able to come sign it out for me until tomorrow, I was wondering if you could get it back from the office for me."

"Why was your phone taken?" she asked.

"Um, 'cause I was on it," Connor replied.

Ms. Adams didn't look amused. "Why were you on it during class? This has never been a problem for you before."

"Jude just got a phone for his birthday. If find it really hard to stop talking to him. And he says texting helps him with his reading, so, really I was being a good tutor." He knew he didn't have to sell it quite _that_ much. Ms. Adams had started grinning from the moment he said Jude's name and it made him wonder if she was more excited than he was that he finally had a friend.

"I'm only doing this once," she warned him and Connor immediately thought that she would likely do it again. Then, he wondered if the thought was too arrogant.

"Thank you, Ms. Adams!"

"Don't let it happen again."

"I won't." He would have to learn how to be smarter about it. His classmates had all mastered the art of texting under the desk but sometimes the screen would blur or his thumbs wouldn't quite work and he would lose his stealth. He still tried to look sincere to Ms. Adams, all while thinking that he would probably end up texting Jude again.

Ms. Adams scribbled out a note for Connor to pick up his phone and slid it across the desk to him. Connor picked it up, thanked her again, and headed out her office door. Connor picked up his phone, writing a message to Jude on his way out.

 **Connor: You got my phone taken.**

It took Jude a long time to answer but it always took Jude a long time to answer. Connor could imagine him pouring over every letter, trying to cobble together words.

 **Jude: Ur fault.**

 **Connor: You're distracting!**

 **Jude: U let me**

 **Connor: If I fail chem, it's on you. You should be doing my homework.**

 **Jude: U would fail if I did. Promise.**

 **Connor: Maybe we'll do that the next time we hang out**

 **Jude: maybe not.**

 **Connor: You'll find out tomorrow.**

 **Jude: I guess so.**

 **Connor: Smile!**

He added an emoji after it, even though Jude didn't send one back.

 **Jude: Mayb I am**

That made Connor grin to himself as he walked to the bus stop. Once upon a time, he had biked home, but it had been so long since he had done that, and now he had to face the fact that he might not end up ever doing it again. It had been a long time since he had been on his bike. Months, at least. He had taken a spill and it had taken him so long to stop bleeding and it had taken so long for the bruising to heal that his father had tucked the bike away and Connor understood that he wouldn't be riding it anymore. He made it to his bus stop and patiently waited but his bus was good for being on time. He could almost time it down to the last second. He tapped his card on the bus and then went to find a seat, answering Jude once he settled.

 **Connor: Prove it**

 **Jude: trust me**

 **Connor: I do**

Connor let himself into his house, calling out Jellybean's name. An answering meow came from somewhere in the living room and Connor went to join her on the couch. He scratched her ears as he reached into his bag for his tablet and his copy of _To Kill A Mockingbird._

 **Connor: Did you come up with an essay topic for me yet?**

 **Jude: U r the smart 1**

But Connor wasn't sure that was true at all.

(-.-)

Jude carefully scrubbed flecks of blue dye from the base of the shower. It always annoyed Callie when he left traces of it around. She had never explicitly said so but Jude was sure that it had something to do with the fact that it was proof that he lived here. Or, at least, someone that wasn't her did. It was a small thing to concentrate on and it didn't make a whole lot of sense. If anyone was going through the attic apartment, they would see his clothes in their dresser. It would be a giveaway. His clothes would never have fit Callie, not even when she was his age. It was a lie that someone would see through. And it wasn't as though Callie went on cleaning sprees every night. Once or twice a month, maybe, she would wipe down counters and doorknobs, steal the vacuum that Nic had downstairs and go over every blanket and furniture, trying to erase evidence that the two of them had ever been there.

She tried to goad him into helping every time but it only worked every other time. He didn't see the point in doing it while they still lived there. They were going to miss things, they were going to leave fingerprints and parts of themselves behind while they were cleaning. It was another good of example of _why_ he had to be careful. If anyone who wanted to find out who he was had the ability to run his DNA would know who he was. It would take an extremely dedicated person to do such a thing but it _could_ be done. He would like to think that they didn't have to be that paranoid anymore but with Callie's current line of work, there was no such thing as too paranoid.

The rest of the blue dye down the drain, Jude was finally able to straighten up. He grabbed his clean t-shirt and yanked it over his head, drying his hair on his designated towel – one that was black so his dye stains wouldn't show. Callie _did_ get really annoyed when he left dye spots _anywhere_. He pulled on his pants and left the bathroom. Callie was gone and the world felt lonely. He was glad that it was Thursday. He was glad that he was going to get to see Connor soon. He wanted something to break the monotony of the day and he wanted to feel less lonely. Connor was texting him – complaining about classes and sending him anecdotes about the day – and it helped, a little. It also made Jude jealous of Connor, of getting to spend time around people. Not so much the school part. Reading was hard and Jude couldn't imagine that he'd get along in any kind of subject well.

Jude packed up his backpack, glancing at his clothes pile on the floor. If he was smart, he would do laundry now and hang it up to dry while he was out. It wouldn't make him super late to the Centre. But it would make him late. It would cut into the time that he got to spend with Connor and he didn't really want to do that. Laundry could dry overnight. It wasn't the end of the world.

Jude cracked open the door, moving quickly. He shut it behind him and locked it, though it was hard to hurry down the stairs without making a lot of noise. Especially when the stairs were as creaky as the attic ones. He made it out the back door and was heading out toward the street when he heard voices behind him. Jude forced himself not to freeze and not to look over his shoulder. There was a porch on the front of the house but it was rarely used as a hangout spot. Nic let all of his guests do whatever they wanted inside so wasn't as if people were on the porch for smoke breaks.

"Hey, that's Callie's kid brother."

"That's a _boy_?"

"I've heard some things … Someone might want to double check."

Jude lengthened his stride and tried to get out of view. They weren't _smart_ people. Out of sight, out of mind, for now, hopefully. If he was lucky. He didn't want to take off running. They might just give chase then, because they could. His heart was still beating wildly in his chest and he could feel his adrenaline. He wanted to run. He wanted to disappear. He wasn't a girl but it wasn't like all the rumours about him were fake. It wasn't like they were decent people – it wasn't like they would be above grabbing him and finding out. He didn't think he breathed properly until he was on the bus but even then, he worried about going home. They weren't going to be on the porch but they would know that Callie wasn't around. Nic had gone with her, even though people still had the run of the house for his business. So, there was no one to keep any of the so-called guests in line. Jude had never really considered how vulnerable he was before but it was so rare that he came into contact with any of Callie's business associates.

He sent Callie a text, trying to detail what had happened in as little words as he was possible. He couldn't go home. The might let him sleep at the Youth Centre. Maybe he could hide in a broom closet until it was shut down for the night. His knees felt like they were knocking together as he made it off the bus and through the Centre doors, trying to inspect the place. Where could he hide? Not in the multi-purpose room but that was where his legs took him because that was where he always went. He curled into his bean bag chair, feeling relieved when his phone buzzed. He struggled through the message, his heart dropping with every word.

 **Callie: Then don't go home. Nic is going home tomorrow and I told him to keep people out of my space. You'll be fine after 4pm.**

What was he supposed to do with himself for twenty-four hours!? He could have messaged Callie about it, and part of him wanted to, but he knew that she had bigger things to worry about and, so, wouldn't be particularly helpful. He could be resourceful – not in good ways, necessarily, like when he had taught himself to steal, but it was still something. He had done something to keep himself alive and that had been for more than twenty-four hours. Even if he had to stay awake and hide on a beach, he could make it through twenty-four hours.

He glanced up to make sure that Connor was where he should be and then he found himself looking away. Everything they thought about him, everything that they wanted to hurt him for, and parts of it were true. He had to remember to hide it. He had to remember to hide himself. He had done it before. He had found it easy before, even, but he hadn't been giving anything up, then. He had Callie. He had been gaining something: his safety. But, now, there was Connor, and though Jude knew that had gone into their friendship thinking he could break it, he knew now that he never could.

That was more frightening than the men on the porch. He wasn't supposed to be so attached to _anything._ Callie didn't even think that he should be so attached to her, even though it was hypocritical of her. If Jude were in a mood to be completely honest, he would probably admit that Callie loved him more. She certainly did more for him, went the extra mile so that he would never have to be involved with the type of things that she was. He was grateful. Of course, he was grateful but it was hard to not think about how life could be different for them. If things had gone different then. If things went different now.

He shook his head as the tutored kids began to clear the room, trying to clear his thoughts. It was something that he always tended to do but something that rarely seemed to work. It was hard to get anything out of his head. He stood up as Connor glanced at him, shouldering his bag as the walked out of the Centre.

"Can we … not go the café today?" Jude asked quietly. He just didn't want to be seen in public with Connor, not if Connor was going to be sleeping on him and sitting close, like he always did, and like Jude wanted him to.

"Sure. Where do you want to go?"

"Somewhere … not public. Something … something happened at home today."

He could feel that Connor was staring at him but he didn't quite have the strength to look back.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Connor asked.

"No. Not now, at least."

"We can go back to my house. Dad's not home. You're safe," Connor said with a weak smile. Jude appreciated the effort.

"Yeah, I'd like to go to your house."

Connor stayed quiet as they walked toward the bus, as if he knew that was what Jude needed. Jude could also admit that the silence was better when he was sharing it with Connor. He was safer inside of it, somehow. There was also a sense of friendship. They didn't have to speak for Jude to know that he wasn't alone and that was something he was grateful for as they got on the bus and headed to Connor's house. Jude did feel a little like he should be saying something, worried that Connor would be annoyed with how quiet he was being and dislike him for it, but that wasn't who Connor was. He knew better, by now. Connor was his friend and that wasn't going to get taken away from him. He was able to be comfortable, then, until they were through Connor's front door and he could relax. No one was so determined to hunt him this far, to peek in windows and break into a house. He knew that he must only cross people's minds when he was directly in front of them and so he tried not to be directly in front of them.

"Do you want to just find a movie to watch?"

Jude nodded but he didn't really care. He knew that he had to snap back into the moment. He wouldn't survive if he was only stuck in his own head.

Connor gently grasped Jude's forearm. "Come on. It'll be okay."

But how could Connor say that without really _understanding_ the fear that Jude had? Without ever living the same situation? Not that Jude wanted Connor to get it. Not that Jude wanted anyone to get it. All the same, he couldn't help but like that Connor said it. Maybe if one of them believed it, then that would be enough. He sank down onto the couch next to Connor and Jellybean jumped up between them, indignantly calling for attention. Jude scratched at her ears, thinking that cats were pretty comforting to have around after all. It was like Jellybean _knew_ that he was the one that needed attention because she was headbutting his leg before curling against his thigh.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Connor asked again and Jude shook his head. He didn't think that he should admit that much to Connor anyway. "I'm always here if you want to talk."

Jude nodded because he _did_ know that. Connor was someone that he could count on. Someone who was where he said he was going to be all the time and someone who answered texts quickly and someone who was so genuine that it actually made Jude's heart hurt, not to mention that honesty in his eyes. Not that Jude wanted to get himself started on Connor's eyes or any other part of him that was starting to even invade his _dreams_!

"Thanks," Jude murmured.

"Is there something you want to watch?"

"I don't want to watch anything sad."

"So, a comedy? I can find one of those. Don't worry, Jude."

 _Don't worry_. An easy comment to make, when Connor lived in his safe bubble. Jude tried to push away the sourness and the bitterness. He didn't pick the life he had now. Connor certainly didn't pick it. Callie, he supposed, _technically_ chose it but she had been a child, then, and between the two evils that she was faced with, she had thought that she was choosing the lesser one. In some ways, that was true.

"I'm worried about you," Connor said, remote poised in his hand, though he did nothing with it.

Jude wanted to tell him not to worry. It didn't quite suit him and Jude didn't want to be a burden to Connor in that way either. He wasn't worth the concern.

"Maybe after the movie we can talk about it. I just … I just need to not think right now."

"I understand that," Connor said. "Okay, a movie it is."

The comedy that Connor found was old – from sometime in the eighties. It was cheesy and the characters weren't really funny, in Jude's opinion, anyway. Connor laughed sometimes, though, and it was really Connor's laugh and Jellybean's purr that Jude focused on. Connor's house felt like a home – maybe not to him, but, in general. There were photographs on the walls and a happy cat in a safe neighbourhood with a small backyard. Growing up, Connor probably hadn't even feared the monster under his bed. He was wrong to be jealous. Connor didn't do anything. So, when Jellybean jumped from the couch, Jude slid a little closer. It was the first time that he had put his head down on Connor's shoulder, instead of the other way around. He waited for Connor to move away from him but he didn't. He was steady and solid under Jude's head and Jude couldn't help but appreciate it. He hadn't wanted to let himself do this in case Connor read too much into it (or he read too much into it) but he really did like it. He knew he liked it too much but he didn't know whether or not Connor knew that. He doubted it. Connor did the same thing to friends. That was how friends were.

Connor turned the volume down on the TV.

"What happened at home, Jude?"

The movie wasn't over yet and Jude would have like to have insisted that they finish it, even though he could tell that they were really close to the end already. He took a deep breath.

"Some … people made … comments. Comments almost like the people that hurt me. My guardian's … out of town on business. I, um, I'm not allowed home until tomorrow."

"What time tomorrow?"

"Four. After, if I want to really be safe."

"But where will you go?"

The concern in Connor's voice flooded Jude with warmth.

"I'll find somewhere."

"Somewhere like where?"

"I don't know. I'll figure it out." That wasn't the part that Jude thought Connor would worry about but he could feel how tense Connor suddenly was.

"You don't have to," Connor said. "I know my dad scares you but you can just stay here."

"You told him I was a friend from school," Jude pointed out, sitting up so that he could see Connor's face. He was happier when he could see Connor's face. "How will I explain no clothes or backpack or what about when you leave for school in the morning or what will he say when he sees what I look like or …"

Connor frowned but only for a moment. "I've got it figured out, Jude, don't worry. If you want to stay, I have a cover story. It'll be okay. Where else would you sleep?"

Anywhere in Connor's house would be preferable to the places that Jude was thinking and he knew that.

"You promise your dad won't dislike me?"

"He's argumentative with me but he's generally nice, I think. Let me call him and see what he thinks about me having a friend over. What can it hurt, right?"

It might hurt a lot of things but Jude wasn't about to say it. He just nodded and let Connor get off the couch to go call his father, hardly daring to hope the night might turn out better than he thought it would.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Do Not Hang Your Head**_ **by Elizabeth & The Catapult; and **_**Kind**_ **by Eisley.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	14. Nine Of Diamonds

As Connor listened to his phone ring, he couldn't help but wonder what kind of place Jude lived in that they would just kick a fifteen-year-old out over night and not care about where he went! If Connor ever tried to go anywhere, his father would give him the fifth degree. It was why he was glad that Daria's parents worked with his dad and she could throw her party while his father was away. Otherwise, he probably wouldn't be able to convince his dad to let him go, no matter what degree of guilt tripping he did to accomplish what he wanted.

"Connor? Is everything okay?"

"With me, Dad," Connor said quickly, knowing how Adam could blow things out of proportion. "Not so much with Jude."

"Your friend? Is he okay?"

It was a good sign that Adam was concerned about Jude, right?

"Well, _he's_ fine, but his mom had to take his dad to the hospital. He fell off of a ladder or something? Anyway, she doesn't want him to stay home alone tonight but she thinks she'll be home _super_ late so Jude asked if he could stay here." Like he was in elementary school again, Connor crossed his fingers behind his back, hoping that his father bought his lie. He would consider himself an adequate liar, at best. He found it hard to lie and he wasn't in the habit of it but, perhaps because of it, Adam wasn't in the habit of disbelieving it either.

"Really? Does she want to call me?"

"Her husband fell off a ladder. She just wants to make sure Jude's not home alone. He already stayed with us and lived so I guess she thinks she can trust you without anything happening."

"Someday I am going to have to meet her," Adam mused.

"Yeah, someday," Connor said. "So, what can I tell Jude?"

"Tell him it's all right and that I hope his dad gets better soon. He's not allergic to any food or anything, is he?"

"No," Connor said, realizing that he wasn't _completely_ sure. For all he knew, Jude could be allergic to something and had just never seen a reason to tell him.

"Okay. I'll pick up something for supper, then, don't worry about finding food."

"Okay. Um, Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you … not mention me being sick? I mean, he knows, of course, it's hard to hide but I … I don't want to talk about it."

"No, I understand," Adam assured him. "I wouldn't want to be treated like a patient in front of my friends either. As long as you show me that you took your medication, I won't say anything."

"Deal," Connor said, relieved. "Thanks."

"It's not a sleepover, though. You boys have school in the morning."

Connor rolled his eyes. "You know you can't keep me awake, Dad."

"I know," Adam chuckled slightly. "I'll be home in about three hours at the latest."

"Sounds good."

Connor hung up the phone and headed back to join Jude on the couch. Jude had his knees curled up to his chest and, to Connor, he looked a lot younger than they actually were. There was hope playing in his dark brown eyes but he looked as though he were scared to admit it.

"Dad said you can stay. I, uh, said your dad fell off a ladder so your mom had to stay at the hospital."

"Are you usually so good at lying?" Jude asked and that wasn't what Connor had been expecting to here.

Connor shook his head. Lying was not something that he would ever want to be good at it, despite that he sometimes tried. He _had_ made the conscious decision to try and lie to Jude, however he and Ms. Adams talked about it, but he had even failed at that. Jude knew he was sick – he did not, admittedly, know the whole story but he did know that Connor was sick – and Connor had never intended for Jude to know even that much. Despite how guilty he felt about it, Connor had been determined to keep that much to himself. Things, in the end, usually just ended up spilling out of him.

"It's kind of a miracle I thought about it," Connor finally said. "But, hey, you can stay and that's what matters."

"I'm going to have to meet your dad," Jude said, sounding sulky, and then he looked a little more optimistic. "I guess that's better than trying to sleep on a bench or something."

 _A bench?!_ From the look in Jude's face, Connor guessed that he probably slept outside before but Connor couldn't even fathom that. Wouldn't he be hungry? Wouldn't he be cold? Wouldn't he be _scared_?

"If it happens again, you can always come here, okay?" Connor said. "You're safe here."

Connor couldn't do much as a protector but he knew he'd do his best for Jude. His best friend didn't deserve the life he had, that was for sure.

"Thanks," Jude said, his eyes sliding to the side as Jellybean jumped up on the couch. "Could I read to you?"

"Do you really want to?"

"Yeah," Jude said. "I like reading to you."

"I told you that you'd like reading," Connor said.

Jude just shook his head. "That wasn't what I said."

Connor almost asked about what he meant but Jude leant over, opening his small bag. He lined the pocket dictionary, pens, and sticky notes along Connor's side of the coffee table and then he pulled his book into his lap.

"Crap, I lost my place. Do you remember where we were?"

"' _Give me those scissors,' Atticus said. 'They're no things to play with.'_ Just before chapter five."

Jude rolled his eyes at Connor and started flipping through the pages, looking for where they had left off. "You know, one of these days, I'm going to make you recite this to me."

"I can't even write an essay on it so clearly I don't know this book as well as I should."

"I thought you told me that you picked an essay topic."

"I did," Connor said. "How Lee uses word choice to evoke emotions. Which sounds really impressive but I have _no_ idea what to do with it and that makes it less impressive."

"You can pull something off," Jude said confidently.

"I guess so," Connor said but he didn't sound convinced. He nudged his shoulder against Jude's. "Thanks, though. Okay, time to read."

"Maybe I'll inspire you for your essay."

"Yeah, maybe," Connor mumbled, and then he let it. "Oh! I should note all the words I had to write down for you. That might give me a place to start."

"Whatever helps," Jude said, like he could deny Connor when Connor had done so much for him and he meant so much to him.

"Okay, read," Connor said. "That way I have more to work with … Also, I like listening to you read. I do. I promise."

Jude believed him, though he did laugh before running his finger down the page to find where they had left off. He cleared his throat, sounding out every word as he went, Connor correcting him along the way. By now, Jude could recognize the small 'uh' sound that Connor made when Jude did something wrong and he'd try to correct himself before Connor got the chance to. Sometimes, he'd get it wrong in two different ways but that hardly compared to how he felt when he got it right before Connor had to tell him so. By the time Connor's father arrived home he and Connor were playing Hangman.

Jude shut the notebook as soon as he heard the door open. He couldn't very well be Connor's friend from school if he wrote like a child. Not that he thought he looked like a typical Anchor Beach student and Jude felt certain that he didn't look like the type of friend Connor's father was expecting him to have. Butterflies erupted in his stomach. This was a bad idea. Connor's father wasn't going to like that Connor and Jude were friends. It could actually be the end of their friendship if Adam really didn't like him.

Not that Connor looked so concerned. He gestured for Jude to follow him into the kitchen.

"Hi, Dad. How was work?"

"Fine, fine." The man turned around. "Hi, I'm Adam."

Jude hesitantly stretched his hand out to shake Adam's, feeling intimidated. He wondered if that was how Adam wanted him to feel.

"I'm Jude," he finally said.

"Nice to meet you. I brought home chicken and some salads for dinner. I hope you like that."

Jude nodded, forcing himself to speak as Adam turned back to the grocery bags. "Yeah, sounds good. Um, thanks for letting me stay."

"You're welcome. Tell me more when you find out about your father."

"All right," Jude said.

"Connor, can you and Jude set the table and pour drinks?"

It was an easy enough task and before long they were seated at the small dining room table. Jude carefully took bites of his dinner, feeling like Adam was watching him, even though he knew it wasn't true. Every time he looked up from his plate, Adam was watching Connor. Which made a lot of sense, Jude supposed.

"So, what classes do you have together?" Adam asked.

"Just English," Connor replies.

"It's Connor's favourite class," Adam said, like Jude might not have known.

"I like drama too," Connor said.

"Do you like _To Kill A Mockingbird_?" Adam asked Jude and then he glanced at Connor. "You're still reading that, right?"

"It's the novel study for the term," Connor replied.

Adam nodded and turned his attention back to Jude.

"Oh, it's, um, my first time reading it," Jude said. "I've just been trying to keep up with the class."

"Connor and his mother love it," Adam said, "but I've always found it a hard book to get into – I've read it once or twice, you know. I like simple books, to be honest. There's a lot to that story."

"That's what I'm finding," Jude said, glad that he could connect with Adam on something. "But I really like that there's more than one thing going on. It feels like real life."

"That's a good point," Adam said. "But I think that I read things that don't remind me of real life."

"Except for you eight magazine subscriptions," Connor muttered. "And the newspaper."

"A person can't stick their entire head in the sand."

"Just half," Connor said and the bitterness in his tone caught Jude off guard.

"Jude, are you going to be able to stay with Connor while I attend my Christmas party? I know he was glad you were able to stay the weekend over Halloween."

Jude's stomach warmed. Connor had been glad he'd been over. Jude had known it, Connor had said it, but it was nice to have someone else acknowledge it.

"I liked staying over too," Jude said. "I think I'm allowed to stay over. I know that I want to."

"I hope you're able to," Adam said. "Connor spends enough time at home alone. I don't want to leave him –"

"Without a babysitter?" Connor interrupted.

"No, I just want you to stay alone overnight. You're still just fifteen, Connor. I'm sure Jude's mother doesn't want him staying home alone either."

Jude almost choked on his coleslaw. "My parents work a lot. They like me, um, out of the house, doing things."

Lying was so easy to do with other people. He had been honest with Connor for so long that he'd forgotten how to talk to other people. He was glad that the lies could still bubble up to his mouth easily and come out convincingly. He was also glad that Adam didn't seem to hate him – wasn't visibly glaring at him and hadn't kicked him out yet, at least. Jude was choosing to take all of the good signs that he could find.

"Well, that's a good attitude to have, I think. You should do more," Adam said, gesturing at Connor.

"Between tutoring and studying, what do you want me to do? I could get whacked in the head with a baseball bat."

"Sports don't always have to be violent."

"I'd be black and blue within the first five minutes," Connor said, rolling his eyes.

Jude forked his potato salad into his mouth, not wanting to get involved in the conversation and not wanting to think about Connor's bruises.

"How about chess club?"

Connor just snorted and Jude had to grin at that.

"I do enough, Dad!"

Adam didn't look convinced but he dropped the issue and Jude could breathe a little more easily. He didn't want to end up in the middle of a family fight. Or any fight. And he'd heard enough about Adam's ability to argue – he didn't want firsthand experience. Adam lapsed into asking Connor about his other classes. He peppered a few questions in for Jude but Jude could tell that he was really interested in getting the gist of his son's day and, so, Jude was able to get few words in, which he appreciated. When they were finished, he and Connor returned to the kitchen to clean up from dinner while Adam headed upstairs.

"He likes to read the newspaper after work, not in the morning," Connor said as he dropped pieces of chicken to Jellybean instead of putting it away. "He has a ritual. When he's reading the newspaper, I'm usually supposed to be doing homework."

"Do you have homework you should be doing?" Jude asked, putting the dishes in the dishwasher.

"Not really. Besides, I have a friend over. He can't make me do homework."

"Maybe he thinks we're going to be doing _our_ homework together, since, apparently, I have an English essay to do too now."

Connor was laughing at him. "Maybe I _should_ make you write an essay. You know, if I'm going to be the best tutor I can be."

"I would stop reading entirely," Jude said.

"Little reflections on each chapter? A hundred words or something. Playing Hangman isn't _really_ the best way the best way to work on your writing."

"I still can't make all the letters right!"

"I'm going to give you a notebook," Connor said. "You can practice writing. Think about trying to write something once a day – even if you just copy your favourite quotes from _Mockingbird_ or something. I think it'll help."

"Thank you for trying to help," Jude said. "I really do want to learn."

"I know. You probably would have told me to get lost long before now if you didn't."

"Or worse," Jude said.

"Or worse," Connor agreed. He finally put the excess food in the fridge and shut it. "Sorry, Jelly, you're pudgy enough. Come watch a movie with us."

Jude was happy to follow Connor back to the couch and try to find a movie. He wasn't used to the sound of Adam walking around above them, though, and he kept getting distracted by the sound of footsteps. Jude lived in the attic. He _was_ the footsteps overhead. He didn't like that the script had been flipped on him. They finished one movie and were halfway through a second one when Adam came downstairs.

"Don't stay up too late," he warned. "You have school tomorrow."

"We're just going to finish the movie," Connor replied. "We're not going to get into trouble, Dad."

"If you leave this house tonight, you're grounded for a month."

Connor leant back, shaking his head. "We're not going to get into any trouble. We're going to finish the movie. Stop being so paranoid. Everything's fine."

"All right, all right." Adam glanced at Jude. "I have to leave before you get up for school but it was nice meeting you. I hope your dad feels better soon."

"Uh, thanks and thanks again for letting me stay."

Adam smiled warmly at him. "Connor's friends are always welcome."

" _Friend_ ," Connor corrected, his voice low enough that Adam didn't respond but Jude grinned a little. _Friend._ He was _friend_.

"Goodnight, boys."

"Goodnight," they chorused.

Once Adam was gone, Connor nudged Jude.

"What?" Jude asked.

"Meeting my dad wasn't so scary, was it?"

"It wasn't as bad as it could have been," Jude admitted. "He seems … fine."

"Parents always do in front of other people," Connor joked. "But I think he does like you if it makes you feel any better."

It did, a little, but Jude didn't really want to admit it. He couldn't help but smile a little. If Connor's father liked him, then it really was okay for them to be friends. It didn't matter what kinds of differences they had, not to anyone but Callie, probably, but Callie had her own problems as suspicions and Jude knew that he couldn't hold those against her. He knew he should feel guilty about the way that Connor was curling up next to him but he couldn't. Inside this house, there was no one to spy, no one to care, and no one that would actually hurt them if they did happen to find them. He was comfortable as they finished the movie and headed up the stairs, Connor feeding Jellybean before they did. It was like when they had spent the weekend together and Jude remembered that routine well. He followed Connor into his room.

"Shut the door," Connor whispered, "Just most of the way so Jelly can get in and out."

Jude did as he was told. "Can I borrow pyjamas?"

Connor laid a set out on the bed and Jude changed quickly so that he could climb into bed, settling on the inside where he was comfortable. The door creaked as Jellybean made her way in, leaping up onto the bottom of the bed and nestling near Jude's feet. Connor was careful not to disturb her as he took his spot, pulling the blankets up around him.

"Goodnight, Jude."

"Goodnight," Jude whispered.

Connor fell asleep long before he did. It was one of those nights where Jude knew sleep wasn't going to come easily to him and he would have to fight to keep from tossing and turning. He'd wake Connor; he'd accidentally kick Jellybean. He didn't want to do either of those things. Jude just stared at the ceiling, trying not to let his mind wander too much in either direction. He didn't want to think of Callie; he didn't want to think of Connor. He didn't want to think of what his life was or could be. It was all too much to handle this late at night when he was up alone. But he was always up alone, wasn't he?

Something on Connor's nightstand vibrated. Jude slowly pushed himself up on his elbow to see that his phone was the one with a text message. Moving carefully and trying to track Connor's every move to make sure that he wasn't waking up. His phone in his hand, Jude settled back on the bed, opening the texts from Callie.

 **Jay: I'll be home with Nic tomorrow.**

 **Jay: I won't be able to stay for long but I'm going to make sure that you're safe**

 **Jude: CU soon**

 **Jay: Are you safe tonight?**

 **Jude: Yes.**

Callie didn't answer him again and so Jude put the phone back. He turned onto his side so that he was facing Connor. There was just enough light in the room for Jude to make out the basic shapes of his face and he couldn't help but lay there and stare.

He was with Connor; of course he was safe tonight.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Breathe**_ **by Rhodes; and** _ **Look After You**_ **by Aron Wright.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	15. Two Of Hearts

Jude woke as soon as he heard movement. Connor was still passed out next to him and Jellybean had migrated so that she was sleeping between their heads. He lifted his head off the pillow and realized that the sound was Adam moving around. It was hard to relax back into his spot, though, until he heard Adam leave for work. Jude didn't like feeling vulnerable; he didn't like hearing movement when he felt like he had nowhere to run. He knew how silly it was, especially since this was the place that he had run to instead of away from, but he couldn't help the way his stomach clenched or how he buried further underneath the blankets like they truly could protect him. When Adam was gone, he poked his head above the blankets, but nothing had changed. Jellybean's tail was resting under her nose; Connor's hand was stretched above his head, revealing the slightest bit of rash along the inside of his forearm.

Jude curled up on his side and pulled his knees up toward his chest. If Connor was going to sleep for a little while yet there was no good reason why Jude couldn't make the most of his morning. He thought that he should make some breakfast for the two of them; he thought that he should get going before he was more of a problem to Connor. Instead, he just wondered what it might be like to kiss Connor. He wanted to know what it would feel like if Connor's lips touched his. It would be his first kiss. It would be his first time wanting a kiss. Sure, Jude had glanced at strangers every so often as he walked by, head down, hands in his pocket. He knew there was a reason that his eyes followed boys his age instead of girls but he'd never said that aloud either. He had never let himself look or dwell. He had never let himself overstep the boundaries Callie or the people who had beaten him had placed upon him. Jude knew what and who he was and wasn't allowed in this life. It had been fine. Jude had thought that it would always be fine. But he had never counted on someone like Connor Stevens. Who would expect someone like Connor in their lives?

He stared until Connor's alarm went off and he was ashamed to admit he jumped as Connor just rolled over and slammed his head down on the snooze button. Like she was used to the routine, Jellybean stepped into Connor's open arms as he buried his face in the fur along her back.

"Morning, Jude," Connor murmured.

"Morning," Jude replied.

"Did you sleep okay?" Connor asked, peering up at Jude through Jellybean's dark fur.

"Better than I do at home," Jude said. "I like it here."

"I like when you're here too," Connor said, and then he yawned. "I wish dad would let me have coffee."

"He's not home, you could."

"Not supposed to," Connor said. "It's against the rules."

"And you always follow the rules?"

"One of us has to," Connor said with a yawn.

Jude wondered just how dangerous or just how much of a rebel that Connor thought he was. He was sure that he followed Callie's rules more closely than Connor followed any of his father's rules, but Jude could play along. Admittedly, he found it funny too. "There's such thing as being too much of a goody-two-shoes."

"That's why I have you," Connor said. "You keep me in line."

The second snooze went off and Connor sat up this time, turning the alarm off. Jellybean made a noise of annoyance as Connor pushed the blankets off himself. She purred happily as Connor padded out of the room. Jude thought he should follow him. He thought he should get out of bed too but he was comfortable where he was and he didn't think that Connor would think that he was a problem for wanting to not get out of bed. Connor walked in and out of his room to get clothes; Jude heard him brushing his teeth. He packed his bag and, still, Jude just rested there with Jellybean purring in his arms.

Connor put his bag on the end of the bed, sorting some of the books and binders from the top of his bookshelf into the bag. He pulled a key ring out of the side pocket and pulled one off, placing it on the nightstand. Jude just stared at him.

"I'm ready, you're not. If you want to hang out here until after school, that's cool. If not, just leave the key under the doormat so I can get back in, okay? You won't forget to lock up?"

"I won't," Jude said. "Your dad won't be home during the middle of the day?"

"No," Connor replied. "You saw how he was last night. He didn't really have time to talk. That's all day, every day. With the bus, I should be home by four."

"Okay," Jude said.

Connor put a notebook down next to the key. "For you."

"Thanks."

Connor slung his bag over his shoulder but lingered by his bedroom door. "Um, I … I hope you're still here when I get back."

"I'll text you," Jude said, thinking that he would be here. What was he going to do? Wait for Callie? He'd rather go home after she was already in the attic, texting him and wondering where the hell he was for the afternoon. Not that he would tell her where Connor lived. That was a secret that he wanted to keep from her. She could know that Connor existed but she couldn't know anything else. Jude just wanted to keep Connor all to himself, as crazy as he knew that was. Connor certainly saw that Connor saw more people a day than Jude did, by that logic, Connor belonged to more people, but, deep down, Jude still felt like Connor was _his_.

"Okay. I need something to do during school."

"You could study."

Connor grinned. "And _you_ could try to write my essay for me."

"I … I'll try to write something," Jude promised. It was the only thing he could give back to Connor for letting him stay over. All he could do was _try_ for his best friend. "I won't say that it's your essay."

"That's fair. See you, Jude."

"Bye," Jude said.

He listened to Connor rummage around in the kitchen – the shutting of a cupboard door and a clacking sound that Jude thought might be cat food. Then, the front door opened and closed, just as it had done with Adam, and Jude was alone with the cat. She didn't seem so offended that he was in her space and that they were going to spend the day together and so Jude flopped onto his back and closed his eyes. If Connor didn't mind, then he might just get another hour or two of sleep.

(-.-)

 **Connor: hey**

How many texts in a row was too annoying? Connor wasn't sure. He had sent Jude three so far but Jude hadn't answered him. It was nearly one in the afternoon and Connor couldn't imagine what Jude was doing that he couldn't answer. Unless something had gone wrong. Unless Jude had decided to go home and his guardian – his _sister_? – had decided to do something to him for spending the night at Connor's. Connor didn't think that was fair but what was he supposed to do about it? He hated feeling so helpless when it came to Jude. He hated not being able to help.

"Hey, Connor."

"Oh, hi, Daria."

"You haven't told me yes or no to my party yet? You lied to me when you said you'd talk to me on Monday. It's _way_ passed Monday."

"I know, I'm sorry."

She grinned at him, sliding her bright red headband a little further back on her head. Her curls barely shifted as she sunk into the empty chair at the lunch table Connor had chosen for himself. She leant on her hand and smiled; Connor could just stare at her. He didn't understand why she wanted him to go her Christmas party so bad. She had mentioned to him, in passing, about going to her parties before but never had she been so adamant that he show up. What was he supposed to do with that? What did she _want_?

"Are you coming?"

"I'll tell you in English."

"Last period," Daria said, like Connor didn't know when they had English. "I'll be waiting."

He watched her go, thinking that if Daria was a spider, he was the fly. Connor wasn't sure of a whole lot but he thought that he might be onto something when he thought about that. His phone buzzed in his hands.

 **Jude: Jelly and I wer asleep**

 **Connor: Oh. Good sleep?**

 **Jude: Yeah.**

 **Connor: so do you want to go to Daria's party?**

 **Jude: 4 a long time**

 **Connor: No. I just want to know what it's like. And drink a beer.**

 **Connor: I've never had a beer.**

 **Jude: k. Not 4 long.**

 **Connor: No. You know I turn into a pumpkin after midnight.**

 **Jude: u mean after 10**

 **Connor: Whatever**

He sat at his lunch table for the remainder of lunch, staring at his phone and grinning to himself as he messaged Jude back, glad for the little tidbits that Jude was telling him now that he knew that Jude wasn't suffering at home. Jude was making himself peanut butter toast; Jude and Jelly were watching daytime TV; Jude couldn't read with the TV going in the background, let alone attempt to write anything. He couldn't stay away from knowing about Jude – not through what was left of drama, or chemistry, or even though English, even though Daria was sitting on his desk before he even reached the classroom.

"My party?" she asked sweetly.

"Daria, we don't sit on desks in this room," Mrs. Saum called.

"Sorry, Mrs. Saum," Daria trilled but she didn't move.

"Can my friend still come?"

"Anyone can!" Daria promised with a smile. "As long as you come too."

"I will," Connor said. "I'll be there."

"Bring your Christmas spirit!"

" _Daria_ ," Mrs. Saum said firmly. "Take your seat."

Maddie and Taylor giggled and looked at Connor as Daria took her place with them. Connor wondered how he had ended up the one being laughed at and he self-consciously scratched at his arm. He wanted to be home and spending the day with Jude, listening to him talk about _Mockingbird_ , rather than hear his classmates banter about the use of the N-word, some of them taking delight in saying it when quoting the book – something else that Connor hated because he knew that they just wanted to say it without understanding _why_ it was used in the book. It wasn't a word that should be tossed around a classroom so easily but he guessed that was why the book had been banned in so many places. At least part of it.

He just wanted his classmates to understand words and why they were used. He knew he wasn't going to get his wish. He knew that no one else was putting in the effort that he had when it came to _Mockingbird_. Connor had been reading academic essays on the subject for a couple of years now. He knew that he had more of an understanding of the book than most of the people in his class were going to bother to reach for. He knew that it shouldn't bother him, but it did. And he knew that he was just going to keep getting more and more frustrated.

He was going to make sure that Jude understood the book from top to bottom. It was something that he texted Jude about while Mrs. Saum was writing on the board

 **Jude: Kudzu.**

 **Connor: what?**

 **Jude: In the book. I dont no that. I dont no meaning.**

 **Connor: Know**

 **Jude: thats my point**

Connor cracked a grin at that.

"Connor," Mrs. Saum called. "Is there something you'd like to share with the class?"

Connor tucked his phone between his legs and tried to smile as innocently as possible. "I think that Jason is really missing the point. When you boil _To Kill A Mockingbird_ down to its most basic elements, what you really get is the evolution of Scout and Jem into adults. Not the literal sense, of course, but at the beginning of the book, everything is so black and white for Scout and, by the end, she – and Jem – see the grey area in the world. Jason's claim that there is no change in any of the characters from beginning to end is completely off-base."

"Very good, Connor," Mrs. Saum said, while Connor heard the whisper of _"Fucking nerd_ " come from behind him. He didn't even bother to listen to those claims anymore. He knew it was true, more or less, but he also knew that nothing but words could come of it, and what were words going to do to him? He had lived through the words of his mother's death and he had lived through the words of his diagnosis. There weren't any words left in the world that could hurt him now.

And _nothing_ was going to hurt him now that the final bell was ringing.

Connor left school quickly, catching the school bus instead of the transit bus that he ended up taking when he had his meetings with Ms. Adams. With no middle school kids and no elementary school kids on the bus, Connor sat in the front, right behind the driver. He took his hand sanitizer out of his bag, using it liberally until he was off the bus and didn't have to touch anything else that had been touched by at least a hundred hands before his. Even though he had just gotten a text from Jude saying that he was still at Connor's, Connor still nudged the welcome mat out of the way to make sure that there was no key underneath. He tried the doorknob but it was locked and, so, he knocked on his own front door.

Jude cracked it open within seconds. "Sorry. I'm kind of paranoid."

Connor shrugged it off. "I always lock the door when I'm home alone. No big deal."

Jude shut and locked the door behind him. "What did you do at school?"

"Nothing interesting. I talked to Daria about her party."

"Which we're going to."

"Which we're going to this _weekend_ ," Connor said.

"Right."

"You can bail if you want to but I hope you don't."

"Nothing ever goes wrong at parties," Jude said sarcastically. "Besides, we don't have to stay there the entire time, right?"

"Right. Like I said, I want to just go for a little while. I've never been to a party and I want to have a drink. I just want to know what it's like and I want you to come with me. I don't want to go alone."

Jude followed Connor into the living room as he put his bookbag down by the couch.

"You aren't alone at parties."

"Have you been to parties? I know you haven't drank before or anything but –"

"I have no friends. No, parties happen at my house a lot but it's not like I'm ever invited. I just have to listen to everything going on. My guardian …" Jude sighed and flopped down on the couch. "My sister has to go. She used to tell me things."

"Not anymore?"

"She should know about me and my life but the less that I know about her, the less that'll happen to me in the long wrong."

Connor had to bite his tongue to keep from asking questions. He knew that Jude wouldn't like it.

"See, our first party. Better together, right?"

At least his words got Jude to smile and not look like he was going to bite his head off for saying them. Jude leant his head on the back of the couch.

"If it's bad …"

"We'll leave. Just … one hour. See what it's like. No one will know you. I can tell everyone your name is Smith if you want."

"No," Jude said but he looked amused by the thought. "Smith is a weird first name. It would stand out."

"Okay, okay. I can just call you 'Jay'."

"I think … I think I'd like that," Jude said. "Um but we'll talk more about it before we go, right? I'll come over here first?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'll text you when Dad leaves and then you can come over whenever you want."

"Does Daria live far?"

Connor frowned. "No, I don't think so. I've never been to her house. I guess I should ask directions at some point."

Jude laughed at him. "Yeah, maybe, unless you just want to wander the streets and get lost for a while."

"We've spent the day like that before. It makes for a good day."

Jude nodded. "Can I show you what I wrote today?"

Connor was caught slightly off-guard by the change of topic but he nodded. "Yeah. Did you do a lot?"

Jude shook his head and reached across the coffee table to pick up the notebook that Connor had left him and opened to the first page.

"I, um, did the alphabet a couple of times and then I copied down the first page of _To Kill A Mockingbird_. I didn't know what to write on my own. I hate how my writing looks," Jude confessed.

Connor skimmed the page. "You know, everyone has to go through this and it's not as bad as you think it is."

"I can't stay on the line and capital 'G's' are stupid," Jude complained.

"Just wait until we move onto cursive."

Jude hid his face in a pillow. "That will make me hate you."

Jude's muffled voice didn't offend Connor in the slightest.

"Come on. We're not going to start now. You're going to get good at this and it's all going to be easy. You might even find that you're a scholar."

Jude snorted. "Me? No, never. Nope."

"I thought you liked reading now."

"No," Jude corrected, lifting his head. His hair was mussed and Connor wanted to fix it. "I like that I _can_ now."

"Don't you think that you're going to see everything like that?"

"I'm not going to say you're right."

"I am," Connor said. "No, it does look really good. I promise. You're just going to get better."

Jude hugged the pillow to his chest. "So, what are we going to do now?"

"I have to work on my essay," Connor said. "I need to have a full draft due for peer review soon. You can hang out if you want to. I don't know when you want to go home."

"I don't want to go home," Jude said. "You have cable and I like that."

Connor just grinned like he really did believe that was the only reason that Jude wanted to stick around the house. He knew that it had something to do with him but he didn't want to sound too arrogant by pointing it out. Jude could be temperamental about things like that and Connor didn't want to see him go sweeping out the door because Connor was much happier when Jude was around. He wasn't scared to admit that at all. He went to fetch his laptop and then he sat at the coffee table with it while Jude stretched out along the couch.

"The TV won't bother you, will it?" Jude asked.

"No," Connor said, thinking that Jude was too selfless. "I like having background noise."

"Jellybean meowed at me and it took me, like, five minutes to start writing again," Jude said. "It's hard for me to even write and think which sucks because writing takes thought."

"But you're working on it still and that's the important part."

Jude gently nudged his shoulder. "Like you're not working on your essay. Come on. I should be home by six or she'll be mad that I disappeared for so long."

"I'll see you soon."

"I know," Jude said. "That's the good part. Okay, write your essay. You can read it to me later."

"You're my favourite mother hen, you know that?"

"Shut up."

Connor opened his essay but he couldn't concentrate on it for several minutes – not because of the movie that Jude had found but because he couldn't keep himself from tilting his to look at his best friend.

(-.-)

"Where have you been?"

"I told you, I stayed at my friend's house, you know, since he lives in a safe place."

Jude sank onto his and Callie's ratty couch. Connor's couch wasn't comfortable but it was more than their threadbare third-hand couch. Or maybe Jude just wanted to be bitter, maybe it would help him feel better about how much Jude would rather be there. Admittedly, it had nothing to do with the couch and everything to do with how Connor's voice sounded as he tried to read his essay out, stuttering and stopping as he went through his editing, his laptop and arm leaning on Jude's legs.

Callie took a seat on the other end of the couch, shoving Jude back to his side. He curled his legs up, wrapping his arms around himself and staring at her.

"Nic will be here, Nic won't let anyone near you. He knows that if he doesn't keep you safe then I have nothing left to lose."

"Maybe he'll kill you too."

"Maybe. Maybe … Maybe there's more going on than you know," Callie said. "I love you, Jude."

"I love you too."

"I stopped by the fast food place and there's burgers in the fridge for the next few days, okay?"

Jude nodded. "When are you leaving again?"

"Not until tomorrow. I'll be here tonight. Maybe you can show me some of that book that you've been so wrapped up in."

Jude just shrugged. "Maybe. Um, I need … something."

"What do you need?"

"Money," Jude said, realizing that it was the one thing that Callie couldn't consistently give.

"How much?"

"Just a little. I don't want to have to steal Christmas stuff this year."

Callie frowned, clearly thinking. "Well, it might mean that I take the money for your phone bill and give it to you in cash but that means you won't have your phone from December twentieth to January twentieth. I know you just got it and I don't know if that's a sacrifice you want to make."

"That's okay," Jude said quickly. "Just for one month?"

"Mhm. Okay, I can do that for you," Callie agreed. "What do you want for Christmas?"

"New pants. I'm getting too tall for my jeans."

"You always want clothes."

"And Christmas breakfast."

"Always," Callie said. "Always, always."

"What do you want for Christmas?" Jude asked. It was always hard for him to try and think of things. Usually he wandered in and out of stores until he found something that he thought she might like. It wasn't the most effective way of doing things.

"It's the thought that counts," Callie said being unhelpful. She swept her short hair behind her ears. "I'll be happy no matter what."

Jude would love to see Callie happy. Really, actually happy. He didn't know if he had ever seen it. If he had, it was so long ago that he didn't remember it at all. It was always the goal of Christmas for him. He would make her smile. It was hard to do but it was the one thing that Callie deserved it was to smile more than she did.

"I'll figure it out," Jude said confidently.

"I know you will." Callie rested her head against the side of the couch. "I think I have to go take a nap. Keep it down."

Jude nodded and watched her go into their room. Like he ever made an noise. Like he was the ever the disturbance. He slowly opened his bag and pulled out his playing cards, watching the novel, notebook, dictionary, and all of the pens and sticky notes he had acquired rattle around the bottom of the bag. He hoped that Callie forgot about asking about the novel. He didn't want to share it.

He didn't want to share any part of Connor with anyone.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Traveler**_ **by Lostboycrow; and** _ **My Aim Is You**_ **by Nikola Sarcevic.** __

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	16. Ten Of Diamonds

"Are you feeling okay?"

Connor nodded. "A little wiped out."

Adam pressed his hand to Connor's forehead and Connor resisted the urge to pull away and turn over in bed. Adam was just trying to take care of him. That was what fathers were for.

"Dr. Meyer wants to run more tests. She's got concerns."

"Let me guess," Connor murmured, "it's all uphill from here?"

"You could be a stand-up comedian," Adam said flatly. "Maybe I shouldn't go to this party if you're this sick."

"I'm going to be fine. I've done this before." Connor forced himself to sit up, creaking like an old man. "Besides, you like the party. How are you going to flirt with that secretary if you don't go?"

"Connor!"

"Kendra? Kasey? Am I hot or cold?"

"Connor Stevens!"

Connor was just glad that his father was successfully distracted. Adam didn't go into much detail about work – there was more that they had to discuss than that – but the few times that he managed to get his father to talk about his job, the secretary at the main desk of the building always came up in conversation. He had never pointed out to his father that he realized it probably meant something – he hadn't wanted to end up in that conversation and neither did his dad. He still didn't like to think about the fact that his father was going to move on from his mother but the more Connor's concerned Connor's doctor became, the more Connor realized that he wanted his father to have someone else. Right now, all that Adam had was he and Jellybean and Connor knew that Jellybean couldn't live forever either.

" _Katrina_ is a nice work friend to have," Adam said. "Don't you concern yourself with that."

"Come on, Dad. You'll have fun with your friends and I'll have fun with mine. Jude's smart enough to call 911."

"I think you've said that before."

"Well, it's still true," Connor said. He slid to the side of the bed and stood up, even though his legs felt weak. "I'm okay. See? You've got nothing to worry about. We were fine on Halloween."

"I know. I just want to worry about you for as long as I can."

Connor tried not to read too much into that. He walked across his bedroom floor and headed downstairs.

"Come on. Let's have breakfast."

He heard his father follow him down the stairs and Connor poured cereal into a bowl. They went through the motions of the morning routine and Connor tried to pretend that Adam wasn't staring at him in concern. His father was going to his party so that Connor could get away with going to his. He kept his mouth shut and, finally, Adam had a small overnight bag packed.

"I don't feel right leaving you. Not with your health."

"I'm not about to die," Connor said. "Plus, you know, you'll probably end up glued to my side so we might as well have fun while we can."

"Call me about anything. I'm not the far away. I can be home in less than thirty minutes. Nothing is too trivial."

"I'm fifteen, Dad."

"You're not an adult yet. Are you sure Jude's parents are fine with you two staying alone?"

"You are," Connor snorted, dodging the question. "Go. You don't want to be late for Krystal."

"Katrina."

Connor smirked. "I knew that."

Adam shook his head. "I love you, Connor."

"Love you too, Dad."

"Do not forget your meds! Send me proof you took them!"

"I will!" Connor promised, and then he shut the door behind Adam.

His father wasn't even completely out of the driveway when Connor sent a text to Jude to start get on a bus. He was glad that Jude replied quickly that he was on his way. Connor was just excited. It was his first party. He wasn't sure what to expect or would it would be like. He had stories about what Daria's parties were like and they sounded like they were straight out of a movie – nearly every went, there was drinking everywhere and, sometimes, there was sex. The girl at the table in front of Connor in chemistry claimed she'd had sex in Daria's parents bed at Daria's back to school party. Connor wasn't sure whether or not he believed her but he wouldn't doubt that it had happened. Daria seemed to be one of the only people in the school that could get away with throwing a party like that and so everyone tried to turn up with the worst behaviour when Daria announced that they were going to party.

Connor was glad that he would get to go at least once and he was glad that Jude was going to be with him. He wouldn't be able to brave it alone. He would be too worried about what people might be thinking about him or what they might say to him. When Jude was around, Connor didn't have to think about that. He knew that there was someone there that wasn't judging him and who just genuinely cared about him and having that one person was enough. Jude was more than enough.

Jellybean in his arms, Connor leapt from the couch when he heard a knock on the door. He was quick to unlock it and let Jude in. Jude kicked off his ratty sneakers and Connor noticed that there was a new tear in the knee of the black jeans that Jude seemed to favour. There were red lines where the remaining threads had cut into his kneecap but Jude didn't seem to mind. He rubbed Jellybean's ears and went to turn into the kitchen.

"Do you mind? I'm hungry."

Jude being hungry would never surprise Connor. "Go ahead. I feel like I just ate though."

"Okay," Jude said. "As long as you don't mind."

"Nah."

Connor let Jellybean leap from his arms and he followed Jude into the kitchen. Jude looked comfortable as he put slices of bread into the toaster and dug in the cupboard for peanut butter.

"How's home been?" Connor asked.

"Same old, same old. She's gone again but things have been as quiet as they get around the place."

"Did you tell her you're here?"

"Yeah. After I couldn't go home, she got more comfortable with the idea that I'm safe here. She still doesn't like you."

Connor couldn't help but feel a little offended. "She doesn't even know me."

"It's the idea of you. I thought I told you that. She'd be fine with you if you were a girl."

Connor nodded as Jude turned around to spread peanut butter over his toast. Before he turned around, Connor tried to get his expression back under control. There were parts of him that Jude wanted to hide and it was hard to make that sit right with him, no matter how much he understood Jude's reasons. All because someone had decided who Jude was and now Jude couldn't be himself and neither could anyone else around him. It was a hard thing for Connor to be mad about but it made him wonder. It made him wonder who Jude really was. It made him wonder who Jude would be without that. He could never ask – he knew how Jude would shut down – but he wanted to know everything about Jude and it was difficult knowing he'd never get to know that part of him.

"How was school yesterday?"

"School's fine. I, um, I ended up telling Ms. Adams that we were going to Daria's party."

"What did she say?"

"She's not going to tattle to Dad but she gave me her cell phone number in case something went wrong."

"Do teachers do that? That seems weird."

Jude sat at the chair next to Connor, licking peanut butter from his fingers.

"She's not my teacher. And I know I'm different. I'm not going to use it but I think it was nice. She knows kids drink there."

"I'm too scared to get drunk," Jude said.

"I told Daria that I only wanted two bottles of beer. She kind of made fun of me for it. She said the point was to get drunker than that but we agreed we're not going to stay long, right? One bottle each that's not going to get us drunk, is it?"

"I don't know. I think that's the part that scares me." Jude frowned at his toast. "We won't be separated, right? I hate the thought of being surrounded by people I don't know."

"That's why I said I'd go only if you did. The point is to hang out with _you_."

That made Jude smile.

"It's two stops on a bus. We won't be far and then we'll come back here and watch a movie. Dad won't be home until, like, three tomorrow so we've got more than enough time to pretend like we didn't do anything."

"You can't get me into trouble."

"I'm not a trouble maker!"

Jude laughed and rolled his eyes. "Yeah but if the cops show up, I'm throwing _you_ under the bus."

"I understand, Mr. Smith," Connor said, and Jude smiled and looked sad at the same time. "I've never heard of Daria's parties getting busted up by the cops but if it happens, I'll just meet you here?"

"Sure," Jude agreed.

Connor felt a rush. It was probably the most disobedient thing he had ever done. The cops might catch them! He knew they likely wouldn't – that there wouldn't really be anything bad besides a little underage drinking which _everyone_ did – but it still made his heart race a little to think about it. Jude didn't look like he was experiencing the same thing. Jude seemed to spend his life looking over his shoulder. Connor couldn't imagine that he was excited over the prospect of having to do it again. It was why Connor was glad to know that Daria's parties, while wild, didn't usually get that out of hand. It did make Connor want to know what Jude was running from but, like with a lot of other things, Connor could sense he wasn't going to get that story.

He didn't ask. Connor had made the decision that if he was going to keep his secrets, Jude could keep his.

They spent most of their afternoon on the couch. Jude read to him and then they continued on with their routine of watching a movie. They were only interrupted when Connor's phone beeped.

"Your dad?" Jude guessed.

"Daria," Connor replied. "She asked for my number in case we got lost or something. She's asking when I'm coming over."

"Did you tell her you were bringing me?" Jude asked and Connor thought he sounded really defensive.

"Of course! I thought I told you I asked her if you could come."

"Oh, maybe," Jude murmured and he blushed slightly. "I'm going to stick out, you know? I was looking at people at your school when I came to meet you there."

"You don't have to blend in."

"You blend in," Jude said.

"Yeah and you thought that I was a jerk." Jude's blush deepened. "When, really, you were the jerk."

"Hey! I – What?! I was _never_ a jerk to you."

"You were so rude to me when I picked up your cards off the floor."

"You were …." Jude looked frustrated as he looked for a word. "Arrogant!"

"Arrogant?"

"Yes!" Jude's eyes were wide as he stared at Connor and crossed his arms over his chest. "If I was rude, you deserved it."

"You were rude because you already decided I was a jerk." Jude didn't refute Connor's words but his expression soured. "It's okay. I forgive you."

"I did nothing for you to forgive!" Jude said haughtily and then he broke down laughing. "It's okay, I'll forgive you."

"Jude!"

"Connor!"

Jude crossed his arms over his chest and Connor knew that neither of them were going to give in and so he was the one that looked away first. He could give in to Jude.

"Anyway, she said any time between eight and nine. She said that's when most people would be coming over."

His phone chimed again.

"What now?" Jude asked.

"She said that we could come by earlier if we wanted to but I don't really want to. The middle is the fun part, right?"

"I guess so," Jude said. "Not that we'd know."

Connor could only agree with that. That was the whole reason that they were going.

"Want to leave now? We can go get burgers or something on the way?" Jude glanced at him and Connor realized his mistake. "Right, no burgers. Tacos?"

"We don't have to go out."

"Kind of do," Connor said. "There's no food, really. Dad left us pizza money. We can actually go get pizza if you'd rather have that."

"Whatever you want," Jude said. "It's your dad's money."

"You can decide on the bus," Connor said. "Come on, let's go."

He wasn't sure if Jude would actually follow him but Jude was right behind him as Connor topped up Jellybean's food and water. They tugged on their shoes in sync, wandering out the door. They bantered back and forth about what they were going to eat and which place they were actually going to go to. Connor felt like it was going to be a good night and he felt like he had lucked out on that. It was a good enough night that he and Jude walked to get tacos and ate and walked over to Daria's and Connor felt very little pain. There was always some pain, of course: his clothes rubbing his rash or his joints aching or sometimes his insides decided to hurt for no good reason. But, tonight, it was at a minimum and Connor had no way of knowing whether he would ever feel so good again.

"This is Daria's street," Connor announced and Jude looked nervous. "If you really don't want to go, now's the time to tell me."

"I'm going," Jude said. "I said I would. _But_ this is probably the last time you'll convince me to do something like this."

It was probably the last time that Connor would get to try to convince him, either. He casually nudged Jude's arm with his own. "Deal."

Jude seemed satisfied with that.

Connor didn't need to double check the address as they headed to the end of the road. He could hear music coming from inside and, when he got around the long side of the hedges, Connor could see a few of his classmates on Daria's sprawling front lawn. Jude fell into step just behind him as they walked through the front door. The music grew louder and the heat from inside threatened to overwhelm Connor. It seemed that their entire grade, and some above and below, had appeared at Daria's for the night. He felt Jude's hand grip the side of his shirt as they worked their way through the crowd. He found Daria, sitting on her living room couch, holding court with Taylor and Maddie, as she normally was. As soon as she saw Connor, she was on her feet, wearing heels and a dress that never would have been allowed inside of Anchor Beach.

Looking at her, Connor felt as out of place as Jude had probably expected to. He was just wearing jeans and a t-shirt with a plaid button-up over top of it. He was dressed exactly how he would be if he were going to school. He hadn't thought that Daria's Christmas party was anything to get dressed up for but, clearly, he was the only one that thought that. The girls were all over-dressed and even the boys were wearing nicer jeans and clean shirts. Even Jude looked more put together: at least he looked like he intended to look like a devil-may-care rebel.

"Connor! You're here!"

Daria hugged him exuberantly which Connor chalked up to the smell of alcohol already on her breath. She _never_ would have touched him if they were just at school.

"I have your beer!" she loudly announced.

"Thanks. Um, this is my friend, Jay. I told you he was going to come with me."

Daria barely spared Jude a glance. "I hope you have fun. It's Christmas-themed. Be careful, you never know who you're going to end up under the mistletoe with!"

Daria smiled at him but Connor just laughed.

"I don't think it's a mistletoe night for me."

Daria grabbed his hand. "I'll show you where your beer is."

Connor made sure he had a hold on Jude for when Daria started yanking him through the crowd. Connor wanted to shake her off, knowing that her fingers were going to end up bruising him – there was no reason that she should be holding him that tightly. They made it through the living room and into the kitchen. People were sitting up on the counters and Connor nodded at them, but Daria continued through the kitchen and into a mudroom. That was completely devoid of people but for the three of them.

"The beer people paid for is in here." Daria opened an old fridge at the back. "Yours are the ones in the door. There's some freebies in the kitchen, though, in case this runs out. You didn't get very much."

"We're probably not going to stay that long," Connor said. Or he tried to say so, at least. Daria brushed him off.

"I'll see you soon, okay? Maddie's having a boy crisis. There's a bottle opener on top of the fridge!"

Connor waited until the mudroom door swung shut behind her before he turned to gauge Jude's reaction. It didn't surprise Connor at all that Jude just laughed.

"I really don't fit in here."

Neither did Connor but that was why he assumed he clicked so well with Jude.

"Daria's … the most dramatic of the queen bees," Connor said. She wasn't a bad person and he didn't want to make it out like she was but there were things that could be said about her.

"She looks it." Jude stuck his hands in his pockets and glanced at the fridge. "Should we try beer?"

Connor nodded and he pulled out the two bottles. He put one in Jude's hand and then he reached on top of the fridge until his fingers found the bottle opener. He took Jude's bottle top off first but Jude waited until Connor had his beer open too before they took their first sips. Connor's first reaction was that he didn't think he liked it. It was nothing like what he expected it to taste like. His father had always seemed to _like_ his beer but Connor really didn't see what there was to like about it. At least he didn't think that he was pulling the same kind of face that Jude was pulling.

"Why do people drink this?" Jude demanded and he held the bottle at arm's length so that he could squint at it. "Do you like it?"

"No," Connor said but he took a second sip, just to make sure that he still felt the same about it.

He did.

Jude sniffed the top of his bottle and took another drink, grimacing again.

"Are you going to finish it?" Connor asked, even though they had barely started.

"I'm going to try. Maybe you get used to it as you go."

"Let's head out, though. Maybe if there's more distractions then we won't think about how it tastes."

"I guess it can't hurt."

Jude cracked the door open and they stepped out into the kitchen. The music wasn't really as loud there and so that was where people were standing to talk. Connor didn't want to get caught up in the swell of conversation and he knew that Jude would absolutely hate it and so he headed back into the living room, where the music was loudest and his classmates were dancing, cups and bottles in their hands as they cheered, the walls seeming to shake with their excitement. Connor took another drink and let the mob consume him, turning around to make sure that Jude was right there. Jude was close to his side – the only time that he was closer was when Connor laid on him. He watched Jude choke down another drink, part of it dribbling from the corner of his mouth when someone hit his back and knocked him into Connor. Connor caught him and kept him close, like Jude was the one that needed protection when Connor knew that no one around him was thinking of him as the sick kid and was bumping into him like he was anyone else. He was going to be black and blue by morning. Maybe even by the time that he and Jude got home.

The music was almost hypnotic and the closer that Connor got to the end of his drink, the more that it felt that way. Daria was bumping her hip against his side when Jude gestured to Connor, whispering heavily in his ear.

"I need to find a bathroom."

Connor bent to Daria and she swung her thick, curly hair over her shoulder.

"Bathroom?"

"Upstairs." She looked cross, like that wasn't what she wanted to hear.

Connor couldn't help her and so he turned his back on her, placing his hands on Jude's back to get him out of the crowd of dancers. There seemed to be people _everywhere_ and it took more than a moment of wandering and tripping over people for Connor to find a staircase. They headed up it and that was when Connor realized that he was feeling dizzy and light-headed. Was this drunkenness?

"You feel okay?" he asked Jude.

"My fingers feel fuzzy," Jude complained and Connor laughed.

Jude's cheeks were also flushed but that could have been the heat from dancing. Connor tripped over his feet as they hit the upstairs hallway, catching himself on Jude and the wall.

"Did you finish your beer?" Jude asked.

Connor looked at his bottle. There was the tiniest bit left and so he lifted it to his lips and took the last trickle.

"Yeah."

"Me too."

Connor put the bottle down on the top of the steps.

"Hey, did you see how much mistletoe is in this hallway?" Jude asked, taking a step away from Connor while looking up. He stretched up on his toes, like he could reach it, even though that was an impossibility. "Who decorated?"

"Daria. She said there was mistletoe."

Connor shuffled forward, feeling like he wanted to be moving forward but feeling like he hadn't given himself the command to go.

Jude was laughing. "This is so over the top, you know? I didn't think parties were like this."

"Me either, really."

Connor was standing right in front of Jude but Jude hadn't taken his eyes off the mistletoe; he was still laughing at it.

"There's curled gold streamers! Connor, I don't understand!"

It was such a trivial thing to be consumed by but it made Jude's fixation all the funnier to Connor.

"You don't understand mistletoe!? What kind of place do you live in?"

Jude shoved him, a little too strong for how gentle Jude usually was with him but Connor knew that he weaved too much with the motion.

"I know what mistletoe's for!"

They were close again, closer than Jude usually let him get.

"Then you know it means a kiss."

Connor hadn't been sure that he was going to do it and he hadn't been sure that Jude was going to let him do it but Jude tilted his head to the side and Connor's mind and heart were both whispering at him to just go for it and so he did. He kissed Jude, while his palms felt sweaty and his cheeks felt flushed and his heart was hammering faster than it ever had. He was surprised at how kissing felt. It was a lot better than beer. It was a million times better than anything Connor had felt before. Jude's hands grabbed the front of Connor's shirt and was pulling him closer and so Connor gave in. He threw his arms around Jude's neck and tilted his head, his fingers sliding through Jude's blue hair. Jude's arms were tight around his ribs, as if Connor could have breathed anyway. As if he could do anything but get lost in the moment of thinking that he was having his first kiss and that he was lucky enough to have his first kiss with Jude.

And then it was all over.

Jude pushed him away, a horrified look on his face and then he turned in a circle, rushing into the bathroom. The sound of the door slamming shut reverberated through Connor's bones and he backed up until he hit the wall and then he slid down to the floor, his fingers touching his lips. His whole body was tingling; he felt like he had been set on fire but, this time, it was in the good way. He had kissed Jude and it was all-consuming. And hard to believe. And he didn't know what Jude was going to do when he came out of the bathroom.

If he came out and hadn't figured out a way to scale out the bathroom window and down to the ground. He sat there until the door cracked open and Jude looked out, staring at Connor. Connor shrugged, not sure what to say and not sure what Jude was feeling.

"Let's go," Jude said and he didn't sound like anything. He didn't sound happy and he didn't sound mad and he didn't sound at all like Jude ever had before, so Connor didn't know what to do.

So, Connor just nodded and pushed himself off the floor. As he followed Jude down the stairs, he thought that he should say goodbye to Daria but that thought was gone almost as soon as it occurred. He would see her on Monday and it was more important to him to know what was going on with Jude. Connor stuck his hands in his pockets and regretted forgoing a sweatshirt as he followed Jude outside. There were still people smoking on the lawn and they'd now been joined by several couples who were making out. Connor tried not to enviously stare at them while his lips flamed. He had kissed Jude. Jude had kissed him back. Connor knew that. He wasn't so naïve to believe differently.

But Jude had pushed him away too.

Connor wasn't sure what to make of any of it and Jude certainly wasn't talking to him about it. Jude walked right by the bus stop and down the street. Connor stretched his legs out and kept pace with him, curling his hands into fists as he walked. Jude wouldn't look at him but he made sure that he wasn't outrunning Connor and Connor chose to take that as a good sign. Jude wasn't running back to his house. He had said _'let's go'_. Wherever Jude was going, he wanted Connor there. Connor, at the least, was choosing to believe that.

He was out of breath by the time that they got to Connor's front door. Jude stood awkwardly by as Connor unlocked it and they headed inside. Connor locked the door behind him, noticing that Jude didn't kick his shoes off like he had earlier. Had Connor ruined their friendship? Had Connor lost his only friend?

"Jude –"

Jude held his hand up. "We should just go up to bed."

"Can we talk about it? I don't know what to think."

"Me either," Jude whispered. "Let's go upstairs, okay? I'm not going anywhere. I said I'd stay with you tonight."

His heart falling in his chest, Connor followed Jude up to his own room. He got ready for bed slowly, only turning around to face his friend when he was sure Jude was in his own pyjamas. Jude sat on the end of Connor's bed.

"Okay, listen. Connor, I … I'm your friend. Even without the things that happened to me, that's all I would ever want to be for you. I know who you are and that's f-fine but that's not … me. That's you. I'm your friend. I'm still going to be your friend but you have to promise me that something like that isn't going to happen again. I can't have someone see it and I … I wouldn't want it to happen."

"I understand," Connor murmured and he tried to make himself louder as he said. "I'm sorry, Jude. I guess I got caught up."

Jude nodded and then he crawled onto his side of the bed. It wasn't late but Connor was tired and it had been a long day. He turned out the bright light and then crawled into bed next to Jude, turning his back on him and facing the outer part of his room. Stupid! He was so stupid! To do something so impulsive and drive a wedge between he and Jude! Connor felt the bump of Jellybean jumping onto the bed and, just like he hoped she would, she walked up the length of his body and snuggled into his arms. Connor hid his face down into the fur along her back, letting tears roll down his cheeks and into her purring body.

He had never thought about how much it would hurt to be rejected until it actually happened.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Side By Side**_ **by Sleeping At Last; and** _ **There Is A Dark Place**_ **by Tom Rosenthal.** __

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	17. Ace Of Hearts

Jude woke up first and he just stared at the ceiling. Connor had kissed him! Connor had kissed him and Jude had kissed him back and _oh God._ He still could hardly believe that it wasn't a dream. Whenever he thought of it, and he had spent all night thinking of it, his heart still beat out of his chest and he felt like he was going to explode from the need to smile. But he wasn't allowed to smile. He wasn't allowed to ever do it again, no matter how many times he was going to think about it. The exact thing that Jude wanted most had happened to him and he had to turn his best friend away. He had to close his eyes to chances and could-be's because they _couldn't_ be.

But they had been so close.

Jude could still taste Connor's lips, still feel how Connor's body fit in his arms, and he wanted to kiss a boy again. His boy. _Connor_. Connor was his as much as he wasn't. Jude felt tears well up in his eyes and he pushed his feelings away. He didn't like boys and Connor was his friend and Jude had to believe the lies that he told himself. It was the way to survive. A way to get through the day. He couldn't let himself be teased by hope and promise. He couldn't lose his head over a boy kissing him, even though the boy kissed him so well and Jude would have sold a kidney to be able to do it again.

Breathing today was so much harder compared to yesterday.

It shouldn't be. Jude had always known what he could and couldn't be. It was supposed to be easy to focus on everything that he was gaining versus everything that he might be losing. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. There wasn't supposed to be Connor. He wasn't supposed to do this to himself. Yet here he was and he couldn't take it back. He couldn't regret it, either. But it hurt. Nothing could make him turn his back on Connor now but he wished that he could take back what he said last night about just wanting to be friends. He had worried about whether or not Connor liked him back; he had worried about whether or not Connor could tell he had a crush. Everything seemed so futile now. Connor had kissed him first. Jude could have the boyfriend that he wanted but he couldn't say it. He couldn't put himself in the spotlight like that; he couldn't put Callie in that position. She barely tolerated the fact that Jude had Connor as a _friend_. If she had any good reason to suspect more, he would never see Connor again. She would keep him locked up in their room because he would have proven that he couldn't follow the rules.

Jude sat up slowly but Connor didn't move. Above Connor's head, Jellybean stared at him judgementally. It was like she knew he was a liar. It was like she knew he had hurt Connor. She probably _did_ know. Jude carefully moved off the end of the bed. Connor didn't even shift. Connor wouldn't notice he was gone. Connor probably would never forgive him for turning him down last night. Connor could probably tell that Jude had lied to him. He'd probably be mad at that too.

Jude got dressed, barely making a sound. He had gotten good at being quiet and being invisible. It wouldn't be hard to go back to that. No. That was a lie. It _would_ be hard to go back to it. It didn't mean that he _couldn't_. He could. That didn't mean he wanted to. He didn't want to. Jude's head was swimming as he packed up his pyjamas in his bag and picked it up, creeping down the stairs. He paused in the living room. He didn't want to go. He didn't want to sneak out like that but it was probably best. He should have left last night and given them space then but Jude was selfish and it hadn't been what he wanted. He'd wanted to sleep next to Connor. He'd wanted to stay close, reliving their kiss and trying to hold his breath to keep from reaching for Connor.

Jude opened his bag and looked down at the novel. Should he leave it? Would that be too final? If he did, Connor might think that Jude never wanted to speak to him again and that wasn't the case. Jude just thought that maybe they shouldn't spend so much time together. He wanted to pretend that it would make _anything_ easier but all Jude wanted to do was go upstairs. He wanted to pretend that nothing had changed between them but he knew that wasn't true. Even if they acted as though nothing was different, Jude knew that he had changed. He had his first kiss. He was going to stare at Connor's face and feel what-if more than he ever had before and he had so many what-ifs to consider in his life.

Above him, Jude heard Jellybean meow and he turned to put on his sneakers. Then, louder, a call of: "Jude?"

Jude stood stock-still. He couldn't leave when Connor was calling for him.

"I'm downstairs," he shouted back.

He heard Connor's footsteps above him and he put his bag down, trying not to make it look like he hadn't been trying to sneak away, even though that was exactly what he had been doing. He thought that Connor would think badly of him.

"Why?" Connor asked, his voice beating him down the stairs. "Are you running away?"

Jude couldn't help but pull a face. Connor knew him too well.

"Not anymore," Jude grumbled.

When Connor came down the stairs, Jude really couldn't take his eyes from Connor's face. It was unfair. His eyes were so unfair. And so was his stupid, preppy hair and so was his cute, stupid smile. Jude was sure he could go on all day but he just crossed his arms over his chest.

"Are you really that mad at me?" Connor asked. "I'm sorry for last night. Maybe I was kind of drunk or maybe I was just kind of selfish. I know you don't … I know that you wouldn't want that from me and I knew that then, too. We can still be friends, right? You said that last night."

Connor was blaming himself? Jude felt so guilty that Connor was doing that but it might also be good for him if Connor was. Jude dropped his hands down to his sides. "I did say it. And I did mean it."

"I promise, just friends. I don't know what I was thinking last night. I don't think I was. You do forgive me, right?"

Jude nodded. "If you make breakfast."

Connor smiled at him and Jude's knees went weak.

 _I lied. I panicked. Kiss me again_.

The words hung heavy on his lips but Connor padded by Jude into the kitchen and Jude knew that the door was closing and he had to let it. He fell into step with Connor.

"What are you in the mood for? I told you last night, there's not much food here."

Connor's hand wrapped around the fridge handle and Jude frowned.

"Is something wrong with your hand?"

Connor looked down and shook his hand.

"It looks really puffy," Jude added, like Connor couldn't see it.

"Yeah, my, um, disease does that, sometimes. Hands and feet. It'll go down."

"What kind of blood disorder does that?" Jude asked, while thinking he didn't really know anything about blood disorders to begin with. He knew less about blood disorders than he did about kissing boys.

"My kind. You've got blood in your hands and feet, right?"

"Right. You've got blood everywhere."

"My brain's not going to swell and explode," Connor said sarcastically. "Hands and feet. Don't worry about it. Hey, we've got stuff for French toast. What do you think?"

"Sure," Jude agreed.

There was a beat of silence between them and Jude hated it. He hated quiet. Luckily, Connor cleared his throat.

"I think I did feel kind of tipsy last night but I don't think I was really drunk but that's okay. I didn't want to get really drunk. I wanted to know what beer tasted like, not what a hangover feels like."

Jude watched Connor crack eggs into a mixing bowl.

"You're dizzy and you have a headache. That's all that my sister ever said about hangovers."

He really should stop saying sister in front of Connor, Jude thought idly. Not that Connor was going to forget that Jude had said it at all but Jude really should stop reminding him. But what could it hurt? Connor knew too much already and wasn't going to sell him out. Who would Connor sell him out to, anyway?

"I get enough headaches," Connor mused, "so, I guess I'm extra glad that we skipped that."

"Often?"

"Not really. More, I guess, lately."

"Why?"

"My doctor has me trying new medication. I don't know if I like the side effects."

Jude could tell that Connor didn't like talking about it but he couldn't help his curiousity.

"Why did you change from your old medication? What kinds of medication?"

"It's complicated and gross. Blood stuff is gross," Connor said. "This stuff's new, she thought it would work better, it's not a big conspiracy."

Jude sighed. Things felt different this morning. He felt like Connor was upset with him but Jude couldn't blame him for that. If the shoe was on the other foot, he could imagine he would feel hurt too.

"Food's almost done," Connor said.

Jude gathered plates up and put them on the counter. They carried them off to the living room and sat on the couch. Connor turned the TV on and it was all very much the same and it was all very much different. Jude couldn't put it into words but he was sure that Connor felt it and Jude didn't know what to say or do. He didn't want to make it worse; he didn't know how to make it better. He wanted to tell Connor everything; he knew he couldn't give that much away. He felt like he was being torn in half and he was just waiting for the moment that he burst from it.

"Thanks for making breakfast." That was a normal thing to say. It was a _nice_ thing to say.

"You're welcome."

"Do you want me to go home after this?" Jude asked. "Do you want me here?"

Connor frowned and, as far as Jude could tell, he was _actually_ confused. "Why would I want you to go?"

"Are you sure you don't feel … awkward or anything?" Jude asked carefully. He didn't want to give Connor any ideas.

"I mean, kind of but I don't want to stop spending time with you and if I try to avoid it, it's just going to get worse and we're just going to … move on. I'm sorry," Connor said again, because he really believed that he needed to be.

"It's okay." Jude put his nearly empty plate down on the coffee table. His stomach was churning too much for him to eat any more. "I'll read to you soon."

"You don't have to –"

"It's normal," Jude said. "That's what we do and we want it to be the same. Plus, I like it. I like that I'm getting better. I want to, Connor."

"Okay." Connor put his plate down and he had barely touched his food. "I want to be the same too."

They could say it all morning and all afternoon and all night but Jude knew that they weren't fooling each other. Jude wanted to ask, point-blank: _do you have a crush on me_? Connor was going to say yes. Even though they'd never had anything to drink before, Jude knew that one beer couldn't make them drunk enough to make stupid decisions. He remembered every moment of last night. He had felt giddy, like the happiest he had ever been times five, but he had remembered every single moment. He knew that he would never forget it.

"I'll get my book," Jude said, gathering the plates as he stood.

"Jude?"

He stopped in his tracks. "Yeah?"

"Would you really have left without saying goodbye this morning?"

Jude had been determined to but he'd had time to do so before Connor woke. He didn't have to respond to Connor, he could have just run away. He knew the truth. "No."

"You thought about it?"

"I think about a lot of things," Jude said vaguely. "But I'm here until you send me away. Even after your dad comes home."

"Thank you."

It was the least Jude could do for all that he couldn't tell Connor and all the lies that he had to tell. He put their dirty plates away and then got his backpack, dragging it over to the couch. He put the dictionary, the sticky notes, and a pen on Connor's leg. Connor was still wearing his thin pyjama pants and it was more tempting to let his fingers gently touch the fabric, knowing he could feel the warmth of Connor's body. He forced himself to pull his hand away. He couldn't encourage himself. He couldn't do anything that would let Connor think anything other than _friend_ , otherwise, Connor might try to kiss him again, and Jude couldn't let it happen. Oh, but how he wanted it to! He wanted to tear his hair out from how frustrated he felt.

It was another reason why he hurried to open the book to where they had left off. Reading forced him to slow down and work his way through it. It forced him to focus on nothing else. His mind tried to wander but he couldn't let it because he knew that Connor was concentrating on his words, maybe even more than he was, and so he had to keep his eyes on what he was doing. He held the book and tilted his shoulder down but, of course, Connor wasn't going to lean against him today. Maybe he never would again. Maybe that part of their normal was gone now and Jude hated that he didn't know. He was just getting to think that maybe he could know and predict Connor and be comfortable with the way things were and now everything was different.

"Jude? Do you remember where we left off?"

Jude nodded and cleared his throat. _Reading_ , he was _reading_. That was all he was doing.

It was all thought he could do.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Come Out Of The Shade**_ **by The Perishers; and** _ **Is There Somewhere**_ **by Halsey (Reader recommended).**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	18. King Of Diamonds

"Connor! Connor!"

Connor stopped in the hallway, turning to face Daria. He had made it through the day without seeing her and when they had reached last period English, she hadn't so much as glanced at him. He thought that she was ignoring him and, for once, he felt bad about it. She had been nice enough to invite him and Jude to her party and buy them beer. He should be nice to her, since she was nice to him, but if she didn't want to even look at him, who was he to make her? But it was all moot point now that she was heading toward him, the skirt of her blue dress swinging around her knees.

"You disappeared at my party."

"My friend got sick," Connor lied. "I didn't mean to run out but we kind of had to go."

"One beer was too much, huh?" Daria said, laughing.

Connor shrugged. "I guess so. It was fun, though."

"You were barely there. The fun happens later."

Connor shrugged again. "You know it's hard for me to do things."

Daria suddenly couldn't look at him. "You don't look as bad as you used to."

"Thanks?" It _seemed_ like a good thing to say.

"Is it still … I mean, how do you …" Daria squinted at him and then she laughed awkwardly. "You know, they gave us presentations on this stuff back in, like, seventh grade. How to talk to you. What to say and what not to. I don't remember it now."

Connor nodded. That had been during the first round of treatments. He'd been going to school looking like a freak. It was when they had realized that he was different and they wanted to stay away from him. Connor stared at the floor. It was going to happen again. It was going to get that bad again. It was going to get worse.

"I guess I just want to ask how you are." For once, Daria seemed completely sincere in the way that she was looking at him.

"Thanks. I'm … fine. Really." If he wasn't going to tell Jude, he wasn't going to tell Daria. Despite the fact that Connor has known her for longer, Daria was a stranger compared to how he knew Jude.

"I'm glad to hear it. Are you heading out to the busses?"

"No, I have to go see Ms. Adams about my missed classes."

"Okay. See you tomorrow, Connor."

"See you."

Her hand brushed his arm as she walked by. Connor turned down another hallway, over to Ms. Adams' office. He knocked on her door and it swung inward. She was standing there, on the phone, but she gestured Connor in anyway. He went and took his usual chair, trying not to eavesdrop on her conversation.

"I think that would be nice … Yes, okay. We'll plan for that weekend unless something comes up … I think we'll just have to trust them … Mhm. Can we talk about this at home? Connor's here for his appointment … Okay. I love you. Bye."

Connor fidgeted awkwardly as Ms. Adams put her phone down and opened his folder.

"Was that Stef?" Connor asked. He knew a few things about Ms. Adams's personal life – not really through knowing her, but just through being in the same school as her children. Mariana was a big talker and so Connor knew about Ms. Adams' partner, Stef, and more about their personal life than he had ever admitted to Ms. Adams. But she always smiled whenever someone said Stef's name around her and today was no different.

"Yes. We want to drive down and visit Brandon at university soon but who knows what Mariana and Jesus will get up to. They might throw a party." Ms. Adams picked up her pen. "What do you think about parties?"

"You don't have to be so subtle. Jude and I went to Daria's party. We had one bottle of beer each. That's not enough to get someone drunk, is it?"

"Well, not normally, but since you're young and you're not experienced drinkers, it might hit you a little harder."

"My meds don't help," Connor admitted. "I think I felt something when I drank. I also did something stupid and I guess I kind of wanted an excuse."

Immediately, Ms. Adams had the concerned parent look on her face. "Something stupid how?"

"Um, I … You can't tell my dad this, okay?"

"I won't, as long as no one is in any danger."

Connor nodded. "I kissed Jude."

"Oh, Connor." She was on the verge of being happy for him, Connor could tell, but he could tell that she was also torn, thinking of all the secrets that he was keeping. "Why do you think it's something stupid?"

"He … kissed me back for a second and then he pushed me away and … He's not gay. He doesn't like me. I'm so worried about seeing him tomorrow! It was kind of weird on Sunday and what if it just gets weirder? I can't lose him as my friend."

Ms. Adams tapped her pen. "What are your feelings toward Jude?"

"He's my best friend."

"You kissed him."

Connor closed his eyes and whispered, "It's barely fair for me to be his friend. I couldn't … It doesn't matter what I want."

"What do you want?" Ms. Adams asked.

Connor hugged himself. "I want … I mean, he's … Jude's … I want –"

"Connor! You're bleeding!"

Connor's eyes flew open. There was blood on his sleeves! He reached his hand up to his face, realizing that blood had started dripping from his nose.

"Should I call your father?" Ms. Adams asked, passing tissues to him.

"No." Connor took more tissues than he should and shoved them up around his nose. "It's fine. It's … expected."

"Head forward, not back."

Connor did as instructed. "I want to be healthy," he murmured miserably.

"Stay positive. You never know what will happen."

But that was the problem.

Connor _did_ know.

(-.-)

Jude sat in his usual beanbag chair at the Centre. He shuffled his cards but he wasn't doing anything but watching Connor. He was holding up a math book, reading out answers to Mary and Michael. Jude could just barely hear the tone of his voice over the babbling of other tutoring sessions that were just on the verge of wrapping up. He tried not to be nervous. He tried not to think about being nervous. It was just Connor. And Connor was his friend. It was what they had decided on but it didn't help with the way Jude's heart hurt when he thought about it.

What good was _friends_ when Jude just wanted to be kissed?

He looked down at his cards as one caught on the other, sending an already ripped corner fluttering to the ground. Jude pulled a face, hoping that it wasn't an indicator of how his day was going to go. Or how his life was going. He flipped the card over. _King of Hearts_. Well. He put it back in the deck but it stuck out like a sore thumb. Not that his other cards were pristine: they were stained and ripped. They'd be gross when he'd found them, wet and stepped on in the street. They were from a beer brand – probably a giveaway from the liquor store down the street. Jude had scooped them up, even though there was really no reason to want them or to carry them around. He was glad that he had been smart enough to take them, however. He couldn't imagine how bored he would be if he didn't have them.

"Whatever!" Mary's loud voice cut through the group. "You never get _anything_ right!"

"Come on," Connor said. "Be nice to your brother."

Mary hefted the math textbook and Jude flinched when it connected with Connor's bicep, Connor making sure that it didn't end up hitting her brother. Connor's face twisted and he rubbed his arm.

"Okay, I think that's enough for today," Connor said, rubbing at his arm. "I'll see you guys on Thursday."

Michael didn't say anything. He just slumped out angrily after Mary. Connor began to pack up and, so, Jude put his cards back in the box and threw them into the depths of his bag. He pulled his backpack over his shoulder and stood up so that he was waiting for Connor at the door. Connor was still rubbing at his arm.

"You okay?"

"She hit me hard," Connor said. "Really hard."

Jude followed him out the front door of the Centre, half-heartedly waving to Norma. "Can you break bones or anything?"

"No. I've never broken anything. I don't have a bone problem." Connor stretched his arm above his head, wincing all the while. "She should wrestle or play football or something. _Ow_."

"Is there anything that you can do about it?"

"No." Connor opened the front door of the coffee shop. "I just have to wait. Be patient. Here, take this. I'm going to go sit down."

Jude took Connor's wallet. "The usual?"

"Can you get me the latte again today?"

"Okay," Jude agreed.

Connor went to sit on the couches and Jude stood in line. He opened the wallet, glancing at the photo in the front pocket. He was struck with the realization that it was probably Connor's mother, which meant that the baby in the photo was Connor. As he waited in line, he looked down at the child, glancing over at Connor. He'd been cute as a child.

"Hi, how can I help you?"

"Oh. Um." Jude fumbled for the wallet. "Two vanilla lattes and a cinnamon bun. Please."

He paid her with Connor's last twenty, looking at the card in the corner. _Money_. Just once, he would like to do anything without thinking about _money_. Despite all of Nic's promises, it was the one thing that he and Callie would never have. Despite all that Nic was trying to accomplish, it was the one thing that he likely would never have either. He put the change carefully into the wallet and waited for the lattes, the cinnamon bun on its plate in front of him. He glanced over his shoulder at Connor, typing on his phone, and his heart hurt. He just wanted to live in Connor's world. He just wanted to be Connor's equal in _some_ way. He didn't think he ever would be. How could he be?

He gathered up their snacks and carefully carried them over to the table. Connor reached up, sliding a cup out of Jude's hand.

"Is this one mine?"

"They're the same."

"The latte is good, right?" Connor asked. Normally. Casually. Jude was trying to read too much into things.

"Yeah, it is. I like it." He did, he really did. One little change. It was a step in the right direction. No, it wasn't. It was a drink and he was reading too much into things.

"Michael and Mary, though, I'm still not sure I like them."

"Well, they've always been insane like that."

"You know them?"

"You get to know faces," Jude said. "You see a lot of the same people until, one day, they're not there anymore and you realize it's all gone downhill from there."

"Jude …"

"I've been going to that place for a long time." Jude sighed. "I guess it's better than failing out of it though."

That was probably the type of things that he should keep to himself. Connor didn't need to know how many dirty details there were in his life but he didn't want to keep anything from Connor. It was so hard to bite his tongue.

"My sister makes me go to keep me away from what she's doing."

"You're not going to tell me what she's doing," Connor guessed but Jude could hear the genuine curiousity in his voice.

"Even I don't know what she's actually doing most of the time and I can't tell you what I do know." The things he knew for sure made Jude uneasy. The things that he suspected made him physically sick. But it was the only way for them to live, now. They had trapped themselves. Like they were bugs and Nic was the jar. "But, hey, things could always be worse."

"I always really like your optimism."

Jude snorted. "What optimism?"

Connor smiled at him. "See, that's what I mean."

Jude really didn't understand Connor but he liked that too. He liked everything about him. Which was wonderful and awful and Jude almost wished that he didn't know Connor so that he didn't have to be so conflicted but it would be worse to not know Connor. He knew that. He had been wanting someone like Connor since before he'd known the boy existed.

"Whatever," Jude said flippantly.

"So, do you want to read me something or do you want to play Hangman?"

"This is what happens when you're in full tutoring mode," Jude grumbled but it felt natural and normal, like they had never kissed at all. "Okay, let's do Hangman today."

"I like the way you think," Connor said and he started digging in his bag. "Do you want to start?"

He wanted Connor to look at him. He wanted to keep talking about this weekend and kissing Connor even though there was nothing left to say and _he_ was the reason why there was nothing left to say. He had shut everything down. He had pushed Connor away. He didn't want to hurt Connor by bringing it up. If Connor liked him, it would hurt him to talk about it. Jude knew that all too well.

"Okay," Jude said. He fished out his copy of _To Kill A Mockingbird_ searching through it until he found a word that he thought would work and he carefully put down the blanks for it.

Connor shimmied as close as he usually did and hung over Jude's shoulder. It was really was like the weekend hadn't happened.

"Hmm. A?" Connor guessed.

Jude could totally stop thinking about it.

Really.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **I Still Breathe**_ **by Apollo Drive; and** _ **Hugging You**_ **by Tom Rosenthal.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	19. Ace Of Clubs

Every little noise made Connor want to burst into tears. The light made him feel like he was going to be sick. Even though the curtains were shut and the door was shut and his eyes were shut, Connor couldn't do anything but ball his hands into fists. He was full of his pain medication and it still wasn't helping. He couldn't remember the last time he had a headache this bad but he knew. Dr. Meyer had warned him about his new symptoms and what was happening but Connor was always knocked breathless by the pain. It was never something that he got used to.

The door creaked as it open and the slightest bit of light fell across his eyes.

"Connor," Ms. Adams said, her small whisper reverberating in his ears like a shout, "we called your father. He's on his way to get you."

Connor nodded, feeling like a hammer struck his temple as he did so.

"Is there anything you need?"

"No."

There was nothing that would help him now. He just had to hold his breath and hoped that it went away.

(-.-)

Jude wasn't used to having money in his pocket and it made him feel jumpier than he did if he was going into a store to steal something. He felt like he now stood out though Jude had no idea how. This was how things were supposed to work. It was how normal people did things. It was how things were supposed to be done. If Jude was a better person, it was how he would always do things. He would never have to steal. He would never have to deprive anyone of anything. He could be honest. Jude just wanted the chance to be honest. Well, now was it. It was time for him to do his Christmas shopping and he had slipped inside the mall, letting himself be caught up in the flow of holiday shoppers. He stuck his hands in his pockets and tried to look casual. He really was doing nothing wrong this time.

The sheer amount of people in the mall made him skittish and so Jude found himself ducking in and out of stores that weren't so populated. On the upside, there was no one around but the downside was that he had the staff's full attention and there was a reason that there was no one in those stores. He had nothing for Callie and he had nothing for Connor and it was frustrating. It was all that he had set out to do and Jude really hadn't thought that it would eat up the entirety of his Monday. Not that it mattered if it did; it wasn't as if he had anything else to do.

Jude took the escalator up to the next floor, realizing that he wasn't going to find what he was looking for in a mall. There was nothing here that suited either of them, even though Jude had to admit that he had no idea what to buy either of them. Callie was silent on the subject of what she wanted and Jude was far too embarrassed to even ask Connor what he wanted, just in case Jude couldn't do it or in case he fell short. But he just _couldn't_ do that. He _couldn't_ fall short. He needed something to show Connor how good of a friend Jude thought he was and he needed something that was going to show how sorry he was about the party. It still hurt Jude to think about it. Connor had kissed him and he now he had even less than he had before. He wasn't sure how that worked but he felt a hurt and hollowness in his heart.

Jude strolled out of the mall.

Where did he go now?

(-.-)

Hospital.

Connor thought that he was in the hospital. He recognized the scratch of the pillow under his cheek and the steady thump of the nurses confidently moving through the halls. He was just glad that they were able to make it dark and that they were able to do something that would help the headache subside. His eyes flittered open a little. Things weren't as bad. He wasn't in as much pain. Connor turned his head from side to side. How had he gotten here? Why was he here? He had been at school. Ms. Adams had been there. When had his father come to get him?

"Dad," he whispered, even though there was no one there.

He looked to the side again. A nurse's button, just within his reach. It took more effort than it should have for him to press his thumb against the button. He drew his hand back to him. Hospital blankets weren't warm and he wanted to be warm. He wanted to be in bed, Jellybean on one side of him and Jude on the other. That was all that he wanted.

It took only a moment for his door to creak open.

"Hi, Connor," the nurse said, her voice low and hushed. "My name is Celia."

"Hi, Celia."

She closed the door behind her, leaving them in darkness. "How are you feeling? How's your head?"  
"My head's better," Connor said. "It doesn't hurt so much. Did I get sick? Is that why I'm here?"

"Dr. Meyer is on her way to talk to you. She'll explain everything in a few minutes." With practiced hands, Celia checked his IV.

"What's that for?"

"You were dehydrated. It's just some fluids."

Connor lifted his hand to his face. "I'm … My nose feels weird."

"You had a minor nose bleed. The doctor will talk to you about that too." Celia looked more concerned that Connor wanted her to. His bones chilled.

"Celia, where's my dad?" He wanted something comforting. He didn't want to feel scared.

"He's just outside the door. I'll send him in. Is there anything you needed?"

"No, thank you."

Celia left the room and Adam came in, taking the chair next to Connor's bed. Connor could barely look at Adam's face. There was something in his expression that Connor had to close his eyes against.

"Hey, you okay?" Adam spoke softly, like he was speaking to a child or someone that was dying and Connor's stomach clenched.

"What's going on?"

"Dr. Meyer is coming."

Connor forced his eyes open. "Dad, it's worse, isn't it?"

Adam sat on the edge of the bed, leaning down over Connor to hug him. He kissed Connor's forehead, the way that his mother used to. "It's okay, Connor, we're going to get through this. It's going to be okay."

Connor held tightly onto his father's hand. Someday, they would have to stop but, today, they were going to just keep believing the lie.

(-.-)

A second-hand store. Was Jude more likely to find something for Callie and Connor here? He might as well try. It was getting late; he was running out of time today. Christmas was getting closer and closer, though he still did have a few weeks, but if he didn't find something good now, all of the good things might be gone. And he didn't know if he was going to see Connor for Christmas. Schools let out. He didn't know if Connor would keep going to the Centre over Christmas. He couldn't expect that, could he? He had no idea.

Jude looked at the jewellery. Not for Connor. He had never seen Connor wear jewellery and he felt like he shouldn't be the one to buy it for Connor, even if he did. But he had gotten jewellery for Callie before. He saw a bracelet that he thought that she would like and he plucked it from the shelf. The salesgirl wasn't paying any attention to him. Any other day, he would slip it over his wrist, wander around for a minute more, and then he would be out the door with it. He wouldn't have thought twice and he wouldn't have felt guilty at all. Today, he was a functioning person. A good person. Like paying for things was really the line.

It might have been. What did Jude know?

He skipped the clothing altogether. What did he get Connor? What would Connor want? Some insignificant bauble? It didn't seem enough. He had to find something. He had to find something good and real.

Jude frowned as he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He hoped that it wasn't Callie checking up on him but that was usually what it was. His frown deepened when he saw that it was from Connor.

 **Connor: I won't be at tutoring tomorrow. Will you come to the house?**

 **Jude: R U OK**

 **Connor: I will be. Will you come over tomorrow?**

 **Jude: OK**

It made Jude feel uncomfortable and he was anxious for it to be tomorrow. He didn't want to bother Connor but he also partially wanted to show up at Connor's door tonight, just to make sure that he was okay. He put his phone back in his pocket and tired to just go back to his shopping. This was what he could do for Connor now. He could find Connor something great for Christmas. He looked over the children's toys and then he was in the book section of the store. It was a place that he had never wandered before. He had no reason to. Callie had no interest in books; Jude had no interest books. Books couldn't feed them and couldn't help them.

Connor cared about books. Maybe Jude could find him something that he would like. He wandered through the two tall shelves, feeling overwhelmed by the amount of titles and authors and _pages_. How many words were in this one room? How long would it take Jude to read them all? He spun in a circle, wondering if he would have to leave and come back again, just to give him time to adjust to the room. And that was when Jude noticed something. Something familiar.

He knelt down in front of the shelf. _To Kill A Mockingbird_. It was the very version that Jude was reading, otherwise he probably never would have picked it out. Jude pulled it off the shelf. There was no point in replacing the book that Connor had given to him with the same version but he wondered if there was a version here that Connor didn't have. _That_ would mean something to his friend. Jude pulled the versions of the book off the shelf, desperately trying to picture Connor's bookshelf and wishing that he had spent longer looking at it. He pulled a book off the shelf and did a double take. _Harper Lee_ , that's what it said. He knew that name now but the title of the book was different or something. Jude opened the book and it took him a moment of staring to realize that the book was in a different language. He might not be the smartest person but he could realize when something wasn't in English.

He hesitated and then kept that copy of the book close to his side. He didn't know if Connor spoke any other languages but Connor had talked about seeing all sides of the book. Maybe he would appreciate a copy of the book in another language, even if it was just something to add to his collection. The next copy of the book Jude found was definitely in English and was such a bright orange colour that Jude was sure he would remember it. Had he found one that Connor didn't have?

He decided to take a chance on it.

He carefully put all of the books back on the shelf except for the two he was taking with him and he placed Callie's bracelet on top of the two of them. He hoped that he had enough money. Nervously, he waited in line behind an old woman buying an uncomfortable number of stuffed animals. Finally, it was his turn and he placed his things on the table. The girl chatted as she went – she admired the bracelet, had never read _To Kill A Mockingbird_ for high school, but she had taken Spanish. Jude did perk up at that. The other book was in Spanish. Could Connor be taking Spanish? He might be but Jude couldn't know for sure. The only classes that Connor really talked about were English and drama, but even drama was brought up far less. Jude hoped that he was taking Spanish. It would make more sense, at least then, to give him this book instead of one that was in Russian or something.

"Twenty-three dollars."

Jude had enough. He pocketed his change, wondering what he could use it for. He should use it on nothing and hoard it but he knew it would probably just get lost or stolen.

"Thank you," he whispered to the cashier as he slid the plastic bag into his backpack.

He left the store, tugging his hood up over his face.

He didn't want to be noticed.

(-.-)

Jude nudged Connor's welcome mat to the side, just like Connor's text said to do. And, just like Connor's text said, there was a key under the mat for him. He unlocked Connor's door, feeling like an intruder. The house was so quiet that the sound of him locking the door again seemed obnoxiously. Jude took off his shoes and went peeking through the bottom level of the house, finding no one. Not even Jellybean. He climbed the stairs to the second floor. When he reached the landing, he heard Jellybean's loud purr and he stuck his head into Connor's room.

"Oh, hey," Connor said. "I didn't even hear you come in."

He was stretched out on his bed, Jellybean beside him, his laptop on his stomach. He was wearing grey sweatpants and a baseball style shirt that read _Anchor Beach._ Aside from his dark circles and the red bumps on his forearms, he didn't look sick. Not sick enough to miss tutoring, anyway. He sat down on the foot of Connor's bed.

"What are you doing?"

"Some homework stuff. Nothing interesting but Dad and Ms. Adams don't want me falling behind."

"Oh."

Jude reached out to pet Jellybean's ears.

"Christmas break is so soon I don't see the point." Connor rolled his eyes and shut his laptop, sliding it onto his nightstand.

"How soon?"

"Like, December twenty-second. But, we only get two and half weeks of break which is way too short if you ask me."

"What are you doing over break?"

Connor glanced away from him. "Dad is going to … That is we … I'm going … I-I-I … I'm going to be busy."

A weight sat on Jude's chest. _He doesn't want to see me_ , he realized, feeling horrified at the thought and the thought that Connor was sitting there, lying to him. His stomach churned. Things must have been ruined this weekend and Connor acting normal on Tuesday must have been a lie or he was just now realizing that it had been ruined. He dug his fingers into the side of his leg. What could he do or say to make Connor not hate him? How could he not give himself away? How –

"But," Connor continued, seemingly unaware of Jude's anxiety, "I'm still tutoring Tuesdays and Thursdays after break so don't worry. We'll get to go back to normal."

Jude nodded, maybe a little too eagerly. He was sure, after two and half weeks apart, he'd yearn for meeting up with Connor at the Centre and then going on one of their coffee dates. _No_. Jude flicked himself where Connor couldn't see. They weren't dates. He shouldn't have even slipped up in his head. He never had before. Not before Connor, that was.

"What are you thinking?" Connor asked. "You're like talking to a wall today."

"Sorry." Jude only had to glance at Connor's face to know he was forgiven. "Why didn't you go to tutoring?"

"New meds are throwing me off." Connor tucked his hands behind his head and stared up at the ceiling.

Jude sighed and gave into himself, laying on his stomach next to Connor, propping himself up on his elbow so he could still stroke Jellybean's side. "Why are you getting new meds? Are they new _new_ meds?"

"They just get changed every so often. Something new and better will come out or the old ones aren't being effective. Stuff like that. It doesn't really mean anything."

It meant something to Jude but if Connor wasn't concerned, should Jude really be? Probably not but Jude couldn't help himself. He was going to worry about Connor as long as there was something to worry about and Connor had given something to worry about.

"What kinds of things is it doing?" Jude asked.

"Makes me dizzy. It's starting to mess with my sleep. My doctor had to put me on it because I started getting nosebleeds," Connor said, finally looking at him. "I know you were still thinking about it."

"Maybe," Jude said. He had to try and work on closing himself. He either had to do that or open himself completely. Walking the tightrope was too hard and Jude knew that he couldn't be open. "I never noticed nosebleeds."

"Because you're lucky," Connor said. "It's gross."

"Does it mean anything?"

"Nah. It's fine."

Jude nodded and decided to believe him. If he couldn't trust Connor by now, he might have to consider that he had bigger problems than he wanted to admit to.

"I went Christmas shopping yesterday," Jude said, feeling like it was his turn to fill the silence.

"Yeah? I still have to do that."

"Yeah. I found you something I really think you'll like."

Jude side-eyed the bookshelf as he said it, reassuring himself that there was no book that matched the binding of the ones he had picked up yesterday.

"You didn't have to get me anything."

"Yes, I did," Jude said firmly.

Connor tapped at his arm. "What do you want?"

"You didn't give me any hints. I'm not giving you any."

"You didn't ask for any," Connor pointed out, and then he frowned. "Does that mean you know me better than I know you?"

"I don't think so," Jude said, but he thought that Connor was probably right. What he didn't know about Connor likely paled in comparison to what Connor didn't know about him. "Maybe it means that I'm better at giving gifts."

"We'll find out," Connor said with a laugh. "I'm going to impress you, though, wait and see."

Jude thought that he was constantly impressed by Connor but it was because he was so easily impressed. The way Connor smiled, the way he laughed, how kind he was to him, how comforting he could be. Jude shook his head.

"I will!" Connor insisted, mistaking his action. "You wait and see."

"Okay, I'll wait and see. Want to go downstairs and watch a movie or something?"

"I'm supposed to stay in bed. Dad's been coming home every couple of hours to check on me and stuff. It's why he was glad you were able to come over."

"Being bed-ridden sounds serious!" Jude exclaimed, unable to stop himself.

"I'm not bed-ridden! I can get up my doctor just recommended I don't do stairs and since our bathroom is up here, I'm a little stuck. Jude, it's not … don't worry, okay?"

Jude sucked his check between his teeth and bit down, considering for a moment. Then, he let go of his skin and sighed. "You're telling the truth, right?"

"Why would I lie to _you_?"

"I don't know," Jude admitted. "Okay, well, do you need anything from downstairs?"

Connor shook his head.

"Want me to read to you?"

"Okay," Connor said. "Thanks, Jude."

Jude shimmied off the bed and bent down over the bag, trying to keep the plastic bag from rustling as he dug out his copy of the book. He put all of his tools next to Connor and then he climbed back up the bed, resting his back against the pillows and finding their spot. Connor's head rested on his shoulder and he pulled Jellybean onto his stomach.

Jellybean stretched her head out and rubbed her face against the side of the book. She bit down on the back cover and Connor pulled her head away.

"You like this book," Connor said.

"How many times has she heard this story?" Jude asked.

"Too many. Not as many as me but too many."

Jude rubbed his thumb across Jellybean's bite marks.

"Really, Jude, are you okay?" Connor asked.

"Yeah. Maybe it's just been kind of a weird … day."

Weird week, even though the last time he'd seen Connor just felt normal. Jude knew that he was the one that was off but he really doubted that Connor _wasn't_ thinking about it. Connor was just better at putting it away or maybe the kiss hadn't meant anything or maybe Jude should just stop thinking about it before he drove himself insane.

"Do you need to talk about it?"

But how could Jude stop thinking about Connor when Connor was like that?

"Nah. Let's just … be normal."

"Okay, sure. I'm here if you need me."

Jude knew that and he loved it. There was someone else that he could count on. Someone who had never hit him and never lied to him and he hated that he had put Callie in that perspective now but he felt like he should be aware of it to. His thoughts tumbled and rolled and he knew he had to say something.

"Thanks, Connor."

He ran his finger down the page, finding out where they had left off. Jellybean's purr filled the air and it was such a big, rattling sound that Jude felt like he had to be extra loud. Connor's head rested on his shoulder and Jude bit his tongue. He pulled a face and he forced the words out of his mouth.

He was going to finish this chapter.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Love Won't Sleep**_ **by Lostboycrow; and** _ **Pluto**_ **by Sleeping At Last.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	20. Five Of Diamonds

Christmas and excitement were definitely in the air. The countdown through the last few minutes of school to get to break had long since started. All around him, people were ignoring their drama teacher and chattering about what people were going to be doing over break – travelling, attending treaded family reunions, and the all-desired "nothing". No one asked Connor was he was doing, which he was glad for. He and his father were still arguing about what to do with him and Connor knew that the visit with Dr. Meyer tomorrow was going to push Adam one way or another. Connor had a feeling that he was going to be on the losing end and Adam was going to get his way.

The final bell rang and Connor slowly packed up, letting others rush out ahead. Daria spared him a glance as she led Maddie and Taylor out of the classroom. Connor shuffled toward his locker. There was no tutoring today but it was Connor's last opportunity to see Jude and he couldn't miss his bus to the Centre. As he was standing at his locker, Ms. Adams approached.

"Hi," he said, piling his math textbook into the crammed space.

"Grades won't be out until January but Mrs. Saum was singing praises about your essay. She said it was more than she expected for your age."

"Oh, well, I have Jude to thank."

"Did he write it?" Ms. Adam asked, teasing.

"No. He just inspired me." Connor shut his locker. "Thanks for telling me. I was worried about the essay and how it turned out."

"Very impressive."

Connor checked the time on his phone, trying not to be rude. "Um, I have to go catch a bus."

"Okay. Have a merry Christmas."

"You too!" Connor said, beginning to back away.

"Will we see you in January?" Ms. Adam asked and the concern on her face stopped Connor in his tracks.

"I don't know." Connor bit his lip as her face fell. "I know Dad will e-mail you."

"Make sure he does. Bye, Connor."

"Bye!" Connor said, waving back at her.

He rounded the hall, looking at his phone. He was going to miss his bus and he had no way to inform Jude. As quickly as Jude had gotten his cell phone, he'd lost it until January. Why that was the case, he wouldn't tell Connor. Connor clicked off his phone screen off, went around the next corner, and promptly crashed into someone. He tumbled to the floor, feeling bruised already. He looked up as his attacker squawked, "Sorry!"

" _Jude?!_ "

"Hey, I found you!"

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to find you."

"I thought we were meeting at the Centre."

"Centre sucks." Jude stood over him and offered him a hand. "Did I hurt you?"

"No. Well, yeah, but I'll live through it." Connor grabbed Jude's hand and let Jude haul him up.

"I didn't mean to actually bump into you," Jude said. "But I was worried I wouldn't find you. Or you'd get on the bus and I wouldn't see you at all today."

"Well, you almost did miss me," Connor said. "Admit it, you were just in a hurry to see me."

Jude rolled his dark eyes. "Rule one, admit nothing."

"Yeah, okay," Connor snorted. He opened his mouth again but someone else's voice overrode his.

"Connor, you're still here! Is this your friend?"

It wasn't until Jude stepped away from Ms. Adams and dropped it when Connor realized that he was still holding onto Jude's hand. His skin burned, in a good way, and he tried not to think about his blush as he looked up at Ms. Adams.

"Uh, yeah. This is Jude. Jude, this is my vice-principal, Ms. Adams."

"Hi," Jude said, and he jammed his hand in his pockets. Connor had never seen him look so worried, not even when he'd met Adam.

"We're heading out. See you later, Ms. Adams."

Connor herded Jude out, barely able to keep up with Jude's stride. Was it just his imagination or had Jude gotten taller since they'd met? Maybe. Connor just knew he had to stretch his legs in order to keep up.

"Wait up," Connor said. "Seriously, we are _not_ being chased."

"Sorry." Jude did slow, pulling one hand out of his pocket to run his fingers through his hair.

"Seriously, she's not scary."

"I guess not. Come on, though. I mean it. Schools freak me out."

"All right, all right." Connor followed him out the doors. "Where do you want to go, anyway?"

"I don't know but, I mean, I'm not going to get to see you for a few weeks. I just thought we shouldn't do the same thing we always do. Plus, she was lecturing me about going to the Centre and I decided that I didn't want to listen to her."

Connor laughed. "I'm happy to help with rebellion. Last time we ran away from home, we went to the beach. I'm always down to go again."

"Okay." Jude jumped down the last three steps. "I've got your Christmas present too."

"I've got yours," Connor said. "You really didn't have to get me anything."

"You got me something." Jude slowed as they got to the sidewalk, letting Connor match his pace. "And you got me a birthday present."

"Don't hold it against me or anything,"

Jude snorted. "Hey, should we get food on the way to the beach? I think I'm feeling hungry."

"Sure," Connor agreed immediately. It was rare that Jude mentioned that he was hungry and even rarer than Jude asked to get food. Jude could have whatever he wanted. "Where do you want to go?"

"I dunno. Not tacos. I don't think that's a good beach food."

"There's a sandwich place near there. We could get subs."

"Okay. That sounds like a beach food."

Connor nodded, distracted by the fact that he had to look up at Jude's face. Jude had definitely grown since they had met and Connor tried not to be bitter about it. He was still solidly five-foot-three if he was wearing his sneakers and Jude was at least a couple of inches taller than he was now and Jude was going to get to grow. Connor hadn't grown at all in about two years and it was getting harder to watch his classmates change when he just knew he wasn't going to. _Jude_ was changing now too. He was fifteen, just like Connor was, but he looked fifteen far more than Connor probably ever would.

"What did you do today?"

"Nothing, actually. My sister's not home so I just stayed inside. She comes home in a few days, though, so only I have a little time left to do nothing."

"Will you have stuff to do over Christmas?" Connor asked, hating the thought that _he_ wasn't going to get see Jude over Christmas, even though Connor knew he wasn't really getting a Christmas this year. He didn't know what was going to happen; he just knew that he had about a million doctor's appointments and he knew that his father wanted to give him one more good Christmas. To be honest, though, Connor wasn't sure if the holiday cheer was more for him or more for Adam. He knew he'd try not to fight and do his part to make it good. It might be all they had and Connor wasn't going to be the one to tear it down. Still, he wished he'd be able to see Jude. Or even text him.

"No, probably not. I'm going to be at the Centre. My sister doesn't get a break from her work, so … Oh, hey, is that the place you were talking about?"

"Yeah."

Jude caught the door and held it open. Connor walked through, accidentally a little too close to Jude. His shoulder brushed along Jude's chest and all Connor could think of was how close they'd be if he turned, even a little bit. Almost as close as when they'd kissed. As close as they'd been when Connor had been convinced that Jude waned to kiss him too. But Jude didn't want to kiss him. That much was obvious in the way that Jude stepped back from Connor's accidental brush and Connor stared down at the floor, instantly telling himself that it hadn't just happened. He didn't know why he was lying to himself or what he was protecting by doing it but he did know that it made himself feel better to pretend otherwise. He'd been doing so much pretending otherwise. He supposed it wouldn't kill him to pretend otherwise for one more thing, but as he walked up to the counter, Connor couldn't help but think of how he had cried into Jellybean after Jude had pushed him away. Maybe it _would_ hurt more than he was thinking it would now.

He was feeling a little more normal and, at least in his opinion, acting normal by the time he and Jude had their sandwiches and could smell the salt from the ocean. Jude found a spot for them, kicking off his shoes as he flopped into the sand. Connor sat a lot more carefully, keeping his sneakers on. He started unwrapping his sandwich.

"You know," Jude said, "I'm not sure I like Christmas."

"Why?"

"It's just so stupid. Everyone's like … time to be with family, time to be super happy and celebrate, time to do this, time to do that and I just don't understand it. Why only pick one time of year to be with family or to care? Maybe it's a stupid thing to say about Christmas but Valentine's Day is for sure that dumb."

"You don't like Valentine's Day?"

"No." Jude glanced at him. "Why? Don't tell me you do."

"I guess not," Connor said, nibbling at the side of his sub so that he would have something else to do other than just sit and think about Jude and Valentine's Day. "I guess I've never had a reason to. It's not like I've ever been someone's Valentine."

"Would you really want to be?"

He wanted to have the things that he probably wouldn't, so, yeah, he would have liked to have been someone's Valentine. He let himself glance over at Jude, though he wasn't sure he liked the way that his heart twisted when he stared at Jude's face. It hurt. It was hopeful. He knew it shouldn't be but he also thought about how, just maybe, he didn't just want to be _anybody's_ valentine. Maybe he wanted to be somebody's valentine but that wasn't going to happen and Connor knew he was just hurting himself.

"Are you going to read over break?" Connor asked. Maybe it would be easier if they talked about something else.

"Yeah," Jude said. "I'll probably get bored enough to."

"Hey!"

"And, if I don't, I'll definitely lose it and we'll have to start from the beginning and I promise I don't have that much patience."

"You'd remember some of it. Look at how quickly you picked up writing. You're smart, Jude."

"Yeah, yeah," Jude said dismissively. "We both know I'd flunk out of a kindergarten glass."

"Give yourself some credit."

"I am. There's a lot I don't know."

"And a lot you do," Connor said stubbornly. He wasn't going to let Jude tear himself down like that.

"Point is, I'll read."

"I wish you could text me. Just in case you have questions or anything."

"I'll have my phone by the end of January. It's only a couple of weeks apart, anyway."

Jude didn't sound convincing and Connor didn't feel convinced.

"I'll write stuff down. Thoughts and questions and I'll put sticky notes in the book so you can help me later." Jude finished his sub and admitted, "I still don't like reading without you."

"I like reading with you too."

"When have you ever read to me?"

Connor put his sub down. He couldn't bring himself to eat anymore. "When you helped me edit my essay."

"Helped," Jude said sarcastically, lifting his hands to do air quotes.

"I found it helpful," Connor protested, but he could see Jude's point. "Okay, well … _When he was nearly thirteen, my brother Jem got his arm badly broken at the elbow. When it healed, and Jem's fears of never being able to play football –_ "

"No, no, no!" Jude interrupted, laughing. "That's not reading!"

"It's a book!"

"The book I'm reading to you! Also, that's reciting. It doesn't count."

"Okay, okay. I'll find a new book for next time I see you."

"That's really far away," Jude murmured, and his voice sounded small and sad.

 _Jude's going to miss me too_ , Connor realized, and he smiled.

"Want to walk down the beach before it gets dark?" Jude asked, and Connor nodded.

Two and a half weeks. It was more than enough time for something life-altering to happen. Connor knew it probably would and, even if by some miracle he was lucky, he was still left with two and a half weeks without his best friend. Today, he'd do anything Jude wanted. He stretched his hands out and Jude helped to pull him up from the sand. Connor quickly let go of Jude, or maybe Jude quickly let go of him. Connor didn't think of it and instead gathered up their trash to throw in the nearby bin. Then, Jude pulled his shoes off, digging his toes into the sand. He stretched his arms above his head and then picked a direction, walking close enough to the water that Connor watched the cuffs of his jeans get wet.

"I'm glad to have time off from tutoring," Connor said idly. "Maybe I can heal from Mary."

Was it an accident that Jude's fingers brushed his?

"You should tell someone how much she hits you."

"I've talked to Mariana about it a little. I guess she tutored just Mary last year but it sucked for her. Apparently, she and Michael are better behaved together." Jude snorted at that and Connor added, "To be fair, she's not hitting _me_. I'm stopping her from hitting Michael."

"She still shouldn't be hitting you since it's a bigger deal for you."

Jude's fingers touched his again and Connor just wanted to hang onto him. He wanted to be some gross high school couple being clingy on the beach. But he couldn't let himself think about it. They shouldn't have even kissed once. Connor had been just blissfully thinking that this was how everyone felt about their best friend until he'd kissed Jude and then cried himself to sleep, realizing _oh no, it's not just a best friend feeling_. He just wanted to go backward so that he wouldn't overthink but he also didn't want to give up the memory of kissing Jude, even if their one time was their only time.

"I'm not fragile," Connor grumbled.

"More than me."

Connor wasn't entirely sure that was true on all counts. Connor might be weaker physically but Jude just seemed so much more vulnerable to him. But he didn't say it. He knew Jude wouldn't like it.

"I'm not, like, breakable."

"I don't know that," Jude said emphatically, his tone catching Connor off-guard.

"What's that mean?"

Jude kicked at the sand, spraying it into the water. "I don't know. I guess I don't get it. I don't know what it means or how sick you really are. You stay home a lot and you're on meds! I just worry because, well, I don't know what 'fine' and 'normal' are and when I should actually worry so I guess I just stay worried." Jude sank his hands deep in his pockets, his cheeks going bright red.

Connor nudged his shoulder against Jude's, his mind spinning. He'd never realized that Jude had been so concerned and he wondered if Ms. Adams had been right all along about lying to Jude and what it would feel like for both of them when the moment came for Connor to tell the truth. Connor wondered if that moment was now. If it would even be fair for the moment to be now.

When break was over, when Connor had all of his answers, then it would be fair. His new year resolution was going to be to tell Jude the complete and total truth. But, for now, Jude was glancing at him and Connor knew he had to say something in response but he didn't know what.

"I-I'm sorry, Jude. I didn't realize it was bothering you like that. What kind of questions do you even have?"

"What's it even called, Connor?"

"It's a blood deficiency."

"You said that but there's got to be a scary medical name."

Connor shrugged. That was the problem. It didn't sound like a scary medical name. It sounded very innocuous. _Influenza_ had more terror to it than the words that were strung together to create his diagnosis.

"Um, thrombocytopenia. Low platelet count." Not his diagnosis but an actual part of it. Jude grimaced at the word. "It, uh, is fixed by a blood cell growth factor. It makes bone marrow do what it's supposed to. The meds I'm on are supposed to do that but sometimes I still need to go to the hospital and get platelet transfusions."

Jude really pulled a face at that.

"I don't go to the hospital often," Connor said, as though he didn't have his regular Friday appointments. "And I was only actually hospitalized … once. Right after I first got diagnosed."

"Will you have to live with it forever?" Jude whispered.

"Yeah."

"It's not … You said it's not going to kill you, right?"

"Um, right," Connor said. "Well, technically, I guess it could. If they get low enough, I can get internal bleeding or if it was really bad, brain bleeding, but my case isn't that bad."

That was just straight up not the truth. The thrombocytopenia could be fixed if his true problem was fixed but Connor wasn't naïve enough to think that it was going to happen. He watched the optimism leave Dr. Meyer a little bit at a time every time they met. She still tried to be happy and upbeat but they'd spoken one on one, just a few times, since Adam liked to be in the room. Connor just needed honesty. He could take her optimistic honesty but he knew that she was laying out the truth for him. Adam still liked to sugar coat things for the two of them but Connor didn't hold that against his father, most of the time. Most of the time, it was nice to pretend otherwise for a moment or two before Connor swallowed a million pills and marched off to the doctor to get scanned or pumped full of chemicals and blasted with another targeted treatment.

"Can it get worse? Can it get that bad?"

"N-no. I've been pretty consistent about my … case. I don't know how to phrase that but I've been the same. I'll just likely stay the same."

Jude slid his hand from his pocket and, this time, Connor knew it wasn't an accident when their hands touched.

"I just don't want anything to happen to you."

"Nothing's going to happen to me." Connor's heart plummeted straight into his shoes and those words were the hardest he'd ever said. Connor knew what was coming when Jude found out differently and he didn't want to picture that, not when Jude looked so relieved at the words. "Is … Did you have any other questions?"

"How do you tell when things are going to be bad and when they're going to be good?"

"I don't, really. They just surprise me."

Jude nodded.

"Sometimes I'll have bad days and so my dad will tell me to stay home the next day to try and recover but …"

"Okay, that I _don't_ get," Jude said. "If it's just about your blood, then what happens with that to make you stay home? How does it make you that sick?"

That question caused Connor to fumble. He knew how smart Jude was but he also knew how little Jude would understand about the medical world. If he strung together the right words, made things sound scary _enough_ …

"Well, um, with the platelets … I don't fight off being sick as well, you know? Or I'll get sick a lot more often. When my dad was talking about sending me away, it was because of school and of how germs get passed around or public transit and germs or the Centre and germs. If I get a cold or something, it can really wipe me out. You saw me when I had the flu. I wasn't myself for basically a week where other people, it'd be a day or two."

"So, it's not just about blood?"

"Well, it is but, you know, blood's kind of everywhere in the body and it's kind of a big deal."

"Let's sit again," Jude decided.

"Sure."

There were driftwood logs up ahead, a firepit near by. Certainly, they'd be used for a party come later, but, for now, they were abandoned. Jude dropped his shoes next to one and took a spot on the log. He dug his feet into the sand and Connor watched his pale toes peep up through the dislodged grains. Jude's hand rested so close to his and he thought about laying his fingers over Jude's, right before thinking about how Jude would pull away and then Connor just sighed.

"Was that it?"

"I'm going to worry about you when I don't see you."

"I'm going to worry about _you_ ," Connor countered.

Jude laughed slightly. "Yeah, I guess that's fair too."

"It's what friends do."

"Friends also have Christmas presents for their friends." Jude repositioned himself on the log so that he had one leg tucked up on it and so that he was facing Connor. Connor mimicked Jude, their knees touching. "Do you want yours now?"

"Do you want yours first?"

"No. You've given me presents. You get to go first. Plus, I've been anxious about what you're going to think. I hope you like it. I went crazy trying to find something for you!"

"I'll like it," Connor said.

"We'll see. Close your eyes and hold out your hands. I don't have wrapping paper."

Immediately, Connor closed his eyes, holding out his hands as Jude had asked. Jude fixed his hands, laying them out even flatter and wider. Connor's lids twitched with curiousity as he heard the zipper on Jude's bag open and then he felt a heavy weight press against his right hand.

"Can I open now?"

"Not yet," Jude said, and Connor heard his backpack rustle again. Jude lifted Connor's left hand a little and then Connor felt something of equal weight in his right hand. "Okay, now."

For a moment, Connor didn't know what he was seeing. Jude had gifted him two books. One, he recognized as a version of _To Kill A Mockingbird_ that he didn't have. But the other one, even though it had the same author, read: _"Matar a un Ruiseñor._ " Connor was sure he botched the accent on it. He did the bare minimum in Spanish; his teacher knew he didn't care and she hardly pressed him. She had bigger things to worry about.

Jude looked awkward. "I don't even know if you can understand it but I thought since you talked about experiencing the book in different ways, why not a translation? I don't know what you think. But I knew you'd like the other one, so, I just decided I would take a chance. What _do_ you think?"

Connor held both books to his chest but that wasn't enough and he hugged Jude tightly. Jude went stiff under his touch for just a moment, and then he put one arm around Connor too, using his other hand to tug his hood high up around his face before putting that arm around Connor too.

"Thank you," Connor said. "No, I love them both, really."

"Do you speak Spanish?" Jude asked.

"No, not really, but, you know, this is incentive to do a lot better." Connor leant back. "Maybe I'll read you the Spanish version so you can laugh at my pronunciations."

"I wouldn't know if you were doing it wrong," Jude scoffed.

"Oh, I bet anyone could tell," Connor said with a grin. "Really, thank you. I love them both."

"I got them used," Jude said, "because you said that was important too."

"It is." Connor put the Spanish book in his lap and opened the English one, noticing that the previous owner had been underlining quotes in pencil. "I'm going to have to read this version over Christmas, for sure."

"What about the other one?"

"It'll take me longer. I should wait until school lets back in so I can annoy my Spanish teacher."

"That does sound smarter," Jude said.

"Oh, definitely. Listen to this." Connor cracked _Matar a un Ruiseñor,_ clearing his throat and looking at the first line. "Cuando se acercaba a los trece –"

Jude was laughing at him. "Okay, you're right, you can definitely tell you don't speak Spanish. But, won't it be easier, since you already know what it says?"

"But, the translation isn't word for word, so, really, it might trip me up more. That's going to be the fun part, though, figuring out the differences … Maybe I should see if there's essays written on that too."

Jude laughed again. "That's what makes you happy, though."

"It is." Connor let the rest of the book flip by. "It's going to be an adventure!"

Connor could tell by the look on Jude's face that he and Jude had very different definitions of what an adventure was but Jude was clearly glad that Connor was happy.

"Okay, your turn," Connor said, tucking the books inside of his bag, careful not to disturb Jude's present, which he had time to wrap.

"You didn't have to," Jude said again. "You do enough for me."

"You're my best friend. I had to."

"Thank you," Jude said, letting Connor put the package in his hands.

"You haven't seen it yet.'

"Okay, okay."

Jude picked hesitantly at the Santa print paper, peeling it back. "I'm guessing: you got me another book."

"Well, only kind of," Connor admitted it. "Open it, come on."

So, Jude did. Connor watched his face as he opened the present. Connor had found him a really nice set of cards and a book of card games that could be played by one or two people. He thought that Jude might get bored with playing Solitaire _all_ the time and he had noticed that Jude's cards were falling to pieces. He just wanted to get something that he knew Jude would like and use but he had heard enough about what Jude's house was like to know that he shouldn't get Jude anything big or anything that anyone else would want.

"What do you think?" Connor asked. He had also been worried that Jude was attached to his ragged deck of cards and that Jude would find it offensive.

Jude opened the card box. Connor had found ones that had a stylized _J_ on the back and he figured that even Jude, in all of his paranoia, couldn't object to that. Jude pulled out one the stiff, stark white cards, and his face lit up.

"This is great!"

Connor knew that, just from the look on Jude's face.

"Come on," Jude said, glancing up at the sky.

"Where are we going now?" Connor asked, watching Jude yank on his shoes.

"Hot chocolate and we're going to find a game to play with my new cards."

"Sounds good. Hey, help me up. I'm basically an old man."

He was glad that Jude half-grinned and rolled his eyes at the comment instead of looking concerned. "Just older than me," Jude said flippantly and he held out his hand.

Connor grabbed onto him tightly and let himself be pulled off the log. He adjusted his backpack over his shoulder and followed Jude down the street. Jude had his new card deck still tucked in his hands and was passing them from palm to palm as he walked.

"Maybe I won't read over Christmas. Maybe I'll just learn a bunch of new card games," he chattered.

"Yeah, to play with yourself."

"Mmm, maybe not. The holidays _might_ put Callie in a good mood. I could get good at the two-player games. Good enough to beat you after Christmas."

"Callie," Connor whispered.

Jude winced at himself. "Uh … Yeah. My sister."

"I'll keep that a secret too."

Jude sighed. "You're too easy to be honest with."

"I want you to be honest with me," Connor said, thinking about what a hypocrite that made him. But he had plans to be honest and that mean something! Didn't it?

"Yeah, well, she was the only secret that I was supposed to keep and now look at me." Jude shook his head again as he opened the door to the coffee shop.

"I'll take it to my grave," Connor promised.

"Stop it!" Jude said, giving him the gentlest nudge on his arm. "What did I just say about being worried?"

"Well, I'm not in a grave, am I?" Connor grumbled.

"Guess not," Jude admitted. "Okay, I'm going to go find a spot."

"Hot chocolate or latte?"

"Surprise me," Jude decided.

Connor raised his eyebrows but Jude was headed away, settling himself onto one of the comfortable couches and opening the deck of cards. Connor quickly ordered their drinks and their cinnamon bun, even though he knew that he wasn't hungry enough to help Jude eat it, but he knew that Jude would appreciate it. Besides, it was as close to Christmas as he was getting with his best friend and it was the least that he could do for Jude. He knew that Jude wouldn't have accepted a bigger present and this was what Connor could do.

When Connor sat down across from him, Jude had the book of games open in front of him, shuffling his cards in his hands.

"They're so slippery!" he complained with a joyous grin. "Don't make them sticky."

"I wouldn't," Connor promised. He even got a pile of napkins to sit next to the cinnamon bun. "What are we playing?"

"Dunno," Jude said, pausing in his shuffling to turn another page. "I can't find one I like the sound of."

"You like the _sound_ of?"

"Yeah. I don't want to read the directions right now if I don't like the sound of it."

"Don't judge a book by its cover," Connor quoted.

"I'll read them all _later_ ," Jude emphasized and then, under his breath, but still loud enough that Connor knew he was supposed to hear it, "jerk."

"Hey! Don't judge a book by its cover!"

"Beggar my neighbour," Jude said, and it took him took the book toward Connor for Connor to figure out what he meant. "Don't tell me. I want to explain it to you."

Connor nodded, skimming over the rules even though Jude explained them well. Jude dealt the cards and they spent the rest of their evening together mastering the game. They kept their promise and, despite the hot chocolate and the cinnamon bun, the cards stayed in perfect condition. It was only when the barista started to clean in preparation to close that Connor realized it was nearly nine at night. Time with Jude seemed to fly by, even when they were doing non-exciting things like playing cards while Connor spoke of school and Jude just peppered in questions to keep him talking.

They emerged out into the night and it had become breezy. Jude glanced at him and Connor just stared at him back. Now was the normal time that Jude would go one way and Connor would go the other but Connor didn't want to say goodbye just yet. Jude scuffed his sneaker on the sidewalk.

"Can I bus with you home?"

"Yeah, I'd like that."

Connor was relieved that Jude was at his side as they caught a bus and sat near the back.

"What are you going to do tomorrow?" Connor asked.

"I'll go to the Centre, sit in my chair, be glad that the room is empty," Jude mused.

"Really?"

"My life is boring," Jude said. He sighed. "Well, not always, but I like it more when it's boring. It's safer, you know."

"Yeah, I get that." His life was better when it was boring too.

"I'm going to find the best game in my book so that we can have something to do when we get to hang out again."

"I'm counting on you."

"Well, that's okay," Jude said. "I think I can take it."

Connor grinned, watching the streets go by out the window. He was so close to home. He didn't think that getting home was going to be bad, not like it had been before, but he just wanted the bus ride to last a lot longer than it was going to. He and Jude eventually had to get off the bus and then Connor walked him over to his bus stop, even though it would have been easier to just go into his house. Jude stared down the long street.

"I think I see the bus."

Connor wished that Jude hadn't said that.

"It's only two weeks."

"Two and a half," Jude corrected. "But, it's not that long. What's going to happen in two and a half weeks?"

Connor shrugged. He thought that he and Jude were both well-aware that a lot of things could happen in two and a half weeks but it was better to be optimistic. It was better to think that it was all going to be fine. Maybe it would be and he and Jude would be playing cards and talking about break and how nothing and all had happened except wishing the other was there with him. Connor wasn't stupid but it was nice to pretend. Guiltily, he felt like he had been pretending the entire time that he had known Jude and he knew that it wasn't fair, not at all, to Jude.

"I'll see you later," Jude promised.

Connor glanced down the street. The bus was visible but still a few blocks away. He couldn't help himself and he held out his arms just a little. He thought that Jude was going to deny him but then Jude hugged him back, tugging his hood up around his face so that no one could tell that it was him. Connor didn't care and he hid his face down against Jude's shoulder, trying not to think _taller_ , trying not to think about how he was going to miss Jude.

"It's going to be fine," Jude said, and Connor wondered which one of them that Jude was trying to convince.

"Yeah, I know."

Connor leant out of Jude's hold, thinking that they were close. So close. They could have kissed again and the way that Jude was looking at him, Connor was on the verge of thinking that Jude was thinking the same thing. But he knew better. He knew better on so much.

"That's the bus."

"Yeah," Connor said, on the verge of saying that there would be another bus, come back to the house for a while, but he didn't. Jude hugged him again and then he was on the bus. Connor stood on the corner until the vehicle was completely out of sight.

Connor pulled his phone out and stared at Jude's contact for a moment, wishing he could text him. But he couldn't and it was just two and a half weeks and what could go wrong? Jude was right. Connor padded up to his front door and let himself inside.

"Connor? Is that you?"

"Yeah, Dad," Connor said, kicking off his shoes. He lowered his bag to the floor carefully and then scooped up Jellybean. She leant against his shoulder.

"Come into the living room."

Connor did as he was told. "Oh, you got the Christmas tree!"

"I thought we needed it. We're getting pretty close to Christmas. I thought we'd take this weekend and just get the decorating done."

"I like the sound of that."

Adam straightened one of the branches. "How's Jude?"

"Jude's good."

"Is his father going to be okay for Christmas?"

"Yeah," Connor said, faltering for only a moment. "Jude says he's been doing really well. Shouldn't be any lasting damage at all."

"Good, I'm glad to hear that."

"Dad, do we still need to get Jelly's catnip balls for Christmas?"

"No, I picked them up before I got the tree. She's all set."

"Good." Connor rubbed her back and she purred loudly. "I'm going to go shower."

"Wait, are you hungry?"

"No, Jude and I ate."

"Popcorn and a movie tonight?" Adam asked.

"Okay," Connor agreed. "Lots of butter."

"Of course. Whatever you want."

Connor put Jellybean down on the back of the couch but she followed him up the stairs anyway. She stood guard on the edge of the bathroom counter while he took his shower and even though Connor didn't need the guard, he was always happy to know that she was there.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **We Could Happen**_ **by AJ Rafael; and** _ **Ace Of Hearts**_ **by Zella Day.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	21. Six Of Clubs

It was Christmas day and Callie was throwing up in the bathroom. Jude had gone out and fetched green tea for her and boiled hot water on the stove. He let the bathroom door creak open and he placed the mug down next to her, kneeling on the tiles. She rolled with her back against the bathtub.

"This isn't how I meant to spend Christmas." Callie shut her eyes. "I'm sorry about breakfast."

"New years breakfast instead?" Jude suggested, pushing the mug into her chilled hands. "Are you okay?"

"I must have picked it up somewhere. I'm gone too much, doing too much. I want to do nothing, Jude."

"I know," he murmured.

The only thing that he could do was agree with her when she talked like this. She never appreciated his suggestions and, admittedly, none of them were entirely feasible. Jude wasn't as convinced as Callie was the Nic would stalk them to the ends of the earth in order to keep control of them, but the point was that she was so scared of it happening that Jude didn't want to push her. This was Callie's fight, after all.

"I'll be home for a while, he promised."

"You need time to get better, anyway. What do you think it is?"

"Just the flu," Callie said. "The whole world is against us, that's all."

Jude cracked a small smile at her words. At least it was true. Callie handed him back her tea so that she could stand up. He followed along with her as she staggered into their bed. Jude put the mug down on the floor next to her and then sat at the foot of the bed.

"Is there anything else that I can do for you, Callie?"

"No." She yanked the blankets up around her face, looking young and pale.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. You should get out of the room. I don't want to make you sick either."

"We still have some soup. Are you hungry?"

"No," she said. "Go, Jude. I'm going to nap."

With a sigh, Jude pushed himself off the end of the bed, heading out the door. He closed it most of the way shut, thinking that he should keep an ear out for Callie and it was his turn to take care of her, even though she would begrudge every bit of it. He settled himself down on the couch and opened his backpack, pulling out his new cards and his book of games. He opened the book, watching the pages blur together. He wished that he had someone to play a two-player game with. That was how he thought he was going to spend his Christmas. A good breakfast, exchanging the few gifts they had gotten each other, and then playing cards and wasting away the day. Last Christmas, once it had gotten dark, they had gone on a walk, looking at the Christmas lights on other houses, mocking and admiring those who put giant blow-up snowmen and Santa Clause's on their green lawns. They wouldn't be having that kind of Christmas this time.

He shuffled his cards and, though he wanted to look through the book, he dealt himself a game of Solitaire with his new cards.

(-.-)

Waking up on Christmas morning, Connor definitely felt the excitement of the morning, despite how exhausted he felt. Jellybean woke him by meowing incessantly and, upon him opening his eyes, Connor realized why. He could smell bacon in the air and he knew what she wanted. He scratched her ears and she let out a little purr.

"Come on, Jelly. Let's see if we can get out of bed today."

He hadn't, yesterday or the day before, in particular, though ever since school had let out, Connor had felt like he'd been living in a fog. He had been weak and shaky, throwing up sometimes outside of treatment. He pushed himself up and rubbed at his eyes and he just felt itchy, his face hot. He didn't feel great, still, but he kissed Jellybean's head. It was Christmas. It was going to be a good one.

"Come on," he said again, and he stood up from the bed, the world wobbling around him.

He made it down the hallway, firmly grasping the banister to help him down the stairs. Breathing was so hard. Going down steps was supposed to be easy by trying to sort out his feet was beginning to be too much. The closer he got to the smell of food, the more the pain in his stomach grew. He gripped the counter to keep himself upright.

"Morning, Dad."

"Connor!" Adam spun around from the stove. "You scared me!"

That much, Connor had guessed.

"I was going to bring breakfast upstairs. How are you feeling?"

"So so," Connor replied, not even trying to move away as Adam pressed a hand to his forehead.

"You're burning up! How do you feel, really?"

"Is the bacon done?" Connor asked.

It was Christmas. He was fine. It was Christmas. He was fine. Even if there was a weird ringing in his ears.

"Well, yeah," Adam said. "I put Jelly's piece in there."

Connor carefully picked it out of the pan, his fingers shaking as he took paper towel to blot of the grease so it wouldn't burn her small mouth. His knees went weak and he slowly lowered himself down onto the kitchen floor, ripping off pieces to feed to Jellybean. She purred around him, sniffing out the pieces of meat and nudging her head his legs. He pet along her back as she finished up the pieces. That was when he noticed something red hitting the floor and Connor knew what it was immediately.

"Dad … Dad, I'm …"

 _Bleeding_.

The word drifted across his mind but it didn't make it out of his mouth. He went entirely fuzzy, his body feeling overheated. He couldn't breathe. He could taste the blood that was coming from his nose and down to his mouth and then the world tilted. Connor knew that he was going to hit the floor but his world went dark before he had to feel it.

(-.-)

Jude jammed his hands deep in his pockets, looking around. It was mostly dark now, just the tiniest bit of light blue left along the horizon line. Callie had shoved him out of the apartment when Nic walked in, ostensibly to check on her, though Jude didn't know if he would describe Nic as the nurturing type and he didn't know what kind of shape that Callie would be in when he got back. Not that Callie had been in great shape when he left. She was still throwing up and still curled up in bed, not that it stopped her from apologizing about ruining Christmas.

Not that Jude felt the difference. It was a day, just like any other day. He figured it would have gone about the same had Callie gotten ill in the middle of July. Except, when he walked along the streets in July, he'd have a little more daylight and there wouldn't be so much to look at, and Jude could admit that he liked the lights. A lot of them were the same, soft-coloured lights that Daria had at her Christmas party and it filled Jude with warm feelings that made him equal parts happy and equal parts uncomfortable, because all he could think about was Connor.

He wondered what Connor's Christmas was like. He and his father probably had a tree, like a real one, decorated with sparkling bulbs, maybe even Christmas music playing in the background, and it wouldn't be annoying like it was when it was playing in malls. He tried not to be jealous of it; he tried not to be jealous of everyone around him. Admittedly, it was one of the worst times of the year for him in terms of wishing that he was someone else and there wasn't a whole lot that he could do about it. Jude turned another corner, wandering deeper down another residential block. The occasional car passed him but, for the most part, he was alone. Everyone was in having dinner with their families or putting young kids to bed and Jude's stomach was grumbling as he stopped near a stop sign. He didn't feel bad staring into someone's living room window, watching a pregnant woman kiss her husband. Jude could see the mistletoe hanging above both of their heads.

The sight of mistletoe just had his blood boiling again and with a sigh, Jude jumped off the street corner, cutting diagonally across the road. There was no one out to hit him, anyway. He looked up and realized that he was getting close to Daria's actual house – he'd recognize these streets anywhere, even though he'd only walked them twice. Her Christmas party was something that he would never forget and it was funny to consider that she would never know it. She'd never know what monumental thing had happened in her upstairs hallway. Why should she know? Would should she care?

Why should anybody but he and Connor care? If Connor even cared at all, anymore. He might not. It would be better for both of them if he didn't care anymore. But, like Jude had told himself a million times before, it was time to stop thinking about it, even though he knew that he would _never_ stop thinking about it. It wouldn't matter how long he ended up knowing Connor or how long he lived or what his life was like, Jude knew that he would never stop thinking about it.

Jude stopped before he got to Daria's street because he really didn't want to see what her Christmas was like at all. He stumbled down the street, mentally mapping out how far away Connor's house was. It was so close. He could be there in ten minutes. Less, even! But what good would that do? Jude wasn't going to knock on the door and ruin their Christmas. Connor would let him in if he showed up, because Connor was a good friend, but he didn't want to upset Connor's father. Adam probably wouldn't like it so much and that meant Adam wouldn't like him so much and then Adam might not let him come back. Even with all that rolling around in his brain, Jude's feet were out of his control and he was halfway to Connor's street before he had fully comprehended that was, in fact, where he was going.

In his pockets, his hands curled into fists. He wasn't going to knock. He wasn't going to do anything. He wasn't even going to be a creep and stand outside of the house. He was just going to walk by. There was nothing to stop him from walking by. It was a free country and it was just a street. A street that he had never thought that he would be so familiar with, given its neat lawns and family friendly block. Jude did start slowing down as he walked along in front of Connor's house. To his surprise, the house was dark. Not even the front porch light was in. His surprise caused him to stop in his tracks, frowning at the house. Adam's car was there but there was no sign of life. Jude wished that he had his cell phone; he wished that he had someway to know what was going on. He just wanted to soothe the anxiety that was raging inside of him because all he could think about was Connor's medical condition. The medical condition that he didn't know the name of and had no way to find out more about. The medical condition that Connor had always been so flippant about but that Jude thought about often.

He took a step toward the door, almost onto the street. He had his backpack and, so, he had the notebook that Connor had given him. It wouldn't take much to tuck a note into the mailbox, telling him that he had stopped by but he wasn't home and he hoped that things were fine.

Then, Jude took a step back. That felt like a lot. It would tip his hand. Connor knew that Jude wasn't just going to be wandering around this neighbourhood and there would be no way for Connor to answer him, anyway, so what would be the point?

So, Jude forced himself to keep walking, but he kept looking over his shoulder.

He'd never get Connor out of his mind.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Let's Run Away**_ **by Haley Reinhart; and** _ **Chain Breaker**_ **by Zach Williams.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	22. Four Of Diamonds

"Are you sure you're feeling better?"

Jude hovered near Callie as she pulled a brush through her hair. Three days after Christmas and she was definitely looking better, but she still didn't look healthy. She still looked half-dead on her feet.

"I'm feeling okay and I've got stuff to do," she said vaguely. "I'll make it up to you tonight. Big post-Christmas dinner, okay?"

"Okay."

"Be home by eight," she warned.

"Where am I going to go?" Jude snorted.

"The Centre," Callie replied.

"What?" Jude scuffed his foot along the floor. "Why would I go? You're sick. I should be home when you're home!"

"No," Callie said. "You're going for your safety. And you promised. And it's the only way you're getting your cell phone back."

Jude rolled his eyes but he couldn't deny that he wanted his phone back.

"All right," he agreed. Plus, part of him _was_ still hoping that Connor was going to show up at the Centre one day, casually saying that he'd found time over Christmas after all, and did Jude want to go get hot chocolate?

It wasn't going to happen but a guy had to have his day dreams.

"So, go. Before I have to go see Nic. I want to know you're out of here."

"Okay, okay," Jude said with a sigh. He gathered up his backpack. "See you later, Callie."

"Eight o'clock!" she called after him.

"Yep!" Jude said, but he doubted that she had heard it. He could tell when Callie stopped paying particular attention to him.

He slunk down the stairs, bolting out the back door when he was sure it was safe. He moved quickly, though definitely not a run, to his bus stop, barely making the bus that Callie had intended for him to be on. He crawled to a seat at the back, letting the bus carry him away to the Centre, which was decidedly less busy around the holiday times. Even the street kids had somewhere better to be, Jude mused bitterly as he waved at Norma before going into the multi-purpose room. It was completely empty, which Jude had once preferred. He sunk into his normal beanbag chair and dealt himself a round of Crown Solitaire, one of the games that had had learnt from his Christmas book.

He was on round three when he heard footsteps. He didn't look up but he kept careful track of where the footsteps were headed. He really wasn't in the mood to be interrupted and he really didn't want to talk to anyone. It didn't work out that way and the footsteps walked right up to him. Jude glanced at the feet, first, thinking that it might be Norma, but the black boots with the small heel definitely _didn't_ belong to the no-nonsense woman in her fifties. More carefully now, since he _knew_ it was a stranger, Jude lifted his gaze to the girl's face, surprised that he did recognize her. Mariana. The girl that Connor had spoken to at tutoring.

"You're Jude, right?" she asked, and Jude just stared at her. She rolled her brown eyes and shifted her weight. "You either say yes or I _don't_ give you this note from Connor."

 _Note from Connor_? "Yes."

She handed him the small piece of paper, folded in half.

"Also, I'm supposed to offer you a drive if you want one," she said, before he had even gotten to read the note. Her voice was strangely sympathetic and the tone raised goosebumps on Jude's arms.

Jude recognized Connor's handwriting on the short note. All it said was the name of the hospital and a room number. Jude's stomach clenched and he thought of the empty house that he had spotted on Christmas. He had been right! Something was wrong!

"I … would like that drive," he whispered. What if something was really wrong? Nothing good could come of being summoned to a hospital. Nothing good at all.

"I'm Mariana," she said. "I think we introduced ourselves before."

"Yeah," Jude said. "I think we did."

He put his cards in his bag and then he crushed the note in his hand. _Room 608. Room 608._ He tried to think positive but the only thing that he could think of on the so-called positive side was that it was Adam in the hospital and Connor wanted him there, but Jude couldn't make that make completely sense in his head. As he followed Mariana out the door, all he could think of was that Connor was sick and that he knew Connor was sick. Connor wouldn't have sent a stranger to get him if everything was okay.

Mariana was driving an old SUV and there was a boy in the passenger seat, one that looked a lot like her. Jude watched him warily as he put himself in the backseat.

"This is my brother, Jesus."

Jude nodded like it mattered to him.

"Can I drive?" Jesus asked.

"Nope," she said. "Mom gave me the keys."

"Oh, that's just because you asked Lena. Stef would have given me the keys!"

"No, she wouldn't have."

The car started moving and they continued bickering so Jude just tuned them out, staring out the window and trying to remember the last time he'd been in a car. A bus, sure, but a car? That was the easier thing to think of. He watched the houses blur by and he dug his fingernails further into his palm as they got closer to the hospital. An ambulance drove by and Jude felt like _he_ was going to be sick. He hated hospitals. He had never realized it until now but he absolutely _hated_ hospitals. He hated how the building loomed in front of him and he hated how he couldn't tell what he was going to get until he walked inside. He wanted to not feel as anxious as he was.

"This is our stop!" Mariana announced. She turned around in the front to look at him. "I'm sorry."

Her words crashed onto him. "You know what's going on, don't you?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I'm sorry."

Jude almost asked her; he thought that she might tell him. Instead, he whispered a thank you and slid out the door, dropping to the ground. He adjusted his bag over his shoulders, straightening up like that would help him prepare and then he walked into the doors. The edges of his note bit into his palm as Jude walked himself to the elevator. _Room 608. Room 608. Room 608._ He pressed the button for the sixth floor and didn't glance at the young couple that was next to him. He couldn't tell if they were happy or sad and he didn't want to know. He didn't want to acknowledge anyone else.

They got off on the fifth floor and no one else got in. Jude was alone as he went to the sixth floor and he stepped out onto the bright tiled floors. There were nurses and doctors running around and he took an unsteady step forward. Where did he go? Which direction was room 608?

"Are you lost, honey?" asked a nurse, after nearly running into him.

"Um, room 608," he whispered.

"Straight down that hall on the right side," she said, and then she was on her way and Jude was left to go alone down the hall, watching the numbers on the right side.

Room 608.

Jude heard a woman laugh from inside the room and, as a test, he just barely peeked around the door frame. He saw the woman first, his brain registering her as almost familiar, before he looked at the hospital bed and then that was all he could see. Connor, sitting on the bed, a smile on his face and a grey toque on his head as he leant against the pillows. Jude stepped fully into the doorway, feeling like he couldn't breathe.

"Connor, I think you have a visitor."

The woman's voice sounded hollow and far-off, like she was shouting to him from the end of a long tunnel.

Connor's head turned and Jude became shaky, trapped by the exhaustion in Connor's bright eyes. His smile stretched even wider when he saw Jude and Jude found himself taking a single step into the room, willed there by Connor's presence.

"I'll let you two talk," the woman said, standing and gathering her jacket.

"What's going on?" Jude blurted, feeling like the fact that she had to leave them alone was a very bad sign.

"Thanks for keeping me company, Ms. Adams," Connor murmured, and the familiarity of her clicked dimly in Jude's brain.

"I'll stop by again soon," she promised. As she passed Jude, she laid a maternal hand against his shoulder and Jude didn't even think to shrug her off. "It'll be okay."

Why didn't he believe her?

Jude's knees locked as Ms. Adams left the room; his whole body locked. He felt like he couldn't even blink, lest something happen. Then, Connor said a simple "hey" and Jude flew to his bedside, sitting against Connor's hip.

"Are you okay?" It was such a stupid question, Jude knew, when things clearly weren't okay.

Connor looked away from Jude and if Jude didn't know any better, he would have said that Connor looked ashamed. Connor's bottom lip trembled when he whispered, "Don't hate me."

"Why would I hate you?"

"I just didn't want to lose this," Connor continued, like Jude hadn't spoken at all. "How we are as friends. I _know_ it was selfish, you don't have to tell me but, back when I was diagnosed, everyone started treating me different and they _all_ knew. My school was trying to be inclusive and so they gave an embarrassing presentation on it, telling everyone what it was and that I was still the same but I wasn't and they all acted like it."

It sounded so rehearsed but picturing Connor, laying in this bed and trying to pick the right words to say to him, hurt more than anything else that Jude could imagine.

"I met you and someone finally treated me normally and you didn't know and you can't imagine how grateful that I was for that. I couldn't tell you. I don't know if you can imagine this, either, but Ms. Adams and I have been arguing since I met you, on whether or not to tell you and how I should. I just … I didn't want to. I finally found someone that didn't treat me like a freak! And after you saw my arms, after you saw the bruising, you _did_ start worrying about me and I just thought … I thought it would get so much worse if you knew all of it and I … I did kind of know that this was coming and I was going to end up here. I knew that you were going to have to find out eventually and I just want to put off eventually. Does that make sense?"

Connor finally looked back at him and Jude couldn't even think that it all made sense. All that he could say was: "It's not really a blood disorder, is it?"

Connor shook his head. "No. Well, I didn't make up the platelet stuff. It's a part of it but, um, Jude, I have cancer."

Jude had been punched in the stomach before. Hearing those words definitely hurt worse.

"Cancer and then, Christmas morning, I got really sick and they brought me in and now my kidneys are failing and my doctor doesn't think that she can save them and so I'm going to need a transplant and now it doesn't even matter if I have cancer because that's not what's going to kill me!" Connor was half-hysterical but Jude shut down completely.

 _What's going to kill me._

"You're going to die?" he whispered, a loud ringing in his ears.

"I …" Connor didn't finish his sentence but he didn't have to. Jude could see it all on his face.

"You're going to _die_ and you've been _lying_ to me?!" Jude jumped to his feet, like he was going to storm out, and Connor grabbed desperately toward him, as if to stop him. "You're my best friend! Think about everything I've told you! Everything that puts me in danger and my sister in danger and you have been lying to me since the day that we met!"

"I know. I don't have anything to say about it."

"I trusted you."

"I know and I can't explain it any better! It wasn't about you! It's about me! I … I just wanted to keep you the same."

"Didn't you trust me? Didn't you know me at all? How could you think that about me? I was _worried_ about you because you're my best friend! Because I care about you! Was I going to wrap you up in cotton? Not let you move? Does that sound like me?"

"I didn't want to risk it."

Jude retreated to the chair that Ms. Adams had vacated and he pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around himself and just stared at Connor, who just stared back. He couldn't leave, he couldn't think, he couldn't breathe. Connor was going to die.

"I'm really sorry, Jude."

"It doesn't matter that you're sorry! I'm mad!"

"I know." Connor fidgeted with the edge of his blanket. "Do you hate me?"

"No." At least that was an easy question to answer. "I just can't believe you."

"I know. I felt guilty, all the time."

He felt guilty but he still hadn't told him the truth and Jude didn't think that he was ready to get over that.

"Do you want me to tell you more about it?"

Jude shook his head. He'd heard enough for today. He already had far too much to process and he just rested his head against his legs. Nothing was right. Connor had cancer. Connor was going to die. How could he get over that? How did he start to process that?

"Are you stuck here?"

Connor nodded. "Yeah. With the medicine and the dialysis –"

"I don't know what that means!"

"It's a machine that process my blood because my kidneys can't. I have to do it kind of often and I kind of hate it. And it keeps me kind of stuck here. Also, Dad. He doesn't want me to be home alone because he still has to work and he knows I'm always taken care of here," Connor rambled.

Jude huffed a sigh. What did he say? What did he do? The questions just served to anger him further because that meant Connor had a point in thinking that Jude wasn't going to treat him different and Jude wasn't about to prove him right. Yet, Jude was confused. How could Connor think things would ever be the same? He was hooked up to machines in a hospital bad, saying his disease was going to _kill_ him. How was that even close to the same?

"Do you hate me?" Connor asked, so quietly that Jude wouldn't have believed he'd spoken if he hadn't seen his lips move.

"I don't hate you but I am _mad_ at you. I trusted you! You lied to me!"

Connor just nodded and went back to playing with his blanket, eyes lowered. Jude sighed and unfurled his legs. If it was normal Connor wanted, it was normal Connor would get. He stood up and grabbed his bags.

"Where are you going?"

Jude just sat on the bed next to Connor, nudging him over so that he could sit next to him. He opened his bag and piled the small dictionary, the sticky notes, and a pen onto Connor's lap. He picked up the pen, staring at Jude.

"This is what's normal." Connor's hand nudged at Jude's arm and Jude shook his head. "No. I don't want to talk about it anymore right now. Maybe tomorrow or something but I don't know what to think or what even to say right now."

"Okay," Connor agreed. "Are you sure you want to read?"

"Yeah."

Jude flicked slowly through the pages to get to where he left off.

"Does that mean you're going to come back tomorrow?" Connor asked.

"Of course," Jude said. "Where else would I go?"

"I don't know _how_ mad you are."

"Not that kind of mad. Not the kind of mad where I'd rather … I'd rather not be here." It wasn't what he meant to say. He'd almost given too much of himself away, saying _Not the kind of mad where I'd rather be without you_. If Connor really was that sick, then there was a timer on the amount that Jude was actually going to get to spend with him and Jude wasn't going to waste it storming around the streets by himself and being mad.

"Okay," Connor said and he rested his head on Jude's shoulder. "Thank you for being here."

"I can't believe you didn't tell me." The words just slipped out as he stared down at the black ink on the page, everything blurring together. "You knew the whole time."

"Since I was thirteen."

"You could have just told me instead of telling me you had a blood disorder. You didn't just lie to me once you lied to me a whole bunch of times."

Connor worked his arm across Jude, hugging him tightly, but Jude realized that there was almost no strength in his arms. How had he never felt that before? Or was Connor really just falling apart that quickly? He had no way of knowing and no willpower to ask on his own.

"I'm sorry."

Jude tapped his finger against the page. "We left off here, right?"

"Close enough. I could listen to every part of this story a million times."

"You never get bored?"

"What's there to get bored of? It's great! Plus, things feel different every time and I like that I know the ending. It means I can appreciate everything else instead of just trying to get to the last part."

"All right, all right," Jude said. He cleared his throat and picked up at the top of the page.

He read slowly through the remainder of the afternoon and into the evening. Even when he wanted to quit, he kept going because it was easier than anything else. Adam came in about the same time that Connor's dinner did.

"Oh, hi, Jude," he said. "I'm glad you're here."

"Hi," Jude said.

"How was work?" Connor asked.

"It was work. Eat that, Connor. You have to eat."

Connor rolled his eyes but Jude couldn't bring himself to agree with his friend's playful frustration. He agreed with Adam and not with Connor. Connor needed all the help that he could get. Adam picked up the remote to the TV in Connor's room.

"Do you need to get home any time soon, Jude?"

"No." He never had to get home.

"Connor and I usually find a movie to watch. Do you want to sit with us for a while?"

Jude just nodded. Adam moved a seat so that he was right next to Connor's side of the bed and turned the TV on. He found a new comedy and put that on first. Nurses were in and out quite regularly and Jude tracked them as they looked at Connor's things – things that Jude didn't understand but desperately wished that he did. He wished he understood anything a little bit more but he didn't know how to ask Connor about it. He didn't know if Connor would even tell him the truth about it. He hadn't before. The hospital bed wasn't that big but, even still, Connor didn't keep to his own space and Jude didn't push him away, just let him stay close, leaning heavily against Jude. He was glad that Connor was willing to cuddle to him since he didn't have the willpower to pull Connor closer, even though he did want to.

When the movie was over, Adam reached out for Connor. "Do you want me to stay tonight?"

Connor turned his head to the side to look at Jude. "Visiting hours are almost over but sometimes Dad spends the night with me."

Jude nodded. "Um, okay, I'll be back tomorrow."

"Yeah, thanks. See you tomorrow, Jude."

Jude quickly packed his things but he felt that his body got heavier the closer that he got to the door. Once he was almost into the hallway, he turned back around, his eyes falling first on Adam, instead of on Connor. Adam was gripping Connor's hand tightly, his face filled with so much pain that Jude felt hurt. He glanced at Connor, who just waved at him so Jude had no choice but to just wave back at him and then continue on.

He made his way back to the elevator and, this time, Jude was alone when he boarded and descended down to the bottom floor of the hospital. He let himself out into the breezy night, wondering where to find the bus that would take him home. He hadn't spent any time around here before. What did he need with a hospital? He just started walking down the street that he thought that Mariana had driven on to get them there in the first place. Despite how the crisp air should have been clearing his mind, he just felt like he was walking in a haze.

Cancer.

There was so much packed into one small word that Jude didn't even know how to start thinking about it. In fact, the only thing that he could think of the entire way home, spent tripping over his own feet, was the word cancer. He couldn't think of anything else and he finally he was back at his house. He kept to the shadowed edge of the lawn and then he crept up the stairs to his and Callie's apartment. He swiftly locked the door and he stumbled inside, shutting and locking the door behind him. He didn't feel any safer. He didn't feel anymore secure. The world was still tilted on its axis and Jude didn't know if he would ever feel right again. Everything that had ever happened to him seemed designed to knock him off-kilter and he had never felt so out of sorts as he did now.

"Jude! Where have you been? Are you okay? You were supposed to be home at eight!"

Callie's voice came screeching out from their bedroom before she appeared, her feet thudding heavily on the worn floorboards.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

His mouth and throat were still dry from reading to Connor most of the day and he felt like he couldn't get the words out properly.

"Are you sure? Why are you late?"

Because, once he had stepped into that room, Jude had thought of nothing else but Connor. Because, time had ceased to exist for him and he hadn't even thought to seek out a clock. He had forgotten her and he felt ashamed to admit it.

"I … I …" He would have to tell her the truth. He always told Callie the truth but it got tied up in his mouth because once he said it aloud, it cemented it, it made it entirely more real. Connor had said it and now he carried it inside of him and now when he told Callie, when he repeated it, it would mean that he had made it real.

"Jude?" Callie stood in front of him and it occurred to Jude that she was now reaching up to him. Somehow, he had gotten a little taller than her and he hadn't realized it. She placed her hand against his forehead. "Are you sure?"

"He's dying." Jude felt like he'd been punched from saying the words and he dropped his backpack to the ground so that he could lean against the wall. He couldn't hold himself up anymore.

"Who's dying!?" Callie's eyes flew open in alarm and she grabbed at Jude again.

"Not me. Connor. He's … I was at the hospital, Callie! He's got cancer and kidney failure and he's going to die!"

Jude tried to hold them back but he felt the tears rolling down his face, so hot that he felt as thought they were going to scar his skin.

"Oh, Jude."

He couldn't take the overwhelming sympathy in Callie's voice as she hugged him tightly. His knees shook and he broke down against her, crying onto her shoulder. Jude could barely remember the last time that he'd cried, let alone the last time that he had broken down in front of Callie. He had always tried to honour the fact that she had more to worry about and more to think about and that he should try to be as little of a burden as possible, knowing why they were even in the situation they were in was because of him and what she had done _for_ him. He wrapped his arms around her small waist, snuffling and bawling like he was a young child again. He felt just as out of control as he had when they were trapped in the foster system and she felt just as rock solid and dependable as she had then but he wasn't lulled into the same sense of security that he had been then. Then, it was entirely believable that everything would be okay and there was nothing to hurt him in the world outside of Callie's arms. Now, all he could do was think about Connor in his hospital bed. Callie couldn't stop the outside world. Callie couldn't allow him the reprieve.

"I'm so sorry, Jude."

"It's not fair!"

"No, of course it's not," Callie said.

"I can't do anything! I _can't!_ I want to but … It's not fair!"

"I know."

It was all that she could say. It was all that anyone could say. But Jude wished that it wasn't. He wished that Callie had something that she could offer up as a solution. He wished that she could figure out what, exactly, to do so that Jude could go back to Connor with a plan. Some way to help. Something at all to do.

"It's okay, Jude, just try and let it out."

"I don't want him to die!"

"I know."

He waited for the false promise to come – the hope for the miracle, the maybe something will happen, the it will work itself out – but Callie wouldn't do that to him. Both of them knew that there were no miracles in this life, as hard as that was to stomach sometimes.

"Come on, come sit." She settled him down on the couch, brushing her fingers through his hair. "Let's try and eat something, okay? You might feel better after that."

Somehow, Jude doubted that. Somehow, Jude doubted he would ever feel completely better again.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **My Heart**_ **by the Perishers and** _ **Leaving Song**_ **by Mary Chapin Carpenter.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	23. Five Of Clubs

Connor perked up as Jude walked into the hospital room. He hadn't been entirely sure that Jude would come back today. He fully believed that Jude would come back eventually but he had doubts that it would be today. He was glad that Jude was here; grateful for both his presence on its own and the fact that be broke up the monotony of the schedule that he was stuck in. Jude put his bag down and stood by the end of Connor's bed.

"Okay, I have a question."

"Anything," Connor promised. It was the least that he could offer Jude.

"What's with the hat?"

It wasn't exactly the question that Connor had been expecting to hear but at least it was an easy one to answer. "Between the chemo and the radiation, all my hair fell out. My head gets cold."

Jude's lips twisted. It was almost a smile but not quite.

"Let's see."

"What? No. No way."

Bald heads were ugly. They were never smooth, never perfect, and he'd had long, shaggy hair that had been perfect – and obsessively grown out since the last time chemo had taken it from him. He didn't want Jude to ever picture him as bald and he didn't want to rub physical proof of his illness in Jude's face, either. Well, any more than the literal hospital room was already doing. He shifted over in the small bed so that Jude would have room to sit next to him.

"Why do you care?"

"Just curious," Jude said defensively, crossing one leg underneath of him as he sat. "Aren't I allowed to be curious? Or are you keeping more secrets?"

"No. I'll tell you anything that you want to know, now," Connor promised.

"You should have told me before. I don't think your reasons were good enough."

"I know. I felt like I needed it which isn't fair to you because you're my best friend and you deserved more than that. I should have told you instead of telling you I had a blood disorder."

"Yeah. Well, I'm not going to make you feel better about it."

No, not that Jude should, either.

"What did you do today?" Connor asked.

"Not much. Callie …" Jude closed his eyes. "Anyway, she had the flu over Christmas and she was finally feeling better last night so we had our Christmas dinner and I got leftovers this morning. Kind of a highlight, I guess. She's working today but she's been working close to home so I'm happy about that. Things are better when she's around. What's life like here?"

"Um, I have to do dialysis three times a week and I'm still doing cancer treatments right now. So, things are stressful. I constantly feel sick. Also, dialysis is boring. And gross. They use a machine to take out all your blood and put it back in."

"What, at once?" Jude asked, pulling a face and Connor actually chuckled.

"No. It's like a tube, so they take it out in one place and put it back in the other, so that it's like another vein or something."

"Oh," Jude said but Connor still wasn't sure if he explained it right or if Jude really understood. "How do they know they got it all?"

"I don't know. I guess that's why it takes so long." Jude opened his mouth so Connor quickly said, "About three hours. Like I said, it's _boring_. I just have to sit there."

"What? You can't even read? Watch TV? They make you watch?"

"I mean, I can. But I feel so stuck and it does hurt. I don't like it." Connor reached onto the nightstand beside him. "I had Dad bring me Mom's copy of _To Kill A Mockingbird._ "

"Why? Going through withdrawals now that class is over?" he snorted as he said it and, to Connor, he sounded much more like the Jude that he knew.

"Yeah, something like that. Plus, I don't have it memorized yet."

"Well, unfortunately for you, I'm not in the mood to read." Instead, he placed his cards and card book on the tray that drew over Connor's bed. "Why don't you pick the game?"

Connor pushed the book back at him. "You're just saying that because you haven't read the directions yet."

"I read _some._ To be fair, we didn't have the whole two and half weeks apart. If we did, I would have finished them."

"All right," Connor mused. "I believe you."

"Why wouldn't you?" Jude asked, and though Connor stared at him, Jude didn't look back at him. "I've never lied."

"No, I know," Connor said. "I guess I rationalized it too with knowing that you were keeping secrets. I thought you'd understand."

" _I'm_ keeping secrets to protect my life! To protect someone I care about – the one person I have and the one person I love! You kept secrets to make yourself feel better! It's not the same thing!" Jude's head flew up, his dark eyes a storm. "You don't get that excuse."

"Okay. I understand."

"I still don't," Jude said, dealing the cards. "But I don't know what else to say."

"Okay." Connor put his hand over his pile of cards.

"I'll come up with something eventually," Jude warned.

"That's what I'm counting on." Connor said and he picked up his cards. "Come on, Jude, pick something."

"Oh! Right!" Hurriedly, Jude flipped the pages. "I'll pick a good one, I promise."

"I believe you," Connor said again, and then they settled down to play.

(-.-)

Connor was asleep on Jude's shoulder. The pain medication that was delivered to him early afternoon made him groggy and tired and, after explaining that in a semi-slurred voice, he had passed out on Jude's shoulder. It had made him a little nervous, so the next time that a nurse came in, he asked her how long Connor was usually out for. The answer was not long but, apparently, not long had a flexible range and Jude really had no idea when Connor would wake back up. He held his novel up against his knees and tried to make his way through the pages, mouthing the words as he went. He had managed to get to chapter ten, so he knew that he was starting to read faster – if only by the tiniest bit. Connor would probably want to start chapter eleven when he woke up but Jude still didn't feel like he knew chapter ten well enough and now was the time to catch up. He shifted one of the sticky notes out of the way and glanced up as footsteps entered the room.

Adam.

Upon seeing his best friend's father, Jude bent the corner of his page and tried to think of something to say. Unfortunately, he just came up empty.

"Oh, hello, Jude."

Luckily, Adam didn't have the same problem.

"Have you been here long?"

"Um, since about noon, I think. Connor fell asleep and I'm kind of trapped."

Adam took the chair next to Connor's hospital bed and Jude tried to avoid thinking of how much time he'd been sitting there already.

"I can help move him, if you want."

"No, it's all right. I'm probably going to stick around for longer anyway."

Adam nodded, pulling a sub out of his briefcase. "It's just my lunch break from work. Do you want half? I always get the big one. I don't know why. I never eat it."

"Oh." Jude felt bad that he nodded. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. I know how easy it is to just get stuck sitting here, waiting for something to happen, whatever something is."

Jude nodded. "Yeah, I think I'm starting to realize that. I mean, we've been playing cards and I've been reading to him but it's not the same as hanging out."

Adam nodded.

"Even though it's not that different than what we normally do," Jude added, not wanting Adam to think that he and Connor were ever getting up to anything – like going to parties and drinking and kissing in hallway full of mistletoe.

"Connor's a good kid," Adam said. "I'm bringing his gaming system and some games over when I come after work tonight so there will be other things to do."

"I'm sure he'll appreciate that," Jude said, hoping that Connor woke up and interrupted the awkward conversation that he and Adam were having. He knew that he wasn't going to get his wish, though. Connor had barely moved.

"I know he gets lonely." Adam put napkins next to Jude and took a bite of his sandwich, finally, and, so, Jude felt like he had permission to take a bite of his half. "He doesn't make friends, easily."

"Me either."

"I'm glad you two found each other," Adam said and the way that Adam looked at him, Jude knew that he was about to get a bout of honesty and he felt goosebumps raise n his arms. "When he was diagnosed, he spent a long time lonely and a lot of time talking to the cat."

Jude cracked a grin. "If it helps – it might not – he talks to the cat even when I'm around."

"She's just not good at talking back. I was so glad when he told me that he met you and I was glad that he had someone to confide in."

Jude quickly took a bite of his sandwich so that his mouth was full. He hoped that chewing was enough to completely hide his expression. Connor _hadn't_ trusted him. Connor _hadn't_ cared enough about him to tell him the truth. And it was an even bigger slap in the face because Connor knew Callie's name. After only knowing each other for a few months, Connor knew the one thing that Jude had always sworn he would take to his grave. He'd even said that to himself after meeting Connor and now, Connor had all the pieces to him and he was now realizing that there was a lot of Connor that he was missing.

"He's been happier since you've been around. I've noticed that, especially since the treatments have gotten harder on him." Adam shook his head. "He wasn't happy about losing his hair again. He was so happy he managed to grow it out to the length that he did."

"He won't even let me see it," Jude said.

"I haven't seen it, either, really. He had me bring him his hat and that was it."

That, at least, made Jude feel a little better. It wasn't just something that Connor was hiding from him. Jude hadn't been singled out this time.

"I'm curious," Jude confessed, feeling like he shouldn't. What kind of person did it make him to be curious about a cancer patient's head? And then admit that to the cancer patient's father? It probably didn't make him a good one.

"He tried a wig, the first time. He hated it." Adam shook his head at himself. "I think it's still in the back of his closet. It would probably still fit him if he wanted it. He really hasn't grown much."

Adam finished off his sub and took Connor's hand and Connor still didn't stir.

"Do you think he'll wake up soon?" Jude asked.

"Maybe. It's hard seeing him like this too. It's not like sleep. The meds really knock him out. Dr. Meyer is trying to find the best combination for him that won't do this to him but, for now, this is what we have to stop the pain."

Jude picked the tomato out of the side of his sub and ate that on its own. Thinking of Connor in pain had taken his appetite away, though he knew that he should eat. He had to eat.

"Do you need anything else, Jude?"

Jude shook his head. "No, thanks."

"Are your parents okay with you spending so much time here?"

Parents. He was supposed to have parents. "Yeah. Well, they understand. He's important to me."

Adam balled the wrapper of his sub up and easily got it into the wastebasket. "Okay. I have to drive back to work. Can you ask Connor to text me and check in when he wakes up?"

"I will."

"I just want him to know that I was here."

"He'll know," Jude promised.

"Oh, he's going to want water when he wakes up. It's okay to give him that."

"Thanks," Jude said, and then Adam was gone.

Jude finished his sub, bit by tiny bit, reading the book as he went. He wiped his fingers on the napkin often to make sure that he wasn't getting anything on the pages. Even though Connor had gifted him the book, he still wanted to keep it in good condition. He didn't count bending the pages. He had seen previous ones bent and he knew that Connor did it too. He liked the feeling of bending the same pages that Connor had, wondering what Connor had been feeling at the time he was reading his exact copy. He wondered if that was along the lines of what Connor felt when he was picking up the different copies of _To Kill A Mockingbird._ He wanted to feel what Connor felt.

He was nearing the middle of the chapter when Connor started to stir.

"Morning," Jude said.

"No, no way it's morning," Connor slurred. "Jude, I'm thirsty."

"Okay, I'll get you water. You have to get off me, though."

Connor made a sound of annoyance and pushed himself off Jude, collapsing back into his pillows. Jude hurriedly grabbed the cup sitting on Connor's tray and went to grab water. When he returned, Connor was sitting up in his bed, rubbing at his eyes.

"Thanks."

"Your dad wants you to text him."

"He was here?"

"Yeah."

Connor sipped at his water. "He shouldn't. It takes him a while to get here from his office. He barely gets to spend any time here."

"I noticed that."

"And I always conk out about the same time each day so there's really no point." Connor finished the glass. "You know, it does make me happy that he comes, though. It makes me happy you're here too."

Jude picked at the blanket, trying to think of a way to talk to Connor without giving away his true feelings. How should he word things? What was normal for a boy to say? "Um, I had a realization … about you lying to me."

"Which was?"

"It made me feel like I really don't matter to you. Like, at all. When I've told you the truth about a lot. When you … matter t-to me. A lot," Jude whispered. "It hurts."

"I'm sorry."

Connor sounded genuine and that did help Jude feel better, though, admittedly, not a lot.

"You're my best friend. You matter to me a lot. _A lot_. I didn't lie to you because you didn't matter. I lied to you because you mattered too much and I was scared that me saying 'hey, by the way, I've got cancer and I might croak soon and I hope that's not a big deal' was going to be a big deal and you wouldn't talk to me again. I was too scared to risk it and I was also selfish because I didn't tell you, even when I learnt that you wouldn't just stop talking to me like that." Connor curled his knees up to his chest and Jude felt bad for making him talk so much, especially when his eyes weren't totally clear from his nap. "I just didn't want you to stop being my friend."

"You're stuck with me," Jude said, and Connor broke into a smile. "You are."

"Good." Connor curled back over, resting his head against the pillow. "Are you staying?"

"Yeah. What else am I going to do? Go bother all my other friends?"

"I thought your … guardian was mad about us being friends."

"Less mad now," Jude said, swallowing the lump in his throat as he joked, "Your sob story works wonders."

"Ha, that's true. Hey, grab the remote. Let's find something to watch."

Jude picked it up, starting to channel flip. Like they did at regular intervals, a nurse came in to check on Connor's stats and look at his bed sheets.

"Have you thought about taking a walk today?" the nurse asked, catching Jude off-guard. For some reason, he had just assumed that Connor was confined to his bed. He'd watched him get up and walk to the bathroom but never go further than that.

"I did," Connor said, and it sounded like a weak protest, even to Jude's ears. "This morning. When my dad came before work."

"You're allowed out of here."

"I know."

"It'll be good for you."

"I know," Connor mumbled again, sounding more ashamed every time he did so.

"We can't _make_ you," the nurse said, "but we'll do everything but."

"I know. I will … just not today."

She made a disproving sound before she left and, once she was gone, Jude wondered if he should say something, before deciding that there was no point to saying nothing.

"Why do you stay in here if you don't have to?" Jude asked.

"You're going to laugh at me."

"Maybe," Jude admitted, changing the channel. "But, at some point, I think that's what friends are for."

"I don't want to see other sick kids. Kids that are healthier than me make me jealous and kids that are worse than me drive me insane because I know I'm going to end up like that and I don't want to have to look at it." Connor hid his face against Jude's arm. "I just don't want to die."

"Maybe you won't,' Jude said, swallowing the lump in his throat.

Connor hugged him and Jude could tell that he was being humoured when Connor softly said, "Maybe I won't."

Jude knew he was just lying to himself but there had to be a small chance that Connor was wrong. There had to be _something_ that could save him. There had to be _some way_ for him to live. Jude just hoped that someone found it out before it was too late.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **I Do Adore**_ **by Mindy Gledhill and** _ **Out Of The Blue**_ **by Vertical Horizon.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	24. King Of Spades

As instructed, Jude showed up late to the hospital. Connor had dialysis that morning and he had all but forbidden Jude to see him going through it. Jude too the now-familiar route to Connor's room, passing nurses and doctors that he was starting to recognize by face. Being in the hospital made him feel caged and claustrophobic, and he wasn't even a patient! It was hard to imagine what Connor felt, having to stay here all the time. He peeked his head around Connor's door, to make sure that Connor was there. He saw Connor's grey hat peeked up above the pulled-high blankets and so he walked in carefully, afraid that Connor was asleep. The corner of the blankets peeled down as his footsteps echoed around the room and Connor blinked at him.

"You've been warned, I'm sick."

"That's why you're in the hospital."

Connor couldn't even really smile, just pulled the blanket back up around his face. Jude curled up in the chair that Adam usually sat in, not wanting to disturb Connor.

"Is this new?"

"Because of the dialysis. Makes me nauseous and tired for an hour or maybe two, after. Then it goes away." Connor groaned and Jude watched his fingers curl in the edge of the pillow.

"Want me to hang around?"

"Yeah, but I get if you don't want to."

Jude picked up the TV remote, turning it on and channel flipping. He propped his feet up on the end of the bed.

"Anything you feel like watching?"

"No."

"Can I help?"

"No."

Jude settled on a show, though it was hard to concentrate on it. Usually, he and Connor had a running commentary on whatever they were watching and the fact that Connor wasn't participating in that was more distracting than his voice had ever been. Jude had barely been there for ten minutes when Connor made a desperate grab for the basin on the stand next to him, turning his back on Jude to throw up noisily. Not knowing what else to do, Jude pressed the button for the nurse. He wanted to lay a hand on Connor's back, but he knew from his experience being the sick person, that he hated when Callie put her hands on him when he was being sick. The nurse shuffled in, a new basin in her hands.

"Well, not as good as last time," she said. "How's your pain?"

"Four," Connor said. "Just dizzy."

"Okay." She put a new bin on the table next to him, taking the dirty one into her hands. "I think we need to adjust your fluids. You'll feel better soon."

Connor nodded at her and she left. As soon as she was gone, Connor muttered, "Liar."

"What?" Jude asked, thinking that he had definitely seen that particular nurse before and she seemed nice enough. "You don't like her?"

"I like her but she's always says stuff like 'you'll feel better soon' and being too bright. I like the nurses that know that it's all downhill from here and don't try to hide behind optimism."

"What? They tell you 'good luck, kick the bucket soon'?" Jude said, thinking that it was probably the worst thing to say to someone in Connor's position.

"No, not like that. I mean, nurses do most of the motivating and most of the cheerleading. That's their job. They have to keep patients like me optimistic and I get it. But nurses like her feel too over the top." Connor pressed his face into the pillow. "Why aren't you sitting with me?"

"Because I don't want you to throw up on me," Jude said. He had a limited amount of clothing, after all.

"What if I promise not to?" Connor asked, his eyes probing at Jude. "I didn't last time I promised not to."

"I have reason to believe you didn't _actually_ have the flu and weren't actually going to throw up," Jude said, but he had already given in and was nudging Connor slightly over to give him room on the hospital bed.

Connor flopped across him, hugging him close. Jude felt like Connor was actually just treating him like a full-body pillow but he loved the closeness so much that he couldn't even sarcastically point it out, for fear that it would stop.

"I didn't," Connor admitted. "It was chemo."

"Because there are two things wrong with you."

"Mhm. There's the cancer and the kidney stuff and the chemo treats the cancer and causes the kidney stuff."

"Your treatments made you sicker?"

Connor's hand clenched in the side of Jude's shirt. "I'm unlucky."

"Should I bother you about it later?"

"No, I'll tell you. I mean, it's a lot of medical and Dad could use the real terms but I just got tired of learning all of it." Connor closed his eyes and looked like he was going green. Jude almost pulled away from him to grab the clean basin the nurse had left but Connor took a few deep breaths and seemed to steady himself. "So, um, you do chemo treatments in cycles, okay? You go through treatments for a certain amount of weeks and then you take a break and the doctors see if it works and then decide if they want to do chemo again or try something else."

"Okay," Jude said, just staring at Connor's hat.

"And some of the chemo and other treatments can cause kidney damage but not all kidney damage is permanent or ends in kidney failure. I'm just unlucky."

"So, are you still getting cancer treatments?" Jude asked.

"Yeah. They've been changing the drugs but they're not willing to give up on the treatments, just in case. I'm close to the end of the cycle."

Jude bit down on his lip and then he asked the question that he was almost afraid to hear the answer to. "So, is there no hope for any of it?"

"The worst part is that they think I could've beaten the cancer." Connor tilted his head back and Jude just stared down at his eyes. "Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. Apparently, it's one of the easier ones to beat."

Jude couldn't help himself and he grabbed onto Connor's hand.

"So, if they could fix my kidneys, they still think I could win. But, I'd need a new kidney for that and that's not going to happen. I don't even want it to happen."

"Why!?" Jude exclaimed, dropping Connor's hands, nearly pushing him away. "Why wouldn't you want that to happen!?"

"Because someone else would have to die. Live donors don't really exist and, so, to get a matching kidney, someone else would have to die. I don't want to hope for that."

Connor looked terrified as he said it.

"But you don't want to die?"

Connor shook his head and then he hid his face away. "Nothing makes sense, Jude."

Jude understood that more than anything else that Connor said today. He wrapped his arm around Connor's shoulders, his heart thudding dully in his chest as they lay close. They made it through the movie and, by the end of it, Connor was definitely looking better and he hadn't gotten sick again, which Jude counted as a good sign. Connor itched under the side of his hat and looked over at Jude.

"What now?"

"We only have so many options."

Connor shrugged, looking embarrassed. "You don't have to stay."

"Shut up," Jude said. "I'm not being forced to stay here and you know I'm not."

"Okay." Connor grinned and Jude's hurt thudded and twisted. As sick as he looked, he was still able to make Jude's heart skip. "So, what are we doing?"

"Um, do you want to play Hangman or something or would you rather me read to you?"

"We can play a few rounds," Connor said. "But, I want to make sure I hear you finish the book."

"You will," Jude said, probably a little too stubbornly.

"And soon," Connor added. "We're getting close to the part that I don't have memorized and I want to get that down."

"What? There's a part of this book that you _don't_ have memorized?" Jude asked, pretending to be overly scandalized by it.

It did make Connor smile. "Yeah. It's a long book to memorize."

"Okay, well, let me know when we get to the part you don't know," Jude said. He spread his notebook across his lap. "Do you want to go first or do you want me to?"

"You can," Connor said. "This is supposed to be about you learning."

"No need to rub it in that you know it all," Jude said, drawing out four short lines. He didn't want to have to scrounge through the novel for a word and so he picked _duck_ because he knew he knew how to spell that.

"I don't know everything." Connor cozied up closer, his head on Jude's shoulder. "I don't know what that word is."

"Well, take a guess."

"Okay, guessing … A!"

Jude happily drew a head, thriving off the fact that Connor, at least for the moment, seemed better.

(-.-)

"You smell like hospital."

"I know."

Jude curled up on his and Callie's ratty couch, pulling his knees up to his chest and then hiding his face down against his knees. The couch squeaked as she took the spot next to him and wrapped her arm around his shoulders. Jude took a deep breath and leant into her arm. As much as he just wanted to be next Connor, spending so much time in a hospital was draining. He couldn't imagine how much worse it was for Connor. It was one of the very few times that Jude felt honestly relieved to be back in the attic apartment.

"You don't have to go every day, you know."

"Yeah, but think about how I'm going to feel about that missed day later." Later, when Connor was dead and there was no more reading and no more games and no more conversations and no more head on his shoulder. Goosebumps prickled on Jude's skin at the very thought of it.

"You're a good friend, Jude."

"He's a better friend." Jude tapped his fingers against his shin. "He doesn't deserve it. There's terrible people that deserve it and he doesn't deserve it, Callie!"

"No, of course," she cooed, and Jude could tell that she was partly just placating him. For once, it didn't bother him. She didn't know Connor, despite all of her well-intentioned prejudices against him, and the best that she could do was just agree with what he was telling her. "I know he doesn't deserve it."

"I hate the feeling of helplessness. There's nothing that I can do but sit there. I can't cure him. I can't help him at all!"

"I'm sure just being there helps him," Callie said.

"He says that," Jude admitted. "You know what the worst part is?"

"What?"

"His dad. His dad comes in every day after work and we all just sit there and I hate looking at his dad. Especially when Connor's not looking because then the look on his face just hurts."

"I know how hard it is to see someone you love being hurt."

Jude leant his head against the back of the couch and looked at her. "Well, you never knew I was going to die."

"I never knew it but there were lots of times that I believed it. Especially the last home and, then, when you got hurt right after we left. Both times I thought that there was no way out this time. I couldn't take you to a hospital. I couldn't do anything."

"You put me back together, mostly." Jude's ribs hurt as he thought about them. "It could have been worse."

"Could have been better too."

"Do you think that we ever would have found a family if we'd stayed in the system?" Jude murmured, thinking of Adam, thinking of what it would be like if he had _parents_ that loved him and cared for him as he grew up, instead of the steady eye of his sister, who should have been a child too.

"No," Callie said definitively. "Kids our age? Siblings that wanted to stay together? No one out there would have wanted both of us, Jude."

Her head rested on his shoulder, higher up than Connor's usually did.

"Well, I am glad that there's both of us."

Whatever else happened, he'd always have Callie.

"You'll never be without me," she promised, as she always had. As, Jude presumed, she always would. "And, speaking of watching out for you …"

"Uh oh."

"New Years Eve, I want you in this house by no later than three. Don't even think about leaving."

"Is Nic throwing a party?"

"There's going to be people in and out of here all night and I don't want a single one of them to know that you exist."

It was the story of his life, wasn't it?

"I'll be in here. I'll be good." He knew that this wasn't just Callie being overprotective, for once. Holidays weren't good around the house, every drug addict and casual user appearing for Nic's services, everyone he employed running in and out to wander the town. Money and drugs and alcohol would be flowing because, not only would Nic be working, he'd be holding a party that would scandalize anyone. Jude wasn't an idiot; he wanted no part of any of that. "Where will you be?"

"I'll be downstairs," Callie said. "Probably in the basement for most of it but, you know, Nic likes me around at parties."

Jude wanted to believe that his sister was just going to be arm-candy for her so-called boss.

"You be safe too."

"I will be. I'll just do a lot better if I know that you're up here."

"You can seal me in yourself," Jude promised.

Callie nodded against his shoulder. "I love you, Jude."

"I love you too."

"I'm going to go catch some sleep. You should come too."

"I need to shower before bed," Jude said. "I smell too much like hospital."

"Make it quick. Knock on wood there's hot water."

Jude nodded and then he headed for the bathroom.

(-.-)

Connor wasn't entirely happy with him; Jude could tell.

"What time do you have to leave?"

"Before two-thirty," Jude said. "I need to be sealed in the attic before three."

Connor sighed and turned his face into Jude's shoulder. "Okay. Fine. When is she letting you out tomorrow morning?"

"Whenever. Why?"

"Come back early in the morning?" Connor asked. "There's something we can do tomorrow."

"Which is?"

"I'm not going to spoil the surprise," Connor said. "Unless you don't want to be here tomorrow."

"Stop it," Jude said. "If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be."

"Sorry," Connor said, peering up at him. "I feel bad that I'm keeping you stuck here when you don't have to be. A hospital isn't a great place to be."

"Yeah, well, if you're here, I'm here, and I'm _not_ going to say it again," Jude said, perhaps a little too harshly, but he hated reminding Connor of it, because he always felt like he was on the verge of giving too much away.

"Are you mad at me?"

"No," Jude said. "You were the one that said we don't fight."

"You got mad at me first," Connor claimed.

"Yeah, 'cause you're a _liar_ and I'm never going to forgive you for that."

"Not even when I'm on my deathbed?"

"See, now I'm mad at you for that." Jude crossed his arms tightly over his chest, dislodging Connor from him, even though he didn't stand up and move away from him. It didn't matter how mad he was at Connor; he wasn't going anywhere. Not while Connor was still here.

"I thought you would be. But I spent so long not saying it that, now, I feel like I can't stop. I can never forget here, Jude."

"Well, I don't forget even when I'm not here so stop saying it!"

Connor's hand tugged at his wrist. "I'm sorry, Jude."

Connor's hand folded down and took Jude's and Jude was powerless to stop him. He screwed his eyes shut, forcing the tears down. It didn't matter that he had cried before; he wasn't going to cry in front of Connor. He would feel bad; Connor would feel bad. He was grateful for the sounds of footsteps approaching the room. Anything to distract from the pain zipping within his heart.

"Hi, Connor! Hi, Jude!"

It was Ms. Adam's. Jude could admit that he was surprised to see her here. At least a little bit. He knew how close she and Connor were. Maybe it shouldn't have been so surprising that she visited Connor. She had given him her phone number. Jude wasn't so blind to school to think that was something that all teachers did for all students.

"Hi, Ms. Adams," Connor trilled, like he was a good schoolboy, while Jude just managed a mumble of, "Hello."

She sat in the chair that Adam usually took, putting her bag down by her feet and shrugged out of her light jacket. "How are you feeling today?"

"Not so bad, on the pain scale," Connor said. "Not feeling so good about the floor party they're doing for New Years."

"Why not? Sounds like fun."

Jude and Connor rolled their eyes at the same time. Jude understood why Connor wanted him to stay later; if he had a guest, perhaps he wouldn't have to go. Jude was torn about that. He knew that he wouldn't be able to stay, no matter what, but he was also sure that getting Connor out of his room would be good for him in the long run. The dilemma was that Jude just wanted what Connor wanted.

"You don't have to be my vice-principal," Connor said. "We're out of school."

"Then you can call me Lena."

"Ha, no," Connor replied.

"Jude will," she said confidently, smiling at him.

"Oh, well …" Jude stammered, caught off-guard by the fact that she was talking to him. "I guess so. Why wouldn't I? You're not my teacher."

"Exactly."

Connor interrupted Jude's awkwardness. "Are you guys doing anything for New Years?"

"Stef –"

"Ms. Adam's wife," Connor interrupted to Jude. "Well, she's Mrs. Adams-Foster but I couldn't get used to the switch."

Lena was just smiling brightly at the two of them and her optimism was starting to dig under Jude's pessimistic skin. He didn't really understand why Connor wasn't grumbling about her over the top happiness when he did nothing but narrow his eyes at peppy nurses who, as far as Jude could tell, were just completely well-intentioned. They were nurses. What else were they going to do?

"Right. Stef, my wife."

And there was also that. If only Callie could see him now. She'd probably think he was catching gayness by being in the room with the two of them.

"She and I are just going to spend the night in. Brandon's at school –"

"Their oldest son," Connor interrupted again.

"He went back yesterday, even though break isn't over yet. He had some responsibilities on campus. And Mariana and Jesus –"

Connor opened his mouth but Jude beat him to it this time. "I remember them."

"Right. They have their own parties to get to. It'll be nice to have a night to ourselves." Lena laughed. "We say that but I don't think we'll cope that well with being empty-nesters."

"No more foster kids?" Connor asked.

"We'll never close our home," Lena said seriously. "Not when there might be kids that need us but, for now, it's just the two of us and the twins."

 _Foster kids?_ They were _foster parents_? Jude tried to hide the interest on his face. As far as Lena was concerned, he was just another normal, stable kid. As far as Connor was concerned, there was no part of Jude that was owned by the system. For a moment, Jude stared at Lena's kind face and erratic curls and let himself wonder what it might have been like if he and Callie had found her and her wife. Then, the moment ended and Jude cut it off. His life was his life. There was no going back and there was no changing it.

He hadn't realized that his grip on Connor's hand had become tight until Connor squeezed him gently. Jude let go but Connor didn't let him away completely. His snuck his fingers around Jude's and Jude didn't have the heart to yank his hand away. He nestled their joined hands between their bodies so that no one could see. No one would know. He would always know. He would feel the warmth of Connor's palm against his own forever.

"Stef's picking up wine and I'm supposed to get takeout," Lena said. "I just thought I hadn't come to see you in a while and I really wanted to know how you were doing."

"Same old, same old. No donor, no hope." Connor shrugged and then he sighed, meeting Jude's eyes for a moment. "Dad says he wants me to try and keep up with homework and stuff when school starts up again. Did he tell you about that?"

"No, but I haven't been checking my work e-mail as rigorously as I probably should have been. What do you think about that?"

"Part of me thinks what's the point? It's true I'll never use it but, on the other hand …" Connor frowned. "I'm not even thinking of it in terms of what if I make it but that I'm going to go so stir crazy I'd almost rather do calc."

Jude had no idea what calc was but the way that Connor spat the word, he knew that it wasn't a good thing.

"Well, I can drop some things off and you can do what you want and what you can."

"Once school actually starts again," Connor said quickly. "I think I do still deserve a real break."

"That's true," Lena said. "I'm sure Jude will be able to help you at some things."

Jude tried not to laugh while Connor said, "Jude always helps."

"Mhm. You've said that before. Are you enjoying you break, Jude?"

Jude completely missed the fact that she asked him a question. Connor had said that? Not just now but before? He felt like he was leaning over an open fire. His body was that warm. He only zoned in when Connor nudged him incessantly and covered Jude's blunder with, "How much can Jude be enjoying break when he's always here with me?"

"What did I _just_ tell you?" Jude asked.

"Sorry. But, to be fair, I didn't say that to you. I said that to Ms. Adams."

Connor's smile was too cute. Jude forgave him for too much, too quickly.

"All right. You can say it … when I can't hear it."

"Fine, deal," Connor said dramatically, like it was a great concession that he was doing so.

"Well, people like being here with you, Connor," Lena said. "And you know you like the company."

"Well, yeah," Connor agreed. "I'd go crazy without Jude coming every day." He leant his head back and looked at Jude. "I mean that. Crazy."

"Can't get worse," Jude snipped, starting to feel cagey. He didn't like the way that Lena was here. She seemed nice. Nicer than Jude expected out of an adult who was a foster parent. That being said, if she knew foster kids, if she knew the system, if she suspected anything about him, he and Callie wouldn't be safe. And, he was also resentful that she was here when he had so little time with Connor today. Jude was aware that it shouldn't be like that at all. Connor should see other people and Jude probably shouldn't be so crazed and possessive about his time with Connor. Just because he was aware of it, though, didn't mean that he knew how to stop his feelings.

"Shut up," Connor said, but he was laughing about it. Jude just paid attention to the expression on his face and not the way that he felt Lena's eyes on him. He didn't want to think that she was paying any special attention to him. He didn't want that confirmed.

"What are you doing for New Years, Jude?"

"Oh, my, uh, parents are hosting a party for their friends. I'm mostly staying out of the way," Jude said, hoping that there were no more questions. He didn't want to lie; he was always worried he'd accidentally give something away or he'd not keep something straight and get caught. He couldn't talk enough to dig himself out of a hole like that. Callie was the one who always did that for him.

"Well, I hope you have a fun night, anyway," Lena said.

"Connor will have more fun at the floor party," Jude said, hoping that the reminder of it would be enough to get Connor and Lena talking about it again.

"There's no way I'm having any fun."

"You might love it," Lena said. "You could meet some people here on the floor and have friends here."

Jude just snorted. He could imagine that it was the type of look that Connor had on his own face.

"Ms. Adams, I have no friends."

"Hey!"

"One friend."

"Well, no one here is going to treat you weird because you're sick. Everyone here is sick, Connor," she said.

"I know," Connor said. "But I don't want to see them now instead of the other way around."

"Isn't that kind of hypocritical?" Lena said.

"Yeah, it is," Jude said before Connor could say anything. "But it's not like you can change his mind about anything."

"Me? You're stubborn!" Connor said. "You're way worse than I am! No one can tell you anything."

"Who's always convincing how to do what?" Jude asked. "Books, hangman, that party –"

"That's just 'cause you never tell me no," Connor said cockily. "Why wouldn't I if I know you're going to let me get away with it?"

"You just don't listen."

"I listen to you," Connor said.

Jude just rolled his eyes and nudged his shoulder into Connor's. Connor was in a good mood and wasn't afraid to push back against him. Jude had the misfortune of glancing at the clock and his stomach sank.

"I have to go," he told Connor.

"No, you're right. I don't listen. I didn't hear that at all."

When Jude tried to slip his hand out of Connor's, Connor didn't let go.

"I'll be back tomorrow, just like I said. Bright and early, just like you said."

Jude squeezed Connor's hand.

"Promise?"

"Pinkie promise," Jude said. They linked their pinkie fingers together and then he managed to slip out of his grasp and out the door.

He wished he could have stayed forever instead of marching toward the mess that his house was sure to be.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Let It Out**_ **by Tom Rosenthal; and** _ **Wait For You**_ **by James Lindsay.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	25. Four Of Clubs

It was not how Jude wanted to start his day. He'd woken up to realize that he was alone, not that it was unusual. Callie had probably had some sort of business to take care of down on the first floor. Jude had pushed that from his mind and had gone through the motions of heating up a burger to have for breakfast. He'd tried to eat it without tasting it. He hated the taste of fast food burgers with a passion now but he'd rather eat it than go hungry. He'd been hungry before and he knew that any food option was better than starving. He'd gotten dressed while eating and peeked out the attic window, trying to see if there was anything on the lawn that he should have avoided. Spotting nothing, he'd opened the attic door and found Callie passed out on the steps, right in front of the door, covered in vomit that Jude hoped was hers. Not that it made vomit better to know that he was touching his sister's instead of a stranger's. Jude sighed and hefted Callie into his arms and pulled her back into the apartment, grateful when she stirred slightly, her eyes cracking open.

"Jude!"

The scent of vodka wafted out of her mouth and she even slurred his name.

"Oh, Callie." He shook his head and propped her up against the wall so he could lock the door. "How was last night?"

"Great!"

"You have to shower. You're disgusting."

"Don't talk to me like that!" Callie tried to push herself off the wall and ended up falling completely into Jude.

He pulled a face. He was out of clean shirts now. What was he supposed to wear out? If he could even leave Callie alone today.

"Come on. Let's get you into the tub."

They tripped their way across the apartment and Jude finally got her into the tub. The last thing that he wanted to do was see Callie naked but he knew that he couldn't leave her in her clothes and her hair was gross enough that it just wasn't fair to roll her into bed either. He gritted his teeth together and pulled Callie's short dress off over her head. She was wearing a bra and underwear underneath and Jude wasn't about to take those off her too. This was more than enough. He turned on the water and Callie hissed like a cat, bringing her hands up to cover her face.

"No, Jude, no!"

"We just have to rinse your hair. I'm not going to do more than that. You need to be clean before you get into bed."

"I wanna be in bed."

"Soon," Jude promised. "Can you try and sit up a little bit more?"

Callie did, teetering from side to side within the confines of the tub. Jude rinsed her off as quickly as possible and left her alone while he went to get the big nightgown she wore to bed. He heard a thud that he just _knew_ was Callie falling out of the tub and his shoulders slumped forward. He couldn't remember the last time that she had been so intoxicated around him. He carried the shirt into the bathroom and found her trying to pull herself up by the sink. He got his arms around her and got her into the bedroom, pulling the nightgown over her head and telling her to try and get her wet things off.

"You got so tall, Jude," she complained.

"I can't control that. And I'm not that tall."

"Yet."

Callie's wet bra flung across the bedroom and Jude tried not to roll his eyes. She grabbed onto his hand.

"I love you."

"I know, I love you too."

"But I hate you," she said bitterly.

"Callie, don't, okay, you're drunk, and you don't want to spend time making it up to me later."

He knew what she was going to say. She'd never been drunk enough or upset enough to voice it to him before but he had seen it in her eyes when she looked at him and they talked about the past.

"If it weren't for you, someone might have loved us. I wouldn't have had to protect you. I wouldn't be living this way."

"I'm going to get you some water."

He didn't have to listen to her. He knew that. But it was also so hard to walk away from her. He took a deep breath when he was in their small kitchen and then filled up their largest glass and took it back to the room. She glared up at him with bleary eyes.

"Don't say it," he warned her as he put the glass down on the floor. "Are you going to be okay here alone?"

"I can't look at you."

Well, then.

"Okay, I'll be home later."

"Don't get AIDS from fucking your boyfriend."

" _CALLIE_!" Jude's voice turned into a scream.

"What? Like you wouldn't rather be sucking dick."

"Callie," Jude whispered and he actually felt his heart fracturing inside of his chest. Was that really what she thought of him? His loving sister. His only protector. The one person he knew he could count on. And she thought the same of him as everyone else. She, on the inside, was the same as the people who had hurt him.

"I've done everything for you."

"I know," Jude murmured. "I love you for that."

He'd love her through anything and he knew that was why he hurt so much. He'd always thought that she loved him through everything too.

"You shouldn't love me at all," Callie said, curling inward on herself.

Jude faltered on the hardwood for a moment and then he went to sit next to Callie on the bed. He knew that she was too drunk to appreciate what he was going to say but he knew that he had to say it anyway. "I'm always going to love you, Callie. I'm always going to appreciate what you've done and do for me. I know you're doing the hard stuff. I _know_ that. But I can't help you. I don't know how and you won't let me. But if I could do anything for you, I would too. Um, but, you can't say stuff like that to me. I didn't force you into this choice."

She sat up, shaky, wobbling, and filled with fire. "WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? LET YOU DIE!?"

She shoved him, hard, and he flopped off the mattress. It was only a small fall but Jude was too surprised to catch himself and he felt his cheekbone collide with the hardwood floor. He sat up and rubbed at his face and stared at Callie.

"Get out! I don't want to see you! GET OUT!"

Jude didn't have to be told twice. He left the bedroom, shutting the door securely behind him. He stripped off his disgusting t-shirt and left it soaking in the kitchen sink. He put his sweater and jacket on, picked up his bag, and left the apartment. He was off the property when tears welled up in his eyes and he rubbed at them. He wasn't going cry. Not over Callie. Not in public. He rubbed at his face until he knew it was going red, hoping that he looked somewhat normal when he got on the bus. He wanted to go straight to the hospital but he knew that he needed a shirt first. He stopped by the thrift store and picked up a long-sleeved grey shirt, popping into the fast food place next store to tear off the tags and put it on. Then, he was on his way to see Connor. He knew he was late and he could just imagine Connor's cranky face, especially having to leave so early yesterday.

Jude knew that he probably shouldn't go. He knew that, if that's what Callie really thought, he should just keep his distance from Connor, but he didn't want to. All he wanted now was the comfort of being next to his best friend. He hoped, selfishly, that Connor was having a good day because he was the one that needed someone else to be strong. He just couldn't do it, not after this morning. He got into his elevator and headed toward Connor's room, his feet dragging on the floor. He didn't have enough strength to even pick up his feet.

When he rounded into Connor's room, he nearly collapsed to the floor. Connor wasn't alone. There was an unknown boy, sitting next to Connor's bed.

"Hey, Connor."

"Shh," the guy said. "You're ruining the best part."

Jude tried not to glare at Connor. Connor just smiled at him and gestured Jude to him. Feeling bitter that his entire day was apparently ruined and no one liked him as much as he thought they did, he stubbornly took the chair next to Connor's bed instead. He glanced at the screen of the TV where two children were sneaking across a castle of some sort. Immediately feeling out of the loop, Jude glanced at the intruder. A boy, their age, maybe a little older, with a bald head and a bright green sweater over his hospital gown, chewing on his fingernail as he stared at the TV. Jude put his head down on his arm, fighting to keep his eyes open. He knew he'd start to spiral. The movie finally cut to a commercial.

"Jude, this is Jake. I met him at the New Years party last night. Jake, this is Jude, my best friend."

Well, at least he still had the monopoly on that. For now.

"Hi." He half-heartedly lifted his hand in a wave.

"Hey! I like your hair!"

Of course, he had to be nicer than Jude too.

"Thanks."

"My hair used to be pink before chemo," Jake said and Jude could hear himself telling Connor how gay pink hair was.

"Jude said he'd dye my hair but we never got around to it. Now it's gone."

"You're going to overheat and die in that hat, by the way," Jake said. "Embrace the baldness."

"Uh-uh, no way. Over my dead body."

"It will be, unless they put a wig on your corpse."

Jude put his head in his hand. No, he definitely didn't like Jake.

"Think it'll itch in the afterlife?" Connor asked.

He was feeling like he didn't like Connor all that much either.

"No such thing as the afterlife. Oh, quiet. It's on again!"

Jude didn't even know what _it_ was. He glanced at the screen and the kids were back, this time, accompanied by a blond adult man. He watched it with mild interest, though he was forcing himself to be interested. He didn't want to look at Connor and he didn't want to look at Jake. All he wanted to do was put his head through a wall and knock himself out until tomorrow. Hopefully, he'd wake up today and find out that today was all some kind of fever dream.

"I love these movies," Jake said. "Honestly. Perfection."

"Movies are good, books are better."

"I've never read the books. I don't want to ruin the movies."

"Book Ron is better," Connor said, like he was dangling a carrot in front of Jake.

Jude just felt lost. Who the hell was Ron?

"I only like boys in real life."

Jude sat up a little straighter, glancing at Jake. Was that what Jude thought it was?

Before anything else could happen, a nurse poked her head in the door.

"There you are, Jake. Come on."

He rolled his eyes as she gripped the back of his wheelchair. "Chemo. I'll see you tomorrow, Connor."

His hand touched Connor's and Jude's stomach rolled. That was _definitely_ what Jude thought it was. He had thought about and categorized every way a teenaged boy could flirt and he knew that was what Jake was doing with Connor. And he wasn't allowed. Except he was. Because he was just Connor's best friend and he was supposed to be straight and everything just _hurt_ because he had nothing. He didn't even have himself. Once Jake was gone, Connor looked at him.

"Why aren't you sitting with me?"

"Didn't think you'd want me to."

"I always want you to. I was worried about you."

"You were?" Jude asked, climbing onto the uncomfortable mattress.

"Yeah. You were late. And you promised me you'd be here. I don't think you'd break a promise so I thought that something might have happened."

"Something did," Jude said.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Jude curled into Connor's shoulder, feeling like he was going to cry. "No."

"Want me to be quiet too?"

"You don't have to."

"So, the reason I wanted you to come early is because this is a marathon of the _Harry Potter_ movies. I told you that you should watch them, remember?"

"You told me to read _seven_ books."

"Eventually. But I wanted to watch the movies with you. I might not even get to hear you get to the end of _Mockingbird._ But I really want to do that. I need to memorize it."

"We'll get to it," Jude promised, sorry that he'd missed part of something that Connor had been counting on sharing with him. "What did I miss?"

"Oh, watch this part and then I'll explain it next commercial break, okay?"

"Okay."

Jude cuddled down against Connor's shoulder, watching the figures on the screen. The morning crept away into afternoon. Connor's lunch was delivered and, when it was, Connor bullied Jude into taking a ten-dollar bill from his wallet and going down to the cafeteria to get food for himself. Jude wouldn't have done it if Connor hadn't been refusing to eat and he just took it. He wanted something other than the taste of this morning's foul flavour. He was back up in Connor's room without missing much of whatever number movie they were on, though Connor was sure to fill him in.

"Want me to take notes when your meds knock you out?"

"I have a quiz prepared for when I wake up," Connor promised.

"Yeah, I don't doubt that. Finish your lunch."

"Don't tell me what to do."

"I can tell you whatever I want," Jude said. Connor just didn't _have_ to listen.

Connor rolled his eyes but he finished off the last few bites of his sandwich. As always, a nurse came in, rolling Connor's bed tray out of the way so that she could get easier access to the bed.

"Okay, Dr. Meyer has adjusted your medication slightly. It might still make you drowsy and sleepy but hopefully it won't be as bad. We're going to keep a close eye on you to see how you react to this one."

"Okay. Will I be asleep as long?"

"We'll know when you wake up. But, you won't feel as fuzzy when you do wake up, that's for sure."

"I like that part. Okay, let's do it."

While Connor's medicine was administered, Jude pulled the chair and his backpack closer to the bed so that if he wanted anything out of it, he wouldn't have to disturb Connor. Not that he thought that moving around on Connor while he was on his meds would actually wake him up. He settled back into his place and Connor curled up against him, just like Connor always did. At least this was normal. It didn't take away from how his day had started but _this_ was all that he had wanted when he left his house this morning. He knew Connor wanted him to watch the movie but he just watched Connor as he shifted around, his lids half-drifting.

"I wish you were here all the time," Connor murmured, his voice starting to remind Jude of Callie's drunk slurring, though Connor's words were oceans away from hers. "One more sleepover."

"I'm sure there's at least one nurse you can bribe."

"You do it," Connor said. "I'll look sick and sad."

"You look fine, I promise."

"Liar," Connor managed, but he barely got that word out and Jude knew that he was gone for the next little while.

Jude took his notebook out of his bag and sat it up against his knees. He thought about trying to write down something of his day but he didn't see the point in putting it into words. It wasn't going to help. So, he paid attention to the movie, trying to spell out words that he heard them say. He got tripped up sometimes because he was sure that some of them were absolutely made up words and that wasn't fair at all. Also, he didn't think that Hermione was a name and he had eight different variations on how that might go and he was sure none of them were right. He'd get Connor to correct him when he finally woke up.

He looked away from the screen, down at Connor, and then he looked to the chair where Jake had been sitting earlier. He wished Connor hadn't met the guy. The guy who had pink hair once upon a time and was definitely trying to flirt with him because what would Jude do if Connor picked Jake? Where would he be if Connor got a boyfriend now? A boyfriend that _wasn't_ him? Connor had kissed him first! Connor was his! Jude wrapped his arm around his stomach. He felt like Callie was lost to him now. What was he supposed to do without Connor too? A tear leaked down his cheek and Jude scrubbed at his face.

His whole life, he'd always had Callie. He'd never been alone. What would he do if he was alone?

He felt a hand wrap around his wrist and twist up to touch his face.

"Don't cry."

"You're supposed to still be asleep."

"Don't cry, Jude," Connor said. "Talk to me."

"I'm okay."

"I'm the liar, not you," Connor argued, sitting up a little and trying to look more alert. "Jude?"

"It was a really bad morning. I just don't know what's going to happen tonight when I have to go home."

"Don't go home."

"I can't stay here."

"Dad will take you."

"He'll ask questions."

"And life can't change for you," Connor replied. "If you want help, Jude, no matter where I am, you can go to Dad."

"I –"

"He loves you for being here with me. If you need help, you can go there. Even if I'm not here."

"You're _not_ going to die," Jude snapped. "You're _not_."

"I'm sorry," Connor whispered and he clung to Jude's wrist again. "Talk to me."

Jude's lip quivered. He wanted to tell Connor everything. There were so many secrets he was supposed to keep. Callie was sobering up at home – she might not remember their fight in the morning. It wasn't something that he should burden Connor with, anyway. Connor had enough to carry around. And he didn't want to make Jake look any better by comparison.

"Trust me. I wouldn't tell anyone."

Connor hugged him and then Jude really did break down against him. He hid his head in Connor's shoulder, like Connor did to him when he was in pain. He felt Connor's arms wrap around him and he could feel the weakness in his hold; it was the proof that Connor was slowly slipping away from him and Jude just cried harder. He wanted to tell Connor the truth but he couldn't, because then he would have to either tell Connor that he liked him or Connor would know the truth about him and think that he'd pushed him away at the Christmas party for a different reason. Jude didn't want anyone to know the truth about him. He wanted to still have deniability and he was too scared for Connor to know the truth because it was about more than the word _gay_. It was about the words _I like you_ and _I want to kiss you again_ and _I'm going to die_.

"Callie and I had a bad fight. She was drunk and she didn't mean it but –"

 _Like you wouldn't rather be sucking dick._

"But what if she did?" Jude cried.

"You always said that she loved you. I don't think you were wrong about that. People who love you can say the wrong things thinking it's for the right reasons."

"It's not like with your dad. She was drunk and talking about the past and how we ended up here and apparently, it's my fault. She made all the choices but it's _my_ fault."

"No, it's not," Connor said. "I don't believe it."

"What if things were different?" Jude asked.

"I think that all the time but we didn't do anything to cause the bad things. I wish there was a reason," Connor said. "It would make it easier."

Jude closed his eyes, hearing the thump of Connor's heart under his head. It was more soothing than anything else that he could think of. It was all he could focus on. He only sat up when he heard someone come in. He didn't want anyone at all – even someone who didn't actually know him – to know that he was breaking down. He was supposed to be better than that. He was supposed to be closed off and untouchable. And he had been. He used to be. And he didn't think that he would be better off if he had remained that way.

The nurse was back, asking Connor questions about how he felt. She said that the doctor would be by once Adam visited for the night and then she was gone again.

"Should I go if your doctor is coming?"

"Our movie marathon isn't over yet!"

"I haven't paid attention to anything that's happened in the past – Is that a giant spider?!"

"Aragog."

"Whatever."

"Yes, it's a giant spider," Connor said. "Which means there's only two movies left. I mean, you shouldn't be in the room when Dr. Meyer is here but you should come back."

"Well, I was planning on it," Jude confessed. "Unless you wouldn't rather have someone else here."

"Someone else like _who_?" Connor asked and he sounded so genuinely confused that it was actually a comfort to Jude. "I've got one friend. And you're the only person I'd want around."

" _Jake_ 's not a friend?" He tried not to sound threatened or snobby as he said it but he thought he flunked.

"Oh, well, maybe. I met him at that stupid party last night. They tried but it sucked and we're close in age so we talked. I mentioned I was showing you the _Harry Potter_ movies and he invited himself in. I didn't know how to avoid it and – this is going to sound bad – but he'd already told me he had chemo later so I knew he wouldn't be around all day." Connor shrugged. "I don't really know him. I guess we could be friends but he's kind of pushy. It reminds me of Daria a little bit."

"Oh."

"I mean, I like Daria, but I don't understand her and even before I was sick, we weren't really friends, just friendly, you know?"

"I understand," Jude murmured.

"So, you'll stay for the last two?"

"Yeah."

"Dad's going to show up part way through."

Jude shrugged. "I'm not scared of him anymore."

"He likes you."

"I _almost_ believe that," Jude said. "How was Ms. Adams yesterday?"

"I thought you were allowed to call her Lena," Connor said with a smirk.

"Feels weird to do it with just you here because you don't call her that," Jude said. "But, okay, how was Lena yesterday?"

"It was nice. We talked a lot about school which, I guess, shouldn't surprise me."

"Are you going to miss school?" Jude asked carefully.

"You know, I think I might. But I miss everything outside of the hospital. It's going to be weird to not go back but I really _can't_. I feel … I feel like even though I knew that this is probably where it would end, it came out of nowhere and my life was just ripped out from under me. I miss my bed and I miss home and I miss my cat. I'm not going to see Jelly again."

"Oh," Jude murmured. He hadn't even thought of the cat. He probably should have. Did that make him a bad friend?

"Was last night okay for you, even if this morning wasn't?"

"Loud around the rest of the house, quiet in my place. I played Solitaire. I wanted to read but I couldn't concentrate."

"Oh, I see." Jude felt Connor's eyes on him. "Well, it's a movie day, but we'll catch up on the reading tomorrow."

"You're obsessed."

"I need to memorize it!"

"All right, calm down. We'll get there," Jude promised.

"Says you."

"Says me," Jude said. "It'll be fine. You'll see."

"I believe you."

That was satisfying to hear. Connor put his head down on the shoulder and then they returned to the movies, Connor explaining a few things that Jude had missed while they were talking. As they watched, Jude promised himself that as soon as he finished _To Kill A Mockingbird_ , he was going to find the first book of this series. If Connor wanted him to read it, he would.

When Adam arrived, so did Dr. Meyer. Adam gave Jude money to go down to the cafeteria to get food for the two of them for dinner and Jude walked off, thinking that he had to repay Connor and his father, someday. Someday, if things were ever different and he had the ability to tell people just what a difference this had made in his life. Adam always got the same soup and sandwich from the cafeteria and Jude had memorized his order already. He got that and a chicken noodle for himself, moving slowly as he carried it back up to the hospital room. He never knew if Connor's doctor would take forty seconds or forty minutes and he knew that he wasn't welcome in the room if she was there. He'd pick up one what she talked about from the way Connor and his father batted the odds back and forth over their food.

When Jude got upstairs, Connor's tall doctor was striding down the hall, her back to him, and Jude knew it was safe to go in. He wedged his and Adam's food onto the nightstand so that he could free his hands in order to sort it out.

"It's Jude's first time seeing them," Connor was saying to Adam. "So, unless it's a commercial break …"

"My lips are sealed," Adam promised. "I do like these movies. What do you think, Jude?"

"I'm liking them," Jude said, though he knew he had zoned out on more than one occasion and probably wasn't watching with the interest that Connor had been hoping for when he'd decided that should watch them.

"Is this all you've done all day?"

"Yeah," Connor said. "To be fair, if I were at home, this would also be what we've done all day."

Connor's dinner was brought in, timed just like the day before, and Adam and Jude started to eat when he did, watching the movie all the while. During the commercial breaks, Adam asked Connor about how the party was and Connor said it was fine, mentioning Jake in passing. Jude listened more intently when Jake's name came up, trying not to look in Connor's direction since he knew that Connor kept looking at him and he didn't want to look too interested.

"It'll be nice for you to connect to more people."

"I know enough people," Connor said stubbornly.

"You're allowed to have more than one friend."

"I know I'm allowed." Connor shook his head. "He's got pancreatic cancer, Dad, which means he's definitely going to kick it before I do and what's the point?"

"We all die someday, Connor, but the point is to enjoy the moments you're in. Unless you're saying Jude and I should write you off because what if you're not here this time next year?"

"It's different," Connor protested.

"You knew you were sick when you and Jude started talking. He knew you were sick. Are you saying that friendship wasn't worth it?"

Jude's heart hurt and he over chewed his noodle. He _hadn't_ known Connor was sick but, admittedly, it wouldn't have changed anything. Right after their first hot chocolate, Jude had been too attached. After that day on the beach, so early on, Jude would never have thought twice about being Connor's friend. Adam was right. This moment, knowing him at all, was worth it, no matter the ending.

"It's different," Connor said again.

"All right, I'll bite. Why's it different?"

"Because you two will be around to remember it. Remember _me_. He thinks nothing happens after we die and if that's true … what's the point? I won't remember him. He won't remember me."

"The moment's the point," Adam said again. "And Jude and I will die someday and there will be no one left alive that was here for this. Does that mean we shouldn't be here?"

Connor sighed. "I don't know. I'm not saying I'm going to be mean to him but I don't even know if I like him enough to be friends with him! I've talked to him twice."

"All right, all right. That's fair."

"Movie's on."

Jude swirled his spoon around his soup and forced himself to finish it. As soon as he had put the dishes down, Connor gestured Jude back onto the bed with him and Jude climbed up, no longer glancing at Adam to see if he cared. He knew Connor was right in saying that Adam loved Connor enough that he would likely forgive Jude any sin, so long as he was by Connor's side. In this way, Jude sat until the movies were finished. He knew visiting hours were coming to an end and he knew that he had to go home and face Callie, but he'd rather do anything but.

"See you tomorrow?" Connor asked.

"Yeah, of course," Jude said.

"You'll be okay, at home?" Connor whispered.

"I will," Jude said. "You've seen the worst she'll do."

Connor stared at Jude's face, like he could see the long-healed black eye. "I don't like the worst she'll do."

"I'll let you poke me for bruises tomorrow," Jude promised. "See you."

"Bye, Jude."

"Bye, Jude," Adam echoed.

"Goodbye, Adam."

Jude stuck his hands in his pockets and made his way back out to the bus. He didn't have to wait long and he caught a seat in the back, curling his bag into his lap and holding onto it tightly. The bus wasn't all that populated but Jude still couldn't bring himself to trust it sitting on the floor. He rested his head against the window and felt his body get heavy. Today was one of those days that was too long and left him feel exhausted, though he did nothing but sit with Connor like he did most days. When it came time for him to get off the bus, he felt like bricks had been attached to his feet. He dragged himself around to the back of the house, forcing himself to rush up the stairs like he always did. Even on his worst days, he couldn't spend time on the ground floor. It was asking for more trouble than going into the attic was.

He opened the door, holding his breath when he realized that Callie was standing there, dressed and awake.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi." Jude shut and locked the door behind him, staying next to it. "How are you feeling?"

"Hungover. And guilty."

"Do you remember this morning?" Jude didn't know if it would be better or worse if she said 'no'.

"Thank you for taking care of me." Callie looked down at the floor and Jude could tell that she was ashamed. "I shouldn't have yelled at you. It's not your fault. I shouldn't have said anything. I'm not sure I know where that came from."

"I think that's a lie. I think you do know. I think you don't want to admit it but I think that's what you've been thinking this whole time. It's my fault I got beat up because, apparently, even you think I'm gay enough to deserve it. It's my fault we're here because, hey, if I wasn't like that, I wouldn't have gotten beaten up and you wouldn't have had to step in. It's my fault you made the decision to run away and keep us out of the foster system. It's my fault you decided that Nic was the best option. It's my fault that you were only a kid even though I was only eleven and you were the only person I trusted! I love you but do you care about me or am I just some stupid obligation you wish that you had let go of? Because I can go! I can turn myself into CPS and say that we lived on the streets and then you ditched me and I don't know anything about you or where you are and –"

" _STOP!"_ Callie shouted, wincing at her own volume. "No. It's you and me, Jude, I'm not going to let you leave. What if something else happened and I wasn't there to protect you?!"

"Then I'll get killed. Maybe I was supposed to get killed by the first foster father or the second or those two guys from Nic's gang. Maybe I've avoided death for too long."

"Stop it. That's not funny. You're not going to die and someday we're going to have a better life, we are, and it's not your fault." Callie shook her head. "It's just that … You didn't have to try on dresses or play with make-up or –"

"Callie, really!? I was a _kid_. Kids play with stuff! I bet there's straight guys and gay guys who played with makeup when they were little or wore dresses! It doesn't mean anything until someone else decides that it does and apparently you think I'm out screwing guys and catching diseases in my spare time which is the furthest thing from the truth! I have a friend who's _dying_ and I sit there and I watch him die a little more every day and I can't do anything and you want to turn that into some homophobic mark against me when my _best friend is dying_. How dare you!?"

Jude knew he had probably stopped making sense about halfway through but he didn't care. It felt so good to scream at her, to give her back some of the pain that he'd been carrying around with him. It felt good to let it out, to release the tension that had been coiling in his stomach since the first time that someone had laid a hand on him.

"Jude!"

"NO!"

He knew he shouldn't. He knew he had nowhere to go. But he opened the attic door and took off down the stairs.

"Jude! Shit!"

Jude barely heard Callie's exclamation as he left her behind. He didn't care if she came after him. He would make sure that she didn't find him. Tonight, at least, he wasn't going to pretend that everything was fine. He skidded across the lawn and ran the opposite way of the Centre, knowing that Callie would probably think that he would take the more familiar route. He slowed into a quick walk after a few blocks, thinking that she wouldn't find him now. Callie would also be on foot and he didn't think that there was a real chance of her finding him now. Now, the only question for Jude was where to go. It wasn't that late – Adam might still be at the hospital. He might have even decided to spend the night there. Jude didn't know.

He'd find a spot. He wouldn't like it tonight but, tomorrow, he'd go back to the attic to try again. He would admit it: he wanted to scare Callie tonight. Now, he needed to find a place to catnap that he'd be undisturbed and that his sister wouldn't think to check. He put his hands in his pockets and turned to a less residential block. Restaurants, shops that were about to close, people milling about. Jude just walked, not thinking about where he was going quite yet. He was on a more deserted street, thinking that this wasn't a good place to spend the night, when a car slowed beside him. Jude took a deep breath and slowly glanced over.

"Jude? Are you on your way home?"

Jude paused on the sidewalk when he realized that it was Ms. Adams – Lena.

"Um," Jude managed, rocking onto his toes. "Away from home."

"Do you want a drive somewhere?" she offered.

"I have nowhere to go," Jude admitted and it felt good to say it.

"Want a drive anyway?"

"Okay."

Jude wasn't sure what he was doing as he slid into the empty passenger seat and buckled up his seatbelt.

"Why do you have nowhere to go?" Lena asked and Jude supposed he should have expected it.

"Um, my dad and I got into an argument. It's not, like, a huge deal or anything but he … suggested that I find somewhere else to spend the night. But with Connor in the hospital, I don't have anywhere else to go." Jude nudged the floor of the car, trying to figure out how to downplay it. If Lena was a foster parent, she might call people. People that Jude didn't want called. "I mean, we fight sometimes. I guess kids and parents do. He's never kicked me out before. Mom said I'd be okay to go back in the morning."

Moms and Dads. The words didn't fit right into Jude's mouth and he hoped he didn't sound too awkward when they came out.

"Jude, sometimes fighting can be more than just a parent and child having a disagreement."

"I know but, honestly, it's not … Not a big deal," Jude said, and he knew how lackluster that sounded.

Lena tapped her slender fingers along the top of the steering wheel. "Well, if you have nowhere to go, we have a place for you."

"I can't. I can't barge into your house like that."

"I know you don't know me and I know you might not think you can trust us but you can call your parents, tell them where you are, let them know you're safe. We have a bed. We won't make you talk to us any more than you want to."

Jude did admit that it sounded nice. And Lena worked in Connor's school. She knew Connor and Adam well. If Connor trusted her, Jude knew that it was more than enough for him.

"If you mean that, I think it would be really nice. But you don't have to."

"I can't leave you out on the street," Lena said. "We're known for taking in strays. But we love our kids."

Lena pulled into the driveway of a nice house, two stories with lights on in the windows. It looked more like a home than anywhere Jude had been before and he followed after her slowly.

"You should fit into some of Jesus's old clothes," Lena said. "He won't mind that you borrow something."

"Thank you."

"Mariana's home but he's staying at a friend's tonight. I think you met them both before, right?"

"Right," Jude said, remembering that first car-ride to the hospital. It still didn't feel real.

Lena opened the front door. "Stef? We have a guest."

A blonde woman with short hair came out toward the doorway, drying her hands on a kitchen towel.

"Hi! I don't think we've met," she said, casting a look at Lena.

"This is Connor's best friend, Jude. He needs a place to stay tonight and I thought Brandon's old room would be just fine."

"Oh, absolutely." She offered her hand. "I'm Stef."

"Jude."

He took his time taking his shoes off as the two women kissed each other. A happy home in an accepting place where they could be married and happy and in love. Jude felt removed from reality and he tried not to stare. Not everyone was filled with hate. Just everyone he'd ever seemed to meet.

"We're kind of behind on dinner," Stef said. "Have you eaten?"

"Oh, at the hospital," Jude said.

"Are you still hungry? We're just making spaghetti and garlic bread. We'll have leftovers."

"Oh, maybe."

"MARIANA! Dinner!"

Jude heard footsteps overhead.

"By the way, Jude," Lena said. "I like your hair."

"Thank you."

It probably needed to be dyed again but he was grateful she'd said something. It did make him feel more comfortable.

"Oh, I know you!" blurted a girl on the stairs.

"Jude's going to be staying here tonight," Lena said.

"Cool. As long as he's quiet."

"Mariana," chastised Stef.

"I meant that in an 'I-have-an-essay-to-write' kind of way," she said. She glanced at Jude. "Sorry."

"I'll be quiet," Jude promised her. He had already intruded enough.

"Do you want to call your parents before we sit down?" Lena asked.

"Oh, sure."

She handed him a phone, told him to come into the dining room when he was done, and then left him alone in the living room. He stared at the buttons and wondered if he remembered Connor's phone number correctly.

"Hello?"

Apparently, he did.

"Hi."

"Jude? Where are you?"

"You're not going to believe it."

"Are you safe?" Connor asked. "Dad's still here. He can go get you."

"Is he listening?"

"No. He's in the bathroom. Where are you?"

"Ms. Adams' house."

"Really?" Connor chuckled.

"Callie and I had a huge fight and I ran away from home and she found me on the side of the street, so, I guess I'm staying here tonight."

"Are you okay?" Connor asked.

"I feel shaky but I'll be okay. I'll see you tomorrow morning."

"Promise?"

"Yeah. Unless you think they're going to sacrifice me in the middle of the night."

"Mariana _can_ be kind of weird. But I think she's too nice to sacrifice you."

"Thanks for the heads-up," Jude mused. "Um, I should go."

"Call me back if you need to," Connor said. "I'll answer."

"I know," Jude said. "I think I'm supposed to be eating spaghetti now, like it's not weird."

"Pretend like it's not. They might keep you."

Jude snorted. No one would ever want him and, no matter what, he would never be able to keep someone who wouldn't keep Callie. And he knew no one would want _them_. "See you tomorrow."

"Bye."

"Bye."

Jude hung up the phone and he strode into the dining room, taking a seat next to Mariana and eating a small sample of food that Stef put on his plate. They talked to Mariana about her essay and it seemed to be because of a warning Lena had issued that they didn't really question him about anything. When dinner was finished, Mariana went back upstairs to finish her essay and Jude ended up washing dishes with Lena in the kitchen.

"Is there anything you want to get off your chest?"

"No. Thank you for dinner."

"Thanks for helping with dishes."

It was awkward. He didn't like being here. He felt caged in and he was wondering if he should make an excuse and escape. It was the thought of a bed to sleep in that was keeping him standing here. He knew that this house and these people were far better than any of his other options.

"Stef and I might watch a movie. Are you interested in that?"

"Oh, sure," Jude lied. He didn't care, not really. But he knew that, once the movie was finished, it would be an acceptable time to excuse himself to bed and be on his own. Not that he really wanted to be alone. Not that he wanted to intrude on their night more than he already had. Jude wasn't sure of what he wanted. "Connor and I spent today watching the Harry Potter movies. He really likes them."

Connor was a safe topic.

"What did you think?"

"That I should read the books," Jude said. "But I don't like reading so …"

"Well, if you think you should read them, you might surprise yourself."

"I don't know if that's ever happened."

"First time for everything!" she said brightly. "Come on, let's see what we're all in the mood to watch."

Jude obediently followed her into the living room, taking a spot in a chair while Stef and Lena sat on the couch.

"What are you in the mood to watch?" Stef asked Jude.

"Oh, anything," he said. He was going to sit here and overly focus on the movie so that he didn't have to think about the past twelve hours.

"Well, here, family road trip movie," Stef said. "Could be funny."

"We should take road trip," Lena mused.

"Mariana and Jesus in an RV? No way," Stef replied. "Jude, do you think you'd like this movie?"

"Sure."

He didn't care. And it was hard to read off the TV and he wasn't going to ask Stef to describe the movie to him when the synopsis was right there. Stef did pick that movie and Jude put his head down on the arm of the chair, watching the actors parade across the screen. Stef and Lena laughed off and on, though almost never at the same parts, and Jude was glad when it was over and Stef said that she had to go to bed. Apparently, she worked early in the morning.

"What do you do?" Jude asked.

"I'm a police officer," she said, just before leaving the room.

Well, wasn't that just Jude's luck. Two people that were foster parents and one of them that was a cop and the other a guidance counselor. If they didn't sniff out that something was wrong with him, Jude would chew off his foot.

"Why don't we find you something to wear to bed and get you set up?" Lena said.

"Sure."

He followed Lena up the stairs. Stef was leaning into an open door.

"I hate Heathcliff," Mariana announced from inside the room. "Why do people like him?"

"Put the passion on the page, love," Stef said. "Are you almost done?"

"A few more quotes and four hundred more words," Mariana said. "I'll make it."

"That's the spirit."

Lena flicked on the light to another room.

"Our oldest son, Brandon, is away at university. You'll be comfortable in here."

Jude put his bag at the end of the neatly made bed and said this 'thank you' when she brought him a pile of clean pyjamas.

"If you want clean clothes to go home in, Jesus has a bag that he's ready to donate. He won't miss them, I promise. But, you know, you have your clothes so we know you might not want to borrow some."

"Thank you for the offer. And thanks for letting me stay here. You really didn't have to."

"We wouldn't have been able to live with ourselves if we didn't at least offer to give you a place for the night."

Lena sat next to him on the bed.

"You know, Jude, we like to think of our house as a safe place. Somewhere that people can go when their world isn't working out. I know we don't know each other but I feel like, through Connor, I know you a little. If this ever happens again, know that you can come here for a place to sleep, people to hear you when you talk, whatever you need. No explanations, no judgements. Your home is your home and we don't want you to feel scared that by needing help every now and then that you're going to lose that. Parents and children fight. However, much you or don't want to talk about is up to you. We just want you to know that you don't have to wander the street if it gets bad again."

"Thank you."

"We're glad you're safe for the night."

Jude couldn't imagine why they cared about him so much. They didn't even know him.

"In the morning, Stef is leaving at seven and I'm leaving at eight-thirty. Mariana will be home all day. Do you want one of us to wake you up or would you like to sleep in?"

"I'd like for you to wake me up, please. If you don't mind."

"Not a problem. We're just next door if you need anything. Have a good night, Jude."

"You too."

She shut the door behind her and Jude flopped down on the bed. He looked at the pyjamas next to him and decided that sleeping in his jeans or his underwear wasn't preferable. Nor was wearing clothes he'd slept in through the day tomorrow. Even at home, when he wore the same couple of things for days, he never slept in them. He changed and then crawled between the covers but he felt too lonely to sleep. He turned on the lamp and picked up his backpack. He didn't look at the room around him because he didn't want to think of the strange boy that this room belonged to. Instead, he opened _To Kill A Mockingbird_ on his lap and lost himself inside of a story, thinking of nothing but Connor.

(-.-)

When Jude walked into Connor's room the next day, Connor was curled up on his bed, his blanket up near his head. He didn't even open his eyes when Jude walked into the room and, for a moment, he thought Connor was asleep, until the lowest murmur came out of his friend.

"If it's not Jude, go away."

"It's Jude."

It was then that Connor opened his eyes. "You okay? I've been worried about you."

But, now, Jude was just worried about him. Connor tried to sit up and Jude was at his side.

"No, lay down. You're clearly tired."

"I was sick all night," Connor admitted. "Couldn't … couldn't sleep."

"Here, lay back down. I'll be right here. I promised to read to you today."

"Tell me about your night first," Connor demanded.

"Okay, move over. Let's get comfy."

Connor curled up with his head lower on Jude's arm than it normally was.

"The night wasn't so bad. It was hard being alone in a room. I'm not used to sleeping alone. Even with how much she's gone, I've never really adjusted. So, I did a lot of reading, actually. I think I have at least the next chapter down for today. And then I got up with Lena around eight-thirty. I wandered around until I got here. They said I could stay with them again, if I needed to. I don't think I could ever take them up on it. Unless Callie tries to kill me when I get home."

"You're still going home, then?"

"Yeah," Jude said. "I have to."

"Not until later."

"No, not until later." Connor shut his eyes tightly and gripped Jude's arm.

"Are you going to be sick?" Jude asked, but he doubted it. He knew the way Connor was holding his arm and it was pain.

"No."

"I should call the nurse," Jude said. "It's too much."

Connor didn't fight him or try to have any bravado as Jude leant over and pushed the button. Immediately, Nurse Mac was there, giving Connor a painkiller.

"It'll help you sleep," Mac assured him but Connor didn't seem to be paying attention to the middle-aged man.

"Just go to sleep," Jude said, feeling Connor's hand tighten along his forearm. "Maybe it'll feel better when you wake up."

Jude didn't think that he really believed it but he hoped that Connor felt better hearing it.

"I'll read to you when you wake up," Jude continued. "You know I'm not going anywhere."

"I know."

"I'll nap with you," Jude said. "Come on, take a nap."

"Okay."

Like Callie used to do for him when he was small and scared, Jude gently rubbed along the back of Connor's head until he fell asleep. The act made Jude think of Callie and going home. It was going to go badly. He knew that. But there was no way that it could possibly go as badly as last night and he took comfort from that. It was a small comfort but it was something to cling to. He slunk down in the bed a little bit and bit his lip. Then, he kept his arm tight around Connor's shoulders and allowed himself to sink into a dreamless sleep.

(-.-)

Jude woke up late in the afternoon, after Connor did. He woke up feeling stiff and gross. He sat up and stretched, knowing Connor was watching him all the while. He felt slightly self-conscious of the long groan that came out of his mouth.

"Do you _always_ drool in your sleep?" Connor asked. "I never noticed before."

Jude wiped at his mouth and the back of his mouth came back wet. Well, crap. Not that he was under any delusion than he was cute while sleeping or that he thought that, even if he was, it would make a difference.

"No. Must have been really asleep." Jude crossed his legs under him and turned toward Connor. "Are you feeling any better?"

"A little but I might just be a little more medicated. Do you feel better now?"

"I won't really feel better until I see her again and I know how this is going to end," Jude said. "Knowing is always better."

Connor squinted at him. "Was that a cheap shot?"

Jude shook his head. "I wasn't even thinking about it."

"Okay. Dad left you half a sandwich. Apparently, he was here while we were asleep."

"Oh. I guess I needed to sleep more than I thought." Jude rubbed at his eyes and when he opened them, Connor was holding the food out to him. "Thanks."

They ate their lunch and then Jude dug out his copy of _Mockingbird,_ just like he had promised. He felt like Connor was just staring at him as he opened the pages.

"Read slow," Connor said.

"I always read slow."

"Yeah but I don't know this chapter. I can't even recite the first line."

"Why are you so obsessed with having this memorized?" Jude asked. "I mean, I know about your mom and I understand wanting to know about the book but why _memorized_?"

"I keep thinking about what's going to happen … after. Like, what being dead's going to be like." Connor finally looked away from Jude. "I think Jake's wrong. I think there's something after. I just … I'm worried that I won't be able to take things with me if I don't remember them perfectly."

A lump grew in Jude's throat. He couldn't even breathe around it.

"So, read slow, please?"

Connor looked back up at Jude and Jude could see tears gathering in the bottom of his eyes. He couldn't meet Connor's piercing gaze anymore so he turned his attention back to the book and read the first line of the chapter, Connor murmuring the sentence back to him. Jude made a quick glance back at Connor but Connor wasn't cheating by looking at the book; he was just looking at Jude's face. They only made it through the first paragraph before Connor's intense staring made Jude start to fidget.

"You're staring," he pointed out.

"No."

"Connor, why are you staring at me?"

Jude turned toward Connor and was surprised to find his face so close. Close enough that his heart raced and the lump in his throat was from thoughts of mistletoe instead of anything else.

"What if you can only take with you the things that you remember perfectly?"

"Don't," Jude whispered. "Don't. You can't die, you _can't_!"

Connor wrapped both of his arms around Jude. "I can't stop thinking about it. I can't. I don't want to but, Jude …"

"No," Jude said. "Something will happen. Something has to!"

He couldn't think about the alternative, not even after spending so much time already watching Connor get weaker and knowing that it was going to get worse, not better. Connor deserved more. He deserved better. If there was such a thing as miracles, Connor was owed one.

"It won't." Connor sat up and grabbed at Jude's hand, squeezing his hand desperately. "Listen, you need to understand. You need to know. It's going to happen. It is. Don't let it sneak up on you. It's so hard to accept but I'm not going to be here this time next year! I'm not!"

"I don't want a last day to know you!" Jude exclaimed.

"I don't want a last day to know you either," Connor whispered. "But we still have a little bit of time. I'm probably not going to croak tomorrow."

Jude angled himself away from Connor, letting his legs dangle over the end of the bed. His whole being hurt. He didn't want to have this conversation. He didn't want to think about Connor being gone. He didn't want to think about the fact that someday there was going to be a last conversation and what was going to be in that? Was there going to be things that Jude wished he said or things that he regretted saying? Was Connor right and he'd be able to take memories with him or was Jake right and there was nothing after? Jude wasn't sure what difference it would make when he was going to be alive and he was going to be missing Connor.

"Is it bad to say that I don't know what I'll do without you?" There was too much feeling in the words; the emotion was enough to scare Jude. He was toeing the line too delicately. He was going to give too much away.

"You'll be okay," Connor said. "I really believe that. Someone like you deserves an amazing life and I think you're going to get it. Something good is going to happen to you."

Jude glanced over his shoulder and then he looked back down at his knees. Looking at Connor's face was going to make him cry now. He took a shaky breath. "I'd rather give my good thing to you. I want you to live."

"I don't want to die." Connor reached out and grabbed onto Jude's upper arm, pulling at him. "Look at me!"

"No! I can't! I …" Jude was on the verge of breaking down now. "I …"

"Do you wish you'd never met me?" Connor asked.

" _What_? No!" Distracted, Jude whipped around. "Don't!"

 _I think I might love you, Connor._

The words drifted across his mind and Jude was left breathless with the force of it.

"I wish I'd met you sooner," Connor said.

"Me too."

"Maybe things would have been really different."

"Maybe." Jude frowned. "That's too hard to think about."

They stared at each other. Jude didn't know what to say. He felt tears still building up from the lump in his throat and his heart was thrumming like a hummingbird's. Connor was the one who looked away first.

"Do you want to try and find a movie or something?"

"Yeah."

That was probably easiest.

Jude pulled his legs back up on the bed and settled himself in so that he and Connor were sharing the bed like before. Connor found an old movie to put on – something so old that it was in black and white. He made a comment that he should try and find _To Kill A Mockingbird_ for them to watch when Jude finally finished reading the book but Jude was too busy wiping at his eyes to say much of anything. He tried to look at the screen and figure out what was happening but he couldn't focus on anything.

Connor was still staring at him.

(-.-)

Jude stood on the street corner and looked at the rickety house he had lived in over the past few years. He could see a light on up in the attic, though just barely. He and Callie always kept the curtains pulled; it was only because he knew where to look. He took a deep breath and started across the line. He almost hadn't come back here tonight. Today, with Connor, had been longer and emotional than he thought it was going to be and he thought that one more night of the calmness of Lena's house might have been better but he couldn't leave Callie hanging like that, not for a second night. He had decided that as soon as he had seen Adam sit down next to Connor's bedside. He wanted his sister.

He hurried up the attic steps and opened the door slowly. Callie was sitting on the couch and she jumped to her feet.

"Hi."

Jude shut the door behind him. He'd been practicing his speech on the bus.

"Listen, okay? Just listen to me. I'm never going to forget what you said. I will _never_ be able to forget or maybe even forgive, completely, any of it but I need you more than I need to be mad at you. I need you to never bring up anything again … I mean, anything like that again or bring it up at all, okay? I need that promise. I'm not going to get myself hurt again. I get it. I get our lives. You're the only person hurting me and everything else hurts so much."

Callie crossed the floor and hugged him tightly. "Okay. I promise. I'm sorry. I love you."

It was everything that he had needed to hear.

"Were you safe last night?"

Jude nodded.

"Were you safe today?"

"I watched Connor die a little more." It was real. It sat in his head and heart and ached but Connor's death still felt like something that was never going to happen. There was always going to be one more day, one more chapter to read, one more thing to say.

"I'm sorry."

It didn't help.

"I want to go to bed," Jude said.

"We both should." Callie stepped back and looked at his face. "Can I help?"

"No," Jude said. "I don't think there is any helping it."

"Okay. I probably won't be here when you wake up but I'll be here tomorrow night. I'll get a good dinner for us but it'll be late. Nine?"

"You don't have to."

"Let me do this for you, Jude."

Jude nodded. "Thank you."

He and Callie got ready for bed and he crawled in next to her. The stiff mattress and thin blankets were uncomfortable but it was comforting in the familiar way. He closed his eyes and listened to Callie's breathing trying, for the moment, not to worry about anything.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **To The Grave**_ **by Bea Miller; and** _ **Agape**_ **by Bear's Den (reader recommended).**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	26. Six Of Hearts

When Jude arrived at the hospital, Connor wasn't in his room. Nurse Mac said that he was visiting another patient down the hall and with a swell of annoyance that wasn't entirely justified, Jude headed off to Jake's room. It was at the opposite end of the hall from Connor's room and Jude faltered just outside the door for a moment before he knocked on it as he made his entrance. Connor was sitting in the chair next to Jake's bed while Jake was sitting on the edge of his bed, facing Connor. In Jude's opinion, they were too close together. It would have been so easy for Jake to reach out and touch Connor; it wasn't as close as he and Connor got, but Jude would never have called it a platonic distance either.

"Hey, Jude," Connor called.

"Hey." Jude bit down on his cheek and then uttered a "Hi" to Jake. He was in Jake's room, after all, and he really shouldn't be so mean.

"Jude and I are going to head back to my room. See you later."

"Tomorrow?" Jake asked.

Connor shook his head. "Probably not. I have dialysis in the morning so …"

Jake nodded. "Okay. Later."

His hand brushed up against Connor's as Connor got up from the chair and Jude fumed about on the way back to Connor's room. It wasn't fair. He glanced over at Connor and thought, again, _I think I love you_. He also thought he'd never felt like he might have been in love with someone before and he wasn't entirely sure what that was supposed to feel like. He really did think it was supposed to feel like this. The way he was happier with Connor; the way he thought about him all the time; the way he just wanted Connor to be safe.

Connor got himself back into his bed.

"How's Jake?" Jude asked.

"Talkative. Like, _really_ talkative. Nurse Mac finally convinced me that I probably shouldn't be in bed so much so I was going for a walk around here this morning and he caught me. I don't know. I think I like him, though. If I didn't, I'd probably put more effort into avoiding him."

"I think he likes you," Jude said before he could stop himself.

Connor shrugged, sliding his toque up a little to scratch at his forehead before pulling it back down. "Well, yeah, otherwise, he wouldn't talk to me."

Jude sat down on the end of Connor's bed, shoving his feet out of the way. "No. I mean, I think he _likes_ you."

Connor looked startled at the possibility. " _Me_? Why would he like _me_?"

Jude almost said: _who wouldn't?_ Jude almost said: _no idea._ Jude, instead, said neither. "What do you think?"

"I don't want him to _like_ me."

Definitive. No room for argument. Well, Jude liked that. But he was curious and he thought a friend might ask so he said, "Why not?"

"Cancer. Hospitals. He has no one else to like, I guess, plus, I like him as a friend, probably, but not any more than that. I know I couldn't like him like that." Connor squinted at him. "Why do you think he likes me?"

"Dunno. Just seems like it."

"Weird. Okay." Connor reached down and pulled at Jude's sleeve. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Callie and I have just been weird since our fight but I don't think she's going to get over that any time soon. She's requested to work close to home for the foreseeable future. I don't know how that's going to work out but I hope that it's fine. I mean, it probably will be. Her long business trips are pretty new."

Connor nodded. "As long as you're okay."

Jude just nodded, even though he didn't ever completely feel okay. None of it was anything that Connor could fix and none of it was really anything that Jude wanted to say, either, and so he just settled in next to Connor.

"Will you read to me?"

"Okay. Need me to restart from the beginning of the chapter again?"

"No. I think I've got that. I was testing myself with Mom's copy last night. Maybe three or four pages in."

"Well, which one?" Jude asked, hunting for his book. "There's a lot of words difference between three and four pages."

"I guess stick with three."

"You know," Jude mused, "you're going to get me to the point where _I_ can recite this thing."

"Don't say it like it's a bad thing," Connor said with a grin and Jude's heart thudded. "It's a good book!"

"I know, I'm not arguing with you." Jude flipped to the dog-eared page. "Besides, we should get through what we can today. We both know that you're not going to be able to pay attention after dialysis."

"I'm useless after dialysis," Connor agreed. "Okay, start."

"Whatever you say," Jude said, and he was more than willing to give in.

(-.-)

The next day, Jude sat in the chair beside Connor's bed, glad that his friend's medication had finally kicked in. Connor had been the sickest that Jude had ever seen him following treatment and according to one of the nurses, it had been a difficult night for him too. Jude propped his head up on the arm of the chair and flicked channels again, keeping the volume low even though he knew it wouldn't bother Connor.

He barely looked up as Adam walked into the room for his daily lunch visit.

"Jude? What are you doing here?"

"Um … I'm always here."

Adam sat opposite him on Connor's other side. "Didn't school start again today?"

Jude winced. "Oh … Um … I …"

He had no idea what to say. He hadn't seen that comment coming at all.

Adam passed him half of his sandwich. "Jude, be honest with me. You don't go to Anchor Beach, do you?"

Jude sighed and shook his head. "How did you know?"

"Well, I suspected it when I first met you. I didn't want to say anything at the time because you do seem like a good kid and I know that you and Connor are good friends. I didn't think that you were up to anything."

"We weren't. We never lied to you or anything. We just hang out a lot."

"Where did you and Connor meet, then?"

Jude grimaced. "At the Centre he tutors at. I … I see one of the other tutors there. We just kind of started talking one day."

Adam nodded. "Is there anything else you need to tell me?"

Jude shook his head. "No. We were just worried about what you might think if we told you the truth. If you'd trust me. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I understand Being young, you feel like you have big secrets to keep, sometimes just to keep them."

Jude nodded like he really understood where Adam was going with that train of thought.

"Thank you for the sandwich."

"You're welcome. Anything at all for friends of Connor's." Adam touched Connor's shoulder. "I do think you are a good kid, Jude, I meant that. And if you need help for anything, all you have to do is ask. We're here for you."

"I know, thank you," Jude said. "Connor already offered you up for that."

Adam grinned. "Well, he really does care about you so that doesn't surprise me."

Jude glanced at Connor's slack face. "Well, he's my best friend too. I wish … I wish he was doing better than this."

"Me too. We really thought that we were going to beat this."

"He still could, right? If he got a new kidney?"

"Right but that's not very likely to happen. Not enough people donate organs and, even if they did, it's a crapshoot if they're a match or not."

"A match?" Jude responded. "Oh, I guess that makes sense that you couldn't just get any kidney."

"Yeah. Even I'm not a match. A sibling is usually the best chance for a match but he doesn't have any of those." Adam was holding Connor's hand now. "Sometimes, I wonder if his mother would have been a match. If she would have saved him. I think about it all the time. Does he ever mention that to you?"

Jude shook his head. "He doesn't talk about his mom a whole lot. Mostly just when we're talking about the book. I don't want to ask."

"He was diagnosed just months after she died. I wonder if he ever dealt with any of it properly. He's been in counselling," Adam said. "For the diagnosis and his mom but he closed himself off from me for a long time at the beginning of treatments."

"Oh."

Adam glanced at Jude. "I'm sorry. You don't need to hear any of that. I guess I'm just rambling."

"That's okay," Jude said, even though he wasn't sure that Adam's words were sitting properly with him. "We all need someone to ramble at."

"That's true. Anything you need, Jude, I'm here for you."

"I know. Thank you."

"I have to go back to work. I'll see you later. Will you tell him –"

"– You were here? Yeah, always."

"Thank you, Jude."

When Adam was gone, Jude crawled into bed beside Connor. He wanted to feel close to his friend right now. He just wanted to feel close to someone. He put his hand on Connor's shoulder and stared straight ahead, watching the sitcom play out. The laugh track was distracting enough that he wasn't stewing, really, until Connor started to stir. He curled down a little and then brought his hands up rub at his face, accidentally sliding his hat off. Jude thought briefly about not looking down at his head but then he couldn't help himself, he stared down at the top of Connor's bald head. He'd seen bald people before; he'd known Connor was bald. The thing that _hadn't_ occurred to Jude was that he'd lost his eyebrows. He always kept his hat pulled down low enough that Jude hadn't realized that Connor losing his hair meant that Connor had lost _all_ of his hair.

"Um." He picked up the toque and offered it to Connor, who was fighting to open his eyes and focus on what was in front of him. "This came off."

"Oh. I don't … Water, Jude?"

"Of course." Jude pressed the glass into his hands and Connor sipped at it. "You feel okay?"

"Groggy. Gross …" Connor looked green and Jude grabbed the basin before Connor threw up on the bedsheets.

Jude pressed the nurse button without being asked, settling into a chair so that he wouldn't be in the way while Connor was attended to. When Connor was settled in and there was a clean basin at his side, Jude sidled back onto the side of the bed. Connor grabbed onto his hand.

"You know," Jude said, "your head doesn't look that bad."

"Liar."

"No, really it's …" _cute_ "… way better than you're thinking."

"Liar."

"You want your hat back?"

Connor glanced up at him. "It's okay. For another minute."

"You feel sick again?"

"No. Just … talk to me, Jude? I want to listen."

"Anything you want," Jude agreed. "You know that I'd do anything for you."

Well, that was far too much to say. Not quite as intimidating at looking at thinking that he was definitely thinking that was he was kind of in love with Connor. But it was definitely intimidating. Connor didn't seem to notice the force of Jude's words, though. He just glanced at him expectantly and then let his eyes half-drift again, squeezing Jude's hand when the pain became too much.

"Your dad was here when you were out," Jude said, trying to think of what he could say about him that Connor would care about or that Connor didn't already know. "You forgot to tell me that school started up again today."

"Oops." Connor even managed to sound actually apologetic about it. "But days all blur together."

"I know. But, apparently, he knew that I didn't go to Anchor Beach to begin with. I told you I don't look like those kids that go to your school. But he knew. He loves you a lot. Enough to overlook the fact that you hang out with someone that looks like me."

"You do need to fix your hair."

Jude chuckled. "Okay, fine. Next time I see you, it'll be fixed."

"I live through your hair."

"I could colour the top of your head."

"No."

"Well, I offered so, don't forget that, at least." Connor's fingers twined tightly with his own and he squeezed hard. "Do you need a nurse again?"

"No."

It was a whimper and Jude didn't really trust it but he knew that the pain meds weren't, necessarily, instantaneous and, in another minute or two, Connor might be mostly delirious and mostly pain free. He held onto Connor's hand, though, because it was a good way to keep track of how much pain he was in. Connor wasn't good at telling him just how badly he was hurting.

"Okay. Well, anyway, your dad's not going to hold it against me for lying to him and he probably knows we're lying to him about other parts about my life too but I don't think he's going to call us out on it. So, we have to thank him for that too, I guess." Jude propped his head up on his other hand. "Callie felt so bad about our fight that we're still eating pancake leftovers. I didn't think I could ever get sick of breakfast for supper or at any time, really, but I think if I see one more pancake I'm going vomit."

"Burgers or pancakes?"

"That's not even fair. You suck, you know, I'm not going to forget what a jerk you are."

"Hate me?" Connor asked.

"No, your sob story works wonders."

A smirk trembled on Connor's lips.

"But, I'm going to have to go with burgers, you know. I've been eating them for longer and in much worse states than old pancakes. Plus, cold, they're not so bad with strawberry jam." Jude looked at Connor's hat and then to the glint on the top of his head. It wasn't perfectly smooth. It was bumpy and slightly uneven. He felt bad for staring, even though he knew that Connor wasn't going to catch him. "Is your head cold? Do you want your hat back?"

"Doesn't matter. Guess I can't hide anything from you."

"I can't hide anything from you, either. You did a better job of it than me. You knew me, what, less than three months and you had all my secrets figured out. It's impressive. I'm not mad about it though – telling you things or you keeping things from me."

"Nothing else!" Connor muttered stubbornly.

"Yeah, I know. I've seen you throw up too many times today for you to think that you can hide anything from me." Connor's grip was loosening on his fingers but Jude refused to release him. He knew that Connor would just want him to hold on. "You aren't, are you?"

"What did I tell you?" Connor asked and he forced his eyes open to stare at Jude for a moment before they fluttered. "I'm tired."

"You go to sleep then."

"But you're here."

"You don't have to stay awake for me. You know I'll still be here when you wake up. I'm not going anywhere, Connor."

"I am."

It wasn't funny but Jude managed a chuckle but he knew that was what Connor was going for.

"It's okay, go to sleep."

Connor looked at him again. "What's something I don't know about you?"

"If I tell you something, you have to tell me something."

"Mhm," Connor agreed, struggling to keep himself awake. Jude wasn't sure if he could really hold Connor to that agreement. He only seemed half-coherent. "Tell me."

"I –"

Jude didn't get to because Lena walked into the room. He hadn't seen her since the morning he'd left her house and he felt awkward looking at her now. He went to slide his hand away from Connor's since the way they were holding each other was so obvious but with the slightest movement on his hand and Connor's hand tightened on his. There was no strength in his fingers and he had nothing to hold him there but Jude stayed in place.

"Did Ms. Adams bring me homework?" Connor asked Jude.

"Ask her yourself," Jude said but Connor's eyes had closed. Jude shook his head at his friend and then he looked over at Lena. "Did you bring homework?"

"It's optional," she said, placing the folder on the nightstand. "I just thought that he might want something else to do and Adam wants him to keep up with his studies."

"I'll definitely use it all later."

"Go to sleep before I get mad at you," Jude warned Connor.

"Okay," Connor agreed. "You …"

"Be here when you wake up, I know. Don't lecture me."

"No. You're my mother hen," Connor half-slurred and then his eyes shut again.

"He needs to go back to sleep anyway," Jude explained to Lena. "It's been a _really_ bad day."

Lena nodded, taking a seat. "How have you been? Anymore fights with your parents?"

"No," Jude said. "They've been feeling pretty bad about the whole thing so it's been pretty smooth going."

"Well, I'm glad to hear that."

"Yeah. Which is pretty much normal for us. I told you, it was just kind of a one-off thing."

"And I believe you," Lena said. "You've got a support system now."

"Thanks."

Jude had no idea how he'd ended up with _support_ , let alone a _support system_. There were several adults and a friend that he knew he could count on. There was more than just Callie in his web now and Jude didn't know how he'd ended up there. He had never even considered or thought about what life might be like if there was more than Callie for him and now it was a reality that he could never forget. It could be eighty years from now and Connor could have been dead for most of them and Jude knew that he wouldn't forget every second of what was happening today. Or any other day that he spent with Connor.

"Is there anything you want to talk about?"

"No. It's just been a hard day. But I guess you had the first day of school so that's worse."

Lena laughed. "I like it. I like having a routine and I like seeing the kids every day but, you're right, not a lot of them were excited about the early morning today. I heard more than enough teachers say that they caught students napping."

"I don't blame them."

"Promise me you're not going to do any of Connor's homework for him, while we're on the subject."

"I won't. He'll make me help, though. I know he will. He made me help with the essay and I haven't even finished the book yet." Jude rolled his eyes. "I'm not good with school stuff but it makes him feel better if I listen to him talk about it and try to figure it out."

"He said that you were a big inspiration for his essay."

"He did?"

"Mhm," Lena confirmed. "And he did a very good job on it. He really impressed Mrs. Saum."

" _That_ doesn't surprise me," Jude said and he adjusted Connor's fingers on the back of his hand.

Connor was always impressive.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **No Such Thing As Time**_ **by Elenowen; and** _ **Anchor**_ **by Mindy Gledhill.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	27. Eight Of Clubs

"I miss school like crazy, especially physics. And my math. My math teacher was amazing."

Connor nodded politely as he looked at Jake but, admittedly, he wasn't really paying any attention to what Jake was saying and not because he didn't care. He was trying really hard to care; he was trying really hard to see what Jude saw when he said that Jake _liked_ him. Connor had to admit that he thought Jude was right – now that it had been pointed out to him, he wondered how he had missed it. Jake was sitting a little too close, Jake was saying things that _could_ definitely be taken as flirting, and Connor didn't have enough fingers to count the amount of times that Jake had 'accidentally' touched him the half an hour they'd been sitting with one another.

"You listening?"

"Yeah, distracted, I guess."

"About what?"

"Something Jude said."

"Yeah, what was that?" Jake asked.

"He said it looked like you had a crush on me."

Connor wasn't sure what Jake was going to do but he really wasn't expecting Jake to laugh about it. He was expecting embarrassment. Denial, maybe. But Jake just laughed.

"Well, _yeah_ ," Jake said. "But I was hoping that _you_ would have noticed, not him. Think he's jealous?"

"Jude? No. Jude's straight."

"Well, then, if he's not jealous maybe he's just trying to be a good friend. Have you ever had a boyfriend?"

Connor shook his head, starting to feel uncomfortable. He hadn't even told his dad that he was gay yet. He was only fifteen; it wasn't weird that he had never had a boyfriend. Except, he probably wouldn't get to turn sixteen and he'd only ever had one kiss before and that was because he'd surprised his straight best friend and, though Connor counted it as one of his best memories, he wasn't sure that it counted in the grand scheme of kisses. Maybe it did. Jude had kissed him back for a second – at least a second – and that meant it was a real kiss.

"Ever had a girlfriend?" Jake asked, squinting at him, and Connor shook his head. He realized he could lie to Jake and tell Jake that he was only into girls and avoid this whole thing but he didn't think he wanted to do that. He wasn't sure that he liked Jake as anything more than a friend but if the two of them only had so much time left on their clocks, did it matter if he was that into Jake?

Did it matter that he was more into Jude?

"Well, which one do you want? If you want either," Jake added on.

"Um …" His throat swelled. "Boyfriend … My dad, though –"

"My mom doesn't know either, don't worry about it. I thought the pink hair was going to be enough but apparently it wasn't and I just haven't tried to find the real words to say it. I get it."

Jake got it. Some part of Connor felt soothed; it was the same part of him that had bristled when Jude had said that pink hair was too gay and explained to Connor that he had to lie about who he was.

"Visiting hours starts soon and she'll be here," Jake said.

"Jude's coming by."

"I figured that. He sees you more than I see literally anyone."

"He knows my dad's at work a lot, still. He doesn't want me to be alone."

"Sounds like a good friend."

"Best friend," Connor corrected and Jake leant forward a little so that he and Connor were almost meeting in the middle of Jake's bed.

Connor's conviction that he should throw caution to the wind and do everything and anything while he was still alive disintegrated when Jake didn't reply and moved a little bit closer. He really didn't think that he _wanted_ to kiss Jake but he decided that he was going to. He wanted to know what it felt like. And it was … dry. It was … okay. There was none of the heart-thrumming and vein boiling and all-consuming weak-kneed feelings that he had been overcome with when he'd kissed Jude at Daria's party. The kiss ended and Connor just looked at Jake. He didn't feel any different than he had the moment before. It might as well have not happened at all.

"Um, I'm going to get back to my room."

"Talk to you later," Jake called after him.

He didn't seem any different either and Connor had to wonder just how many boys Jake had kissed and if he had _really_ liked any of them. Connor didn't know. He didn't know if he cared enough to ask. He settled himself back in his bed and he felt strangely guilty. He almost didn't want to see Jude because the thought of telling Jude that he had kissed someone else. He shouldn't feel guilty. Jude was his best friend and whatever feelings that Connor had about Jude were one-sided; Jude had made that very clear. Connor was free to kiss someone else if he decided that he was going to. His inner turmoil was his own problem; Jude wasn't going to be upset.

Jude turned into the room. "Hey! You look a lot better today."

"I feel better today," Connor admitted.

"And you put the hat back on," Jude said, sitting down at the end of Connor's bed and keeping his backpack next to him.

"I can't believe I let you see my head."

"It wasn't so bad, really," Jude said. "You shouldn't be so self-conscious. The lack of hair didn't bother me."

"Did something?" Connor asked, noticing the slight change in Jude's tone.

"Eyebrows."

"I don't _have_ eyebrows anymore."

"That's my point," Jude said. "But you look fine without the hat."

"Thanks."

"Ask me about my morning," Jude commanded.

"How was your morning?" Connor asked, half-hoping that Jude didn't ask about his. Maybe he wouldn't tell Jude about kissing Jake. He didn't _have_ to … but it would be like lying to Jude again and Connor had promised that he wouldn't do that again. He knew that lying by omission was still lying. He knew that was how Jude would see it to.

"I had a really productive morning, actually, so I hope you're grateful," Jude said as he started unzipping his backpack.

"Did you do some reading?"

"No."

Connor heard the crinkle of plastic as Jude fiddled in his bag.

"Did you do some writing?"

"No. Close your eyes."

Connor did so hearing several soft thumps along his bed.

"I was thinking about your hat. Yesterday you said it was itchy and warm and I thought … you're probably wearing it too much. And I don't remember how zoned in you were for this but we were also talking about colouring the top of your head and so I thought, um, you might want something different because grey is boring so … Open."

Connor did and there was an array of hats splayed across his bed. About eight in total, of varying thicknesses and colours. There was even a purple one in the middle.

"I couldn't find pink and, also, you don't want to copy Jake if he decides he misses his hair." Jude bit his lip. "What do you think?"

Connor picked up a blue hat, the colour of Jude's hair. "You dyed your hair again."

"You were picking on my roots."

"It looks really good."

"Thanks."

Connor pulled off his grey hat, trying not to be self-conscious about his head. He pulled the blue hat on. It was a lighter material and it sat looser on his head than the grey on. He tucked the edges of the blue toque up and positioned it.

"How do I look?"

Jude grinned brightly. "You're stealing my colour."

"Think it looks better on me?"

"No," Jude said, but Connor could tell that he was just being stubborn. "But that doesn't mean it looks bad."

Connor grinned and pulled another one of the hats into his lap. It was white with different colours splattered across it, making it look like an artist had intentionally thrown paint at it.

"I wasn't sure what you'd really like," Jude said, "So I just tried to get a little bit of everything."

"You didn't have to do this."

"I know," Jude said, "but I could and I wanted to. You like them, right?"

"Yeah, this is great! Thank you, Jude!"

"You're welcome."

The guilty feeling in Connor's stomach grew and he wondered if the reason that he felt guilty wasn't because he had kissed someone else but because he was lying to Jake by kissing him. It didn't matter to Connor that Jake wanted to kiss him while Jude didn't. What mattered was that Connor just wanted to kiss Jude. Maybe he felt guilty because he'd lied to himself, thinking that he could trick himself into thinking about more than Jude, but, how could he? Jude bought him hats and visited him every day and held his hand when the pain was bad. There was nothing about Jude that didn't feel perfectly designed for Connor to just fall for him – whether Jude wanted him or not.

"You okay? You're quiet?"

"Thinking." He had to tell Jude.

"About what?"

"You were right."

"Ha," Jude grinned cockily. "You shouldn't be surprised. What was I right about?"

"Jake _does_ like me."

"Oh." Jude picked up an orange hat, kneading it between his fingers. "He told you that."

"I asked him about it."

"So, what?" Jude asked, crushing the hat in one fist. "You want him to?"

"No, um, I don't think so? He kissed me," Connor revealed.

"Oh."

Was that really all that Jude was going to say?

"I don't think … I mean, nothing's going to come of it, right? Kissing someone doesn't always have to mean more, right?"

Jude just shrugged. "It's your kiss. You have to tell me."

"I don't feel more," Connor said, honestly. "I've … I mean, I didn't feel anything."

Jude looked at him and Connor wondered if Jude was going to bring up their kiss. He almost wanted Jude to because it would mean that it meant something to Jude. It meant that he still thought about it and Connor, at least, wanted to know that. Even if Jude wasn't thinking about their kiss in the way that Connor was, Connor wanted to know that Jude hadn't completely dismissed a moment that meant so much to him.

"Maybe you should kiss him again."

" _What_?" All at once, Connor felt that it wasn't what he wanted to hear. He wanted something more like: _maybe you should kiss me again_ or _did you feel something when you kissed me?_

"Well, what can it hurt?"

"I don't like him. It'll make him think I like him more than I do and that's not fair. Why do you want me to kiss Jake?"

"Why not? It's not like I'm going to make you but I think that, you know, you should be happy and if that's what makes you happy, why not? You might get a Valentine, like you wanted."

Connor just slid down his bed, feeling soured. It wasn't what he wanted. It wasn't what he expected. He just felt disappointed to what Jude was saying and it wasn't fair. Jude was being a good friend and, honestly, it was what he was supposed to be saying.

"I don't want him to be my Valentine."

"All right, all right," Jude said. "I'm just saying, do what you want."

"Well, I told you what I wanted and you told me to do something else."

"My fault, I get it," Jude said. He released the hat that he was holding onto.

"No, that wasn't what I meant."

"It's what you said." Jude sighed. "But I get that too. So …"

"So …" Connor didn't think he'd ever felt so awkward looking at Jude, not even following him home from Daria's Christmsa party. "Um, what do you want to do today?"

"I don't know."

"Is there anything you want to do?"

Jude shook his head. "Not really."

"Okay, well, I was thinking I should try to get something done with my homework before I see Ms. Adams again. Wanna help?"

"Sure. I'll get in your way."

"I don't mind," Connor said. Honestly, he liked when Jude was in his way.

Jude moved the hats to a chair and cozied up next to Connor, just like he always did, and the awkward feeling started to leave him. He pulled the work that Ms. Adams had sent to him into his lap and opened it.

"What should we start with?"

Jude snorted. "Like I know anything about what you're doing in school."

"Well, she gave me mostly reading. And then quizzes to take afterward."

"She trusts you not to cheat?"

"More like check your knowledge quizzes," Connor said, reading the note Ms. Adams had taped to the inside of the folder.

He pulled a face at one of the last lines and before he could tell Jude, Jude was peering over his shoulder.

"What? What's it say?"

"You can read it."

 _"Handwriting?"_ Jude scoffed. "Okay, fine, where am I looking?"

Connor pointed at listened to Jude's false starts.

"I can't do it! Cursive letters are from a different alphabet."

"No, they're not. Come on, you know this."

Jude crossed his arms over his chest tightly, looking sulky. "I sound stupid again."

"You never sounded stupid."

Jude glared at him.

"It's me. What do you have to hide from _me_?"

Jude's expression softened around the eyes. "I was supposed to tell you something you didn't know about me. Do you remember asking me that? You were pretty out of it yesterday."

"I don't remember," Connor admitted. "What were you going to tell me?"

"I don't know." Jude shifted the slightest bit closer, though there was hardly any room to do so.

"I guess you are the honest one."

"You were supposed to tell me something back."

Connor stared at Jude's face and then his eyes flickered to Jude's lips. He'd annoyed Jude enough today. Besides, there was no way that Jude _didn't_ know. Connor had come out to him and then kissed him first. There was absolutely no way Jude didn't know.

"I know you can read this sentence."

It was an easy thing and a safe thing to say and it made Jude playfully roll his eyes.

"You can!"

"Okay, I'll try. Point to it again."

"I … I'm? That's an 'M', right?"

"Right."

"G … go … gong?"

"Going."

"To brung … No. I. That's a dot. Bring?"

"Yeah."

"That word's too long. Just tell me."

"Textbooks," Connor said, giving into Jude's pleading look.

"I'm going to bring textbooks next time." Then, Jude made a face too. "Guess your sob story doesn't work on teachers."

"Or _Dad_ works too well on teachers. He still thinks I'll use calc someday but, I swear, even if I somehow got a kidney and lived to be eighty, I'd never use it. I'd never be in a job that needed it."

"Can I ask a dumb question?"

"No."

"What's calc?"

"Calculus," Connor said and he flipped through the worksheets until he found his calculus set. "It's math."

"On what planet?"

"Exactly my point," Connor said.

"So, why take it?"

"Why not? I'm smart enough to and Dad always talked about picking courses that universities would like."

"Oh."

"Guess I can ignore it for a while now. Want to do history or chem?"

"History," Jude decided, looking at the work. "You can read to me for once."

"All right. History it is." He pulled out the papers that he needed and put the folder to the side. "Think you'll find this interesting?"

"Let's find out," Jude said, pointing at the first paragraph. "You owe me."

"I know."

Jude cuddled down against Connor's shoulder and Connor began to read. He owed Jude more than this but this would do for now.

(-.-)

Connor was medicated and asleep in Jude's lap. Jude was staring at his face and trying not to be mad at Connor and mad himself.

 _Why did you kiss Jake?_ I _love you._

But Jude knew it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that Connor had kissed Jake. It wasn't fair that Jake could kiss Connor. It wasn't fair that Jude liked Connor. It wasn't fair that Jude loved Connor. It wasn't fair that Jude couldn't tell Connor that. It wasn't fair that Connor was dying. It wasn't fair that they couldn't just be happy.

He looked up as Adam walked into the room. Adam stopped at the foot of Connor's bed, squinting down at Connor.

"That hat. Is it new?"

Jude nodded. "He didn't like the idea of me colouring his head so I got him some different hats. Grey's boring."

"So's natural hair, apparently," Adam joked, taking his seat. Then, he added, "That's very kind of you, Jude."

"He'd do the same for me," Jude said confidently. After all, Connor had done everything else for him.

"You matter a lot to him," Adam replied. "He was always very loyal to his friends."

"They weren't so loyal to him," Jude snorted.

"A friend with cancer is a hard thing to deal with for thirteen-year-olds," Adam said, while Jude thought that it was also hard for fifteen-year-olds. "Especially once he was like this."

"He's been this bad before?" Jude asked, resisting putting his hands on Connor's sleeping body as he took the half of the sandwich from Adam.

"No but his very first chemo cycle was terrible. I really thought I was going to lose him then."

Adam's voice quivered and Jude looked away.

"I had this fear that he'd just give up because of how much he missed his mom but that's not Connor. If this came down to willpower alone, I wouldn't be worried at all about losing him."

Jude hesitated and then gathered up his courage. "Can I ask you something that I've been scared to ask Connor?"

"Of course," Adam said. "You can ask me anything."

"How much time does he really have left?" Jude asked, trying not to let his voice shake. Did he really want to know? How could he not know?

"It's hard to tell. Could be three months, could be a year. To be honest with you, a year would be a miracle. I want to see him turn sixteen. That's what I'm hoping for."

"So, soon," Jude said. "Sooner rather than later."

Adam nodded. "He's got a lot working against him. Every day's a fight."

"He's getting worse," Jude murmured. "I see him. I notice it. Yesterday was bad. It's all going to end up being like yesterday, isn't it?"

"Yes. Even worse. It's going to be very hard to watch, Jude."

Jude looked down at Connor, his hand resting against Connor's side. He knew what Adam was warning him of. He knew that Adam was trying to say that it was okay if he couldn't be here. "I'm not going to leave. I can't … I couldn't forgive myself if I let him down when things got hard for him. That's not what friends do."

"You're a good man."

Jude didn't think he'd ever been called a man before and he didn't think that he liked it. He wasn't a man. He was fifteen-years-old. Connor wasn't a man. They were still just kids and Connor should get a chance to actually be a man. A man was twenty, thirty, forty, older. Not teenagers. Not them.

"Can I ask you a question?" Adam asked.

"I guess that's fair," Jude decided.

"Did you intentionally match his hat and your hair?"

"No. I just picked out a blue hat. I didn't realize they were that close and then he was the one that he decided he wanted to wear."

"Blue always was his favourite colour," Adam commented. "Well, it's a good colour for your both."

"Thank you," Jude said, feeling self-conscious. He took a bite out of the sandwich. "Thank you for lunch."

"It's better to share it. I'm really glad you're able to spend all this time with him. I feel guilty that I'm at work so much but it's so I can be there later."

"You're around," Jude said. "He knows that. He talks about how often you're here. He's not lonely. He doesn't have to miss you."

"Do your parents miss you?" Adam asked.

"They understand. And, honestly, even if I wasn't here and I was home, it wouldn't be much different."

"Do you really have a home, Jude? Is there someone waiting on you?"

"Yes. That's not a lie. I know school was but I have … family. There's a house, a bed, a lot of fast food but that's the only downside." Jude met Adam's eyes because he felt like that was going to make him more believable. "That's the truth."

"Okay," Adam said. "I believe you. I just wondered."

"I know. It almost seems unbelievable but my home isn't something that you need to worry about."

Adam nodded again and Jude felt like he was believed. He let out an internal sigh of relief. For the moment, he could relax and let the tension in his stomach unfurl.

"I'll be back later, Jude. I'm going to have to get going."

"I'll see you later."

Jude watched Adam leave and he continued to pick at his lunch. He was nearing the end of his sandwich when Connor started to stir. He rubbed his eyes and peeked up at Jude.

"Thirsty?" Jude asked.

Connor nodded and let Jude up to bring him water. Connor took it and started sipping, cuddling back up against Jude.

"Dad here?"

"Yeah. You missed him by, like, fifteen minutes."

"Oh. So you ate?"

"Yeah, I promise."

"I want to be sure."

"I'm supposed to be taking care of you."

"You're my best friend," Connor said. "We take care of each other."

"Yeah," Jude agreed. "I guess that's also what friends are for."

"Am I still going to be your best friend when I'm dead?"

"Yeah, always. You're my first best friend, you know?"

Connor smiled a little. "I'm glad you're my last best friend."

"Maybe you'll live and in ten years, you won't even know my name."

Connor shook his head, wincing.

"Did you make yourself dizzy?" Jude asked, half-concerned and half-amused.

"Whatever. Anyway, _if_ I live, I'd never stop knowing you."

Jude wasn't appreciative of the scornful way that Connor said if he lived but was distracted enough by his last comment. Jude had never thought of what his life might get like as he got older – it was hard enough getting through one day. But were he and Callie going to be in their twenties and thirties, living in the attic and avoiding Nic? Once Jude was aged out of the system, could he start to move on with his life or would that just put Callie in danger, if they were still in contact?

"I think we could still be best friends if we were older," Connor continued. "I really do but I'm not …"

"Well, you're going to make it to sixteen, at least. I promised to get you a cupcake for your birthday too." Jude glanced at him. Adam had made it sound like it was more than reasonable to think that Connor was going to make it that far, at least.

"I don't know what state I'll be in but I should still be here. Not that I want to go or anything. I'm not ready for life to be over yet. It's so hard to think about. Life going on after I'm dead, the way that it did when my mom died. Not knowing what's coming next or …" Connor curled his knees up to his chest. "Have you ever really thought about it, Jude? Dying, I mean."

"Yeah," Jude murmured. "I did, once. I had to."

"Did you think _you_ were going to die?"

"Yeah. It felt like it. Back when that I was hurt, really bad. There was so much pain and I was so scared and I thought that I was … It was a really bad time," Jude finished in a whisper.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you think of bad things like that."

"It's okay. I can trust you. It just hurts to think about."

"But you're safe now, right?"

" _Safer_ ," Jude corrected.

Connor's hand curled around his own.

"But, you really don't have to worry about me." Connor had way bigger things to think about than what Jude was doing at home.

"That's what friends are for, Jude," Connor reminded him.

"Yeah, I guess it is," Jude mused.

Connor's head rested down against his shoulder and Jude squeezed his hand. Friends also weren't supposed to be fifteen and dying and Jude knew that he would _never_ get over what Connor was going through now. He knew that he would never fully be able to move on from sitting in the hospital room and watching Connor slip away bit by bit. He put his head down on top of Connor's, feeling his hat squish and then they just sat there, tied around one another, as the afternoon faded away.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Won't Stop Running**_ **by A Great Big World; and** _ **Thief**_ **by Our Lady Peace.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	28. Queen Of Clubs

Connor was alone. Adam had elected not to spend the night with him tonight and Connor couldn't say he blamed him. There was no upside to sleeping in the same room with him when the hospital cots were so uncomfortable and Adam could actually sleep. He'd never said it aloud, though, because he knew why Adam liked being here with him and, honestly, most of the time he liked having Adam here too. He cracked open his mother's copy of _To Kill A Mockingbird_ , finding where he left off. His mother had been a big believer in underlining passages though she had rarely made comments in the margins. Connor had been doing the opposite as he read. He knew Adam didn't love the novel the way that Connor did but he wanted to leave the novel behind for Adam. Like a last letter or something since Connor really didn't believe that he would have the strength to write a goodbye to his father.

He put a heart underneath one of the lines that his mother had underlined in faint grey pencil, glad that they connected with the same words. He looked up as someone knocked on his door.

"Oh, hi, Jake."

Connor had been avoiding him in the two days since Jake had kissed him. He didn't want to kiss Jake again but he also didn't want to have to tell Jake that. He'd never had anyone like Jake in and around his life before. He didn't know how to push someone away like that.

Jake leant on the edge of his bed. "Hey."

"Oh, hi. I –"

Jake leant into his personal space and Connor's tongue got so tangled in his throat that Jake kissed him again before he knew what to say. For a moment, Connor let himself feel the kiss, let his lips move against Jake's again, but there was the same nothingness that there had been before and Connor put his hands up, pushing Jake away.

"I don't like you like that," Connor said. "I don't want to kiss you or anything. We can be friends but I don't want anything else."

He averted his eyes from Jake's face as he said it.

"You like Jude, right?"

"So? What if I do?"

 _"The straight guy?"_

"It doesn't have to make sense. It's what I feel. I don't have to kiss you."

"No need to get defensive about it," Jake said quickly. "I don't have to kiss you, either. I'm just saying, crushes on straight kids? It's never going to work out."

"I know _that_ ," Connor said. "He knows how I feel and it's not working out."

"You told _him_?"

"I _kissed_ him," Connor said. "And he didn't kiss me back."

Connor knew that it wasn't necessarily true. He remembered those moments where Jude's lips moved against his and it was a real, honest kiss. He didn't want to share those details with Jake because he knew how easy it would be tear it down. After all, Connor had _just_ kissed Jake back, all because Jake had kissed him first. It was just the act of being kissed. It didn't mean anything but Connor didn't want to hear Jake say it because he just wanted to believe something else when it came to Jude. He _knew_ better but he wanted to believe something else.

"Harsh," Jake said.

"Yeah." Connor shrugged.

"How can you still be around him? I've been there and we never talked again."

"Jude means more to me than that."

Jake shook his head. "That's bad."

"How can that be bad?" Connor asked.

"No, I meant you've got it bad." Jake shook his head. "Which sucks for you."

"It kind of does," Connor admitted, for the first time feeling like he was admitting it to someone who understood. He had hinted about it to Ms. Adams but he hadn't been ready to quite admit it to an adult – to his counselor. Admitting it to Jake felt easier because he felt like Jake really did know what he was feeling. He understood it in the way that Connor felt like Ms. Adams couldn't because, whatever she had been through, she had grown up now and Connor knew that adults looked at things differently, even if they didn't mean to. "But it also kind of doesn't."

Because Connor loved the way that Jude made him feel as he much as it sometimes pained him.

"Yeah, I know that too." Connor glanced up at Jake. He wasn't unattractive – smooth brown skin, save for a few pimples near his hairline; bright blue eyes; dense, wavy hair.

"I've never really had anyone to talk to about stuff like that. My friends left when I got sick and since then it's all been doctors and my dad until Jude but I can't talk to Jude about this. Obviously."

"Yeah, I get that. It's lonely being the walking dead."

Connor cracked half a smile. "And you're so calm about that too."

"The dying thing? Well, it's going to suck. I'm hoping it's quick. I'm hoping my mom stops crying sooner rather than later but … I had fun, being alive. My mom loved me and I loved my mom and she knows that and I know that. Everyone dies someday."

"How long have you been rehearsing that speech?"

"A couple of weeks. I need to give a longer one to my mom soon. How was that?"

"It was pretty good," Connor admitted.

"Good." Jake smiled. "But, you know, maybe one of us will live. Want to flip a coin?"

"That seems really morbid."

"Heads or tails?"

"Heads," Connor blurted, watching the quarter fly through the air.

Jake reached out to catch it but it bounced off the side of his palm and rolled off the bed, across the floor and stayed, leaning, against the wall.

"Guess we both die?" Jake said.

"Or we both live?" Connor corrected.

"I won't hold my breath. Are you going to hold yours?"

"Jude thinks I'll live."

"What does your dad think?"

"I think he's hoping I will more than he's believing I won't."

"They wouldn't be good family members if they didn't keep the faith," Jake said. "What do you think?"

"It's easier to believe I'll die than hope I won't."

"I know that feeling too."

Connor was starting to feel like Jake understood him more than Connor was originally giving him credit for.

"I'm glad we're friends."

"As bad as it sounds, I was glad to have someone of the same age around."

"Yeah, it does sound kind of bad."

Jake cracked a smile. "All right. See you tomorrow, Connor."

"See you tomorrow," Connor murmured.

He watched Jake head out of the room and then he laid back against his pillows, trying to fall asleep.

(-.-)

Jude woke up when Callie's alarm went off, squinting up at the ceiling. "What time's it?"

"Just after four," she whispered. "You can go back to bed."

Jude sat up, shoving his lumpy comforter off of him and wiping at his face. "Why are you up so early?"

"Nic said he needed people early this morning. I think he's worried about something."

"Worried about something like what?"

"I'm not sure. Probably something stupid like the last time he was worried. Don't you worry."

"Okay, tell me about it later?"

"Maybe," Callie said. Jude closed his eyes as she started to get dressed. "I'll tell you if it affects you."

It all affected him because it all affected Callie but Jude didn't say it. He knew she was just trying to protect him from it and he would rather not know it.

"I think there's still another burger in the fridge. I'll try and bring home some more food tonight. Other than that, I think we have one can of soup."

Jude would almost rather not eat than trying to choke down another burger but he knew that he couldn't bother Callie about something as simple as that. She got the food for them that she could and Jude was always forced to admit to himself that he probably wouldn't do much better if she told him to start getting food for the apartment instead. He opened his eyes as Callie sat down on the edge of the bed to start pulling on her ratty sneakers.

"You going to the hospital later?" she asked him.

"Yeah, of course. Where else would I go?" Jude asked.

"Maybe you could pop by the Centre, see a tutor again for just a few minutes," Callie suggested.

"I've been helping Connor with his homework," Jude said. "That should count for something."

"I'm not saying that you should spend the whole day away from him," Callie griped bitterly and Jude was reminded of her drunken words.

"He'll die and you won't have to worry about it," Jude spat, watching her face fall and twitch. He didn't remember their mother dying but he knew Callie did and he was becoming more and more sure that she was thinking about the loss of their mother when he reminded her of Connor's death. "And then I'll go to the Centre because I won't care anymore."

Callie shook her head and smoothed down her choppy hair. She reached across the bed and hugged him tightly.

"Okay, I'm sorry." She kissed his forehead. "I love you, I'll see you when you get home, okay?"

"Love you too," Jude muttered and he watched her walk out the door.

Exhausted, Jude flopped back on the bed and curled up under his blanket, trying to fall back to sleep. There were several hours until visiting hours at the hospital started up and a few hours until he actually had to start getting ready to do anything. He closed his eyes but he couldn't get himself to go back to sleep the way that he needed by the time that it was time to roll out of bed. He rubbed at his eyes and wished he had enough money to keep up a coffee habit as he took a quick shower in lukewarm water. He sniffed at his shirt and pants before he dressed himself, thinking that he would have to do laundry sooner rather than later. Then, he was out the door, slinging his backpack over his shoulder as he ran toward the street.

He caught his bus to the hospital, running only a few minutes behind. It was a Saturday and, so, he wasn't surprised that Adam was in with Connor when he arrived. Connor was wearing the purple hat Jude had bought him and he looked listless when he looked up toward Jude.

"How are you feeling?" Jude asked.

Connor glanced at Adam first. "Jake died early this morning."

" _What?_ " Admittedly, it had been a few days since Jude had seen Jake but Jake hadn't seemed on death's door. He'd been laughing, leaning in the door of Connor's room and saying that they'd see each other tomorrow but they hadn't – as far as Jude knew, at least. Jake hadn't been by while Jude had been visiting, at least.

Connor turned on his side and gestured Jude toward him and Jude dropped his bag in the extra visitor's chair and climbed into bed next to him.

"He had a heart attack, according to Nurse Mac," Adam said.

Connor grabbed onto Jude's hand. "We flipped a coin to see who'd die."

"Connor," Adam groaned before Jude had a chance to.

"Neither of us won. It was leaning against the wall. He said it meant we both lost. I said it meant we both won."

"You're not next," Jude said sternly, knowing what Connor was thinking. "I told you, you're not going to die."

Connor didn't say anything. He closed his eyes and hid his face in Jude's shirt; Jude felt his tears dripping through the fabric. He didn't say anything else, just rested his hand on Connor's side and let him feel. He wondered if it was the best thing but he was also worried about crossing lines in front of Adam.

"He wasn't afraid," Connor said softly.

Jude didn't know what to say but when he looked over at Adam, it didn't look like he had any other ideas.

"Is there anything that we can do, Connor?" Adam asked.

"I don't even know what to think … We weren't that close. We weren't really good friends or anything! But he's dead and that can't change. I remember when Mom died and I kept waiting for it to change."

"Connor –"

"No, don't," Connor snapped and Jude had never heard such an edge to Connor's voice. "I don't want you to talk about Mom."

"I'm sorry," Adam said. "How about we put a movie on?"

"Sure, whatever."

Adam found an animated movie to put on, some musical with a princess and Jude barely registered more than that. When Adam finally went to the washroom, Jude nudged at his still friend.

"You okay? Really?"

"I don't know. I meant it. I don't know how to feel. How I'm _allowed_ to feel or anything like that and it was just … quick. I know he was sick but he didn't even look like it and what if today is the real last day but I have no idea!? What do I do with that? Mom didn't know it was her last day either and then she was just gone too. We don't get to know and that's terrifying and I hate thinking about it but is that selfish of me? I don't … I don't know anything, Jude."

Connor clamped his mouth shut when Adam came out of the room but the tears were still brimming in his eyes. Jude didn't know what to tell him about death and, so, he wrapped his arm tighter around Connor, staring up at the TV, waiting for someone else to break the silence, though he was worried that time would never come. They wasted away the movie and half of a second one and, _finally,_ Adam cleared his throat.

"I think it's just about lunch time. Would you like anything, Jude?"

"Oh, a sandwich, please, if you don't mind."

Jude didn't offer to go and fetch the meal; Adam was starting to take on the look of a caged animal and he assumed that he wanted the small breather for himself. When Adam was out of the room, Connor pushed himself up.

"Connor?"

"Yeah?"

"What happened to your mom?" He could see the hesitation on Connor's face. "You don't have to but –"

"Her car was in for repairs or something and so Dad was supposed to pick her up from work but he wasn't there. She called the house and I told her that he wasn't home and she told me that he wasn't answering his phone. She said to call her back on her phone if he came home and she told me to make sure that I put the frozen chicken on the counter for supper and she was going to walk and she said she loved me and I said I loved her too but I was really thinking of the fact that I had forgotten to put the chicken out and if she'd be mad about it when she got home." Connor swallowed. "She was hit by a car. Dad still wasn't home by the time the police showed up to tell us and, uh, he's never told me where he was that was more important than picking Mom up and I haven't … I haven't forgiven that."

"I'm sorry."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay," Jude said, but he couldn't resist adding, "My mom died in a car accident too. My dad was the one driving,"

Connor squeezed his hand tightly. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"No more death today, Jude."

Jude could only agree.

Adam came back in with their lunch and Jude forced himself to shift his attention to the food. Connor managed to finish most of his lunch before his medication had him knocked out and asleep on Jude. It was the most normal part of the day and Jude grabbed onto it, glad for the Adam's silence. Most of the time, he could take the conversations that would pop up between them – even though some of them did make him uncomfortable in the end. Today, though, he knew that he and Adam wanted to be alone with their thoughts. They let the TV play for background noise but Jude knew that they were both just watching Connor sleep, wondering if he really would be next and how much time was left. Jude wanted a real clock. He wanted to know. It was haunting him every time that he left for home and he didn't know what was going on with Connor, knowing that he would never find out what was going on until the next morning, because no one knew how to find him.

It was about the time Connor usually woke up when Ms. Adams walked into the room. She glanced at Connor, who was starting to rub at his face and slowly wake up. As Ms. Adams sat down, Adam got up the fetch Connor the water that he always wanted. Connor stretched and his hand searched along the blanket until he found Jude's hand.

"Dad …" Connor groaned and Adam slid the cup in his hand.

"Ms. Adams came to say hello," Adam said.

"And to pick up the homework I _think_ you're doing," she added.

"He's been doing the parts of it he wants to," Jude said.

"If I don't _have_ to do calc, I'm not going to," Connor groaned.

"Someone's going to start making you. Schoolwork is still important."

"You're a dad, you have to say that, even though you're the only one here who thinks that," Connor snorted.

"Well, perhaps not the only one," Ms. Adams said. "It looks like you're outnumbered."

"Jude's on my side," Connor said, so confident that he didn't glance over at Jude when he said it, but Jude didn't even open his mouth. He was on Connor's side; of course, he was on Connor's side. "So, it's a tie."

"We need someone else in the room to break the tie," Ms. Adams said.

Jude glanced toward the door but there was no one there. Not even a nurse to head in and side with the adults. He reached over and handed Ms. Adams the folder that Connor was always working out of it and she opened it.

"It looks like you and history are becoming better friends," she mused.

"Well, Jude likes history too," Connor said. "So, we do that when he's here."

To say that Jude liked history was a massive overstatement. To say that he found history the best out of Connor's classes was probably more accurate but the distinction didn't really matter. If it made Ms. Adams think that Jude was a good history student, then that was what mattered.

"When's your favourite part of history, Jude?" she asked.

Jude looked at her. There was no way for him to guess what Ms. Adams did or didn't know about history and what the right answer would be. He took a deep breath. "Um … civil war."

"Really? I don't remember a whole lot about the civil war myself."

Was that good or bad?

"Maybe you could tell me some things about it."

Bad. It was definitely bad. Very bad.

"Ms. Adams, this isn't a classroom," Connor complained and he squeezed Jude's hand so that Jude would know exactly what it was he was doing. " _And_ , it's a Saturday. Leave Jude alone."

"All right, all right. I'll just have to come back when you're doing homework so that school talk isn't off-limits then."

"Thanks!" Connor said brightly.

Jude heard hurried footsteps heading toward Connor's room and he wondered if it was Nurse Mac on duty today. He thought that Nurse Mac might be Connor's favourite and Jude had to admit that he liked Nurse Mac too. But it wasn't a nurse or a doctor that poked their head around Connor's door.

"What are you doing here?" Jude demanded and Connor held onto him tightly as Jude sat upright in bed.

"I found you! God!" Callie exclaimed, darting forward. "Come on, we've got to go."

"Go?" Jude repeated, his legs hanging over the side of the bed. "Go where?"

Callie looked over at Adam and Ms. Adams. "Away. There was a bust and they saw me. We have to leave the state or maybe the country. I don't know. We'll figure it out when we get out of here."

"Excuse me," Ms. Adams said. "What's going on? Is everyone okay?"

"Jude!" Callie said, ignoring Ms. Adams and grabbing onto Jude to shake him. His teeth clacked together. "Let's _go_."

But once they went, they were gone, and Jude knew that they could never come back, and he was never going to see Connor again and the end was right now and it wasn't even because Connor was gone. It was because Jude had to protect Callie. His heart hurt and he looked back over at Connor who was desperately clinging to him.

"What is happening?" Ms. Adams demanded and her tone was so authoritative that Jude almost told her.

"Who are you?" Adam asked, his voice rough.

"Jude! I might have been followed!"

"I …" Jude couldn't even turn to look at Callie. He couldn't breathe. He could just stare at Connor because he'd never see him again.

"Let's go!"

Callie yanked Jude so roughly that he nearly fell over instead of standing and Connor's hand was ripped from his own. Ms. Adams and Adam jumped to their feet but Jude pulled himself away from her.

"Callie! This is –"

"Something we always knew might happen! We have to go! Stop looking at him, Jude, he's going to die anyway and then where are you going to be!"

Jude pulled himself away from her. "What the hell, Callie?"

He heard Connor's sharp intake of breath behind him and then Connor's hand touched his back. "Jude, you have to go with her."

"I'll never see you again!" Jude cried.

"What is going on!?" Ms. Adams exclaimed.

"She's right," Connor said. "I'm dying."

"I can't leave you! I can't choose, I –"

"Shit!" Callie cried and Jude turned around to see her peeking out the door. "You already made your choice, Jude, and know whatever happens to me is your fault."

"That's not fair!" Connor yelled at her, struggling to sit up.

"And what does he know?" Callie demanded.

"Nothing!"

Callie took him by the shoulders and sat him down on the edge of Connor's bed. She pressed his forehead to his. "I love you."

"I love you too." He couldn't help the tears that were welling up in his eyes. What had he done? He couldn't lose her!

"Now, I don't know you and you don't know anything."

"I know."

"Jude, explain yourself," Adam ordered but the tears were coming too hard now and he couldn't look up as Callie bolted out of the room.

Jude curled up against Connor's side, feeling like he was going to throw up as the shout of _"police, stop!"_ and then the sound of someone being read their rights just outside the door. It was all over. Callie was in handcuffs by now and Nic was gone and he was homeless and without Callie and he had nowhere to go and he was all alone and it was the worst thing that could possibly have happened.

"Jude," Ms. Adams said, "we can help you but you need to tell us what's going on."

"She's my sister," Jude hiccoughed. "And she's … she was … protecting me … and, um, and … Oh my God."

"It's okay," Connor said. "You can trust them, I promise."

"She didn't want me to know what she was doing," Jude whispered, "so I don't know. I don't but we ended up on the streets because … because … I … I had a foster father that tried to kill me and so she killed him first." Jude hid his face in his hands. "I want her back."

"Oh, Jude … I'm going to call my wife, all right? She's a police officer, remember? We're going to try to help you, Jude."

"Lena, may I speak to you outside?" Adam asked.

"Of course."

They left the room but they didn't close the door all the way.

"Jude –"

"Shh. I want to be able to hear them," Jude said, and he would be lying if he said he was ready to talk about it. He still couldn't think about the fact that he was never going to see the apartment again. Callie wasn't going to be waiting for him when he walked through the door. He didn't know when he was going to see Callie was ever again. If he ever saw Callie again.

"Stef and I are foster parents. If he's had foster fathers before, it means that he probably wasn't adopted. If he's okay with it, Stef and I will take him and she and I will do everything we can to help the sister too."

"I know you have other children, Lena, so anything that I can do to help you, let me know. He and Connor are such good friends and I care about him too. I want to make sure they're able to stay together and that Jude's safe."

"We'll take good care of him," Lena said, "but we'll let you know. I just want to get Stef over here now. The sooner we try to start sorting things out, the better it will be."

"Okay."

Jude could tell that the conversation was winding down and he just hid against Connor. Connor's trembling hand rubbed at his arm and Jude just cried.

"It's okay, Jude. It's okay. I'm sorry."

Jude didn't know if it was true or not but he didn't care. It was nice to hear. It was nice to pretend.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **My Best Friend**_ **by Tim McGraw; and** _ **Long Time Coming**_ **by Oliver James.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	29. Three Of Hearts

Jude stared blankly at Brandon's bedroom wall. He'd thought that he'd never see this room again and he wished that it was true. He shouldn't be here. He should be in the attic. Callie should be exhausted and babbling about burgers before going to bed too early. How had it changed? It had happened all too quickly; he had no warning. How could there have been absolutely no warning? It had all been fine this morning. There had been nothing to tell Jude that it was coming and there should have been something. And he should have known better that there would be nothing. Everything else that had happened in his life had been an accident – a twist of fate that no one could have anticipated or prepared for. And he and Callie should have been better prepared for it to happen. Being around Nic was like balancing on a knife's edge and they should have known that they were either going to fall off or get cut. And, really, it was all Jude's fault that Callie had been taken away and gotten caught. If she didn't have him, she could have run straight away. If he hadn't been so torn about leaving Connor behind, _they_ would have been gone and they would have been fine.

Connor would have haunted him forever but Callie would have been free. Jude didn't know what the right decision would have been. He wasn't sure he'd ever make up his mind about it.

There was a knock at the door and Jude turned his head slowly, seeing Stef and Lena standing in the doorway.

"Hi, love," Stef said. "How are you feeling?"

"I don't know," Jude whispered as they sat at the end of the bed. How was he supposed to know?

"I found Callie," Stef said. "She's in a juvenile detention centre. Other than that, I haven't been able to get any details."

"Can I talk to her?" Jude blurted.

"Tomorrow. It's late now but we'll phone tomorrow."

Jude nodded. "Okay."

He just needed to speak to her again. He needed to say sorry and hear that she was fine.

"What's going to happen to her?"

"I don't know," Stef said. "There's a lot at play that can affect the outcome. We'll figure it out as it goes but, I promise, I will make sure that we stay updated. We'll make sure she's not alone."

"Thank you." Jude faced the wall again. His brain didn't work.

"And, Jude," Lena said, "we would like you to be comfortable here, for as long as you're here, so, if you need anything, don't be afraid to tell us."

 _For as long as you're here_. Jude looked over at Lena. "Do you not want me here?"

"No, we do, Jude, of course. We really want you here."

"Because of Connor? Because of what Adam said?" Jude asked and Lena just shook her head at him.

"We don't really know you yet, Jude, but we like you and we want to help you. We're not doing this as a favour to anyone or anything of the sort. You're not being forced on us."

Jude wasn't sure that he believed it but, especially with the way Lena said it, he desperately wanted to trust her. He felt like the only person he had never been forced upon was Connor because Connor had so many chances to turn him away or not talk to him again before they were really cemented as friends. Everyone else, he had ended up stuck to – like he was a human burr they couldn't get off.

"Can … Can I call Connor?" Jude asked, though he'd barely left the hospital an hour before.

Stef and Lena glanced at each other quickly. "Sure, but, make it a short phone call, okay? He needs his sleep and so do you."

Like Jude needed to be told.

"It'll be short," he promised. Stef quickly hunted him out the phone. As she handed it to him, she said, "To bed right after."

"Okay." She left the room and Lena lingered a moment more. Jude took a deep breath. "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything," she said. "I promise honesty."

"Are you gonna let me go see Connor tomorrow? Or does that have to change too?"

Lena's brown eyes softened and Jude thought he might have spied the shimmer of a tear in the bottom of her eye before she blinked at it was gone. "We're going to let you see Connor, Jude. We wouldn't take that away from you."

"But as much as before?" Jude asked. "I wasn't allowed to be home and so I just stayed with him and … he's not getting better and I know that and I … I don't want to … lose time," he whispered, realizing how desperate he sounded. He shoved the back of his hand along underneath of his own eyes. He wasn't going to cry about it.

"We will figure it out," Lena said, "but … Yes."

"Yes, what?"

"You'll see Connor as much as before."

"Thank you," Jude whispered, feeling a lump build in his throat. He looked down at the phone in his hand.

"Have a good night, Jude."

"You too."

She pulled the door just to before leaving and then Jude typed out Connor's number, holding the phone up to his ear when it rang.

"Hello?"

"Are you sleeping?"

"No, but almost. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I think so. I just wanted to hear something familiar." Jude laid down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. "I never thought of that place as home but I want to go home. I want Callie. I want …"

Jude sighed and let himself fall back onto the bed.

"I'm sorry, Jude. Can I do anything?"

"No. I just wanted something. Someone. I don't have anything real anymore. I just want to feel better but …"

His words failed him, wasting away in his throat and Jude hid his face in a pillow. A pillow that smelled like a boy he hadn't met yet and not his sister. He didn't have anything of Callie left and he felt like his brain was spinning. How could there not be anything left?

"You've got me," Connor said. "Hopefully something good happens now but I'm sorry that happened to Callie."

"Me too," Jude said. It all seemed so stupid now. All of the years of fear and anger and hurt that they had gone through meant nothing. All that Callie had sacrificed and everything that she had ever done for Nic meant nothing. Why had they done that if this was the ending? Nothing made sense and that was what he told Connor.

"I get it," Connor said and Jude knew that he was understood. "I wish I could make it make sense for you."

"I wish that it would make sense. Everything. My mom dying, your mom, your cancer, Callie. I just want a reason. What's the reason?"

"I dunno," Connor said. "If you ever find out, will you tell Dad for me? He wants that reason."

"Don't you?" Jude asked, and he felt genuine curiousity. He was glad for that; he was glad for the brief respite that came from thinking of something that wasn't about Callie.

"If I believed in a reason, I think I'd want it. I think I'm just cursed."

"That's a reason," Jude pointed out.

"Oh … Yeah, I guess. But Jake's dead and people die and maybe that's the reason. There's no room for people to live forever and maybe there's no room for me anymore. What do I know? I think it's one of those kinds of things you can only know when it's all over and you get to look back at the whole thing."

"You're smarter than you look," Jude quipped.

"But not as smart as you."

"I'm really not –"

"No, not going to hear it. You're great, Jude."

"Your meds are kicking in," Jude mused, hearing Connor's voice start to slur. "Guess I'm going to have to hang up soon."

"Yeah," Connor said. "They're trying something new. This is what drunk people feel like."

"Not that you'd know."

"I know now," Connor replied. "I … I wish I could fix everything for you. You deserve everything."

Jude hugged his legs up to his chest, drinking in Connor's voice. He felt comforted; he felt cared about. And he felt like he loved Connor, for everything that he was saying. He knew Jude well enough to know exactly what he needed to hear and how to say it and how to make him feel better.

"I just …" Connor started and quickly stopped. "I wish … you were here."

"Me too but I'll see you tomorrow. Lena promised."

"Good."

"You go to sleep now," Jude said. "You need it."

"You sleep too," Connor said. "Good dreams. Promise?"

"I'll do my best."

"You'll be okay."

"Night, Connor."

"Night, Jude."

Jude hung up the phone and placed it carefully on the nightstand. He put his borrowed pyjamas on and climbed into his stolen bed. He went to turn the lamp off but then he drew his hand back into himself. Jude had never been afraid of the dark but, tonight, he was too afraid to lay there and look at shadows, thinking of everything had gone wrong. Instead, just like the last time he had stayed in the house, he picked up _To Kill A Mockingbird_ , and flipped back to the very beginning, like things would be different if he did.

(-.-)

Jude trotted down the steps of Stef's and Lena's home, finding Lena still in the kitchen, talking to Mariana.

"What time did Jesus say he'd be home tonight?"

"Seven or so. He said he'd probably be back in time for supper."

Jude hadn't officially met Jesus yet. He had been on an overnight wrestling trip and Jude wasn't looking forward to him coming back. He was looking forward to meeting Brandon even less, though he had no idea when or if that would even happen. He really wasn't sure of anything going on in his life at the moment and he hated it. His days had been hard, before, but they were routine, normal. He knew what was going on. Now, though, he had absolutely no idea what he was walking into.

"Good morning, Jude!" Lena trilled.

Mariana glanced over her shoulder. "Hey."

"Hi," Jude said. Mariana was nice. He thought that she might like him. At the very least, he was sure that she didn't mind him.

"So, I took a half day off work," Lena said. "I thought that we might drop Mariana off at school and then go clothes shopping for you and get you some things."

"Really?" Why would they want to spend money on him?

"Really. Jesus's hand-me-downs fit you pretty well and we've loads of them laying around but there's still a couple of things that you need."

"Oh. Thank you."

"And then I can drop you off to see Connor before I go to school."

"Thank you." Jude eased himself into one of the tall chairs around their island. "Have you heard about Callie?"

"Stef said she'd call before lunch. We'll try calling Callie as soon as she's figured it out."

Jude nodded, looking down at the countertop instead of at Lena's smile.

"Would you like some cereal for breakfast?"

Jude nodded, saying thank you again as Lena set him up with a bowl. He ate mechanically, unable to appreciate the fact that he was getting breakfast and it wasn't a cold three-day-old burger. All he could think about was that it wasn't normal. Would things ever feel normal again? The more Jude went through his day, the less he thought so. He hated seeing the school when they dropped Mariana off but he was sorry to see her go, because then she wasn't around to distract Lena. It was just him and her in the car and Jude was waiting for her questions to start. They didn't as they headed to the mall and that was worse. Jude would rather get it over with than have to sit around and stare at her, wondering what she was thinking about him and wondering what was on her mind. He didn't know her at all, let alone enough to guess what her impression of him was.

"Okay, socks, shoes, underwear," Lena said as they headed inside. "What else do you think you need?"

"Nothing, it's fine," Jude said quickly. He didn't need to be even more of a leech than he was already being. They were already doing more than enough for him.

"Would you like a new backpack?" Lena asked. "This one looks like it's seen better days."

"No, it's all right. It still works." He couldn't let everything in his life be replaced. His bag might be the only familiar thing he had left by the end of it.

"Sure," Lena said. "If you need anything, Jude, it's okay to say so."

Jude shook his head.

"We'll listen to anything you want to say."

"Thanks," Jude said, because he felt like that was what was supposed to say. He waited for more questions but they ducked inside of a store.

He fidgeted restlessly as Lena asked him what colours he liked and what size he was. They were standing in line to pay when her phone went off. He recognized Stef's photo on the screen and bounced onto his toes. Callie. He was going to get to talk to Callie. Lena quickly paid and then she handed Jude the bag as she put her phone to her ear. Jude followed her back out to the car, trying to understand what was going on from her side of the conversation. She sat in the driver's seat and scribbled a number on the side of an envelope. Jude sat patiently in the passenger side until she hung up.

She turned to look at Jude and smiled brightly. "Let's call Callie!"

Jude's fingers shook as he watched her dial the number. She was on the phone for just a few seconds and then she handed it over to Jude.

"Jude!" Callie exclaimed. "Don't call me."

"Don't you tell me that!" Jude snapped. "What the hell?"

"I'm not saying it. There's a lot of trouble, Jude, and it's going to be better if you just stay away from me for as long as possible."

"No, not doing that. Not even a little bit. Where are you? Are you okay? What's going on?"

"I don't know but, honestly, I don't think I'm going to be getting out of here anytime soon. Best case reality … I'm so close to being an adult …"

"I want to come see you."

"Out of the question. I don't matter. Tell me about you," Callie demanded. "Where are you? Are you safe?"

"I am. I'm with Connor's guidance counselor. I stayed at her place the night I ran away, remember?"

"I remember. Tell me more about it. Are you going to be able to stay?"

"For a little while." Jude turned his back on Lena, hiding against the door. "Are you mad at me? I'm sorry for not making a quick enough decision."

"It's not your fault," Callie said and she sighed. "No, it's not. I guess we shouldn't be surprised that this happened. I'm just sorry that it happened like that. I always thought that we'd have more time and I would figure out the best place for you to go."

"I am in a good place," Jude promised her. "You don't have to worry about me. You just have to worry for you. I want you to be safe and I want you to get out of there! Let me come see you!"

"I don't want you to see me like this!"

"You're going to have to let me call you again."

"I will. You can write me letters and stuff too. I want to know you're fine." Callie sighed again. "I've got to go, Jude. I love you."

"I love you too," Jude said, and he felt like his heart was breaking again when she hung up on him. He put the phone back in Lena's hand.

"How is she?" Lena asked.

"She sounds more scared than I've ever heard her," Jude revealed. "She said that I couldn't go see her but I really want to see her."

"Well, let's try just calling her some and seeing if we can convince her that it's better to go see her."

"She said we could write letters," Jude said. He'd get Connor to help him. Letters to Callie _would_ get written.

"We'll do that too."

Jude pulled his legs up onto the seat and wrapped his arms around himself. "Can we go see Connor now?"

"Sure, honey. Do you want to pick up food on the way?"

"No, I'm not hungry."

Lena tried to talk to him on the drive over and Jude just rebuffed her words, keeping his answers as short as he possibly could. He was surprised when she parked and followed him up to Connor's room but he didn't say anything to her about it. He hurried ahead of her in the hallway and then into Connor's room. Connor was awake, his head hanging over his lunch, picking at it. He looked up when Jude walked in, adjusting his hat.

"You okay?"

Jude felt exhausted and overwhelmed. He kicked off his shoes and flopped face down on the bed, his face in Connor's pillow.

"How are you feeling, Connor?" Lena asked.

"Better than yesterday, I think. Less of an appetite, though. Other than that, I'm pretty stable."

"I'm glad to hear it. I have to get back to school. Jude, don't catch a bus home, either Stef and I will come by to pick you up later."

"Okay," Jude said into the pillow.

"Bye, Ms. Adams."

Jude heard her footsteps leave and then he let out a long groan into the pillow.

"She hates me! I know she hates me!"

"No, there's no way she hates you. Did you talk to her?"

"Yeah."

"And?"

"She said she didn't hate me and that she wasn't mad."

"So, she probably doesn't hate you and she probably isn't mad." Connor nudged Jude's side. "At some point, you'll have to start trusting people."

"I trust people."

"Okay, two people isn't a lot."

"It is if you only know five people," Jude replied, sitting up quickly. He rested his elbow on his knee and his head in his hand. "I don't know. I feel like she should be mad. I feel like Callie would be angry at me for this and I don't understand why she's not. It's not normal for her!"

"Well, maybe she's learnt some things."

"It's been less than a day. She hasn't had time to learn anything. She's just had time to get mad, which she didn't!"

Jude could see that Connor was really thinking about it and it pleased him that Connor was taking the time, even though he didn't know Callie at all and his guess was definitely worse than Jude's at what was currently going through her head. He just loved that Connor cared so much about him.

"Maybe she's so scared about her and you that she's not even thinking about being mad." Connor shrugged. "Which, good point, she's not mad now, but, bad point, she'll probably carry around a grudge until she sees you again."

"She won't let me see her," Jude whined, feeling utterly defeated by it.

"I'm sorry."

"And I forgot to ask anyone how often I'm allowed to call her and so I don't know … I don't know anything, Connor!" Jude hid his face in his hands. "What do I do?"

"I don't know. Make sure you ask when you can call again?"

Jude was torn between laughing at what was clearly supposed to be a really stupid joke and getting mad at Connor for making it in the first place. He scrubbed his hands over his face, trying to breathe. "I don't want anything to change."

"Sucks that it already has, then."

Jude groaned and settled back normally against Connor's pillows so that they were shoulder to shoulder.

"Can I do anything?"

"Callie said I could write letters to her. I'm going to need your help with that."

"Your writing is great."

"Paper doesn't have spellcheck," Jude said. "And, also, you're a liar."

"Nope, not anymore, I promised," Connor said, and his hand snuck down to take Jude's. Jude closed his eyes at the contact, trying not to think of what Callie would think of the two of them. "You'll be okay, Jude, and so will she. I promise."

"Unless Jesus doesn't like me and so Stef and Lena decide to get rid of me."

"Good luck. Jesus gets really caught up in himself, so, he might not even notice you."

Jude laughed a little and it felt nice to do so.

"No, I mean it. And there's no reason why anyone wouldn't like you."

"There's a lot of reasons why someone wouldn't like me," Jude snorted, glancing over at Connor. But that was a mistake, because Connor was just staring at him in such a way that made Jude feel like he couldn't breathe at all.

"There's not."

Jude felt like Connor was biased but he also felt like Connor was the one who knew him best. He rested his head back along the uncomfortable bed. "I'm just so tired."

"Then, sleep."

"No, I should start sleeping at night so I shouldn't nap with you."

"All right, you're getting sick of the hospital bed, just say so. I am, for sure."

"Have you been walking?"

"Yeah, Dad and Nurse Mac have teamed up to bully me." Connor sighed. "I don't like it."

"I know."

"I can feel how different I am and how much I'm losing," Connor said. "But, you know, there's going to be a point where I never get out of this stupid bed so, really, I should be running around while I can, right?"

"I can't tell you what to do."

"You can, I just don't have to listen."

Jude managed a grin at that. "Finish your lunch. You need to eat."

"I'm not hungry," Connor protested, pushing the tray away.

"Well, I can't tell you what to do," Jude repeated. He squeezed Connor's hand. "You feeling okay? With Jake and stuff?"

Connor shrugged. "It'll take a little while, I think, for it to sit right with me but it'll be okay."

Jude nodded. "Um, I'm going to get the notebook and try to write something to Callie."

"Okay."

He got the notebook and propped it up against his knees, Connor's warmth heavy against his side. Jude tried not to feel self-conscious about the fact that Connor was reading everything that he wrote to Callie; what could he tell his sister that Connor didn't already know? But, it was a sensitive thing to tell Callie that he was living with two women that were married and their adopted children. It was hard for Jude to think of what she would want to know and what questions to ask that she would actually answer instead of brush over. He was still muddling over it when Connor passed out next to him. He abandoned his letter while Connor slept, instead turning to the mind-numbing activity of practicing the alphabet over and over again. His writing was starting to look less like a child's but it wasn't perfect yet and Jude wasn't so dumb as to think that he was going to be able to avoid the school conversation with Lena for much longer. She was a vice-principal! He just didn't know what to tell her. He didn't know what to admit to. Would Callie get in more or less trouble? He supposed the school thing couldn't work against her, could it?

He didn't know anything and that was the problem but he tried to keep his grumpiness from his face when Connor woke up. Especially once Adam arrived, because Adam was a parent and was genuinely asking Jude how he was doing and if he was all right.

"Yeah, Stef and Lena are great," Jude said. "I think I'll be okay."

"If there's anything you need, just ask," Adam said.

"Thank you, I appreciate that."

The evening passed slowly and Jude didn't have to pick on Connor to eat all of his dinner, because Adam did it for him, though Connor still didn't have it in him to finish the meal. Jude stared at the remains of food on Connor's plate, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. He sat with Adam and Connor, like he always did, until Stef knocked on the door.

"Are you ready to go, Jude?"

Visiting hours were over in another five minutes and, so, he supposed he was ready to go, but he really didn't want to leave Connor's side. There was peace in being here, because Connor made him feel better and because it was the only part of his day that had any normalcy. Sit with Connor, focus his concern on Connor, do some reading or writing, wait for Adam to show up so they could find a movie. He knew this part of his life and it was the only part of his life that he knew.

"See you tomorrow, Jude," Connor murmured.

"See you tomorrow," Jude said softly, and his gaze caught on Connor's face. He didn't want to go; he didn't want to look away. Impulsively, he wrapped his arms around Connor in a tight hug before he shoved his feet in his shoes, grabbed his bag, and followed Stef out the door.

"How was Connor today?" she asked.

"A little worse, honestly," Jude said, even though he hated to say it. He just didn't want to lie to Stef or Lena. If they caught him in a lie, maybe they'd ship him off somewhere else, and Jude would be left with the foster fathers that he had always known, and he knew that he couldn't go back to a house like that if he didn't have Callie. Callie was the only reason he had survived those places in the first place.

"I'm sorry to hear that."

Jude lifted one shoulder in a shrug as he sat in the front seat of Stef's car. "Thank you for picking me up."

"We're happy to. We've always like driving the kids around. Sometimes it brings out the best conversations."

Jude tried not to look over at her in suspicion. Was picking him up supposed to be a trick, then? But, if it was supposed to be a trick, why would she tell him about it? Maybe he was too stupid to figure it out or maybe they weren't trying to manipulate him at all. Maybe, Stef was just trying to talk to him. Connor was right; he needed to trust more than he did but that was something that was easier to think than do.

Stef reached for the radio. "What kind of music do you like?"

"Oh, I don't know," Jude said. He didn't spend a lot of time listening to music. "Upbeat stuff, I guess."

She found something that seemed happy and they listened to it on the drive back to her house. Jude didn't know whether or not to be relieved. On one hand, it meant that he wasn't one on one with Stef anymore. On the other hand, it meant that there would be more people around. He got out of the car and followed Stef up to the front door, plodding in behind her. Immediately, the sound of a petty squabble filled the air. Jude recognized Mariana's voice and then, a male voice that was only the barest bit familiar. Jude had only heard Jesus say a few words on that long ago drive to the hospital and he barely remembered anything about the boy. He'd had bigger things to think about than someone he thought he'd never see again.

He glanced up at Stef but she was just shaking her head at the sounds, as though she fully expected the argument. They took off their shoes and Jude followed her into the kitchen.

"Jesus, do you know Jude?" Stef asked.

Jesus squinted at Jude. "Oh, yeah, I remember the hair."

"He's staying in Brandon's room for the next little while."

"Mom said," Jesus replied. "Anyway, what do you have against Hailey? I'm going to ask her out."

"Don't do it, she's crazy," Mariana said.

"Crazy how?"

"Don't ask her out crazy!"

"You don't get to tell me what to do!"

"Okay," Stef said. "Let's not fight before dinner. Where's Mama?"

"Upstairs. I think Jesus gave her a headache."

Jesus rolled his eyes. "That's _not_ why she's upstairs."

Stef left the three of them alone in the kitchen and Jude stared uncertainly at the twins, unsure of what to do. He shifted from one foot to the other but they were paying him no mind, instead, their arguing had quieted while Mariana made points that just because Jesus thought Hailey was hot, it wasn't a good enough reason to invite a vampire into the house. Jude slipped out of the kitchen and neither of them noticed him and he wondered if that should have stung at him. In the apartment, he and Callie couldn't move without the other one keeping track of why, and he missed that feeling of closeness. He sat down on the living room couch and dug out the letter that he had perfected for Callie. He added: _P.S. I miss you._ He stared down at the page until Stef sat down next to him.

"What's that?"

"Callie said I could write to her." Jude looked up at her. "You're a police officer, you know best. What's really going to happen to her? I know she won't tell me because she's going to want to protect me."

"It's not my case, Jude, and we're not supposed to talk about active investigations anyway _but_ I know there is a lot working against her. There are several charges from why she was arrested – that she may be able to plea down if she gives information on her boss – but, from what I understand, they're now investigating the crime from earlier and I have no idea how that might turn out."

Jude looked down at his hands. "She was just trying to protect me. He was going to kill me. If I say that … will that make a difference? Will that help her?"

"It might," Stef said, "we'll make sure that we know what's going on with Callie so that if there's anyway that we can help her, we will."

"Thank you. You don't have to do that."

"We do. We want you to be safe and happy and we want Callie to be happy too."

"You don't know either of us."

"That's okay," Stef said. "We want to know you. It counts for something."

Jude just nodded.

It had to count for something.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **You Only Need You**_ **by Tom Rosenthal; and** _ **My Boy**_ **by Car Seat Headrest (reader recommended).**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	30. Two Of Clubs

Jude watched the last flakes of his cereal chase each other around the bowl, looking at the envelope that had just been delivered. He wanted to tear it open but he held himself back. He wouldn't be able to read handwriting properly on his own; he would have to wait for Connor for that. But his heart was jumping inside of his chest because Callie had answered his letter so quickly! He hadn't been able to call her again and he was sure that she would steadfastly refuse to let him see her in a juvie centre but the simple fact that he was able to hold something that she'd touched meant something to him again, in this house that Callie had never seen surrounded by things that had nothing to do with him.

"Jude, we need to talk about something."

He felt cornered as Stef and Lena took seats on either side of him and his heart slowly sunk, the cereal he'd eaten turning to cement in his stomach. They were shipping him off; the new foster parents he ended up with weren't going to let him see Connor and they were going to beat him for asking. He wrapped his arms around himself.

"Okay," Jude said. "Let's talk."

He could always run away again, except he'd be so much worse off and anybody would know exactly where to find him: sitting at Connor's bedside. There wouldn't be any point to it.

"We want to talk about school," Lena said. "We have to get you enrolled."

"I won't get to see Connor as much! You promised it would stay the same!" Jude blurted, both because he meant it and because how could he admit to a vice-principal that he could barely read at the age of fifteen?

"You do need to be enrolled. We're just wondering when the last time you went to school was."

Jude stared down at the countertop. "When I was eleven."

It hadn't meant anything. He'd shown up off and on and hadn't bothered to do anything while he was there because he didn't know how. The teachers had reported his laziness and called his foster parents, who would just get angrier and angrier at him for being a dumbass. Until it had all boiled over one night.

"That's a lot of catching up to do," Stef said. Jude didn't have to look up; he could feel the glance that the two of them were exchanging. "Lena and I were talking about a plan because you're a foster kid and you can't not go to school."

"I know the rules," Jude said, feeling glum about it. There shouldn't be rules just for foster kids. Either they should all have rules or none of them should have rules. That was what seemed fair to Jude.

"Lena and I were thinking that she could homeschool you for the rest of the school year and through the summer to see if she can catch you up with your age group for when school starts again in September."

Jude's head flew up and he stared at the woman in front of him. "You'd do that for _me_?" he asked Lena.

"You and Connor can help each other with your homework," she said softly, her hand resting on his shoulder.

Jude looked back down at the counter, feeling the tears well up in his eyes. He could think _don't cry_ all he wanted but it did absolutely nothing to stop the swell of emotion that broke out. They didn't know him! It hadn't even been a _week_ and they were talking about _September_ like it was total normal. Like he might actually be here. Like they might care about him still. And he knew that he was getting this offer because of Connor. He knew that it was because they actually cared and because they had listened to what he was saying and what he had wanted.

"Oh, Jude," Lena murmured. "Would you like a hug?"

He nodded, feeling himself crumbling as they both wrapped their arms around him. He didn't know how to do this. He didn't know how to be loved. He'd never had parents that loved him – he'd never had parent figures that had loved him. His real parents had loved to drink. All of his foster parents had been ambivalent at best toward his well being. Callie had no idea how to be a parent and had done the best she could but anyone who looked at them knew that it hadn't been fair to either of them. Parents? Jude had no experience with that. Stef kissed his temple and Jude's heart jumped because there was no reason that she should have been that nice toward him.

 _Good people,_ he thought. _Good people exist._

"What do you think of that plan?" Lena asked.

"I think it's great," Jude choked out, struggling to take a breath. It shouldn't be so hard. They were talking about school. He shouldn't be scared – of school or them.

"Great. We'll get everything in order and we should be able to start soon!"

"Great," Jude mumbled. He couldn't even pretend to be enthusiastic about it.

Stef squeezed his arm. "Come on. I'll drop you off before I head into work."

"Thank you."

"Did you get enough to eat?" Lena called after him.

"Yes, thank you!"

He felt just comfortable enough to pick the music in Stef's care on the short drive over to the hospital. He thanked her for the drive and jumped out, balancing his bag on his shoulder as he took the familiar route up to Connor's room. He knew something was off immediately. The lights in the room were dimmed, as though it were the dead of night, though Jude knew that the lights were often kept bright for the ease of hospital staff. He poked his head around the doorway, fearing the worst, but there was Connor, looking fast asleep, even though it was too early for his medication to knock him out. Unusually, Adam was seated by Connor's bed. He looked rumpled and definitely worse for wear, his head hiding in his hands.

"Adam?" Jude said, stepping inside. "Is everything all right?"

It wasn't and he knew it wasn't.

"Come in, Jude. You won't wake him. We're still waiting for the drugs to wear off."

"What drugs? What happened?"

Had the end started while Jude wasn't here?

"We thought we were getting a kidney; we thought we had one," Adam said, his voice watery and broken. Jude's stomach hurt just listening to him. "And we were ready and then it turned out that it wasn't a healthy kidney after all and so we couldn't transplant it."

Jude sunk down on the chair next to Connor's bed, not wanting to disturb Connor, though he knew that Connor was dead to the world.

"So, nothing's different," Jude whispered.

Adam shook his head. "No but it's hard. He's going to wake up and he's going to have to hear that it didn't work out."

Jude closed his eyes. He couldn't imagine hearing that but he could imagine how Connor would feel. He knew that it would be hard to keep Connor hopeful after this but he knew they had to. Jude had listened to enough of the nurses talk to know that being hopeful was important; not giving up was important.

"There will be another one, right?" Jude asked. People died every day. How hard could it be to find a match?

"I don't know," Adam said and Jude felt chilled. "One felt like a miracle. A lot of people need kidneys but not a lot of people are kidney donors. I wasn't, until Connor was diagnosed and then I felt too guilty not to be. What do I need my kidneys for if I'm dead? I think I'd even do a live donation, if it spared someone else from feeling this way now."

"Live donation?" Jude repeated.

"It's hard to live with one kidney – a lot of potential health risks, especially as you get older – but it's possible. I think I'd do it."

"Yeah," Jude said, thinking _who wouldn't_ but he knew a lot of people wouldn't. Otherwise, Connor would already have his kidney and might even be successfully fighting off his cancer, since everything else would be working the way it should.

"How's Stef's and Lena's?" Adam asked and Jude could recognize the subject change for what it was, though he didn't know if he was as relieved about it as Adam was. He wanted to understand what was going on with Connor more than he did but if Adam didn't want to keep talking about it, then who was Jude to force him to?

"It's been good. They're good people." Jude knew he sounded awkward; he didn't know what else to say about it. He wasn't sure how much he liked it or how much they liked him but he knew that it was the best possible place for him to be and he was almost completely sure now that they wouldn't hurt him.

"Settling in okay?"

"Yeah."

"How's your sister?"

Jude's heart quickly clenched inside of his chest, thinking of the letter inside of his bag. "Not sure, yet. Stef thinks she's going to have to serve some time no matter what but she thinks that it might be a lesser sentence based on circumstance … but she might just be saying that."

Adam shook his head. "I don't know Stef as well as I know Lena but she is more straightforward than that. If she said it, you can trust that she believes it's a genuine possibility."

Jude looked down at the floor. "Thanks. Hearing that really helps."

"It's important that you're happy and safe."

"Thanks." Jude hugged his knees up to his chest. "How long until he wakes up?"

"Sooner rather than later, now."

"How could they get so far before realizing something's wrong?" Jude blurted, watching Connor's chest rise and fall under his blanket.

"Organs can only live a certain amount of time outside of the human body so moving quickly is important."

Jude nodded, looking up to Connor's face, thinking that all there was now was waiting. Waiting for Connor to wake up, waiting for Connor to get a kidney, waiting for Connor to die. Jude would rather stay here in limbo forever. He knew what to expect from limbo but he knew better; something would have to break eventually. He just wished he knew what something was. He watched Connor until his friend began to move. Adam pressed the nurse's button and sat on the edge of Connor's bed, calling his name. Nurse Mac poked his head in the door and left just as quickly to fetch Connor's doctor. Jude leant forward in his seat but Connor was barely aware of anything by the time Dr. Meyer arrived and Jude left the room when she walked in, as was his practice. He went for a walk around the floor, passing by Jake's older room on his slow wander. He peeked in quickly. There was a girl sitting on the bed now, maybe nine years old with long blonde hair in one braid. Jude hoped that what she had wasn't serious and that she would be out of here soon.

But, what did Jude know? He couldn't help Connor; what use was it hoping for someone else?

Jude let Nurse Mac cut him off in the hallway and then he stuck his hands in his pockets, letting his mind wander for a moment. He remembered Adam lamenting that he wasn't a match for Connor but that Connor's mother _could_ have been. It hadn't occurred to Jude then that a living person could give away an organ and still live. After all, a person couldn't do that with a _heart_ but a kidney was different. It obviously had to be different. He made it back to Connor's room, thinking about the health risks that Adam had briefly mentioned. When he peered in, Dr. Meyer was gone and Adam gestured him in.

"He was asking if you were here."

Connor still looked like he was asleep but when Jude sat down on the mattress, he reached out. Jude held tightly onto him.

"How are you feeling?"

Connor made some sort of unintelligible noise.

"He'll be fuzzy for a while but he'll be all right in the end."

Connor tugged at Jude and Jude let him curl up. He tucked his head down next to Connor's.

"You're okay, you're okay," Jude assured him, even though he knew Connor would think he was a liar. Jude had no way of knowing if Connor could end up find. In this moment, though, Jude felt like he really meant it. Connor right here, right now, was fine. One bad thing had already happened to Connor today. He knew it wasn't how the world worked but Jude hoped that meant that it would be fine, at least for a little while. They needed a moment to breathe.

"Jude."

"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." As had already been proving, nothing was getting Jude to move from Connor's side. "Adam, he's shivering."

"Okay, I'll go and find another blanket." He leant over Connor. "I'll be back in five minutes. Jude's right here if you feel sick or anything. You're not alone."

Connor half-nodded, his head moving around like it was a disoriented fish. Jude watched Adam leave and then he hugged Connor close, feeling him shake. He didn't know what else to say to Connor and so he just wrapped both arms around him. Connor's fingers grabbed at the sides of Jude's shirt but there was no strength behind it.

"I'm sorry," Jude whispered.

"Don't wanna die," Connor said.

"I know. I know. You're not going to. I told you I'd save you, remember?"

Connor's head tilted back and his gaze definitely wasn't as clear as it normally was. Their faces were close together and Jude could feel the soft exhale of his breath. Jude's heart thudded loudly in his chest and all that he could think, looking down at Connor's face, was that he loved him too much to let him die and he had to find something.

"I wish I knew you before."

"That's okay. You know me now and I'm not going anywhere." He was in love. He knew he was in love. Nothing could uproot him from Connor's side.

Connor's eyes closed. He reached one hand up and touched Jude's jaw. "Talk."

"About what?" Connor tapped his jaw again before his hand fell down against Jude's side. "Okay, um, well, I got a letter from Callie today. I haven't opened it yet. I thought I'd wait for you to help me read it but maybe I should try to muddle through it myself. I should prove that you've taught me something. I haven't really seen a lot of Callie's writing before, though, so I don't know how hard it is to read. It can't be harder than yours, though, you write really small. I guess those sticky notes are small too."

Jude stopped his musing as Adam came back in, holding another blanket. He spread it over Connor and Jude.

"Hopefully that feels better," Adam said. "Connor, would you like the TV on for a distraction or is that going to bother you?"

"TV," Connor muttered.

"Probably better than us staring at him and hoping he feels better soon," Jude said and Connor nodded, pulling the blanket up further around his shoulders.

Connor's hand kept holding onto his under the blanket. Even though there was a movie on now, Jude knew that he and Adam were still mostly watching Connor as he blinked his way into being a little more conscious and alert. Jude watched him carefully when his lunch came in but he barely touched it, but Adam didn't even nag Connor like he did at normal mealtimes and that made Jude more concerned. He knew it was a big deal but he hated feeling like it was such a big deal. He hated the caged in feeling that came along with watching Connor's health. Jude kept glancing down at Connor and most of the time, Connor was blearily staring back at him. Jude kept thinking of the day that Connor asked him: _what if you can only take with you the things that you remember perfectly?_ And Jude's heart just kept hurting.

Time seemed at a standstill and Jude was completely startled when Lena knocked on the door.

"Jude? Ready to go?"

"No!" Connor cried and his arms tightened around Jude with more grip than Jude had felt in weeks. "No, don't go."

"Visiting hours are almost over," Adam said. "Jude will be back tomorrow."

"No," Connor whimpered, pulling at Jude, and Jude fell back into Connor. He couldn't make himself stand up and pull away from him. "Let Jude stay."

Jude hugged Connor back and looked up at Lena. "Please?"

"I don't even know if you're allowed," Lena said. "Adam?"

"I can talk to a someone, see if it's all right, but he's your foster son, so, you need to okay it too."

Jude looked over at Lena and she let out a little sigh. "Jude, can I talk to you outside for a moment?"

"I'll be back," Jude promised Connor. "Two seconds, okay?"

"Okay."

Lena pulled the hospital door closed most of the way so that Connor could eavesdrop, though Jude was sure that he was probably trying to do so.

"Please?" Jude asked. "He's never asked me to stay before and it's been a really bad day."

"Bad days are going to become more common, Jude. I don't want to keep you and Connor apart but it's not healthy for you to stay here all day and all night all the time."

"No, you don't understand. He almost got his kidney this morning but it didn't work out, that's why he's so hurt. I know it's going to get bad and I can't promise I'm not going to ask for this again, but it's important tonight. It's not a regular bad day."

Lena's face was incredibly easy to read and Jude knew that he had her sympathy.

"Okay, here's what we're going to do: you're going to come with me now, have dinner with us, and pack a small bag. Adam will see if it's all right for you to stay and call us. If it's okay, we'll bring you back. If it's not, you can have the phone tonight to call Connor. What do you think?"

"I think it's really fair," Jude said, though he knew how clingy Connor was and he didn't know if his friend would find it as a fair. "Thanks, Lena."

"I've never seen a friend go through this," Lena admitted to him. "And I can't imagine it seeing it happen so young but I want you to know that we're here for you and we want what's best for you."

"I know." Jude hugged one arm around himself. "I … I think I feel that. Thank you."

"Let's go in and talk to Connor."

Jude nodded and popped back into the room. Adam and Connor were both sitting on Connor's bed, looking like they were in a serious conversation, though Connor seemed uncomfortable because he looked up with relief on his face when Jude and Lena stepped back into the room. Jude explained what Lena had said and, just like he had predicted, Connor made a small face.

"No matter what, I'll be here as soon as I can tomorrow." He squeezed Connor's hand. "I'll see you soon."

"Promise."

"Promise," Jude said. "It'll be okay and tomorrow won't be as bad."

"You don't know that."

"I'll bet on it."

"Yeah? How much?"

"A chapter," Jude said. "A full chapter, all at once."

"You haven't read to me enough lately," Connor agreed. "Okay, but what if you win?"

"You do my homework for me when I get it."

"Jude," Lena said warningly, and he blushed. He'd forgotten that other people could hear them.

" _Some_. One worksheet." He glanced over his shoulder at Lena but she looked more amused than anything so he decided not to worry about it.

"Okay." Connor hugged him tightly. "Come back soon."

"That's not up to me."

"I know," Connor said. "But, _when_ you come back, I'll help you with that letter. I'm feeling okay enough, now."

"You don't have to."

"I want to, Jude."

"Thank you," Jude whispered and then they reluctantly let go of one another.

Jude walked with Lena out to the car.

"We're having salmon for dinner," she said, making small talk on the drive. "Do you like it?"

"I like … almost everything, I think," Jude said. "Just not a fan of fast food."

"You told me your house had a lot of fast food."

"That was true."

"What about your parents?"

"Um, I don't have them. I mean, I guess I have a dad somewhere but Callie always told me that he killed our mom in a drunk driving accident and he went to jail, that's why we were in the system. Then, we had a whole bunch of bad foster parents and no one ever seemed to like me or Callie, really, so we got handed around until the last home."

"I'm sorry all that happened to you."

Jude shrugged, staring straight ahead. He could recognize the start of Stef's and Lena's street now. "No one can change anything now."

Lena parked in the driveway and Jude slipped out of the car. He padded up to the front door and the smell of good food filled the air. His stomach grumbled; he hadn't even realized that he was so hungry. He took off his shoes and headed upstairs immediately, going into his borrowed room. He put his bag down and immediately filled it with a change of clothes, his deodorant, and his toothbrush. He didn't think he'd need anything else overnight. He left the bag in his room and went back downstairs.

"Hi, Jude, how was your day?" Stef asked.

"Um, I was okay but it was a bad day for Connor so … not really a great day overall," Jude rambled.

"Lena already told me about the kidney. She said you might go back and spend the night."

"Hopefully. He really wanted me to stay and I want to spend the time with him." Jude sat on the stool. "Do you need help with anything?"

If he was staying in their house, he should offer.

"You can help us set the table," Stef said. "Thanks for offering."

Jude knew where most of the utensils and dishes were now and he clumsily navigated around Stef as she checked the temperature on the fish. He had the table mostly set by the time that Lena came downstairs, changed out of her work clothes and herding Jesus in front of her. He was complaining about one of the teachers at school.

"Mom told me you're homeschooling Jude. Can I get in on that?"

"You'd get bored and sick of me," Lena said. "And it's just a temporary arrangement."

"I'd be a good student!" Jesus insisted, grabbing a glass.

"Be a good student to the teachers you have," Lena recommended.

Jesus snorted. "Oh, but where's the fun in that?"

"You're not going to convince her," Stef said.

"I can try," Jesus said, and they all took their seats around the table. "You wouldn't do this for me, Mom?"

"You leave Mr. Gunther alone," Lena said. "It's his first year and he needs a little sympathy."

"He shouldn't be a teacher."

"Jesus," Lena warned.

"In my professional opinion."

"And what profession is that?" Stef asked.

"Professional student," Jesus responded and Jude smiled at the small joke. "I have years of knowledge and experience. I need a raise."

Lena laughed at him too. "Give him a chance. Everyone's first year is that hardest."

"And how is that fair to students?"

"Patience is a virtue," Lena said.

"Jude, do you have enough vegetables?" Stef asked, cutting underneath of their conversation.

"Yeah, I think so."

"Speak now or Jesus will inhale," Lena warned him.

"It's true," Jesus said.

"I'm good, really."

Jude shifted uncomfortably on the chair, though the dining room chairs were comfortable. He didn't know how to fit himself into the family discussions over dinner because, clearly, there was such a pattern to them. When both Mariana and Jesus were home for dinner, it was easy to just listen to the two of them, but it was rare that they were both home on the same night. Jude didn't have any idea how the two of them were so busy. Mariana, especially, seemed to do a little bit of everything and Jude had to wonder if she slept or if the hundred projects she always seemed to talk about kept her too busy to do so. He'd certainly never seen her asleep; the few times that he had crept to the bathroom in the middle of the night, the light in her room had been visible under the door.

"Speaking of school," Lena said, "Jude, I have some placement tests for you to take before we order the homeschooling materials. I need to know what grade level you're at."

"Okay."

"These aren't the worksheets to cash in for your bet."

"Technically, I won't win that until tomorrow is over," Jude said, trying to keep his expression neutral. It was only a matter of time before she found out how stupid he was and he wondered what she would say to him then. He wondered if she would give up on him, then.

"Then, try and get them done tomorrow," Lena said brightly.

Jude picked at his fish, forcing himself to eat everything on his plate. He couldn't waste food and he knew he needed to eat. When dinner was finished, he anxiously waited for Lena to look at her phone. It was a rule they had – no cell phones at the dinner table. The buzzers were even turned off, so Jude didn't even know if she had received any messages while they ate. He helped Jesus clear the table, Jesus's phone in his hand. He knew that Stef and Lena were checking their phones now too. He heard their voices murmur in the next room and he thought that he heard his name. Adam must have texted Lena. He hesitantly crept into the dining room again.

"Stef will drive you back to the hospital if you still want to go," Lena said. "Adam said that it was okay with the hospital and you can have the cot that he normally sleeps on. You'll have to be on best behaviour – it's a special arrangement, just for the night."

"Thank you," Jude breathed in relief.

"Go and pack some things and we'll go."

"I'm already packed," Jude admitted.

"Then go get your bag," she said with a grin.

Jude hurried up the stairs and picked up his backpack. He thudded back down the steps and pulled his shoes on. While Stef was getting her shoes on, Lena handed him a folder.

"In case you have time to start working on it, if not, we'll go through it when you get home tomorrow."

"Okay," Jude said, scared to even glance at the contents. Instead, he slid it in his bag.

He secured his bag back over his shoulder. By then, Stef was ready and he was back in the driveway before he knew it.

"You can always call if you need anything else or if you want to be picked up early. Hospitals are hard to sleep in."

"Have you been in the hospital before?" Jude asked, deflecting. He wouldn't want to be picked up early. He had promised Connor that he would be there.

"Yes. I had a bad altercation with a suspect once and I ended up in the hospital for several days. It gave Lena and I both quite a scare – this was only about a year or two ago. It was what finally got me to propose to her, though." Stef laughed at the memory. "We had been together for too long. Lena wanted to be married but I didn't see what a difference it would make. Hospitals put things in perspective."

"Yeah," Jude said. "There's too much to see and too much time to think. Connor had a friend there that died not that long ago and it scared me because it was fast. It screws you up."

"It does," Stef agreed and Jude was glad that she left it that. He knew how he felt; he didn't need an adult to explain it back to him. The fact that she just accepted how he felt was more than enough. She pulled up in front of the hospital. "You have everything you need?"

"Yes."

"We're not that far away."

"I know. Thank you."

"Call us when you wake up in the morning. Have a good night, Jude."

"I will. You too."

He closed the car door behind him and headed inside. The smell of hospital didn't even overwhelm him or catch his attention anymore. He was too used to the smell of it. He got into the elevator, noticing the little hitch it had every time that it passed floor three. He didn't know when he had gotten used to the details of the place but somehow, they had become engrained in his every day. He wondered, when he never had to come back to the hospital again, if he would still remember. He thought that he would. He thought that there were some things that a person couldn't forget. Like how pale Connor was but how happy he managed to look when Jude walked back into the room.

"I told you that you'd come back."

"Where's your dad?"

"In the cafeteria." Connor struggled to sit up.

"Don't bother," Jude said. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired. A little dizzy and a little nauseous but I don't think that I'm going to throw up."

"Right now," Jude said. "Did you eat supper?"

"What I could. Dad wants me to eat more but I can't. I just don't want it."

Jude took his place on the bed, feeling like he had never left. Connor's head rested down on his shoulder.

"I'm glad you're here."

"I'm glad I'm here too. Do you still feel okay enough to help me with my letter?"

"Of course."

Jude pulled the letter out of his bag, feeling bad that he had to dislodge Connor again so quickly after they had gotten comfortable. He pulled the envelope out of the bag and carefully opened it. It was a one page note, the lines full of Callie's loopy writing. Some of her letters bunched close together, some of them even looked like the same letter, and Jude knew that he couldn't have read through it on his own.

"I'm going to try and read it and you correct me when I'm wrong, just like normal."

Connor nodded and Jude cleared his throat.

" _Dear Jude,_

 _"I want you to be safe. I jess –"_

"Guess."

 _"I guess if you're safe there, then that's what matters. Be a butter …_ No, wait, that doesn't make sense."

"That's an 'E'," Connor said, pointing down at the page.

"Oh, so it's 'better'," Jude said, and Connor nodded. _"Better judge of char –_ "

"That's not a 'ch' sound."

"But it's a 'ch'!"

"I know."

"Language is stupid," Jude grumbled. "Okay, then what is it?"

"Character."

"There doesn't need to be an 'h' in that word."

"Probably not," Connor agreed.

"Does the word 'care' have an 'h' in it?"

"No."

"See, stupid." Jude looked back down at his letter. " _Judge of character than I was. I know I can't help you from in here and that's what sucks the most. I can't protect you anymore. If they're good people, that's what matters and if they treat you okay, do what you can to stay with them. Be who they want you to be if it keeps you safe._

 _"I'm okay too. It's cold here and the food sucks but there's no burgers. I see my lawyer a lot but I don't know what's going to happen and I don't want to …_ What's that?"

"Jinx," Connor said quietly.

" _Jinx it by telling you anything. I want to get out of here soon. The next time you can call me is Tuesday morning. I want you to call. I love you. Callie_."

Jude stared down at the page, feeling like he wanted to cry but feeling like he _couldn't_ cry. There was still some part of him that didn't really _believe_ that Callie was that far gone from him; that she was in a detention centre, in a world that he didn't understand and that he wished she didn't. He didn't know what else to think or say to her. He had so seamlessly shared almost every detail of his life with her for so long; she had been his every day for so long. Sometimes, when he woke up, he was still stumped by Brandon's bedroom, because it wasn't the bleak, dirty walls that part of him almost missed, in a crazy way.

"You okay, Jude?"

"It's weird, to write to her, to have to make appointments and times to talk to her. She's my sister, she's supposed to be right there! I really want to see her! Even if I could convince Stef or Lena to just take me down there, I know she wouldn't see me. Even if she wanted to, even if I was right there. She's that stubborn that she might just say no because it wasn't her idea."

"So, that's a family trait."

"I never say no to you!" Jude pointed out.

"Yeah but that doesn't mean you're not stubborn. It just means I'm more annoying than you are stubborn."

"You're not annoying." _You're hot, you're funny, your eyes are stupid and convincing_.

"Then what am I?"

"A kid with a really good sob story."

"You gave into me before you knew the sob story," Connor said. "It's almost like we're friends or something."

 _Or something_ , Jude thought sarcastically. "Well, you lucked out with me."

Connor laughed. "I know, I know. Are you going to write back?"

Jude looked down at the page. "Yeah but I'm not sure what I want to say yet. She didn't ask me any questions or anything and I don't know what to tell her. I have to say something important or interesting."

"Just write her anything. If you used to tell her about your day, that's probably all she wants to hear."

Jude ran his thumb over the thin page. "You might be right."

"Might," Jude said but there wasn't as much punch in the tone as he wanted there to be. Connor definitely had a point – one that Jude had never really thought about.

He looked up as Adam came into the room.

"Jude, you're back."

Jude nodded as Connor snuggled into his arm, hiding his face away from his father. Jude looked down at him curiously, wondering what had happened in the hour and a half he'd been gone.

"They'll bring a cot in for you to sleep in and put it out of the way, just in case something happens during the night."

Jude didn't want to think about something happening to Connor in the middle of the night.

"I won't stay tonight if you've got Jude," Adam said. "I'll see you tomorrow, before work, okay?"

"Okay. Bye, Dad."

"I love you."

"Love you too."

Adam left the two of them alone and Connor slipped down the bed, his head leaning back against the pillows.

"What time do you go to sleep?"

"Early. They get me up early and medication has to come on a regular schedule so it's probably going to be annoying for you but I'm really glad you're here."

"Do you want to talk about this morning? About the kidney."

"I don't have a new kidney. I thought it was happening." Connor let go of Jude and held his own hands in his lap, staring down at them. "I thought, for a moment, that I really was gonna get to live. How many chances do people really get? My chance was blown for me. I'm cursed, Jude, I have to be."

"You'll get another chance."

"One chance was a big deal." Connor looked up at him. "I don't know how to make you see how big of a deal. A match is hard to find and it's probably not going to happen again."

"You have to think it will. You can't just sit around waiting to die."

"I can't sit around and wait to live, either!" Tears brimmed in Connor's eyes. "I say that but I did all homework. Even the calc. Last night, after you left, but before bed. Dad didn't even tell me to."

"Oh," Jude said, unsure of what to say to that. What could he say? He didn't know how to help Connor and that frustrated him because he was here to help Connor. It was what he wanted to do. "You don't know what's going to happen."

"I just want it to happen. I just hate sitting here, getting worse with no way to help myself."

"Maybe something will happen, something good. Maybe they'll fix you."

Connor shook his head slightly and then he looked up at Jude. "Sorry. I'm making you sad."

It all made Jude sad. The fact that he and Connor couldn't get hot chocolate or sit on the beach or walk around like they did in the short time they'd had before the hospital made Jude sad. The fact that he knew the way Connor gripped him in pain versus just held onto him or he knew how Connor sounded when he threw up or how Connor's eyes clouded when he was on his medication made Jude sad. The fact that Connor was fifteen and Adam was just hoping that he turned sixteen while Jude hoped that Connor was still in the room when he walked in every morning and there was nothing that anybody could do to fix him made Jude sad. Jude would rather be sad and be sitting with him because he knew that it was likely there would be a time when he would be sad without him and that was absolutely going to be worse.

"It's okay. I'm here to listen. That's what friends are for."

Connor let go of his own hand and picked Jude's up again. He closed his eyes and settled his head down against Jude.

"Lena gave me placement tests so that she would know what grade level materials to order for me for school."

Connor let out a single chuckle. "This will prove that you're smarter than a kindergartener."

"Yeah but maybe not a first grader," Jude snorted. "I know I have to but I'm worried she's going to think I'm too stupid to help."

"You're not stupid. You learn quickly and she's going to love that. Ms. Adams is the type of teacher that actually does just want to see you trying, even if you fail sometimes along the way. She will push you, which can get kind of annoying, especially when you actually feel like it's something that you can't do but I know she's going to help you."

"I don't want to be stupid."

"It's not your fault you don't know this stuff, right?"

"No, not really," Jude had to admit. "I just don't want to tell anyone. Callie doesn't even know."

"You told me."

"Yeah, well, you bullied it out of me."

"I did not!"

"Read the book, Jude, it's a great book, Jude, borrow my book, Jude."

"I didn't say any of that," Connor said. "I barely knew you! I just wanted to share the book!"

"You're as bad as those street preachers, shoving that thing down everyone's throat," Jude grumbled.

"No, just you, but I knew you'd like it and I knew you'd really understand it."

"I'm not finished yet."

"I know," Connor said. "Will you read to me now?"

Jude could only agree to the simple request and he dug the book out of his bag. He lined the pens and sticky notes and dictionary along Connor's bedside tray but, more often that not now, Connor had Jude write his own words down on the sticky notes. Jude couldn't say for sure if it was part of Connor's plan to teach him how to write or if it was because Connor couldn't make himself do it anymore. Jude could see a difference in how shaky Connor's writing could get at times and, so, he tended toward the latter. He spread the book out on his lap and picked up where they left off, pausing every so often so Connor could parrot the words back to him. Jude knew that he wanted to get it memorized. He read until it was time for bed and he changed into his pyjamas in the bathroom while the nurse was with Connor. He slipped back out into the main room to find that the lights had been dimmed, though it wasn't completely dark. There was a strange feel to being in a hospital at night; everything was hushed. Jude sat on the edge of Connor's bed, watching Connor fiddle with the brim of his hat. He waited patiently until Connor sighed and admitted, "I don't sleep with it on."

"Then, take it off."

"You'll see my head."

"I've seen your head."

"When I was really sick," Connor protested. "I didn't care about anything then!"

"Come on, it's just me," Jude said. "You don't have to hide anything from me … anymore."

"That was a cheap shot."

"Maybe. You're going to pass out soon anyway and I'll just have to pull it off of you so you don't get an itchy head while you sleep."

"So, you're saying it's just easier for you if I take my hat off now."

"One less thing for me to worry about. You don't want me to worry, right?"

"That was definitely a cheap shot."

"Yeah, it was," Jude admitted.

Connor shook his head and then yanked the blue toque off, folding it in half and sitting it on his bedside table. Jude tried to keep his eyes firmly on Connor's face to keep Connor from being too self-conscious but staring at Connor's face held its own pitfalls for Jude; he kept getting distracted by Connor's lips.

"Will you read to me until I fall asleep?"

"Okay," Jude agreed. "It's what I'm here for."

"I'm really glad you're here."

"I'm really glad I'm here too."

Jude opened the book and fought to make himself comfortable, since the bed was now lying down instead of sitting up. He ended up having to retrieve the extra pillows from the cot and propped himself up. He held the book up to his face, starting to read. It took less than half the chapter for Connor to fall asleep, his head resting against Jude. Connor was so wrapped around him that Jude felt bad for moving, even though he knew that there was a good chance that Connor wouldn't wake up. Besides, he reasoned, if it was a normal sleepover and he was spending the night at Connor's, they would be sharing a bed anyway. Connor's bed was bigger than the hospital bed and it kept the two of them close together. Jude could hardly begin to complain about that. He slid the book onto the bedside table and tucked himself back down against Connor. Despite the odd sounds of the hospital, Jude was able to fall asleep, feeling secure for once.

(-.-)

Connor looked down at Jude, still asleep. He was surprised that Jude hadn't woken, even as the hospital started to brighten and more sounds were coming from the hallway. He didn't think of Jude as a heavy sleeper and he wondered if Jude had trouble getting to sleep. He looked down at his best friend and he couldn't help himself – he smoothed the blue strands off Jude's forehead, wishing that he could touch him more, wishing that he could kiss him. He wished he could kiss his lips or his forehead or any part of him. The thoughts were surprisingly mushy but when it came to Jude, none of Connor's thoughts surprised him anymore. He looked over Jude's head, to where his copy of _To Kill A Mockingbird_ rested. Moving carefully, he picked up the book and one of the pens they had left sitting there overnight.

Connor turned to the back page of the book. There were no extra pages; just the blank back of the last page and the blank side of the back cover. It wasn't a lot of room but Connor would take it. He knew that Jude wasn't going to read fast enough to get to the end of the book before he died and his fingers started shaking at the thought of it. He took a deep breath and put the pen to the paper. He had to write a goodbye to Jude but he didn't know how to say it. He just wanted Jude to have something written down – not spoken words that he had to try to remember.

 _Jude,_

 _Thank you for being the best friend anyone's ever had. Thank you for all of the time that you spent with me and thank you for all the good memories. You made my last days a lot better than they could have been. I know you're going to do a lot of amazing things when you grow up. You're smart and funny and anyone who knows you is lucky. Don't doubt yourself anymore! If there's an afterlife, I'll remember you. Even if there's not, I think I'll remember you anyway. You'll always be my best friend and I love you for that._

 _Miss you always,_

 _Connor._

Connor stared down at the page, wondering if it was enough or if there was more that he should say. But he didn't want to overwrite. He didn't want the things that he really wanted Jude to know to get lost in a mess of words. Short and sweet was the way to go. He carefully put things back the way that they had been, though he doubted that Jude was paying enough attention to notice that the book had shifted the smallest bit. Jude didn't look like he was about to wake up any time soon and so Connor picked up his mother's copy of the book. He didn't open it to read it; he just let the pages blur together, looking at his comments and the words that had been underlined. If he said goodbye to Jude, he should leave his father something better. He thought of Jake, spending time to put a speech together for his mother. Whatever he said to Adam, needed to be perfect and he knew that. He and Adam had fought too much since his mother had died for Connor to offer him anything less than perfect.

He turned to the last page of the book, reading the last line. _He would be there all night, and he would be there when Jem waked up in the morning_. He didn't know what he was expecting to find in the words. He didn't know what they had expected to say. Connor had read and finished the book at least a dozen different times and had read those words in many different moods. Maybe it was because had skipped chapters to get here and still needed to do more reading but he didn't find what he was looking for in the book.

Finally, Jude stretched. Connor glanced down as his friend stretched out and yawned, finally opening his dark eyes and squinting up at Connor.

"You put your hat back on."

"That shouldn't surprise you."

"I guess it doesn't." Jude sat up and stretched again. "Morning."

"Morning."

Connor fiercely wished that they were home, waking up in his room, so that they could go downstairs and make French toast while Jelly begged for scraps she wasn't allowed to have. He missed his normal. He missed his cat. He missed everything that existed outside of his hospital room.

"How'd you sleep?" Connor asked.

"Better than expected," Jude said. "I thought sounds would keep me up all night."

"They didn't?"

"No," Jude said. "I think I slept better than I have in Brandon's bed. I still kind of feel like an intruder there. How do you feel?"

"Okay. No better, no worse."

"Good news, I guess," Jude mused. "Um, I told Stef I'd call when I woke up."

"Okay."

Jude picked up the phone and carefully dialled the phone number. He perched on Connor's bed.

"Hi, it's Jude … Yeah, Connor and I both are awake … Um, no, it was okay. Nothing happened … Yeah, that would be okay … Right … All right. I'll see you soon … Bye, Stef."

"You're leaving," Connor guessed.

"Yeah. They want me to come back and eat breakfast and shower and stuff. I'll be back later, for real visiting hours."

"We'll answer Callie's letter."

Jude smiled. "Thanks. I'll need help."

"Less than you might think."

"Lena's probably going to make me take those tests this morning," Jude groaned. "What do I do? What do I say?"

"Do your best. Tell her the truth. Ms. Adams is really understanding. And she's, like, your parent now."

"Is your dad always super understanding?"

"Dad's not Ms. Adams," Connor said. "He understands himself."

Jude let out a laugh. "Okay, I should put clothes on. She said it wouldn't take long."

Connor watched Jude walk into the bathroom, feeling strangely lonely as Jude shut the door behind him. He knew that it wasn't fair and that he couldn't always keep Jude with him but he wanted to. He tried not to look like he was sulking as Jude popped back out and packed up his bag.

"See you later."

"Bye, Jude."

"Bye."

Connor watched his friend walk out the door and he flopped his head back against his pillow, feeling lost.

(-.-)

Jude finished his tests and handed them over to Lena, who was sitting at the other end of her dining room table.

"I don't know anymore," he admitted weakly.

"Well, that's okay. These are just placement tests, you don't need to know everything."

"I … don't know anything," Jude said before she could even look at the tests. "I don't. My reading sucks and my writing is worse and math and every other subject is really far over my head."

"Honey –"

"I don't want you to think I'm stupid!" Jude blurted, his fears bubbling over. "But I feel stupid. I had a foster father that used to hit me and wasn't good at hiding it so he kept me at home a lot and by the time Callie and I were moved out of the home, I was too far behind so I didn't learn anything new and then we had to run away and I … Connor taught me how to read in September."

Lena placed her hands flat over the papers. "Oh, Jude –"

"And he taught me how to write too," Jude said. "So, he can't die because he needs to get me through school."

Lena quickly left her chair to crouch next to him. Jude hid his face away in his hands, too embarrassed by his outburst to even glance at her.

"Jude, honey, it's okay. You're here now and we're going to get you all of the help that you need. You don't need to be ashamed of not knowing something. Everyone's learning is different. And, as for Connor, what will happen will happen, as hard as that is to hear. You'll always have the things that he taught you and you have to use the things he taught you and keep him close."

Jude closed his eyes.

"What can I do to help?"

Jude just shook his head. "I don't know. I … don't want to sit here anymore."

"Do you want to go for a walk or a drive?" Lena asked. "Do you want to get out of here?"

"Can I go sit by myself? Actually, I want to look something up … Do you have a computer?"

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it more?"

"Totally sure. I mean, you're going to bring it up again later so I'd rather just wait for later."

"Okay. I'm right here if you change your mind."

Jude took her laptop to the living room and sat down on the couch with it. He opened the search engine and stared down at the keyboard and then he typed in _kidney donations._ He clicked on the first link that came up and found a tab asking _Thinking Of Becoming A Living Donor?_ He clicked on that too and felt the need to glance over his shoulder to make sure that no one was reading over his shoulder. He felt like he was trespassing on something by looking at the page. He found a page describing who _could_ be a donor and found himself squinting at the computer screen. It was so march harder to read off the bright screen than it was to read off the pages of Connor's book. He forced himself to read on, feeling like he had to know. Most of the donors in the state were over eighteen but there was a handful of donors that were under that age and Jude's stomach twisted as he looked at all the other requirements. Donors needed to be in good health, donors needed to go through medical screening and a psychiatric screening. Jude had to look up what psychiatric was and then decided that it made sense to have one of those too.

Jude stared at the screen and his stomach twisted as he thought: _I could give a kidney._

He started again with a new search: _how to know if you're a kidney match_. The first one was a blood test, which seemed simple and harmless. The next step was tissue typing and Jude squeezed the skin of his arm as he looked down at the explanation, trying to keep his head from swimming. It told him that unrelated donors were unlikely to be a match but he also knew that it was Connor's only chance. Blood relatives couldn't be the only people to give kidneys, otherwise there would be no point to all of the research that he had in front of him. The site he was looking at didn't tell him how it was done and he had to go on another search to see what it involved and, as far as Jude could tell, it was just more blood stuff. And, then, the following one was yet another type of blood test. It didn't seem so scary to get tested.

He went back to his original page, looking again at all the medical tests he would have to go through to even be considered a donor, let alone seeing if he could give a kidney to Connor. Even if he wasn't a match for Connor, Jude thought that he should do it anyway. It was like Adam said – it was about trying to keep someone else from feeling the way that they felt now. He moved onto the tab about after risks.

The first thing the page did was warn him about the risks of anesthesia and Jude decided to worry about how to pronounce that later. He pinched his stomach reading the quick paragraph about the surgery and that was when he realized he had no idea where, exactly, his kidneys were in his chest. He supposed he didn't have to. The doctor would know. That wasn't going to be a quiz question on his evaluation. Or was it? Jude's head swam and he jumped down to the list of surgical complications. It wasn't a long list, which left Jude hopeful, until he actually read the words: _pain, infection, blood loss (requiring transfusions), blood clots, allergic reactions to anesthesia, pneumonia, injury to surrounding tissue or other organs, and even death._ It went on to say that the leftover kidney would get bigger and that people who only had one had a greater risk of high blood pressure, proteinuria, reduced kidney function, and the chance that their own kidney function could go in the remaining one.

Jude breathed an audible sigh of relief that the next line explained that ninety five percent of donors had no complications. Ninety-five was a lot!

The last bit of the page talked about the psychological symptoms. It warned him that if the donated organ failed in the recipient, it could lead to mental issues, as could any medical problems for either of them after surgery. It warned of scarring and body image issues. Donors could be at risk for feelings of regret, resentment, or anger, and have issues with anxiety or depression.

Jude read and reread the pages and then he closed the page and shut his laptop. None of it mattered if he wasn't a match. He heard the front door open and Stef and Mariana let themselves back into the house, carrying groceries and calling out for Lena. Mariana was out almost as soon as she was in and Jude knew that he had to take advantage of being alone with Stef and Lena. Connor was expecting him back at the hospital in just an hour. He got up from the couch, surprised to find that his legs were shaking and he felt like he couldn't stand up right. He took a deep breath and looked down at the laptop. He wasn't afraid of what he was thinking about; he was afraid of what Stef and Lena were going to say about it.

He poked his head around the kitchen doorway where Stef and Lena were putting the groceries away. He stepped fully into the kitchen and Lena glanced over her shoulder.

"Jude, I'm almost finished with the grading."

"Okay. Um, there's something I want to talk to you about."

"Anything," Stef said.

"It's important."

Something must have been in his tone. They both turned toward him.

"What is it? Is something okay?" Lena asked.

"I want to get tested to see if I can be a kidney donor for Connor."

"Oh, Jude, that's a very noble thought but –"

"I did the research," Jude blurted, interrupting Stef. "Getting tested won't hurt me. I need to know. It's going to drive me crazy forever if I don't know whether or not I am! Please, say yes. Please?"

"Love, it's not about us saying 'yes'." Stef looked over at Lena and then guided him into one of the island stools. They surrounded him on either side but it didn't feel suffocating. "You're our foster son and, unfortunately, that makes a difference. We need to make sure that we can say yes."

"And, we need to look really seriously at what getting tested entails and what going through something like that is like. Jude, it's a very real possibility that even if you are a match, you might not be able to donate. You're fifteen and a foster child."

"They're not going to let Connor die because of that." Jude stared into Lena's eyes, wanting to see something other than doubt. He looked away from her and into Stef's eyes. "Are they?"

"One bridge at a time. We'll see if you can even get tested."

Jude nodded, unable to say anything. "I'm allowed to call Callie on Tuesday."

"There's no way we'll forget," Stef promised. "We'll see if we can convince her to let us go see her."

 _Us. We_. Jude didn't feel so alone when they talked like that and it was a comfort.

"I'm going to go see Connor now. Um, I don't want to tell him that I'm doing this until I know whether or not it works. You won't tell him, will you, Lena?"

"No, of course not," Lena promised. "Would you like a drive?"

"No. I feel kind of antsy. I'd like to walk."

"We'll come pick you up at the normal time, then."

"Thanks."

Jude put on his jacket and slung his bag over his shoulder and headed out the front door. He let the late January breeze sweep across his face and he tugged his hood up over his hair. He took a deep breath, feeling his thoughts swirling together until he wasn't thinking of anything at all, just completely zoning out. Arriving at the hospital was a surprise; he hadn't realized he had been walking that long or that fast. He headed back up to Connor's room. Walking into the room, he felt like no time had passed at all, but it was a common feeling when he was back in Connor's room.

"Hey."

"Hey. How was home?"

"Fine, boring."

Connor nodded and then turned his head toward the window. "I want to go home."

"Maybe you will, soon."

"Can I tell you a secret, Jude?"

"Sure."

"I've been thinking about asking my dad to let me go home, you know, when I get sicker and be there instead of dying here."

"You're not going to die."

"You can keep saying that –"

" – and I will."

"I can't stop you," Connor said.

"You seem awake."

"Pain drugs. The happy kind, not the make-me-dead-and-sleepy kind."

"Ah."

"I can still help you with the letter, if you're ready to write it."

Jude took the notebook out of his bag and sat down on Connor's bed, turning to a fresh page in the notebook.

"Yeah, I'm ready."

He had to be.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **The Greatest Story Ever Told**_ **by Oliver James; and** _ **Heart**_ **by The Pretty Reckless.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	31. Ace Of Spades

"Please, Callie."

"No, Jude. It's not worth it for you to see me like this. I don't want you to!"

"And, so, what? Me seeing you for the last time in the hospital is what you want me to remember?"

"That's really not fair," Callie said, and Jude could picture the stern way her eyebrows would draw together as she said it.

"Isn't it? How long are you going to tell me 'no' for? Until you're sentenced? What if I'm not able to come see you? Don't you want to see me?"

"It's not that I don't want to see you. I don't want you to know me like this. I don't want to know me like this. I don't want you to see this place or how I'm living."

"I just want to see you. You're what matters. Please?"

"No, Jude, I don't want to. Let's not spend all of our time on the phone fighting."

"You're not going to tell me anything so what's the point?"

"You can tell me about you," Callie said. "Are you still okay with … with living with the foster parents?"

"Callie, I'm safe now. I'm actually safe now and I'm not even sure what to do with it. Stef and Lena have been really good to me."

"And the other kids?"

"I'm their only foster kid. I think Mariana and Jesus like me. I think Mariana likes me more but I think that's just because Connor was right when he said Jesus gets too wrapped up in himself." Jude glanced nervously toward the door, like any of them might overhear what he was saying, though he had holed himself up in Brandon's room with the door shut. "I haven't met the oldest son, Brandon, yet. I guess he's coming during his February break so I wonder if they'll make me sleep on the couch."

"He's a bio kid?"

"Yeah, of Stef, not Lena."

"Right." Her tone went flat. "Okay."

"Callie, they're good people and you shouldn't make faces."

"You don't know I'm making faces."

"I do know you're making faces."

"Fine," Callie said with a snort. "Just stay safe while I can't protect you."

"Maybe if you could see me and see that I'm fine you wouldn't have to worry about me or the decisions that I make."

"I'm always going to worry. You've been my responsibility since we went into the system. Do you want me to not care anymore?"

"Callie, that's not what I said. You know that's not what I said. Don't get mad at me because you're scared. I'm not going anywhere."

"You're too smart, Jude." Callie sighed loudly while Jude glanced at Brandon's desk.

His homeschooling materials had finally arrived. His _second-grade_ homeschooling materials. Connor and Lena had been assuring him that he would pick things up quickly and that the point wasn't where he started but how he worked along the way. Jude wasn't convinced, but he could appreciate how hard they were trying to comfort him. He knew that he needed it. He was to start his lessons after getting off the phone with Callie. He wasn't looking forward to it. He felt like more was resting on learning from Lena. It wasn't like his informal tutoring with Connor. Jude had a secret fear that if he was too stupid that the system would blame Stef and Lena and force him to leave. He didn't want to leave.

"You're smart too, Callie."

"Not smart enough. I gotta go, Jude."

"When can I come see you?"

"When I get out … but you can call me at this time every Tuesday."

"And you'll still write me letters?"

"Yeah. Anything you want."

"I –"

" _Except_ for letting you come see me."

"Fine … Love you, Callie."

"Love you too," she answered and Jude hung up the phone.

He hung his head for a moment and then forced himself to go downstairs, his books in his hands, to face Lena.

(-.-)

Jude's bag was heavier than normal, though not as heavy as his head felt. Jude had spent long hours with Lena, trying to puzzle out things that seven-year-olds would find simple. He had been frustrated by the end of it and Lena had let him go to the hospital, provided he finished the worksheet she gave him by the time he arrived home. He stepped off the elevator and blinked, feeling like he was in the wrong place. It took him a moment to get his bearings. He shouldn't have been surprised that the children's ward had been decorated so brightly for Valentine's Day but Jude definitely hadn't been expecting it. Valentine's Day was a week away, he realized, but he hadn't taken notice before. He'd been too wrapped up in waiting for a decision about whether or not he was allowed to get tested for a kidney match. He was supposed to have heard back yesterday. Stef said they shouldn't have been surprised they were running behind and that they'd give a few ore days before calling them. The delay left Jude anxious but he couldn't show it because he couldn't tell Connor why.

He crept through the flowery pink and red hallway until he got to Connor's door. Connor's gaze flicked to Jude. He lifted a hand weakly.

"I think a cupid exploded in the hallway," Jude grumbled.

"Right, you hate Valentine's Day."

"Don't say that like it's a bad thing," Jude said, kicking off his shoes so he could pull his feet up on the bed with him. "Valentine's Day is stupid."

"It's just a day."

"Exactly! It's stupid because it makes people stupid. All those stupid ads? You literally can't avoid it! It's designed to make people feel bad."

"Tell us how you really feel."

Jude rolled his eyes. "How are you feeling?"

"Heavy. Like, moving just feels like too much effort. I'm tired, Jude."

"Go to bed early tonight."

Connor half-smirked. "Okay. Did you start school today?"

"Yeah."

"And?"

"It sucks and I'm stupid."

"You're not stupid!"

"It makes me feel like I'd rather put my head than think one more thought!"

"That's not you, that's just school."

Jude groaned. "So, this is never going to go away? That's what you're telling me?"

Connor shrugged. "I guess so."

"Thanks. That's helpful. I really appreciate that."

"Whatever. Don't be so sarcastic."

"I'm only good at, like, three things. Let me have this."

"There are more than three things."

"Math is not one of them and Lena gave me a math sheet to finish before I went home. She said you're allowed to help me but you're not allowed to do it for me."

"Is that you asking me to help you with your homework?"

"… Yes." Jude pulled a face. "See, I'm not good at that either."

"Just practice it: 'Connor, will you help me with my homework?' It's not hard."

"Now you're just making fun of me!"

"Yeah," Connor said, laughing.

Jude shook his head and laughed too, cutting himself off when a knock sounded. He turned to face the door, wondering who Connor knew that would knock instead of just barging in.

It was Daria, standing in the doorway.

"Connor, hi." She looked at Jude and then shifted her gaze back to Connor. "I thought I'd come say hi."

"I'm going to find a vending machine," Jude announced, feeling like Daria didn't want him there. "Maybe my brain needs sugar to work properly."

"Okay. Do you need change?"

"No, I've got some, thanks."

Jude sidled by Daria and back out into the flowery hallway, realizing that he had no idea where to start looking for a vending machine.

(-.-)

"Um, what's up?" Connor asked, pushing past the surprise of seeing her.

"I thought … I thought I should come see you, you know? I didn't want to think that I _should_ have come to see you when I had the chance." Daria tucked her hair behind her ears and sunk down on the chair closest to Connor.

Connor had always thought of Daria as a confident person, happy and easygoing. She was the type of popular, striking person Connor had always thought he would have ended up being if he had never gotten sick. It was strange, then, that Daria struck Connor as nervous now.

"I guess that's kind of selfish to say," Daria said.

"No, I get it. I'm glad to see people."

"You get many visitors?"

"Jude and my dad come every day and Ms. Adams comes every so often."

"Oh." Daria looked down at her hands, fiddling her fingers together. She finally looked back at him. "You know, something made me think of you."

Connor sat up a little straighter and adjusted his hat down over his head, not wanting to risk her seeing any part of his head. What could have happened to remind Daria of _him_?

She reached into the bag that she had over her shoulder. She pulled out two chocolate roses on long green stems, covered in bright red foil.

"We're putting together the candy-grams for Valentine's Day. I thought this was something else I should do before I wished I hadn't." Her brown eyes met Connor's. "I like you. I've liked you for a while. I invited you to my party and covered it in mistletoe because I really thought that you were going to kiss me. I thought you might have liked me too."

"Oh."

Woodenly, Connor reached out and took the roses, staring down at them. Daria had _liked_ him? That didn't make any sense. Why would Daria like him? Connor had never been able to confidently say that they were friends – friendly but not friends – and Connor didn't know what to say to her. He looked up to her, surprised to find how uncomfortable Daria looked. His stomach rolled and he hoped it was his emotions and not his dialysis. Now was not the time to be getting sick.

"You don't like me back, do you?" Daria asked, her eyes downcast.

Connor shook his head, wondering what to tell her. Did he tell her he was gay, give himself away when it came to Jude? Connor rejected that. He didn't want to tell her that. He felt like he owed Daria something but he knew that he didn't owe Daria that.

"No. I never thought about you like that. I'm sorry."

Daria just shrugged. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised, should I? It's … I just thought I should say it. Ms. Adams said you weren't coming back to school."

"No, I'm not." He didn't want to be dark and gruesome but there was no need to lie to her. "I'm not getting better."

"I'm sorry, Connor."

"It's not –" Connor's stomach rolled again and he knew it was dialysis illness. "Sorry!"

He curled away from Daria, grabbing the basin, feeling his stomach clench as he threw up.

"Oh God!"

Daria's shriek barely registered.

"Connor, what do I do?"

"Don't worry."

Jude. Jude had come back. Connor threw up again as Jude pressed the nurse's button. He sat at the end of the bed as Jude offered him water. He rinsed his mouth with the water and took a deep breath, trying to see how he was feeling. He felt dizzy but his stomach felt empty and he just felt too tired. The nurse took his basin, saying that she would be back with a new one. Connor turned himself back around, laying under the blanket. He felt too weak to draw the blankets back up and so Jude did it for him. Jude pushed the water glass into his hand again and Connor forced himself to take a sip of it. If Jude was going to take care of him, he could at least do his part. He gave the water back to Jude who put the cup to the side.

"Sorry you had to see that."

"It's okay. I, um …" Daria looked over her shoulder toward the door.

"It was good to see you."

"You too."

"Don't feel bad if you don't want to come back," Connor said, knowing that he had to give her an out; he didn't want her to feel guilty over not being here. He didn't want anyone's pity.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too." Maybe in another life, he and Daria would have been better friends. Connor couldn't imagine a world where he was into women but, maybe, if there were enough other lives out there, there was one where he and Daria liked each other. Maybe it was stupid to think but he wondered if she was thinking the same thing.

"It's okay. Um, bye, Connor."

"Bye, Daria."

She looked over at Jude, said another quick and awkward 'goodbye' and then she was out the door.

"You feeling okay?"

"Dialysis. You know."

"I know," Jude agreed. "What did Daria want?"

Connor picked up one of the roses that were still laying among his blankets and he offered it to Jude.

"Valentine's Day?"

"She has a crush on me. She wanted to tell me. I can't believe I never noticed."

Jude snorted. "You told me Jake reminded you of Daria, remember? And I told you Jake liked you."

Connor rubbed his forehead. "I still don't see how I didn't see. It doesn't matter. It's not like I liked her back or anything."

Jude went to hand him the rose back.

"No, she left me two. Consider it my Valentine's Day gift to you."

"I'm against Valentine's Day."

"I'm giving it to you anyway."

Jude twirled the stem between his palms. "It's not even really Valentine's Day."

"It's a candy gram. If you'd gone to school, you probably would have gotten one anyway. They're handed out the week before Valentine's."

"What's a candy gram?"

"Chocolate roses. People send them to their friends and their crushes, that sort of thing." Connor couldn't help but watch Jude's face carefully at the mention of the word _crush_. Jude didn't seem to react to that at all.

"Thanks. Don't think I'm giving you a Valentine because of it. It's a stupid holiday."

"No expectations," Connor said, but his heart hurt. He'd been jealous of his classmates and their desks of candy grams while people gave him and his illness a wide berth. He had just thought that Jude might be his one-real chance for a Valentine. He shouldn't have been lost in his hopes like that. It distracted him from the Jude in front of him and Connor really liked the Jude in front of him.

Jude put the roses over on the bedside table and then fiddled with the blankets, pulling them higher up on Connor's body. Connor curled his hand around the edge of the blanket, wishing that he could hold Jude's hand and wishing that Jude didn't have to take care of him.

"Feel sick again?" Jude asked.

"No, tired."

"Meds will be in soon and then you'll be out for the afternoon."

"Your homework."

"I will stare at it while you sleep and you can deal with my brain leaking out of my ears when you wake up."

"Keep your brain in your ears," Connor instructed, though he smiled.

Nurse Mac stepped into the room. "Okay, Connor, Dr. Meyer wants to try a new drug today."

"What's this one do? Not sleep as long? Not sleep at all?"

"You're going to find yourself sleeping more often no matter what drugs we give you," Nurse Mac warned him. "So, unfortunately, this is probably going to make you feel fuzzy but it will take away the nausea you've been complaining of."

"What nausea?"

"I've been feeling gross outside of dialysis," Connor said. He could see Jude's brow knit in worry and he had to glance away from Jude, back to Nurse Mac's face. "So, it's a better option?"

"For the short term. It'll give you a better appetite."

Connor's eyes shifted over to Jude's face. Jude was shaking his head; Jude knew he hadn't been eating nearly as much as he should have been.

"Okay. Let's try it."

"Some side effects of this drug can include minor memory loss, headaches, and dry mouth. If you experience any of these, let use know. Especially if you wake up with a headache."

Connor nodded seriously and tried not to sigh as he took the new medication. He didn't want Jude to see how frustrated he was with feeling poked and prodded and experimented on. He knew it would make Jude worry even more and he knew Jude would probably tell Adam. He knew they talked about him while he slept and it didn't bother him. He knew it was because they cared about him and how could he be upset about that?

(-.-)

Jude didn't turn to watch Nurse Mac leave. Instead, he just watched Connor. Nurse Mac said it wouldn't take long for the new drug to kick in. Connor rubbed at his forehead and concerned rose within Jude.

"Do you have a headache?"

"No. My head just itches."

"I guess it's allowed to."

Connor rolled his eyes at Jude. "Get your homework."

" _Why_?" Jude said, feeling whiny.

"So, I know you're actually going to work on it while I sleep."

Jude shook his head but fetched his bag anyway, pointedly placing the worksheets next to him before settling in properly next to Connor. Connor looked deep in thought before he shook his head and gazed up at Jude.

"What?"

"Daria," Connor murmured and, to Jude's well-tuned ears, Connor's voice already sounded off.

"What about her?"

"I don't like her."

"I know," Jude whispered, a lump in his throat as he thought that Connor might still like _him_.

"I'm gay."

"I know," Jude repeated, now glancing toward the door. It was early for Adam to arrive but he knew how Connor would be kicking himself if his father found out that particular detail while Connor was babbling like a drunk person.

Connor stared at his hands and then flopped backward on the bed, looking half-asleep as he went back to staring at Jude. "I wish you were gay."

"Connor?" Jude couldn't breathe. "Why? Why would you wish that?"

"I'm sorry." Connor squeezed his eyes shut and he hid his head against Jude's bicep. "I know."

"I don't know," Jude said. "Tell me why you wish I was gay."

"Because I think I kind of love you and I want you to love me back."

"Connor!" Jude's brain went blank and he felt like his heart had stopped. "Did you really just say that?"

"Yeah," Connor murmured. "Yeah."

Jude only felt a little bad as he jostled Connor in an attempt to keep him awake. His heart had started again and now felt like it was going to explode out of his chest. Did he tell Connor the truth? Connor had said it first and that wasn't something that people just blurted out. He had to mean it.

"Connor … Connor, I …" But Jude lost his voice.

Connor made a small sound in the back of his throat and then curled himself up against the pillows. Jude watched his face, knowing Connor had fallen asleep. He couldn't help himself and he reached out to take Connor's hand. It wasn't unusual and no one who saw them holding hands thought twice about it. Jude didn't even think about it anymore. Now, Jude stared down at their clasped hands, drinking in the warm feel of Connor's fingers, playing the words ' _because I think I kind of love you'_ over and over again in his head. Jude had known that Connor had liked him – Connor had kissed him at Christmas and Jude would never forget how sad he'd looked when they were talking about just being friends. But, Jude had left that fact mostly unacknowledged living in the minefield that was Nic's house and, now, Connor was dying.

If Connor was going to die, though, wouldn't it be better to let him go, knowing that Connor knew how Jude felt? What was holding back now? So, so much, Jude thought, watching Connor breathe. Sure, Stef's and Lena's was welcoming and safe but that didn't alleviate Jude's long years of hiding who he was and lying to himself. And, just because he had Stef and Lena now didn't mean he'd stay. He was a foster kid; he was always at risk to move and the next house might not be as welcoming or as safe. And, what if it changed too much for them and Jude couldn't be with Connor the way that he wanted to? Jude felt overwhelmed with fears and he knew that many concerns meant it was better not to say anything at all.

Jude already felt like that was going to be a hard decision to stick to. When Connor woke up and returned to the conversation with clear eyes, would Jude really be able to look at him and say he didn't love him back? Jude really didn't think he had the inner strength to do that.

He turned on the bed and rested with his back against the pillows. He pulled his knees up toward his chest, staring blankly ahead. _I think I'm kind of in love with you_. And, then, Jude started to smile because Connor loved him too and that was _everything_ to smile about. It warmed him and made him smile just thinking about it because being loved back by Connor Stevens meant everything. Jude looked over at Connor's sleeping face.

"I love you too," Jude said aloud, trying the words out. The only person he'd said those words to was Callie but that was _so_ different from what he was feeling and what he was feeling now. And saying it to Connor, though Connor was asleep and had no idea that it was being said, made Jude feel light. He felt like years of weight was being lifted from his shoulders, all because he had been able to let go of something dark inside of him and let himself fall in love instead.

Jude sunk down on the bed, Connor's head on his shoulder. He rested his head down on top of Connor's and played with Connor's fingers. He felt _happy,_ he realized, lying like that. Jude had a long, long list of things to worry about but, right now, he didn't feel concerned about any of them. Connor loved him too.

He tried not to look too giddy when Adam walked in for his afternoon visit. Adam would certainly ask and Jude knew he certainly couldn't say.

"How is he?"

"They're trying new medication."

Adam nodded. "Yes, it was explained to me last night. I don't know if it's good – he hates feeling hazy and confused but it's likely to happen with this medication. But, I thought, if Dr. Meyer thinks it's a good idea, then we should try it."

Jude swallowed hard. "Well, there's got to be a lot of things to try, right?"

"Yeah, that's the hard part. There's a lot out of there but some things are right and some things are wrong. I don't have a medical degree. I don't know what the right decision is anymore than you do so I just have to trust what Dr. Meyer is said to me. She's been his doctor since the very beginning and I know that she would like to see him get his kidney just as much as I would."

Jude's stomach clenched painfully at the word 'kidney'. He glanced down at Connor's face and then back up at Adam.

"He doesn't think he's going to get one."

"No but who knows whether or not he will. None of us know, Dr. Meyer doesn't know. Whoever gives him the kidney doesn't know. We just have to hope that it happens for us, sooner rather than later." Adam leant forward, resting his arms against the side of bed, rubbing Connor's arm. "Or that the end is painless."

Jude shut his eyes, his stomach falling out of his body. There was going to be an end and he hated thinking about it now more than he hated thinking about it when he first realized it. Jude squeezed Connor's hand but Connor's sleeping body didn't respond.

"How has your day been, otherwise?"

"I've been doing a lot of schoolwork. Which I don't like but I have to do it and I know that. Other than that, things have been … starting to feel almost normal, I guess."

"Have you met Brandon yet?"

Jude shook his head. "No, soon. He's coming home in a couple of weeks for his school's break, so, I guess I meet him then."

"They're all good kids. You have nothing to worry about."

"Thanks," Jude said, but he would worry anyway. Something new was always something to worry about. And he worried, if Brandon didn't like him, Stef's and Lena's opinions of him might change. He was new enough to their lives that it was always likely that they might change their minds on him anyway.

Adam didn't say anything after that. There wasn't always something for them to share, once they were done talking about Connor and how Jude's life was going. Jude still wasn't sure if he liked the conversation or the silence more. Something about the things Adam would sometimes say made him uncomfortable, since he felt like Adam shared too much sometimes, but the silence was weighty. He couldn't tell what was on Adam's mind, really, and sometimes he worried about it. They waited with one another long enough that Jude was sure that Adam was running over his lunch break. Finally, Connor started to stir and Jude couldn't help but feel anxious. What if Connor woke up talking about the same thing he'd gone to sleep talking about? What did Jude say?

Connor's eyes opened blearily and then quickly closed again.

"Do you have a headache?" Adam asked him.

"Tired. Thirsty. Little headache."

Adam pushed the nurse's button while Jude fetched water. He sat in the chair while the nurse came in and took his stats, asking him questions. Connor seemed confused as he talked, like he was still just waking up, but it was taking too long.

"Is this normal?"

"Yeah. It's not ideal and it means we probably won't keep him on this for too long. Just until we find something that we think will help with pain management as well as this does."

Adam nodded.

"We will also try adjusting the dose tomorrow and see how the pain goes versus the haziness. Let us know if that headache gets worse. It _shouldn't_."

Jude watched the nurse leave the room and then he moved back onto the bed with Connor, sitting so that he was facing Connor instead. Connor still looked barely awake, trying to reach out and grasp onto the water glass. Adam carefully handed it to him, keeping his own hands close, like Connor was a small child that needed help sipping at his drink. But, he clearly did need the help, since he ended up spilling some on his type. He then pushed the cup away and fell back against the pillows his eyes closing.

"You're not in pain, are you?" Adam asked anxiously, though Jude distinctly remembered the nurse asking Connor that barely five minutes ago.

"No," Connor whispered. "No, just … No brain."

"That's okay. Just rest."

"It's all I do," Connor said and then he rubbed his hands over his face again. "Jude."

"I'm right here," Jude said, moving a little bit closer, wondering if this was going to be the moment that Connor went back to what they were talking about before he fell asleep.

Connor's hand found his own and then he closed his eyes again. Jude looked down at their locked hands, feeling warmed and saddened by the fact that it was all Connor wanted.

"Connor, I'm going to go back to the office for an hour or two. I'll be back for dinner."

"Okay."

"Call me if there's any change, Jude."

"I will," Jude promised.

He turned and watched Adam go and then his gaze snapped back to Connor's face. Now. Connor was going to go back to it now. Jude was going to have to figure out what to say to him but that was also based on what Connor said next.

"Okay, _this_ has to be what feeling hungover feels like."

"I guess that sucks." Jude looked down at the blanket. Did he say it? Was that was Connor was waiting for? "I didn't do my homework."

"What?"

"You asked me to do my homework while you were sleeping. At least, you asked me to try to do it. I didn't even look at it."

"I don't remember that."

"How do you not remember?"

"Feels fuzzy. My whole head feels fuzzy." Connor sighed. "I barely remember Daria leaving. She did leave, right?"

"Right," Jude confirmed.

Connor continued, "I hate this. I don't want whatever this is again."

"Oh."

"Did we talk about anything important?"

"Homework. You said you'd help me."

"Oh. I'll do that …"

"You've got to eat something first. Maybe you'll feel less gross. I'm going to be here for a while yet."

"I know." Connor smiled. "You're always here. I like that."

"I like being here with you too."

Lunch was dropped off and Jude finally picked up the half sub that Adam had left behind, eating with Connor. Connor picked at his food but Jude checked how much he had eaten and, by what he remembered, it looked like he was already eating the slightest bit more than he had eaten yesterday. Connor lazed around for a while after he had finished eating and then, they got down to business on the homework sheet. Connor was patient, as Connor always was, as he tried to explain exactly how the simple math worked. It took much longer than it should have and Jude knew that. Jude knew it was because he was dumb and his brain just couldn't get it. Connor kept him motivated as best as he could. As weak as Connor was, he still kept pushing Jude and Jude knew that he couldn't let him down. They had very little time left before the end of visiting hours by the time they finished the sheet and Jude wished that he could stay the night again. He always wished that there was more time, especially on a day like today. Jude didn't think that Connor would lie to him about forgetting bits and pieces of his day but he also couldn't believe his luck that Connor would say it to promptly forget.

Lena knocked on the door. "Hi, guys, how are you?"

"Finished the sheet!" Jude announced.

"Jude did it mostly by himself."

"Connor's lying."

Lena just smiled at the two of them. "All right, well, I'll just choose to believe neither of you. I know Jude worked very hard nonetheless."

"I did," Jude agreed. "My school headache would never go away."

"Ready to go home?" she asked. "We picked up a pie for dessert. Maybe that and some ice-cream will help."

"Maybe." Jude looked over at Connor. "You okay if I go?"

"Dad should be back soon. He promised he would be."

"See you tomorrow."

"Bye, Jude."

"Bye, Connor."

Jude followed Lena out the door and into the elevator. While the floors were ticking down, he admitted, "I tried really hard but Connor did have to correct me a lot."

"The trying is the important part. Everyone needs the help and support when they're first starting out. You're learning how to do it on your own; you're not expected to know how to do it alone right away."

Jude wasn't sure what to say to that as he pushed himself into the passenger seat of Lena's car. He liked the words but he also didn't like how rehearsed Lena's words could sound, sometimes. She sounded like a guidance counselor who had repeated the words a hundred times to a hundred different kids who needed to hear the same thing. It was exactly who she was. Jude knew that she meant all of the words she said, though, and it made Jude forgive her.

"What did you do today after we did school stuff?"

"Oh, boring school stuff. More administrative paperwork than anything else. Makes for a long day."

"Sounds annoying."

Lena laughed. "It kind of is."

She stopped the car in the driveway and they walked into the front door of the house. Jude heard no sounds coming from the house – no music playing from upstairs or down, no sounds of arguing from Mariana and Jesus though they were both supposed to be home tonight. All there was to indicate that someone was home was the fact that lights were on. Jude felt slightly dizzy. This was it. This was the other shoe that he'd been waiting to drop. Nic's goons had hunted him down for some reason and had killed off the family that had been good enough to take him in.

Then, Stef appeared from around the corner, looking relaxed and happy. Jude could have wilted in relief.

"Welcome home!"

Jude's instinct pinged again. She sounded wrong.

"Where's Mariana and Jesus?" Lena asked, sounding normal and herself.

"I sent them away for the night. We need to talk to Jude."

"About what?" Jude and Lena asked, almost in complete synchronization.

"Jude, I heard back about the kidney testing."

The floor fell out from underneath Jude and his knees went weak. _Please, please, let this work out. Please let me save him._

Please.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **You Might Be The One**_ **by Greyson Chance; and** _ **Whenever You Need**_ **by Jamestown Story.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	32. King Of Clubs

Jude sat with his hands folded neatly in his lap, staring down at his own fingers. Stef and Lena sat on either side of him and he tried not to shake. He stared up into Stef's face, trying to read what was on her mind or what she had heard on the phone but he couldn't get anything from her and so he went back to staring at his own fingers.

"Jude, whatever happens with this, know that it's not your fault."

"Did they say I could get tested or not?" Jude demanded, not particularly in the mood for Lena's comforting mood.

"Yes. They agreed to let you get tested." Jude wanted to start smiling but something in her look kept him from doing so yet. "But, if it turns out you are a match, that's going to be a whole other fight on its own, Jude. You're a minor and a foster kid."

"I'll win. They're not going to let someone _die_ because of anything like that, right?" He looked anxiously over at Lena when Stef offered no reassurance. " _Right_?"

"It's going to be a fight."

"It's someone's life. What's there to fight about?"

"There's no need to get so upset about it when we don't even know if you're a match or not," Lena said. "We're going to have to go through this one step at a time."

"Thursday morning is when you go in for your first round of evaluation. I'll go with you," Stef said. "That's step one."

"Step one," Jude repeated but he was already thinking of the end. He was thinking of the end where Connor would have a kidney and Connor would live and Jude would really get to see whether or not they were friends in ten years.

 _I think I'm kind of in love with you_.

It had to work. Jude definitely loved him back.

"Jude, look at me," Stef said. "If you aren't a match, it's not your fault. Even if you are a match and he doesn't get the kidney, that's not your fault. Nothing that happens is your fault."

"I read all of the websites," Jude said. "They said that. But it will be my fault. If I'm a match, it _will_ be _my fault_. I need to know whether or not I am a match and if I am, he's going to get my kidney. If the kidney doesn't take, I'll be mad about it, but that's not about me, and I'll know that. But, if I am a match and he doesn't get it? I'll never get over that."

"Oh, Jude," Lena said. "No, honey. It won't be your fault. What you are doing now is amazing. What you are doing now is more than enough. You are going above and beyond what it means to be a good friend. This is enough."

"It doesn't feel like I could do enough," Jude said. "Sitting there and watching him, I just keep thinking that he'd do it for me. I know he would. And, I keep thinking, someone like Connor doesn't deserve to die. We're just kids. He deserves a better chance than this!"

Lena started rubbing his back and Jude hid his face in his hands. He wasn't going to cry. It was good news! He was allowed to get tested! He would know, for better or worse, if he was a match, and he wouldn't have to wonder anymore. He wondered if the knowing would help, if the answer was no, or if it was going to be worse to have that hope taken away too.

"Are you okay? You don't have to go through with this if it upsets you. No one is making you and no one is going to be mad at you if you can't do it," Stef said.

Jude couldn't help but think of Adam. If he had any idea that it was happening, he knew that he would be upset if it didn't work out. He knew Adam wouldn't force him. They weren't going to force him but he was going to force himself. He had to do it. For Connor, for him, however it ended up working out, _he_ needed to know and that had to count for something. He was making his own decision about this. It was his body, his kidney, and the only decision that should matter when it came to that was his.

"I'm not upset by the thought of giving it to Connor or any of the tests or anything. I'm upset if they say no because there's no good reason to!"

"Take a deep breath," Lena advised. "We're not there yet and we need to talk about this some more because if this gets you so worked up, then it's definitely not a good idea."

"I'm not worked up," Jude said, stubbornly crossing his arms and holding them down tightly against his chest.

" _Jude_ ," Lena said, giving him a look that he already knew too well. He tried not to pull a face.

"Step one," Jude said. "And, I still don't want to tell Connor."

"We won't," Stef promised. "We're going to be here every step of the way with you. You aren't going to be alone through this because it's a big deal. No matter the outcome, the fact that you are doing this is a big thing."

"It's a bigger thing for Connor," Jude mumbled.

"No," Lena corrected. "You can't think like that. Connor is going through a lot but just because he is going through something doesn't mean that this doesn't mean anything. This might make you feel good, it might make you feel bad, and whatever you feel, it's okay to feel it. It's okay to express it. Things can be hard for you even if they're also hard for Connor. That doesn't invalidate what you feel."

Jude couldn't look at her anymore. Somewhere, deep within him, he could recognize a flicker of truth in her words, but he didn't want to think about it or admit it. He knew he was going to have to get his thoughts and words in order before they sent him in for the psychiatric evaluation the websites had talked about – if he even got that far. He might fail halfway through. He exhaled heavily. There were too many ifs and maybes. It was why Lena and Stef were right. He just had to calm down. He had to look at the steps in front of him instead of the end result. But that was easier said than done because all Jude could do was picture Connor's face when Jude got to tell him that he was getting a kidney.

He could see it so clearly that it had to become reality. It _had_ to.

"Jude?" Stef prompted. "What are you thinking?"

"A lot of things. Too many things. I don't know."

Lena rubbed his shoulder. "Well, let's go have dinner and think about it. Give ourselves some breathing room. How does that sound?"

Jude nodded and then followed the two of them to the table, wondering if he could even figure out how to eat.

(-.-)

Jude realized, sitting in the doctor's office on Thursday morning, that he couldn't remember the last time that he had seen a doctor, let alone had a full physical. He had surely seen doctors during his time in the system but he just didn't _remember_ it. Stef had come with him today and she was still carefully reading over the form on history that they had been asked to fill out. Jude had to admit that he didn't know anything about his family history and that made him anxious. Could they deny him on the fact the he didn't know if his father's family had a history of heart attacks? Probably. They could deny him on whatever they wanted to and Jude tried not to look frustrated and reminded himself that the rules weren't about him. The rules were to keep people safe and healthy. That was what he wanted Connor to be: safe and healthy. If they didn't follow the rules and someone got hurt, it would be even worse. It was something that he had to keep thinking over and over again. Otherwise, he knew he'd take whatever happened too personally and if Stef and Lena already thought he was too worked up, who knew what they would think of him then?

Maybe they'd think he was too emotional and that they should get rid of him.

Jude shook his head, both to answer Stef and to clear his thoughts. _Step one_ , he reminded himself. "No, I've never had a cigarette at all. A lot of people used to smoke downstairs but I was never around them and I barely even smelt it … They smoked inside, not out, and we never had windows or anything open …"

Jude stopped himself. That was way too many details for one simple question.

"What about drinking?"

"Um, I had one beer at Christmas and that was the only thing I've ever had to drink."

Stef smiled and Jude was sure that she was laughing at him.

"What about sex?"

Jude shook his head. "Nope, never."

"It's okay, Jude. I'm not going to judge you but it is important that the doctors know the real answers. I know it's a sensitive topic."

"I've never had sex," Jude said. "I've only ever had one kiss. How could I have sex?"

"All right," Stef said, and Jude was glad that it really looked like she believed him and wasn't humouring him.

"What about vaccinations? Do you know if you have all of those?"

"I do. Callie would make me go to the free clinic and get a flu shot every year and she said that I had to because I've had all my shots before and she wasn't going to let me get rabies now."

"And you're sure she meant vaccinations and not just the previous year's flu shot?"

"Yeah because she said it even before I had my first flu shot. I have all my baby vaccinations and stuff. I had parents then."

Stef finished off the sheet and took the form up to the receptionist. It only took a few minutes before they were led to an examination room. Jude hopped up on the bed.

"I don't _have_ to be in the room with you, Jude, so if at any point you feel uncomfortable, just let me know and I'll wait outside."

It didn't even take Jude a half-second to decide. "I don't want to be alone with someone I don't know."

"Then, here I sit." She took a seat in one of the visitor's chairs and Jude walked the door until it opened.

"Hello, Jude. My name is Dr. Drew." A tall woman with a long red ponytail shut the door behind her and smiled brightly. "How are you feeling today?"

"Feeling good," Jude said, realizing that it wasn't what people usually said when they went into the doctor's office.

"All right. I see we're here for a full physical. We're going to start with a few questions, some blood pressure, easy stuff."

Jude nodded. She asked him a few questions and then she secured a cuff around his arm.

"It's going to get a little tight but it's only going to last a minute."

Jude stared down with interest as it began to constrict around his bicep. It went a little too tight, making his fingers tingle. Then, as soon as it was almost too tight, the band let go.

"All right, one ten over seventy. Perfectly normal!"

Jude followed all of her instructions as she took his temperature, listened to his breathing, and listened to his heart. After everything she let out a bright smile and told him that everything was normal and just as she expected. She rubbed his throat and looked in his mouth and Jude let out a long 'ahh' as requested. She looked at his eyes and ears, explaining everything to him as she went, asking often if he had any questions. He always shook his head and let her continue on to the next thing. She looked over most of his upper body and then she leant back.

"Jude, the next part is a testicular exam. My male partner should be free in about ten minutes if you would prefer a man to do it."

"No, I like you," Jude said.

"Would you feel more comfortable if your guardian was in or out of the room?"

Jude looked over at Stef. _This_ was what she meant when she had offered to leave the room.

"Could you, maybe, just look at the wall or something?"

"Okay."

Stef turned the chair around and Jude took off his pants. He just followed her instructions like before and tried not to think too hard about it. Dr. Drew moved in entirely clinical movements, doing things quickly and efficiently, and he didn't have time to get embarrassed about it.

"Okay, Jude, we're all done. You can get dressed again."

"Is that it?"

"I'm just going to order a few lab tests since I see that this is for a potential kidney donation?"

"Yes."

"And we don't have a lot of background on you so I'd rather double check everything."

"Okay."

"It's just some blood. It won't hurt at all."

Jude still didn't look when the blood was drawn.

"All right. _Now_ , we're all done. You should get your lab results sometime next week."

"Thank you," Stef said, and Jude echoed it.

He followed her out from the doctor's office.

"So, how do you feel?"

Jude took a moment to think about her question. "I feel … good. I feel like it's a good thing. The right thing."

"Good."

They climbed into the car.

"So, to see Connor?"

"Yes."

"Do you have your schoolwork?"

"Yes. I told Lena I'd try and look at all of it before we sat down tonight for work."

"I have a name and number of a doctor they recommended for the psychiatric evaluation. We can set that up before we get the medical results back. If you agree, I'll do that for Monday morning."

"Thursday morning. That's when Connor has dialysis."

"All right. Thursday morning."

They pulled up in front of the hospital.

"Mama will pick you up later."

"Oh. All right. Thanks for the drive."

"See you at home, later."

"Bye."

Jude hopped out of the car and headed upstairs into Connor's room. Connor was curled up in bed, his eyes half-closed, looking toward the TV but Jude could tell he wasn't really watching it. They had seen enough of this cartoon to know that neither of them liked it at all.

"Hey, how are you?"

"No," Connor whispered.

"You been sick?"

"Four times."

Jude dropped his bag down by the chair and took a seat in it.

"You in any pain?"

"Yeah. Always, now."

Jude closed his eyes, taking a steadying breath. He was so, so tempted to tell Connor where he was this morning but he wasn't about to let Connor's hopes go up along with Jude's.

"I'm sorry."

"We knew this would happen." Connor sighed. "Do you have homework?"

"Yeah but I'm not going to make you help me today. You're too sick."

"They're giving me the hazy drug again. It'll take me a while to be normal after I wake up."

"I know," Jude said. "But it's not your job to make sure that I have my homework done."

"I'm your tutor," Connor said, trying to smile at him, though it was so weak that it just made Jude sad. "It _is_ my job."

"Okay. I'll dig it out but don't worry about it."

Connor closed his eyes. "Can I be honest with you without you getting mad?"

"Yeah, okay." _Say it again,_ Jude whispered, his heart thumping in his chest. Every time Connor took his medication again, Jude waited for the conversation to come back. He waited for Connor to admit that he remembered saying it but was too embarrassed to admit it. He waited for Connor to say it again. Jude knew, though, that the haziness was real. Connor didn't remember what they had talked about it right before his nap consistently. "Promise. I won't get mad."

"I was really, _really_ worried about you, especially when I died and there was no one taking care of you, but ever since you moved in with Ms. Adams, I've been worried a lot less. I'm really sorry about Callie and I want her to be okay but I don't want you in the same place you were before. I know you're safe. I know Ms. Adams will keep you safe. I knew Dad would be okay, eventually, but I was worried about you. It makes dying easier to think about."

"Connor –"

"You said you wouldn't be mad."

Jude hung his head down, blinking rapidly. "I'm not mad."

"Are you crying? Jude, I'm sorry."

Connor stretched his hand out and Jude grabbed his.

"I hate the thought of you dying. I hate you talking about it! I don't want you to die!"

"I know. I'm sorry. But, I want to tell you everything. I still have time to tell you everything."

Jude looked up, feeling a tear escape his eyes and trickle down his cheek but he didn't take the time to brush it away. "What's everything?"

"I'm not sure yet." There was something in Connor's expression that made Jude think that Connor did know and Jude was sure they were thinking the same thing. "Homework?"

"Is that really what you want to talk about?"

"I want to feel normal while I still can feel normal. That's leaving too, though. And I just … Come on. We'll go crazy in this room if we don't."

There was some truth to that. Jude pulled his homework from the bag and set up next to Connor's bed. They slowly worked through the math first since that was the part that Jude needed the most help with. Nurse Mac came in and Connor stared at him distrustfully.

"Is it the same stuff?" he asked flatly.

"Unfortunately."

"When can I have something else?"

"That's a question for Dr. Meyer when she pops in later."

"I've asked her. She says that she's working on it but that I still have to be patient for another day or two."

"Then, I suggest you be patient for another day or two."

Connor clearly didn't appreciate the answer and he rolled his eyes at Jude.

"I'll see you after lunch," Nurse Mac said to Connor and Connor just grunted.

When the nurse was gone, Connor looked at Jude. "Come be my pillow."

"I don't want to make you dizzy. You usually don't like it after dialysis."

"I'm asking. Be here when I sleep."

Jude took his spot on the bed and Connor curled around him, closing his eyes.

"Be here when I wake up."

"Aren't I always?"

"Yeah."

Jude adjusted Connor's arm on his chest and went back to his homework but he let himself get distracted by the TV more often than not. Valentine's Day ads kept scrolling across the screen and Jude couldn't help but look down at Connor every time it did. He didn't think much of the holiday because he'd never thought much of romance. He'd never gotten close enough to someone before to have a crush. There'd never been someone to make him think that maybe he _should_ pay attention to February fourteenth as more than a day. There had been nobody until Connor and Jude firmly believed that it would still be nobody if Connor hadn't been exactly who he was.

"I love you too," Jude whispered. He wasn't sure why he kept saying it while Connor was sleeping. Maybe he was hoping Connor would actually be awake and hear the confession and say it back. Maybe he wanted to words to leak into Connor's subconscious and Connor would wake up and they'd talk about it when he was aware. Maybe Jude just wanted to say it because he knew he'd never have the strength to say it unprompted to Connor's face.

He attempted to go back to the science sheet that he was supposed to read and answer questions on to prepare for his science lesson with Lena tonight but the words just didn't mean anything. There was a jewellery ad on TV. He couldn't afford jewellery and wouldn't be buying the swirly, shiny pendant even if he could, but the ad still had Jude's attention. Connor liked Valentine's Day and Jude knew no one had ever done anything Valentine's Day related for him. Jude knew he was likely just going to get one Valentine's Day with Connor. He'd wasted their one Christmas by not knowing it was their one Christmas. And, even though Jude wasn't a fan of either holiday or holidays in general, Christmas was more of a holiday.

But, what could Jude do?

He wasn't quite brave enough to do something romantic for the romantic day and he was a little stumped at what to do for it. Connor didn't want for much. He was less than interested in much outside of his mother's book, lately, despite the things that Adam had brought from him. It wasn't as though Jude had money, either, and he felt bad enough about the bit of money Stef had gifted him, 'just in case he needed it'. He couldn't ask them for money, especially if he had to admit that it was a Valentine's Day present for Connor. He didn't want to know what they'd think of him after. He didn't think they were hypocrites or would turn him out but he was too scared to be wrong. He was too scared to let that truth out because what if he still wasn't safe?

And that didn't solve his original dilemma: what could he give that money couldn't buy? A kidney match would have been a gift to end all gifts but that wasn't going to happen by tomorrow. If it even happened at all.

 _Focus, Jude._

He looked around the room. Christmas shopping had been easy. There hadn't been rules for that. There was no inspiration to be found in Connor's blanket or videogame console. His bedside table just contained _To Kill A Mockingbird_ and a collection of different coloured pens. His homework and textbooks were packed into the messenger bag Connor had carried before, back when he went places. Jude squinted at the bag. Where would Connor go, if he could? Connor just wanted to go home and what could Jude bring him from home that Adam hadn't thought of?

Oh.

Moving slowly, Jude untangled himself from Connor's sleeping body, which thumped heavily back onto his pillows. Jude watched him for any signs of wakefulness but Connor didn't so much as let out a sigh. Jude opened Connor's bag, patting the pockets until he heard a jingle that was either keys or change and Jude knew Connor kept his change in his wallet. He slid the keys into his own backpack, putting them in the same pocket where his house key to Stef's and Lena's stayed. He didn't see why Connor or Adam would notice the keys missing from their spot but he knew he'd spend the rest of the night waiting for them to.

His job done, Jude took his spot next to Connor again. After all, he was always here.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Fair Weather Friends**_ **by Johnny Cash; and** _ **Nobody Knows**_ **by Lostboycrow.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	33. Two Of Spades

He was going to be in so much trouble. _So much trouble._ Banned from the hospital trouble.

Jude adjusted the bag over his shoulder, peering around the corner to watch Nurse Mac leave Connor's room. He knew he'd only have a few minutes. Even though the nurses who were in to actually check on Connor were on a schedule, it seemed like people couldn't walk by without glancing in, making sure nothing strange was going on. Knowing he had to move quickly, Jude power-walked into Connor's room.

"You're late," Connor complained, looking like he was having a better day than yesterday.

"I was at your house. I thought someone should do something for you for Valentine's Day, at least once." _Too much, Jude._ "We've only got a few minutes because I know I'm not allowed to do this so you have to go into the bathroom."

"Jude?"

"Go."

Connor eased himself out of bed, taking unsteady steps to the bathroom. He looked confused as Jude took his bag off. He blocked the doorway and then opened his bag all the way.

"Jelly!"

The dazed looking cat took a few confused steps forward and let out a loud meow. Concerned, Jude looked out to the room but no one had noticed them … Yet. Jude looked at Connor, who was kneeling on the cold floor, Jelly bean in his arms, pushing his head against Connor's cheeks.

"Thank you, Jude!" Connor looked up at him. "You're going to be in so much trouble."

"Only if they catch me," Jude said. "Five minutes, so it won't look suspicious."

"Thank you."

Jellybean was purring so loudly that Jude was sure he'd be able to hear it in the main part of the room. Jude started pulling the door to and he glanced at Connor's face. For the first time in a long time, Jude looked at Connor and didn't see sickness, he just saw happiness. That hurt too because Jude didn't know when or if he was going to get to see that look again. Connor's smile made him smile and he hated to shut that door, but that was what he did. Standing in the doorway of the bathroom was odd behaviour and was sure to attract someone's attention. He sat in his chair and watched the minutes tick by on the clock. The five minute mark passed and Jude checked the hallway. His stomach flipped and then he decided to give Connor one more minute. Then, he opened the bathroom door again, slowly, in case Jellybean ran out, but she was curled up in Connor's lap, eyes closed as her purr vibrated around the room. Connor's expression turned sad.

"Five minutes already?"

"Yeah."

"But I missed her," Connor whimpered, picking her up and burying his face in her fur.

"I know but if they find her and ban me, you'll have to miss us both."

Connor nodded sadly and kissed Jellybean's head.

"I love you, Jelly."

Jude held his bag open and Connor carefully placed Jellybean in the bag and kissed the top of her head one more time.

"Be good," he whispered.

She let out a mournful meow as Jude zipped his bag most of the way, careful not to let her airhole be big enough that she could escape through it.

"I'll be back as soon as she's home safe."

Connor nodded, staring at her bag. "Sit with her a minute? Make sure she's reoriented at home."

"I will."

"Thank you, Jude."

"Come on, back to bed. I'll see you later."

Jude hovered until Connor was back in his bed and then he went back into the hall. He jabbed at the elevator button, feeling Jellybean squirming against his back and he just kept hoping that she'd be quiet. At least until they were out of the hospital. It would probably be awkward to board the bus while his bag meowed but it would be worse for his bag to yell at him in the hospital. He rushed into the elevator, grateful that it was empty. He watched the floors tick by as Jude held his breath. He was really going to get away with it! The elevator opened onto the main floor and he went to take a hurried step out.

"Jude? Where are you going?"

"Um." Jude froze, staring at Adam. "Um …"

What could he say? Jude didn't leave Connor's side. There was no good reason for him to be leaving the hospital now. Jellybean meowed softly and Adam's face changed.

"Was that my cat?"

"Uh …" Jude shrugged. "There's nothing I can say here that won't get me in trouble."

"Has she already been up?"

"Yeah," Jude sighed. "I'm sorry, I –"

"Let's get you out of here," Adam said. "I'll drive you home, save her some trauma."

"Okay. Thank you." Jude kept up with Adam's pace into the parking lot and into his car. Once he was sitting in the passenger seat, he opened the bag and let Jellybean pool onto his lap. "Are you mad?"

Adam shook his head, directing the car back to the main road. "You did something selfless for your dying friend. You broke several important rules about animals in hospitals – rules that are there for a reason – and that's not a good thing, Jude. You can't do it again."

"I knew he wanted to see her again and I know he's going to be in the hospital, so, I just thought … He should. He should get to see her one more time."

"But that dying best friend is my son so … Thank you, for doing everything you do for him. It can't be easy on him but I think having you there the amount that you are makes him stronger. I think having someone right there that he knows he can count on helps. I'm going to start being around more –"

"Because you think this is the end?" Jude blurted, not sure that he wanted to hear the answer but knowing that he had to ask. "He hasn't seemed … That bad."

"He's slipping away, Jude, I know that you know that. I don't think that this is the end but I don't want it to be the end when I take the time. When he's still here, when he's got his mind, and he's really there, I want to have the time. They've talked about the end to me, Jude, and you're around so much, you need to be prepared as much as I do."

"He could still get his kidney," Jude protested, but it was feeble, and he ran a hand down Jellybean's back. He saw why Connor found her so comforting.

"Jude –"

"I know, I know," Jude said, quickly, "but if we have to get him hopeful than I get to be hopeful too, right?"

"Right," Adam said. "But, Jude, do you have a clear picture of what the end looks like?"

"He'll be in a lot of pain, he'll be on a lot of drugs … Nurse Mac said he'll be sleeping a lot."

"That's all true," Adam said. "He might not be really coherent near the end. He will get thin, we will get weak, he will be completely bedridden. It's probably exactly what you think of when you think of the worst-case scenario and then some."

"You already told me that it wouldn't be easy to watch and it's not about making it easy for me," Jude said as Connor's house came into view. "It's about Connor. Because I'll be fine. I'll have to live with it but I'll be here to live with it. I don't know if being dead or alive is better but I've been alive, I've never been dead. I know there are things that he'll miss and thinking about what's going to happen – new ice-cream flavours or new movies or new places – that he will miss drives me nuts already. It's going to suck for me but he's going to die and I know he'd rather be alive. I want to know him, alive, for as long as I can, because when he's gone, there's just remembering him, there's no knowing him."

"You're too old for your years, Jude."

Jude stared ahead, at Connor's house, and then he looked down at Jellybean in his lap.

"I should probably get her inside."

"Come on, I'll go with you. It probably wasn't an easy trip. She's not that young, you know?"

"I know. I felt bad about putting her in my bag but she seemed so happy to see Connor too."

Jude held Jellybean tight as he carried her to the front door.

"How did you get in here, anyway?" Adam asked as he unlocked the door.

"I stole Connor's keys," Jude admitted. It wasn't like he had anything to hide from Adam now.

He put Jellybean down inside of the front entrance hall and she took off, her claws clicking against the floor as she raced up the stairs.

"Can I get you anything to eat, Jude?"

"No, thanks. I'd head back to the hospital now but I told Connor I'd sit with Jellybean for a few minutes."

"Then there's no reason why you can't have a sandwich while you sit with her. That gives us the perfect amount of time to make sure that she's okay."

"Oh, thanks," Jude said. "Um, do you know where she might have gone?"

"Connor's room. Check under the bed, that's probably where she is. It's her, um, favourite hiding place. She misses him too."

"Yeah, I saw that."

Jude knew that Connor hadn't told Adam, yet, that he wanted to come home to die and Jude didn't want to think of what that meant. He knew it wasn't his place to tell Adam, regardless, and so, he kept his mouth shut and walked up the stairs, going into Connor's room. He hadn't spent much time in Connor's house, let alone directly in his bedroom, but it still felt so wrong to be here without Connor. Despite the things that Adam had taken to the hospital, it still looked like Connor's room, like he would be following Jude up the stairs. This was how Connor's room was always going to look, Jude realized, until Adam took it apart. Connor wasn't going to be buying new books or accrue more laundry or find a new poster he liked to hang up in his room. It was the end.

He knelt down on the floor, peering under the bed so that he could pretend that it wasn't because his legs had given out. Jellybean was watching him from far underneath the bed, her eyes gleaming in the light. Jude stretched his hand out to her but he couldn't possibly touch her and she just watched him.

"All right," Jude said. "I know, you have no reason to trust me. Last time, I dropped you in a bag and, hey, you got to see Connor. I count that as an upside."

She didn't so much as blink.

Jude pulled his hand back close to his body but he stayed laying on the floor, keeping an eye on her, just as he had promised. Jellybean just watched him back. He didn't have anything else to say to her right now and he knew that she had nothing to say to him. Adam carried the sandwiches he had made for them upstairs and, to Jude's surprise, he sat on the floor with Jude.

"Is she just hiding?"

Jude nodded. "Thanks for lunch."

"She'll probably hide until I come home tonight. Connor will want me to be with her tonight."

"He loves her."

"Well, she was his only friend for a long time. You don't replace a bond like that."

Jude picked a piece of turkey off his lunch meat and put it part of the way under the bed. Jellybean's paw shot out to grab it and then she backed off with the meat, sniffing at it before snapping it up.

"Did she eat?"

"Yeah."

"That's a good sign," Adam said. "I really don't think you did any damage to her when you put her in the backpack. For future reference, her carrier is in the bottom of the hall closet. Under the shelf with the towel."

"I know," Jude admitted. There was nothing to hide from Adam anymore. "I saw it, the first time I stayed the night. I almost put her in it but, uh, it would have been too obvious to walk into a hospital like that. I always go in Connor's room with my backpack on, so … I knew that it wouldn't look weird. She didn't meow the whole way there, just on the way back out." And Jude knew it was because she didn't want to leave Connor and he knew by the look on Adam's face that he knew it too.

"Are you all done?"

"Yes, I am."

"Then, let's get back to the hospital."

"Thank you."

Jude carried their plates back down to the kitchen. He heard Jellybean's paws on the stairs as they were heading out the door and he was glad that she had come out of Connor's room. He waited for Adam to lock the door and got back into the car. The drive to the hospital was quieter than the one away from it and Jude felt like he didn't have anything left in him for today. It was Valentine's Day and there were couples on the street. They were bright and happy and Jude wanted to be bright and happy too but he couldn't. For the first time, there was someone out there who he wanted to be a Valentine and it should be good and it should be happy. But Jude still didn't know how to be himself and Connor could be dead this time next week.

Jude and Adam walked up to Connor's room together. They had been running behind schedule enough that Connor was already out. Adam smiled and smoothed the hem of Connor's hat, fixing the blankets to make him comfortable.

"I have to go, Jude, I'm going to be over on my lunch break as is. Tell him I'll be back for dinner, okay?"

"I will," Jude promised, sinking down into one of the visitor's chairs. The hospital bed wasn't that big and Connor hadn't fallen asleep around him this time. Jude couldn't just push him out of the way to get into bed while Adam was still there.

Adam left the room. Even when Jude was alone, he still didn't push himself onto the bed next to Connor. He curled himself up in the chair, his knees to his chest, and then he hugged his legs to him, watching Connor sleep. He looked over his shoulder to make sure that no one was going to come in and overhear his confession.

"I'm not going to let you die. I can't stand the thought of it. But I have the psych thing tomorrow and I'm scared. I'm really scared. And not because of anything psychiatric but because I'm scared that it'll be the reason that they tell me no. There can't be a 'no', not if I match, because that means I'll have to actually figure out how to let you die … probably and I … I can't do that. My parents left or died and my foster parents all should have abandoned me because I would have been better off and Callie's gone now … I can't figure out how to let you go too. I don't want to have to figure that out too. Because you love me and I love you and I need to be able to tell you that when you're awake, someday. Someday, I need to figure out that it's really okay to be me and tell you that when you're awake. But you have to live for that. And for your cat and for your dad. Not just about me." He hit his head against his knees. "I need to shut up."

He took a deep breath and stared at his jeans. He made himself just breathe, keeping his eyes down so that he could get his feelings under control. He had no idea how long Connor had been asleep and he could wake up at any time. Connor could read him like an open book to Jude just couldn't let him do that, not today. He had too much that he had to hide from Connor today.

He heard the sound of shoes behind him and he tilted his head, expecting Nurse Mac, but, instead, it was Dr. Meyer.

"Oh, hello. Jude, right?"

"Right." Jude looked up at her and then quickly looked away. He had only met her on a few occasions, mostly when he was ducking out of the room so that she and Adam could discuss confidential medical things with Connor. "Is he okay?"

"I think you'll find him in a better mood when he wakes up. We were finally able to shift him from the drugs that made him fuzzy."

"I'm glad to hear that. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"If he does get a kidney, are you the one that will be operating on him?"

"Yes," she said.

"What about the donor? Who operates on the donor?"

"Well, that depends on what hospital the donor is in. We often take multiple organs from the same donor and so we send in a specialist from the hospital to make sure that it is harvested correctly and that the organ is in good, proper working condition."

"What if it's a live donor?"

"Then, the organ will be taken here, at this hospital. We'll make sure that we time it so that it can be transported immediately from one O.R. to the other. I will be in the O.R. with Connor, so one of my colleagues will be harvesting the organ from the donor."

"Is it complicated?"

"It's a surgery. There will always be risks and complications with surgeries and that can't be downplayed but, well, the risks are higher for Connor because he has other things going on. He's not in perfect health and there's always the risk that the cancer will mean he's not strong enough to go through with the surgery."

"Oh." Jude looked back over at Connor. "Well, thank you for telling me. For not … lying to me."

"I'm a doctor, Jude, I'm not going to lie, especially when you've just got questions about your friend."

"What about doctor-patient confidentiality? Wouldn't you lie to me if I asked something about that?"

"You're a smart kid," she said. "But, you're right. I should have said: I'm not going to go out of my way to lie to you."

"Thank you for that."

"I've got to be on my way but if you have any other questions, you can always find me around."

"Thank you for that."

Dr. Meyer left the room and Jude sat on the edge of Connor's bed. He found the TV remote and turned it on, just watching things go by. The Valentine's day ads were still playing but they didn't catch his eye the way that they had before. Bringing Jellybean to Connor was the best thing that he could have done – no other gift could have topped it – and he just hoped that Connor got to see her again, go to live and go home. He knew that his hopes kept getting up too high and that would probably hurt more later on but Jude couldn't let it.

He had his psych appointment tomorrow and then he would get his results and things would be fine.

They would really be fine.

And, so, Jude let himself rest back onto the pillows next to Connor, snaking their hands together, the way that he knew Connor would want to wake up.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Love Is Stronger Than Death**_ **by The The; and** _ **Blood And Bones**_ **by Kodaline.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	34. Queen Of Diamonds

Jude tried not to bounce his leg as Dr. Shapiro shut the door behind the two of them. He didn't know what would or wouldn't work against him. Unlike his blood tests, which just wasn't up to him, one wrong move in the psychiatric evaluation would be on him.

"Are you comfortable in that chair?"

"Yes."

"So, Jude, you wrote down that you already did the initial medical tests and sent off the first blood test, is that right?"

"Yes."

"Have you been assigned an ILDA yet?"

"No."

"Do you know what the means?"

"Independent living donor advocate," Jude rattled off. "I did my own research."

"Okay, well, we're going to want to get you assigned an ILDA as soon as possible."

"Even if it turns out I can't donate?" Jude asked. "The website I read made it sound like I get assigned one after that kind of stuff is sorted out."

"No, that's not true. An ILDA is there to look out for you, make sure that no one is pressuring you into getting these tests or going through with the donation itself. An ILDA is an important person to have with you from the very beginning of this process."

Jude nodded. "I'm supposed to be completely honest with you, now, right?"

Dr. Shapiro smiled and nodded. He had a fair amount of dark scruff on his face and Jude watched the way that the light glinted off it, letting his mind wander for a second because he couldn't quite grow facial hair yet. "The goal here is honesty, yes."

"The only person pressuring me is me. I looked it up, I asked my foster mothers if they would help me. I didn't tell the person that I want to give my kidney too that I was doing it because I didn't want him to think of me as a failure if I couldn't donate."

Dr. Shapiro nodded slightly. "Okay. Jude, what do you think the odds of you being a donor are?"

"I did my reading. I know that, since I'm not related, the odds aren't in my favor. That doesn't mean I can't hope, right? And, I know that it's not just about being a match. I know that I'm a minor and that I'm a foster kid. I know that those are working against me too but I can't wait. I can't be patient because Connor will die before we turn eighteen. I want to try and help him now because now is when he needs help."

"So, Connor is a minor too?"

"Yes."

"What do his parents thing of your idea to donate?"

"It's just his father and I didn't tell Adam, just like I didn't tell Connor. I just asked my foster mothers. They're the only people I've told."

"Why do you think you're being so secretive?"

"It's not about keeping it a secret. It's, like, what you said about pressure. I think it will hurt more if more people have expectations. But, Stef and Lena – those are my foster mothers – they're just supporting me. I think that they don't think I'll be able to donate. But they're supporting me and that's what really matters. Them supporting me. So, the only person that's pressuring me is me."

Dr. Shapiro was taking notes on a pad. "What kinds of pressures are you putting on yourself, Jude?"

"He's my best friend. But I only got to meet him in September. But he's so important to me. Um, my life has really, _really_ sucked and I can be pretty terrible of a person … but Connor's not like that at all. He's a good person and he deserves good things. He's been fighting this for a really long time and he shouldn't have to fight anymore. If I can help him, I want to help him. He deserves that someone helps him."

"That someone doesn't have to be you," Dr. Shapiro said.

"No," Jude agreed. "It doesn't _have_ to be. If it _had_ to be, someone would have made me do it. I wouldn't have had to do the research on my own and I wouldn't have had to convince my foster parents to let me get tested but that is what I had to do. I know it doesn't have to be me but why shouldn't it be me?"

"Do you know how many more tests are involved, Jude?"

"Yeah but I'm still looking up what they all mean. The first time I was on the internet, I thought it was just blood and talking to a psychiatrist and, you know, the physical but then I realized, they have to check my pee and do an X-ray and check _me_ for cancer and a bunch of other diseases … and an EKG. The EKG is what I don't know what it is yet," Jude tacked on hurriedly. He felt like he was doing okay but he also felt like he was talking too much. It was the effect of the calm feeling room and the intent doctor.

"EKG means electrical cardiogram. What happens during an EKG is that electrodes are attached to your chest and are connected to a machine. It makes sure your heart is healthy."

"Does it hurt?"

"Not at all. It's regarded as a simple procedure so there's nothing to worry about."

"Oh, so the name just sounds scary," Jude mused and he wasn't sure that he meant to say that aloud.

"Are you scared, Jude?"

Jude leant back a little into the chair, taking a moment to think. He knew he was determined. He knew he was hopefully. And he knew that he was scared of Connor dying but he really considered Dr. Shapiro's questions, trying to think if there really was anything else he was scared of.

"Yeah. I think it would be stupid to not be scared, at least a little. I'm not scared of the tests but I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm scared of not being able donate – I read all of the websites, there were a lot of bad mental things that can happen to people whose donations fail. I guess that's what you're for. I'm scared if I am able to donate, it will go wrong. I talked to Connor's doctor a little bit. The risks are higher for him than the donor because the donor is going to be in perfect health. But just because I know that and just because I know that it's generally safe doesn't mean there aren't risks. It doesn't mean I won't be the one that something happens to. I'm scared of that. I generally have bad luck so, yeah, I'm definitely scared of that. It's stupid, I think, to not be scared," he repeated because he really felt that.

"If you're so scared, why think about going through it at all?"

"Are you trying to talk me into or out of it?" Jude asked. "I thought everyone was supposed to be unbiased. Let me make the decision. After somebody makes the decision that I can make a decision, anyway."

"I'm not trying to talk you out of anything," Dr. Shapiro said. "And I'm not trying to talk you into anything. My job is to make sure that you understand the risks and everything involved in choosing to be a live donor."

"I'm doing it because if I spent all my time being scared, I'd never do anything. I wouldn't so much as have him as my friend because I would be too scared to have talked to him in the first place. It's about being better than your fear or something, right? That's what I think a real therapist would say."

"Tell me more about what being friends with Connor is like," Dr. Shapiro requested.

Jude wasn't even sure where to start with that one and so he started talking about what it was like before Connor was sick, answering all of Dr. Shapiro's questions as he was prompted. Their allotted time began to slip away and Jude even thought that he was starting to breathe a little bit easier. He still couldn't be sure about what Dr. Shapiro was thinking, which was probably a good trait for someone in his profession to have. Jude just would have like to have had some indication on whether or not this was the end of the line for him.

"Jude, is there someone in the waiting room for you?"

"Yes," Jude said. "My foster mother, Stef."

"I think that you should go and get her. There are some things that we should all discuss together."

Jude's legs were shaking as he made his way into his lobby, gesturing to her to follow him back into the secluded little room. She sat next to him on the couch after introducing herself to Dr. Shapiro.

"So, I don't think that I need to tell you that it's going to be an uphill battle for Jude to donate, just as a minor and a foster child."

"Right," Stef said. "We understand that. There's a lot involved with being a living donor that we are still trying to get a handle on."

"I am going to direct you to a transplant centre, which is where you should have been from day one. They will assemble a team, specifically for Jude, including an ILDA. They will answer any questions that you might have, be able to guide you through the process. They're all experienced professionals and they will be just looking out for Jude, he will be their priority, and they will be entirely on your side. If you are eligible to donate, if you're not, and if you ever decide that you want to back out."

"How far away is this transplant centre?" Stef asked.

"Only a few miles away from here. It's not out of the way at all, very accessible to most people. They will be able to run the tests and get you through this."

"So, wait," Jude interrupted. "Did I pass?"

"Pass?" Dr. Shapiro repeated, clearly confused.

"The psych test, to be able to donate. Did I pass?"

"It's not about passing, Jude," Dr. Shapiro said, but he did seem to be slightly amused by the comment. "But, I feel as though you should be in contact with the transplant centre. I think that's the next best step for you. I'm not someone who can say that you can donate or that you can't but I can say that you fully understand the risks of donation and the reality of it. Because of your age, I think that you need much more counselling than an adult donor and I think the people at the transplant centre will agree with me. There will be someone there that is more well-versed in transplant psychology that will be able to work with you, especially if you find you're a match."

Jude nodded as Stef asked another question, leaning back on the couch because that sounded like a pass to him.

(-.-)

Jude doodled on the edge of his worksheet, looking down at the simple string of sums. He wasn't in the mood to do them and he readjusted himself in the hospital chair, looking up at Connor. Connor was laying on his side, staring back at Jude. He was lifeless today; he had barely moved since Jude had walked into the room, just looking around tiredly, though he had been trying to keep the conversation up. Jude could see how hard it was for him today but didn't try to stop him. He wanted to hear Connor's voice while he still had Connor's voice. He had thought that actually seeing the psychologist would put him on a high, make him full of hope, especially since he had, essentially gotten good news from Dr. Shapiro, but Jude didn't feel elated, not like he had expected to, anyhow. Seeing Dr. Shapiro, talking about his kidneys – something he had never really thought about in any detail before now – made things set in that much harder. Jude had always thought that he had been feeling the reality of what was happening to Connor, but he was coming to find that it wasn't true.

It all felt much more real now that he was involved and he wasn't just watching.

"Are you doing your homework?"

"No," Jude said, meeting Connor's eyes. "I can't concentrate."

"What are you thinking of instead?"

"Does there need to be an 'instead'? It's math. I think I'd rather be watching paint dry."

"Liar."

"Okay, maybe paint was a little extreme but I would still rather be doing anything else."

"You _can_. You can go camping or to an amusement park or walk anywhere. You can even go watch paint dry, if that's what you want."

"I'd rather just sit here, I think. Watch the clouds out of your window. It's a little more interesting than watching paint dry."

Connor half-rolled his eyes.

"Plus, you're watching me do math, which one of us is more bored?"

"You. I don't mind you watching you do math. I can't do it anymore, one of us might as well."

"It's math. We should just boycott it together."

"I'm not boycotting," Connor said. "I feel sick if I sit up."

"Is that the dialysis talking or is that just how it is now?"

"It's the dialysis. Normally, I'm sitting up, right?"

"Yeah. Normally, I'm with you."

"Sorry to kick you out."

"Me moving around will make you sicker, so I can forgive you that." Jude shuffled around again, putting his feet up on the edge of Connor's bed and tilted the worksheet again, drawing another square along the edge of his page.

"Forgive me the dying?"

"You're talking too much about dying lately."

"I'm trying to see if Jake's approach to humour worked. He just seemed better about facing it than I do and I want that. I want to feel better about it because I have to try and talk to Dad about stuff and that's hard to do especially if I'm feeling so down about it."

"I think it's a hard thing to not feel down about," Jude said, aggressively shading one of the squares with his pencil.

"That's true. Are you going to answer my question? Forgive me for dying?"

" _If_ you die –"

" _Jude_ ," Connor groaned.

"No, come on. It's an if until you're actually gone, even though if is less likely than when."

"Okay, I guess that's fair," Connor whispered.

"If you die, I'll forgive you, as long as you do all that you can to live. Don't give up. No matter what, just don't give up."

"I wouldn't even think about giving up. I promise. I'll be here until I'm not."

Jude stared down at his page, drawing faint lines down the page, straight through the printed sums.

"You have to do it," Connor said. "Or Ms. Adams won't let you come. She'll think I'm distracting you."

"She wouldn't stop me from coming. I think she likes you more than she likes me."

"That's not true. You said it knowing it's not true."

"All right, yeah, I know it's not true," Jude agreed. "But she's known you longer. And you have the better sob story."

"It's because I look sick but you don't look damaged."

Jude's eyebrows shot up and he nearly dropped his pencil. "You think I'm _damaged_?"

"No. Well. You _are_ , Jude. I didn't mean it in a bad way. Stop looking at me like that."

"Damaged?"

"I'm sorry. I really didn't mean it like it sounded. But, you've got stuff."

"Everyone has stuff."

"Yeah, but you have a lot of stuff. I know you, Jude, you've told me."

Jude curled his legs back into the chair, setting his homework aside completely. He looked at Connor, who at least looked sheepish about his comment. Connor stared back at him and then he stretched his hand out. His fingers trembled and Jude only let him extend it for a second before he took Connor's hand in his, keeping the both of them steady.

"I'm sorry I said it."

"Even though you think it's true?"

"I like you like you are. You wouldn't be Jude without a little bit of damage."

Jude could tell what Connor was thinking, even if he hadn't said it. He could see the _I-love-you_ written all over Connor's tired face and for the millionth time, Jude thought about telling Connor that he knew. He thought about telling Connor that he had given away the truth while hazy and on drugs but it was fine, because Jude loved him too. Connor had so little strength left now. Maybe it wasn't fair of Jude to hope that Connor was the one to say it first; maybe Jude should.

"You've got to tell me you like me, even with the cancer," Connor said, a smile on his lips.

"Connor, I –" Jude's throat closed up and his mouth went dry.

"Even if it's a lie," Connor added, misreading Jude's expression.

"Well, it's –"

"Hey, guys! Jude, are you ready to go?"

Jude dropped Connor's hand and turned to look at the doorway where Mariana was standing.

"What? It's … There's still an hour left of visiting hours," Jude said.

"Moms sent me to get you early. Brandon's coming home tonight so they want to make sure everyone's on time for dinner. Stef said she mentioned it to you."

"She probably did, I'm just forgetful. Don't worry, I'll be ready to go in a second."

"Sure. How are you feeling, Connor?"

"Tired, breathing is hard, but my head feels clearer. Better drugs."

Mariana cracked a smile. "Well, look on the bright side, I guess."

"How's school?" Connor asked while Jude slid his homework into his bag.

"Same old, same old. There's nothing dramatic and fun happening, so, I've had time to think for once. Well, sort of. I had to take over Michael and Mary at tutoring."

"How are they?"

"Annoying. I don't know how you managed it. I think they learnt something from you, though. Mary seems better than I remember her."

"Good, that's something."

Jude finally stood. "I think I'm ready to go. You going to be okay until your dad gets here?"

"Yeah. As much as I like it, I don't actually have to be entertained by someone else every minute of every day."

"All right, if you say so. Maybe I'll be late tomorrow if that's true."

"You wouldn't dare," Connor said and then he gestured Jude down toward him. Jude crouched down, glancing at the door, where Mariana was tactful enough to step out into the hallway. "Don't be nervous about meeting Brandon. You were nervous about Mariana and Jesus and they both like you. It's going to be fine."

"I just wish I hadn't forgotten that I was supposed to be meeting him tonight." Jude exhaled heavily. "I guess I've just been distracted lately. There's too much to think about."

"What have you been distracted by?"

"Callie, school, getting used to living with new people, still. Everything you already know. I should go. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow, okay?"

"I'll be here."

"Promise?" Jude whispered.

"Pinkie promise."

Connor offered his hand to Jude again and Jude linked their pinkies together. He looked down at their hands.

"It wouldn't be a lie."

"Hmm?"

"If I told you that I liked you even with the cancer."

"Is that what you're telling me?"

"We'll talk about it tomorrow."

Connor let out a laugh and let Jude's hand drop. "Okay, whatever. Have a nice dinner."

"We'll see. Bye."

"Bye."

Connor lifted his hand weakly in a wave and then Jude was out the door, though he hated leaving before he absolutely had to. He fell into step with Mariana, who stared down at her phone, texting rapidly until they were in the car. Jude stuffed his bag down by his feet while she dropped her cell into a cupholder and drew her seatbelt across herself and put the keys in the ignition.

"Don't be nervous about meeting Brandon."

"Were you eavesdropping?" Jude asked, immediately on the defense, though there was nothing to get defensive about. It wasn't as though he and Connor had talked about anything embarrassing or anything that anybody else shouldn't have overheard.

"What? No. I'm nosy but I'm not that bad. I'm just saying, I know I was a little kid and you're a teenager, but I remember being a foster kid and biological kids are the worst. You feel like if they don't like you, then there's no way the family will keep you."

Jude looked out the window, silent for a moment while he gathered his thoughts and decided how much he wanted to confide in Mariana. He liked her; he just wasn't sure of how much of himself he should reveal to her. It wasn't as though they'd had a heart to heart before, just simple conversations over the dinner table around Stef and Lena and Jesus. "Yeah, you're right. He felt … not real since I moved in and now I feel like I let myself get too comfortable because I … I think you and Jesus like me. I hope you do. I just don't want anything to happen because I think … I think I like it a lot, living with you guys."

Jude came to a stuttering stop and looked over at Mariana, who had a little smirk on her face.

"Jesus and I do like you, I promise. Brandon will like you too. He's got an ego, not like Jesus. It's subtler. Brandon can be _way_ more condescending than Jesus. He's more of a suck-up. Likes to think of himself as the good kid, even though I'm obviously the best kid."

Her vanity made Jude smile.

"Should I be worried?"

"No. Moms like you and Brandon's basically moved out. Even if he doesn't like you, they'll still keep you. But, be prepared for Brandon to be judgy. Ever since he went to college, it's only gotten worse."

Jude nodded seriously as they pulled into the driveway. He gathered his things and took a deep breath. He shoved his hands deep into his pockets as he followed Mariana to the door, trying not to think about his blue hair on the hand-me-down shirt from Jesus that he was wearing. He hadn't been self-conscious about those things before – he liked his hair and it was a simple black shirt so its hand-me-down-status shouldn't matter – but, despite Mariana's attempts at assuring him, Jude now just felt worse. Brandon _wasn't_ going to like him and he could _never_ be sure that Stef and Lena would want to keep a foster child in the house.

Mariana opened the front door and they stepped inside. Jude clenched his hands into fists as he kicked off his shoes.

"Mariana? Jude? Is that you?" Stef called.

"Yep!"

"Jude, come here," Stef continued. "There's someone we want you to meet."

Jude's heart plummeted. Brandon was already here?! Jude stayed behind Mariana, following the sound of Stef's voice to the kitchen. Mariana was shorter than he was and Jude kept a careful watch over her shoulder.

"Brandon, hi!"

Jude stopped cold as Mariana threw her arms around her brother – a tall, lanky man with dark hair and eyes. He lingered back against the wall until Stef gestured him forward, putting her hands on Brandon's shoulders.

"Brandon, this is Jude, our new foster kid."

Brandon extended a hand. "Nice to meet you. Sorry for kicking you out of your bed."

Jude faltered at the unexpected comment. "It's, uh, your bed …"

"Well, I'm not really using it, am I? Someone might as well be."

"Oh, thanks."

Brandon released Jude's hand from his own and Jude let it float back down to his side, studying Brandon without saying anything. Whatever he had been expecting, this didn't feel like it. He didn't know why he had expected hostile and angry from Brandon; it wasn't as though anyone at Stef's and Lena's had ever treated him that way. Mariana and Jesus had accepted him nearly as quickly as Stef and Lena had as part of the household. Logic would only follow that the other boy raised by Stef and Lena would be just as accepting. Perhaps it was just the vestiges of the other foster homes, maybe it was because he was staying in Brandon's room, maybe it was because he was so used to being scared that living without the fear was scary on its own now. If he didn't have to be scared, then who could he be? What could he say?

Jude didn't let his mind wander, though it was tempting to. There was too much uncertainty in the upcoming dinner to let himself get distracted by thoughts of the future.

The front door opened and Jude was relieved to know that it was Lena walking in. She, too, wrapped Brandon in a tight hug.

"How was the bus trip down?"

"Bumpy, annoying, but I lived, just the usual," Brandon replied. "Where's Jesus?"

"Running on Jesus time," Mariana scoffed. "I swear, if I find out that he was hanging out with Hailey –"

"You don't get to decide who he dates, love," Stef interrupted.

Mariana looked affronted. "We're _twins_. He's not allowed to disagree with me."

"No one's allowed to disagree with you," Brandon snorted. "That's not a twin thing."

The front door opened again.

"Jesus, you're late."

He stepped into the already crowded kitchen, giving Brandon a one-armed hugged, shaking his wet hair out onto Brandon and Stef. "I had practice! Figured you didn't want me coming home smelling like practice."

"For once, he has a point," Mariana sniffed, as though she hadn't been threatening harm before Jesus walked in.

"What's for supper? I'm starving."

The ringing of the phone cut through Stef's reply.

"Brandon, grab that, would you?"

He left the room and Jude waited for a feeling of relief that he was out of sight, but there was nothing like that, and he had to search inside of himself, trying to figure out if he was still tense or if he really didn't mind Brandon at all.

"We're sorry, Jude, but you'll have to camp out on the couch while Brandon's home. He's home so rarely it just didn't make sense for us to get another bed."

"No, I don't mind," Jude replied. He really didn't, but he would have said it anyway, because Lena looked so anxious over talking to him about it.

"Lena, it's for you," Brandon said, coming back and holding the cordless phone out to her. "Some guy named Adam."

Jude's knees went weak and he fell back against the wall, knowing that everyone was turning to look at him and Lena.

"Hello?" Jude watched her face turn to ash. Lena didn't say anything else into the phone. She just hung up and then turned to him, pushing him insistently by the shoulder. "Get your shoes on. We've got to go."

Jude breathlessly rushed back to where he left his sneakers, Lena hot on his heels.

"Lena, is he dead?" Jude asked, watching her hands shake as she picked up her car keys.

"Call as soon as you can," Stef said, but her words barely registered to Jude, because Lena wouldn't even look at him as she opened the front door.

"Lena, is he dead?" Jude cried, the front door shutting behind him, the sweetness of the night air feeling like an insult.

"I don't know," she whispered, and then she pushed him toward the car.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Raining**_ **by Of Verona; and** _ **Night Go Slow**_ **by Catey Shaw.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	35. Three Of Spades

All of Jude hurt as the car turned into the hospital's parking lot. He had never imagined that he could hurt more, feel more anxious, than the first day that Mariana and Jesus had driven him here, but he had also never imagined that he could be less in the know. He had no idea why Adam had called and neither did Lena, though they both knew that it wasn't going to be good. She had said that he sounded panicked and that he had just said to come. Jude felt haunted and he refused to think about the fact that it might already be by Connor.

Connor wasn't supposed to die like this. He wasn't supposed to die before Jude had a chance to save him. He wasn't supposed to die when he had promised Jude that he would be there in the morning. He wasn't supposed to die while Jude wasn't there to hold his hand.

The car hadn't completely stopped when Jude threw the door open and took off for the entrance. He heard Lena cry after him to wait, but how could she even to think to ask him that? He skidded through the familiar lobby and didn't even think about the elevator button. He wasn't convinced that he was faster than the elevator on the stairs but he knew that he would actually go insane if he was forced to stand inside of the elevator and watch the floors tick by. He raced up the stairwell, his heart pounding and his breath coming in quick gasps. He knew he wasn't supposed to be running down the hospital but he recognized the faces of the nurses when he reached Connor's floor and he was confident that they knew and that they were going to let him get away with it. He was right; no one admonished him as he turned into Connor's room.

"Adam?"

Jude didn't look to Adam, holding Connor's hand and bending over Connor's bedside, and he definitely didn't dare to look at Connor, lying in the bed, instead, he stared straight ahead at the heart monitor. The little spikes where there, rhythmically going up and down with Connor's still-beating heart. Jude fell to his knees in the doorway. Connor was alive.

Whatever else happened, Connor was still alive.

Adam's strong arm went around Jude's shoulders and he picked Jude up off the floor.

"What happened? Lena said you didn't say anything and I was so scared that he wouldn't be here. What happened? What _happened?"_

He burst into tears when Adam sat him down in the visitor's chair, peeking out through between his fingers to make sure that Connor's chest was rising and falling with breaths.

"His heart stopped, Jude. It did and they pushed me out of the room and I knew you'd want to be here."

"Is he okay? Is he going to be okay?"

"Breathe, Jude."

He took a stuttering breath.

"His heart stopped. They were able to get it beating again but it wasn't beating normally. They had to shock him to get it beating normally again. Some idiot used the old paddles instead of the newer ones so there are burns on his chest. I know you two like to sit close so be careful with him."

"Why did his heart stop?" Jude whispered.

"Jude, there you are! Adam, what's going on?"

"It's because he's that sick, Jude. This isn't to the point where this is, you know, it but it's not a good sign." Adam rubbed Jude's shoulder. "Sit with him while I go talk to Lena. He's groggy but he's awake. A little."

Jude's hands shook as he crawled onto the bottom of Connor's bed. Connor's eyes half-opened and quickly shut again. He lifted his hand a little and Jude shifted up the bed further to hold onto his hand, glancing over at Connor's chest, wondering just how badly he was hurt now.

"Don't cry," Connor whispered, his fingers squeezing Jude. "I'm still here."

"You did promise," Jude said, using his free hand to wipe at his cheeks. "Don't scare me like that!"

"I didn't mean to, I promise."

"Are you feeling okay?"

"You can probably guess."

Connor closed his eyes again and Jude nervously looked up at the heart monitor but it didn't seem alarmed. The little spikes were still going along just as Jude thought they should. Connor's chest was still rising and falling with his breath. His fingers curled around Jude's, with about as much strength as they normally had.

"How's your chest?"

"I'm only sore if I move."

"Your dad said that they used the wrong kind of thing? He said it could have been avoided."

"Yeah. Dad can … can tell you." Connor opened his eyes again, his gaze locking on Jude. Jude's heart double-thumped in his chest, and he wasn't sure if it was love or nerves this time. Was a near-death experience enough for Connor to confess? Jude glanced toward the door, where Adam and Lena were definitely within earshot. "Jude?"

"What?"

"Do something for me?"

"Anything," Jude promised, as he always would. "What?"

"Don't go anywhere. Stay. I want you here."

"Do you still promise you're going to be here in the morning? You don't want me to stay because you think you're going to … because something's going to happen?"

Connor shook his head. "No. I just want you here."

"I'll be here."

Unable to squish up next to Connor like he normally did, Jude curled up at his feet like a cat, resting his head on Connor's leg, his hand over his head to hold onto Connor. Adam and Lena stepped back into the room, taking seats on either side of the bed. Lena rubbed Connor's shoulder.

"You feeling okay?"

"I will."

"I hope so," Lena said, leaning back in her chair.

Adam and Lena lapsed into a conversation that was more normal – about her job and about Brandon being home. They didn't say anything that Jude didn't already know and he just laid there on top of Connor's blanket, taking delight in every time he felt Connor move under his head. He just needed the assurance that Connor was there. That, after everything, Connor was still here. All he needed was more time. He needed time to talk to the transplant centre and to figure it out. He needed Connor to be here. He needed Connor to never die.

"Ms. Adams," Connor murmured, breaking the silence that they had been sitting in for so long, "can I ask you something?"

Jude's head lifted, looking up so that he could see Connor's face.

"Of course, what is it?"

"I want to keep Jude," Connor whispered. "Tonight, please? _Please?_ That's all I want."

Jude hid his head against Connor's leg, feeling Connor's fingers tangle in his hair. All Connor wanted was him. He knew it; he felt it. All he wanted was Connor too but actually hearing the words made his skin alight with goosebumps.

"Connor –" Adam started but Connor never let him finish.

"Dad, please? I want … Please."

His voice was waning and pathetic and Jude wanted to cry just listening to him. He closed his eyes and clung to Connor's legs, unable to look at Lena or Adam, as they were undoubtedly sharing looks over the two of them, trying to decide what to do with them.

"I'll stay," Jude said. "I don't mind."

"Well, Adam should be the one staying with Connor tonight, that's all," Lena said carefully.

"I can sleep in the chair, I don't mind, I've slept worse places before. I –"

"Oh, Jude," Lena sighed.

"Please," Jude said, and Connor echoed the sentiment.

"Lena and I are going to go down to the cafeteria," Adam said. "Jude, would you like something?"

"No, thank you."

"Jude, you haven't eaten," Lena said. "And you have to eat something. Soup or sandwich?"

"Sandwich," Jude muttered, thinking that at least he would be able to eat it _faster_. He had absolutely no desire to eat or think or anything, really. He was perfectly happy to just stay, lying on Connor, knowing that Connor was breathing and safe, even though his insides still felt like they were shaking as hard as when Lena received the phone call.

"We'll be back," Adam said.

Jude listened to their footsteps leave the room and then he hid himself more into Connor's leg.

"Jude, look at me," Connor murmured. "Come, talk to me."

Jude forced himself to sit up, crawling so that he was sitting next to Connor's hip. He gathered Connor's hands up in his own. Connor looked and met his eyes for a second and then he closed them tightly.

"What do you want to talk about? Because I'm not so sure that I'm in the mood to talk about anything!"

"It's okay. I'm not dead. I'm right here, just like I told you that I would be."

Jude reached forward to the front of Connor's hospital gown. He felt too forward but he still pulled down the front of Connor's gown, revealing the clear burn bandages that covered the patches of skin where he had been shocked to get his heart back in rhythm. Jude stared at the raw skin for a long time before letting the gown bounce back up. Connor just let him do what he wanted, just watching him with half-dead eyes. Jude took a deep breath and sighed.

"It doesn't look like you were about to be here in the morning."

"I had a moment, before I died."

"Connor –" Tears welled up in Jude's eyes and he took his eyes off of Connor, balling his hands into fists. Connor's hands covered his own and he felt like he was really going to break down now. But he didn't want to do it. He didn't want to do it in front of Connor and especially not when he knew that Adam and Lena were on their way back but he felt the tears coming anyway. "You're not supposed to die."

"I did and I lived. Do you think that means something or do you think that I cheated?"

Jude stared down at the floor, his fingers digging deeper and deeper into his palms.

"Jude? When I died, I … I had a moment."

"What kind of moment?" Jude's mouth moved woodenly and he wasn't sure that he was the one who spoke at all. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to know what Connor was going to say.

"I had a moment where I thought about you and Dad and Mom and Jelly and … I thought that I didn't remember it all perfectly. So, I didn't go."

"So, that's the reason?"

"No. But it's also true."

Connor reached out and grabbed Jude's hand and Jude couldn't help but fall back into his friend, right up against Connor's side.

"You almost died! You seem so relaxed! You can't be relaxed! You almost died!"

"Don't yell at me! The nurses will kick you out."

Jude shut his eyes. He didn't have anything that he really _could_ say to that. Connor had almost died. Of course, Jude shouldn't be yelling at him. Of course, the nurses _should_ kick him out if he was being a jerk. But, Jude just didn't feel that Connor cared that he had almost died. Jude _cared_. Jude wanted to cry at the mere thought of it because losing Connor, especially so close to losing Callie, was going to be the end of him. As nice as Stef and Lena were, they just didn't feel like _family_. They weren't cemented in the way that Callie had always been and in the way that Connor had become. He couldn't lose his best friend. He couldn't lose the first person he had ever loved. He couldn't lose Connor before he knew whether or not he could save him.

"Jude, I –"

"Jude, come here, for a moment, please. Come eat with me."

Well, Jude knew that he was in no place to deny Lena. He squeezed Connor's hand and then pushed himself upright, following Lena into the waiting room that he wasn't familiar with. She put a sandwich in his hand and Jude forced himself to unwrap it, taking a bite, and thinking that it tasted of nothing but sand paper. Lena didn't say anything, just watched, as he finished the first bite. When he was done chewing, he finally looked back at her.

"Is this the part where you tell me I'll see Connor tomorrow and then you take me home?"

"No. Adam and I agreed. He just wants Connor to be happy now and you being here is what's going to make him happy now. I'll go home and pack a bag for you. Stef will pick you up in the morning and take you to the transplant centre so try and get as much sleep as you can tonight.

"Thank you."

Lena rubbed his shoulders. "How are you feeling?"

"I knew, kind of, that it would be bad but watching it happen makes me keep realizing that I don't really know anything at all. This _can't_ happen, Lena. He doesn't deserve that. _No one_ deserves that but I really can't watch it happen to him."

"Oh, Jude."

Lena hugged him but Jude just couldn't take the sympathy. His whole life had been about being tough, being stronger than the things that happened to him. He'd gotten good at it. He'd always been a little bitter about life with Nic, but who wouldn't be bitter about a life that like? He'd kept his head down, done what he'd supposed to do, and everything about his life had crumbled. He had let Connor in and left himself vulnerable and all there was no was pain. And he couldn't handle the fact that he couldn't handle it. He pushed Lena's arms away and set his jaw. Nothing was going to happen to Connor. Jude was going to the transplant centre and he'd get good news and Connor would get a kidney and he would win the fight over his cancer and everything was going to be fine. It wasn't fine now but it would be fine.

He finished off his sandwich quickly before scampering back to Connor's room, not really letting Lena get another word in edgewise. Connor was staring forward, watching a movie play on the TV.

"What are we watching?"

"A stupid, dramatic, made for TV movie."

"Why are we watching it if you think it's stupid?" Jude asked, lowering himself onto the end of the bed.

"Because I've never seen it before."

"Where's your dad?"

"Just taking a walk outside. Nurse Mac said he was looking cagey. Which is true. Dad gets restless just sitting."

"Yeah, I've noticed that," Jude said. "I understand that."

"You never seem that restless."

Jude shrugged and reclined on the bed, making sure that he didn't squish Connor. Like it had earlier, Connor's hand drifted down to gently play with Jude's hair. Jude watched the movie, trying to pay more attention to it than the way that Connor's simple, repetitive touch was raising goosebumps on his arms and making his head spin. He only got threw a few minutes of the crappy on-screen dialogue before Connor's closeness was making his emotions come back in too much force for Jude to handle it. Lying there, letting the silence and the stillness rule the two of them, was too much for Jude. He sat up, dislodging Connor's hand.

"You're right. This movie is stupid."

"Jude?"

"What?"

"Will you read to me?"

Jude would do anything for him and reading was a simple request. He grabbed his copy of _To Kill A Mockingbird_ and settled in next to Connor, but not before asking at least twice if they way they were sitting was bothering Connor's burns. Connor had to assure him at least three times that he was fine before Jude would even open the book to where they left off.

"Start the page before this one, Jude?"

Jude turned back because it was a book and it was that easy.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Believe In Dreams**_ **by Flyleaf; and** _ **When I Go**_ **by Over The Rhine.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	36. Seven Of Hearts

Connor was still asleep by the time that Jude woke up, pushing himself up from the cot to look at the heart monitor. Jude felt as though he had woken a hundred times during the night to do the same thing, except now it was morning. He didn't know why he breathed easier, now that it was daylight. It wasn't as though people only died during the night. It wasn't like bad things didn't happen when the sun was high in the sky but it was morning and Connor had promised he would be here to experience this morning and he was. Jude left the cot and went into the bathroom, changing into his clothes, brushing his teeth, and putting on deodorant. Stef wouldn't be here for a while but he wanted to stay by Connor's side when he woke up; he knew that's where Connor would want him. It was where Jude wanted to be.

He stepped back into the hospital room, the rest of the hospital starting to wake up around him. Jude crossed over to the closed window and slid the curtain to the side. It was so early in the morning that the sun's rays were just starting to really stretch across the sky and Jude just watched it. Things definitely seemed better in the mornings than they did at night.

He turned his head as a nurse came in. It wasn't Nurse Mac; it was a woman, with short blonde hair who always had a little bear pinned to her scrubs. Jude recognized her but he didn't know her name. He was sure that Connor would know her name. Connor rubbed his eyes and squinted at her.

"Hi, Nurse Rose," he muttered.

"Hi, sleepyhead. How are you feeling this morning?"

"Like I was struck by lightning."

"Well, a sense of humour is a good sign," she said. "Come on, time to start waking up. Breakfast will be here soon."

"And medication. And rounds. And someone picking at my chest." Connor closed his eyes. "I'd like to skip it today."

"Oh, well, we know that's not going to happen. Not when we were so glad to keep you here last night. I saw it was a rough one."

"I don't want to be sick today," Connor complained.

"I know, honey, I know."

The nurse sat Connor up and Jude looked away. Connor just sounded so tired. It made Jude feel empty to hear him like that. He watched the sky turn brighter until he heard the nurse leave and breakfast be rolled in. He settled onto the end of Connor's bed, watching as Connor shoved the breakfast tray out of his way.

"No appetite?" Jude asked.

"Good morning," Connor responded.

"Good morning," Jude repeated. "Are you going to eat your toast?"

"No, you can have it if you want it."

"I don't want it, Connor, that's not why I asked. There's a reason they bring you breakfast."

Connor shoved the food even further away from him. "I don't feel like eating."

"Are you feeling sick at all? How's your chest feel?"

"I am sick of being sick!" Connor snapped. "I'm sick of this! I could have _died_ last night and maybe I should have because that's what's going to happen anyway! I don't want to keep staring at this hospital room!"

"Connor –"

"Don't you dare give me a pep talk. I don't care. I don't want to hear it."

Connor crossed his arms low over his chest and looked away toward the window. Jude stared at him for a moment, trying to figure out what to do with Connor's change in attitude. He hadn't ever seen Connor like this: cranky and frustrated. Connor was always so sweet and optimistic. It was what he was used to. Jude didn't know what to say to Connor now but he knew that he had to say something. Connor always had something to say to him. He shuffled a little further down the bed, trying to figure out what words wouldn't make Connor turn colder and angrier. Jude had never seen this side of him and it dawned on Jude that he might not have known Connor long enough to know all of the sides of him.

"It's better because you're here," Jude whispered. He was afraid of Connor's reaction but he knew he _had_ to say it because it was true. "You might get better."

"I won't. We all know that won't. Except for you."

"What about getting one more day with us? Doesn't that matter?"

"Waiting for it sucks. You know it sucks. And, what's the point of having one more day when I can't do anything with it?"

Jude picked at the blanket for a second before admitting, "I don't know what you mean."

"I'm not travelling. I'm not leaving this room. I'm just sitting here and dying a little bit more and losing more of me to it." Connor pulled his hat down lower, over his ears. "I quit. I do. I give up. I need to tell Dad to just take me home. It hurts too much. I _can't_ do it."

He finally turned to look at Jude. Jude was lost in the pained look in Connor's eyes. He didn't know how hard it was to live through what Connor was – he knew it had to be worse than sitting on this side of it, but he sometimes lost sight on how that could possibly be. Like now, when Connor wanted to give up when there were so many people fighting for him to live; when Connor wanted to give up but the devastation of losing him would never heal. Jude would never feel whole again if Connor died.

"What happened to saying you'd fight until the end?"

"I think that was supposed to be the end."

"That's not okay, Connor. You're here for a reason. Who knows? You might get a kidney tomorrow! Someone might cure cancer tomorrow! That's why you didn't die last night!"

"Shut up!"

Jude sat back, affronted by Connor's tone. Then, he toughened himself. He had been shouted at by a lot scarier than Connor and he knew for a fact that Connor wasn't going to lash out at him with more than words. "No. You wanted me here. I don't know why you're being such a jerk but I'll be here when you get over it and apologize. You're sick, it sucks, but you've been fighting it for too long to just give up now and wait for it to come for you."

"Exactly. I've been fighting for too long."

"You don't know what's going to happen," Jude said desperately, thinking of the transplant centre and what he might be able to do.

"I do know," Connor argued. "You just won't see it."

"Because I believe in you and one more conversation and good things coming out of one more day, whether it's another chapter or a TV show or a conversation." Jude grabbed Connor's copy of _To Kill A Mockingbird_ and dropped it on his lap. "What happened to memorizing? What happened to taking things with you?"

"Jake was right. There's _nothing_. There's this moment of thinking of everything you didn't say and then it's just nothing. And, then, I was here again. And, now, I'm waiting for the nothing because it's going to come back."

"Maybe you're here to say those things, then," Jude said desperately, trying to get Connor to latch onto anything that might give him a little bit of hope.

"It's not worth it."

"Connor –"

Jude was cut off by a knock at the door. There was Dr. Meyer, a few doctors trailing in her wake. Jude knew that he had to go and for a moment and so he took himself down to the cafeteria. To his surprise, he ran into Adam, getting coffee.

"Oh, Jude. How was last night?"

"He's, um, in a bad mood," Jude admitted. "A really bad mood. He thinks there's no reason why he should be here and I don't know what to say to him."

Adam rubbed Jude's shoulder. "I know you're doing your best, Jude, but you know it's not your job to make him feel better."

"Well, he's my best friend so it kind of is," Jude said. "He's just more sad than I can fix."

"You're not doing it alone, at least. Why are you down here?"

"His doctors came by so …"

"Oh, shoot, I didn't want to miss them. I'm going to run, Jude."

Jude let Adam take off and he walked up to the counter. He ordered himself a hot chocolate and a muffin. There were cinnamon buns sitting in the display case and all Jude could think of was a little café and how things were so wildly different now. He had never seen any of these developments coming – how could he have? But thinking about what he didn't know then made him too sad now. He sat at the table, eating quickly, knowing that Connor's doctors would be in and out soon enough. He wanted to be back with Connor, even if Connor seemed ambivalent about what was going on around him. Connor had always wanted him there before and, whatever he was going through now, Jude had to believe that Connor still really did want that.

He took the elevator back upstairs, sticking his head around Connor's door slowly. Connor was laying in bed, looking away from his father and he seemed just as angry as he had before Jude had left in the first place. Jude took the seat next to Connor's bed, putting himself in Connor's eyeline.

"You need to eat," Adam said again.

"I'm not hungry."

"You need to keep your strength up."

"What strength?"

"Well, you've got enough strength to be bitter and angry. Don't you want to keep that up?'

Connor didn't look amused and Jude tried not to sigh. The hard expression on Connor's face just didn't fit the boy that he knew.

"Just one piece of toast," Jude said. "The doctors are going to make you eat anyway."

"Then let them force me. I know I don't get a say anymore."

"Connor, come on," Adam pleaded, but that was as far as he got.

"Don't you have to go to work or something? Leave me alone again?" Connor spat.

"I'll call in. I'll stay here with you today." Adam touched Connor's arm but Connor jerked it away. Jude saw him wince and touch his hand lightly to his chest before he caught Jude watching and dropped his hand down the bed. "There's nothing more important to me than you."

"No, you should go," Connor said. "I don't want you here."

"I know you're angry but you don't need to lash out –"

"I'm dying and I get what I want, right?" Connor asked, looking Adam in the eye. "I don't want you here."

"Dr. Meyer has scheduled you an extra psych appointment today. I really hope you'll take advantage of it. I'll come back on my lunch break and if you want me to stay the afternoon with you, nothing would make me happier."

"Just go away now, Dad."

Adam stood away from the bed and Jude saw the way that his expression crumbled before he took a few steps toward the door. He wondered why Adam would just give into Connor like that. But, then he saw the tear roll down Adam's cheek as he glanced back at Connor before forcing himself out the door and Jude understood a little bit better. He knew that Connor was right and that Adam was in too much pain over having a dying son to put Connor through more than his disease already was. Jude stared at his best friend for a moment and decided that the way to be a good friend was to not let Connor get away with it. If Connor didn't want to be treated like he was sick anymore than Jude wouldn't.

" _What_ is wrong with you?"

Connor's forehead lifted in surprise before his scowl came back into his expression. "What?"

"I know you and your dad don't really get along but that was still a really crappy thing to say to him."

"I didn't say anything that wasn't true!"

"So, when you thought you were going to die, that was the thing that you wished you told your dad?" Jude continued. "To go away because you don't want him? He's going to spend the rest of his life missing you."

" _I_ get to make my decisions. Not doctors, not my dad, _me._ I don't have much longer to do it –"

"Because you're just giving up and throwing yourself in the grave?"

"I should already be dead," Connor said bitterly. "I can't do anything with this. It's not even a second chance. It's not even a fix. I can't be fixed."

"Maybe this is your chance to get a second chance," Jude said. "You don't know what's going to happen except that you're here to find out." He grabbed onto Connor's hand, letting all of his emotions pour into his next words, hoping that Connor really felt what he was saying. "Connor, I really love that you're here."

Connor looked up at him with mournful eyes before looking away from him entirely and shaking his hand free. Jude sighed and tucked his hands under his thighs. He wanted to hold Connor again, put his arm around Connor and read to him like they had done into the night. He didn't know what had changed between going to sleep and waking up. Adam was right – it wasn't as if Connor was his job or his responsibility and that wasn't the way that someone _should_ feel about friendship – but Jude would never be able to just give up on Connor. Connor could push him away all that he wanted but Jude was determined to always be there to be pushed away again.

There was a knock at the door and Jude looked over to see Stef.

"Ready to go?"

"Almost. One second." Jude leant closer to Connor again, keeping his words from travelling. Connor didn't so much as glance at him but Jude knew that Connor was listening. "I hope you really talk to that therapist and I hope you're in a better mood when your dad and I come back."

"Maybe I don't want you to come back either."

"It's not going to be that easy to get rid of me. I'll be back later."

Connor half-grunted and Jude pushed himself off the bed, picking up his bag.

"How are you feeling, Connor?" Stef called.

"Fine. Just fine," Connor responded and Jude could tell that even Stef noticed the change in his tone. Stef shifted her gaze to him and Jude just shook his head. It wasn't going to be worth it for her to ask.

She stayed silent until they were in the elevator and then she asked how his night was.

"I read to him all night until he fell asleep. Then, this morning, he just woke up angry. Really angry. I don't know what happened or why he … It doesn't make sense to me."

"Well, a near-death experience is a big deal. Maybe he's just not dealing with it well."

Jude snorted. That felt like an understatement.

"Is he talking to someone?"

"Yeah. Later today. So, I hope that helps. Or he tells me how I can help. I just don't like feeling like I don't know what to do. Which, I guess, I should be used to by now but I … I hate feeling helpless when it comes to Connor. He always knew what to say to me."

Jude sighed and boosted himself in the car. Stef got in the driver's seat, put the keys in the ignition but didn't start the car. She turned to face him and Jude could recognize the maternal look on her face by now. He was even starting to like that she and Lena would look at him like that. Maybe it was stupid but he was starting to feel like maybe they were looking at him like more than a charity case that Lena had taken in because of Connor. Maybe he was a person to them. Jude had never been a person to his foster parents before and he wasn't sure what to do about something like that.

"Jude, even if we don't know how to help people, being there is enough. Connor is going through something that no one can understand unless they've been there and I think that everything you are doing for him is beyond admirable. It's brave. We all love our best friends but not everyone could step up and do the things that you are doing for him. Just be by his side. Being able to look up and see you there, even if he's lashing out, is going to mean a lot."

"Thank you," Jude murmured.

"Do you still want to go to the transplant centre? We don't have to if you don't want to. You can always change your mind."

"I know but I'm not going to change my mind. I need to know if I'm a match or not. I need to know what's going to happen to him. I need to know _something._ "

"Then, let's go."

If there was a silver lining to be seen in Connor's attitude this morning, it was that it had kept Jude preoccupied and he'd had no time to be anxious about visiting the transplant centre. He was too nervous to walk through the doors. He was too nervous to hear the news and see his ILDA and go through everything that was coming up. He hadn't had time to get himself ready for it but maybe it was better, in this case, to not get himself ready. For good or bad, he and Stef were here and he was just going to have to take it.

He stuck tightly to her as they walked through the door. It felt less like a doctor's office than Jude was expecting, though it was very obviously clean and clinical. He sat on his hands as Stef gathered the introductory paperwork from the front desk and confirmed that they had received everything that should have been forwarded to them. He bounced his leg as she filled out the sheet and they were shown to a waiting room where his ILDA, Karen, was introduced to him. She was sweet, with straight hair and crooked teeth, her skin a light brown. Jude liked her and he supposed that was the point, to have someone that he could talk to freely. Talking with her felt exactly like talking to Dr. Shapiro and Jude was getting anxious to hear something different and something new.

Then, Karen introduced he and Stef to Dr. Yang and Jude knew that she knew something. He sat up a little straighter, making sure to pay attention and respond at all the right places when she went over some key points.

"Well, Jude, I've looked at everything that Dr. Drew and Dr. Shapiro sent over, which are your initial test results. As you know by now, there's more to it than what you've already done and a lot more to learn, if you're a match."

"And, am I?"

She looked him in the eye. "Yes, Jude. According to the initial tests, it looks good that you'll be a match for Connor."

Jude slid straight out of his chair and onto the floor, folding his knees up to his chest and hiding his head away in his hands before breaking into a loud sob. His heart was thudding so loudly inside of his chest and it was the only thing that he could hear because he was a _match_. Everything else was conquerable; being a match wasn't something anyone could change. Connor was going to get his kidney. Connor was going to get to live. He was shaking so badly that he was sure that Stef, when she gripped onto his shoulders, was trembling along with him.

"Jude, talk to me," she implored. "What are you feeling?"

"I've never felt like this!" Jude exclaimed and, to his surprise, a laugh escaped him. "I think I'm just that happy! Stef, he's going to live!"

"There are more steps, Jude. A few more tests, the fact that you're a minor foster child … and making sure that Connor is ready for surgery. We're going to need to get into contact with his doctor immediately."

"Her name is Dr. Christine Meyer," Stef said.

"She won't tell him, will she? I don't want him to know what I'm doing until I know I can do it," Jude blurted.

"We'll talk to her about being discreet," Dr. Yang promised. "We want to schedule you an appointment with our psychiatrist right away and we want to make sure that you're seeing Karen on a regular basis, just to check in with you and make sure that you're understanding what's going on properly and that you still feel you're free to make your decision."

"Anything you need," Jude said. "As long as I can do this."

"Mrs. Adams-Foster, you're going to want to petition the courts about this sooner rather than later. From what I hear of Connor, we can't afford to take any longer than we have to."

"As soon as we get home, we'll start making the arrangements. Is there someone here that I can speak with about where to start?"

"Absolutely. We're going to assemble a team for Jude. Remember that we're here for you, so, anything you need – concerns, questions, if you need to talk – there will always be someone here from you."

"Thank you," Jude whispered. "Is there anything more to do today?"

"We're going to get Stef the legal information she needs and we're going to schedule your appointments for early next week. Are you sure you're ready for this?"

"Yes," Jude said. It was the first thing in his life that he had been able to ready himself for. Everything else had just hit him and he had only ever been able to recover.

"All right, let's get going, then."

The sooner the better.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Meant**_ **by Zach Winters; and** _ **Save You**_ **by Simple Plan.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	37. Six Of Diamonds

**Sorry this is late, my apartment flooded yesterday morning and then I worked a ten hour shift.**

 **~TLL~**

Adam was reading the newspaper while Connor slept as Jude walked back into the hospital room. Jude put his bag on the floor and took his seat in the chair across from Adam, pulling his legs onto the chair and trying not to hide his buoyed feelings. He was a match. He was going to save Connor's life and neither of them knew it yet.

"How is he?"

"No different than when we left him this morning, despite talking to the psychologist. He's angry at something. I think it's the fact that this is really hitting him that he's not going to get to grow up. It's hitting all of us." Adam cleared his throat and Jude saw the tears in his eyes. "But he won't talk to me. He won't tell me for sure. I've always been bad at helping him through things but now is when he needs me most and I still don't know what I'm doing."

"He just yelled at me too this morning. I don't … I don't know if that helps."

"It doesn't. At least I knew that he could talk to you about things before, when he couldn't talk to me. Being angry has just never been his style."

"No. He's never seemed angry to me before. Not even about this whole thing. Not like this at least."

"I can't imagine living through it from his end," Adam confessed. "My end is bad enough."

Jude laughed, though it was short and bitter. "That's what I always think."

It made Adam smile a grim smile. "So, where were you this morning?"

"Schoolwork, with Lena," Jude said. "She wants to make sure that I can start at a real school in the fall. I don't think I'm going to catch up, though."

"I'm sure you'll do just fine, Jude."

"Thank you."

Connor started shifting on the bed, pulling at the blanket and then reaching up to scratch at his chest. Adam bolted forward and caught his hands.

"You'll hurt yourself if you do that," Adam warned him.

Connor then went to rub at his eyes and pull at the oxygen tube running underneath of his nose.

"I can't tell if you're being stubborn or if you're just drowsy."

Connor's eyes flickered to look at his father but it was Jude who spoke.

"Stubborn. He's not like this when he wakes up."

Connor dropped his hands back to the bed and narrowed his eyes at Jude but Jude just brushed it off. Connor could be in a mood all he wanted, for now. Jude was going to entertain him or talk him out of it. He was just going to sit there and wait for Connor to get over himself because Jude knew that he had been right when he had told Connor that good things were coming.

"Are you hungry, Connor?" Adam asked.

"I ate."

"I heard you had to eat under supervision to make sure it happened."

Connor didn't answer. He rested himself back into his pillows and closed his eyes, as though he could will himself out of the room. Jude felt bad for him now, looking at him like that. He knew what Connor would give to be anywhere else or be able to do anything else and he almost thought about telling Adam and Connor about where he had really been when he had left the hospital this morning. It was a very brief consideration. He didn't want to tell them until the courts told him that he could. He didn't want to be something else that got Connor's hopes up, only to let him down. He didn't ever want to be someone that let Connor down.

"I want to be alone," Connor rasped.

"No," Jude said. "You don't."

"You don't know me."

"Connor, be nice," Adam said. "Jude knows you very well. Probably better than me."

"Nurse Mac knows me better than you," Connor snapped.

Adam made a face. Connor wasn't watching but Jude was and he watched Adam quickly mask the pain before resting a hand on Connor's shoulder, something that Connor weakly but quickly pushed against.

"I'm going to go get you some water."

Adam left the room and Jude leant forward in his chair, resting his elbows on the side of the bed, feeling Connor's body heat. Connor gave him a flat look but he didn't push him away like he did Adam.

"How was your talk with the therapist?"

"Fine."

"Just fine? No major breakthroughs?"

"What's there to break through?" Connor asked. "I'm going to die. Nothing's going to change it. I'm going to be in pain until that happens. Everything will stay the same."

"But you're not. You're not Connor. Who you were when we fell asleep last night, that was you. Don't let you get taken. I get you're angry about what's happening to you –"

"You don't _get_ anything about what's happening to me. You sit there and watch it but you don't _get_ it. You don't feel it. You're not staring at your body and hating how skinny it is and how it can't do anything. You weren't there when I lost all my hair again and I cried because I had just grown it out to a length that I really liked. You weren't there when I woke up in the hospital and realizing I wasn't getting back out. You haven't lived this, Jude!"

"No, I haven't lived it," Jude agreed. "But, I didn't _choose_ to not be here when you first went into the hospital or when you lost your hair. I would have been here for every bit of it if you had let me. You shut me out once and lied to me. Don't shut me out again, Connor. I want to be here for you, for every part of it."

"So, you still hold that against me," Connor muttered and he turned his head so that he was looking out toe window, his jaw set and his arms crossed over his head.

"You are not hearing me!"

"You aren't hearing me either! Just go away, Jude."

"No." Jude sat back in his chair. "I'm going to be here. I'm not going to miss you for longer than I have to."

Adam walked back into their stony silence, Connor's water in his hand. Jude was steadfastly doing his homework with a concentration that he had never had before while Connor was steadfastly ignoring the room. Adam opened the paper and the three of them sat there in silence. The quiet was slowly driving Jude mad but he wasn't going to be the first one to snap and say something. He chewed on his tongue and failed at math problem after math problem, wishing that he could ask Connor for help but not being able to unbend his pride enough to do it. He also thought that Connor would promptly shoot him down if he did and rejection from Connor would hurt more than anything else.

He was relieved when Lena came in, an hour to the end of visiting hours, and promptly took a seat next to Connor.

"Hi, how are you feeling?"

Jude saw it in Connor's face that he just didn't have it in him to be mean to Lena too.

"Everything hurts, Ms. Adams. I can't breathe without feeling like I'm being stabbed."

Lena rubbed the back of Connor's hand and Connor let her. An irrational bolt of jealousy shot through Jude because he hadn't held Connor's hand at all today. He hadn't been able to cuddle Connor like they normally did and it was all Jude had been wanting to do! He knew that being jealous of Lena was stupid but Jude was only fifteen. He was allowed to be stupid. He wanted to hold Connor's hand but he would probably fall apart when Connor pulled himself away.

"Are the doctors taking care of you?"

"Yeah. I guess dying is just painful."

"How does your chest feel?"

"Chest hurts. Heart is still beating. Everyone seems more excited about that part."

"Aren't you?"

Connor opened his mouth and then shut it, looking over at Adam.

"Okay, I understand." Lena patted his hand and Jude was jealous all over again, for the simple fact that Connor was able to accept her understanding over his.

"How's school?" Connor prompted and Lena talked him through the details of a day at Anchor Beach.

Jude assumed that not much had changed but Connor still listened to her with full attention, asking questions and even responding. Jude glanced over at Adam and he was glad to find that Adam looked like he wanted to chew on the edge of his newspaper as angrily as Jude was biting at the end of his pencil. They both wanted to be the person that Connor was opening up to and responding to but it was neither of them. And Jude just had to wonder why it wasn't. Did Connor really think that Jude didn't know him well enough? He stewed and ignored the conversation around him until visiting hours ended and he and Lena had to pack up and go.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Connor," he said, leaning over the side of Connor's bed.

"Don't feel like you have to."

 _I love you, don't treat me like this._ "I never feel like I have to. With you is where I choose to be."

"Why?" It was the most genuine thing that Connor had said to him all day.

"Because you matter to me, in a different way than anyone else does. So, I'll be here."

Jude wished that Lena and Adam weren't in the room. He wished that it was just he and Connor because he thought that he might have the courage to say it now when they were alone. He might have the courage to say it because, even if it changed things between he and Connor, he and Connor were a kidney match and they would have time to figure out why things had changed. They would have time together. All the time in the world. But they weren't alone and Jude was still just a foster kid that might be sent somewhere else. And, so, he and Connor ended up just staring at each other for a long moment, Jude mapping out how tired and haggard Connor's face was becoming.

"Okay," Connor finally said.

"Okay," Jude repeated and he knew that it was his signal to leave. He turned his back on Connor and let Lena guide him out of the room. When they were in the hall, Jude let out a breath. "Today was hard."

"Stef told me what the transplant centre said! Oh, Jude, I actually can't believe it."

They stepped into the elevator car. "Me either. I mean, I always pictured telling Connor and what it would be like when he actually got my kidney but hearing it from someone else that it's actually going to happen is … crazy. I'm going to get to help him. He's going to get to live."

Saying the words aloud like that made tears spring into Jude's eyes. He stumbled out of the elevator and smiled, even though he caught sight of Lena's expression.

"I know, I know, so much can still go wrong but if this went right, then what else will? That's how I have to look at it! Things are going to go right. The reason he didn't die last night was so that I could get this news today. He's asked me for reasons before and this is exactly it. This is exactly why. He lived so that we can really save his life."

"One step at a time, Jude."

"I've taken one step at a time. Come on. You care about him too. You don't have to be such a realist for a second."

They paused at the trunk of her car and then Lena broke into a bright smile along with him.

"You're absolutely right. There's no reason not to be optimistic right now!"

Lena hugged him tightly and Jude hugged her back.

"I don't think I've ever felt like that!" he confessed, his face hidden against her jacket. "How I felt when she said I was a match! This has to work!" He let his arms drops from around her and looked into her face. "It _will_ work."

"We're all going to do everything we can. Stef and I are going to finish filling out the paperwork tonight and send it off in the morning."

"Thank you. You didn't even have to take me in, let alone do all of this for me."

Lena smiled and tousled his hair. "We're more than happy to do all of it. We're glad that you ended up with our family, Jude."

"I … am too, I think," Jude said. "I mean, I'd rather be with Callie but if I can't, I'm really glad that I am where I am."

It felt like a betrayal to admit it; his tongue felt too big for his mouth as he tried to get his words out. Of course, he'd rather be with Callie and, yet, his life was _better_ with Stef and Lena and he and Callie both knew that. He always had food to eat, a safe house to walk into, and he was going to school. He had gotten the good end of the deal while Callie sat in a juvenile centre, waiting to hear what was going to happen to her.

"Come on, Jude. Let's go home."

Jude got into the passenger seat of the car, chewing on the word 'home' as she drove toward the house that they were both thinking of. He had never had a physical place that he thought of as home. _Callie_ had always been home. When he had walked into Connor's house, he remembered thinking that it felt like a home, the same way that he had thought Stef's and Lena's felt the first time that he visited there. It was strange to think that Lena considered the place they were going to now a home that he belonged to. He didn't think that when she had said _home_ that she wasn't including him in it and Jude felt out of sorts to consider whether or not he felt like he was included there. He had to feel some sort of belonging, didn't he? He was comfortable there. He didn't feel like he was on the fringe of anything, unless it was where Brandon was concerned. They liked him. They had welcomed him, even though he was who he was. He liked these people; these people liked him. And he wanted to be there.

"Dinner won't be ready for a little while," Lena said as they headed in.

"Okay, sure. Um, how long is a little while?"

"An hour or so. Why?"

"I was thinking of touching up my hair, if I had time."

"I think you will."

Jude nodded and headed up the stairs, his feet stuttering in the hallway as he realized he had no idea whether or not Brandon was in the house and whether or not he was in his room. Jude still had to go in; all of his things were there, organized in the drawers that Brandon had left empty when he had gone to college. Jude edged the door open and then he heard Brandon's voice, coming from downstairs where he was telling Lena that he was going to be having dinner with his father tonight. Jude pushed the door all the way open with more confidence, dropping his backpack onto its normal spot on the floor and going over to the dresser, picking up the extra pot of hair dye that he left there before going into the bathroom, not realizing that Mariana was already in it, putting the finishing touches on her make-up.

"Oh, sorry. I'll … come back."

"Don't worry about it," Mariana said. "I'm almost done and you have to get used to sharing a bathroom."

"I shared a bathroom with my sister," Jude said. "I guess that's a lot less people than here though."

"Sharing a bathroom with only one person sounds like heaven … unless that person was Jesus."

Mariana shifted over so that he could see the mirror but Jude just leant against the doorframe.

"Sorry, did you need to pee?" she asked.

Jude shook his head. "Are you going out?"

"No, just trying out a new way of doing eyeshadow. I think it looks okay. What do you think?"

Jude shrugged. He knew absolutely nothing about make-up, except for the fact hat Callie only ever wore it when she went out with Nic. "You're always really pretty."

"Thanks. So, what are you doing?"

"I was just going to dye my hair."

"Oh, do you need help?" Mariana asked, dropping the make-up brush she was holding to turn and look at him. "I'd love to help you."

"You would?"

"Yeah, absolutely! It's going to be hard to make sure you got the back of your own head, right?"

"That's … exactly right."

"Please, let me help."

"I'd like that."

Mariana tucked the make-up brush into the bag sitting on the sink while Jude tugged his t-shirt off and zippered his hoodie back up over his skinny body. He sat down on the lid of the toilet while she took the top off of the jar.

"You might want to wear gloves," he said. "It's _really_ hard to get off of skin."

"Not with make-up wipes and a little bit of moisturizer," Mariana said.

"So, you've done this before."

"You're in good hands," Mariana promised him.

Jude nodded, watching as she dipped her fingers into the pot and started working it through the front of his hair. He tried not to think of Callie. He tried not to think of the times that she would do his hair and how different she was from Mariana. He tried not to wonder if Callie would like Mariana. It was impossible to think of Callie living in a place like this house, even though he knew that Callie would probably like it here, if she could get over Stef and Lena being together, which, he thought that she might, eventually, once she didn't have to be on the defensive to keep him safe.

"Did you ever dye your hair?" Jude asked her.

"I went blonde once, a few years ago. I never did anything fun like your hair."

"Why not?" Mariana seemed like the type of person who would love brightly coloured hair.

"My hair is dark and a pain to dye," Mariana explained with a laugh. "So, I stick to the fun clothes and the fun make-up. Here, turn to the side."

Jude obeyed, watching her blue hands dip back into the dye pot. He couldn't help but think of the time that Connor had the blue dye all over his hands and Jude's heart sunk low in his chest. Where had that Connor gone? That had to be the real Connor, before he was so sick he was confined to a bed, sleeping away the day and taking medications that made it hard for him to sit up. Jude didn't know what to think, slumping forward.

"Everything okay?" Mariana asked.

"Yeah. It's just been a long day."

"Bright side," Mariana said, her tone bubbly, "it'll be over tomorrow."

Jude let out a laugh, despite himself. "Yeah, I guess that's true. It might be just as bad, though."

"That defeats the purpose in being optimistic."

"I didn't know I was being optimistic."

Mariana really laughed at him then. "Here, move your head the other way."

Jude obeyed and then took a chance on asking her another question. "What do your friends do for you when you're having bad days?"

"It depends. Sometimes, we go and get good food. Sometimes, it's retail therapy. Sometimes, we watch movies. Sometimes, we just sit there and talk. Bad days come and go for different reasons, I guess."

Jude tilted his head back. "You sound a lot like Lena. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Don't move your head," Mariana ordered, sorting him back out. "I'm going to take that as a compliment. She's been my mom for a really long time. I'm glad I sound like them."

"I meant it as a compliment," Jude said quickly. He didn't want her to think otherwise. Worse, he didn't want her to tell Lena otherwise. He didn't want to do anything where they might think differently of him or think that he thought badly of them. He wanted to be able to stay here.

"I thought you did. Okay, I need the back of your head."

Jude turned around again, looking down at his fingers.

"What are you thinking about now?"

"Callie, mostly. Connor, too. Callie usually helped me dye my hair but, when I first started doing it, she didn't want me to."

"Why not?"

"It made me stand out. She was scared it would make people notice me."

"What made her give in?"

"I was just more stubborn than she was that time, I guess. I dyed it even after she told me 'no' and she couldn't get her hands on anything that would shave my head."

Mariana laughed. "I guess that's one way to get your way."

"And I think, eventually, she got it. How I needed something to be mine and control."

"I think everyone understands that." Mariana gave his head a final pat. "There. All done."

"Thank you for helping me."

"No problem. I really liked it."

Jude carefully left the bathroom, Mariana returning to the mirror. He had to find somewhere to just sit for a little while.

(-.-)

Jude walked into the hospital the next day, running into Dr. Meyer in the hallway before he got to Connor's room.

"Dr. Meyer, did you hear from Dr. Yang?"

"I did." She smiled brightly at him. "This is a brave, wonderful thing that you're doing, Jude."

"That's what everyone says," Jude said, scuffing the toe of his sneaker along the floor. "It doesn't feel that brave. It just feels like something that anyone would do."

"Not everyone would, Jude. Which is why what you're doing is that amazing."

"Thanks. Did … did Dr. Yang tell you that I didn't want to tell Connor just yet? In case it doesn't work out because I'm a foster kid and stuff. I don't want to tell them until I know for sure what's going on. Is that okay? Is that allowed?"

"For now, yes. We won't get ahead of ourselves. You do still have a way to go."

"Yeah," Jude said. That was another thing that everyone kept reminding him of. "We're going to get there."

"Good, good," she said happily. "You know, I believe that too."

"It's what friends do," Jude said. "And he's my best friend. I'd do anything for him."

Dr. Meyer's expression faltered for a moment and then she recovered. "Well, I'm glad that Connor has a _friend_ like you."

"Is he doing okay today?" Jude asked.

"His appetite is gone and he's spent most of today sleeping. I think he'll be happy to see you. He's seemed pretty lonely today. His father was unable to stay this morning."

"Okay, thank you."

"Any questions you have, Jude, you can come to me. I know that transplant centre very well, though I've never worked with Dr. Yang before, and you're in excellent hands, but it can't hurt to know that there's one more person here for you."

"Thank you. That means a lot to me too."

He said his goodbyes to Dr. Meyer and then he finally walked into Connor's room. Connor was asleep and the room felt hushed. Jude took one of the chairs next to Connor's bed, putting his bag down by his feet. He pulled out his homework, knowing that he hadn't been doing as well with it as he should and that he had his check-in with Lena tomorrow night. He spread his reading out on his notebook and put it on his lap, and then he looked up at Connor's sleeping face, the blue hat pulled down low over his face.

"Good things are happening," Jude told him. "I hope you feel that, even if I can't tell you yet."

Connor didn't move at all and Jude took out his pencil. He started reading, murmuring the words to himself. He still found it hard to read inside of his head but he didn't want to read at a normal volume, since he didn't think that Connor was knocked out, just napping normally. He underlined a few things that might be important later, trying not to look at the clock. He always felt like he was moving at a crawl when he was doing schoolwork and looking at the clock made it worse when he realized just how slow time was actually moving. He did keep looking up every time that Connor shifted and moved. He wanted Connor to wake up because he wanted to see him and he wanted to put the homework down but he was also worried about facing Connor's sour mood today, if it was still in place. Sitting in silence trying to ignore one another was too taxing to do again.

Jude was almost finished with the worksheet that accompanied his reading when Connor finally opened his eyes.

"Hey," Jude said softly, making sure he didn't scare Connor. "How was your nap?"

Connor shrugged and then he squinted at Jude. "You look different."

"I put more dye in my hair last night."

"Oh."

Jude opened his mouth, about to ask Connor how he was feeling, and then he thought better of it. A hundred people had probably asked Connor how he was feeling today and he just had to trust that Connor would tell him if something was different or if there was something that he needed to know.

"Want to watch a movie? Something we actually want to see this time instead of just having the TV on?"

"If you want to watch something."

"We'll see what's there, anyway." Jude picked up the remote from the nightstand and turned the TV on, looking through the guide to see if there was anything that they wanted to watch. Connor was less than interested in anything that Jude asked him about and Jude just tried not to get frustrated. "Action? Horror? Comedy? No movie? Tell me something, Connor."

"I don't have anything to say."

Jude turned the TV off. "Want me to read to you?"

"No."

"Okay. Anything you want to talk about?"

"No."

Jude reined in his sigh. Today _was_ going to be just like yesterday but he wasn't going to let Connor hear his frustration. "Okay. Well, I'm going to do some homework so just let me know if you change your mind."

Connor might have nodded at that or he might have just moved his head slightly. Jude had no idea. He wanted to pull a face but Connor would probably see it and they would end up arguing. Jude didn't know if he would rather the arguing or the silence since both of them hurt. He couldn't focus on his writing and the question he was supposed to be answering. Time ticked by slowly and a nurse came in with Connor's lunch to make sure that he wasn't just going to push the food aside. Connor fell asleep again after that and it was a lot less tense when he did, but Jude just felt like he was missing Connor while he was sleeping. He put his homework down and leant on the edge of the bed, taking Connor's hand in his. Connor's fingers were limp in his own and didn't hold onto him like he normally did but holding Connor's hand eased some of the pain that Jude was holding in his heart.

"You're going to be okay," Jude said but he wasn't completely sure if he was talking to Connor or himself.

Adam didn't come in on his lunch break today and Jude wondered what had happened between the two of them this morning to keep Adam away. He knew he shouldn't ask. Maybe Connor would just tell him tomorrow. Maybe he wouldn't. Jude put his other arm on the bed and put his head down on his forearm, hiding his face down against the blanket. It felt good to hide himself away and just relax, feeling Connor close to him. He had never thought of himself as someone who needed to be touched but he and Connor spent so much time that it was now something that Jude actively missed. He missed being held and cuddled and he missed it being Connor. Even though Connor was driving him crazy now, Jude wouldn't trade any part of him for anything in the world.

He wasn't sure how long they stayed like that but it caught him off-guard when Connor's hand tightened against him and he began to move with wakefulness again.

"Are you asleep?" Connor asked.

Jude lifted his head, propping his elbow up and resting his head on his free hand. He looked down at their conjoined hands and his heart leapt that Connor hadn't shaken him off, like Jude was half-expecting him to when he woke. "No."

"Me either."

Jude smiled at him, even though Connor didn't return the expression, Jude still thought that he looked a little happier than he had earlier. He could hope.

"Was Dad here?" Connor asked.

"No, I haven't seen him." Connor's face fell and, so, Jude hurriedly added, "But I might have fallen asleep and missed him. I don't know."

Connor abruptly yanked his hand out of Jude's and Jude felt empty. "I thought you didn't lie to me."

"I –"

"That's what that was, wasn't it?"

"I just … I didn't want you to feel bad. You've been in such a bad mood that I didn't want to make it worse."

"Thanks," Connor said sarcastically. "Really."

"I'm just trying to be a good friend! You just won't let me!"

"Maybe I don't _want_ you to be my friend!"

Jude imagined that being shot would hurt less than hearing those words. Tears in his eyes and his hands shaking, he started shoving his things into his bag.

"Jude, I just meant –"

"No, you don't get to explain yourself!" Jude snapped. "I don't _care_ what you meant, that's what you said. I'm supposed to be your best friend. I'm your _only_ friend. Look at who else is here with you? Exactly. I have spent most of our friendship worrying about you and being here for you and doing everything I can to make sure that you're happy and you're not alone and you don't get to tell me that you don't want me! You've been a pain in the ass these past two days and _all_ I've done is try and come up with things to do for you and make you feel better."

"Jude –"

"No, screw you. You don't want to be my friend? You don't want to see me? Fine. You won't."

Jude threw his bag over his shoulder and tore out of the hospital room. He made it into the elevator and he sagged against the back wall. His knees desperately wanted to give out on him and just let his body fall like his tears were but Jude knew that he couldn't have a break down in the elevator. He needed to be somewhere else. He needed to be away from people. He wiped at his eyes and tried to keep himself together as he walked out of the elevator, though he was sure that he wasn't doing a good job of it. People averted their eyes as he stumbled out of the building. When he made it outside, Jude realized that he didn't know where to go. Stef and Lena were both at work and he wasn't sure that he wanted to see either of the anyway. He didn't want to admit to his fight with Connor. He didn't want to pour his feelings from inside of himself into the world. He didn't know what he wanted.

He got on the bus just so that he didn't stand in front of the hospital. He sat in the back and thought of the bus rides with Connor and the bus rides without him. He thought of every lonely journey back to his and Callie's attic and how glad he was that he didn't have to ever go back there. The only part of his old life that he missed was Callie's presence. Everything else he was glad to let fade from his mind. And, yet, Jude got off the bus in front of the youth centre. He had fought Callie nearly every time she had told him to go. He had hated it there. He walked by it, peeking in. Norma was still sitting at the front desk and he was sure that she would remember him but Jude didn't go in.

There was nothing for him here.

There was nothing for him anywhere.

Jude walked by the coffee shop but he felt no pull to go in. He couldn't walk in there without Connor. It wouldn't be right to buy a hot chocolate and not get the cinnamon bun to go with it. It was only as good as it was, Jude knew, because they shared it. He kept walking. The streets were familiar but there was no connection. There was no sense of homesickness and no sense of belonging. This place had wanted him about as much as he had wanted it.

Jude ended up on the beach, sitting in the sand and watching the waves roll. He didn't want to be here without Connor either because all he could think of was how much Connor liked the beach and how much better it would be to share a day like today with him. Except, apparently, Connor didn't even want him around. How _could_ Connor say that? How could Connor say that to _him_? Connor loved him. Jude knew that Connor loved him and he knew that Connor was going through something but that wasn't an excuse to lash out at him. Jude didn't deserve it. And it was too damn hard to understand why Connor would say it.

Jude burst into tears, cuddling his knees into his chest and hiding himself away. He took comfort from the fact that no one here was going to know him. No one was going to take the time to look at him. He was going to be left alone, the sounds of the water and the gulls and the rapid beating of his own heart the only things that he had to care about. He could sit here and try and pretend like there was nothing more to the world than this. There was nothing to worry about, there was nothing to do, there was no one to see. It was just the ocean and the ocean didn't care about him. Why should it? Why should anyone? The first person who wanted him had just rejected him. Callie had been forced to carry the burden of him but Connor had _chosen_ him. Connor had spoken to him first, had offered him friendship first, had kissed him first. Connor had chosen him and now he was choosing to send him away.

Jude supposed that everything had to end but he had never imagined that it would end in this kind of way. Connor was just supposed to be his. He was just supposed to be Connor's. Connor was the one that said that they were going to be friends in ten years. Jude was supposed to save his life and find the courage to tell Connor he loved him. This was how this story ended. It didn't end with Connor sending him away and Jude sitting alone on a beach.

Or maybe it did.

Jude peeked his head up, wiping his eyes and nose with his sleeve, watching the sun lower itself toward the water. He didn't know anything. He didn't have any power. He wasn't anyone.

"Jude?"

He wasn't alone anymore.

He frowned and looked up, shielding his eyes from the sun.

" _Brandon_?"

"What are you doing here?"

"Trying to think, I guess," Jude said vaguely, trying to be sneaky in wiping his eyes again. If he was going to confide in anyone, it wasn't going to be Brandon.

"Do you want a ride home? I'm heading out."

Jude looked up at him again and he realized that he should take the offer. He pushed himself to his feet and dusted off his jeans.

"Yeah. Thanks."

He awkwardly followed Brandon to the car, wondering if he should say something or not. Everyone else was so good at starting conversations but Jude didn't know if Brandon would do that. Or if Brandon even wanted to talk to him. He didn't know how much Brandon knew about him, though it might have been too arrogant to think that he was worth talking about and that Brandon knew anything about him.

"I don't miss this place," Brandon said after they were on the road.

"You don't?"

"I mean, parts but, for the most part, I don't feel homesick anymore. I like a bigger city. More people but I get to be more alone."

"Being alone is the worst."

"Then why were you sitting on the beach all by yourself?"

"Because I was left alone," Jude said. "I don't see why someone would choose to be lonely."

"Maybe being alone doesn't mean you are lonely."

Jude mused on that for a second. Realizing that they were closer to the house than he realized, he finally admitted, "I'm not sure what you mean by that."

"Maybe you don't have to."

Jude _really_ didn't know what to say. He couldn't tell if Brandon was being cryptic to try and mess with him or if this was how Brandon really was. He remembered Mariana's words about how Brandon had become a little more arrogant since going off to university and maybe this was just it. Or maybe it was the fact that Brandon had made it to university and Jude was still in the second grade.

He pushed it away. He had enough to worry about. He pulled the visor down and looked at his face in the mirror. His face was a little puffy and his eyes were red. He definitely looked like he had been crying. Being in second grade didn't mean that he was a complete dunce and he knew that Stef or Lena or Stef _and_ Lena were both going to notice and ask. Jude would have to try and answer.

He stepped out of the car and followed Brandon into the house, kicking off his shoes and putting his bag by the door. He could hear Jesus upstairs, talking loudly, and he could hear Stef and Lena in the kitchen. Brandon shouted an 'I'm home' before taking off up the stairs and Jude didn't know what to do to himself now that Brandon was back in his proper place in his room. He padded into the living room and sat down on the couch, staring at the black screen of the television. He understood Connor's disinterest in watching things now and maybe it was the most he had understood Connor in days.

"Oh, Jude, you're home too! We were just trying to figure out who was going to go pick you up at the hospital," Stef said.

"Brandon gave me a drive."

He looked up at Stef and he could actually see her stop and take in his face.

"Is everything okay? Do you want to talk about anything?"

Jude shook his head, feeling the tears pricking at his eyes again. "No. Is it okay that I don't want to talk about it?"

"Of course!" Stef sat down on the couch next to him. "If you change you're mind, we're right here to listen."

"Thanks." Jude struggled to take a deep breath. "Will you just sit with me for a while?"

"Yes, love, whatever you need."

She rubbed his shoulder and the tears just leaked faster down Jude's cheeks.

He just didn't know what to do.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Don't Go My Darlin'**_ **by The National Parks; and** _ **Soon Goodbye, Now Love**_ **by Tom Rosenthal.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	38. Ten Of Hearts

For what might have actually been the millionth time that day, Connor reached for the phone before pulling his hand back. If he had hair left, he'd probably be tearing it out in frustration at himself. As it was, he kept considering pulling out all of his medical tubes and wires and standing up and leaving the hospital. He didn't think he'd make it very far – he'd collapse in the elevator or a nurse would corner him in the hallway – but the later in the day it got, the more he considered it and the more he hated himself.

Jude hadn't come to see him today.

He wasn't surprised. If he were Jude, he wouldn't have shown up either. It was also why he couldn't make himself pick up the phone and call Jude. If Jude wanted to see him, Jude would be here. And Connor didn't know what to say to Jude either because he had already said way too much. He knew that he hadn't been a good friend to Jude the past few days, even though Jude had been a very good friend to him, as Jude had always been.

But what he had said yesterday … It wasn't how Connor had meant it. The way it had come out, the way that he and Jude had already been arguing, and the way that he had been acting before that, Connor knew why Jude had taken it the way that he had. He understood why Jude hadn't stood around to hear him out and he understood why Jude wasn't here now. Connor hated all of it with every fiber of his being because Connor had just been trying to tell Jude the truth. He was trying to get out the words that he realized he needed to tell Jude in the moment he had realized he was dying.

He was trying to tell Jude that he didn't want Jude as just as a friend. He was trying to tell Jude that he loved him. He knew that it wasn't going to matter in the end. He couldn't change that Jude didn't like boys and he couldn't change that Jude would only ever look at him like a boyfriend but Connor had thought that he should say it. He thought that Jude should knew and he thought that, when he died again and when he died for real, he would want to die knowing that he had said it, at least once.

Now he knew that he should have just kept his mouth shut. Then, he wouldn't have driven Jude away and he wouldn't have lost the person that meant the most to him. He didn't know what to do with himself without Jude anymore. He just wanted to look over and see Jude's bright blue hair and dark brown eyes as he talked about school or Callie or read or anything. He craved Jude's presence so much that he wondered if it was possible to be addicted to a person.

"Jude, I'm sorry I'm late, I –" Ms. Adams stopped in the doorway. "Where is he?"

"He didn't come today," Connor whispered, a deep sense of shame overcoming him as he admitted it. Jude wasn't here and it was all his fault.

"What?" Lena frowned and then promptly took the chair next to his bed. "Honey, I don't want to push but he was _very_ upset when he came home last night. Did something happen?"

"Did Jude tell you about it?"

"No. He didn't want to talk about. He was very quiet last night."

Connor wavered for a moment. Ms. Adams had been his to trust first but she was Jude's foster mother now. If Jude hadn't told her, maybe it was because he didn't want her to know. His heart ached and Connor thought that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to give her a detail or two.

"We just kind of had a fight. My fault, not his, and he's right to be mad. I just wish he was here and mad."

Ms. Adams watched him, like she was expecting him to give her more details and he really did want to but he just didn't want to take away Jude's chance to tell her.

"My dad's mad at me too," Connor added, his bottom lip trembling. "I'm a pretty bad person."

"Oh, Connor …"

She reached out for him but Connor didn't deserve her comfort and he tucked his hand away from hers.

"Ms. Adams, will you tell Jude …" _Tell Jude I'm sorry. Tell Jude I love him. Tell Jude I've done nothing but think of him._ "Will you tell Jude I-I-I understand but I hope I'll see him soon."

"Okay. Do you want to call him, Connor? Do you have our number?"

"I do. I just … If he doesn't want to talk to me then I don't want to make him talk to me."

"All right. Would you like me to sit with you?"

"No, thanks. No offence, Ms. Adams, but you're not really who I want to see right now."

"None taken. When there's someone that you really want to see, it's hard for other people to measure up, isn't it?"

"It's, like, I'd rather be alone than have it not be Jude."

"Okay, I can take a hint." Ms. Adams stood and looked down at hi for a second. "Friends fight, you know. It doesn't mean they're not friends anymore."

"I'll believe it when he talks to me again," Connor said, forcing himself to smile, like he really didn't believe that Jude was never going to speak to him again.

"He will. You'll see him tomorrow, I bet."

"I'll believe that when I see it too," Connor said.

He let the smile drop away from his face as soon as Ms. Adams was gone. He fell back against his pillows and closed his eyes, taking deep breaths and imagining that Jude was going to walk through the door soon. He knew it wasn't true and he just felt empty all over. Jude's daily visits had been his source of strength and it was so much harder to care when was all alone and had forced away everyone that had just been trying to care about him.

He turned onto his side, even though it made his chest hurt more, because it didn't matter.

What was that pain compared to his broken heart?

(-.-)

Jude nibbled at the end of a carrot, not paying any attention to the conversation going around the dinner table. He kept glancing over at Lena but she didn't seem to notice his looks and it wasn't as though he wanted to really talk to her anyway. She had come home and given him Connor's message and Jude had felt suspicious ever since. _I hope I'll see him soon_? It didn't sound like something that would have come directly from Connor's mouth. It sounded like something that Lena would have doctored – not made up completely but changed slightly, either through remembering it differently or wanting to soften the blow of what was really on Connor's mind.

He couldn't keep himself from being slightly annoyed at everyone and he couldn't stop it. All day long, he had been climbing the walls of the house, knowing with absolute certainty that he was supposed to be somewhere else and, yet, he hadn't left the house. He hadn't gone anywhere. He had been chomping the bit all day while guilt set in. What if he was sitting here and Connor was dying? What was he sitting here for? Pride? Stubbornness?

He was sitting at home on the couch because Connor had broken his heart and Jude just wasn't ready to look at him again. He was sure that anyone who had been hurt the way that he had been hurt would agree with him. That, even though every day might be a last day for Connor, it didn't mean that Jude should force himself into forgiveness. Jude was allowed to feel what he was feeling and Jude was just feeling hurt.

He carried his sulkiness around with him all night and if he still had a room to claim as his, he probably would have retreated to it long ago. As it was, he ended up sitting on the couch, watching the rest of them laugh along to a movie while he chewed on his fingers and daydreamed of going to bed, just so that he wouldn't have to think about anything anymore. But Stef and Lena were clearly delighted to have their son in the house again and Mariana and Jesus had clearly missed their brother and, so, who was he to be annoyed that they were all camped out in what was supposed to be his bedroom. He was a foster kid. And foster kids were nobodies. They didn't matter. It was the one thing that Jude remembered from the system. Foster kids weren't real kids and only read kids mattered.

 _Finally_ , it seemed that they all seemed to tire of movie time together. Mariana had a project she needed to finish, Jesus and Brandon had somewhere they wanted to be tonight, and Stef and Lena had work in the morning. The kids cleared out first and Jude was left alone with Stef and Lena.

"What do you think, Jude? Are you ready to go to bed?" Stef asked.

"Yeah, I guess so. I just don't want to be awake anymore so I should probably just go to sleep."

"Okay. We'll just be upstairs if you need anything," Lena said. "You never know what will happen in the morning."

That was the problem. Jude had no idea what tomorrow was going to be like. He didn't know if he was going to see Connor tomorrow. If he did go and see Connor, he didn't know what would be said. If he didn't go and see Connor, he didn't know what he would do. He did have a vague idea of what _he_ would feel like if he didn't go and see Connor and that was a lot like he felt like today and Jude hated how he had felt today. Yet, Connor hadn't called him or tried to make it right, except for that message through Lena and Jude had to really wonder how much Connor really did miss him. Connor had told him to go in the first place. Connor had said they weren't really friends. In the end, what was he really supposed to do with that?

He bid Stef and Lena goodnight and curled up on the couch. Whether the morning was good or bad remained to be seen. For now, Jude just had to figure out how to fall asleep.

(-.-)

"Jude! Phone!"

His pyjamas still on and his breakfast uneaten, Jude left the kitchen and took the cordless phone from Brandon's hand, his heart thudding double time in his chest. The only person who would be calling him was Connor and Jude didn't know if he was entirely ready for that interaction.

"Hello?"

"Did I wake you up?"

" _Callie_?!" Confused, Jude started up the stairs, wanting to keep his conversation to himself. "Why are you calling me today?"

"I have to start meeting with the lawyer on Tuesdays so I'm going to start calling you today instead but this is kind of early, isn't it?"

"I was already awake," Jude said blearily, closing the door to Brandon's bedroom behind him. The bed was unmade and he felt too awkward to sit there and so he sat on the floor, his back against the door. "How's your lawyer? What's going on?"

"So, I can reduce my sentence if I roll on the rest of them –"

"Do that," Jude said. "Reduce it. Get rid of it. Whatever they want."

"I'm not going to be able to get rid of it, Jude. I was a willing participant –"

"To take care of me," Jude interrupted. "Does that matter at all?"

"Apparently not," Callie said and she sighed. "I'd do it all again. I'd do it all for you."

"You were right, though, all along. It wasn't something that you should have had to do. You were a kid too."

Callie was quiet for a long minute.

"Are you happy?" she asked finally. "How are … Stef and Lena?"

"They're still really great. I'm in school. It's … what you wanted for us. You should be with me," Jude said, his fight with Connor weighing on him. Callie should be the person that he could turn to but he couldn't help but wonder if she would be glad if he and Connor were fighting, because it would make him seem a little less gay and a little less of a target.

"I'll be with you again someday."

"How long is the reduced sentence?"

"I don't know," Callie admitted. "I haven't told them anything yet because my lawyer is still working on the terms of the deal. I'm still looking at a few years. I did enough wrong."

"Can I come see you?" Jude begged, like he did every time he spoke to her. "Please. If they move you somewhere else and I don't get to come now –"

"I'll see you when I get out," Callie said, like she did every time she spoke to him.

"What if it's years from now? Callie, I need to see you and make sure that you're okay."

"I'm fine, Jude. I'm the one taking care of you –"

"You did that. Take care of you, now that you know I'm okay."

Callie sighed again. "You grew up too fast."

"So did you."

They were quiet for a moment, just listening to each other breathe, but that was something that Jude missed about Callie too. He missed just knowing where she was. He missed hearing her move about in the other room. He missed the casual exchange of information between two people who lived together and cared about each other.

"Promise me you're going to get out of there as soon as possible," Jude said. "I need you back in my life for real."

"Is something going on?" Callie asked and Jude could tell, just from her tone, that she was frowning. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm totally fine."

"Is your friend okay?"

Jude loved her for asking, as awkward as she sounded about it.

"Yeah, he's doing fine."

"Who answered the phone? Was that Jesus?"

"No, that was Brandon."

"The bio kid?"

"Yeah."

"And how's he?"

"Fine. We don't really have anything to talk about so we just mostly stay out of each other's way," Jude said. "Everyone here is fine. I think they like me. I know I like them."

"Do you promise me that you're all right?" Callie asked.

"I promise. Do you promise me you're all right?"

"As all right as I can be. Don't worry about me."

"Don't worry about me," Jude echoed. "I love you, Callie."

"I love you too. I'll talk to you next week, okay? Maybe not as early."

"I'd like that," Jude said.

"Okay," Callie said and he could tell that she was reluctant to hang up. He was too. "Bye."

"Bye."

They hung up and Jude was left staring at the phone in his hand. He couldn't just sit around, as much as he wanted to let the heaviness hang over him. Jude pushed himself to his feet and got dressed before taking the phone back downstairs. He slowed near the bottom of the steps when he heard his name. Even though he hadn't meant to eavesdrop on Brandon, Lena, and Stef, that was exactly what he was doing.

"Mom, are you sure?" Brandon asked. "He doesn't seem like a bad kid but …"

"You've been home all of three days, love," Stef said. "We've gotten to know him and we think that we're making the right decision."

"We're just worried about how he's going to take it. Jude isn't so good with change and we … well, we aren't convinced that we think it's a good thing."

"But you think it's a good thing?" Brandon clarified.

"Yes," Stef said, sounding certain.

"Have you talked to Mariana and Jesus?" Brandon asked. "Mariana, in particular, seems to like him."

"Oh, we have but we just don't know how Jude is going to take it. We know our family," Stef said. "He's an untrusting kid –"

"Not without reason," Lena added. "But, all he's ever known is his sister and bad foster parents. And now, with Connor and the kidney donation …"

"It's about waiting for a better time and if that's the better idea," Stef said. "We're still not sure about how to bring about the topic but we just thought, well, with you home so rarely, we don't want to make big changes while you're away."

"I'm not sure you need my opinion on this," Brandon said. "It's not like my life will end up any different. It's Jude."

"Yes, and that's our first thought, and our hesitation," Lena said.

"I would say just say it," Brandon said. "You know, let him think about it but just say it."

Jude placed the phone back in the cradle and walked out the front door, shutting it quietly behind him. On the front porch, he laced his sneakers and then he started walking. They wanted to get rid of him. Stef and Lena didn't want to foster him anymore. They didn't want him. That was as far as Jude's thoughts got, even though it wasn't a short walk to the hospital. He couldn't get past the fact that they didn't want him and he hadn't even seen it coming. The only reason they were debating keeping him was because of Connor. Jude could understand that. Why let being tired of Jude get in the way of saving someone else's life?

He walked straight into Connor's room, glad that it wasn't early enough that Adam wasn't there. He didn't even take the time to appreciate the relief on Connor's face at seeing him again and he didn't even register Connor's exclaim of: "Jude! I missed you. I –"

Jude interrupted him. "I hope you're happy. You don't want to see me again? Fine. You don't want to be my friend? Fine. You know why? Stef and Lena are giving me up. I'm going to be forced back into the type of foster home that Callie and I ran away from and I'm not going to be allowed to see you again. I'm going to move and this is going to be the end of us. Is that what you want?"

Connor sat up, stretching both hands toward Jude. "No, that can't be true. Jude –"

"It is true! I heard them this morning!"

"Jude, you're not going anywhere."

"What do you know?" Jude demanded, standing in the hospital room and feeling his knees shake. "Nothing about the system, that's what! No one wants kids like me and I should have seen this coming but I didn't! And I don't care if you don't want to be my friend because right now, I need you to be mine!"

Connor leant even further toward him, his hands stretching out, his body going as far as his medical leads would let him. "Jude, I _am_ your friend. Come here."

Jude crawled in the bed, curling up against Connor.

"Oh, ow, watch me there though."

Jude recoiled his hand from the spot on Connor's chest, burying his face down on Connor's shoulder. Connor held him tightly.

"Jude, they're not going to get rid of you."

"You don't know that."

"And I'm so sorry," Connor said, his voice cracking. "I'm so sorry. I just meant –"

"I don't care," Jude admitted. "I don't. I just need to know you're sorry."

"I'm so sorry. I am. You're my best friend and I don't want you anywhere else."

Jude hiccoughed as Connor tucked their foreheads together.

"Think your dad will take me?"

"Yes. If that's what it takes."

Connor's arms tightened around him, even though there wasn't any strength in his arms, Jude still buried himself down against Connor, letting Connor be strong for him.

"I don't want to go," he whispered. "I like it there! I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know why they decided this! I want to stay with them! I can fix it. I can!"

"Did you talk to them?"

"No, I just heard them talking about it. I'm avoiding it. I don't want to go!"

"Maybe you won't. Maybe it will be all okay."

Connor's hand ran along his back and Jude just fell into him, trying to get himself under control. He shouldn't be shaking. He shouldn't be losing it like he was. He hadn't been living with them for too long and it shouldn't have surprised him at all that no one wanted to keep him and, yet, Lena had enrolled him in school like he was going to be with them in September for her to get him through. They had made him feel like he had a place and it just wasn't fair of them to do that and then immediately kick him out. The next place he went wasn't going to let him see Connor. The next place he went wasn't going to let him talk to Callie. The next place he went was going to be like all of the foster homes from before and Jude had lost his protector.

"You're not going to go anywhere."

"I know what I heard!"

"I know. But you just can't go … I'll miss you. I missed you yesterday."

"I missed you too," Jude murmured, feeling a little too embarrassed about the display of emotion that he was putting on.

"I'm sorry."

Jude nodded because he felt that it was the truth. He felt the sincerity in Connor's voice and he knew that if there was one person that he had to trust, it was Connor. Jude just couldn't be without him. He had never thought about giving up the life that he had now because he had already given up so much. He had been stupid. He had been lulled into a false sense of security because they were good people and they had really seemed like they had wanted to help him. Maybe they had but maybe it was just because they were good people. And Jude just wasn't good enough. He was a drain and a burden. He had asked them to do too much. They had other children. They had real children.

"Oh, Jude, there you are!"

He flinched at the sound of Stef's voice, peeking up from Connor to see both her and Lena standing in the doorway.

"Aren't you supposed to be at work?" he mumbled.

"We didn't even hear you leave the house this morning. We needed to make sure we knew where you were," Lena explained.

"Well, I'm here," Jude said quietly, ignoring Connor's nudging. He wasn't going to bring it up. "I'm okay."

"Are you sure?" Stef asked. "You look a little off, Jude."

"I'm fine."

"Ms. Adams," Connor said, and Jude closed his eyes. He didn't want Connor to say it but he also wasn't about to stop Connor from saying it. Just because Jude wasn't going to rip the bandage off himself didn't mean that it shouldn't come off. "I think you should go and talk to Jude in the waiting room. Both of you."

"All right," Lena said, and Jude could tell that she sounded confused. "Did something happen?"

"Kind of," Jude muttered, sitting up, though he wasn't quite ready to pull his hand free from Connor's. He was looking into their faces and he could tell that they had no idea what was going on and that hurt more. When _had_ they been planning on telling him? If he hadn't heard them this morning, how long would he have gone on thinking that everything was absolutely fine?

"Let's go talk about it," Stef said.

Connor squeezed his hand and Jude stood up from the bed. Stef led the way to seats in the waiting room while Lena walked close to him. They sat on either side of him and Jude felt a little caged in.

"What do you need to talk about?"

Jude looked from one of them to the other one and then he stared down at his shoes, taking a deep breath. "I, um, I heard you this morning. Talking to Brandon."

"Oh, Jude," Lena said. "That wasn't how we meant for you to find out. Is that why you ran out the door this morning?"

Jude hung his head. "I didn't want to talk about it."

"We were going to talk to you soon," Stef said. "We weren't sure about how you were going to take it but we hoped that you were going to think of it as a good thing, even if it was a hard thing."

"A good thing!?" Jude exclaimed. "How? I really did kind of feel okay with you and you're going to send me away? Why would I see that as a good thing?"

Neither of them said anything and Jude's cheeks flamed from his outburst. _That_ was exactly why they were giving him to different foster parents. Lena's hand touched his and he pulled away from her. He couldn't be comforted through this.

"Jude, that's not what you heard this morning," Stef said.

"Don't lie to me. I know what I heard."

"Okay," Lena said slowly. "I have no doubt about what you heard but you're putting it in the wrong context. We weren't talking to Brandon about sending you away. We were talking to Brandon about adopting you."

" _Adopting me_?" Jude repeated, unable to wrap his mind around the words. He was fifteen. Fifteen-year-old kids didn't get adopted.

"Yes. We were worried about what you would think because you haven't been with us for very long but when something is right, it feels right, and we feel that our family is complete when you are in the house with us," Stef said.

"And, we know that it's going to be harder to think about being adopted when you think of Callie," Lena added. "And we want you to know that she will always have a place with us too. Your family is our family. When she gets out, she will have somewhere to sleep and food to eat. We want to make sure that neither of you are alone again."

"I don't know what to think," Jude admitted.

"And that's okay. We know that it's a lot to think about," Stef said. "Take all the time you need. Know that Brandon, Mariana, and Jesus think that it's a good idea. They want you as a brother."

A brother. To be a brother to someone that wasn't Callie. To have parents that chose him.

"Think all you want," Lena said. "But, if you decide that being adopted isn't right for you, know that you're still welcome in our home. We're not going to turn you out. We love you, Jude, and we want you in our lives."

They loved him.

Jude felt like the whole world was spinning.

"I … I need … I need space." He couldn't breathe. His bones even felt empty.

"Do you want us to go?"

Jude nodded at Stef. He just wanted to be back with Connor. He just wanted to not look at them. He just wanted to feel like he understood what was going on around him.

"Okay. We're a phone call away if you change your mind and want to talk to us," Lena said. "We'll come pick you up tonight."

"Okay. Bye."

"Bye."

Jude left them behind and made it back to Connor's room, feeling unsteady all the while. He felt like he was trapped in a haze and nothing was coming into focus for him. They wanted to _adopt_ him? Adopted! Him! He would have a new name. He would have a new family. It would just be one ore thing to come between he and Callie. They wouldn't even be bonded in name anymore. So much had changed. Jude wasn't sure he was ready for that to change too. But if turned down the adoption, wouldn't they feel slighted? They might not think that things would change and that their feelings would stay the same, but Stef and Lena couldn't know that for sure. Just like Jude couldn't be sure of anything.

"Hey, what happened?" Connor asked. "Are you okay? What … Are they really giving you up?"

"Um …" Jude sat down on Connor's bed, trying to gather his words. Connor's hand reached out and Jude watched the trembles before grabbing onto him and holding the both of them steady. "No … No, they want … They want to a-a-ad-adopt me."

"Jude!" Connor started to smile and then it started to fade as he looked at Jude. "Is that not a good thing?"

"It's supposed to be a good thing, I think," Jude murmured. "I know they want me to be happy about it. But there's just so much … It's so much."

"Are they making you figure it out now?"

"No," Jude said. "But, I should know now, shouldn't I? Shouldn't it be something that you just _know_?"

Connor shook his head a little at him. "I look like a jerk."

"What? Why would you say that? What does that have to do with anything?" Jude demanded. He was freaking out and Connor was talking about himself? What did that have to do with anything at all?

"I didn't say it."

"You just –"

"You said it and you were so distrustful of me for so long –"

"Well, you _were_ lying to me."

"Jude, you didn't know. There's no way that you knew that we were going to be like this. It's okay to not know, especially right away. What you do know is that Stef and Lena also know that."

Jude sighed. "I just didn't see it coming. I don't … I don't know what to think. I feel like I'll just be thinking about it forever and I won't know. I'll never figure it out!"

"Jude?"

"What?"

"That's okay too."

Jude face-planted into the bed and let out a long groan. He felt like he was spinning at a hundred miles an hour. He couldn't even bring himself to roll into Connor and cuddle him, even though Connor was clearly trying to cuddle Jude. In the end, Connor ended up petting his hair as Jude remained motionless, face down in the blankets and trying to calm his spinning thoughts. _Adopted_?

"Jude?"

"What?"

"I'm, um, going to fall asleep soon. I just don't want to do that before I know you don't want to talk."

Jude rolled over, the lights of the hospital feeling too bright after the tie he spent in darkness. He and Connor fit around one another so that they were both lying on their backs, staring up at the ceiling.

"I don't think so. Maybe I'll have something to say by the time you wake up."

"Maybe."

Jude didn't really think that he would have anything new to say. He couldn't imagine where a breakthrough was going to come from while he was sitting here but he would much rather be sitting here than thinking of going back to Stef's and Lena's house. Would they be waiting to talk about it? Would they bring it up?

"Jude?"

"What?"

"If my dad comes, will you give him the note inside of my book? It's in the back."

"Okay. What's the note to your dad for?" Jude asked, staring at him with sudden concern. Was Connor handing out goodbye letters? Jude just couldn't take that now.

"You're not the only person I've been a jerk too but he won't … You two are different."

"Different how?"

"You yelled at me. Called me on it. Let me apologize. Dad just comes in and sits and he won't let me say anything. Which, I get. I said some terrible things but I wasn't feeling right."

"Not an excuse."

"An explanation," Connor corrected. "Anyway, I thought I could make him listen to me if I wrote it down."

"I'll make sure he gets it," Jude promised.

It wasn't long before the nurse came in with Connor's medication and he was asleep. Jude sat up slightly and looked down at his best friend before he looked over his shoulder to see if anyone was about to walk in. Seeing no one, Jude pulled down the front of Connor's hospital gown again, looking at the burn marks on his chest again. They didn't look like they were any better than the last time that he had looked and, even though it had only been a few days, Jude was hoping to see that they were looking so much better. He just wanted a reason to feel less worried but he knew that he wasn't going to get one. His eyes drifted from the burns to how skeletal Connor looked and then Jude quickly put the hospital gown back into place.

"I'm taking the last round of tests tomorrow," he told Connor. "It looks good. Looks like I'm going to be a good match. Stef and Lena just need to hear back and … then you'll be okay. You just have to hang on until you're okay."

Connor didn't stir but Jude hadn't expected him to. He never did. Jude took Connor's hand in his own and just sat there with him and watched him breathe. It was something rhythmic to calm his thoughts and he just wanted to pluck his own eyeballs out when he let his thoughts get too far away from him. He didn't want to talk about it anymore, not really, because he had nothing new to say. Not to Connor, not to Lena, not to Stef. He was worried that Mariana or Jesus or Brandon would ask him about it because he wouldn't have any idea what to say to them. Even if Stef and Lena didn't feel rejected, they might, and Jude had to admit, that he liked them. Particularly Mariana who definitely seemed to like him. It was thinking of Mariana that made Jude realize that the only person he could talk to was his sister. But Callie was so far away and Jude couldn't just call her whenever he wanted. Maybe she would have the breakthrough he wanted. Or maybe he would have it before he talked to her again and he would know what he wanted.

He was so lost in thought that he jumped when Adam walked into the room.

"Oh, Jude, you're here today."

"Yeah." He didn't want to talk about the day that he had spent sulking at home. He shouldn't have done it. He should have been here, even if he was mad. "Oh, Connor wanted me to give this to you."

Jude pried his hands off of Connor's and reached for Connor's copy of _To Kill A Mockingbird._ He flipped through the pages quickly, finding the note tucked into the back few. He pulled it out and handed it to Adam, who just tucked it into his pocket without unfolding it.

"You're not going to read it?"

Adam shook his head. "No, I read it yesterday, when he fell asleep writing it. He, uh, doesn't want to be in the hospital anymore and I … I don't know how to tell him that I can't bring myself to take him home."

"What do you mean?"

"Did he tell you that he wanted me to take him home?"

Jude nodded.

"He wants me to take him home to die. I know that he's given up on the miracle and I can't blame him for that. He's the one in pain. He's the one they're medicating and prodding and shocking back to life. And, I know the reality, but it's not over until he's really dead and until then, there's a part of me that's hanging onto the hope that there is a kidney out there and that he will get it in time."

Jude bit down on his lip, thinking _you're talking to the kidney_. "I know how you feel about all of that."

"If I take him home and his heart stops again or if I take him home and he gets a kidney but I can't get him to the hospital in time … I mean, he was in the hospital the last time we had a kidney match and he still didn't get it. I don't think I could live with myself if I took him home because I would always wonder: if I left him here, with all of this care, and all of these doctors, would he still be here? But how do you deny your dying son his last wish? I'm being a coward, Jude, and I know that."

"I don't know what to tell you."

"No," Adam said, and he sounded startled. "Why would you? You're only fifteen."

"Connor's almost sixteen," Jude said.

"A couple of weeks," Adam said. "I want him to have his birthday so badly. I didn't know his fifteenth birthday might be his last one. He was actually doing okay this time last year. He'd been finished with his last round of chemo for long enough that he was keeping food down and he had energy. We went to a baseball game. He had a chocolate cake. We even played a little bit of catch in the backyard. I don't remember the last time we did that."

"It sounds like a good day," Jude said, looking down at Connor. It had been so long since his best friend had been healthy.

"It was. And he did pretty good until last … It was the end of July or the beginning of August and that was when his test results started looking kind of bad again." Adam rubbed at his eye and then reached forward to adjust the brim of Connor's hat. "I know it probably won't be a good day by anyone's standards but I still want to have that day, Jude. Every time something happens now, I keep thinking that I have to remember it because it'll probably be the last time. The last time he reads that chapter or watches that movie or … But you've probably thought about all of that already."

"I have. Even though I know you are thinking about it too, though, I like hearing that you are," Jude admitted. "'Cause I know Connor's thinking about it but I think it's different for him."

"Yeah, I think it is too."

Adam looked at the time. "Jude, I'm going to talk to him about this note tomorrow morning so if you walk in and he's in a bad mood –"

"I'll know why," Jude surmised. "Okay. I'll keep that in mind."

Adam excused himself from the room and Jude picked up Connor's hand again.

"You'll be okay," he told Connor. "It wasn't your last birthday. This one won't be either. I promise."

Jude looked over his shoulder again to make sure that Adam was really gone and then he leant forward to kiss Connor's cheek.

He _really_ promised.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Away Frm U**_ **by Oberhofer; and** _ **The Projectionist**_ **by Sleeping At Last.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	39. Seven Of Diamonds

Connor picked at his breakfast reluctantly. He didn't want to eat; it kind of hurt to eat. He had an IV because of his lack of appetite. He kept glancing over at his father, who kept looking at the still full breakfast tray. Finally, Connor realized that that he'd have to talk to Adam first but he was afraid to initiate the conversation, lest his father point out what a jerk he'd been and refused to talk to him.

"Did you read my note?" Connor's voice cracked and all he felt was frustration. Adam was his father; it shouldn't be so hard to talk to him.

"Yes. I've been thinking about it all night. You don't need to apologize for lashing out, Connor. Your heart stopped. There has to be a lot feelings there that we can't understand. I forgive you for that."

"Thank you," Connor said, balling the blanket up in his hands and trying to gather his courage. "What about the other part?"

"No. You're in the hospital for a reason. You're going to stay here for that reason."

"Dad –"

"I'm not talking about it. It's not happening. You can go home when you're healthy."

"Dad –"

"No. We're not discussing it."

Connor shoved his breakfast tray away. He really couldn't eat now.

"Don't be upset. It's for the best."

"You can't tell me that and then not talk about it! I want to be in my bed, with my cat."

"The cat is fine. Eat your breakfast."

Adam really wasn't seeing the point. Instead of reaching for his food, Connor settled back against his pillows, not caring that Adam was watching him judgementally. Adam couldn't judge him when Adam had broken his heart. Connor had been so sure that Adam would let him go home, once he finally asked. He was dying! He should have, at least, Adam's sympathy for that. His own father should have been able to do this for him. Connor's last wish was to go home.

One of Connor's last wishes. Jude drifted across his mind and Connor just crossed his arms over his chest, far beneath his bandages. Jude had accepted his apology but hadn't wanted to hear his reasons for saying what he had and being the way he had been. Connor knew that he couldn't force Jude to hear him out and if Jude had already dropped the subject, then he probably shouldn't bring it up again, but Connor just couldn't stop thinking that he had only been a few words away from telling Jude how he felt and getting those words out in the open. It was futile. He knew it. But with every beat of the heart that had stopped, Connor couldn't stop thinking about his best friend.

"Don't be angry, Connor. This is the best thing for you. I'm your father. I know what that is."

"I don't get a say in what happens in my life?"

"I'm making sure that you have a life," Adam said.

"Whether I die here or die at home, I'm still dying!"

"Connor, we are _not_ discussing this any further. Eat your breakfast."

Connor rolled onto his side, careful of his tubes and wires, turning his back on his father.

(-.-)

"Thank you for helping me," Jude said, trying not to sound awkward or embarrassed. He really was grateful. He just hated that he had to ask in the first place.

"Well, what are foster brothers for," Brandon replied, moving his pen across the worksheet that Jude had handed him.

"Math's my worst subject," Jude admitted. "Connor usually helps me but he's been worse than I am lately when it comes to homework and I wanted to make sure that this one was right before I talked to Lena."

"Well, you have eight out of ten problems right," Brandon said. "That's really good."

"It's not ten out of ten. I want to get it _really_ right."

"All right. Well, do you want to try them again on your own or would it be more helpful if I talked you through them?"

"Just give me a hint on where I went wrong," Jude said.

"You keep dropping the number instead of carrying it so watch for that."

Jude pulled the sheet back toward him and shifted from foot to foot as he leant against the island and put his pencil back to paper. He could tell that Brandon was just waiting for him to finish and that made him feel even antsier. He didn't like knowing that he was being watched; it made it that much harder to concentrate and Jude could barely concentrate as it was. His eyes kept drifting from his page to look at Brandon. Finally, Jude gave up – which he knew he shouldn't do – but Brandon was right. Eight out of ten was fine and, really, he did need someone to guide him through. He didn't want to ask Brandon, even though he was standing right there. It had been hard enough asking for help when Brandon had just casually strolled into the kitchen. He couldn't do it again.

"Are you glad to be heading back to college?" Jude asked, flipping the worksheet over.

Brandon nodded. "I haven't missed sharing a bathroom with Jesus."

Jude let out a laugh because Jesus was definitely the biggest bathroom hog in the house.

"I bet you're glad to get your bed back," Brandon added.

"It's still your bed," Jude said. "I'll just be using it."

Brandon tapped his fingers on the counter. "Well, I _am_ gone a lot. And, you never know what will happen."

Jude sighed. He hadn't spoken to Callie yet and he'd told himself he'd wait to talk about it until then but he was holding so many different things back and a person just got tired of doing that. And Brandon knew the most. Brandon was the reason he knew.

"They asked me already," Jude confessed.

Clearly, Brandon hadn't heard that part. "Did you say 'no'?"

"I said 'I don't know'. I just haven't been here for very long. My whole life, the only person I've had is my sister. I don't think I can start thinking of having parents or siblings." Jude clamped his mouth shut. It was all things he'd said to Connor already but saying it to Brandon felt different. He waited for Brandon to say something – maybe something comforting and optimistic like Connor always tried to do – but Brandon just kept looking at him and, so, Jude felt the impulse to add, "I overheard you the other morning. It sounded like you were okay with them adopting me. Why? You don't know me. Like, at all."

"Things were better when they adopted the twins. I know, it was a long time ago, but the more family, the better. They've fostered other kids and tried to have biological kids but it never worked out, for whatever reason. And, with the other foster kids, Mom and Lena knew pretty quickly if they'd be permanent or not. They're sure about you and I can't be against that when I agree with them that more family is better."

"Thanks," Jude said. "I think I needed to hear that."

"They'll keep fostering you even if you say 'no' to the adoption."

"They said that. And, I like it here. They're good people."

"No one can tell you what to do."

 _Except Callie_. No matter what, Jude knew nothing could be said until he talked to Callie. She was the one who always made these kinds of decisions for him. Even if she wasn't here and living the day to day with him, Jude couldn't say anything without knowing what she thought.

"I wish _I_ could tell me."

Brandon laughed. "Well, good luck. I hope you'll stay here, anyway … I'm going to go shower before dinner. Did you need anything else?"

"No, thanks."

Brandon nodded and left while Jude face-plated himself on the counter. He wished the word adopted had never been brought up so that he wouldn't have to be so confused. He supposed it couldn't be taken back now, even if Stef and Lena had been careful not to bring it up or push him since asking.

Only two days until he got to talk to Callie. He could hold it together for two more days.

He could.

(-.-)

Jude answered the phone on the first ring, tucking himself against Brandon's bedroom door to make sure that he wasn't overheard. Well, it was his bedroom again, he supposed, now that Brandon had gone, but it didn't feel like his. If he was meant to be adopted and he was meant to be here, shouldn't it feel like his?

"Callie?"

"Jude! Are you okay? You sound off."

It was a relief that she was able to tell. Callie hadn't stopped knowing him, even though they had been apart for so long.

"No, I have something to tell you."

"Did something happen? Are you hurt?"

"I'm not hurt. I'm just confused. Something happened …"

"What is it?" Callie cooed. "You can tell me anything."

"Stef and Lena asked to adopt me."

"What!?"

Jude listened for anything other than shock in her exclamation but he couldn't pick it up. "I _know_. I'm all confused about it and then, you know, yesterday, I was sitting in the doctor's office –

" _Doctor?"_

"And I heard that my tests all came back positive and I thought that being adopted and not being a foster kid might help my chances with Connor, so …" Jude trailed off as Callie shrieked again, realizing that he had intentionally not being telling her about the kidney. But once he had opened the floodgates to Callie, he had forgotten all about that.

"What does Connor have to do with this?"

"He's dying but I'm a kidney match so, um, I'm trying to give him mine … You know, so he can live."

"You're giving away _body parts?_ "

"Cal –"

"I barely leave you alone and you're giving away your body parts! Jude, I cannot believe you!"

"Let me explain!"

" _No!_ What is _wrong_ with you?"

"Nothing, compared to what's wrong with him!"

"Jude, it's not happening. Visiting hours are on Thursday and you had better be here because I need to knock some sense into you!"

"You want me to come see you?"

"Don't sound so happy about it," Callie snapped. "I'm not happy about anything you've been up to!"

"Callie!"

"Thursday. I have a lot to think about."

"I'll be there," Jude promised. "I've missed you."

"I love you."

"You too," Jude said, but he barely got the words out before she hung up on him.

Jude tried not to roll his eyes at his sister's dramatics. He put the phone down and took off down the stairs. Stef was getting home from a late night shift and was still in the kitchen, nursing a cup of tea.

"Callie's going to let me go see her on Thursday! Can I go? Please? Can I go?!"

"Of course." Stef rested her hand across his. "I'm glad she's changed her mind. I know you've missed her."

"I have!" Jude couldn't keep the grin off his face. "I'm going to see Callie!"

"You're going to see Callie!" Stef exclaimed, forcing the exhaustion off her face to celebrate with him. "We'll double check visiting hours and make sure that you're there."

"Thank you!" Impulsively, Jude hugged her. "I'm going to go to the hospital! I have to tell Connor!"

"You're going to be early if you leave now," Stef warned him.

"Not if I walk," Jude said.

"I can drive you, love."

"No, don't worry about it. Really, I need to walk or I'm going to explode off the walls all day and Connor really doesn't need me doing that."

"I'm sure. Has he been okay?"

"Um. They had to put him on oxygen so he has something else hanging off him now. Now that Dr. Yang said that I'm a perfect candidate for the transplant and she's talked to Dr. Meyer, do you have any idea when the court date will be set?"

"No. Soon. If we haven't heard from them by Monday, I'll give them a call."

Jude couldn't help but dip his knees in frustration. "Monday is so far away!"

"Give it time, Jude."

"I have time to give," Jude said grumpily. "But, okay …"

"Go get dressed before you're bouncing off these walls."

"Okay."

Jude hurried up the stars to get dressed. He stuffed all of his things into his bag, brushing his teeth and combing his hair. He nearly ran over Stef in the stairway but she just laughed at him and sent him out the door. Jude made it to the hospital in record time and, even though he hadn't intended for it to be that way, he was still early for visiting hours. Only by five minutes and he was sure that no one would mind so he crept up the stairs, trying to delay himself, and then heading into Connor's room.

Connor managed to lift his hand in the slightest wave.

"I have good news!"

"Tell me."

Jude sat on the edge of the bed. "Your lips look dry. Do they sting? Where's that stuff?"

"By my book. Thanks."

Jude put the Chapstick on Connor's lips, chattering, "I talked to Callie this morning."

"What did she say about the adoption?"

"That's just the thing, she didn't know what to say!" Jude fibbed. "She just told me to come see her on Thursday! Oh, but I'll probably be late to see you –"

"I have dialysis. It doesn't matter anyway."

"I don't know. It matters a little –"

"Jude, you see me everyday. See Callie. It's been so long."

"I know! I'm so excited!"

Connor hooked his fingers over Jude's. "I'll be here on Thursday."

"I've heard that before."

"And I'm still here."

But, barely. He was getting shakier and paler by the day and Jude couldn't remember the last time that he had actually seen Connor get out of bed. He was only awake for half of the time that they spent together now and, though he apologized for it, Jude knew that he couldn't help it.

"I hate that you look at me like that," Connor murmured.

"What?"

"Like I'm dying."

Jude slid their fingers together, trying not to squeeze too hard. Connor hurt all over lately and Jude was actually getting to see him slip away. He had been hoping that he would have the court date – or better yet, have already handed over his kidney – before he had to see Connor get so sick. The longer Connor was like this, the less likely it was that Jude would save him and Jude _had_ to save him, now that he knew that he had the ability to do it.

"You aren't funny."

"Come on." Connor pulled his hand out of Jude's and tried to push himself up so that he was sitting more.

"You have a bed that will move for you in this kind of situation." Jude grabbed the remote, moving it up. "What are you doing?"

"Let's play cards."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's been a long time since we've played."

It had been but Jude had just assumed there had been a reason for that and he hadn't wanted to push. Now that Connor was offering, it was too tempting and Jude wasn't about to say no. He didn't know if Connor would ever ask him to again and if things went wrong, he wanted to remember the last time.

"If you're sure."

"I wouldn't ask if I wasn't."

Jude pulled his cards out of his bag and then pulled Connor's tray across his bed so that they would have a surface to play on. He shuffled his cards, watching Connor watch his hands.

"Is it hard to shuffle like that?"

"No. Once you get used to it. There was a guy in the park, some kind of street magician. Before I went to the Centre, Callie and I would hang out there. When I found my cards, I asked him to teach me because he was really good at it. I used to get the cards _everywhere_. It was like they would explode out of my hands."

Connor chuckled at him and it turned into a cough.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Come on. Deal. Stop showing off."

For a moment, he sounded like he used to, when they were sitting at the coffee shop and they were both pretending that nothing was wrong with either of their lives and they were just together, like there was nothing else in the world. Their worlds had gotten a lot smaller – there was no coffee shops or movie theatres or trips to the beach to sit in the sand – but Jude believed they would get the world back.

They would go and have hot chocolate on the beach and Jude might even get up the courage to tell Connor the truth about his feelings. He likely wouldn't, Jude mused, throwing his card on the table while Connor made a face at him. But, if Jude could save Connor's life, then maybe he could truly do anything.

Even be himself.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Flying High**_ **by Jem; and** _ **Say Something**_ **by A Great Big World ft. Christina Aguilera.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	40. Nine Of Hearts

**Sorry I didn't update last week, I was out of the country without my laptop!**

 **~TLL~**

Jude drummed his fingers on the tabletop, adjusting himself in the uncomfortable chair. How many people had sat here before him, waiting for someone to emerge for them? He was glad that Stef had come all the way inside with him. He wasn't sure how Callie would feel about her presence but Jude couldn't be sitting here alone. He knew that he couldn't. And, then, he saw her, dressed in the same boring outfit that marked her as an inmate, and Jude jumped to his feet. Somehow, despite the fact that she was locked up, she looked a lot better. She was getting more to eat; she looked far less haggard. Her hair had been properly cut, instead of chopped at with a knife over their kitchen sink. Despite the fact that Callie always worn-out, she didn't look as defeated as when had last seen her. Being away from Nic was good for her, no matter what her circumstances were now.

Callie's arms wrapped around him and tears pricked at Jude's eyes as he buried his head against his shoulders, realizing just how much he had grown as he leant down on her. She clung just as tightly to him, rocking him back and forth.

"I missed you."

"Sit with me. We have a lot to talk about."

"I know." Jude sat down across from her at the table, watching Callie glance distrustfully at Stef. "Um, this is Stef. She's been fostering me."

"Was it _her_ idea? No, it was the other one that liked Connor better, right?"

"Callie, it was my idea. I have my own thoughts, you know? No one could have made me do it if I didn't want to! We have that in common!"

"It's nice to meet you," Stef said in the moment of silence.

Callie didn't acknowledge her words. "I'm trying to have a private conversation here."

For a moment, Jude wondered if Stef would test Callie. After all, she easily commanded the respect that she deserved. But, after a hard look at Callie, Stef excused herself to that washroom and Jude found himself alone with Callie for the first time in what felt like forever. There were so many things that he wanted to say to her but none of them came out of his mouth. He just couldn't believe that she was really here, after all of the arguing to come here to see her, and she had asked him to be there.

"Jude, what _are_ you thinking?"

"I'm thinking I'm going to save my best friend's life. I'm thinking that a person can live with one kidney. I'm thinking that I've talked to all of the specialists and doctors and I've done the research and you haven't, so you don't get to yell at me about this."

"What happens if you do need it later?"

"I get a higher priority because I've donated," Jude said, feeling smug. "I told you. I've _done_ the research. If I don't have to watch Connor die, I'm not going to. I'd give my kidney to you if you needed it."

"What if I do need it later?" Callie asked.

"I can't not do this for that reason, Callie. Why don't you want me to help him?"

Callie pinched the bridge of her nose, like she had always done when she was frustrated. "It's not that I don't want you to help him."

"So, then, what is it?"

"I worry about you. What this is going to do to you."

"And you wouldn't believe the amount I've talked about that and the amount of different professionals I've talked about that with. I'm prepared."

"I can't believe you didn't tell me," Callie snapped.

"Is that why you're mad?" Jude asked, hearing how hurt she sounded beneath it all. "Because I didn't tell you about it?"

"It didn't take you very long to decide to leave me out of a big decision! This could be life-changing, Jude, something could happen to you on that table. Just because it doesn't often happen doesn't mean you won't been the unlucky one."

Jude scoffed. "I've been the unlucky one."

"I don't want you to do this."

"You don't get to tell me what to do anymore."

"I thought you wanted me to tell you what to do about being adopted."

"I just couldn't make a decision without talking to you first. It's a big decision and I really don't know what I want. This, I know what I want. I want to save his life. You don't get a say in this one."

Callie reached out and took his hand. "You're too young to be making decisions like this. I made big decisions younger than you and look at how that turned out!"

"You saved my life, Callie."

She let go of him in surprise and leant back.

"So," Jude added. "I'm going to save him. I know that this is what you wanted to talk about but Stef isn't going to stay in the bathroom forever and I _need_ to talk to you about the adoption thing because I really don't know what to think and this is what I need you for."

"We'll talk about this thing later," Callie said, her voice tight while Jude just rolled his eyes. Nothing she said – nothing anybody said now – could change his mind. "Do they hit you?"

"No."

"Yell?"

"No …" Jude said slowly, not sure where Callie was headed.

"Are the other kids mean?"

"No."

"House clean?"

"Yeah."

"Every hungry?"

"Um, no."

"How are they taking care of you?"

"What do you mean?"

Callie shrugged. "You're in school and stuff, right?"

"Right."

"So, you're being taken care of like one of the regular kids?" Callie clarified. "Except for the fac they're selling your body parts on the black market. Or, do they do that with their other kids too?"

"Let it go and be serious."

Callie nodded, her eyes going sad as she stared at him. "Okay, then say yes. Jude, say yes."

"What? Just like that?"

"Jude, I can't take care of you anymore. If these people can, then just say yes. Get adopted and move on. You're supposed to have a better life than we had and this is how you get it. I'm not going to be around."

Jude frowned. "No. I came to see you. You call. We write. You're not gone. I can't move on. What do you want me to do? Forget I had a sister?! Because it sounds like that's what you're saying!"

"Jude … I'm going to be going away. I made a deal but I' still going to have to do time. I don't know for how long or anything yet and I just … I don't know. I've been screwing up your life and now you have these people and if they're a family, make yourself fit in. Don't risk _not_ being adopted. You don't want to get moved and go back to one of the foster homes that we left. So, take the adoption."

"They said they'd keep me, even if I didn't get adopted."

"Don't trust it. Don't stay a foster kid," Callie said urgently.

Jude looked up and saw Stef coming back. "Callie, it doesn't feel like it should be that easy."

"But it is."

Jude flattened his hands against the cold table top. "I'm not forgetting about you. I don't care if … if they send you away forever. You're my sister and I'm not letting go! And, you can't go away forever! I don't know what's going on with you anymore!"

"I know. And that's how I want it to be."

"You realize if you cut me off then you don't get to yell about me about the kidney donation?"

Callie's expression darkened. "This isn't funny."

"I know!"

"Everything okay?" Stef asked, her hand resting on Jude's shoulder.

Jude watched Callie's gaze snap to the touch and he watched a cranky comment run across her mind before she reined herself in and she crossed her arms over her chest. "We're fine."

"So fine you won't tell me anything anymore."

"I didn't tell you anything in the first place which is why you're just in the system and not in here with me!" Callie exclaimed and then she shook her head violently. "That doesn't matter. You're safe and that's what matters."

"We're doing our best to take care of him," Stef said. "And, we know that you're a big part of his life and we'll do anything to make sure it stays that way. We want you to have a place with us too, Callie."

"This is my place," Callie said bitterly. "But, thank you for taking care of Jude."

"We're more than happy to do it," Stef said and she missed Callie's mutter of, "even with the black market."

Under the table, Jude kicked her in the shin. Callie quickly kicked him back in the ankle and trapped his toes under the ball of her foot. Jude forced himself to not make a face in front of Stef.

"And we hope that he's happy with us."

"I am," Jude said. "I just want to know that you're happy, even a little."

"It's better here."

"Well, it's better anywhere," Jude replied. "Is there anything that I can do to help you? Do they need me to testify? Do I need to do something because I want to do something for you."

"I've already told you what you can do for me," Callie said vaguely, not taking her eyes off Stef.

Jude pulled his foot out from under hers and gave up. He couldn't push Callie. He had never been able to get anything out of her once she had decided that he wasn't going to be told anything. So, he asked her if she had seen any movies recently. It was better to keep to safe topics because he wanted Callie to be happy with him. He wasn't going to waste his time actually seeing Callie in person by making faces at her and trying to talk under and around what Stef already knew or what Callie assumed Stef knew. The time with her passed too quickly and he felt like his heart was going to stop beating in his chest. He wasn't ready to leave her again.

"You have to let me come back," he whispered, leaning across the table toward her. He couldn't bring himself to speak any louder because he knew that his voice was going to break and the emotion was going to come through. Fighting with Callie had always been easy. He had always known that they would have time to make up. Now, his time with Callie was so limited and he couldn't wrap his mind completely around that. She had been his whole life for so long that he still woke up sometimes expecting her to be there.

"Jude, I don't know."

"Why not?" He was whiny. He knew it. And she was staring at him like she was going to lecture him again, as though they had time for her to lecture him.

"Jude, it's hard enough hanging up the phone. I can't keep walking away from you. I can't stop thinking about the last time I saw you and I'm so glad that we got something else but …"

"It can't be harder than not seeing you!"

"We'll talk about it next time I call, okay? And, I'll finish writing you a letter tonight and send it. I promise."

Jude blinked quickly, knowing that time was up and that everyone else in the room was already hugging their goodbyes.

"But I miss you."

"I miss you too." Callie finally stood up from the table and Jude knew that he had to. His legs were shaking as he closed himself in Callie's arms. "I love you, Jude."

"I love you too."

He clenched his hands into fists and let Stef put her arms around to lead him out. The further they got away from away from Callie, the more that Jude felt himself falling apart. He couldn't be strong when it came to Callie. Just by the car, Stef stopped and hugged him so tightly that Jude felt like he couldn't breathe but that was fine because there was no air filling his lungs anyway.

"Oh, Jude, how do you think it went?"

"I miss her! I can't … I can't keep being without her! I didn't realize how much I missed her but I … I miss her!"

"Oh, love."

"I want … I want …"

"What do you want? Anything you want?"

"I want to go see Connor. I can't think."

"All right. In the car. Come on."

She held him into the car, shutting his door behind him. Jude buckled his seatbelt, staring at the hulking building behind him until Stef actually began to pull away from it. He couldn't watch Callie disappear in the side mirror, going back to the life that he didn't understand. His whole being hurt.

"Do you want to stop for food or anything? You didn't eat much at breakfast."

"I can't eat."

Jude rested his head against the window, taking deep breaths and just watching the lines on the road until they were in the hospital.

"Lena's going to pick you up when visiting hours are over, all right?"

"Okay," Jude said. He let himself over his car and headed up to see Connor.

Connor was just waking up from his sleep, looking around, confused and groggy. Jude felt lighter when Connor smiled upon seeing him.

"Jude's here."

"I'm here. I'm right here." Jude sat down on the edge of the bed, taking Connor's hand. "How was dialysis?"

"I don't like that I'm still throwing up, even though I don't have a lot to throw up."

"Do you need water or anything?"

"How's Callie?"

"She says she's 'going away'! I don't know what that means yet but neither does she and I hate not knowing. We used to know everything about our days! Well, mostly. I need … I need her to be here."

"What did she say about the adoption?"

"To do it. To forget about her and be their son like that's it. She acted like there wasn't more to it."

"Why?"

"To protect me. So that I don't get moved. So that they can't get rid of me. I …" Jude curled up next to him on the bed. Connor put his arm around Jude. "I feel like I have to give them an answer soon, though. I can't ignore this forever."

"You have time. Don't push yourself too fast."

"You have time too!"

"Some," Connor agreed.

Jude just needed Connor to have enough time for Jude to get to a court date. He snuggled into Connor, making sure that he didn't hit any of Connor's wires or injuries. He inhaled deeply, smelling nothing but hospital and his mind drifted back to that first day on the beach, when Jude was intoxicated on the smell of salt water and Connor's deodorant. The hospital had taken everything that was Connor from him and the thought of it made Jude hurt. All of Jude's thoughts made him hurt. He didn't know what to do about Callie or Connor or Stef and Lena. He needed to _do_ something. He needed to feel like he decided something in his life and like he could make it mean something. Whatever he did, it had to be for him.

"Your mind is in eight different places."

"I didn't say anything."

"Jude."

Jude picked his head up and frowned. Connor didn't even have his eyes open. He looked like he was completely asleep.

"Connor!"

"What?"

"Saying my name is _not_ an explanation."

Connor opened his eyes and half-smirked. "Jude, I know you."

Jude almost smirked back at him. Connor didn't know as well as he thought. If he did, he would know that Jude loved him back. If he did, he would have said it again. But Jude couldn't really keep blaming him for that. The sicker he got, the less that was on his mind, and he wasn't the same, exactly, but Connor was still Connor at his core, and he was Jude's stability.

"I'm really glad you do."

"Jude?"

"Read to you?" Jude guessed.

Connor laughed.

"I know you too." Jude pushed himself up to grab his bag and dig out his copy of the book. "You know, we've only got about a quarter of this book left."

"I think I have about that much time."

"You told me you'd see me through the end of the book."

"So, I did," Connor agreed. Jude cracked the book open and then Connor spoke again, "Jude … wait."

"What? Is something wrong?"

"I need to ask you something."

"Anything."

"It's pathetic."

"As pathetic as me applying your lip chap for you?"

Connor half-pulled a face. "Sorry. You do too much for me."

"I'd do anything for you. You should know that by now."

"My hat's been getting tight and itchy. Um, I only wear it when you're here now."

"I've seen your head. You don't have to be like that."

"I need lotion on my head," Connor blurted.

"All right." Jude didn't bat an eye. He put his book to the side. "Where is it?"

"With the lip chap."

Jude found the tube that Connor was talking about and sat down with it. He pulled Connor's blue hat off his head. He noticed the spots that Connor was talking about, ones that were going red.

"Take a break from the hat."

"Everything makes me hurt."

Jude didn't know what to say to him and so he just applied the lotion to Connor's head. The texture of Connor's bald head was strange and Jude was tempting to keep touching him but he was worried about hurting him even more. He had burns and bruises and rashes and Jude was worried that he'd hurt him by just being in the same room sometimes.

"Does that feel better?"

"Thanks, Jude."

Jude's hands froze, hovering over Connor's shoulders. "Connor … are you okay?"

"I don't want you to have to do things like this for me! This isn't what friends do!"

"This is exactly what friends do! Friends take care of each other! You taught me that!"

Connor hid his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking. His voice came muffled through his fingertips and Jude didn't catch what he said. Jude put his arms softly around Connor, trying not to hurt him.

"Tell me, you can tell me anything."

"I don't want you to see me like this."

"That's what friends are for," Jude repeated as Connor's breath hitched, holding back tears.

Every time Connor gasped, Jude would feel how bony he was beneath the hospital gown, how every slightest bit of air was a struggle, and just how much pain Connor was in. Jude's heart broke inside of his chest just listening to him.

"But it's not friends, it's _you_."

And Connor loved him too.

Jude could feel the warmth coming off of Connor's back as Connor was pressed to his chest and for probably the millionth time, Jude thought: _I could just kiss him_. And Connor would kiss him back, like they were at Daria's party, except now Jude was living with two married women and that should have made a difference. But, in the end, it didn't because Jude was going to save Connor's life and he'd kiss him when his lips weren't chapped and his eyes weren't watery and when pain wasn't the only thing on Connor's mind.

"I'm your best friend. It means I'm even better for this."

Connor's shoulder's sagged and Jude kept a tight hold on him, trying not to overthink it. Connor was too sick and too sad for Jude to be thinking about him in that way but he couldn't help it, especially when Connor fell into him instead of away.

"I just … hat being this way!"

"I know." It wasn't enough but Jude didn't have the words. The sicker Connor got, the less that Jude really understood anything. "It'll be okay. Can I do anything? Do you want me to read?"

"No. Just …"

"Okay," Jude said. At least this time, he knew what Connor wanted.

So, they sat in silence, Jude's arms around him until his midday medication was administered. Connor was heavy against him but Jude didn't mind at all. Connor's weight was a comforting one and Jude was able to relax enough to convince himself to think about the adoption. It lurked in the back of his mind and Jude knew he couldn't let it linger. Stef and Lena had to expect an answer. Seeing Callie was supposed to make it easier but that might have been because Jude was really expecting her to tell him 'no'. To not belong to someone else because they were going to be together. How could they be together when he was someone else?

He felt like he was deliberately putting himself out of Callie's reach for good if he did say yes. But she _was_ out of reach, in a way. They couldn't go back to the way life was before, even if they had wanted to. And Stef and Lena had even mentioned her! She had told him to do it and everything she told him made sense so why did he have so many reservations? He liked Stef and Lena and Mariana and Jesus and he even thought he liked Brandon. They all seemed to like him. As far as he could tell. But he hadn't known them long enough to tell for sure.

Jude's head started to spin and not in a controlled way. He hugged Connor closer but not even the rhythm of Connor's breathing could help get him back under control. He leant his head back against the pillow and watched the ceiling.

"Jude …" Connor half-slurred. "You're squeezing me."

"Sorry!" He loosened his arms. "I guess I was overthinking."

"About?"

"The adoption. I-I-I know what I'm going to do."

Connor turned himself into Jude's side as Jude explained everything he'd been weighing since Connor had fallen asleep. Connor's hand took Jude's own as Jude tried to keep his emotions down. When Jude was done, he was a quiet for a long minute."

"I think you're making the right decision, Jude."

Jude hoped so.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Beating Heart**_ **by Ellie Goulding; and** _ **Each Shallow Breath**_ **by Chase Coy**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	41. Eight Of Diamonds

Jude's heart was in his throat when Lena picked him up from the hospital. He couldn't just blurt out that he'd made his decision. Not without both of them there. He had thought about practicing how to tell them on the drive to the car but there was something solemn in Lena's face tonight that kept him distracted and Jude wondered if he had missed his window, if something had shifted after all.

When they got into the car, she didn't pull the keys out of her pocket. Instead, she ceremoniously handed him an envelope. It was official looking and fear shot through him. They wouldn't have adopted him without his say so, would they? He hadn't thought they were that kind of people! He pulled open the envelope but he hesitated before pulling out the paper inside.

"Um, what is it?"

"It's about your court date, about Connor. We wanted you to open it yourself."

He supposed he should have guessed that. Somehow, he was even more nervous knowing that's what it was. He pulled out the page. It was simple and less long-winded then he would have liked, telling him when he was expected and where he was expected.

"That's Connor's birthday!" Jude exclaimed, surprised that the date they had picked was one that _meant_ something. "Nine A.M.!"

"Oh, Jude! That's so close!"

But it was so far away too. Connor's birthday felt like it was never going to happen and not just because it was _more_ than Connor's birthday now. It was the thing that Adam had been hoping for all along: that Connor would live to turn sixteen. Since the first time that Adam had said that, Connor's birthday had seemed impossibly far but, now, it seemed even further away. Connor was struggling to make it through the day. How was he going to get through the time between now and his birthday?

"It's a good sign. They recognize that it's a pressing situation," Lena said, trying again, even though _pressing situation_ was the understatement of the century and Jude just stared down at the piece of paper.

"If he makes it to his birthday, that's when I find out if he lives or dies. Is that … fair? Or funny? That's so stupid!"

"Jude, it's a date and a time. That's not stupid."

"You know what I mean, though, don't you?" Jude asked, looking away from the page and into Lena's sympathetic face. "It's his _birthday_."

"And, Jude, what if it's good news? Wouldn't that be the most amazing birthday present?"

"It would be," Jude agreed, feeling the hint of a smile on his face. "Do you really think this is going to happen? The more that happens the less real it feels and I-I-I … Wow."

Lena rubbed his shoulder. "Still feeling sure?"

"Of course! I just … might really get to do this. He keeps getting sicker and, sometimes, looking at him, it feels like he won't ever get better or that I'm crazy to think that this one thing that _I_ do will be what he needs to get better but … I can do that one thing, can't I?"

"Sometimes that one thing is all anyone needs. You just doing all of this in the first place is –"

"Jude, you're our family. Whether you say yes to the adoption or not, this is how we feel about you. We will go above and beyond for you, to support you and the choices you make."

"Even if you think it's the wrong one?" Jude asked.

"Yes. You need to make your own choices and learn from them. We're not going to let you get yourself into any major trouble but it's not up to us to live your life. Plus, you're not a little kid anymore. We can't lecture you."

Jude looked down at the court paper in his hand, bending the corner of it. The questions he had bubbling in him, he forced back down. He should be talking to both of them, not just Lena. "Um, do you think that Stef is home by now? I want to tell her about this."

And his decision about the adoption but he was so, _so_ nervous about it that he wondered if it couldn't wait for another day.

Lena smiled warmly at him. "She should be. Let's go home and find out."

Jude nodded and then looked down in the paper in his lap as they drove off. Connor's birthday. He'd know on Connor's birthday. He hugged the paper to his chest. As Adam as always hoped, Connor had just needed to make it to his birthday. Then, hopefully, it would all be uphill from there. His heart was in his throat when they pulled into the driveway and he followed Lena in through the door. Stef was in the kitchen and she called out a happy hello to them when she heard the front door.

Jude took his shoes off, taking stock of the house, like it was his first night here all over again. It was clean, it was warm, the walls felt happy. It was more than clear that they had a family and that their family was a good one. It was the type of home that could make anyone feel comfortable and Jude wondered what was wrong with him that he sometimes still felt edgy and cagey. Not as badly as he did when he was still living at Nic's but sometimes, even when warm and comfortable in a real bed knowing that he was surrounded by people that weren't going to hurt him, he still felt like he was standing on the edge of a cliff and that he could possibly fall right off. As stable as Stef and Lena were and as much as he liked it here, Jude just didn't know if _he_ could ever be a stable person.

"I got my court date!" Jude exclaimed as soon as he saw her. "It's on Connor's birthday. I thinkthat's _crazy_ because it's his birthday but it's at nine a.m."

Stef hugged him and Jude froze for half a second at the unexpected contact before throwing his arms around her.

"At least you know when it's going to happen! This is a good sign, Jude!"

"I know, I know! It's really here!"

The fact that in Stef and Lena were so excited for him made Jude feel like he was boosted all over again.

"I just can't wait to see Connor's face if … if it happens. No, _when_. I … He's just looked so sick for so long that I just want to see him happy."

Happy, like he was when Jude brought Jellybean in. He wanted to see the look on Connor's face when he realized that he was getting a fighting chance and that he was going to get to go home again. This was _going_ to work – Jude _had_ to believe in that – as long as Connor held on until his birthday.

"Are you hungry? You've been at the hospital all day."

"I'm always at the hospital all day," Jude said as Stef turned away from him to pick up a plate.

"I know. You and Connor are probably both going stir crazy, are you?"

"Yeah. Adam too. Honestly, I think the hospital room drives him crazier than it does either of us," Jude admitted, filling his plate and the following Lena to the kitchen table.

Lena clicked her tongue as the three of them took their usual seats around the table and Jude took a moment to appreciate that he now had a _usual_ seat.

"That poor man. I honestly don't know how he does it." Lena's eyes met Stef's. "If any of our kids … And he's all alone."

Jude took his opportunity while he had it. "Um, speaking of your kids …"

Both Stef and Lena turned to look at him and though there was nothing intimidating about either of them, necessarily, Jude suddenly felt very intimidated. His throat closed up and he went over everything that Callie had said to him and everything that he had said to Connor this afternoon in his head very quickly.

"I, uh … Um, I mean, I've been thinking about the adoption."

Stef's expression softened while Lena couldn't hide her flash of excitement before she said, "You don't need to rush into a decision. We love you and we're here for you, no matter what."

"Thanks. Um, I just wanted to ask some questions if that's okay."

"Anything you want to know," Stef promised, and Jude believed her.

"You said Callie would have a place here, when she got out. Did you mean that? Because I just can't imagine you'd want to deal with that, that anybody would."

"Callie's your family and you're our family. That means she belongs here too," Stef said. "And it's not about being officially adopted or that she'll be an adult. She's someone who needs help and we believe that you offer all the help you can to family."

"I'll be sixteen in November," Jude said, "which is a long way away, I know, but I'm fifteen now. There's a reason people adopt little kids. Three years and I can be on my own so what's the point? Why do you want me?"

"See above," Stef said with a laugh and then she became a little more serious. "Love, it's not about age. It's not about being able to tell you we changed your diapers or taught you to speak or being there for your first steps. A family is like a puzzle and you're the piece that fits. We would never want to change that, even if we could. We wish we could have known you longer but we're glad to know you now."

"So glad to know you now," Lena repeated. "And family doesn't stop the day you turn eighteen. We'll be here for you as long we're alive. It doesn't matter if you're fifteen or fifty."

Jude tapped his fork against the table and then realized that it was probably rude and let it drop to the table top instead. "I don't know how to have parents."

"Well, we don't know what it's like to have you as a son, not until we met you anyway," Lena said. "It's a learning curve for all of us but we really do want the best for you and we are really hoping that you think we're the best for you too. And that you do think of us as just more than people who took you in because we see you as more than just someone that we took in."

"This is the best place I've ever lived in and you're the best people I think I've _ever_ met," Jude said honestly. "No one else would do this."

"Honey," Lena said hesitantly, "if you say yes to this, we want it to be because you feel like part of the family, not because you're worried that if you say no, we won't let you stay. No matter what, we want you here."

"Callie's been my only family, as long as I can remember. There's never been anyone who's even wanted me to feel like their family and I can't help but feel that wanting a family that didn't involve her, that wasn't happening with her, or was her, would be like leaving her behind and I thought talking to her would help but she just made me more confused."

"We aren't leaving her behind. We want you to call her and write to her. Any time she wants to see you, we'll make sure that you get there," Lena said. "You and Callie are a package and we've accepted that."

"Look at the twins," Stef said with a smile. "Clearly, we go for the two for one deal."

Admittedly, Jude grinned at the joke too. "If you adopted me, would I _have_ to change my name? I couldn't want a name that Callie didn't have. Changing it would be like cutting her off."

It was one of the questions he was most worried about. Of course they would want him to change his name! He would be family, they would all belong to each other, of course they should all have the same last name. Wasn't that how families worked? But Callie was his family first and she was never going to get a different name.

Stef and Lena glanced at one another before Stef carefully took the reins to answer his question.

"Nothing says you _have_ to change your name. Just like adopting you instead of fostering you wouldn't change how we feel about you, neither would you staying Jude Jacob."

Well, that wasn't what Jude had been expecting to hear at all, but if Stef and Lena had been like he had expected, Jude would have been so incredibly unhappy here.

"You know what I thought was impossible?" Jude asked the two of them suddenly.

"What?" Lena asked.

"To have somewhere I felt like I belonged. I mean, I didn't belong in any of the foster homes and I never felt like I belonged at Nic's. And I didn't think that I could belong here either, because you had other kids and lives and why should they even like me? Why should _you_ even like me? But you help me in school and take me to see my best friend every day. Mariana helps me do my hair and Brandon even helped me with homework and Jesus kicks me out of the room when he wants to talk to his girlfriend on the phone but I think that's also what brothers do sometimes. You let me talk to my sister, even though she's never met you, Lena, and she was a jerk when she met you, Stef, and I … I look forward to coming here every night. I think of here as home and … without realizing it, I started to feel like you were my family too and I don't know when it happened but it did so …" Jude took a deep breath to calm himself. He stared down at his fingers for a moment and then he looked up at the two of them. He should be looking at them when he said it. "So, if you still want me, I'd really like to be adopted by you."

Before he knew it, they were both hugging him tightly, their forgotten dinner cooling on the table. He let each of them take his hands and he tried not to cry when Lena kissed his cheek.

"We would still love to adopt you," Stef promised. "More than anything."

And he really believed she meant it.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **I'm Waiting Here**_ **by David Lynch ft. Lykke Li (reader recommended); and** _ **Left To Dry**_ **by Shaimus.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	42. Seven Of Spades

"And, so, the next time that Mariana and Jesus are both going to home for dinner is the day after tomorrow so that's when they're going to make the official announcement to them but it's going to happen. I'm going to get adopted."

He wasn't sure what felt less real at this point, saying that he was going to get adopted or hearing that he was this close to giving Connor a kidney.

"Are you happy about it?"

"Yeah," Jude said. "I am. Callie was talking about the logical stuff but that's not what I'm thinking of. But it's kind of fast and that scares me."

"Because you hate change."

"Well, why wouldn't I?" Jude asked with a snort. "But I'm more scared of not being there and losing them and I think that means more than all of Callie's reasons."

Jude crossed his legs underneath of him, adjusting himself at the end of Connor's bed.

"I've been thinking about my birthday," Connor said, jumping topics.

"Ten days," Jude chirped.

"Nine," Connor corrected.

Jude paused and then counted off on his fingers. "Well, you knew I was bad at math."

"You can just say I'm right," Connor said, laughing breathlessly.

"No, I don't think I actually _can_ ," Jude mused and Connor laughed hard enough that he ended up coughing. "Easy. You okay?"

Connor nodded, waving away the water glass Jude offered. Jude fussed with the blankets until Connor was leaning back against the pillows, breathing normally. He put his hand over Jude's, stilling the hand that Jude still had curled around the top of his sheet.

"Mother hen," Connor accused.

"I'm saving up karma points so that when you get better I can treat you however I want."

Connor rolled his eyes but his grip on Jude's hand tightened. "So, my birthday."

"Right. You throwing a party?"

"Ha, no, but if I remember right, you said you'd get me a cupcake."

Jude's own birthday felt like it had been years ago. "Can you eat it?"

"I can but you'll probably end up eating most of it."

"Cupcakes it is!" Jude said brightly. "Anything else?"

"I asked Dad to find the _To Kill A Mockingbird_ movie. I want to watch it. I want to make you watch it. I want to make sure you see it. It's old so I don't want you to get bored because it's in black and white."

"Shouldn't I finish the book first?" Jude asked.

"You have nine days."

"It's been months!"

"You're so close to the end. Either we'll get there or it won't matter."

"It's your birthday so we'll do whatever you want to."

Connor turned his head slightly to glance out the window before turning his attention back to Jude. "I want to eat cupcakes and watch a movie with my best friend. You'll be here all day, right?"

"Well, I have to go get the cupcakes. First thing, so they're the best ones, right?"

"Yeah, right," Connor agreed.

"Then, I'll be here. For you and the movie and whatever else you want."

"I want to be not in the hospital for my birthday. Even fresh air, just for a second. I mean, I've been outside since I've been here but it's not the same. I never thought I'd miss opening a window."

Jude squeezed Connor's hand. "You'll get outside again soon."

Jude could tell that Connor was trying not to roll his eyes at him, though his voice wasn't free of sarcasm when he said, "You _have_ to say that."

"Because I'm your friend. Unless you say that I'm not again."

"I'm sorry." Connor's face was so mournful that Jude felt bad for bringing it up, though it had been Connor's mistake in the first place.

"I know. I'll get over it, someday."

"You don't have a lot of time to do it."

"Shut up." Jude nudged Connor's leg.

"Okay, okay. Come on, do some homework."

Jude rolled his eyes and kept his hands firmly where they were, not reaching for his bag at all. "I don't want _to_. It never ends!"

"But you're getting better. You'll be in school soon."

"Yeah," Jude said, half-heartedly. "In school and a guaranteed freak."

Connor frowned at him, looking the same way he always did when Jude put himself down. "Freak? Why would you be a freak?"

"Because I won't be in the right grade, no matter what I do this summer, because I haven't been in school since forever, because Lena will probably hover a little, because I won't know anyone, because no one likes me!"

"You don't _let_ anyone like you."

"Because they're just going to tell me later that they don't like me! I'm skipping steps!"

Connor just laughed at him again. "This is what I meant by damaged."

"Shut up!" Jude said insistently, then, more quietly, "Well, they treated you like a freak and you're just sick."

"It was hard not to convince people I was contagious in the beginning," Connor said casually, but almost too casually in Jude's opinion. "And it's not like they were mean or anything. Nobody talked to me."

"How's that better?"

"That was what you wanted!" Connor pointed out and Jude had to laugh at that.

"I guess so. It's weird to think of me being in school. It'd be easier if you were there, just so I could hide behind you."

"You can tell them that you were the dead kid's best friend," Connor said. "Daria will remember you."

"I don't want to be the dead kid's best friend."

"Then don't tell them you knew me."

Jude rolled his eyes, trying to dislodge the tears that he was starting to feel coming. The reality was that Jude didn't know if he could donate his kidney. He didn't know if Connor's body would reject or take to the kidney. He didn't know if getting the kidney would mean that Connor would beat the cancer he had or if Connor was going to die of his disease anyway. What he did know was that he didn't want to be known as the dead kid's best friend because he didn't want he and Connor to be boiled down and thought of like that. Most of the people at Anchor Beach had known Connor for a lot longer than Jude might get to and, yet, they would never know Connor like he did. Connor would never mean as much to them as he did Jude. None of them ever loved him. Only Daria had ever come to see him and she hadn't come back. And maybe that wasn't something that should upset Jude but it did, because Connor was worth more than everything he had ever been given.

"Just … live."

"How many times do I have to say it, Jude?"

"At least one more. Until you can't."

Looking into Connor's eyes made Jude hurt because, as much as Connor could be strong and put on a good face when Jude was sitting here, the exhaustion in his eyes was overwhelming. He was shaky and even his voice sounded like it had been through too much but when Jude looked into his eyes, he could tell that there weren't enough painkillers in the world that could make Connor feel completely comfortable with everything was happening to him and how painful his end was going to be.

"I'm just glad I didn't die the first time. That I got to meet you."

Jude could hear the _I love you_ weaved between Connor's words and he almost opened his mouth; he almost said it back. And, then, he closed it again.

"I'm glad I got to meet you too." He just stared at Connor until he knew that it was getting to be too much and he forced himself to break eye contact. "So, homework, I guess."

"What are we doing?"

"Reading comprehension," Jude said. "If you feel up to being an active participant. If not, history and I'll do that part with Lena."

"Let's see what we can get done before they drug me up."

Jude nodded and reached down, dragging his bag up onto the bed with them. "Or I could just read _Mockingbird_."

"Are you offering because you like the book or because you don't want to do your homework?"

"I just know you wanted to hear me finish it and if we're going to be watching the movie soon …"

Connor's fingers wrapped around his shirt sleeve and he tugged at Jude until Jude took his hand.

"Lena will get mad if you don't do your homework."

"Lena's homeschooling me so that I can be here with you. I don't think she'll get mad at anything that has to do with you."

"I'll get to hear you read the end of _Mockingbird_ ," Connor promised. "I will. But you didn't do any homework yesterday."

"You're pushier than Stef is," Jude grumbled, using his free hand to start tugging at the zipper of his backpack.

"But not pushier than Callie."

"No one's pushier than Callie," Jude snorted. "I get to tell her about getting adopted when she calls. But then I also have to convince her to let me go see her again, even though I'm essentially telling her that I'm getting a new family."

"That are gonna think of her as family."

"If she accepts them."

Connor let out a coughing-laugh. "I wish I had really met her because I find it hard to imagine someone so stubborn and annoying that _you_ find them stubborn and annoying."

"Yeah, okay, I couldn't possibly get mad about anything there."

Connor just grinned. "You'll forgive me."

Jude didn't bother to respond. He had forgiven Connor everything else. He reached into his bag, pulling out the red folder that had his reading in it, dropping it onto Connor's lap.

"So, I have to read something and then there's a list of questions you're supposed to ask me to see if I remembered what I read or if I just threw it out of my brain as soon as I saw it."

"I remember doing this," Connor said.

"Yeah, in second grade, like you were supposed to."

"It doesn't matter. You're doing it now."

"You should really be a motivational speaker or a life coach or something," Jude grumbled.

"Gotta grow up for that," Connor quipped, so quickly and so peppily that Jude almost missed it.

When Jude caught up to Connor's words, he frowned, though Connor looked unrepentant, as he normally did. "Why do you keep saying that stuff when you know I hate it?"

"Why do you keep saying bad stuff about yourself when you know I hate it?"

"That's different, it's about me and …. and, uh …" Jude stuttered.

Connor cupped his hand around his ear. "You know, I think that's the sound of your argument dying."

"Shut up," Jude whined. "Come on, just help me."

"Sure," Connor agreed, sliding the short story that Jude was supposed to read toward him. "Ready when you are but no peeking at the questions and answers."

"You wouldn't notice if I did," Jude scoffed.

"I would so!"

"No one ever notices me. It's how I get away with so much."

"I notice you," Connor said and Jude's heart fluttered. "But I have to so I can know you and figure out how you'll let me get away with so much."

"Oh, shut up," Jude scoffed.

"Can't make me," Connor hummed. "Come on, homework, before I lose my brain for the day."

"But _I'm_ the mother hen," Jude muttered under his breath.

"You _are_."

"Oh, shut up!" Jude repeated and Connor just laughed at him again, nudging Jude's homework toward him.

With a sigh, Jude settled in to do it, though, admittedly, he paid far more attention to Connor's ability to help him than he did to his schoolwork. He knew it was important and he knew that Lena was expecting it but Connor had been helping him since before he was in the hospital. He knew how Connor thought and spoke; how he read and wrote. He knew that Connor's sickness was just going to keep making him sadder and he didn't know how to stop thinking about it. Connor was slowing down; Jude could go faster than him now and he didn't think it was because he was getting better.

It was almost a relief when Connor fell asleep. Jude curled his arms around him.

"I'll save you," Jude said. Connor's eyes didn't so much as flicker but Jude hoped that he heard the words and that, somehow, he knew that it was true.

Jude was going to save him.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Salt Skin**_ **by Ellie Goulding; and** _ **Cancer**_ **by My Chemical Romance.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	43. Jack Of Hearts

Jude tried not to keep looking around the table. Mariana and Jesus were home and Stef and Lena were supposed to tell them about the adoption tonight. Jude wasn't sure what they would think of it, and if he wasn't so concerned, he might be amused that he knew more of Brandon's feelings about it than the two that he actually lived with. Jesus was talking about someone on his wrestling team – not very nicely – and Mariana kept interjecting with her own disparaging thoughts on Jesus's girlfriend. It was a normal dinner conversation, Lena and Stef both trying to keep their conversation from getting too riled. Jude was just glad that he wasn't needed to participate. He knew what was going to come before they finished their meals and he knew that he couldn't speak right now. If Mariana and Jesus decided, for whatever reason, to reject him now, Stef and Lena couldn't possibly keep wanting him.

 _Or maybe_ , Jude thought _, you should just stop doubting._

But it was his doubt and his inability to trust that had kept him alive in Nic's house. His guard couldn't be lowered for a moment – he had never been allowed to believe that a creak was just the old house settling instead of a footstep on the stair; he had never been convinced that the voices downstairs would stay down there; had never even ventured outside of the four walls when Callie wasn't there to be his guardian angel. Not to mention the hypervigilance and sleeping in shifts that had occurred before they had moved into Nic's home, when it was just them and any area they could find that wasn't windy and didn't seem to be claimed by anyone else. He knew he didn't need those traits here but it wasn't as though Jude could just become someone new. It wasn't as though he could just forget who he had been, no matter who he might become.

Mariana and Jesus fell quiet for a rare beat and then Stef cleared her throat, so Jude knew what was coming.

"We have an announcement to make," she said. Jude watched her and Lena link hands and then he quickly glanced over to the twins, catching the end of the look they exchanged.

"What's up?" Jesus asked.

"Well, we've been thinking about it and we've been talking to Jude and we hope you'll both agree with the decision that we've come to and that is: Jude is a good fit here. Jude is part of our family and we are officially going to adopt him."

Jude held his breath until Mariana grinned and smacked Jesus, "I _told_ you!"

"I believed you!"

"You never believe me!"

"Stop hitting me or I'll –"

"This means they're happy that you're here," Lena said, nudging Jude.

Strangely enough, Jude felt that.

He felt elated as Mariana jumped from her chair and came to hug him. He had never wanted for family more than Callie but now that he was sitting here, surrounded by people that were willing to offer him something more than just a roof above his head, he was glad to embrace them. He was glad to hug Mariana back and happy to fist bump Jesus over their water glasses. He was glad Lena and Stef were looking at him like that, Stef's hand covering Lena's on the tabletop. Yet, when he glanced at the empty chair that was meant for Brandon, he couldn't help but think of Callie and wish that she had gotten to be here now. He wished that Callie was sitting in the chair instead and that she had gotten to be with this family too. She had always said that no family would take them both but Stef and Lena were offering to when Lena had never even met her.

He picked up another one of his green beans, chewing a little more slowly. Just a few more days then she would be on the phone with him and despite how happy he was now, she was still all he wanted.

(-.-)

"Got it!" Jude shouted into the house, though he was sure Jesus was the only one home. He grabbed the phone off its cradle by the first ring and was happily accepting Callie's call. "Hi!"

"Hi!" Callie said. "How are you? I got your letter this morning. You said yes?"

"Yeah," Jude said. "They told the other kids a couple of days ago and they're starting the paperwork."

"Good, good," Callie said but he heard the sadness in her voice. It was the same sadness that he felt whenever he thought about it. "It's the best decision."

Jude shut his bedroom door behind him. Stef had packed up the last bits of Brandon's things that were lingering around the room and now it was all his. Stef and Lena had told him that he could hang posters or pictures, decorate his space however he wanted to, but Jude just wasn't sure what that was yet. He should get a picture of Connor – perhaps Adam would let him have a good photo, not one where he looked so sick, but maybe Jude wanted to remember him that way too. He didn't even have a photo of Callie, especially not a photo of the two of them together. Maybe he should get that too.

"I know," Jude said, feeling his throat start to close up. "And, I know you were thinking about logic stuff but I really like them too and I love being here but I … miss you so much."

"I can't be with you anymore than I am," Callie said. "Believe me, I miss you too, more than you can imagine."

"I want to come see you again, please," Jude said. "I want to see you. And I know if I show up and you don't want me there, then you won't come see me but I need you to let me. Please."

"Jude, it's too hard for me –"

"I'm finding out if I can donate my kidney in three days," Jude blurted and, even though he couldn't see her, he could tell that her protective flag went up.

"I thought you were going to drop that!"

"No, you just _wanted_ me to let my best friend die for … some reason that I can't quite get so …"

"You could die in surgery!"

"Cleaner than the street."

"Jude!" Callie cried and then she let out a few unintelligible garbles before blurting, "Unbelievable!"

"If they allow me to donate, the surgery will happen pretty quickly. I won't make visiting hours this week so, please, will you let me come the week after?"

"This is a bad idea."

"It's going to be fine. It's going to be great. You can't tell me otherwise because you don't know."

"You don't know either. I'm allowed to worry about you! You're all I have."

"You're all I have too."

"No, you have a family now. You're safe and you're protected and that's all I ever wanted for you. We're not having this fight again."

"I want to see you! Please. You have me, don't turn me away! Don't shut me out! It doesn't matter who else I have I still need you!"

"I love you too, Jude." Callie let out a sigh. "How can I stop you from doing this?"

"You can't. Nothing can. You matter to me most and you always will but Connor matter too and I have a kidney that could help him live. So, I'm not going to be talked out of it. Sorry."

He felt like he had been waiting too long for it. Even before he had actively started trying to figure out kidney donation, he had been thirsting for something to do for Connor and, now that he had it, he had to do it.

"Have you heard anything new about your case?" Jude ventured after Callie's silence.

"No. My lawyer said that it would probably feel like a lot of nothing for me for a while and then everything would happen at once so we'll see what happens."

"Are you even going to tell me? Just because I'm here and you're there doesn't mean that I'm going to forget about you."

"I'll tell you, Jude!" Callie said, and she sounded annoyed that she had to insist on it, but Jude thought it was a fair question from his perspective, at least. "But, we can kind of guess how this is going to go for me. You, I'm worried about, because I can't predict what's going to happen and I can't change it, even if I could. You need to take care of yourself."

"Callie, they're a whole family and they _like_ me. They don't just _tolerate_ me. They're going to adopt me. I'm going to be okay."

"I'll believe it when I see it," Callie said flatly.

Jude supposed it was the best he could hope for.

(-.-)

Jude sat down in the chair next to Connor's bed, watching Connor's breath rise and fall, his eyelids fluttering.

"Jude," Connor managed.

"No, don't worry about it. I'm here and that's all that matters."

Connor forced his eyes open. "It hurts, Jude."

"I know. Do you want me to call a nurse? See if they can help?"

Connor didn't answer. He seemed to sink into the bed a little more, looking defeated and, though Jude hated that he made the comparison, he was starting to look more like a corpse. "Where's Dad?"

"He just went to get coffee and lunch, remember? He's not at work today, he'll be back any second."

"Oh."

Jude couldn't tell what was going through Connor's mind, though he stared at his face and tried to figure it out. _If_ anything was going through Connor's mind, that was, other than a cloud of pain and confusion.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" Jude asked, wishing that there was something that he could be doing right now, instead of waiting for tomorrow to come when a court decided whether or not he could do something. "Water? Chapstick? Anything?"

"How many chapters?"

It took Jude a moment to process Connor's breathless questions. "How many chapters? Like, do I have left?"

"Yeah."

Jude reached into his bag, pulling out his book. He didn't have much of it left. "Um, like three and a half."

"Read, please, Jude," Connor said. "We're gonna … We're gonna watch the movie tomorrow."

"I remember. After I get you a cupcake," Jude said. "Next time I see you, you'll be older than me."

"And then you'll get older than me."

"Don't be morbid if you want me to read to you."

"Sorry," Connor said, managing to open his eyes, and Jude was still so easily caught up in how pretty his eyes were. "Read, please?"

Jude cracked open the book to where they had left off, only half sure that Connor was processing what he was saying. He looked uncomfortable, though Jude didn't think anyone could possibly be _comfortable_ with the amount of tubes and wires that Connor had on him, having to be careful with every move that he made that he didn't disrupt or hurt himself. Connor's eyes shut again as Jude read and, though it was probably just Jude's wishful thinking, he wanted to believe that Connor looked a little more peaceful. He didn't stop reading, even when Adam returned, sitting Jude's lunch on the stand next to him, and settling into his usual seat. Jude tried not to get embarrassed about reading in front of Adam – after all, it wasn't for Adam, it was for Connor – but Jude still absolutely hated having an audience for his schoolwork and practice that wasn't Connor. It was something that still amused Lena when they did their study sessions together, and she teased him about how much work he managed to do under Connor's watchful eye versus hers.

Connor's midday medication was administered but Jude didn't stop reading until he was completely sure that Connor was asleep. Only then did he mark his page and put the book aside, reaching for water and taking a long drink.

"He told the nurses that it was a nine on the pain scale this morning," Adam revealed.

"It's really bad now," Jude said, only because he felt like he had to say something and stating the obvious was the best way to go.

"I'm hoping for one more good day tomorrow but you've seen how far between those have been getting."

Jude nodded. Connor had been like he was now for the past week. It weighed heavily on Jude every time he walked out of the hospital and he felt, all over again, the terror on the night that Adam had called at Stef's and Lena's. Every time visiting hours ended now and he had to go home, all he could hear was himself asking if Connor was still alive and Lena admitting that she didn't know. He didn't want that to happen again. Even if he couldn't save Connor – and Jude knew that if he couldn't, it was going to take the rest of his life to get over that – Jude wanted to be sitting with him when the end came. Jude shouldn't get to be warm and safe at home while his best friend was taking his last breath. He wanted to be able to be with him. He wanted to be able to be with Adam. He didn't want to have to find out in the after.

"Can I ask you something?" Jude said.

"Anything, Jude."

"I, um, I don't have a picture of him," Jude said. "I don't think he'd let me take one now and, so, I was just wondering …"

"Yes, of course," Adam said. "I'll find you one. A good, recent one. I think there's some from early summer with Jellybean in them."

"Yeah, that sounds great. Thank you." Jude picked up his sandwich, shifting in his seat. "How is she?"

"She misses him. She just knows he's not there anymore and I think she's already grieving." Adam gave his soup a stir. "But I guess we are too."

Jude stared at the boy in the bed. He teetered on the edge of it sometimes, but he wasn't _grieving_. Not yet. He still had his one bubble of hope and, come tomorrow morning, Jude would find out if it had popped or not.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Someone To Stay**_ **by Vancouver Sleep Clinic; and** _ **It Keeps You Runnin'**_ **by The Doobie Brothers.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	44. Queen Of Spades

Jude felt overdressed. He knew it was important for him to look grown-up, put together, and not like the dirty street kid he was when he went in front of the judge this morning, but that knowledge didn't help him when he was so used to jeans and hoodies that anything else made him feel naked. He picked at the buttons on his coat and looked at the kitchen clock. Five minutes. Stef had said that they would be leaving in five more minutes. It was an eternity, or so it felt like to the butterflies in his stomach.

"Jude, are you ready?" Lena called.

"Yes!" Jude shouted back.

He left the kitchen, feeling the bagel he had force fed himself first thing this morning turn to stone. He stood at the bottom of the stairs while Lena pulled her shoes on and Stef flipped through the piles of paperwork that they had managed to accrue.

"Okay, Karen is going to meet us there and hopefully we'll have our answer sooner than later," Stef said. She looked up from the paperwork to Jude. "Dr. Yang and Dr. Meyer are both going to be there. Remember, Jude, if this happens, it's going to be happening quickly. Are you ready?"

Jude nodded. "Yeah. Happening quickly will be the good part … Except, don't forget Connor's birthday cupcake."

"We won't," Lena promised, her arm around his shoulders. "Okay, let's go."

Right. Let's go.

(-.-)

Connor opened his eyes, his gaze being drawn toward the window, as he always did when he first woke up in the morning. The sky was light, a few clouds against the clear blue sky, and he wished to go outside. He wanted to experience and not just remember the difference between morning and night air – or just any air that wasn't hospital air, always tainted with the slight smell of medicine, no matter what anyone did.

"Happy birthday, Connor!"

"Thanks, Dad."

He didn't feel like it was his birthday. Birthdays were hard to feel but today didn't feel like a day to celebrate. He felt sore and achy, like he'd been beaten with a bat while he slept, but it was better than sharp, stabbing pain. But he hurt, his mind was cloudy, and he definitely didn't think that he felt like today was a day for celebrating anything. It felt like every other day that he had spent in the hospital. Birthdays were supposed to be different. But there would really be nothing different today.

"Is Jude here?"

"No, not yet. It's still pretty early. Here, I brought you something."

Connor tried not to watch his hand shake as he reached out to take the paper that Adam was offering him. No, not paper, photos. He turned them toward himself and tried not to cry.

"This is when we brought Jelly home?" Connor guessed.

"Her first day."

Tears started rolling down Connor's cheeks as he stared at his cat, being held by his mom, and he was never going to see Jelly again. He was sometimes unsure of an afterlife, though he knew it made him feel better to believe in it, even so, he might never see his mother again either. And when he died, if there was nowhere that his mother was waiting for him, then he would cease to exist, and his father would look at pictures of him and feel like he did now, looking at pictures of his mother, and Connor wouldn't care. He couldn't imagine that it would be better to be dead and not care.

"And I brought the movie for you and Jude, later," Adam said, but Connor had to interrupt.

"Dad?"

"What?"

"I'm going to miss you."

"Oh, Connor," Adam murmured, taking a seat on the edge of his hospital bed. "I'm going to miss you too."

(-.-)

There were so many people here that Judge Hawken wanted to talk to that Jude wondered how long it was really going to take. He had promised Connor he would get to the hospital room early, even though it might have been stupid for him to promise that since, clearly, Jude had underestimated what, exactly, was going on this morning. Connor would probably forgive him, if the news was good and Jude could tell him. If not, Jude would just let Connor be mad that he had been too late. He wasn't about to tell Connor that he had failed. He would hardly be able to tell himself if he failed.

It was hard to sit there and watch people give statements about him. They talked about Connor and his medical history a little bit but, mostly, it was all about Jude. It was about his health, his mental wellbeing, where he had been, what his life was like before, what his life was like now. They had him so picked apart that Jude wondered how they had gotten to know so much. He felt exposed, like a frog in a biology lab and he had to dig his hands into his pockets to keep himself grounded. It didn't matter what they wanted to do or say, not if it meant that Connor got to live. And it wasn't like they were saying anything _bad_ … Nothing that sounded bad to Jude's ears, anyway. Who knew how Judge Hawken was weighing things? Jude hated that he couldn't get a good grasp on what was going through anyone's mind.

Stef rubbed his shoulder and Jude looked over for her, trying to take comfort in the way that she nodded so assuredly at him.

Dr. Yang left the stand and Judge Hawken overlooked the small crowd of people gathered there.

"If it's all right with Jude's guardians, I'd like to speak with him alone in my chambers," she said.

"We're fine with it," Lena said.

So, Jude stood and edged his way over Stef, following the Judge's billowing black robes into the other room.

(-.-)

"Dad … Dad, I want to go home."

"Connor –"

"I know," Connor interrupted. "But, I'm not getting better. I'm not."

A tear glinted in the corner of Adam's eye and Connor hated to see Adam cry. He hated to be reminded that he was the pain.

"I want my cat. I want my bed. I want to be home and comfortable and in my own bed. I want more pictures of Mom and I … I don't want to die here but I'm going to die."

Adam gave a little nod before he shook his head. He sorted through the pictures until he found the one that he was apparently looking for and he turned the picture around to Connor.

"You look so much like her, you know. I wish she was here now. She'd know what to do with you, what to say. She might even have a kidney you could have and I … I'm so sorry that she's not here."

Connor gasped for a breath. "You … You're a good dad. I wouldn't want anyone else."

It made Adam smile and Connor was glad that he'd said it. After all of the fighting that they had done, all of the arguments they'd had, and all of the times that Connor had been snippy, it wasn't enough to just assume that Adam knew. Connor wasn't going to grow up. He wasn't going to get to the age where sons got to tell their fathers all that they had learnt.

"You're the best son," Adam said. "I've known you for sixteen years and every second has been worth it."

"There's … something about me you should know," Connor whispered, thinking of Jude, thinking about how people always talked about wanting to die with no secrets, and there was one thing that he had never been able to tell his father.

"Can I say something first?" Adam asked, taking Connor's hand in his own. Connor nodded. "I have known you for sixteen years and I see things that you might think that I missed. So, I just want to say that if you _want_ to tell me this because you need to say it, then I'm all ears, but you don't feel like it's something you want to say, don't worry about it. If you being sick has taught me anything, it's just that I need to love and support you, and I do. You are my son and that's the beginning and end of everything. I love you."

Connor hadn't been expecting his father to say that at all. He reached his hand up wiping at his eyes and trying not to make it obvious, though his father was making no movement to wipe his own tears away.

"I'm so proud of you," Adam said. "For the man that you are and for how long you've been trying to fight this. I know you're in a lot of pain and I know this hasn't been easy."

"It's getting harder," Connor confessed. "I don't know … I don't know how much longer I can …"

"I know." Adam's grip on his hand became almost a little too tight. "Believe me, I know. I think about it all the time."

(-.-)

Jude felt like he hadn't done very well when he was one on one with Judge Hawken. He had tripped over his words and he didn't think that he had ever figured out how to explain himself properly and he was worried that she would turn him down because he had spent so long just trying to figure out the best way to answer things. She might think that he was inept and too stupid to really be making this decision.

He returned to his seat between Stef and Lena. He couldn't help himself; he grabbed onto both of their hands. He knew that everyone else had been talked to and that, now, all that was left was the decision and he was suddenly so scared. It had been easy to be hopeful when the day wasn't here, when the decision wasn't real, but, now, looking at Judge Hawken's face, he felt the hope disappear. Her decision was real. Her decision was final. Once she opened her mouth, it was all over.

"I have carefully listened to all of our witnesses and I have weighed their testimonies and I have come to a decision."

Jude couldn't breathe.

(-.-)

"It gets worse," Connor confessed, "but it doesn't get better and I can't … I don't know how to …"

"I was hoping for your birthday," Adam said. "I was hoping that we would get one more birthday together and we have. If you want to go home, I'll talk to Dr. Meyer tomorrow and we'll do that and, then, if it's too much, you can go. It's okay, Connor, if it hurts too much and you have to go. It's not giving up. You can go and be with your mom and I know she'll take care of you."

There was no use in pretending that he wasn't crying now. Connor let the tears roll. There was always so much between he and Adam that had always been unspoken assumptions and it was hard to air them out now. He was going to die and Adam was telling him not to feel guilty about it when he did.

"I miss Mom," Connor admitted, "but you don't think she'd be mad if I wanted to stay with you for a little longer, would she?"

"Oh, no, of course not."

Then, Adam was hugging him tightly and Connor just clung to his father, crying into his shoulder. He was in pain and he was ready to die but he wasn't ready to stop living. He wasn't ready to give up what he had and the people he loved. He wasn't ready to leave behind trees and Jelly and Jude and Adam or even school, the mundane things too, because he had no idea what was coming next. It could be great; it could be awful. It would never be what he had here and he was in love with what he had here.

"I love you, Dad."

"I love you too, Connor."

(-.-)

Jude stared down at the bright pink cupcake box in his lap, trying not to pick at it. The inside of the car was silent; no one had even turned on the radio. His insides felt mixed up and he couldn't even get his head to produce one coherent thought. He just looked at the cupcake box, everything that Connor was weighing on his mind.

"You've been quiet, Jude," Stef said, and he felt like she shouldn't have broken the silence. There had been something nice about it; there had been something nice in knowing that he wasn't about to be asked how he felt, except that was going to happen now. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not yet."

"We're going to have to talk about it soon," Stef said. "We just want to know what you're feeling, make sure that you're okay with what happened."

 _Okay_. It wasn't enough of a word. "Disbelief."

That was as close as he could get right now. He wasn't sure how to explain himself any better. Luckily, they were in the hospital parking lot now, finding a space. Jude unbuckled his seatbelt and slid out his door.

"Hold on, Jude, we're coming with you."

Jude barely heard Lena's words. Connor was close. Connor was already so close and he couldn't slow down now. He made it through the hospital doors, not even thinking of how far Stef and Lena were behind him. He just needed to get to Connor.

He just needed to see his best friend.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Be Still**_ **by The Fray; and** _ **Summer**_ **by Benjamin Francis Leftwich.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	45. Nine Of Spades

Dr. Meyer was about to walk into Connor's room when Jude was, Stef and Lena only a few steps behind him. She put her hand on Jude's shoulder.

"Well, how do you feel?"

"You tell him," Jude blurted.

"Let's tell him together."

Dr. Meyer pushed open the hospital room door. Connor pushed himself up a little on his bed, Adam turning at the end of the bed to face them too.

"Jude, you're late."

It wasn't anything less than what Jude expected and it made him smile.

"Connor, I have an announcement," Dr. Meyer said. "We got you something for your birthday."

"You didn't have to do that," Connor said.

"Connor," Dr. Meyer said, interrupting him gently. "We found you a new kidney."

It wasn't Connor's face that Jude's gaze was drawn to. It was Adam's. Adam stood, standing slightly in front of Connor, as though he were guarding him.

"What? Now? Do we go now? What –"

"Actually, it's a live donor, so we have the surgery scheduled for first thing in the morning." Dr. Meyer's arm went around Jude's shoulder. "Jude has gotten himself tested and found that he was a match. This morning, he was granted permission to donate. That's why he was late, so you can maybe forgive him that," Dr. Meyer added.

"Oh, Jude!" Adam exclaimed and, then, before Jude could react, Adam had him in a hug so strong and so tight that Jude's feet cleared the floor. "Oh, Jude, you brave, amazing, man. Thank you, thank you!"

Jude gripped the top of the cupcake box and peered over Adam's shoulder to look at Connor, but there was nothing on Connor's face to read. He was sitting there, watching everything unfold in front of him, with nothing on his face that Jude could to discern. He was lowered back to his feet and then he turned, distracted, by Dr. Meyer's voice.

"Let's step outside for a moment," Dr. Meyer said. "Adam, Stef, Lena. We'll go over a few things and then we'll get Jude admitted."

"Are you going to put me in a different room?" Jude asked anxiously.

"No," Dr. Meyer said. "We'll work something out. Don't worry. You won't be apart."

The adults stepped outside and it was just he and Connor left in the room and there was nothing but relief in Jude now.

"I brought you your cupcake," Jude said, hoisting the box.

"Jude, come here."

He left the cupcake box on Connor's nightstand and sat on the edge of the bed, hugging Connor tightly before he even thought about wanting to. Connor tucked his face into Jude's shoulder, squeezing him tightly.

"Jude, you shouldn't do this."

" _What!?"_ Jude sat up, pushing Connor away, a little more roughly than he usually handled Connor, but he couldn't help it. "Why? You need one and I can give one."

"I'm sick, I might not survive surgery, what's the point in you giving up –"

"Shut up! The point is, you need one and I have one and you're going to die for sure without it and you're going to take it because I can't spend the rest of my life wondering if you would have lived and that's the whole point, Connor! What if you live?"

Connor blinked at him, looking dazed. "What if I live?" he repeated.

"What if you live? What if this was what you needed to really win over the cancer this time? I don't know what the word for that is –"

"Remission," Connor said. "You go into remission and then if you're in remission long enough you're called cured."

"I'm your best friend. This is what I'm here for."

"For body parts?"

"Don't turn into Callie," Jude scoffed. He grabbed Connor's hand. "I'm sorry I was late for your birthday."

"You really did all of this for me, Jude?"

"You mean that much to me. I couldn't not do it. I just … I want you to live. You said we'd know each other ten years from now and I want that to be true. But even if we don't, saving your life will always be worth it. I just … I don't want you to die. You _can't_. You're not supposed to die."

Connor hugged him again, hiding himself away in Jude's chest. "Thank you," he said, his voice muffled.

It didn't feel right to just say ' _you're welcome_ ' and so Jude didn't. He hugged Connor back, searching his mind for the right thing to say; the words that would mean enough, because he had to say something that meant something.

All that came out of his mouth was, "Happy birthday, Connor."

It was enough.

(-.-)

"You awake?"

"Yeah, it's still daylight."

"You just haven't said anything."

"You told me to concentrate on this stupid movie," Jude grumbled. "What was I supposed to do? Talk through it?"

"It's not stupid," Connor said defensively. "You said you'd pay attention!"

"I am!" Jude laughed, nudging Connor in his side. "Calm down, okay? I'm watching the movie. I'm liking the movie … Even though I haven't totally finished the book."

"Chapter and a half to go. We can try and finish it tonight."

"It's your birthday, so whatever you want."

"I know," Connor said smugly, which just caused Jude to nudge him in the ribs again.

Connor put his head down on Jude's shoulder and Jude adjusted himself to try and keep Connor comfortable. Adam, Stef, and Lena had gone out to get lunch and so Jude assumed that it would be the only alone time that he and Connor would get for the rest of the day, until visiting hours were over. Assuming Adam or Stef or Lena didn't spend the night with them either. It wasn't that Jude thought of their parents as an intrusion or anything but he always felt like he had to watch himself when they were around. He knew that they weren't judging him like he had been judged at Nic's but sometimes, he was still concerned that it would end up like that. He and Connor's conversations didn't get as stupid or as in depth when their parents were around, either, and so Jude was pacified knowing that Connor felt it too.

"Jude?"

"I thought you wanted me to watch the movie."

"I just … what happens to you if I don't live?"

Jude looked down at Connor, who was staring up at him.

"They talk to you about all of that stuff, you know. Whenever I was late, it wasn't because I was with Lena, it was because I needed to do counselling stuff. A lot of it. And, if you die, even after I give you my kidney, then at least I know that I tried to save you. I couldn't live not knowing that I didn't try."

A small smile graced Connor's face and he turned back to the TV. Jude returned his attention to the movie, watching Scout and Atticus talk. It was near the end of the scene when Connor spoke again.

"Jude?"

"What?"

"You know this means that you lied to me last now, right?"

"Shut up. Let me watch the movie."

Connor laughed and tucked himself closer to Jude. "Okay, Jude. Just watch the movie."

Jude rested his head on top of Connor's and really tried to pay attention to the screen. After all, it was Connor's birthday and it was all he wanted.

(-.-)

"How are you feeling?"

"Tired. I need to sleep soon," Connor said, watching Adam cross the room. "Are you staying tonight?"

"Do you want me to?"

"You've left Jelly all alone for four nights," Connor replied. "I'll have Jude tonight."

"And surgery in the morning," Adam said. "I still can't believe it. All along, Jude was a match … I … I didn't expect that."

"I was surprised he managed to keep it a secret. Jude said he wasn't good at keeping things from me." Connor's eyes fluttered and he fought down a yawn. "Do you know where he is?"

"Saying goodnight to Stef and Lena. I wanted to do the same. And make sure you didn't want me here tonight."

"You'll be here in the morning, right? Before I go under?"

"Bright and early. I'll be right here when you wake up, too. Are you ready for this?"

"Got to be," Connor said. "I don't think I deserve this, Dad."

"What do you mean? Connor, of course you deserve a chance to live and we both know that a live kidney donation has such a small chance of hurting Jude. You are both going to be just fine and I don't remember the last time I believed you were going to be fine."

Connor felt small at the words; he had felt small at his own admission too. "No, not the kidney. Maybe the kidney. But I meant a friend like Jude. Someone who would do that for me that isn't family. I don't know if I deserve _that_. Him."

"You two help each other. That's how friends work. Jude wouldn't do this if he didn't want to. If they thought that he shouldn't do this, they wouldn't have given him the okay to do this. I don't know how we'll ever pay him back for this but we're going to try."

Connor nodded, feeling tears building in the back of the throat.

"I'm sorry but this means you won't get to go home tomorrow like we talked about."

Connor felt a smile tug at his lips. "But if this works, I get to go home forever, right?"

"Right. And Jelly will be sitting in the doorway waiting for you."

"Give her lots of treats tonight, Dad, okay? Make sure she's happy."

"I will, I promise. And I'm just a call away if you change your mind, all right?"

"I know."

"I love you, Connor."

"You too, Dad."

Adam kissed his forehead and Connor had just a few moments alone before Jude was back, dressed in a hospital gown that was similar to Connor's – something that Connor, admittedly, found amusing. Jude sat on the end of the second hospital bed, swinging his feet.

"How's Stef and Lena?"

"I don't think they really wanted to go," Jude admitted, "but they also knew they kind of had to. They seem worried but I don't think they need to be. I don't think there's anything to be worried about."

"It is surgery."

"Which happens all the time," Jude said brightly.

"I wish I was confident like that."

"You will be, when you wake up after."

Connor chuckled a little and then nodded. "Yeah, probably."

"All right." Connor and Jude both turned to see Nurse Mac entering the hospital room. "How are we both feeling?"

"Good," Jude chirped, while Connor said, "Four. With heavy exhaustion."

"Well, you know what time it is," Nurse Mac said.

"Bed time." It was such a relief to know that he was going to be asleep in a few minutes. "Med time."

"Puns, I like it," Nurse Mac said. "I heard the good news about the morning."

"Has anyone not?"

"You've been here for long enough, we're all happy for you. Need some water?"

"No, I have some," Connor said, reaching for the cup at his bedside. He took his night pills and then settled back against his pillows. "Thanks, Nurse Mac."

"I'm on night shift again tomorrow night so I'll check up on you then."

"See you tomorrow."

At least, Connor hoped he would.

(-.-)

"You won't keep him up all night, will you?" Nurse Mac asked and Jude automatically shook his head. "Good. Also, can I expect you to stay in your bed tonight or are you just going to cuddle up like you do during the day?"

Jude tried not to make a guilty face but he was sure that he did. "Um … I think if you have to ask you probably already know."

Nurse Mac laughed. "All right, fair enough. Here, hop off the bed."

Jude obeyed quickly, helping Nurse Mac move his hospital bed closer to Connor's.

"Do you move around a lot in your sleep?"

"No," Jude said. He'd learnt to stay very still whilst laying next to Callie.

"All right. I'll be in later to check on you."

"Okay," Jude said. "Um, thanks."

"You're welcome, Jude," Nurse Mac said, and then he was gone.

Jude hopped back up on his bed, right next to where Connor was laying. His eyes were half-open.

"You're tired, go to bed."

"You're not," Connor said.

"You don't need to stay up with me. Maybe when you're better you won't go to bed at nine like an old lady."

"Whatever," Connor said.

Jude reached over to pick up his copy of _To Kill A Mockingbird_. He was so close to the end that he almost couldn't believe it; he almost couldn't remember starting it. Connor's eyelids fluttered.

"Read to me until I fall asleep."

"Please," Jude prompted, teasing.

"You will," Connor said confidently and Jude couldn't even tease him about it. He knew that he was going to do it. "Are you going to finish it?"

"You won't stay awake for the rest of it," Jude said, flipping through the remaining pages before returning to where he was supposed to pick up. "Even though there's not that much left. I can't finish it if you're asleep; you promised you'd _hear_ me finish it, remember?"

"The ending is my favourite part," Connor said. "I wouldn't be mad if you had to read all of it."

"Well, let's see how far I get while you're still awake."

"Okay."

Jude pulled his knees up and propped the book against his legs. Connor was snuggling into his side, his eyes already closed. Jude ran his finger down the page, finding the paragraph that he left off at. He started reading, his heart skipping a beat as Connor's hand reached up and insistently pulled at Jude's own until they were holding hands, cuddled close to Connor's chest. It was a challenge for Jude to figure out how to turn the pages with only one hand while keeping the book open, but he managed it. By the time Connor fell asleep, Jude's hand was cramping so badly that he didn't know if he could ever get it to stop. But he also had to admit something else: the ending was pretty great. There was something sweet about the way that Harper Lee's words sounded, come the end, and though Jude wanted to wait for Connor, he had read and reread so many parts of the book and had never felt annoyed by it once, so he was sure that he wouldn't mind reading the ending to Connor again. He flipped to the last page, reading the final line, and then a sense of sadness overcame him. He had finished it. The first book he remembered ever finishing. The book Connor had taught him to read on. The first thing that they had really shared and it was finished.

Jude didn't know why he felt so sad about it. He should be relieved. This book had taken him so long to get through and it wasn't even really that long of a book. He should be grateful to be able to turn to the last page and really be finished. Jude flipped the last page, to look at the empty back cover and was startled to find handwriting on the back page. Immediately, Jude recognized Connor's familiar print. He stared at the words, reading and rereading them, trying to make it all click, trying to make the words make sense:

 _Jude,_

 _Thank you for being the best friend anyone's ever had. Thank you for all of the time that you spent with me and thank you for all the good memories. You made my last days a lot better than they could have been. I know you're going to do a lot of amazing things when you grow up. You're smart and funny and anyone who knows you is lucky. Don't doubt yourself anymore! If there's an afterlife, I'll remember you. Even if there's not, I think I'll remember you anyway. You'll always be my best friend and I love you for that._

 _Miss you always,_

 _Connor._

It took several read throughs for Jude to inhale sharply, realizing that he wasn't supposed to find these words – wasn't supposed to finish the book at all, even – until after Connor was dead. Jude wondered how long ago Connor had sat down and written them, and when he'd had an opportunity to take Jude's book and write something in it. He traced Connor's letters, particularly the words near the end.

 _I love you_.

The 'for that' didn't matter, because Jude had been watching Connor not say the whole truth for nearly as long as Jude had not been saying the whole truth. Connor loved him too; Jude was as sure of Connor's feelings for him as he was for his feelings for Connor. He felt a tear prick his eye as he stared at the page. Connor wasn't going to die. This wasn't what he was going to be left with.

Jude shut the cover of the book and placed it on the nightstand. He turned out the light and then laid down on the uncomfortable bed, his head on the pillow that was just a little too flat. He turned into Connor, their joined hands curled between them. Jude watched Connor sleep for a moment before he closed his own eyes.

This time tomorrow, everything would be different.

(-.-)

It was far too early to be awake and Jude felt sluggish and tired. Sluggish and tired and hungry but he wasn't allowed to eat before surgery. The room was full of doctors, one of them explaining what was going to happen to he and Connor. Adam, Lena, and Stef were all paying rapt attention but Jude couldn't quite bring himself to listen. The specifics of surgery made him feel a little queasy – someone was going to be rooting around in his insides! – but the specifics weren't important. It was the end result.

"Okay, we'll be back in about five minutes to take the boys down to pre-op, unless anyone has anymore questions," Dr. Meyer said.

Adam shook his head. "No, we've been prepared for this for as long as I can remember."

"I think we're clear," Stef said.

"We'll worry until you're out, anyway," Lena said and she grasped Jude's hand. "Is there anything else that you need to know?"

"No," Jude said. "I'm all good."

Dr. Meyer left the room and Jude looked up at Stef and Lena. He asked them, "Are you guys nervous?"

"Yes," Lena said without hesitation.

"Mariana and Jesus are coming to see you after school. They're worried too," Stef added. "Brandon called the house this morning."

"Callie's probably losing her mind," Jude said, smiling as he thought of his sister's concern and then feeling a painful stab in his heart as he was reminded of the fact that he wasn't going to get to talk to her today. Even though it was all going to go fine, he still wished that he was able to hear her voice today. He wanted Callie to be able to tell him that it was all going to be okay.

"Well, you'll probably be getting a letter from her today or tomorrow," Stef said. "You'll be able to read it in recovery and laugh about how concerned she was."

"And that means lots of good news to tell her," Lena added.

"Right." Jude nodded, trying to feel confident in the motion, and then he glanced over at Connor, who was holding his father's hand and looking like he was desperately trying not to cry. It was Adam that looked back at him.

"Doing okay, Jude?" Adam asked.

"Great," Jude responded, and he was surprised at how good he really did sound about it.

"Is everyone ready?" A voice called from the door, and Jude knew that he was.

Adam let go of Connor to clasp Jude's hand. "Thank you, for this."

"I couldn't do anything else but this," Jude said. "See you later."

"See you later," Adam echoed.

Jude was taken from the room first, and he heard Lena's voice, saying Connor's name. He glanced over his shoulder, but Connor was right behind him in the hallway. Jude knitted his hands together and stared forward. He and Connor were taken apart and Jude's weight was taken again, he was given a pep talk by the nurse that attended to him, and then he and Connor were back in the same room, but just for a moment, as the nurse specified.

Jude took one look at his best friend and knew what Connor was thinking. "You're not going to die. It's all going to be okay, you know that, right?"

"Jude, but if I do, I think there's something you need to know." Connor's brow furrowed. "I haven't been able to tell you but if I die, I need you to know."

 _He's going to say he loves me_ , Jude realized, and his heart thumped in his chest. It wasn't the right time. He couldn't hear it and then say it back, knowing that they were about to be pulled apart from each other. He couldn't hear it and then not be able to kiss Connor back like he wanted to do. "Connor, no."

"Jude, don't –"

"No. If you have something more you need to say, then that's one more reason why you can't die on the table. It's one more reason for you to wake up from the surgery and I-I-I need you to do that. So, don't say it now. Say it when you wake up."

" _If_ ," Connor said emphatically.

" _When_ ," Jude corrected, feeling frustrated at his friend's lack of faith. Didn't Connor realize what a miracle it was that Jude was allowed to give a kidney at all? If Jude was allowed to do that, it meant that it was all going to be okay, and Connor just needed to have that kind of faith.

Connor didn't say anything and he and Jude just stared at each other until the hospital room door opened.

"See you on the other side," Connor whispered.

"See you after the surgery," Jude said and as Connor was taken away, Jude hoped that they weren't the last words he'd ever say to him.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Bring Us The Sun**_ **by Ben Cocks; and** _ **Send Me All Your Angels**_ **by Kris Allen.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	46. Queen Of Hearts

Cold.

All he felt was cold. He was shivering and, yet, no one seemed to notice. How could no one notice? There were people around him. He tried to open his mouth. He tried to tell them that he needed another blanket but it was like his jaw was clamped shut and his eyes wouldn't open. _Someone, notice I'm cold, please, I'm so cold_. It felt like an eternity, laying there, feeling people move around him and taking no notice of him. His brain grasped around fuzzily, trying to figure out where he was, trying to place him in the grand scheme of things. The last thing he remembered was being told to count backwards from ten. How far had he made it? Seven. He thought it was seven.

Was that important?

No. But he was so cold that it had to be the most important thing. It was the only thing that he could summon to the forefront of his brain. His cold, shivering brain.

He forced open his eyes. Hospital room. He opened his mouth a little. There were so many people in his room but they were all looking at each other, not at him. But he was cold and he needed a blanket. He needed … And then, he was finally taken notice of.

"Connor?! _Connor_."

"Dad," Connor croaked. "Dad, I'm cold."

"Okay," Adam said, smiling even though Connor could see tears in the corners of his eyes. "We'll get you another blanket. How are you feeling?"

"Fuzzy … I … I …" He felt like his whole being was grasping at straws that were made out of clouds. "Jude. Where's …"

"I'm right here!"

Connor felt too heavy to even move his head toward Jude's voice.

"I'm okay. Apparently, everything went _perfect_."

Connor supposed if the shoe was on the other foot, he'd sound as smug as Jude did now.

"You feel any pain at all?"

"Not yet. That's later."

"I know, I know," Adam said. "I just want to make sure nothing's wrong now."

"Cold," Connor reminded him.

And then, Dr. Meyer was there, Nurse Mac behind her with a blanket in his hands. As he tucked it in around Connor, she took a look at his wound, asking him questions about how he was feeling. Connor was used to the routine and the answers came easily, even though the fuzz around his brain wasn't going away as quickly as he wanted to.

"So, Dr. Meyer, how long until we know this worked? Not the rejection but the chemotherapy from before," Adam asked. "When will we know more?"

"We have to make sure that Connor doesn't reject Jude's kidney first. One step at a time, Adam. First, the anti-rejection meds, first the kidney's success, and then it will be time for us to go back, evaluate the cancer, and see how successful the last round of treatments were and if we need to come up with a new plan."

"Dr. Meyer, can I go home now?"

"Not right now," Dr. Meyer said. "We need to watch you for a while after transplant … You and Jude both, so you'll have company, at least. But, you'll probably be getting out of here pretty soon. We know we're driving you nuts."

"I wasn't going to say it like that."

"It's okay," Dr. Meyer said. "Your whole life now is about the anti-rejection meds, Connor. They are the most important thing."

"I won't forget," Connor promised. He had lots of experience taking his meds and had barely slipped up – and Adam was going to continue making him using the app on his phone to track his medications once he got home, Connor just knew it. "Did it … Do you really think it's going to stick?"

"At this point," Dr. Meyer said, "There's no reason to think it won't."

Connor couldn't think of anything to do or say and Adam was hugging him so tightly anyway that he just hugged his father back. There was no reason to think the transplant wasn't going to work. There was no reason to think that he wasn't going to get to go home. _What if you live_? Jude had asked. Connor had stopped considering it. Connor had stopped wondering what growing up would be like. He had tried to get used to the fact that his father was going to go on without him and that Jude was going to meet new friends and that, someday, they wouldn't remember him clearly. He had been trying to be okay with that.

"Connor!" Adam gasped and Connor clung tightly to him, feeling his father's relief in his shaking arms. It was Adam's optimism that really made Connor feel breathless. "And you feel okay?"

"Groggy."

"And warmer?"

" _Warmer_."

Adam tucked Connor back into bed, fussing with the pillows. Ms. Adams came over to sit at his bedside. She just smiled at him.

"You helped Jude lie to me," Connor croaked out and he was glad that she just laughed at him.

"You'll get over it," Jude assured him, and then, right after, Stef said, "Jude, in bed."

"I –"

"Am listening to the doctors. Don't move."

Connor could imagine that Jude wasn't taking that so well. He didn't quite have the energy to jump to Jude's defense yet – Jude seemed much more awake and, just this once, he could let Jude argue his own case. Besides, he knew that Jude was _right_ there and it wouldn't take long for Jude to be closer. Almost as close as Connor wanted to be but as close as Jude was clearly going to get. He had just let his eyes start to drift when there was another commotion at the door. He half-heartedly glanced over, only to find Mariana coming in, Jesus trailing behind her with his arms full of flowers.

"Brandon wants you to text him," Mariana said first to Stef, then, "How are you guys feeling?"

"Good," Jude said. "Connor's still really groggy."

"Jesus," Lena said, rising from Connor's bed, "here, let's put those down."

"Jude, there was also a letter from Callie waiting for you," Jesus said, handing the flowers off to Lena.

"Oh, good!"

Connor turned his head, watching Jude run his fingers through his blue hair and stare down at the envelope now in his lap. He just stared at him for a long minute before Mariana sat down on the edge of Jude's bed, obstructing his view. Connor could tell how happy Jude was to be surrounded by people that he knew were his people and, so, Connor looked back to his father.

"I'm so proud of you," Adam said.

"I didn't do anything," Connor protested.

"Yeah, you did. You're strong enough to get through this and I am so proud of you."

"I'm not healthy yet. Step one."

"Right," Adam said, smiling. "Step one."

Connor closed his eyes, feeling his father's hand on his own and listening to the soft babble of Jude's family talking. He was tired, he was in a little bit of pain, and he just felt completely content. For the first time in a long time, maybe he could hope.

(-.-)

Jude crossed his arms over his chest and stared down Nurse Mac, before realizing that the other man wasn't about to take his attitude. He dropped his arms before folding his hands together in a pleading gesture.

"Nurse Mac, you let us last night!"

"Well, last night, you hadn't had surgery yet."

"I'm not going to hurt him."

"You could just as easily hurt yourself. And you're not going to like that."

"I'm just going to do it once you leave," Jude said.

"I'll get you transferred to your own room where you won't be a danger to anyone," Nurse Mac said.

"I'd find my way back," Jude said, challenging him.

"Restraints."

"You wouldn't."

"Nurse Mac," Connor called, startling them both. Jude had already thought that Connor was asleep – perhaps rendering his argument with Nurse Mac even more pointless. "He is that stubborn. Please? Even just a little closer."

"All right," Nurse Mac agreed.

"He only has to ask once?" Jude demanded, and once Connor groaned loudly, Jude realized how his tone had come out. "Sorry but …"

He probably didn't have to say 'but' there and he guessed that Connor probably was rolling his eyes at him. He looked sheepishly back at Nurse Mac.

"Uh, but thanks."

"I'll take it," Nurse Mac said, giving out a sigh that Jude thought was more good-natured that anything before moving Jude and Connor close to one another again.

"Thank you," Connor said. "We'll be careful."

"I believe you. Okay, I'll be back in later."

When he was gone, Jude turned over, more onto Connor's bed than his own. It was the first time that they had been alone all day and it was just so calming to be able to look at him, to be able to know that it really had worked, and that when Dr. Meyer had said that they surgeries had gone off without a single hitch, she had meant it. But he hadn't really been able to _feel_ that truth until Connor was looking at him with his eyes bright. Connor reached out his hand and took Jude's, their fingers fitting together as they always did.

"I can't believe you. This. I can't."

"Get used to it."

"Stop rubbing it in."

"Not yet," Jude said. "Maybe someday but not yet."

Connor half-laughed. Jude snuggled even closer to Connor. Two days ago, he had been trying to talk himself out of believing that Connor wasn't going to be here. He'd been so sick, he'd looked like he was really dying, and now … Now, he had a real chance to fight again.

"And I'll get to hear you finish the book."

"You can have other priorities."

"I know, I know," Connor said. "But I can do that in the morning. Everything else is going to have to wait."

"I gotta tell you something …"

"What?"

"I finished the book last night."

"I told you that you wouldn't be able to put it down," Connor said and Jude thought that Connor was the one who was rubbing it in now. "What did you think?"

"I think that I found your note at the end," Jude said. "The now-that-I'm-dead note."

"Oh. Yeah, well, I didn't want there to be nothing," Connor said. "You would have been mad if there was nothing."

"You're not dead."

"I wrote it a long time ago," Connor said. "I didn't expect this. I didn't expect a kidney. I thought that the kidney failure would get me or the cancer would and it still might. I just … I wanted you to know that I was thinking of you. All the time."

"Connor …"

"You wouldn't let me say it before surgery," Connor said. "Are you going to let me say it now?"

They were so close that there wasn't any room for anything between them. Jude looked away from Connor's face and down to their linked hands. His heart double-thumped in his chest and he wanted nothing more than to tell Connor to say it. If Connor said it, he'd be able to say it back, and everything in his life would be … nearly perfect. He had a family, a safe place to be himself, and he would have Connor to be in love with and be himself with. But there was no Callie and, just like she had always been the one to raise him up, she was also what made him keep pausing. He had made the decision to give up his kidney without her and he would always remember the pain on her face when she found that out. Saying who he was and letting it out wasn't ever something that he could take back. And he couldn't do that without her. He looked back up at Connor, thinking that whenever it came up, he always thought of a reason to not let him.

"Not yet."

Connor stared at him for a long time and Jude felt his fingers loosen but Jude didn't let him let go.

"You're never going to want to hear it, are you? You know and you just don't want to hear it."

"It's more than that!"

Connor's heart monitor spiked and he turned his face into the pillow. "I'm just going to go to bed."

"Do you want me here?"

Connor glanced back up at him. "I think you already know that answer too."

Jude did. Connor pulled the blanket up over him, around his face. He closed his eyes and tucked his head but he still didn't turn away from Jude. Jude couldn't sleep. Not now, not when his stomach was churning and he still didn't know if he had said the right thing. He didn't know if he would ever be able to come back and he was so worried that he would regret it. But, Connor fell asleep with his hand still in Jude's, and Jude had hope for something else: that Connor would still be his, when Jude was ready to give himself to him. He really did believe that Connor wasn't going to give up on him while Jude figured himself out. He was sure that Connor would forgive him anything … and, Jude could now pull the I-saved-your-life card in order to get him to at least shut up and listen.

Feeling exhausted, Jude pulled Connor's blanket over him too and fell asleep listening to his best friend breathe.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Million Dollar Secret**_ **by Lucius** _ **;**_ **and** _ **Fall Into Me**_ **by Hey Monday.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	47. Ten Of Spades

**Hey guys, I'm going to try and not have updates interrupted by Christmas, but forgive me if that happens. I'm also going home for Christmas, so updates will probably be coming out a little bit early because of time zones.**

 **Happy reading!**

 **~TLL~**

"So … You did it."

"Callie, of course." Jude shoved his blankets down his bed with his toes, just to have something to do with his body. "I told you that in my last letter."

"I know … I know but I hated the thought of you being in the hospital when I couldn't be there with you. Did everything really go okay, Jude? Are you really fine?"

"Yeah! I mean, I have a scar now and it's not _totally_ healed yet, but almost. Everything went okay in surgery and everyone says that I'm healing great. I know you were worried but, look, you didn't need to be."

Callie sighed at hm. "And what about your friend?"

"You really care?"

"About you, of course. You did this and I want there to be a good reason why. So, is Connor okay?"

"Yeah. He's mad that I got out of the hospital but he didn't. He's been healing well from the kidney transplant and there's been, like, _no_ signs of rejection, which is good, but it's still not time for them to do retesting for the cancer, so that's got Adam and I upside down. But, he should be fine. He wants to go home and he's mad that I was allowed out and he's still there but, you know, soon. Eventually. Can I come see you soon?"

"That's more words per second than I've ever heard from you," Callie said. "Um, yeah, yeah, come see me, there's something I have to tell you."

"Something bad?"

"Just something I want to tell you. Don't worry too much, okay?"

"I do worry about you."

"You're the little brother, that's not your job," Callie said, the familiar superiority in her voice. "And you just hacked up your body and got rid of one of your organs so you've proven that you're the one that we need to worry about."

"You'll get over it one day."

"We'll see," Callie said and Jude could tell that she didn't really believe that it was going to happen and he should have expected that too. "You would tell me if something was wrong, right?"

"Yeah. Only 'cause you'd get _way_ more mad if you found out after."

Callie laughed. "It's true but that shouldn't be the only the only reason that you'd tell me."

"It's not," Jude said, taking a deep breath as he felt a lump build in his throat. He'd promised himself that he was going to be more honest with all of his feelings and maybe that would help him finally be honest with himself, and with Connor. He had been so sure that he would be ready to say it back if Connor ever said it again because he felt it so strongly. He felt his love for Connor in every part of who he was and, so, he thought that he could be who he was and he hated himself for being wrong. "I miss being able to tell you things. I miss you being right there. I miss you, a lot."

"I miss you too," Callie whispered. "Is your new sister better than me?"

"No!" Jude said. "But I do think you'd like her. I want you to get to meet her someday."

"Someday," Calle said, hemming and hawing, and Jude knew better than to ask her when she thought someday was. She wouldn't be honest with him, even if she did know. Not over the phone, at least.

"I'll see you soon?"

"You will," Callie promised. "What are you doing today?"

"I have to take a science test with Lena tonight after I get home from seeing Connor and so I have to study with Connor. He's started trying to do his homework again which is good. Not just because it means he's feeling better but it also means that I might not have to start school not knowing anyone."

"When are you starting school?"

"September. That was the deal with Lena. She'd spend until then homeschooling me and trying to get me caught up with other kids my age but, either way, I have to start school in September." He didn't mention to Callie that he was made this offer because of Connor and because of his and Lena's unspoken assumption that Connor was probably going to die and that Jude wasn't going to sit in a classroom instead of in the hospital room with him.

"You've still got lots of time to learn."

"Yeah, there's just a stupid amount to learn," Jude grumbled. "It's _hard_."

"I know," Callie said. "I've been trying to do some studying here. I dropped out of school too, remember."

"Yeah, I remember. You didn't tell me you were studying."

"You didn't ask," Callie replied. "I might try to get a G.E.D. Something, at least. You know, I don't want to get out and have nothing."

"Are you getting out?"

"Not for a long time, Jude."

It crushed him to hear it, even though it had always been true.

"So, I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Okay," Jude said.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

And, then, she was gone again.

Jude put the phone down on his nightstand and went about getting dressed for the day. His teeth brushed, Jude carried the phone downstairs to put it back on its charger. For once, he was home alone, both Stef and Lena at work, and Mariana and Jesus at school. He double checked that his bag had everything that he would need to study in it and then he headed out of the house, locking the door behind hm. It wasn't a bad walk to the hospital and he liked the time where it was just him and the whoosh of cars passing on the street. His thoughts ran through his head like a ribbon. Nothing sticking, nothing consuming him or worrying him. But, as much as he enjoyed it, he was still happier to get into the hospital room and head up to Connor's room.

"Jude! Jude! Come here!"

"Is something wrong?" Jude demanded, dropping his backpack to the floor and sitting next to Connor's face.

"No!" Connor said and his grin was so wide that Jude had to take pause.

"Are you going home!?"

"Not yet," Connor grumbled. "Give me your hand!"

Jude did and, then, Connor slid Jude's hand underneath the brim of his hat.

"Feel that? Feel it?"

Jude did, the prickles tickling his palm. "Is that … hair?"

Connor nodded. "Yeah! I've been off the chemo long enough that it's starting to grow back! Jude, I'm gonna have hair again!"

Jude hardly remembered what Connor looked like with his full head of healthy-looking hair.

"Really? You going to grow it that long again?"

"Yeah, of course. I can't _not_ grow it out when it can grow! It's going to take forever but I'll wait because I'm no longer going to look like Humpty Dumpty."

"You didn't look like an egg."

"Kind of," Connor said. "Or a really ugly baby."

Jude rolled his eyes. "You looked fine without the hair."

"You don't mean that," Connor said. "But, thanks. Now, I won't be buried bald."

"You're not going to get buried," Jude said. "Dr. Meyer said optimism was half the battle."

"You don't have to listen to her that religiously."

"She's your doctor. Who else am I going to listen to?"

"Nurse Mac. I think he does know everything. Also, I told him I'd go for a walk when you got here too."

"All right," Jude said, standing up. "Come on."

Connor shuffled himself out of bed, sliding his feet into the thick slippers he wore when he left bed, because he left bed now. It had been nearly breathtaking to watch Connor take unsteady steps around his room, clinging to Nurse Mac and Adam. Now, he was taking short walks around the floor, mostly confident in his feet, but he still didn't take walks alone, just in case. And he still clung to Jude's elbow with one hand as he walked, but Jude didn't really believe that was for a 'just in case' kind of reason.

"How was your walk this morning?"

"I fell," Connor admitted. "Well, actually Nurse Mac tripped me."

"On purpose?"

"No. Well, I kind of stumbled and his foot was in the wrong place and so I tripped on his foot and fell down. It wasn't his fault but I told him it was."

"Nurse Mac wouldn't take that," Jude snorted.

"No, he didn't," Connor agreed. "But it didn't stop me."

"Because you're annoying."

"If I'm so annoying, why are you here every day?"

"Because I don't believe you're annoying and alive," Jude said, paying more attention to Connor's feet than the conversation. Connor was still moving at a crawl that more resembled the elderly and Jude had to actively remind himself to keep to Connor's pace and that he'd hurt his shaky friend if he ever forgot.

"So, when you believe I'm alive, you won't be here every day?"

" _Connor,"_ Jude groaned. "Stop being needy."

Connor glanced up at him and Jude was worried, for a second, that Connor would get defensive about it. He had, once or twice, when he thought that Jude was toeing too close to mocking him about the confession that Jude hadn't let him say. Jude had hoped that Connor would think better of him than that and he tried not to hold Connor's bitterness against him. It was all Jude's fault, after all. Jude was the one who had gotten scared at the last second. Jude was the one who hadn't been ready.

"I kind of have to be. I don't think I could finish the lap of the floor by myself yet."

Jude half-laughed.

"Besides," Connor continued, "I'm practically getting you through school –"

"Lena –"

"Doesn't see you as much as I do."

Jude couldn't even refute that. There was no one that saw him more than Connor did.

"Callie's going to let me go see her next visiting day," Jude said. "She said she has something to tell me but she wouldn't tell me over the phone so that means it's bad."

"It doesn't," Connor insisted. "Slow down, Jude! But, I wouldn't tell really _good_ news or really _bad_ news over the phone. I'd wait until I saw you in person."

"It's got to be bad news," Jude said. "She'd just tell me good news. I really think that she would. Hey, you okay? Your breathing sounds weird."

"Is this the last hall?"

"Yeah, we're almost back to your room."

"Then, I'm okay."

Jude tightened his grip on Connor's arm, glad when they turned the corner and he could see Connor's hospital room. He helped Connor back into his bed, making sure that Connor had a drink of water before he even asked for it. He sat on the end of the bed, waiting until Connor seemed okay enough before he asked, "Are you all right?"

"Yeah. I just hate that it's so hard, Jude. It shouldn't be this hard to go for a walk and I am so tired of being sick."

"But your hair is growing back!" Jude said. "You're getting better! Soon, you might forget what it felt like to be sick!"

Connor tucked his hand up under the edge of his hat. "My hair _is_ growing back."

"See? Good things, Connor!"

"Good things, Jude."

Some things, Jude would agree, were going to be good.

(-.-)

Lena went with him to visit Callie this time. Jude was sure that both she and Stef had been curious enough that they had both wanted to meet her and he was glad that they were both going to get to meet Callie. He wanted to make sure that they knew Callie was real, even though they had never treated her like anything less than very real and very important.

Jude jumped to his feet the moment that he saw Callie and she wrapped her arms around him the moment that she saw him. He clung to her, feeling weightless in her presence. There was so little weighing him down these days that he hadn't noticed the slight weight on his shoulders, but everything was gone when Callie was there, and he was sure that it was the old faith that she would always make things better. It didn't matter what it was. Callie could fix it.

"Are you okay?" she asked. "Like, really?"

"Really. Want to see my scar?"

Callie pulled away from him, an exasperated look on her face. "Just sit down, Jude, before you give me a migraine."

"Usually it takes me longer to do that," Jude quipped. "That's a sign you're not seeing me enough."

Callie took her spot across the table from Jude, glancing over at Lena. Lena smiled brightly and offered her hand. "Hi, I'm Lena."

Jude nervously watched Callie, wondering if she would be as stand-offish as she had been with Stef. He hoped not. She'd been so much angrier at him when she had met Stef and Lena had more of a calming attitude about her that he was hoping would sneak under Callie's multitude of defenses.

"Right," Callie said. "I've heard about you."

"I'd hope so," Lena said happily. "It's nice to finally meet you."

"Can I ask you something about Jude's adoption?" Callie asked, skipping by the pleasantries.

"Anything you want," Lena replied.

"When will it be finalized?"

"It takes longer than we'd like but we're hoping by the beginning of summer."

Callie's gaze shifted to the tabletop. "That's not that far away."

Jude wasn't sure what emotion was supposed to be in her voice. He had no idea what she was thinking or feeling. He poked her shin with his toe under the table but she didn't react, not even to tell him to buzz off.

"Is there something on your mind?" Lena asked her.

Callie ignored her, looking up at Jude, and he knew. He knew that this was the bad news. Connor had been wrong – it wasn't good news at all.

"So, I took the deal. It's five years with good behaviour. It's … I'm not going to be staying here. Things are going to be moving forward soon and I need you to be prepared."

"You're not going to cut me off now, right? You're not going to tell me that I can't call or write or come visit anymore, right?"

"Jude, I just don't know how things are going to –"

" _Callie!_ " Jude snapped. "What if I decide to cut out another organ?"

"It seems unlikely," Lena said. "And, it seems unlikely that we'd let you so soon after this surgery."

"My point is," Jude said, "don't you want to know?"

Callie drummed her fingers lightly on the table, glancing at Lena and then back to Jude. "It's not that I don't _want_ to know, Jude, and it's not like I want you to not be with me as much as you can. I don't want to hold you back. For you to have to deal with someone living this kind of life …"

"You never saw me as a burden, even when I was. Why would I see you like that?"

He had rendered Callie speechless and he wondered if he had ever done that before this successfully.

"We care about you too," Lena added. "It's not just Jude that we're adopting into our family. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, you have our support. When you get out, it doesn't matter when, you can come to us. We want you to have Jude as much as we want Jude to have you."

Callie blinked rapidly and stared down at the tabletop. "I'm glad he finally found good people."

"We're glad he found us too," Lena said. "Is there anything that we can do now to help you, Callie?"

She shook her head. "No. Thank you for bringing Jude to see me."

"We want you in each other's lives."

Callie had a grim smile on at Lena's comment and then she looked back at Jude, who couldn't help but just stare at her. Whatever else she was going through here, it was definitely a better place for her than the life they had been living.

"You need to be better about upkeeping his hair. You're almost more brown than blue now, Jude. Or, are you giving up on the dyed hair?"

Jude shook his head. "No. Nope. I still like it. Even if you never did."

"I never said –"

"Except for all the times you did," Jude snorted. "Don't lie."

"Well, I said a lot of things. And I did help you with it so you can't hold it against me."

"I don't hold anything against you. Which means you shouldn't either."

Callie quickly looked away from him and Jude knew that there wasn't a whole lot that she would want to say in front of Lena. The fact that he had gotten so much out of her already was either a sign of the apocalypse or it showed how scared Callie really was about how things were going to change for her and Jude honestly didn't know which one he'd prefer. Callie shouldn't have to be so scared. She had done bad things – no one could deny that – but she did them all for him. She did them all to save him and he felt like no one was listening to that. He felt like no one realized that all of the things that she had done weren't for herself and that Callie might have had a very different life if she hadn't a little brother, especially one that was accused of being gay and beaten nearly to death because of it on more than one occasion.

"How's school going?" Callie mumbled.

"Jude's a great learner!" Lena said happily, and Jude could sense how much she was trying to keep her voice upbeat.

"Yeah?" Callie said, and Jude let the conversation revolve around the topic of school.

It was easier than thinking about how Callie was definitely going to be spending at least five years in jail and how she might end up in a jail far enough away that he couldn't see her like he wanted to. The idea of only having phone calls and letters from her was nearly enough to kill him. If there was one thing he still needed to make his life perfect, it was Callie with him in Stef's and Lena's house, knowing what a safe home felt like. Jude knew that Callie had never known what that was like and he hated that she had been denied that.

"Can I come back next week?" Jude asked, knowing his time to visit was coming to an end.

"Yeah. I want you here every week because I might … might not be somewhere where you can visit me soon."

Jude threw his arms around her. "I miss you."

"I love you," Callie replied. "It'll all be okay, Jude. It will."

"We'll see. And, I'll see you soon?"

"You will," Callie promised.

And, then, Jude had to leave.

He felt heavier when he had to walk away from Callie. It was the same kind of feeling knowing that he was leaving Connor in his hospital room. Jude wondered how he had ended up with the better life. No illness, no jail, just a warm house with people that cared about him. It didn't feel right for it to be him. He didn't deserve it. Well, he might deserve it but he knew he didn't deserve it more than Connor and Callie did. He definitely deserved it less than they did.

"What do you think about Callie going away?" Lena asked when they were in the car.

"I feel like I knew it was going to happen. I hoped it wouldn't because I don't want that to happen to her but, also, I knew that there was a lot of stuff going on that I didn't understand and I still don't really get it. I know she doesn't want me to. And, so, I'm not surprised but it still hurts. She just loves me. That's the reason anything ever happened to her. She was a cute kid, you know, when we went into the system. She wasn't a baby or anything but she was still young enough that she _might_ have been adopted except that there were two of us. If there weren't two of us, Callie would be so different."

"She wouldn't have wanted to leave you behind."

"No and I know that. If she wanted to get rid of me, she had a lot of chances to just leave me behind. She loves me. And no one will ever do what she did for me and love me like that. I mean, no one should have to. She was … It was … _bad_ ," Jude said emphatically, looking out the window. "But we should have had parents, someone to love us both like that. I think I still feel guilty about that, a little, sometimes, even though she made the choices, I was the reason she had to make them."

"Oh, Jude, I don't know what to say. You're a good kid and so is she. We're here to help both of you, however we can."

Jude stared down at his sneakers, watching his toes move inside of them. "I like that you admit that you don't know sometimes. It makes you seem more like a person."

"I am a person," Lena said, laughing, and it was such a nice sound that the tension within the car finally broke.

"Yeah but it makes you seem more like one."

"Want to grab some lunch before we go to the hospital?"

"Nah," Jude said. "Being in that place and seeing Callie like that really makes me _not_ hungry."

"Okay."

Jude turned up the music in the car for the rest of the drive. When they were finally at the hospital, Lena reminded him that he had homework to get done before he came home. Jude half-nodded and pulled his bag over his shoulder, heading inside, realizing that he didn't feel as heavy as he had before when walking into the hospital. He felt hopeful. His scar was healing well. Connor's scar was healing well. Connor wasn't getting short of breath on his daily walks anymore. Connor's hair was noticeably growing back. There was no reason for Jude to feel heavy in the hospital anymore.

He turned into Connor's room, only to find that Connor wasn't there. Adam was, sitting in his normal chair, but the hospital bed was perfectly made, like no one had ever sat in it. All of Connor's things – his book, pens, the homework he had started to try and do again, was all packed away, there was nothing in sight. It could have been anyone's hospital room and Jude's heart double-thumped in his chest. Where was Connor? Had he been wrong to be lulled into a false sense of security?

Where was Connor?

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Everyone Falls**_ **by Beth Thornley; and** _ **Wild Ones**_ **by You Me At Six.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	48. Ace Of Diamonds

"Adam –" Jude started, but he was cut-off by the bathroom door opening.

"Dad, I'm definitely going to need a different belt. Everything's too big for me."

There was Connor, in a t-shirt and jeans, an unbuttoned plaid shirt hanging off his thin shoulders. He caught sight of Jude and grinned brightly.

"I'm going home, Jude!"

" _WHAT?_ "

"I'm going home!" Connor repeated. "They're releasing me this afternoon! Like, _now_. I'm going home _now_!"

"Really?" Jude said, looking at Adam, knowing that Connor was going to be too excited and just brush off the concern. "You're really ready for that? You're going to be okay at home?"

"At this point, as long as we follow the rules and keep a close eye on him, there's no difference in him being cooped up here and him being home," Adam said. "So, we're going home today."

Connor looked so happy that it was hard for Jude to feel concerned.

"You're coming over, right, Jude?"

"Well, yeah," Jude said, though he watched for Adam's nod out of the corner of his eye.

"You can call Stef and Lena to tell them where you are," Adam said. "Okay, Connor, sit, and I'm going to go find someone about your discharge papers."

Connor immediately took a seat in one of the chairs, avoiding the bed completely. Jude sat in the chair that Adam vacated.

"Ready to go home?"

"I've been ready to leave here since I got here," Connor replied, "but I really didn't know if I'd get to and I can because of you."

"I'll take the blame for that," Jude said and Connor laughed, just like Jude hoped that he would. It was so good to hear Connor's laugh again – full, not weakened by coughing, and bright. Connor was really happy again and Jude could take credit for giving him that.

"Jelly's gonna be waiting for me," Connor said.

"Which is what really matters to you."

"Yeah," Connor admitted. "I've missed her … And I still can't believe you snuck her in here."

Jude just shrugged. "What else was I supposed to do?"

"There's no better best friend than you," Connor said, sadness in his tone, and Jude was just relieved that Adam, Nurse Mac, and Dr. Meyer were in the room before he had to think of a reply.

"Ready, Connor?" Dr. Meyer asked.

"You have _no_ idea."

"All right, in the wheelchair," Nurse Mac said. "And you have to take these."

Connor picked up the messenger bag he normally carried around, leaving the bigger bags for Adam and he held it carefully on his lap. Nurse Mac handed him a pile of papers, explaining that they were informational brochures on how to take care of himself now. Connor nodded along and tucked the papers into his bag.

"We'll see you soon for a check-up," Dr. Meyer said. "We're doing that a lot to make sure everything's going all right."

Connor nodded. "Okay, let's go."

Jude took one of the bigger bags while Adam took the other and they followed Connor out. He was being pushed by Nurse Mac and they talked softly on the elevator ride down. Jude was left standing with the two of them while Adam went to bring his car around.

"Will you miss me, Nurse Mac?"

"I miss all of you when you go," Nurse Mac said. "But I'm glad when you finally get to go home."

"Instead of going and not going home," Connor said. "Do you remember Jake?"

"Of course," Nurse Mac said. "It looked like you and he were about to become good friends. But, no survivor's guilt from you, okay? Jake's cancer was aggressive and it's not your fault that you got a miracle."

"Thanks, Nurse Mac."

Adam's car pulled up to them. The trunk opened and Jude hurried to be helpful, putting the bags away while Connor slid into the front seat.

"Thanks for doing that, Jude."

"No problem."

Jude took his spot in the back, sitting in the middle seat. He called Lena while he was in the car and she was overjoyed.

"Really? I'm so happy for Connor! Make sure you tell him I'll come in and see him when we pick you up tonight."

"I will."

"Call when you're ready for that but try not to make it too late, all right?"

"I will, promise."

Jude hung up the phone and leant forward to slide it into the cupholder that Adam kept it in.

"What do you want for your first dinner home, Connor?"

" _Pizza_ ," Connor said without hesitation. "I want a giant pepperoni pizza."

"All right. I think we can manage that. You like pepperoni pizza, Jude?"

"Yeah, it's my favourite pizza," Jude said. It was the truth, though he probably would have said it no matter what Connor had suggested. Connor was almost home.

When they turned down Connor's street, Connor dragged his messenger bag into his lap and fished out his housekeys. He jingled them against his palm and, for a while, they were the only sound in the car. Jude leant forward when Connor's house came into sight, wanting to see the look on Connor's face and Connor looked so overjoyed that Jude knew he probably wouldn't ever come close to understanding what Connor was feeling.

"Dad," Connor said when the car was turning into the driveway. "She's –"

"Waiting. Go."

As soon as the car was stopped, Connor flung his car door open. He didn't bother to shut it as he raced to the front door. Jude was worried he was going to trip and hurt himself but he didn't say a word as Connor managed to let himself in his front door.

"I think he still likes the cat better than me," Jude said, relieved when Adam boisterously laughed.

"Yeah, join the club. Do you mind helping me with the bags again?"

"No, not at all."

Jude pulled the smaller of the two bags behind him and up to the front door. Connor was sitting just inside the entrance, Jellybean trapped in his arms. She was purring so loudly that Jude was surprised that the walls weren't shaking. He lingered in the doorway as Adam put the bag down.

"Come on, Connor. Let's get you over to the couch."

"She missed me too, Dad!"

"I know. I know she did. We all did."

Connor didn't let go of Jellybean as he staggered off toward his living room. Jude shut the front door behind him, kicked off his shoes, and then followed Connor. He didn't want to let Connor out of his sight. In the hospital, it didn't matter quite so much if something went wrong because he was surrounded by people who knew how to take care of him. If something went wrong now, if something happened to him, what were Adam and Jude supposed to do? What _could_ they do?

"Come on, Jude! Let's find something to watch."

Jude shoved Connor's feet out of the way to sit at the other end of the couch. He didn't even care what was on the TV – and he didn't really think that Connor cared all that much either. He was laying on his side, Jellybean tucked against his chest, and Jude was sure that she was going to get most of his attention for the night, not that he'd ever be upset about that.

Connor nudged the remote down the coffee table with his foot and Jude could take a hint. He picked it up and turned the TV on but it didn't matter to him what they were watching because Jude never took his eyes off Connor, curled around Jellybean with his hands buried in her fur. She had her head tucked down against him and she just kept purring, something Adam laughed about every time he walked through the room, overly attending to Connor, which Jude could see was staring to annoy his friend, but he never brushed Adam off. He let him refill his water glass, ask him every few minutes if he was hungry, and pester him about meds.

When it was late enough, Adam came in and asked about dinner again.

"Extra pepperoni," Connor chirped.

"Yeah, okay," Adam laughed. "I'm going to go pick it up since we need breakfast food too. Need any snacks?"

"I've been living off hospital food _forever_."

"So, yes to the snacks?'

Connor nodded vigorously. "What do you want, Jude?"

"Oh, whatever is fine. I –"

"He likes barbeque chips," Connor interrupted.

"All right. I'll grab some of those too." Adam placed the home phone on the coffee table next to Jude. "Just in case."

Jude's gaze was drawn to Connor, who looked like he was pretending not to hear what was going on, but there was no way Jellybean's ears were _that_ interesting.

"Are you that worried?" Jude asked, because he was, because there was a lump of worry in his throat that was so big Jude didn't think that there was any way it would ever leave him. He was going to die with that lump of worry still in his throat.

"No. Dr. Meyer wouldn't have let him come home before she was sure it was the right time. I won't be far and I won't be long. He'll be fine."

"Okay …"

"But, if you're too nervous, you can come with me."

"We'll be fine," Jude said. Adam had been hovering all day, which was fair, he wanted to see Connor home too, but Jude was used to having Connor be all his when they were together, and he wanted those few minutes when it was just he and Connor. "You won't be gone long."

"Right … Bye, Connor."

"Bye, Dad."

The door latched behind Adam and Connor pulled himself up a little more, readjusting Jellybean into his lap.

"I'm going to be fine. You don't have to keep looking at me like that."

"Like what?" Jude asked. Had Connor really noticed his staring? Because Jude was sure that half of it was concern and half of it was him just being a lovelorn puppy and he wasn't sure which one Connor would have picked up on.

"Like I'm going to croak in front of you. I'm home … I …" Connor looked down at Jellybean, scratching under her chin so that she was looking up at him. "I didn't make it this far for something to happen to me now."

"Well, that's the scary thing is that things just happen and it doesn't matter when. One morning, it's normal, and then your best friend has cancer and then your sister's in jail, and you're being adopted and your whole life is different and you never expected it to be. And the thing is, it would all be the same if you didn't talk to some jerk tutor."

Connor squinted at him. "Are you … _blaming_ me?"

"What? No!" That definitely wasn't where Jude had been trying to go with that but he obviously wasn't doing the right thing if that was what Connor was getting out of that. "No. I mean, everything would be the same if I had never met you but I'm not saying I would rather not have you."

"Oh."

Connor looked down at Jellybean and Jude was left just staring at him again. Connor was definitely looking less pale, with just the littlest bit more colour in his cheeks, if his hat was taken off, he would have a short, noticeable, amount of hair on his head. He was looking healthier but he was still just as attractive as Jude had always found him, and now, looking at him and thinking about how he no longer looked like a corpse, Jude just wanted to say it. But Connor had just come home and, just like every time before, it never felt like the right time.

"I was just trying to say that you can stop looking at me like I'm going to die. You and Dad. I know. Cancer and all of that but I'm doing better and you can't keep staring at me like you did when I was doing worse."

"I didn't know you were coming home. I don't understand medical stuff. Last time I trusted you to tell me the truth about your medical condition you told me you had a blood disorder, not _cancer_. And, you know, I kind of gave you a kidney which means it's kind of important to me that you live so …"

For a moment, Jude was worried that Connor would think that he was trying to pick a fight. He wasn't, really, he just wanted to lay it all out. But, then, Connor smiled at him.

"You're my favourite mother hen, you know?"

"I am not –" Jude started and then he let out a huff. "Yeah, okay, fine, maybe. But you're just going to have to let me. I'm not going to apologize for it."

"So, will you do something for me?"

"I already gave you body parts. How much more demanding can you be?"

Connor laughed. "Will you stay over tonight?"

"You want me to?"

Connor nodded. "Yeah."

"Will your dad want me to?"

"I'm fresh out of the hospital. He's more concerned than you, if you can imagine _that_. Plus, you saved my life so odds are he actually likes you more than me right now."

"He doesn't," Jude scoffed while Connor shrugged.

"Will you?"

"Yeah, of course, if you want me to."

"Good. I didn't want to be alone tonight."

"Well, your dad's not going to leave you."

"I know _that_ ," Connor said. He picked up one of Jellybean's paws and she didn't even open her eyes. "Jelly won't leave me either. But, like, I'm used to people being in and out of my room a lot and stuff so I think it'll be too quiet, you know? I think you being there will help."

Jude did know, but he didn't think it had anything to do with the quiet. He could see the lines of worry on Connor's forehead and it was that moment when Jude realized that Connor was scared for himself too, despite how flippantly he spoke to Jude and Adam. Connor was scared that he wasn't as safe in his own house as he was somewhere else and Jude understood that. He understood everything that Connor didn't want to say and he understood enough to not make Connor say it.

"Yeah, I'll stay. You gotta ask your dad before I ask Stef or Lena though."

Connor shrugged. "I just want you here. And I think Dad will panic less if it's not just the two of us in the house. See, Jude, you save everyone."

"Except Callie."

"What do you mean?"

"She's really going to go away. I saw her this morning. There's nothing I can do and I just don't want her to be gone. I don't want her to think I've got a new family and a new life and I don't need her because I always need her. I'm still kind of scared to do anything without her."

"You're, like, really independent, though."

Jude laughed. Had he ever been independent? Connor probably just didn't realize how dependent Jude had been on Callie. From all that Jude had been able to tell him, Connor probably did think that Jude didn't need anyone but that was the furthest thing from the truth. He wouldn't be alive without Callie. He couldn't live without Connor.

"That's just because you're sheltered."

Connor laughed. "You've always said that."

"Well, I've always meant it. You just went outside for the first time in a _long_ time."

"Yeah, well, I wasn't allowed. Now that I am allowed, now that I might get better … I might be able to have a life again. Think about it! I can play baseball again and ride my bike again or even just fall down without it being the end of the world! And I know that I'm kind of getting ahead of myself because we don't even know if the chemo worked but I feel better. And, like, that could be the fact that my organs aren't dying but I do. I do feel better."

Jude rested his head against the back of the couch. Connor was cute when he started rambling and Jude just wanted to bask in the fact that he seemed optimistic. He was talking about how he missed riding his bike and how it would be great if they didn't have to take the bus anymore – Wait. They? Jude refocused on Connor's words, realizing his friend was starting to talk about how he and Jude could go to the batting cages (which hopefully wasn't as terrifying as it sounded) or ride bikes. Jude knew he wasn't keeping the horror off his face but Connor was looking down at Jelly as he went on.

He was glad that Adam came home, letting out a call for pizza.

"Can we eat in here?" Connor called back. "Jelly doesn't want to get down."

Adam slid the pizza box onto the coffee table. "Don't touch it until I get plates and napkins."

"Okay."

Adam rubbed the top of Jellybean's head as he walked back out. Connor shifted Jellybean onto his lap so that he was sitting up properly. He poked open the top of the pizza box.

"Your dad said to wait."

"Sometimes you make me think that you are the good kid," Connor snorted.

"What? I might be."

"You have blue hair."

"You don't have hair."

"I do so!" Connor said indignantly. His hair wasn't as much of a sore point anymore now that he was actually growing some back, so Jude didn't feel bad about it as he might once have.

"All right, plates, napkins," Adam said, handing them out. "What are we watching?"

Jude half-glanced at the TV screen. "Oh, um, you can change it. We weren't really paying attention."

"What were you talking about instead?" Adam asked, sitting and taking a slice of pizza.

"Whether or not you'd let Jude stay the night," Connor said, feeding Jelly a piece of pepperoni before he took a bite of anything for himself.

"Does Jude want to stay the night?" Adam asked.

"Yes."

"Do you want Jude to stay the night?"

"Yeah," Connor said.

Adam put his plate down on the coffee table. "Connor, Jude means a lot to both of us but … Are you sure? It's your first night home. He can come back tomorrow, as early as you want. There's no more visiting hours and I'm happy to have him here."

"I can't be alone tonight," Connor confessed quietly, bowing his head so that he was mostly talking into Jellybean's fur.

"What does Lena and Stef think?"

Jude glanced at Connor. "We though we'd ask you first."

"Well, finish your pizza and give them a call."

"They shouldn't have a problem with it. Connor's first night home is a big deal and I … I mean, they know that too."

"Parents sometimes have reasons for things, even if kids don't understand them."

Jude didn't understand why Connor suddenly rolled his eyes.

"We're just doing things for your best interests."

"Dad, it's Jude's kidney. It's not like I needed to be _in_ the hospital –"

"Your heart stopped! I'm not convinced you should be home now!"

Jude thought Connor was going to get even angrier. Instead, he lifted his head.

"Dad, it's beating. I-I got my miracle. No signs of rejection. Dr. Meyer _knows_ this is good. She's optimistic about my check-up and about the cancer. _Maybe_ you were right, last time, but home is where I should be now."

Adam shook his head slightly before looking at Connor.

"I have hair," Connor offered, like it was proof of everything he had just said.

"Just don't scare me again," Adam said, and Jude heard the waver in his voice. It was the same way he felt whenever he thought about that awful night and he was sure that he and Adam understood each other in a way that Connor would never get about either of them.

"I'm not. Dad … It's going to be okay, I think, now. I really think so."

Jude did too, upon hearing Connor say it. Connor had spent so long in the hospital convinced that he was going to die – and subsequently trying to convince Jude of it – that Jude really felt like things would be okay as long as Connor believed it too.

"Prove it," Adam said.

"I will," Connor replied, just as stubbornly.

"Can I use your phone to call Lena?" Jude asked.

"Sure. Do you know where it is?"

"Yeah," Jude replied quickly. He excused himself from Adam and Connor and took the phone in his hand, dialling Lena's number – something that he had been sure to memorize so he wasn't constantly consulting his notebook.

"Hello?"

"Hi, it's Jude. Sorry to bother you."

"Is everything okay? How's Callie?"

"Callie's good. Well, I mean, as good as she can be."

"How's Connor?" Lena asked.

"Well, that's why I'm calling," Jude confessed.

"Is everything okay? He's not back in the hospital, is he?"

"No!" Jude blurted, because that was too scary to think about. "Actually, I was hoping … Connor wants me to spend the night tonight and I want to spend the night too. Do you think that would be okay?"

"Jude, it means you're going to be skipping school tonight. If you stay the night tonight, I'll pick you up at noon tomorrow and it's going to be a full day of studying."

"Deal. Yes. Please?"

"I'll drop a bag off to you tonight. Promise me that you'll behave for Adam."

"I've spent the night here before," Jude said. "I can't have been too bad if he's going to let me stay tonight."

Lena laughed. "Okay, okay. I'll see you in a few hours, all right?"

"Okay. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Jude hurriedly put the phone down, sliding into the living room and back into his sport next to Connor. "I'm allowed to stay the night!"

Connor grinned wildly. "I knew you would be."

Jude picked up his piece of pizza. "Guess your sob story still works."

"Yeah. If it didn't, all you have to do is remind people that I still have cancer."

"Connor –" Adam groaned and Jude felt that it perfectly captured his own eyeroll.

"Come on. I still do! Ignoring it won't make it go away," Connor said, a teasing note to his voice.

"That's what I said to you when you were first diagnosed."

"And I'm still holding it against you," Connor replied.

Jude glanced at Adam but he took the comment in good humour, half-rolling his eyes.

"Stop feeding the cat."

"She's been lonely," Connor complained. "She deserves a treat."

Adam shook his head but he didn't say anything. They relaxed into the couch, the hours wasting away. Jude passed them the same way he had passed the earlier hours, watching Connor, who kept Jelly in his lap. She barely moved and when she did occasionally jump down, she was right back in her spot, head pushing insistently against his hand until he was right back to petting her. Jude hardly noticed the day turning into night, to the point where Lena's arrival with a small bag of clothes and toiletries for him completely caught him off guard. He had been lost in the trance of the afternoon.

"Hi, Connor! Glad to see you home."

"Hi, Ms. Adams," Connor said. "Thanks for letting Jude stay."

"We're just glad you made it home," Lena replied. "How have you been feeling?"

"We've been really great," Connor replied, helping Jellybean climb up his shoulder to sniff Lena. "I was really going to lose it if I had to stay in the hospital for too much longer. Even being stuck at home is better than being stuck there."

"And it's because of the cat," Adam interrupted.

" _And,"_ Connor stressed, "no set visiting hours."

Jude just knew Connor was looking at him now and so he looked back, smiling at Connor as he did. He could see a flicker of hope in Connor's eyes before he averted his gaze back to Lena, leaving Jude feeling like he'd been punched in the stomach. It was his own fault, of course, and he could try to come back from it at any time – and probably the sooner the better, lest Connor lose his feelings for him – but the thought of doing it left him so paralyzed that he couldn't breathe, and he needed to be able to figure out how to breathe before he could speak.

"You can't keep him all the time," Lena said, jokingly. "He's our son, you know."

The warm feeling on Jude's stomach that appeared at her words only grew when Connor laughed and argued, "Because of me! I knew him first! I get dibs, Ms. Adams."

"I'm sure we can work out a custody arrangement if Jude wants," Lena joked.

Jude just nodded. He was sure that she knew what he wanted already when it came to being around Connor. It wasn't as though it was a hard thing to figure out.

"Okay, well, if you guys are all set here, I'll be on my way. Adam, I was planning on picking Jude up around noon tomorrow unless you wanted him out earlier."

"No, noon would be great. We'll be in touch, though."

Lena squeezed Jude's shoulder. "Anything else you need, just call, okay? We'll be right over."

"Thanks. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Be ready," she warned, giving him a knowing look, and Jude just chuckled a little bit.

"Yeah, I promise."

After she left, Adam stood and stretched. "Do you boys need anything?"

"No," Connor said. "Why? Are you going to bed?"

"No, I was just going to go for a little walk, go read the paper. I won't be far and I know you're in good hands."

Jude didn't know why he was considered good hands. He had never been considered good or reliable before, not by anyone until Connor. He knew Connor counted on him. He knew that he wanted to be someone that Connor could count on but he felt the same anxiety that he did when Adam had gone out to get pizza when Adam left for his short walk around the block but Connor was fine. Connor gathered up Jellybean in his arms and laid down on the couch.

"Are you tired?" Jude asked but Connor just shook his head.

"No. I'm just happy. Happy to be out of my hospital room. Happy to be able to move around when I want to and happy I have Jelly back. I missed being here. And I don't feel as scared when I'm here."

"What do you mean?"

"I guess, in the hospital, because everyone's always checking on you and stuff, it just feels like people are waiting for things to go wrong. And I kind of am here and I know you and Dad are really waiting for something to go wrong now, but they let me come home and that's got to mean something good."

"I want to think it does. I think you've had enough bad."

Connor laughed. "I think we've both had more than enough bad. But, I've thought that before –"

"No, it's my job to be a downer," Jude interrupted. "You don't get to do it."

Connor nodded. "Yeah, okay, I guess so. All right. We've had more than enough bad which means that everything that happens to us from now on is good, okay? It's got to be really good."

"Are we going to get everything we want?" Jude asked and he was only slightly sarcastic when he did.

Connor picked his head up to scare at Jude and Jude knew that they were thinking about the same subject, but in a different way. Connor was thinking that Jude didn't want him and Jude was thinking that he wanted to stop being scared. Someday, somehow, _soon_.

"Even if we don't, it doesn't mean that things can't be good," Connor mused.

"I'm not going to say you're right."

"You never have."

Jude rolled his eyes, nudging Connor's foot with his own.

"Maybe someday."

"Well, maybe now I'll get to live long enough to see it."

" _Connor_!"

"What?"

"Stop it."

"Can't make me." Connor rolled his eyes and Jude just shook his head. "You're always allowed to laugh."

"I'm never going to find it funny."

"This is why you have to be the downer," Connor said.

"Oh, whatever. Find a movie or something."

"Sure, sure, make the sick kid do it."

Jude grabbed the remote. "Fine, but you have to watch whatever I pick."

"I take it back, give me that!"

Connor sat up, placing Jelly on the arm of the couch so that he could reach for the remote in Jude's hand. Jude leant away from him, careful not to block him or do anything that might hurt him.

"No, no, you're sick. Lay down and I'll do the hard work of changing the channel."

"You're so annoying!"

"So are you!"

Jude turned his head and Connor was _right_ there, his face barely a breath from Jude's. Jude held the remote up between the two of them, blocking the moment in an effort to calm his racing heart. Connor kept giving him chances and Jude kept screwing them up. He had no idea how many more times Connor was going to keep giving him moments when Jude kept turning them down and he knew he shouldn't. He kept telling himself soon and why couldn't soon be right now? But the remote was already in the way and Jude knew right now was over. Connor plucked the remote out of Jude's hand and reclined back into his previous spot, Jellybean yelling loudly before walking down the length of his body.

"Whatever you want to watch, Jelly," Connor told her. "We have the remote."

Jude pulled his knees up toward his chest, not caring about the TV and just staring at Connor. Besides, if Connor wanted to watch a spy movie, Jude wasn't going to complain. Not that he ever would.

It was ten o'clock when Adam said it was time for bed.

"Dad, I'm out of the hospital –"

"For less than twelve hours. We're taking care of you, aren't we, Jude?"

Jude glanced between Connor and Adam before nodding because, this time, he wasn't on Connor's side.

"Dad –"

"Bed. I know you're tired. You can't hide it from me."

"I'm not doing this because you're right. I'm doing this so you won't stand there and keep fighting."

"Whatever gets you to move."

Jude hesitantly followed Connor up the stairs, Jellybean weaving around their feet to beat them to the top of the stairs. Despite Connor's argument with Adam, his feet were dragging as he got himself up the stairs, and Jude readied himself to catch Connor if he faltered. Connor made it to the top and shooed Jellybean into his bedroom. Adam stopped at the top of the stairs, blocking Jude from going any further.

"Don't be afraid if to wake me up at any time if you get worried about anything, Jude. He'll be okay but I know we're both scared."

"Yeah, well, hopefully we'll calm down in the morning."

"We'll get through tonight, Jude," Adam promised, and he seemed so sure that Jude was able to believe him. Maybe, after everything, it was time to try and let go of the bad.

They all got ready for bed separately. When Jude walked into Connor's room, he was already seated in bed, Adam sitting at the end of the bed.

"No need to act tough, okay? If anything feels wrong, you have to let us know. You're not really out of the woods with that kidney yet."

"Technically, I'm not out of the woods with anything," Connor said. "But, I know what you mean, Dad. I just got out of the hospital, I don't want to go back."

"Well, I believe that," Adam said. "I'm happy you're home."

"Me too."

Adam gave Connor's shoulder a rub. "Get a goodnight's sleep, okay? I'll make breakfast in the morning."

"Okay, Dad, night."

On his way out, Jude met Adam's eyes and he gave a slight nod, sure that they were thinking the same thing. Then, he closed the door, leaving it open just enough that Jelly could come and go as she pleased. That done, Jude crawled into the bed next to Connor, taking up his usual place.

"Don't tell Dad," Connor said, "but I'm actually so tired."

"Then go to bed. I won't rat you out."

"I know you won't," Connor said. "I trust you and that's another reason why I'm glad you're here."

"I'm glad I'm here too," Jude said. "I would have been really worried about you tonight if I wasn't here."

"You don't need to worry about me."

"You have given me _so_ many reasons to worry about you," Jude scoffed, stretching out and moving Jelly's tail out of the way.

"Yeah, okay. I guess." Connor blinked, long and slow, just like Jellybean would. "I've gotta go to sleep."

"That's okay. I'll be here in the morning."

"Me too."

Jude had heard that before but Jude held his tongue, knowing that Connor would counter with the fact that he was still here now. Connor pulled the blankets up close to his face and cuddled down. Jude took his eyes off Connor to watch Jellybean, who was holding a vigil above their heads. He reached up and scratched her back and she only spared him a glance before sniffing the top of Connor's head. Jude reached for Connor's hand under the covers. Connor squeezed his hand once before he fell asleep but even though he was asleep, Jude still didn't let go. No matter how many hours went by, Jude still didn't let go. He stirred restlessly every time Connor moved, checking in on him to make sure that Connor was still breathing peacefully. Every time he lifted his head, Jellybean was wide awake and Jude was sure that she would notice if something happened before Jude was aware. The night passed slowly, so slowly. Despite all of the horrible nights that Jude had lived through, this was definitely in the top five worst ones. He was so grateful to see daylight, to know that Connor had been fine through his first night home, that he almost woke Connor to watch the sunrise with him – though he could imagine how well Connor would take that.

He watched the clock more closely as nine o'clock neared, wondering what would be a good time to wake up Connor. He woke up so early when he was in the hospital; he probably wanted to sleep in a little bit. Jude had just decided that nine-thirty was as late as he was going to be able to let Connor sleep when the bedroom door creaked open slightly, and Adam peeked his head around the corner of the door.

"All good?" he whispered.

Jude poked his hand out of the blankets and gave Adam a thumbs up. Adam was visibly relieved.

"I'm going to make breakfast. In the mood for pancakes?"

Jude nodded. "Thanks."

"He'll probably wake up when he smells food."

That was true and Jude grinned. Adam left and Jude listened to his footsteps going down the hall, listening to the sounds of Adam starting to cook in the kitchen. It was when the smell of bacon started wafting up the stairs that Connor started to stir. He stretched out, reaching up to feel that Jellybean was still there. She gave his hand a lick, as though she, like Jude, was still stuck in a state of disbelief.

"How'd you sleep?" Jude asked.

Connor half-opened his eyes and then shut them again, looking confused. "Do I smell bacon?"

"Yeah, your dad's making breakfast."

Connor groaned. "I don't like this."

"What, food? Because I'm pretty sure –"

"No," Connor said, sliding Jellybean down the pillow and into his arms so that he could hide in her fur. "When I got sick on Christmas and had to go into the hospital, Dad was making breakfast too. Bacon and pancakes and scrambled eggs. It makes me kind of paranoid that the house smells the same."

"You're not sick anymore, Connor."

"I could be," Connor whispered. "The kidney worked but the chemo might not have – we still don't know. I could start bleeding and bruising and dying again, Jude."

"Let's go downstairs," Jude said. "So, we can prove to you that nothing's going to go wrong today. Everything's going to be okay."

Connor shook his head. "I'm too scared to find out you're wrong."

"I'm not." Jude took Connor's hand in his. "I promise. It's okay."

Connor squeezed Jude's hand. "Just another minute, Jude."

"Sure," Jude agreed.

He'd wait forever for Connor.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Disaster Hearts**_ **by I Fight Dragons; and** _ **Timebomb**_ **by Delta Spirit.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	49. Eight Of Spades

**In case you missed the tumblr announcement – this story will be 52 chapters long!**

 **~TLL~**

Jude resisted the urge to scratch his head. He had fifteen minutes left before he was allowed to wash his hair dye out. He could wait fifteen minutes to scratch his head. Probably. He was getting more and more tempted to slide the pencil he was holding through the dye, just to relieve the tiny itch just above his ear. It consumed most of his thoughts, rather than the test in front of him that he was supposed to be taking. Of which he also had fifteen minutes left of.

He circled _B_ for his last multiple choice question and then immediately erased it and circled _C_ and then immediately erased it. Like he'd been doing for the last three minutes. Multiple choice questions were tricks, nothing else and he would have groaned aloud, were Lena not sitting at the end of the table, going over her own paperwork and keeping an eye on him at the same time.

Did it really matter if he knew life cycles that well? He was never going to be a scientist; he was never going to care.

And then he was off track again, wondering just what he would be and if he should care more about animal life cycles. Maybe he would be a scientist. Maybe he would need to know. Maybe –

"Time's up, Jude."

Maybe he was all out of time and he had absolutely no knowledge. He slid the paper across the table to Lena slowly.

"How do you feel you did?" she asked, like she always did.

"Um, I think better than the last one but still not _good_ ," Jude said. "I'm going to go shower and then you can tell me how bad I did and then I can go to Connor's, right?"

"You can't go to Connor's until after Stef gets home. She should be home within the hour."

"Really? Why?"

"Something we want to talk to you about," Lena said. "It's a surprise. Go shower."

A surprise?

Jude tried not to feel skeptical as he took the stairs up to the bathroom, turning on the shower water. His mind was tripping over what the surprise could be. It couldn't be anything about the adoption – it hadn't been long enough for that. He looked down and watched the blue dye swirl around the bottom of the tub. Surprise? What would they want to surprise him with? He felt a little more confident that it was going to be a good surprise than he might have before but he still felt the anxiety niggling at him. What if it wasn't good? But he couldn't figure out if it was good or bad, either way, because he had no ideas on what the surprise could be.

His heart was thrumming by the time he towel-dried his hair and made his way back downstairs. He listened intently and walked slowly, making sure that he could hear Stef's voice before he made his reappearance in the dining room. Lena was still sitting where he left her but his test was now sitting, graded, over on her left side.

"How did I do?"

"Seventy percent!" Lena said brightly. "You did a really good job."

Seventy percent was the best that Jude had ever gotten on a test and he couldn't help his beam of pride. He couldn't wait to tell Connor!

"Which means you _definitely_ deserve your surprise," Stef added.

Jude sat down in the chair next to Lena. "What surprise?"

"Well, it's been something we've thought you've been needing for a while," Stef said, "and we've been really impressed with how you've been doing with your schoolwork so, really, think of it as a reward too."

"What is it?" Jude asked. "I'm kind of nervous."

"Don't be," Stef said. She placed a bag on the table. "Go ahead! Open it!"

Jude's stomach fluttered but she looked excited and so he felt excited too as he pulled the bag across the tabletop. He opened the top of it and reached in, feeling something cool and slightly small against his fingertips. He pulled it out.

"A phone?"

His own phone. He'd never asked for one, figuring it would be too much to do so. He looked down at it and thought, as he always did in moments like this, about Callie. She had done what she could to get him a phone; to get him what he wanted. He had only had it for a month, even though she had promised to get it back to him, she hadn't been able to get the money back together later to give it back to him, though he had no doubt that she had tried. He didn't know what had happened to that phone now.

"All yours! We wanted you to have one and, we thought, now that Connor's getting healthier, you might not be inside all the time, and we should know how to find you."

"Thank you!" Jude said, smiling at Stef. "Thanks!"

"No phone after ten and no phone at the dinner table," Stef added. "We don't want it to keep you up all night."

"I'll be good!" Jude promised. "I will! Thank you."

He hugged them both.

"I'll drive you over to Connor's now so that you can show it off," Stef offered.

"Well, yeah, but it's not like I'll have anyone else to text."

"Except us," Lena said, an edge of sarcasm to her voice.

"Oh, yeah, of course," Jude said.

"I programed all of the family's numbers in," Stef said. "Other than that, you can personalize it."

Jude was almost too scared to really touch it. He didn't want to leave fingerprints across the glossy screen. He knew it was a nice phone – as nice as the ones that Mariana and Jesus had. And maybe that wouldn't have been a huge deal to anyone else but it made Jude think that they really did think of him as _theirs_ , even though the adoption hadn't happened yet and even though the had decided to adopt him so quickly that he was sure they'd change their minds. But he was _equal_. And that was what he wanted, because he wanted to belong to this family completely.

"Thank you! Really," Jude said. "You didn't have to."

"It's what parents do for kids," Stef said. "Now, come on, shoes on. I have to go to the grocery store tonight too."

"Not that he ever eats dinner with us," Lena joked. "You know, Jude, Connor is allowed to come over here too. Your friends are welcome here."

Jude had to admit, he had never considered having Connor over to Stef's and Lena's house. It wasn't like Connor was in solitary confinement. It wasn't like Connor had to stay away from people or places. He'd told Jude, just a few days ago, that he'd missed grocery shopping, since he'd gone with Adam again.

"I'll ask him," Jude said, and he felt strangely happy about the fact that he had a house to bring a friend to. Or a friend to bring to his house. And he was oddly excited about it too, right up until Connor looked at him and said: "But, can I really go to your house?" All in a tone that implied he didn't _want_ to.

"Is there something about your illness stopping you? Because if that's the case, then you shouldn't be allowed to leave your house at all and I know that you do, so … Why?"

"It's _Ms. Adams_ house," Connor said. "Can I really be in Ms. Adams' house? That's going to be weird, Jude."

And then Jude went from worried to laughing in half of a second.

"So, it's about Lena?"

"Yeah," Connor said. "What else would it be about?"

"I don't know. It could be anything." Jude shrugged.

"It's not about you. For you, I'll suck it up and do it. But it's gonna be weird."

"That's okay, you'll do it for me."

"You knew that before I said it."

"I did," Jude replied.

"You have to give me, like, a week to get used to the idea."

"Fine. One week." Jude slid his phone across the couch cushions. "Look what I got!"

"Yes, finally!"

"Not that we're ever apart."

Connor rolled his eyes. "Sometimes we are! You have to study and stuff so we can go back to school together."

"So, you're starting school again?"

Connor shrugged. "Probably not before the year's over. Dad's thinking the next couple months for recovery and then some summer school and then start again in the new school year. With you."

"I'm really glad you're going to be there," Jude said. "I mean, for more than just the fact that I won't be all alone but –"

"I won't leave you alone."

Jude half-smiled and then he tapped his fingers on the back of Connor's couch. "When does Dr. Meyer see if your cancer's … cured or whatever."

"Remission."

"I knew that."

Connor smirked. "That appointment is next month so cross your fingers."

Like Jude had uncrossed his fingers since the last day at the Centre, when Mariana had brought him Connor's note and driven him to the hospital.

"They're crossed," he promised anyway. "And, guess what?"

"What?" Connor asked, letting himself into Jude's phone. Jude watched him open the contacts list before figuring out what he was doing.

"I got seventy on my science test."

"Jude! Yes!"

Connor held up his hand for a high-five and Jude happily gave it.

"I knew you were smart."

"It means I missed thirty percent."

"You're looking at it the wrong way," Connor said and he shook his head at Jude. "Come on. It means you got seventy percent of it! Focus on that!"

"But –"

"No, it's really good news!" Connor interrupted. "And, I have my own good news."

"What's that?"

"Dad pulled my bike out of the basement last night. I don't think I'm supposed to know yet because he did it when I was supposed to be sleeping. He also pulled out my old ball bag too. I mean, he's not going to let me play any time soon or anything but it means that he thinks that I'm going to be able to play again or ride my bike again."

"When you were in the hospital, he was talking about being able to play catch with you again because he didn't remember the last time you had done that."

"He won't let me _really_ play until he and Dr. Meyer talk it over a hundred times."

Jude couldn't help but grin, resting his head against the back of the couch. Jellybean jumped up next to his head and he was sure that she felt it too.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You were convinced you were going to die. We were all pretty much convinced you were going to die and now you're just sitting there whining about how long it's going to take you to play baseball like you didn't have a kidney transplant and like you know you won't have to go through chemo again."

"Whining?"

"Yeah but that's okay. I kind of love the fact that you're whining about normal stuff and not the fact that your lips are so cracked they pretty much bleed every time you talk."

Connor mouthed the word 'love' to himself.

"But, I guess, leave it to you to change my mind about whining too. Will your sob story never end?"

Connor shrugged. "I could still have cancer."

As if that thought had ever left anyone who had ever met him.

"Even if I do, I could really fight it off this time. And I'll have enough good days that I can play catch with my dad and ride bikes with you or play catch with you and maybe my dad will get a bike or … Whatever I want. You gave me choices, Jude, and I could … I could do pretty much anything, you know. I could even learn a new sport, once I feel better, of course …"

Connor's rambling poured in one ear and out the other. He was chattering about what he could do next, maybe join new clubs once school started in. But Jude wasn't thinking about school. He wasn't thinking about months from now. He was thinking about now, when Connor's bike was out of the basement and Adam's hopes were soaring high enough that Connor was starting to talk about whether or not he might have actually grown since the last time he'd worn his baseball glove. He was thinking about now, where he'd never ridden a bike, not once, in his entire life, to the point where he had barely an idea of how to get the bike to go, let alone how to get the bike to stop. He was thinking about now, where the closest thing he had ever gotten to catch was tossing something from one of his own hands to the other one. He'd never thought as a baseball bat as anything other than a weapon.

Jude almost opened his mouth to tell Connor all of that but, then, he shut his mouth. He couldn't let Connor be his teacher again. He couldn't learn something from Connor that most people learnt from a young age, passed from parent to child as so many things were. He wondered if Stef and Lena would know how to teach him. To ride a bike, certainly, and Jude was sure they would do their best to help him with the baseball thing. Most people could probably play catch but the fact that Connor was talking about a bat had Jude worried. Connor was going to have to teach him how to hold it properly. Stef and Lena likely didn't know and he didn't have anyone else to turn to.

Except …

And Jude wondered if he'd get the help he wanted after all.

(-.-)

At seven o'clock, Jude was back home. He'd told Connor that he hadn't finished all of his homework, and he'd promised Lena he'd be home early, but, really, he just wanted to get home while there was still daylight left. He took off up the stairs, slowing once he reached the second floor and tiptoeing by Jesus's ajar door, enough to see that he was sitting at his desk.

Jude walked into his own bedroom and put his bag down on the floor, taking a deep breath and gathering up his courage. He hoped he wouldn't need his courage. He had talked to Jesus before; he knew that Jesus wasn't scary. But Jude had never asked Jesus for anything before and he didn't know if he could take being denied. He had to learn this, for Connor, because he wanted Connor to be up and around. He wanted to do more with Connor that just sit in his house, as they had sat in his hospital room. He wanted to go back to the beach, find a coffee shop. He wanted more.

With that thought fueling him, Jude hesitantly knocked on Jesus's bedroom door.

Jesus glanced over his shoulder, popping a headphone out. "Yeah? What's up?"

"I need a favour," Jude said, and he felt like a stone had dropped in his stomach.

"Yeah? Come in?" Jesus gave him a look. "What _kind_ of favour? Should we shut the door? Do Moms not need to know?"

"Nothing like that," Jude said, trying to figure out just what Jesus was thinking he needed. Maybe he wanted to know. Maybe, in this case, ignorance was bliss. "Connor's starting to feel better and he's talking about riding his bike and playing ball again. With me. Because I'm his best friend. But I can't do any of that and I … I don't want to have to tell him that I've never done any of that before."

"Are you asking me to teach you to play baseball and ride a bike?" Jesus clarified.

Jude nodded, remembering when Connor had teased him about being bad at asking for help. "Please. If you can ride a bike or play baseball. I don't know …"

Jesus just laughed at him.

"Yeah, I can play baseball and ride a bike." Jesus stood up. "Come on. Let's go."

"Now?" Jude said, scrambling to follow him out the door.

"Why not? Got anything better to do?"

"No," Jude said.

"Besides, what are brothers for?" Jesus asked. "Let's start with the bike, okay? I know where that one is."

"Okay," Jude agreed, as if he were in a position to disagree with anything that Jesus suggested.

Jesus dug the bike out and then took Jude out the sidewalk. He glanced back at the house and then pushed the handlebars out toward Jude.

"Hold this. I'll be back in a second."

Jude tried not to fidget in the few minutes it took Jesus to go into the house and run back out, a helmet in his hands. He planted it on Jude's head, doing up the straps before Jude had a chance to move his hands. He stood still as Jesus wiggled the helmet.

"How's that feel?"

"Weird."

"But weird and going to strangle you, weird and loose, or weird and fine?"

"Weird and fine, I think," Jude said, because it definitely wasn't either of the other two, but he didn't really know what a bike helmet was supposed to feel like when it was fine.

"Moms would kill me if you fell and I didn't stick a helmet on you."

"I'm not going to fall."

"Everyone falls, don't worry about it. Eventually, you just won't. And, hey, if you like the bike, you can keep it."

"What?" Jude asked. "Is it … your bike?"

"Yeah but I haven't really ridden it since I got my license. I didn't like riding my bike, it was just easier than bugging Moms and Brandon for rides all the time. So, if you like it, keep it. I'll steal it back if I ever really need it."

"Thanks, Jesus."

"What are brothers for?" Jesus asked again. "Except for laughing at you when you fall over a couple of times."

Well, that was okay. He had a brother who would laugh at him but he also had a brother who would help him, and the trade off was worth it.

He got onto the bike seat.

"Ready?" Jesus asked.

"Ready," Jude said.

Even if it was for the fall.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **You Will Find Me**_ **by Andrew Ripp; and** _ **Where I Can't Follow**_ **by Amy Kunesy.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	50. Nine Of Clubs

Connor sat on the arm of the couch, watching Adam watch him. He knew that his father wasn't going to speak first and so Connor sighed and rubbed Jellybean's ear.

"Dad, you've talked to Dr. Meyer and Ms. Adams and Stef and Jude and me and probably everyone else that has ever heard I'm sick. You've talked facts and opinions and actions and so now all you have to do is tell me yes or no. And I hope you say yes. Jude and Stef and Dr. Meyer and Ms. Adams and me all want you to say yes. Please, Dad? Can I?"

"Do you feel ready?" Adam asked. "If you don't, just say that I said 'no'. We can always try again, later. There will be a later, Connor."

But, would there? And what kind of later would it be? In two weeks, Connor would know whether or not he would have to go anymore cancer treatments – at least, for the time being. He could picture Dr. Meyer saying the words _remission._ But he had done that before. He had heard the word before. And then it had come back worst than ever. Connor always had to think about how he was feeling now because good days could go in the blink of an eye and then what?

"I feel ready."

It wasn't the total truth but for the part that Adam was concerned with, it was more than enough.

"Okay. I'll drive you. Did you pack?"

Connor nodded. "Already by the door."

"I'll be coming back for you at noon tomorrow. No later. And you have all of your medication."

"And then list. And when to take them. And the phone alarms will remind me. And the app will remind me. And I know. And I'm sure you've e-mailed the same list to Ms. Adams. And Jude knows my medication schedule probably as well as you do now. There's nowhere I'd be safer."

"Except here with me," Adam said.

"Dad, I think you're the one that's not ready."

Adam chuckled but he nodded. "Yeah, I think that's true. All right. Come on, before I change my mind."

Connor followed Adam off the couch and picked it up his bag from its spot near the front door. He rested it over his shoulder, holding it on his lap once they were in the car.

"I've stayed overnight other places before, you know, Dad. Not just the hospital."

"I know. But it's been a long time and I'm still scared to take my eyes off you, even to go to work. I just worry about you."

"Hopefully, soon, you won't have to," Connor said. "And I'll just be a normal kid."

"I want you to be a normal kid," Adam said. "That's all I want for you."

"And I'm going to be safe at Jude's house. And you're not that far away."

Adam stopped in front of Jude's house. "You can call me any time of night, you know? It doesn't matter when. It doesn't matter for what. Anything you need. It doesn't matter how dumb."

"I'll be okay, Dad," Connor insisted.

"Call me before bed."

"I will."

"And when you wake up."

"Okay, I will, but nothing will go wrong," Connor said.

"You better be right."

"I am," Connor said, trying to sound more confident than he really was. But it never did any good for he and Adam to be worried. And Jude had told him that he had to be the optimistic one and Connor was trying so hard for that to be true.

He waved to Adam one last time and then he walked up to Jude's front door. He knocked. Jude always just walked into his house but Jude had been in his house before. And Ms. Adams lived here. He couldn't be rude and just barge into Ms. Adams' house. That wouldn't be fair.

It was Stef who answered the door, a rag in her hands.

"Connor! Hi. We were just cleaning up for you. Come in."

"I'm sorry you have to do all that work," Connor said. "Jude could have just come over to my house. It would have been fine."

"It's no trouble," Stef assured him. "Jude's been excited to have you over and we wanted him to know he could have friends over here. It helps a place feel more like a home, I think."

"Yeah."

"Jude! Connor's here!"

"Are Mariana and Jesus here tonight?" Connor asked.

"No. It's hard to keep them here on a Saturday."

"Yeah, I bet." He turned as Jude hurried down the stairs.

"Hey! You feeling okay today?"

"Yeah. Not going to croak here, I promise."

Jude rolled his eyes at him. "It's still not funny."

"We're planning on spaghetti for dinner," Stef said. "Do you like it?"

"Yeah, that sounds great!"

"Come on," Jude said. "You can put your bag in my room. I'll show you."

Connor climbed the stairs behind Jude, staring at everything as he went. It was exactly like he had imagined Ms. Adams' house looking like – clean, bright, cluttered with family photos and mementos. He could also understand why Jude was so much happier here. That being said, Connor still felt like he was an intruder. It was Ms. Adams' house and they'd had such a close, personal relationship for so long that Connor felt like he shouldn't be here, even though it was Jude's house too and Jude was the one who invited him.

"So, what do you think?" Jude asked, pushing out the door to his room.

Jude didn't have a lot of stuff, so it really could have been anyone's room, but, as far as Jude had ever told Connor, this was the first time that he had ever had a room to himself and Connor knew that he was the first friend that Jude was ever showing off the room too.

"It's amazing, Jude. It really is. You need some posters or something, though."

"Yeah, I know. I can't decide on what I want, though. There's nothing I like enough to want to stare at every day."

Connor put his bag down next to the desk, where Jude had his own backpack sitting. He sat in the desk chair, trying not to think about the fact that Jude saw him every day. It was because they were friends. And Connor was trying to really _know_ that. But it was hard to know it when he felt something so different every time he looked at Jude. Love, coloured with the shame of being rejected before he had even fully put the words out.

"But, they're keeping me, so I'm sure I'll find something eventually." Jude nudged his toes against the floor. "Callie said on the phone this morning that the trial starts next week. The terms of her deal were finalized. Five years and then she'll be free again. She said she's going to be staying in the juvenile detention centre for now but by the time the trial is over, she'll probably be transferred to the adult side and, um, who knows if she'll be close after that."

Connor moved to sit by Jude, squeezing his hand.

"No matter what, it's okay. Hey, I can learn to drive soon and then you'll learn and we can go as far as we need to. We can visit her. You know I'd go with you."

"I know. But, I can't imagine learning to drive. I can barely ride a bike."

"Well, when Dad gets over the fear of me falling down, you can prove it."

"Right. Well, hopefully that takes a little while so that I have more time to practice. Jesus said that I've tipped over so much that he should probably get me a new helmet."

Connor laughed. "Well, that's okay. Better to get it out now in case you do learn to drive."

Jude rolled his eyes. "Come on."

"Where are we going?" Connor asked.

Jude opened his closet door, pulling out a softball and two gloves. "Bike riding isn't the only thing I've been learning."

Connor grinned; Jude had never mentioned that! He had been telling Jude about how he had and Adam had been practicing lobbing the ball back and forth again, but Adam had been keeping his bat firmly away from him. Connor was just looking forward to when his father was going to take him to the batting cages again. He missed doing that with Adam; it was where he had his favourite memories with his father.

"All right. But, I'll warn you, you don't stand a chance."

"I've had a pretty good teacher," Jude said, leading Connor back down the stairs. "You might not know what hit you."

"Why didn't you ask me to teach you?"

"I'm tired of you teaching me things. We spend enough time doing homework together that if you had to give me one more instruction, I was going to scream."

"Are you calling me annoying?"

"Yes," Jude said. "But I knew what I was signing up for from when I first talked to you."

"You're more annoying."

"I thought I was stubborn."

"You can't be both?"

Jude shrugged and he had Connor took their positions, several feet apart.

"You're the one that talked to me first."

"I don't regret it … Most of the time."

Jude laughed and hefted the ball, throwing it to Connor, who caught it easily.

"You've actually got a pretty good arm," Connor called.

"I told you!"

"Catch!"

Jude didn't catch the ball as easily as Connor had, but he did catch it.

"Almost missed."

"Your bad throw caused it," Jude accused.

"Did not, throw it back!"

Jude laughed and did so, wasting away the afternoon.

(-.-)

"Yes, Ms. Adams."

"You can call me Lena, Connor."

"No, I can't. I will _never_ be able to," Connor replied. "Sorry."

She just laughed and listed off the last of Connor's night medications.

"Took them all," he promised.

"All right. Good job. Your father was worried about making sure you took them."

Connor shrugged. "Yeah, I know. But meds after a transplant are more important than before, if that's even possible. I don't blame him for being worried, even if it is kind of annoying."

Ms. Adams was clearly amused. "Well, you took them, and I can tell him that you did it without being reminded. I'm sure that'll make him happy."

"If anything about this can," Connor griped. "The closer we get to seeing Dr. Meyer about my cancer and future treatments and if the last one worked and if I won't need future treatments, the crankier he gets. I guess I get it. I don't want to be back in the hospital like that either but it's kind of driving me nuts."

And that was why he could never call Ms. Adams 'Lena'. He had met with proper, licenced therapists before, and he could admit that they had helped him through a lot of hard things, but he had never been able to fully connect with any of them the way that he had with Ms. Adams. He had been able to tell her about everything – not just his grief over his mother, not just his issues with his father, not just his pain with the cancer – but everything. The others had been about one, concentrated issue, but Ms. Adams was there, his school counsellor, through everything, from the moment that his mother had died.

"One day, it'll be all over with."

"It better be. I don't want to live my whole life like this."

"You won't," Ms. Adams said, and he was closer to believing her now than had ever been in the past.

Jude tumbled back into his bedroom, then, teeth properly brushed and his pyjamas on.

"You two both ready for bed?" Ms. Adams asked. "It's getting late."

"We don't have school tomorrow," Jude said. "Does it matter how late it is?"

"It does, because you're both teenagers and you need your sleep. No running around the house all night."

"Okay but if we're quiet …"

"If you can quietly bounce off the walls of your room, go ahead," Ms. Adams said. "Goodnight, boys."

"Night, Lena."

"Night, Ms. Adams."

She gave Jude a kiss goodnight and then closed the bedroom behind her. Jude flopped backward on his bed.

"Are you tired?"

"It's eleven o'clock."

"I know. But usually you're passed out by, like, nine-thirty or ten. And we've done a lot today."

"I've got more energy. I feel pretty good," Connor assured him. "It's a good thing."

Jude's grin was so wide at his words that Connor felt his heart swell at how much Jude cared about him. And, again, it felt like a punch in the stomach at the same time. Jude cared about him so much that it was hard for Connor to believe, sometimes, that Jude didn't like him in the same way that Connor liked Jude. But maybe it was just because Connor had never had a friendship like this before; he had never had a friend love him so strongly that he'd go through surgery for him. It was what he had to keep telling himself, lest the words come exploding out of him, finally, and Jude got defensive and rejected him again. Connor couldn't take Jude's rejection.

"You're tired now, though."

"Yeah, I am."

Even though they were in Jude's bed and not Connor's, they still stuck to the sides of the bed that they normally slept on. Jude turned out the lamp and, in the darkness, they turned so that they were facing one another.

"Thanks for coming over. I know you were nervous."

"I wasn't nervous. I just knew it would be weird."

"It wasn't that bad," Jude said.

"It was kind of bad," Connor said. "Not that being here was bad. It's just weird to see Ms. Adams outside of school. And, now, when I go back to school, it's going to be weird to see her inside of school."

Jude was laughing at him. "My new mom is going to be my vice-principal. It's going to be weird for me too. And there's going to be more weirdness."

"Cancer kid returned will distract the rumour mill. And Brandon and Mariana and Jesus seemed to do okay with Ms. Adams being the vice-principal."

"But they grew up with it. They had more time to get used to it."

Connor found Jude's hand, his heart fluttering as he felt Jude's fingers, warm against his own. He wondered when that would stop. He wondered if his crush on Jude would ever completely go away. He wondered if he would ever be able to move on – or even want to move on – when Jude was always going to be right here in front of him, because Connor was never going to give his best friend up, not for anything.

"You'll get over the weirdness."

"And you'll just have to keep coming over so that you can get used to the weirdness too."

"I'll keep coming over," Connor said. "If you want me here."

"I want you here. Plus, you know, I gave you a kidney. So, you have to do whatever I want."

"Not how that works."

"Pretty sure it is," Jude said. "What do you know? You've never gotten a kidney from anyone else before."

"You've never given a kidney to anyone else," Connor retorted. "You don't know either."

"Whatever."

"That means I won," Connor said.

"It does _not_."

"It does."

And they carried on into the night.

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Fingerprints**_ **by Eric Saade;** _ **Only One**_ **by Smith Westerns; and** _ **Promise Keeper**_ **by Breaking Point.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	51. Jack Of Spades

"Lena, can I go in and see Callie alone today? There's something I want to talk to her about."

"Sure, Jude. I'll just be in the waiting area if you need anything."

Jude hugged her and then he went into the visiting room on his own, sitting at an empty table, waiting for Callie to filter in. She wrapped her arms around him as soon as she saw him.

"Is everything going okay?" he asked her.

"As expected. I'm holding up my end of the deal and they seem pretty happy. What's going on with you? Still have all the same organs?"

Jude rolled his eyes. "Someday, you'll get over it."

"Someday," Callie said.

"Actually," Jude said. "There's something more I want to talk to you about and I think that's probably going to distract you."

Callie shook her head, running her fingers through her hair before propping her head on her hand. "What went wrong now, Jude?"

"Nothing." Jude took a deep breath. It was time. It had to be time. "Um, this is hard for me to say, but I think it's time for me to say it. I'm in a good place, now, you know. I have people that love me and a place where I can … I can be myself. They're going to adopt me. They love me. They're lesbians and, I think, it's time for me to … to be who I am."

Callie shut her eyes. "What about when you start school? What about when you meet new people? What if something bad happens and you can't be protected anymore?"

"You don't need to protect me anymore! And meeting new people and introducing _me_ is the whole point! I have a support system now. They love me. I'm not on my own, trying to survive a place where I have to fly under the radar! I'm not getting hit anymore! I haven't said anything yet, to anyone, because I needed to go to you first because I need to know you love me first because if you don't love me no one will."

Callie's dark eyes, so like his own, softened. She reached across the table for him.

"I knew. From the first time a foster father accused you of it. From the first time you got hit for it. And that's why I hated it so much because it was true. It couldn't be true, Jude, not with the life we had."

He swallowed a lump in his throat.

"I didn't want it to be true. And, I still don't know if I want it to be true. But, you're the one living your life. You're the one who knows when the time is right for you. You're my little brother and everything I've ever done is because I love you and that's not something that's ever going to change. So, if you're sure you're safe and if you're sure this is you, then I don't want to stop you. But be sure. I do love you."

Jude felt tears in his eyes. He'd been sure of Callie's love for him, but not sure of her support for his coming out.

"Callie, I love you too."

"One more thing, Jude," Callie said. "Promise me that this is what you want and that this isn't about Connor."

"So, you know about that part too."

"I know you. I've been there practically every day of your whole life. And, Jude, you're not that sneaky."

"This is about me. This is about me being myself so that I can I can get what I want. And I want him."

"Be safe, Jude. And don't cry. You've got a happy life now."

"You don't."

"It's all uphill from here," she said. "It's all okay, Jude."

He his head in his hands, blinking back the tears. He wasn't going to cry in front of Callie. He wasn't going to cry at all. It was good news. He shouldn't be sobbing at good news.

"I love you," Callie said again.

"You too," Jude whispered.

Callie was always going to love him.

Once he emerged from his hands, their visit went by all too quickly, and he dragged his feet on the way back to Lena, who put her book back in her purse and put her arm around her shoulders.

"Everything go okay, Jude? Your eyes look red."

"Yeah. It's just …" He sighed, sitting in the passenger seat. He was free to say it. Telling Callie was the hard part and the hard part was over. Why was he so tongue-tied now?

"It's just what?" Lena asked, beginning to drive. "Is everything okay with Callie?"

"I'm gay and I'm in love with Connor!" Jude blurted and he felt like he could breathe properly again once the words hung between them in the car. "And all I need to do now is tell him because I've been not telling him for so long."

"I'm proud of you, Jude," Lena said. "It's not always an easy thing to say."

"It hasn't been. I've been in love with him since the first time I met him, pretty much, and that's a long time to be quiet. He's in love with me too, you know?" Jude said.

"He is? How do you know?"

"He kept trying to tell me when he thought he was dying but I wouldn't let him. And once, he was high on pain meds and he admitted it, but those were the meds that affected his memory and he didn't remember it. That time, I hoped he did remember it because I thought I could be stronger and say it back if he did remember it. But, now, it's my turn to not be scared, since I told him no all those times but … I don't think he'll tell me no. I hope he won't. I think he'll know I was just that scared."

"Jude, I think it's brave of you to be yourself, no matter what. No matter what Connor says."

"Callie asked me if I was doing it for him. I'm not. It's not about him. I want to be me. I couldn't be me before and now I need to be but I love him."

Lena pulled into their driveway, turning off the car, and hugging him over the console. "You've come so far, Jude. We're proud of you. Be yourself. You never have to be ashamed of that."

"I didn't know that I didn't have to be until the first night I stayed here with you, before Callie went to jail. I never realized that not everybody would hate me until the first time I saw you kiss Stef. I didn't know. It was you who taught me that."

"Oh, Jude. We love you. I hope you know that."

"I do." Jude looked up into her warm, maternal face. "I love you guys too."

"Let's go in. Do you want anything special for lunch?"

"It doesn't have to be special. It's just a day."

"Is it?" she asked.

It was and it wasn't. Jude had never realized how much he couldn't breathe until he fully could again.

"If it's not just a day," Jude said, "does that mean I can put off starting my English project to tomorrow?"

Lena laughed brightly. Then, "No."

"I thought I should try."

"It was a good try," Lena agreed. "Come on, I'll make some sandwiches."

"Thanks," Jude said, and he practically skipped into the house.

(-.-)

"Connor, are you sure you don't want to go right home?" Adam asked.

Connor looked out the car window, at Jude's front door, and then back to his father.

"Dad, I've got to tell Jude. He's going to be mad if I don't and you have to go back to work and I don't want to spend any more time alone."

Adam reached over the console and hugged Connor. "Call me if you need me and I want you home for supper tonight. Jude can come too, if he wants to, but I want _you_ home."

"I'll be home," Connor promised.

"I love you, Connor."

"Love you too, Dad."

Connor got out of the car and walked up to Jude's front door. He knocked while Adam drove away. It was Ms. Adams that answered.

"Connor! Is Jude expecting you?"

"Um, no, but I needed to talk to him in person. He's home, right?" He knew that Jude had gone to visit Callie this morning. Hopefully, he was back by now.

"He is. He's upstairs. He's got an English project that hes working on."

"Does he have to finish it today?"

"No. Come in, Connor, is something wrong?"

"So, um, my appointment with Dr. Meyer was changed from tomorrow to today and, uh, he's got to know."

Ms. Adams covered her hand with her mouth. "Oh, Connor. Good news or bad?"

"You can't tell him."

"I won't."

Still scared that Jude would overhear, Connor beckoned her down to whisper in her ear. Her face changed at his words, tears in her eyes.

"Oh, Connor, I …"

"Lena? Who are you talking to?" Jude's voice rang down the stairs.

"It's me, Jude," Connor called. "Came to see if you were busy."

"I'll be in the kitchen. He can't see me. He can't." Ms. Adams squeezed Connor's shoulders and then fled the room.

"Hey! What's up?" Jude said as he reached the main floor.

"Let's go somewhere," Connor said.

"You just want to be out now that you're allowed," Jude said and then he shouted, "Lena, can I go out with Connor?"

"Take your phone!" she shouted back.

"I will!"

Jude patted his pockets for his phone and then he slid his shoes on.

"Where are we going?" Connor asked.

"You came to get me. I thought you had somewhere you wanted to go."

"No, not really," Connor said. "I just wanted to see you and do something. I was bored at home and since we can do things now …"

"Are you allowed on transit?" Jude asked.

"Yeah," Connor said. "Somewhere you want to go?"

"Yeah. Come on."

Jude led him to the bus stop. As they sat and waited, Connor asked where they were going but Jude wouldn't tell him. He said he would tell him when they got there – whenever that was. They got on the bus and it was barely ten minutes before Connor started to recognize the street names. They were near the Youth Centre that he had met Jude at and he wondered if Jude was taking him back there. He didn't know why Jude would though; Jude hated that place. Maybe they were going back to their old coffeeshop. Connor would like that and it might be a good place to gently break his news. But they passed the coffee shop. It was a few more stops before Jude hit the button and then led Connor off the bus.

Connor looked around. It definitely wasn't a good part of town and there was hardly a soul out on the streets.

"I went to see Callie today," Jude said.

"I know. How was it?"

"As hard as seeing Callie always is," Jude replied. "Everything we were talking about got me thinking about our old life. My life is so different now and I just thought …"

Jude trailed off as he skirted onto a property, heading to the back of the house, though Connor could clearly see unbroken crime scene tape on the front door. He stared up at the house, all of the pieces clicking together. This is where Jude used to live! Moving with caution and reverence, Connor watched Jude break the police tape on the back of the house and then open the door. They stepped inside, taking a moment to listen, but the house was empty and silent, full of the aura of neglect. It felt like nobody had been in here since the day Callie had been arrested. Jude gestured Connor up the stairs and Connor followed.

He'd always follow Jude.

(-.-)

Jude wasn't entirely sure why he had come back to Nic's house and he definitely wasn't sure why he had brought Connor with him. Connor would know everything about his past now and that was daunting, but Jude needed someone to know. He needed someone else to bear witness to everything that he and Callie had lived through. He stopped in the middle of the dusty living room. The attic had been overturned and searched through and no one had ever bothered to right it. Of course no one had. Why would they?

Jude turned around to look at Connor's face.

"What do you think?"

"I think it's dusty."

"Should you be here?"

"It's fine." Connor turned in a full circle. "What do you think, Jude?"

"I think I'm glad that I never have to see this place again and that the person I was when I lived here doesn't have to exist anymore."

Connor poked open the two doors, laughing when he saw the small bathroom.

"You left hair dye behind, Jude."

"Whoops." That didn't surprise him. When Connor looked in the bedroom, Jude said, "Callie and I shared that."

"You didn't have to share this with me," Connor said, circling into the kitchen.

Jude wondered if anyone had bothered to clean out the small refrigerator before turning the power off. Probably not; he couldn't imagine it was a priority. Still, he wasn't going to be the one to check.

"I know. I wanted to. I want you to know everything about you."

Connor ran his finger through the dust in the counter. "Hey, come here!"

"What?" Jude hurried over, wondering if Connor had found something awful.

"The dust is thick enough that we can play hangman!"

"I can barely play hangman on paper."

"Come on, Jude, try!"

"And that's a long word!"

"Consider it a test."

"Lena administers tests," Jude grumbled, but decided to play along anyway. "Nine letters is long."

"It kind of is," Connor agreed. "Come on, guess."

Jude guessed an 'A' which earnt him a head. The dust hangman definitely looked worse for wear compared to his paper counterparts. And he definitely looked worse for wear when Jude couldn't guess the word and ended up killing him.

"Okay. What was it?"

Connor filled in the rest of the blanks and then turned to face Jude, staring at him like he hadn't since he was in the hospital. Jude sounded out the word. "Remission?"

He knew that word. Where did he know that word from?

"Oh! _What_?"

"My appointment was today, Jude," Connor said, breaking into a smile. "It's good news. I'm in remission, Jude! I'm –"

Jude grabbed him by the waist and kissed him. He kissed him like had dreamt of doing since he'd met him. He kissed him like he wished he had done on Christmas instead of coming to his senses. He wrapped his arms around Connor's back and pulled Connor as close as he possibly could to him, Connor throwing his arms around Jude's neck and kissing him back as intensely. Jude kissed him until he couldn't breathe and Connor settled back onto his own two feet, still staring up at him and Jude knew he needed an explanation.

"Do you remember that first day we went to the beach? Before anything ever happened? That was the day that I started liking you. And I was so scared by it because I wasn't allowed to like you and I couldn't stop talking to you. I already liked you that much that even though I knew I had to cut you off to protect myself, I couldn't. Callie knew too and that's why she hated you in my life, because she was the one that nursed me back to health every attack and she didn't want me to go through that again. But I couldn't give you up!"

"Kiss me again," Connor said.

So, Jude did, cradling Connor's face in his hands this time and kissing him so much more sweetly.

"When you kissed me at Christmas, I almost exploded. There was mistletoe and it was too good to be true and I have thought about that kiss every night since it happened. I've wanted to do it again ever since it happened, but then you got sick, and that was an excuse I used. I couldn't tell you anything while you were sick, but I was just hiding. I wasn't ready to be me, yet, but I've been thinking about you forever, Connor. You were exactly the person that I wanted to meet, the person that I could never admit to myself that I wanted, and then I had to hear that you kissed Jake and I almost died, right there, because I thought I would lose you, and I could never lose you. Jake was going to take you or you were going to die and I never want to be without you."

"Kiss me again," Connor said.

Jude did, his hand on the back of Connor's head, his hair almost long enough to poke out between his fingers now. Connor had to lean up into him, kissing him desperately, like Jude might ever be able to stop now.

"I didn't think that I loved you until you were in the hospital but I'm pretty sure that I loved you long before then. Do you remember that medication you took? The one that you hated and the one that made you fuzzy? You told me when you were on that medication that you loved me. It was right before Valentine's Day. And I've been waiting this whole time for you to say it again because I thought that when you did, I'd be ready to say it back, because I've never been as happy as when you told me you loved me. Never. And then every time you tried to tell me, I shot you down."

"Kiss me again," Connor said, his hands grasping the front of Jude's t-shirt, pulling him down.

Connor guided the kiss this time, one of his hands holding onto Jude's shirt and the other on the back of his head.

"I was so scared. Too scared. I didn't want the past to repeat and even though I knew I was safe with Stef and Lena, I couldn't let go. I've been trying so hard to let go because I've been waiting to tell you this _forever_. But I told Callie this morning and I told Lena after that and I'm going to be me now. And I love you. I love you. I want to be me with you."

Connor was silent this time, staring up at him, but Jude was done. His words were all out on the floor. He reached up and unhooked one of Connor's hands from his shirt to hold it, swinging it in between them.

"Connor? Say something?"

"You've loved me this whole time?"

"Yes."

"I cried at Christmas when you rejected me."

"I'm sorry."

"You told me to kiss Jake."

"I know."

"You've known I've loved you back pretty much this whole time!"

"It's all I've been thinking about." Jude couldn't catch Connor's gaze. "Do you … You do still love me, right? I haven't just destroyed everything."

Connor squeezed his hand. "Kiss me again, Jude."

Jude bent his head down to Connor's again, capturing his lips. Connor stumbled backward against the counter, pulling at Jude to be closer and closer, and Jude didn't know how they could get any closer. He could feel Connor's hands, skimming from his back to his shoulders to his head, and his whole body felt warm. He felt on fire. He felt like smiling through every movement on Connor's lips and it was so hard to kiss him when he was so damn happy. Connor's head turned from his and he drew in a long, shaky breath before hiding his face in Jude's shirt, cuddling him in a close hug.

"Of course I still love you, Jude. How could I even think about anyone else when you're real?"

Connor loved him back! He'd said the words!

"Let's get out of here," Jude said. "This is a really crappy place to be."

Connor nodded, following him back out the door, and Jude felt a sense of closure, of relief, as he shut the door for the last time. He knew it was the last time this time. He knew what his life would be now.

"What now?" Connor asked.

"Well, hot chocolate and the beach? We can do that again now that you're allowed out of the bubble."

"That sounds really good!" Connor said, keeping pace with him. Connor's hand brushed his but Connor made no move to take it and so Jude didn't hold his hand either. "But, Jude, that's not what I meant."

"Then, what did you mean?"

"Well, like, are we … Are we dating now? Are we telling people that? What are we … doing now?"

"Let's get to the beach, okay?"

This time, Jude bought the hot chocolates, since he owed Connor a hundred of them, probably, and then they headed to the beach. He and Connor talked about other, littler things, but it wasn't until they were sitting on the sand that Jude put his arm around Connor's shoulders, drawing him in close. Connor pressed tight against his side.

"I want you to be my boyfriend," Jude said. "That was the whole point of telling you. That, and telling everyone you're mine so that there are no more Darias and no more Jakes. Be mine, Connor."

"That's the tackiest thing I've ever heard you say."

"Did it win you over?"

Connor smiled, looking self satisfied and he linked his fingers with Jude's, pulling Jude's arm tighter around him.

"You're my boyfriend," Connor said and Jude knew Connor well enough to know that he was smug about it.

"Well, you're my boyfriend too."

"This means you're definitely not going to be allowed to stay in my bed when we have sleepovers," Connor mused.

"Maybe we don't tell our parents," Jude mused, and Connor laughed.

"We have to!"

"Yeah, you're right."

"Plus, I can't keep any secrets from Ms. Adams," Connor said.

"There's also that."

Connor took a sip from his hot chocolate, staring out at the waves. "I can't believe you loved me too. Sometimes, I thought so, and then other times … you had me so convinced. _Best friends_. I'll never believe you again."

"You clearly believe I'm in love with you."

Connor rolled his eyes. "I guess so. But this does make you the worst liar out of both of us."

"I think not telling your best friend that you're dying is way worse."

"You kept your secret longer!"

"You were forced into telling me yours. You didn't even make that decision!"

"Yours is worse!" Connor insisted.

"Is not!"

"Is!"

Their faces were growing closer and closer and it wasn't long before their argument was forgotten, because Connor kissed him or Jude kissed Connor, not that it mattered. Their hot chocolates were left cooling in the sand as Connor's legs slid over Jude's lap and they were as close as two people could possibly be.

And Jude was happy. He was in love.

And Connor loved him back.

 **This is the last week to submit songs for the playlist – make sure to get them in before next Monday!**

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Love Alone**_ **by Thriving Ivory;** _ **Cast No Shadow**_ **by Oasis; and** _ **Brand New**_ **by Emilie Mover!**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


	52. King Of Hearts

**Here's the last chapter! Thank you to everyone who's read this story and shared their thoughts. And, of course, the biggest thank you to Enza – without her, this story** _ **never**_ **would have been finished.**

 **~TLL~**

*Five*Years*Later*

"Congratulations, Jude!"

"Thanks, Callie," Jude said, cradling the phone against his shoulder as he fidgeted with the buttons on his shirt. "I just … feel embarrassed. Everyone else today is seventeen or eighteen. I'm … behind."

"Not as far behind as you could have been," Callie said. "You're graduating high school today! You got into a college, Jude! I never thought these things would happen for you! Be proud of yourself, Jude, I am. I am so proud of you."

"I am," Jude said, staring at himself in the mirror, touching the hair that he still religiously dyed blue. "I am proud of myself."

He'd done it. He'd made it through his first days of school – where people couldn't decide whether they wanted to talk about Connor's cancer or Mrs. Adams-Foster's new kid or the fact that Connor and Jude were gay and dating – and he'd made it through when Connor graduated at eighteen and went to university and now, here he was, about to leave it all behind, including his room at his mothers' house and go to university too.

"I'm up for parole in August," Callie said. "I think I'll get it. I've been a good prisoner. I never killed anyone. I just don't actually know what I'll do if parole happens."

"Stef and Lena will take you," Jude said. "It's what they've always said and they will. They'll help you get back on your feet. They love you too, Callie."

"I might just take them up on it. Go graduate, Jude. You can't be late. And take lots of pictures for me, okay? I'm sorry I'm missing this. I'm sorry I've missed all this."

"Me too," Jude said. "We will. I love you."

"I love you too."

Jude hung up the phone and looked himself in the mirror one last time. Graduating! He'd done it!

"Jude!" Stef called. "Connor's here!"

Like he had done countless times since moving in with Stef and Lena, Jude rushed down the steps to where Connor was waiting for him.

"Congrats!" Connor said.

Like he hadn't just seen Connor two days ago, Jude grabbed him into a tight hug.

"Thanks."

"I'm proud of you," Connor whispered in his ear. "So proud of you."

"You were the first person to believe in me," Jude said. "If you hadn't been stubborn with _To Kill A Mockingbird_ and taught me to read …"

"Don't give me your credit," Connor said. "You did all this. _You_."

"You helped," Jude said, kissing him softly. "You know you did."

Connor kissed him again.

"Everyone ready to go?" Lena called.

"Ready when you are, Ms. Adams," Connor replied, and Jude just laughed. He wondered how long Connor had to be out of school for the habit to break.

Lena was clearly still amused by it too as she was laughing as she picked her keys out of her purse.

"Let's go!" Stef said. "We can't be late for Jude's big day!"

"No, we can't!" Connor agreed and they bustled out of the house.

Stef and Lena didn't stop taking photos from the moment that they arrived at the school but Jude didn't mind. He had watched Mariana and Jesus go through this; he had spent the last few years seeing many of Brandon's graduation photos stuck to the fridge. It was his turn and – though he wasn't one to think like this often – he did think that he deserved it.

He had just gotten his cap and gown on when he heard a shriek through the crowd.

"Look at you!"

Jude turned, seeing Mariana, Jesus, and even Brandon coming toward them. Mariana trapped him in a tight hug.

"You're here?"

"We wouldn't miss it," Mariana said.

Jude hugged them all, Connor turning his phone and shooing them all together so that he could get a family photo. Jude wrapped one arm around Stef and one arm around Lena and grinned as wildly as possible, trying not to think about Callie. When he sent her the photo later, she would know that he'd been thinking of her, his smile not as wide as she would have expected it to be.

"It's time for grads to line up!" came a shout and Jude adjusted his gown over his shoulders.

"Do I look okay?"

"Perfect, Jude. We've got to go grab our seats so that we get good ones. We'll see you after."

Stef and Lena kissed his cheeks, careful not to leave lipstick smears, and then they left with his siblings, leaving Connor there with him.

"Are you going to sit with them?"

"Yeah. Just want one second alone with you, that's all." Connor adjusted the tassel on Jude's hat. "I'm really proud of you."

"You said," Jude murmured, beginning to blush from Connor's praise.

"I love you," Connor added.

"I love you too."

Connor kissed him softly, the tassel swinging between them. With care, Connor put it back in its spot.

"See you after," Connor said. "Don't fall off the stage."

"I wasn't worried up until now," Jude mused, and Connor laughed.

"You look great."

"Thanks. I have to go line up now. Make sure I can see you, okay?"

"I will," Connor promised, and then he went to find his seat and Jude found his place in line.

He marched in, just like they had practiced and Jude took his seat, just like they had practiced. He glanced around the room, finding his family sitting in the front row on the far side of the room, Connor on the aisle seat next to Jesus. As if Connor had felt his gaze, Connor turned to see him watching and gave a wave. Jude waved back and then faced forward as the speeches commenced.

The ceremony seemed to drag, mostly because there was just a lot of talking at the beginning. It picked up when names started being called for diplomas and awards. Jude's legs shook when he climbed the stairs to shake hands with his principal, grasping his diploma in his hand. Had ever thought that he would get here? Had he ever thought he would graduate? No. Not even after Lena started homeschooling him, not after he really started school, not even this past September, when he was told that he only needed four more credits to graduate. He'd done it. He'd done it only because of the people in the audience, but it had all started, as everything for him did, with Callie's sacrifices, and even though he had just spoken to her this morning, his heart ached with all that she'd had to miss.

When it was over, it was Lena that he hugged first before being passed around between his family members, who kept telling him congratulations over and over again. He knew how proud they were of him, but Jude surprised himself with how proud he was of himself. He'd really done it. Holding that slip of paper made everything so real. He'd done it!

"Let's go out to graduation lunch," Stef said. "Anywhere you want to go, Jude, your choice."

He picked the same Italian place that he always did when it was his turn to pick. They spent a few more minutes lingering, Jude saying a few goodbyes to classmates that he'd spoken to, and then, they decided it was time to go, and Jude was relieved to walk out. He was twenty now; it was time to put high school behind him.

Outside the front doors, Connor tugged on Jude's sleeve, holding him back from following Stef back to the car.

"What?" Jude asked.

"I'm not going to go to lunch," Connor said. "I think that you should have some one on one time with your family."

"Come on, Connor, you know they think of you as family too. You're not intruding or anything."

"It's not about that," Connor said. "I just want you to have one on one time because I'm not going to feel bad about you coming over to my apartment later and me keeping you for the night."

"Connor –"

"And I have some things I want to get for you for when you come over," Connor said. He rested his hands on Jude's waist. "So, celebrate with your family now and then we'll celebrate later in a way that they're definitely not invited to."

"You're a tease," Jude said.

"You love me," Connor replied flippantly. "Kiss me and go catch up with your moms."

Jude leant down and kissed Connor.

"What time do you want me over?"

"I'll be home by six. Don't beat me there. I have stuff to set up for you."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Surprise stuff," Connor said, poking him in the chest. "No cheating and using your key."

"You're not going to be able to pull this stuff when I move in with you."

"That's not until August," Connor said, "so I have to milk it while I can."

Jude shook his head and rolled his eyes.

"Now, go, I'm going to be late," Connor said.

"For what?"

"Later, Jude, later."

Jude knew he was going to have to be satisfied with that. He kissed Connor one more time before getting into the car with his parents, following the car containing his siblings.

"How do you feel?" Lena asked. "Feel any different?"

"I feel accomplished. I feel like … Like I actually did something. It's a rare feeling."

It was the first time that Jude felt like he'd actually done something for himself. He had done things, accomplished things, but for other people. Some of those things had meant more – like giving Connor his kidney – but this was the first time that he felt like he had done this for him and it mattered. Every time he had struggled, every time school had weighed him down, every question he had ever gotten wrong, no longer mattered, because he had been able to do it in the end.

"Are you proud of yourself?" Stef asked.

"I am," Jude said.

"We are too."

He knew that. His family loved him and he was so glad that he had his family and the life that he had. He was so grateful and he could barely put it into words, and he'd tried. On several special occasions, on the day his adoption was finalized, and the words had never come out right.

"Thank you for adopting me," he said.

"You were meant to be our son," Lena said. "We knew that so soon after we met you."

"I'm glad you knew. I can't imagine any other life now."

"We love you."

"I love you too."

(-.-)

Jude used his key on Connor's door, calling out for his boyfriend as he stepped inside of the apartment. Immediately, Jellybean's aged head poked around the hallway corner, staring him down for a moment.

"It's just me," he said but she rebuffed him. Either she had gotten more distrustful because of her old age or she had decided to stop trusting them when they had adopted a pair of kitten siblings when Connor had moved into the apartment. As he thought about them, Jude's dark brown cat, Hershey, streaked by, following by his orange sister, Lollypop. "Connor?"

"Living room!"

Jude followed the sound of Connor's voice. In the living room, he found Connor with a bouquet of chocolate roses.

"Those for me?" Jude asked.

"Yeah, I need to put you in a good mood." Connor offered Jude one of the chocolate roses. Jude took it, unwrapping the foil from the top of the rose and circling into the kitchen to throw it out.

"Why do I need to be in a good mood?" Jude asked, thinking that he'd been a good enough mood before Connor had said anything. He could see Connor from the kitchen and he half-turned to look at his face.

"I have something to tell you."

"Is it bad?"

"Part of the reason that I didn't go to your family lunch is because Dad had to take me to a doctor's appointment."

Fear flooded through Jude and he dropped the rose on the kitchen counter. " _What_? Are you sick again? Don't tell me you're sick again! I can't go through that again."

Connor tapped his foot on the floor. "Would you leave me if I was?"

"No!" Jude circled back into the living room, standing in front of where Connor was sitting on the arm of the couch. "Nothing would make me leave you. It'll just kill me to watch you go through that again. And you can't need another kidney, 'cause I need the one I have. It's got to be your liver this time, because I can give you part of that and be okay."

Connor smiled, drawing Jude's hands in his own before pulling Jude down to kiss him. Jude kissed him, but only briefly. His worry had him pulling back.

"Are you sick again?" Jude demanded.

"How long have I been in remission?" Connor asked him.

"Uh …" Jude thought back. "Four … Five years. Right? A long time, anyway. Why?"

"How long do I have to be in remission before I'm considered cured? Do you remember?"

"Five years," Jude whispered. " _Five years_. Is _that_ what your doctor's appointment was about?"

"It was," Connor said. "I am cured!"

Jude whacked him on the bicep and pushed him back onto the couch. "You couldn't have _led_ with _that_?!"

Connor just laughed. "Sorry! You just distracted me and I –"

Jude straddled his hips. "Sorry! You had me so worried! I thought you were dying again!"

Connor kept laughing. "I'm healthy! I'm healthy! I'm all fixed! You can't be mad when everything's perfect!"

"I can always be mad," Jude grumbled. "It's what I'm good at."

"The one thing you're good at," Connor joked.

Jude bent down and kissed Connor, his hands sliding under his shirt. "You're a jerk, you know. I knew it when I first saw you."

"I can make it up to you," Connor promised, pulling Jude's shirt over his head and dropping it on the floor. Hershey immediately buried himself in it, Lollypop leaping on top of him, Jellybean following the two of them around like a helicopter mom.

"You're going to have to try," Jude said. "Otherwise, I'll just go on believing you're a jerk forever."

"Come on. Bedroom, while the cats are distracted."

Jude reluctantly got off of Connor, but the moment the bedroom door closed the cats outside, Jude had Connor pushed back on the bed, back on top of him in a second. But Connor surprised him – he played baseball on the school team and worked out regularly – and he easily had the strength to turn the tables on Jude, rolling him back onto the bed. Connor kissed him and Jude melted.

"Still mad at me?"

"It's going to take more than one kiss."

"I'm gonna spend forever kissing you," Connor said.

"Yeah?" Jude murmured, getting lost in the fantasy of it.

"Yeah. I'm going to marry you someday."

His words caught Jude off-guard because they'd never talked about their future further than Jude moving in with him. But it didn't make Jude scared; it made butterflies erupt in his stomach. He knew he wanted to be with Connor forever. He knew he was going to love him forever.

"You're not asking now, are you?" Jude said.

"No, but someday I will."

Jude ran his fingers through Connor's shoulder-length shaggy hair before wrapping his hand in it and kissing Connor deeply.

"Someday, I'll say yes."

"Even if you're mad at me?" Connor joked.

"Yeah, 'cause I'm going to be a terrible husband so I'll do it just to spite you."

Connor laughed. He kissed Jude's lips and then worked his way down, kissing Jude's neck and chest. Jude had his arm around Connor, holding him close as he relaxed into the large bed that was soon going to be Jude's soon. He looked around the room; he spent so much time here that it looked like he had already completely moved in. His clothes and knick-knacks were crammed in with Connor's on nearly every surface, except for the bookshelf, because that was reserved for Connor's copies of _To Kill A Mockingbird_. But that was okay, because the book was special to Jude too.

Jude shifted his gaze back to Connor, hooking his hands under Connor's shirt to pull it off him.

"Like what you see?" Connor teased.

Jude reached his hand down, touching Connor's surgical scar. In return, Connor pressed a hand against Jude's.

"Matching set," Connor said, like he had the first time they'd been naked in front of one another, staring at how the other's transplant scar fit the curve of their bodies.

"I love you," Jude said. "But, so help me God, if you start off good news with 'remember how I was dying once', I'll kill you myself."

"Get over it," Connor said, low in Jude's ear, his breath tickling Jude's neck. "You're going to be stuck with me for a very long time."

"I better be," Jude muttered crankily and his tone had Connor laughing at him again.

"That's why I love you," Connor said.

"Shut up," Jude said. "I thought you were supposed to be making something up to me."

"I am, I am," Connor said, his lips against Jude's while his hands slid down Jude's body.

Jude closed his eyes and fell into Connor, his hands sliding through the long strands that they had tracked to the perfect length the entire time it was growing back. All of the good in his life now was because he had taken the chance and talked to some jerk kid all those years ago, and, now, Jude couldn't bring himself to have a single regret about anything. He kissed Connor deeply, feeling his heart double-beat in his chest at every contact.

He was always going to love him.

*The*End*

 **The playlist is now available on tumblr and youtube!**

 **If you have a song that reminds you of** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **and would like it to be on the playlist, send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions. This week's songs are:** _ **Forever**_ **by Matt Hires;** _ **What I Needed**_ **by Erin McCarley; and** _ **Here I Am**_ **by Dolly Parton and Sia.**

 **So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about** _ **The Island Of Misfit Toys**_ **, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash the dash island dash of dash misfit dash toys. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.**

 **~TLL~**


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